Sometimes life is just so exhausting

I’m going to drag on about being tired still.  Sorry.  I think the sudden lack of anticipation, the ability to stop and not run out to a store for a gift or more food for the holiday dinner is taking it’s toll.  And the kids are just losing their minds.  They are so behind on sleep that they can’t function properly. 

Mom and I have started making sure they eat more often (as part of an experiment with moods) and that they sat and rested at least an hour, twice today.  That did help a bit.  They were going full speed for the last two weeks.  It’s enough to make an adult crazy, but a 5 and 7 yr old hasn’t got the capability of reasoning with themselves when they are tired.  Or at least most don’t.  Ok, Mine don’t.  I really can’t say what others do.  I know when they get tired, it’s a monumental thing to have them understand what you are trying to tell them.  They cry, they throw a fit, they don’t hear you no matter if you are agreeing with them or not.  It’s very nerve-wracking.

Well, I have one more job to finish tonight.  And a stack of blog entries to prewrite (not for here, for my design site) so I don’t have to come up with ideas when I’m too busy to focus on what color selector is best or how to create a pen and ink drawing in Photoshop.

I might be back if I get done and the coffee has really kicked in.  That happens most nights.  Just as I’m ready to sleep…whatever I’ve done to stay up will actually start to work.  Mind you…I am talking about things working hours after they’ve been taken.  It’s not like I drink a mug of coffee at 1am and expect to fall asleep at 2am.  I mean I drink a coffee at 10pm and at 2am I’m suddenly wide awake.  It could be that I’m naturally a night-owl and not the coffee at all though.

Anyway, gotta run and paint some things for a client.  See ya’ll later.

:)

I should never have taken time off

I’m so tired all the time now.  I can’t get back into the groove. 


OH well, no choice but to do it really.  I’ve already worked 4 hours today, and I’ve napped through the Grinch, A Year Without A Santa Claus and Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer.

AND I’ve had Red Bull, coffee, ice cream and breakfast and lunch.  There are no excuses for being this tired.

I’m also freezing my behind off.  At 57 degrees I broke down and turned on the heat.  Now I’ll have to listen to him bitch when he gets home about how hot it is in here.  I think I’ll put duct tape over the thermostat and threaten to give him a hickey on his forehead if he touches it.

One of my daughters accidentally gave herself a hickey while watching tv.  She was just sucking on her arm and totally freaked when she saw the result.  Everyone who came for Christmas wanted to know what she had done to herself.  She was very embarrassed, although I don’t know why, no one gave her any reason for her to be so.

Ok, I’m gonna make coffee and come back in to work.  I also have a list to make for myself.  I might get to that this evening.  And the hubby and I had another…um,…I can’t even call it a discussion because it was more me talking and everything I said he took totally can completely wrong.  I swear sometimes I wonder if we are from the same planet.

I’ll see you when I get a minute later.  Hope everyone is having a blast with all their wonderful Christmas gifts.
:)

Merry Christmas to everyone!

I am trying to get caught up, cleaned up and organized enough to relax from this evening until tomorrow evening.

The kids are bouncing off the walls, hubby has loads of “secret missions” going on, and I have gifts to wrap, the floors need cleaned and all of my aquatic critters need more water.  The latter meaning I have to lug five 5 gallon jugs up the the water kiosk in the parking lot at the strip mall down the street.  Our water in the tap would kill them all off in seconds.  I have to go get decent water down the street.  That is just wrong.  But…anyway…

A Merry Christmas to all.  And a special Christmas thought goes out to Enyo who is recovering from a rather ghastly sounding injury and Meg who is recovering from having an asshole removed from her life.  Hugs and a mug of steamy hot cocoa (with homemade whipped cream) goes out to both.

I hope everyone gets all they wished for!!

See you tuesday.

:)

Tooth Fairy is visiting tonight!

I had to yank my oldest daughters front tooth out of her head today.  Her front tooth has been dangling.  She had me look at it, started to panic and hit my hand which knocked it just about completely out except it got stuck somehow.  And it started bleeding.  She totally freaked.  So, seeing my last opportunity to get it over with, I squeezed it (had a napkin around it already to “test” how loose it was ) and I just held on.  She did the work.  She jumped and the tooth stuck for a second and then let go.  And boy did it bleed!!

****

ok, about that point she started coughing like mad in her sleep and I went in to get her all fixed up.  And fell asleep with her.  (but not before I did the tooth fairy bit   shhh!!!! )

I have to do some work, I’ll try to finish whatever was in my head yesterday when I get done.

:)

Oh my GOD! It’s a miracle.

The hubby and I are actually really talking.  Like…connecting and communicating.  Although I’m skeptical, I’m also very excited.  I have to make the effort on my part to not fall into old habits and he’s got to actually try too…but everyone noticed a difference today when they came over and commented to me after he left for work.  He had a very different appearance, open and talkative, as if he’s been set free of something.  I am going to act as if he’s really going to continue with what we said, because if I doubt him then I’ll be doing my part in making things go back to the way they were.  I have to stop my old bad habits as well.  The insanity has to stop somewhere.  And I say it ends here.

I’m going to make an effort to be less judgemental as well as not so damned angry all the time.  And I’m not saying that he’s said any of this, he didn’t say I did anything at all.  We basically worked on getting him to be able to communicate with me.  I don’t think he really ever had to talk to anyone before.  Sure, he can talk, tell stories and entertain customers and guests, but he’s not learned to really discuss and solve problems in a relationship.  And now that it’s so emotionally charged here, it’s hard to say anything without one of us blowing up at the other.  So we got the painful shit out of the way (not all I’m sure, but it was a start) and then started working on a realistic plan to make our lives better…We’ve spent 14 years together and we owe it to ourselves to try one more time.  We owe it to our children to teach them how to be in a relationship the right way.  We don’t want them thinking that it’s normal to live like this.  It’s our responsibility to be the adults, we need to start acting like parents and not like fools.

Ok, I have work to do.  I’ll continue this later.  I have some goals I need to meet daily…I think that this type of motivation is going to be very good.
later!
:)

Tonight was fun (really)

We (the kids, my mom and I) went to dinner and to see Christmas lights with friends.  It was great, and these are the kind of people who laugh constantly…it was a wonderful feeling to just laugh and not care who sees you.

I have to get some sleep.  I’m working but I’m dangerously close to having a keyboard stuck to my forehead.

I’ll post more of what is going on tomorrow.

:)

which way do I look at it?

I was discussing the drunk with a person I work with last night and they said something interesting.  They feel that contrary to what I was thinking, a persons true self is the one you see when the shit hits the fan.  And I have to admit, I think they are right and I was wrong.  The person the drunk used to be was carefree, adventurous, and exciting because he had never had to deal with adversity!  He’d never had to pull himself up by his bootstraps and keep going even when there seemed to be no hope.  He got that rude awakening shortly after I moved in with him, when he started losing his restaurant to the landlord that didn’t want to renew the lease (at least that is how I remember it, I could be making this memory in his favor when it might not really be).  I should have really seen my future then.  He came completely unglued, not unlike his behaviour now.  I attributed it to “stress” and blah, blah, blah…I never thought that I was seeing the true character of this man.  I had an opportunity that I totally missed.  But then, I’d not have my two awesome incredibly wonderful daughters if I had taken that opportunity and run like hell.  At least I’m guessing I’d never have had them…what if we were all just destined to be together and I couldn’t help them do what they have to do if I hadn’t stuck around and gone through what I’ve gone through in order to be who i am now?  In a convoluted way that sort of makes sense.  Right now.  I might come back later and wonder how I ever thought that sentence was coherent, but…whatever.

I’m behind on work because I’m giving too much energy to this shit.  I’ll be back after I’ve done something to earn some money.

Oh, and did I mention he’s forcing me to pay the mortgage (we are about $1300 short on it right now) and we have no gifts for Christmas?  AND he doesn’t think the loser he works for will pay him his whole check next week.

I think that we need to reevaluate our priorities and make a new game plan.  He, on the other hand, will start breaking things and totally blow a gasket if I even mention the idea of paying our mortgage past the last day of the grace period (today).

and now…I’m really going to work.  Really.

:)

We are back on the Merry-Go-Round

only I’m not having any fun.  One day he’s sober and willing to be reasonable, the next he’s drunk and a complete moron.  I dread doing what needs to be done to make it stop.  I am so scared of what is going to happen, but I am also scared of what will happen if I don’t make this stop.  I know I have support from my mom and friends, which is something I am certain a lot of people do not have and I’m grateful for their patience and offers of help.  It still doesn’t make it easier.  It’s like I’m frozen with fear at the thought of telling him to get out (if he’s been drinking, I see it being a very very ugly matter) or of just filing for a divorce and having him served at work.  That would be a horrible thing to do though.

Why can’t he just fucking care enough about all of us to go get the help he needs???  What did we do to deserve this pain?  Why am I responsible for him giving up control to scotch?

Ok, enough of the pity shit.  I have work to do and no real certainty of even buying Christmas presents this year yet.   If I can pull off paying the mortgage on time tomorrow it will be a freaking miracle.  I’ll be happy with that for the day.  Then I’ll start working on how to get gifts.  Ok, I’m sure I’ll get the girls gifts.  Somehow.  I’ll sell a body part.  Whatever.  I have to get out of his way of looking at things.  The mortgage, electricity, cars…yes, they are very important and have to be paid.  BUT they are not the only things that are important.  He focuses on what he’s not able to pay so much that they become everything to him.  And to make them all go away and so he can stop his brain…he drinks a half bottle or more of scotch (it used to be a whole bottle but it’s taking less and less these days to make him pass out).  I mean, I KNOW why he does it.  I can see the whole evil cycle.  I just can’t make him think that there is any other way.  And after 14 years of being his only real emotional support…I’m just too fucking beat up and worn down to pep talk his ass out of this.  I know that I put up with this shit when we were in our 20’s and had no kids.  I was probably wrong for not running down the street screaming like a maniac.  Regardless of that, I didn’t run.  I stuck around.  I saw something inside him that fit a part of me.  Now, I wasn’t the most stable individual.  I was depressed because the ex had taken off with my son and I had no idea where he was and no financial means of finding him til just about the time I moved in with my current husband (otherwise known as the drunk).  I was having hormone problems triggered by extreme stress and I was just searching for someone who was carefree, adventurous and made me feel like I could be a better person.  My husband did that.  He was that.  I miss my husband.  I don’t have a fucking clue who this soul is that is currently living in his body but I know I don’t like him.  Not one bit.  He’s mean, spiteful, he sucks the energy out of an entire house by entering it, he’s miserable, he hates everyone and everything, he makes you regret speaking of any positive experience because it reminds him of what he’s lost and somehow he’s convinced that nothing is his fault and the world is out to squash him.  I know everyone says the old person won’t come back, but my eternal optimism says he’s GOT to be in there.  Somewhere.  Please can’t he be in there somewhere?  I’d crawl through the muck and mire, in the dark, as far as I’d have to crawl just to help him come back from where ever he’s been sucked down into.  I really would.  And I’d drag this horrible creature who has been living in his skin with me and leave it there to rot.

ok, now that I’ve completely and utterly depressed myself over the fact that I’m married to a stranger that I hate and i’m never going to see the person he once was again…i do have to work.  Really.  I’m not just running away, I just don’t have the energy to run right now.

:)

today was a better day

of course, he’s not been home all day, but still…I woke up early, walked a half mile, did school, worked, took the girls to gymnastics, made them dinner and gave them desert all before 6 and now they are playing with my old dry erase board and markers.  I’m planning another half mile walk this evening.  I got some work done, am catching up from being sick and THIS is the direction I want things to start heading in.  Productive, healthy, fairly content, and not late for anything.  It’s relieving.

I have some more things to get done, I just wanted to comment.

Oh, and I’m also thrilled that Enyo has returned to us.  She hurt herself, so everyone needs to head over and give her some warm “Get Well” wishes.  She can be found here:  This Is My Affair . I was getting very worried about her. And it does suck when you can’t even call and say…”Are you ok?  Do I need to come kill the bastard?  Get you out of jail for killing the bastard?”.  She’s hurt herself, but it could have been worse, so I’ll just be happy that she’s able to write again.

Gotta run now…I’ll be back.

:)

Lots of talking done today, do I trust him?

We talked today about his horrid behaviour and the reasons behind it.  He admitted he needs a counselor or someone to help him work through his issues, and to help him learn to communicate better.  We’ll see how long he feels this way.  In the past, it’s like him saying it was enough for him and he never followed through on actually doing it.  I think it’s going to be up to me if I want to make him get help.  And as tired as I am with the whole thing, I’m not willing to give up if he’s possibly going to make an effort.  But like I said, we shall see…the track record so far has been spotty, at best.

I’m exhausted.  I laid awake on the couch til 6am when I decided enough was enough and i was going to sleep in my own freaking bed.  I didn’t sleep much there, but at least it was more comfortable.  I’m going to try to get some sleep now.  I have early meetings (early for me anyway) and things to do out of the house with the girls in the afternoon.

nite all

:)

I missed this due to being violently ill all weekend…

I, unfortunately, share an important date with two influential musicians. It’s not a happy date. My birthday, December 8th, is also the same day that John Lennon and “Dimebag” Darrell were murdered in the prime of their lives. It sort of keeps things in perspective for me, I think. While birthdays aren’t such a big deal to me, feeling like I’m here for a reason does mean something. I think both men made a difference, a very big one, in their respective areas. They influenced more people than I think they ever really knew.

I normally try to take a moment to be thankful that we’ve had such people around to influence those of us left behind. There is no way to thank them for their contributions, but maybe just by keeping their ideas alive we can honor them.

I also learned that a friend is going through a terrible time, her brother is in ICU after sustaining some serious injuries. Now, I am not religious - we’ve already discussed this, but I do believe in the power of positive energy (and I’m not counting out prayer..read on). I think if someone wants to live, then they will do just that. And if someone isn’t quite sure they want to fight, but others are pushing for them, then they might just sway the final outcome. If someone just does not want to continue to exist, then there isn’t anything any one of us can do. I think that considering this young mans injuries, if he really had wanted to die, he’d be gone already. For some reason, he’s hanging on. I was asked to pray for them, which I most certainly will do, but I also thought that some good thoughts (or prayers, if you rather) their way from anyone reading would help too.

I appreciate it.

I have to get some sleep now. The adrenaline rush of being in yet another battle is wearing off, my muscles are hurting and I need to get some rest.

I hope everyone has a wonderful evening. See you tomorrow.

:)

I guess the only one who is going to get me out of this hell is me

God, that sucks.  These last few weeks have been busy and surreal.  The more I work, the worse he gets.  The more I feel good about me, the more he attacks me.  Tonight was the kicker though.  And I honestly think I’m just provoking him now to get him to fucking leave already.  But the girls were crying and he was breaking things and it’s just gone too far.  I had him at the fucking door, he was finally getting out and then the girls were just so fucking upset that I took them to their room and somehow the bastard is still here!  He’s passed out in his chair in the living room.  What the hell????

He was just freaking spewing hate at me tonight, I was really actually scared at one point but refused to walk away because he just pushed me over the edge.  He detests me.  He didn’t lose hundreds of thousands of our money..it was HIS money so I have some big balls to dare throw that in his face.  This is after he blasted me for only making $1000 this month and said that I hadn’t made any money in our whole relationship (hey fucko!! I quit a $40,000 a year plus benefits and retirement to stay home because YOU wanted me to!!!) Oh, and did I mention I was there for 5 years?  Paying HIS house bills.  Paying for HIS car.  Paying the bills he refused to open because he couldn’t pay them.  I was so fucking stupid.  If I hadn’t gotten the girls from this relationship I’d say it was a major mistake, but I can’t imagine the thought of existing without either of these awesome kids.

Well, after the first half of our war, he went and punched a hole in the bathroom door.  Actually it’s a dent, but it’s a very old door, somewhat solid and has a full-door sized mirror on the other side. He’s fucking lucky that didn’t break.  Then he smashed a cup all over the bathroom.  I took pics this time.  I also caught the towel rack that he ripped off the wall and his stack of Playboys that he refuses to put out of view of the girls in my pics.  just in case i forget these things.  It’s good to have a reminder.

Damage he did to the door (old, heavy duty door) when  he was mad at me.

Broken plastic cup he blasted to bits when he threw it at the door.  (Heavy duty plastic cup from our pizzeria)

 

More bits of plastic cup

So, he also says I spend all my time on the computer.  (wrong)  He says I neglect my kids so I can sit in here and do “whatever it is I do” on my computer.  (wrong)  He says I’m selfish and that I’m the most selfish motherfucker out there ( I do believe those were his exact words) and then told me I am just like my father (which would have been an attempt to hurt my feelings) and just like my mother (another attempt, I think) and then he just kept on fluctuating between calling me names and daring me to keep attacking him!  I told him he drank too much, that was me attacking him.  Obviously, on his planet, that warrants scaring the fuck out of your kids, coming within an inch of taking your wife’s head off (and sacrificing the door and an innocent cup instead) and walking out on your family (although somehow he never got out the door and passed out 3 ft from it in a chair instead).

Stack of Playboys, right in view of kids

And this whole time I’m thinking he’s insane.  He’s flipped his fucking lid.  But he hits the right buttons, because within 10 minutes I’m in tears in the girls room and can’t stop them from coming, and the girls are now sufficiently freaked out…and i kept trying to tell them it was ok, but I can’t stop crying…what if I am a horrible mom?  What if I am selfish and I just don’t know it?  what if I’m making their life worse?  I am so full of doubt about myself right now that I’m crying again.

I have to go make myself a coffee and just get this out of my system.  I’m sure I’ll be back.

Oh, and did I mention I spent friday (my birthday) and saturday puking my guts out with a 102 average fever and he was upset that I didn’t hop off the couch that I was passed out on when he got home to tend to his needs?  Fucker.

Ok, I’m really going for coffee now, just had to get a little pissed to keep it all in perspective.

:)

I have to praise these workbooks we got

I found some workbooks at Borders book store about a month ago and I just have to let you know how much my kids love them. They are made by the same people who make Hooked On Phonics, and they come with the same poster/sticker system. I bought all three books, as I’m not real sure what the youngest knows or is ready for yet. We got Hooked On Pre-K, Hooked On Kindergarten, and Hooked on 1st Grade. I’m hoping they come out with a hooked on 2nd grade before the oldest is finished. These books are only math, language arts, and logical type problem solving/puzzle sections. But I love how enthusiastic the kids are about them. The Hooked on Pre-K has a coloring section which allows for her to get stickers (in the book and on the poster) while I read their history lessons and go over the answers with the older one. She feels like she’s participating and getting rewards. Definite bonus. Before I had a coloring book which was her “school book” that she’d “work” in while the older one and I went through History and Science together. I even bought some stickers for the pages she finished, but this system just makes her so much more happy about it all. I’m only interested in them loving to learn and them getting their basic skills learned and set in their brains for the future.

My son sort of lost his enthusiasm for learning about the time he started school. His dad and I were divorced by then, and I was left out of the loop (since I chose to let him stay in his familiar house and live with his dad) and never got any reports from school. As he got older, he just got worse. Aside from reading a Calvin and Hobbes or Far Side book (not that they are really what I’d consider “books”) he’s not read anything voluntarily in um…oh wow…ever. I’m trying to save the girls from losing that love of learning. He was so enthusiastic as a young child, it makes me want to kick some teachers ass for killing his spirit. And not only for him, but for me as well. I remember being yelled at for having finished my whole text book in the first week of school (yeah, I’m a total geek) because it made the other kids feel bad. Um…it’s not my fault they were interested in other things. Of course, as a child, it’s traumatic to be told by a teacher, in front of your whole class, that you did something wrong…that doing all your text book lessons in one week was BAD…that learning quickly was a BAD THING!! It shouldn’t be any wonder that I have no respect for the public school system. And I found out that my son was being subjected to that same ass backwards way of thinking when it was almost too late. I think moving him to a better school system and then pulling him out completely, when we moved to this state, to homeschool him was the only way he didn’t end up completely beaten down.

He still didn’t do incredibly well. He was a grade A con artist by then…could get out of doing a lesson in less than 10 seconds and leave me thinking I’d done something great. Now he’s living on his own though and he’s found out that he can’t do that any more. It’s quite a shock to the little shit.

Well, I’ve had a long day and I’m exhausted.

See ya!!

It’s been a while, sorry

but I thought things were going fairly well.  I’m sure you all could have told me that wasn’t gonna last.

I keep trying to be positive and optimistic but sometimes it’s hard to do.  He made it like 3 days of not drinking.  Which is a lot for him.  But it’s not enough for me.  And yesterday he  totally fell off the wagon.  After doing his usual attack on what I do to earn money the day before.

I just don’t want to keep giving him the time it takes me to bitch about it any more.  It’s like I’m allowing him to control my world even when he’s not here.

I have more work I have to get done.  Although, I’ve not gotten paid in a few weeks.  Yes, go ahead and tell me I’m stupid for doing anything when I’ve not gotten money.  They owe me $600 which is alot but not alot really, BUT I’m getting side jobs from them referring other people which is making more than they owe me so it’s complicated.  And then there is the potential business that we are all working to build.  The whole thing makes sense to me, and he makes me doubt it.  Then I write it down to try to make myself just give it all up and I see that maybe I shouldn’t be doubting myself.  I am making money, it’s just that he keeps finding every little point he can that isn’t going quite as smooth as I like.  Then he fucking harps on it til I blow up.

He’s still saying I don’t contribute to the bills.  As in, I haven’t contributed in the whole 8 years since I stopped working for the publisher.  I don’t really think I need to show financial statements with both our earnings and what goes where to my fucking husband.  I think he truly believes that I haven’t made anything at all.  Which is fucking infuriating.  His career choices have cost us almost everything we own/owned AND he can’t recognize when I’m bringing money in without me fucking posting it on the fridge daily.

As much as I think I hate this man, i keep coming up with excuses for him and actually trying to make myself like him again.  I keep thinking that because he’s not physically abusive that I have no grounds for being so mad.  But I can no longer focus on anything because he’s gotten me so freaking distracted, constantly, for so many years.  I started actually hitting that point where I could concentrate and it was so odd.

I have to go feed kids, i’ll try to come back in a while.  I’m sure I have loads to vent about

Claritan Rocks!

I know I’ve mentioned being allergic to this state more than once, but I didn’t realize how horrible I feel when I don’t take Claritan.  I’ve been dragging my ass for days and not remembering to take the Claritan (when you need to remember to take it you can’t cause you didn’t take it ).  I took some this afternoon and if everyone weren’t sleeping I’d have my little hard floor cleaner out scrubbing the lanai floor (the girls somehow ran over crayons with their bikes that they were riding in circles out there).  But, I’ll be nice.

I’m trying very hard not to be bitter and miserable…I don’t know how to stop it though.  I am aware of when I’m thinking negative thoughts and draining myself of more and more energy (as if I had any to spare these last few days) but I keep on doing it.  Like it’s too much work to stop myself.  That is pathetic, really. 


Ok, it’s time for bed whether I’m tired or not.  I have to wake up early tomorrow and it ain’t happening if I go to bed much later.  I went to sleep at 5am yesterday and then tried to wake up at 9.  What a joke.  I kept falling asleep for the first half of the day.  Gotta get more sleep than that I guess.

I’ll see you tomorrow

have a great night!!
:)

Everyday I feel the threads of my sanity snapping…one by one…

So…after a relatively busy day with the munchkins…gymnastics, shopping, etc…we come home to find his laptop on the front porch.  By itself.  Hrmmmmmm….

The door is locked and his computer is outside just sitting on the porch, which is not normal, no matter how odd things are around here.  So I unlock the door and he’s in the chair passed out.

GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR.

After asking the drunken asshole why he left his computer outside, I almost freaked when he told me he had to break in cause he didn’t have a key.

Alright, at this point, I need Xanex.

After unloading groceries and putting everything away, getting girls in bed and the animals all sorted with dinner…I have to go find out how he “broke in”.

I found nothing.  So I went and not so nicely poked him in the side and asked exactly how he broke in.  He said he came in the garage door.  GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR.  He had me searching windows inside and out to figure out how the hell he broke in and he used the keypad to open the garage door and come in that way.  He’s lucky he didn’t wake up to being beaten with a laptop.  Which, by the way, I brought inside.  I was contemplating leaving it outside but then realized that when he had to shell out $800 for a dead or missing laptop, it would be coming out of my pocket too.

My hormones are raging these last few days.  Like I can feel them surging at times.  It’s scary.  He better hope my period starts soon, that’s all I’m saying.

I keep having these bizarre thoughts that I should try to be nicer to him…I should help him out once in a while.  But then he comes home drunk and all I want to do is ship him off…anywhere, I could care less…so I can focus on the important things in life…like the kids.  I’m so frustrated and upset by him that the kids suffer and it’s not freaking right.  It’s like he gets bonus points from some testosterone God for making our lives so chaotic that I can’t focus.

Well, I’m getting control on that, it’s just really hard when I have serious major PMS. But I’m still trying.

Alright, I think I’m actually tired enough to sleep, even with all the snoring (including mine, I’m sure I do it too).

Have a great night!!

:)

Someone remind me why I need him around?

Today I unloaded cut firewood from my truck, went to vacuum and wash it out since it was full of sawdust and other kid related debris, cleaned the filter in the turtle tank (can you say, “EWWWWW”?), cleaned the pool filter, figured out why the automatic pool vacuum wasn’t working (he turned the valve off), made construction paper turkeys and a paper chain (ok, mom did most of the chain), made dinner, did countless dishes from breakfast, lunch and dinner, sat and watched 10 minutes of “Coming to America” with him and the girls (to keep him from getting them all hyper before bed), put the girls in bed, cleaned the kitchen, fixed his computer and did laundry. I’m sure I missed a few things. Oh, like getting 25 gallons of water from the kiosk down the street. And picking up doggie land mines in the back yard.

Where was he for most of this? On his ass watching tv and ignoring his family or out with a friend looking at restaurants (which I sure as fuck hope he doesn’t plan on trying to buy - I’ve had just about enough of that bullshit from this area). He came home drunk. Asked me 40 times what the kids were eating (as I’m trying to cook he insists on bobbing and wobbling around me “planning” the meal I’m already half done making). then he passed out on his chair for 30 minutes while I cooked and was all confused as to why I was in a bad mood.

I’m really trying to get past this being pissed off all the time, but I’m afraid that until I get the nerve to tell him to just not come home again…I’m not gonna be able to do it. I keep trying though..
Ok, so…If I did all that shit myself, then why do I need him?

Money? No.

Sex? Ever try to have sex with a drunk person? Unless you are drunk too, it’s not any fun. And I established a “get drunk and miss out on sex for the next 12 hours” rule a long long time ago.

Conversation? HA!!! Don’t make me laugh.

I’ve run out of reasons why I really need him. And I frequently feel the overwhelming urge to just hit him with something. Frying pan…bag of cat food…whatever. I’m not picky. I do try not to hate him, but I’m just not able to convince myself that it’s worth trusting, believing or even just trying to have a normal day with him. I’m always disappointed.

For some reason I’m really tired.  Gonna get to bed so I can wake up early and start all over again.  See you happy campers tomorrow.

:)

to make this more relevant to my own life…

as opposed to bitching about all this external stuff

Things here are the same.  He’s a drunk, I’m working my ass off to earn money to get us out of the $200,000+ hole that he dug, and teaching the kids and cleaning the house, and fixing all the shit he’s broken when he’s drunk.  I’m tired, worn out and all my latest bitchings have been a result I think.  I’m a crabby bitch.  Plus I’ve had no jobs come in in a few days so I’ve had time on my hands.  Time is sometimes a bad thing.  I’ve had time to stop and look around.  And I don’t like what I see.

My office is almost clean but I don’t like how it’s set up.  Me being pushed into a corner with my computer not visible by anyone who happens to stop by (see previous post for why) has me a bit closterphobic.  The kitchen is a lost freaking cause.  I clean it, he comes by and destroys it.  He thinks he’s at work.  He actually sweeps the crap off the counter and onto the floor.  Like the dishwasher (guy not machine) is gonna come by with a broom and get it, and later mop down the whole room to grab the grease that hit the floor too.  He makes messes, bitches when it’s dirty and doesn’t do a fucking thing to help clean it.  Our bedroom?  I think Meg’s ex and my husband must be related to a degree.  While he’s big on personal hygiene, he’s a fucking slob with his clothes and items that came out of his pockets.  His side of the bed has a pile of underwear and socks that the dog keeps pushing under the bed.  They are starting to come out under my side of the bed now.   And he has the balls to bitch at me cause he can’t find underwear.  DUH!  The kids side of the house is almost a losing battle, but I refuse to give in there.  They will learn to keep their space at least sort of clean dammit!!  I will not let them go out into the world thinking that they aren’t worth living in a clean environment.  I’m not talking spotless.  I’m not talking about living without some small piles here and there.  I’m talking about not living with food from last night that got dropped on the floor and no one noticed, or mentioned to me so I could clean it.  I’m talking about not leaving a pile of toys and going to find a new pile of toys to drop on the floor.  I’m talking about having a floor that you can see, that is clean and knowing where your bed ends and the pile of toys begins. My kids and I are all learning how to take care of a house at the same time.  I’m not great at it, but I’m getting better every day.  That’s all anyone can do.  So I don’t beat myself up over it.

ok, gotta go clean now that I’m thinking about it.  The DirectTV guy is coming to see why one of the tv’s only gets some channels when it’s in the mood.

I’ll be back later,

:)

Irresponsible reporting by the Tampa Tribune

I am appalled and ashamed to live in the area covered by this newspaper. I feel dirty and tainted just because I’ve contributed to their business (I subscribed) in the past.

Some obviously bored and ignorant reporters have taken it upon themselves to ruin a mans life. I guess it happens all the time but this time I happened to actually read the news this morning with my coffee. These ignorant individuals have fished out the story of year!! It’s gonna make the earth stop turning!! They’ve saved humanity with their wonderful research skills!! They’ve dug up a gay porn company that is owned by a man working for the Tampa-Hillsborough County Expressway Authority and exposed his privately owned, has nothing at all to do with his job there, company. Oooookay. First of all…what does this have to do with his ability to do a job? Has he done something wrong to instigate someone searching his private activities? Or has he perhaps annoyed someone by speaking up and that someone thought they’d get even by spewing about his private business?
 
Have they thought about the facts that:

1. His business is legal
2. No one is being hurt or exploited, it’s all adults involved
3. He’s not mixing the two businesses, and as far as their article implies, one does not interfere with the other.
4. They’ve just eliminated the mans major livelyhood
5. His family will most likely have to move when they can’t pay their bills. After the water is shut off. After the electricity is shut off. After their cars are taken away. And hopefully before the bank takes their home.
6. They’ve allowed their own PERSONAL moral beliefs to RUIN a man’s life.

I am just sick that these ignorant people are loose in our community and are able to do damage to anyone they come across.

What someone does in their own time is their own business. And in this town…you have got to be kidding. Tampa is one of the biggest hubs of Adult businesses. There are so many adult webmasters here it’s not even funny. How do I know? Where do you think I learned the cutting edge design that I do? Where did I learn to program? Where did I learn about SEO? Yup, you got it. After searching for jobs in this economic hell hole (Tampa Bay area) and being forced to decide between working in McDonalds or doing design for the local paper (the very same one that ruinned this mans life - of course if they get paid what they pay designers then it’s no wonder they are bitter and evil) I started looking for alternatives.

When the paper wants to pay minimum wage to someone with years of experience, and local businesses haven’t got the money to hire people to do the marketing and advertising they need…and a small adult website was willing to pay me $800 a week…guess who I decided to work for? It’s a no brainer for me. My kids need to eat, I took the job.

And after working with these people…I’d prefer them to the hypocritical, supposedly Christian, bible thumpers here (there are way too many customers from these local isp’s for them to all be as pure as they claim). The webmasters I work with are honest, they make contributions to charity, they are fighting child exploitment, they are the ones watching the internet and getting the scumbags that do that to kids thrown in jail. Who do you think tips off the government? Sure wasn’t that neighbor who got busted for molesting a 9 year old…that CHRISTIAN all the neighbors and the family swear is a fine upstanding man. Nope, it’s adult webmasters who are in a position to alert someone when their is a dirtbag on the net. But these same people get “exposed” by the ignorant, they lose their day jobs, they are ostracized by society…the same society that pays $35 a month to join their porn sites. It’s disgusting.

Ok, so now you all know I have designed adult sites. Honestly, I design all sites. I work for myself now. I will design anything as long as it’s legal. I’m also good and I’m not cheap anymore due to what I’ve learned in the adult industry. I’ve also learned about business and networking from these people. And they are more in touch with reality than the clueless sheeple that walk around being shocked when someone owns an adult site.

If people would stop worrying about what everyone else is doing, and start taking care of their own world…this would be a much nicer place to live. And if the guy that I pay to fix my car also owns an adult website…well then, more power to him! I wish him the best.

You know, the losers who exposed this poor man could have at least linked to his sites so he’d get the benefit of some inbound links.

What a waste.

Barbaro and New Bolton Center deserves yet another “Thank You”

I’m really tired of being a bitter twisted bitch that just finds the negative in life and forgets to focus on the positive.  I’m gonna leave the whole voting thing alone for now.  Mostly because it appears to have been understood by more people than I imagined and I was wrong when interpretting it.  I do think that these things should be worded more simply, and there are still people who aren’t sure how the “simple explanation” in the paper today had anything to do with that convoluted paragraph that was on the ballet.  So, I’m not gonna dwell on how the election people either screwed up or tried to sway the vote, but on how to make sure it doesn’t happen in the future.  I’m not sure how that is done, but I’ll be checking into it


Ok, now…there are some people that just inspire you to be your best no matter what life piles on your plate.  There are some animals too.  I spent a few years of my life going to college while working and commuting in NYC.  My goal was to become a veterinarian.  There were no veterinary schools in NJ so my targets were the two closest…Cornell and the University of Pennsylvania.  During my time of getting enough credits to get into Pre-Vet classes, I got pregnant.  This alone was not a reason to stop going to school.  Running to throw up every 5 minutes during lessons and lectures…that was enough of a reason to stop going to school.  I couldn’t keep interrupting everyone else just to reach my goal, so I put it on hold.

So now you have a bit of a background on my secret goals…and yes, if the chance presents itself, I’m going back to school.  I am also obsessed with horses, so naturally, my choice would have been to focus on large animals when I got to that point in my education. I had some pretty well defined goals and dreams.  Some day soon I might just take them out of the shoebox that I stuffed them in when I chose to get married and give up my soul. (did I say I wasn’t gonna be bitter?) 


Alright, on to the purpose of this post.  I watch the Triple Crown every year.  I love the energy of horse racing…I can feel the rush even when I’m watching from home.  I’ve been watching since I was a kid, and I remember being totally distraught when I passed 5′ 0″ because I felt that my chances of becoming a jockey had just flown out the window.  Well, at 5′ 7″, I’m surely never going to get to ride in a race…but I still connect with the whole thing.  It’s wonderful.  It’s inspiring…it’s like a small example of life.  You rush out of the gate with a goal in mind and if you push yourself and if you keep on course…you are gonna finish the race.  You will reach the goal.  You might not win…but you finished! You accomplished it!  And then…there are some horses that touch your heart, that make you feel like getting out and reaching a few of those finish lines a day.  You watch their races and you walk away with a sense that anything in the world can be attained.  All you need is the determination that they have shown for that few minutes on the track.  All you need is a portion of their spirit and you could achieve anything you set out to do.  Barbaro is one of those horses.  After winning the Kentucky Derby, people were feeling that this, this horse…He was gonna break the long dry spell of Triple Crown Winners.  He had what it takes to win all three races.  He was going to inspire more people that he could ever imagine just by winning three horse races.  People would stay home from work, run to the nearest sports bar if they did work, just to watch the races.  People would be talking about Barbaro for a long time to come.  At least this is what I was feeling…and I was right.  Sort of.  Barbaro did win the Derby.  He started the Preakness.  He got everyone’s nerves in a bunch by breaking from the gate early and alone.  He had to be walked back,  examined and reloaded.  Then the whole field left the gate with the bell and….something went horribly, horribly wrong.  Barbaro was pulled up by Prado and the entire crowd forgot that there was still a race going on.  All eyes were on Barbaro as he limped on three legs, holding his hind leg up in a serious manner.  He had shattered, not just broken, he SHATTERED 3 bones in his leg into 20+ pieces.  For most horses, this would have been the end of their life.  But thankfully, Barbaro’s owners,  Gretchen and Roy Jackson saw a chance and decided to take it.  If he wasn’t going to be in pain, they were willing to do whatever it took to save him.  And thousands of fans are glad that they did.

I keep up with Barbaro on a regular basis.  No, I don’t talk to the horse, but I check on his progress via the internet.  There was a time when I was scared to see what was happening, especially when he developed laminitis.  I checked the New Bolton Center’s website for their newsmagazine today and found Barbaro on the cover.  The article was a good one, written from the point of view of the school so it’s not the typical fan article.  This one was meant for the school to read, but it lets you in on how great a place it truly is.  I’m so sorry that I missed the opportunity to study there.  Who knows?  Someday I still might.

New Bolton Center deserves some major thanks from everyone who has been inspired by Barbaro’s spirit and for letting us all in to watch as they saved a life, and gave us all a little bit of hope.
THANK YOU NEW BOLTON CENTER!!!

Oh! And while you are checking out the main site and progress on Barbaro, consider making a donation to the Barbaro fund.  No, it’s not to pay for Barbaro’s care, but to help fund the hospital that has saved him from being destroyed and can help countless other animals with their skills.
Now that I’m feeling inspired to change the world…I’m gonna go get ready for a ballet recital.  I’ll speak to you all later

Voting and misleading wording on Florida ballot

I voted.  I read all the information before I left, I knew what I was voting for and who I was voting for.  How then, did it take me 15 minutes of reading and rereading one ammendment to make a decision? And I’m not even sure I voted the way I wanted.  I have no idea what the damned thing said!  I got back home and checked again…I think I voted correctly.  BUT when I spoke to a few people about it…they told me they’d voted the opposite.  I asked why they would vote to let the government take their property if it felt it was worth it for the community to put, say for example, a hotel on their lot instead of their home, because it would be for the greater good (that was how I interpretted it - I could be wrong though).  They were shocked and said that isn’t what they voted on!!  But it is.  The ammendment was worded in such a way that it appeared you were voting on one thing, when if you continued and pieced it all together…you were approving of the very thing it implied you were against.  I’m really ticked off.  I have read this so many times tonight and I STILL don’t know if I voted right.  The people I spoke to said they hadn’t been sure of what it said really either, but had gone on the first line of it.  Now they don’t know if they voted right.  This is NOT what government is supposed to do.  Convoluting something so you vote how they want you to is pushing it way too far.  I’m pissed.  I also have a big mouth, I get obsessed with fighting for a good cause, AND I know how to get my sites listed all over the net.  I’m thinking it’s time to start fighting over this.  Now, I’m gonna make sure I’m not blowing up over nothing, but if a group of people meets, discusses it and no one is even debating the issue…on election day…because they are all standing around scratching their heads over whether they even understood what they voted for…something is wrong.

I’ve always thought that starting an education site on the processes of American Government would be great, I can push it to homeschoolers and let them teach their children that there is more than one party, and that they should vote for what they feel is right, not on just a party.  I think the Jefferson in my blood is coming out…I can not sit by and watch the country go to hell in a handbasket.

I’m venting right now…let’s see if I can keep this momentum going and do something that might make me proud of myself.  It’ll embarrass the hell out of my family, but not the ones that matter.  The ones that matter will only say, “I knew you had it in you!! I am so proud!”

ok, gotta tend to kids and get them in bed…again. 

see you later
:)

Serious lack of communication skills

um…sometimes I think I might just go stark raving mad one of these days.  I feel like I’m split in two sometimes.  And every once in a while the one part will look at the other part and ask, “When are you gonna get some freaking nerve, woman??”

I know he’s not gonna remember this tomorrow but the conversations (if you count me talking and him trying to take me on a guilt trip a conversation) are consistently veering off into the “why are we even together” area.

The lack of communication is fucking killing me.  I talk, he gives up.  The very second that the conversation isn’t feeding his need to be a martyr, he says, “I just don’t understand” and changes the subject or fucking walks off.

Tonight was him telling me how I never listen to him and we don’t respect his wishes.  So I asked when he was gonna stop talking to me in his head and discuss these things out loud with me.  Ok, I was a bitch. But who fucking wouldn’t be after 13 years of someone having their own bloody conversations in their head and thinking that at some point this imaginary conversation actually took place?  And then he has the fucking balls to be upset because I didn’t do what he wanted me to do!  He has not spoken to me about anything except (and don’t even ask why I fucking bother with this one) that most nights I’ll sit with him for a short while and listen to him tell me the very same thing he told me the night before.  His favorite subjects are the scumbags he works with, how the girls need more discipline and how I decided to homeschool without his approval.  Every.  Fucking.  Night.

There was a big gap there, my oldest girl came in with a sore throat.  Now I’m just plain exhausted.  I’ll see if I can pick up where I left off sometime in the morning.

nite all

:)

Anthony Robbins and moving forward

Mom lent me a CD tonight that she just got, it’s Anthony Robbins “Get the Edge - Day 1″ and I’ve half listened to a bit of it while driving, doing dishes, cleaning and moving furniture.  This guy might just be what I need.  If I only walk away from this experience with half his energy, I’ll be a step up from where I am now.  I’m most interested to see this whole package she got.  I might have to invest some money in it.  She got me started on reading Psycho Cybernetics and I’m about 2/3 of the way through but now I have to hurry to finish it so I can start this new one.  You know, I hate it when people start giving me things to do to make my life better and I can’t even be lazy about it.  *sigh*   LOL  (I’m kidding, really)  I’m very excited by the possibilities.  Oh man…the things that I could end up doing and being….what a rush at that thought!!

For now though, I’m gonna go to bed, read as much as I can before passing out and then get up tomorrow, and school my kids and clean.  Hopefully some work will be waiting for me, but if not, this house can use some cleaning.

Goodnight!!

:)

Pretending to be a human

Mom and I went out today and planned on getting coffee and a roll at the bakery/coffee company by the fabric store that we were headed to.  But the bakery was closed.  Not closed like it hadn’t opened yet.  It was closed.  Period.  Ceiling tiles hanging, outdoor furniture askew…I’m not sure when it happened but it’s a shame.  I did enjoy it the few times I was in there.  It was like a refreshing blast of civilization.  Oh well.  We went to the Barnes and Noble instead.  There is a Starbucks in there where I could at least get a civilized cup of cappucino.  We realized upon entering that we were really there without kids.  We could LOOK at books.  We could read more than the cover review without someone begging to be taken to the kids section or the bathroom.  I also realized that there was a long haired dude…oh yeah, my senses are returning, it would appear.  Now, don’t go thinking I’m out scouting for some fun.  I’ve no intention of ever going that route, but it was just so odd to be aware of a member of the opposite sex.  (and it might be my imagination…but he seemed to be quite aware that I was there as well.  He walked by where we were throughout the store approximately 15 times.  I never see B&N employees walking around that much…or maybe I just never noticed).  So, I’m feeling like…maybe there is some fucking hope for a pleasant life.  I could even get some friends if I didn’t have the fear of being embarrassed to death by the drunk.

I have a million thoughts going through my head right now, but I’m distracted by him having the girls outside with their bikes and I’m really hoping he doesn’t look in my van and see McDonalds wrappers all over.  He’s given the order (in his mostly manly “I’m the king of this castle” voice) that his children are not to have garbage food in their system.  I say, a little junk in moderation is just fine.  Especially when I’m fucking working and cleaning and running them to ballet, gymnastics and whatever else we have to do for school.  I don’t have time to cook a freaking balanced meal three times a day and get everything he expects from me done AND earn the money that we need to support our incredibly out of balance lifestyle.  So, I’m torn between letting him see it, having him confront me and me just getting it out and telling him to stuff his opinion up his ass…and going out and cleaning it while he’s not looking.  God.  You know what?  I’m a bloody wuss.  In print it just looks so much worse than I’ve been rationalizing it all.  I’m going to go hide what I do so he won’t be upset?  EVERYTHING I DO UPSET HIM…Who am I kidding, really?

Ok, they are calling me out to see them ride bikes…I’ll be back later if time permits.

:)

Just saying hi

I had an idea for a post, I sat here writing for a little while…then my browser went apeshit and I lost it all. I haven’t got the energy to start over. It was a rant on patriotism and the lack of it in my husbands family…the short version? ok…if you force me. LOL

My in-laws were due to come over tomorrow. My father in law does nothing but bitch about Americans. It drives me nuts and I was going to counter attack before he even got his mouth started. Oh wait. If I counter attack before he attacks…then that means I attacked and he’s counter attacking. Right? Whatever…he’s been doing this for years, it’s time I got this shit to end.

Ok…so…let’s forget that bit about a short version. I ain’t made that way. LOL So…the girls and I went to the bookstore yesterday and got new schoolbooks. We got some sweet new “Hooked on…” (as in Hooked on Pre-K and Hooked on 1st Grade) and they just love these things. They won’t stop doing them. What does this have to do with my in-laws and patriotism? Just wait…you’ll see…I’m really getting there.

So, these books come with posters. And stickers. Which, i feel, is why they are so into them. They do something right, they get a sticker. One in the book and then one up on the poster. In order to really get the effect, the poster has to be up on the wall. Right? Right! So, I’m on a roll…being me…and I decided “Screw this trying to hide our freakish unatural schooling methods from everyone!! These babies are going right up on the dining room wall. All 10 of them! Yeah!! LOL There are 10!! Isn’t it great??? Ok…so…I’m looking at the walls thinking we can really get somewhere, now our progress isn’t just hidden in the playroom that is so full of dress up dresses and stuffed animals that you can’t get in…it’s up on the dining room wall!! Everyone will see how great we are doing!! We can’t skip school without it glaring our faces!!! This is just what we need. Also, when you come out of my bedroom door, the first thing you notice now is 10 (Yes, 10!! LOL) bright colored posters with stickers on them. It’s truly in my face and I can’t forget to do it.

Ok, back to my reason for this post…I’m sitting there looking at the wall and the drunk mentions that he’s invited his parents over on Sunday. OK. Whatever. And then I’m thinking…”Ooooooo…Won’t it be fucking hilarious to see thier faces when they see the 10 (Yes, 10!!) 11 inch x 17 inch posters plastered on the dining room wall??” And then I can hardly wait. I’m thinking this is gonna be just the funniest thing ever. Now…skip ahead to today…I’m checking email and get one from my mom. It’s a copy of an editorial on patriotism. Then I start thinking about the Father in law and his annoying as hell rants. Then I think they are coming over. Then I think of the dining room wall. THEN…what if? Hmmmmm…What if i put a big assed poster on the wall that says, “It’s Our Country, It’s Our Heritage, It’s Who We Are” (and in smaller letters..) “If you don’t like it, then go back where you came from” and then put a list of all the great Americans that we’ve learned about already under the poster…sort of use it for our History progress poster. Yeah, I know, it’s negative. But if I make it without the nasty bit about going back where you came from then it’s not too bad. It won’t get the point across to the nasty bastard tomorrow, but then who says anything would get the point across? He’s a close minded emotionally weak person who needs to attack everything before he can be attacked (as if he’s anybody worth attacking). Of course, now that I think of it, I’m sitting here plotting how I can tell him off without actually speaking to him…so who is worse?

I’m having major ups and downs in my mood today…it could be hormonal. It could be that I’ve let myself experience how things should be and now I can’t keep myself under control like I’ve done for the past 13 years or so. Hell..who am I kidding? I’ve been restrained almost my whole life. I just blame myself for the last 13 because I was freaking FREE!!!! And I chose to end up in this situation! Well, it’s not like I sat down and made a decision to be smothered by someone else’s ego. But I did decide to go with this person, to make a life with this person. Boy did I screw up a good thing. But I did get two of the most awesome and incredible little girls because of it, so maybe this all happened for a reason?
I think I need sleep…my babbling has gone from upbeat to somewhat depressing really quickly. I’ll see you happy peoples tomorrow.

nite

oh yeah, I hacked off my hair today :P

I got it cut by a real hairdresser (as opposed to me doing it myself cause I have no money) and she cut about 8-10 inches off.  I wasn’t really paying attention to it, but it’s totally not there anymore.  I felt like my shirt was missing or something when we came outside.  That is how much hair I had before.  I used to sort of be all over me like a blanket.

I’m almost ready to do something really drastic with it…anything but cut it much more.  Maybe some color.  Or colors…I had a wicked Manic Panic addiction when I was about 20.  I had all the colors…sometimes in layers…fades of pink to purples, blue to black, etc…

Boy do I miss the days when I could be me.

:)

Self doubt

Meg mentioned something about men that make you doubt yourself.  I really hate it when I realize how much he’s made me doubt myself.  And I’m still doubting myself.  Do I want to make an effort to get our relationship back in some salvagable form?  Is it possible?  Is it worth it?  Can my hatred for him actually be hatred for myself being so stupid?

Sometimes I look at him and think, maybe it’s really been me this whole time.  Then he says something like “Don’t give me any of that crap about you working 24/7, as far as I’m concerned you’ve been retired for years!”  and he says it in front of the kids and my mom just after I’ve come in from making $300 for designing a website template for someone.  I was embarrassed to have my kids see their father be so ignorant and I was feeling pretty sure of myself and he’s damned lucky I didn’t gouge his eyes out with a rusty soup spoon.

Yeah, I know, I’ve ranted about that before.  Oh…you want a new one?  How about “It’s friday morning and you are the mom, and you are SUPPOSED to make me breakfast just because it’s friday and you are the mom.”  Yes, he’s a fucking asshole.  BUT then my beautiful daughter says, “You aren’t doing anything.  Why don’t you make us breakfast?  Mom has to teach us before she goes in to work.  Yes, it would make more sense for you to make us breakfast.”

For some reason he thinks I set them up for those type of comments.  But the little darlings come up with it all on their own!! LOL

They aren’t gonna be depending on any neanderthalish man if i can help it.

Next step is to put my money where my mouth is and just tell him to go live with his mommy if he needs someone to take care of him so badly.  I’m not his maid, his cook or his fucking verbal punching bag.  I’ve had enough.

Now if I only had the nerve….

ok, bedtime.  Night all!!

he’s still employed…what a circus up there!

just updating on his employment situation.  I’m exhausted so this won’t be too long.

He went up knowing that they were going to cut his pay, eliminate his job, etc…had his meeting and managed to walk out at the end with no changes being made to his job.  Not quite sure how long that will last, as the boss is unstable as hell.  We shall see.

I am still happy with my job.  I did an interesting thing today.  For the first time in ages I went and did some job related research.  I was reading and researching on how to improve my own abilities.  It was so cool. 


Well, I’m experiencing that very not-so-wonderful time of the month, I’m an evil bitch, I’m tired, and I’m just dying to go get under some blankets.  So…I will see you happy peoples tomorrow.

‘nite

:)

he’s off to get fired…or resign…or something

what a freaking exciting thing to drive an hour for, huh?

This guy that the hubby works for is just such a selfish, ignorant bastard.  I can see that karma is at work with this guy but as it’s causing everyone around him grief, it does suck. But, I’m not so sure the people being effected by his poor judgement, lack of morals are all so innocent.  I mean, really, does my hubby have a history of being a caring, ethical human without a blemish of selfishness or greed on his record?  HAHAHAHA!  Yeah, right.  The thought is quite hilarious.

I think what I’m getting at here is that while the scumboss is dishing out shit, the people who are receiving the shit could very well have dished out their own shit in the past and could possibly just be in line to receive that shit back.  Now, I’m not saying that I haven’t dished out my own shit (yes, I have some points in my past that I’d just as soon say I never was there for, but I was.  I own up to it, and I regret it.  I don’t think that makes me immune to getting paid back for it though) and could possibly just be getting my just desserts.  But, the kids don’t deserve this…of course, they don’t deserve any of the hell they’ve had to watch from the sidelines these last few years.  I’m not sure where I stand on kids and karma…I think that they are supposed to be absorbing all this and using it as a learning tool when they are old enough to understand what is going on.  Maybe?  I don’t know.  All I do know is that getting mad won’t help.  The only thing that can be done (so we can keep moving forward) is to channel the energy and frustration into something productive.

Ok, it’s early, I’m freezing my rear end off (it’s 60 degrees!!  it was in the 80’s 2 days ago!!) and the kids are getting up and want breakfast.  I’ll see you happy people later.

:)

Just when you thought I was getting things under control…

HAHAHAHA!!!

The husband just messaged me that he’s going to be quitting his job.  Well, that or taking a pay cut (they haven’t even given him his first promised raise, now they are cutting it in half!!) and being reassigned.

His boss is a fucking lunatic and an asshole.  I swear.  I wondered how his wife put up with his shit, but I was recently informed that she’s filed for divorce.  I wonder if she needs people to verify that the guy is unstable?  Hmmmm….

One of the people there said that two years ago, he made everyone take a week off UNPAID so he could save some money.  This guy is a fucking millionaire!!  He’s such an unstable piece of shit, he hires good people, they earn him money and then he takes it all out of their accounts to put into projects that never earn and only cost more and more and then has the balls to blame the people that earned him all the fucking money in the first place!  You know what?  He’s better off elsewhere.  This guy is a trainwreck waiting to happen.

Ok, I’m done venting for the moment.  I’m just pissed off now that this will put a kink in things.  But it won’t stop my plans.  I’m still moving forward.

:)

Where the hell is Waldo??

We just got back from visiting Grandma in the hospital up in Jacksonville.  I love going up there, I just wish it wasn’t to see her being treated for pneumonia.  My family really is a fun lot…they had the breathing mask on Grandma and my aunt was telling her to say “Luke, I am your father…” like Darth Vader.  With the mist coming out of it, it would have been a cool effect.  The nurse must have thought we were nuts, making an 89 year old woman with pnuemonia laugh during her breathing treatment but…maybe that is why she made it to 89.  She’s had a lot of laughter in her life.  They really enjoy life up there.  I wonder why I have to always make things so hard.  Well..enough of that, I’m changing it all, no sense dwelling on shit that has already happened.  Unless it’s to learn from it.

We drove home through Ocala.  And now I’m really starting to see where I’m changing.  When we moved, I agreed to come down because I’d been sold on coming to Ocala.  I’m a horse junkie.  It’s a logical place for me to live.  Honestly, I’d have been in heaven if we’d gone there when we first moved down.  BUT…  Yeah, I said BUT.  I’ll give you the BUT’s:

1. HE decided that he didn’t want to live there based on about 3 blocks of an outskirt area of Ocala and he hightailed it out of there faster than Seattle Slew broke from a starting gate.  (there is a reason I think of Seattle Slew when thinking of my husband bolting from Ocala, but I’m sure I’ve bitched about that already)

2. I um…I am not sure I would be happy there now.  Yes.  Really.  I freaking can’t believe it!  We passed 1000’s of horses and I just kept thinking…I wish I could be happy here but I don’t think I can.  I’ve been thinking I need to be on a mountain somewhere, away from people…but…was that me?  did I decide that OR was that idea fed to me over the years til I decided it was me?  I don’t want to live on a fucking mountain.  I want a Starbucks and a Barnes and Noble within a 15 minute drive.  I want museums, zoos, activities, culture, events, people with educations as neighbors, I want a creative surrounding, I want a place that is alive to surround me.  I am quite sure that i can get my 20 acres, big barn, lots of horses and still be able to go get decent Sushi or sit and read one of my favorite UK based design magazines while sipping Starbucks in a big cushy chair.  It has to be possible.  And I’m gonna find it.

Ok, the Waldo reference…I just realized I skipped that bit.  We drove the side roads all the way up and back, my kid was carsick and it was the only way to be able to pull over safely every 30 minutes.  Normally, when driving through Waldo, all I do is watch the speedometer as the big billboards all claim it to be a big speed trap and I know that I have relatives who have all been pulled over for various reasons, most not good enough for most police officers to pull you over for…cause they aren’t even ticketable anywhere else (things like taillights not being quite bright enough - this is on a new car, mind you, not some old clunker that had a loose wire or something) So..normally I just watch the road, the speedometer and the lights…and ignore everything I’m passing.  Well, I was the passenger going North and noticed a drive though espresso place…and on the way south I remembered it and went hunting (since I’d had no coffee in hours, not a good thing for me )  We stopped, got a cappucino and…I was pretty damned impressed.  It was great.  I think the place was called Elliano’s or something, but it was very good.  And now, I’ve spent a whole paragraph to tell you I had a good cup of coffee…lol

Oh, I’m also starting to worry about Enyo.  She had a bad day Thursday and hasn’t been back.  I’m getting nervous and wish she’d come back online.  I have had problems with blogger not updating for me, it’s like it’s cached the page and refuses to refresh even though every other page I go to will refresh.  It could be my browser, but either way, I’m starting to worry.   (I’ve just checked one last time and it seems blogger is having issues, so it could be that she just can’t get on there)

Ok, gotta do some work. BBL

:)

Moms funny email and telling people off and happy endings :)

Ok, before someone tries to tell me I’m an insensitive bitch…you can keep it to yourself, cause I just don’t care anymore

There is a quote from Dolores Claiborne (Stephen King) where Vera Donovan is telling Dolores about her own past…she said, “Sometimes, being a bitch is all a woman has to hold on to.” I’ve always liked that statement for some reason.  Now, I’m thinking I’m just about past the “bitch” stage (well, except from hubby’s pov) and I’m ready to be really positive. BUT in the meantime, there are a few people I’d like to tell off. After telling of my own hubby and his family, who think I’m a horrid mom and wife due to the lies he’s been telling them (so maybe it’s not their fault completely but they just are too happy to tell me how horrible I am so they need a telling off),  I need to fly over to the UK and tell off a certain Fat Bastard. After collecting Enyo and her little one for a quick flight to the US so she can tell off the Fat Bastard’s mistress for not making the Fat Bastard leave and move to the States to be with her…then they can fly off to Australia and we’ll all live happily ever after!!! Ahhh…wouldn’t it be so nice? I’m very sure it will happen. And soon. I’ve got a good feeling, and since I haven’t had one in AGES! I’m gonna pay attention.

So back to this email mom sent…it’s crude, it’s funny…it’s just one of those things. Like it or ignore it. Your choice

From the outside looking in, it’s like watching a tennis match…

or maybe it’s like watching someone else on a rollercoaster.  But I think since I’ve detached myself a bit and taken a step back…I’ve confirmed that it truly is not me that is crazy.  He’s completely…I don’t even know what it is.  Ungrounded?  Unfocused?  Unstable?  He’s un-something.  Whatever it is…he can have it.  What an exhausted way to exist.  I really don’t know how I managed to stay caught up in that for 13 years without coming completely unraveled.

ok, big gap there…the drunken fool came home.  *sigh*

My best friend called the other day (we’ve been friends since 5th grade, and whether we get along at the time or not - it’s such a sister like relationship - she will be my “best friend” til my dying day) and enlightened me to a few things.  One, that I was totally an idiot for kissing his ass these last 13 years.  And Two, that I wasn’t hiding my pathetic behaviour from her very well.  Shock to me.  Really, I wasn’t trying to hide me being a big giant weenie that spent all day trying to please the unpleasable drunken fool, but I must have been ashamed at some level so I played up how great life was when we spoke on the phone.  I would brag about how great of a house we had, the stuff we did, blah, blah, blah…and she would get pissed cause I was just screaming out for an intervention but she was 1800 miles away and not in a position to do anything about my pathetic lifestyle.  And, she knows how hardheaded I am.  I would never had listened to a word she said anyway.  Got to learn it all the hard way.  Yup, that’s me. 


And now, I have got to get back to work.  I’m designing like crazy and loving every minute of it.

:)

busy busy busy…

Every time I say that I’m reminded of the nasty magician in Frosty the Snowman…

Today was busy though. Gymnastics is about a 40 minute drive, one way…that took up a chunk of the day.  So did the crying and whining before we left…I don’t want to go, I want to go but my stomach hurts, I don’t want to go, I don’t want to miss it…I think these two have cabin fever from being stuck here for 2 weeks while they were sick and are starting to really lose their grip on being reasonable.

Tomorrow is ballet, let’s hope that is a better experience.  We had to grocery shop and then race home, cook, clean, mow the grass, help the girls make a birthday card for their grandfather, take a shower and eat.  Oh, and did i mention that during all that (within an hour and 30 minute time frame) I also worked.  I made a few banners somewhere in there.  We then rushed to his dad’s house for a birthday party, his dad doesn’t really know when he was born (they didn’t keep good records in Greece when he was born) so it fluctuates…this year they decided today would be a good day for a birthday.  We hung out there, was pleasantly not treated like an asshole (only because there were other guests there this time) and then came home too late.  The girls were wired on ice cream cake and soda and didn’t fall asleep til about 11:30.  I worked a bit and now…I’m gonna go to bed and try to rest and hopefully get up early and start over again.

I did discover that my technology challenged husband has a MySpace account.  Which is odd.  I only discovered it by accident, as he let it slip while speaking to his sister and nephew.  Definitely interesting to consider WHY he has it.  Now, to most of you, it’s not a big deal.  And I’m not thinking he’s off having a big fake life over there…it’s just that he never mentioned it.  He can’t even get into his webmail to check it without help. So the fact that he’s got a MySpace acct seems weird.  The fact that he failed to mention it is intriguing.

ok, enough of that stuff.  Gonna hit the hay.  I’m exhausted.

Have a great night!!

:)

I expect Rod Serling to step out from behind a door any moment.

I really might be in the Twilight Zone.  One minute he’s pissed off and spewing obscenities about the world in general.  One minute he’s totally unglued.  And one minute he’s actually acting like his old self (I’m sure it’s a complete fabrication since that person is long gone).  Although it is somewhat relaxing to not be fighting for the brief moment.  I’m not buying the act when he does it, just taking advantage of a few minutes to breath.  My life plan is still in action and I’m not changing it for anything. 

Ok, gotta go work.  I’m really liking this job, it is keeping me rather busy though.  I think once we get everything settled into a routine, then I might have more personal time to post.

Off to build some website templates..see you all later.

:)

he’s completely coming unwound. And apparently it’s all my fault

So, I’m really really happy.  I can’t even express the coolness of my current work position.  Again, it’s something I’ll get into later as I have loads to do and only a little time to squeak in a post here.

I’m looking at being able to afford to pay our bills.  ALL of our bills.  My job is that of a designer for a person who develops websites.  Quite simple, and yet, exactly what I have always wanted.  I suck at selling myself.  I cave in to pressure and don’t think I’m good enough to warrant the prices I must charge.  Now, I KNOW I’m good enough, but for some reason my self esteem just goes and hides when it comes time to give a quote.  I end up giving away the farm and having to live with the annoying client who thinks his hundred dollars entitles him to 24/7 support as well as a high quality design and hosting and SEO and and and…well, you get the picture.

I always knew I needed a sales person but hell…how can I afford a sales person when I can’t even feed my kids?

At the recommendation of a very nice woman I speak to frequently, I started reinventing myself.  I started with the attitude.  I am talented, dammit.    Then I actually felt a shift after I told off the hubby, I told him I was going to succeed despite him.   Within a few hours, I had this job.  Things started happening.  I can feel the change.

Now, as I’m sitting here in my new position…I can see him falling apart.  I’m watching from the outside and seeing his mood swings, his thoughts whirling in his head, his desperate need to be in control and his anxiety about the fact that he’s not any longer.  He’s also lost control at work.  Well, imagine that shit.  You get drunk at work and people feel they can’t depend on you?  All I can say is, I know how they feel.

So, one day he’s cordial.  Then later he’s trying to be smooth and cool and make me relax and take some time off.  The next day he’s not speaking to me.  Then he’s just fucking out there again.  Is he in a perpetual state of drunkeness? I think he might just be at this point.

Tonight, he’s come home and broken the towel rack off the wall, the light cord off the ceiling fan, the television remote control and his own cell phone.  He’s pissed, bitching about everything and when I said the towel rack was a matter of a bit of joint compound and a trowel, he got mad at my optimism.
He’s coming unglued.  I might be a tad scared too.  I don’t know where it is going to go or how bad it’s going to get.  I’ve yet to get my first paycheck.  Will he totally freak if i actually get paid (I’m sure he’s thinking I’m making this whole job thing up).

Well, no matter what he’s going to do or how he’s coming unglued…I have work to do and I will keep an eye on his behaviour and act accordingly.  I won’t let his intimidation and need to be in control ruin my current work.  It’s my life now.  And it’s not me that should be afraid.  It’s him.  He should be very afraid because his world as he knew it doesn’t exist and never will again.

I’ll see you all later.

:)

ok, life just got pushed up to the gear just past full speed…and I’m totally digging it!!

ok, right now I’m still just riding the wave.  The basics: I got a new job.  I fucking love it.  I’m doing what I love and what I’m talented at.  And I’m not telling a freaking soul til I’ve gotten at least my first paycheck cause…well, let’s just say I’m not gonna spoil anything…I’m a tad neurotic about life when things start to go right.

So.  FYI: This is reinvent myself time.  I can be whoever I wanna be.  And you know what?  I’m going for the gold. 

I’ll decypher this all later…but right now I gotta run.  Work awaits!!!

BAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

I love my job!!! 

We actually spent a nice day together and then it all went to shit

As if it could ever not go to shit.  I have to say that I think I handled myself very well.  I told him off politely and basically am planning my escape.  I’ve had it.  I’ve told him that, “Yes, you are responsible for most of our mess”.  He didn’t like that much.  I held back too.  I have years worth of shit piled up, just waiting to get out.  He’s lucky I stopped when I did, I could go on for hours and hours!

You know, I think that is one of the most infuriating things about his behaviour.  He refuses to discuss things.  Once shit goes in a direction he doesn’t like, he leaves or gets mad to deflect it all back to me.  This applies to life going in a direction he doesn’t like too.  It’s all my fault.  We are in financial ruin because I didn’t go get a minimum wage job at Starbucks yet.  It has nothing to do with him being a drunken idiot and missing the signs that his scumbag partner was getting ready to pull the multi-million dollar business they owned out from under him.  It also has nothing to do with us coming to this state with the express intent of doing one business (not food related for a change) and him panicking and putting every fucking penny we had left, after the outrageous legal bills and the puny settlement from the partner breakup, into a fucking restaurant in the very town I told him that everyone had told me to avoid like the plague (the restuarant then sucked out every single penny we had in the kids savings, IRA’s and mutual funds for the next 2 years).  No, it’s all my fault. Really.   Hey! Maybe it is.  Maybe if I had been a royal bitch we would not be in this position.  Maybe if I hadn’t trusted the person who I was married to and didn’t believe they were looking out for our best interest, then we would not be in the state of chaos and destruction we are now.  He could be right…it could be all my fault.  HA! Maybe on whatever planet he lives on these days…but in my world, you are supposed to be able to trust the person you marry, and they aren’t supposed to be so fucking selfish and weak that they can’t see past their next glass of Dewars on the rocks.

He pouted for about 5 hours before going off to bed.  I’m sure he’s still huffing and puffing in there.  Well, he can huff and puff til he fucking knocks the wall down.  I’m sleeping on the guest bed.  I want to be close to the munchkins tonight anyway.  The oldest is sick as can be, and has a fever that is scaring me.

And on that note, I’m off to check her again and get my book from the huffing and puffing section of the house so I can read on the quiet and pleasant side of the house.

nite

:)

Why can’t things just work as they should?

I stayed home from visiting my family today, the kids went with my mom to Jacksonville.  I wanted to go, but I wanted to work as well.  No.  I needed to work.  There is a difference.  So, I stayed home and all I did was fix things that had no explanation for being broken on the server, and I didn’t even get them all fixed, the damned thing is possessed or something, it just keeps on changing itself.

I also spent hours putting together files I can’t use because the server is possessed.  So I’m a tad frustrated.  Eventually, they will be used but not today as I had hoped.

So…the kids and mom left, he was outside doing yardwork, came in just to ask why I bother being on the computer for a hundred hours a week if I don’t make any money.  Nice.  I chose to ignore the fucker.

First, I’m on the computer 20 hrs a week, tops.  Second, the only reason I don’t make money is because he goes out of his way to make me stop working.  Every single time I get going, he finds something to distract me.  And he’s great for killing motivation.  He wants me to hang out with him instead of working, so he talks me out of working.  And then the next day will bitch about me needing to get a job so we can pay our bills.

Well, guess what fucko?  You can’t have it both ways!!!

Have I mentioned that I have PMS?  It probably isn’t making much of a difference, but I thought I’d mention it anyway.

I think I’m going to go to bed and see if I can’t have a better outlook on life in the morning.  Of course, if I get up and all my work on the server is gone again, I could go completely over the edge.  I really feel like there are forces working against me.  Everytime I make progress, I swear someone does something to fuck it up.  Not that it’s anyone in particular, but like some little gremlin type thing that just goes in and changes settings so that everything I’ve done won’t work any longer.

ok, really going to bed now.

have a great night

:)

I think I’ve been too damned tired to even post anything

Everyday has been full, the problems are abound.  I sit down in here to work at night and suddenly I’m fighting the urge to just lay down on the floor and sleep.

I’ve got the kids on a better school schedule, although they are quite offended by being pushed harder now.  Too bad.  My oldest is also being pushed in ballet class, too.  She’s older, she can handle more.  I need to push her in a few things around the house as well.  I think I’ve been too easy on them both up til now, mostly because I am so preoccupied with our life going to hell in a hand basket.

So, in short, I’m sort of proud of myself for putting their needs first for a change and not being so self-absorbed by hate and confusion.

I might have been motivated by my in-laws - they did the usual “you are ruining your kids lives by keeping them at home” bullshit last weekend and now I’m just that much more determined to show them how much we can do.  You know, I’m surrounded by people who are just so freaking miserable and try to keep you down so they feel better.  How sick is that?  And his parents have three kids..one is an alcoholic, one has OCD and one is a self-centered drama queen who has been emotionally traumatizing her children for almost 18 years.  And they want to give ME advice???  As if anyone sane would take it???  Freaking loony birds.

And this week they especially pissed me off.  My youngest won’t speak to them.  Actually, both kids will normally not speak to them for quite a while and then start when they warm up, after an hour or so.  My father-in-law is saying, at the table in front of her, that my youngest needs psychological help because she doesn’t talk to them.  I was about to tell him that she doesn’t talk to them because they make her uncomfortable.  They never come see them, they are miserable fuckers and all they do is yell and carry on about how horrible Americans are.  WHY would she like him?  She won’t even talk to her dad.  She hates how he gets and just refuses to have anything to do with him.  I think maybe she’s the only sane one here cause she does what she feels.

These people are vile and hate everything and I see how I was beginning to become like them.

My goal this week is to force myself to see the positive side to everything.  Like instead of being upset that the ceiling fell in on the lanai, I’ll be glad that no one (including turtles that were right under it) got hurt and that it’s not worse than it is.  Maybe by changing how I see things, I can change how I’m viewing this sick, dying relationship that I can’t seem to let go of.

Ok, I’m toast.  Going to bed now.   ‘Nite!!

:)

I try to keep my spirits high but the scumbags keep dragging me back down

Hey all.

I’ve spent the last week or so trying to get my work world back in order.  I’m close but not quite there.  And of course, there are reasons why.  And I swear nothing I had any control over.

Reason why I’m not on track yet #1:
My bloody ceiling on my lanai (screened room for those of you not familiar) collapsed.  I’m thinking that one peice of sheet rock will be enough to repair it BUT where is it coming from?  It seems that there is a seal that is broken but no one quite knows where it is coming from.  So they have to tear up a big chunk of roof.

Reason why I’m not on track yet #2:
And this just happened about 2 hours ago, so it’s really not a good reason but fuck it, it’s my blog…I can write whatever I want, right?? 


Some fuckwad loser in my neighborhood (Gulf Harbors) sent me hate mail because they thought my grass was too high.  ooooookay.  First, in my defence, let me say that I did have a landscaper, at least until 3 weeks ago.  And he’s just disappeared.  I got no notice so I wasn’t prepared to get another.  I also can’t really afford a new one and who says they will show up after I’ve paid them?  So we got my father-in-laws mower and mowed it Saturday.  Today I get a letter calling us “pigs” and that we should be ashamed of how we live and that we should move out.  What kind of sick fuck goes through the trouble of searching for our names (which he spelled wrong) and then mailing a letter via the post office (without a return address, of course).  And why would anyone be so freaking nasty?  I consider it a very scary, threatening letter and as soon as I calm down, I’m reporting it to the police.  I mean, I have kids…and this person seems to know the state of affairs in my home…my home that you can’t see in anywhere without being up in my windows.  I’m actually frightened of some lunatic out there with a grudge against me because my grass was too long and ruining his neighborhood.  I wonder if the rest of the landscapers clients that he abandoned also got letters.  I’ve posted on our neighborhood website, but that will probably get deleted as it puts the negative in a spotlight.  I think the website is intended to attract attention and intice prospective buyers.  but I don’t know for sure, I’ll wait and see.
I am just so pissed off right now.  Who is this piece of shit who sends letters to people calling them names and telling them to move out of the neighborhood??

Must be a person with a serious small-dick complex.  And it could be a woman, I don’t know for sure it’s a man.  All I know is that they are warped and scary and I’m reporting it to the police in case they decide that me bitching about them in a public forum in our precious neighborhood message board was going too far.  I just wish the coward had come up and knocked on the door.  I’d have let the dog show them the way off the property.

Ok, I disappear for a week and come back more hostile than ever.  I’m sure that is quite appealing, huh?  I’m gonna go get some coffee, do some work and try to calm the hell down.

But I’m not promising anything.