He's freaking nuts. There's no other explanation.

Now that we are officially divorced, I think he's finally grasping the concept that he has NO control over my world. 

Let me back up a little, to explain how I came to that realization.

Before the school year began last year, he needed at least one utility in his name so he could register the girls.  All our bills were in my name because he'd destroyed his own credit so bad, there was no hope of getting accounts in his name.  So I called Progress Energy, who said they could not do that, he'd have to get his own account.  Ok, next!  I called Verizon, who said "No problem".  I gave them his name, and supposedly they changed it.  He registered the girls so I thought it all worked out. 

Fast forward to a couple of weeks ago.  He said Verizon was still in my name and needed to be changed.  Huh?  Ok...I'd try again when I get a minute.  Then I got a call from Progress Energy thanking me for opening a new account.  Double HUH?  Apparently he opened his own account but it's still linked to my name and my phone.  He said he fixed it, but we'll see.

So today I get this incoherent ranting about the Verizon account and how I screwed everything up and I never did anything I was supposed and blah blah blah.  How he's the only one who considers our daughters, he's the only one who does what he's supposed to, he's the only one being responsible. 

He's delusional. 

This man has never done anything that wasn't going to benefit him in some way.  What does he get out of being responsible for the girls? Everyone sees him doing it and thinks he's SuperDad.  What if everyone heard how he was talking to my daughters the other night when he didn't know I was on Skype with them?  God, I wish I had a recording device, that shit would be ALL over Facebook, Twitter, everywhere I could broadcast it.  No one should speak to another human like that, and especially not your child!  What if everyone could see his drunk, snoring, disgusting body laying in the middle of the living room floor where he's passed out, and his kids have to step over him to get anywhere in the house?

Yes, he's delusional.  He can pretend to be whatever he wants to be...but my kids know the truth.  And really, that's the only people on earth that matter.


Oh, and while I'm already ranting, he's also under the impression I'm some completely incompetent moron.  If I'm incompetent, why is his world falling apart now that I'm gone?  Who the hell was holding it all together for the last 17 years??  What a freaking train wreck! 

He's also now asking me about my car, he wants to see my repair records and verification that it's safe to operate.  Does he really want to go that route?  I think not.  His car is a nightmare, and the house he lives in?  It's disgusting, too small for 3 people and falling apart. 


So, as we go along and the girls and I enjoy life and build a future and learn and explore and LIVE....I have a feeling he's going to spiral out of control and who knows where this will land?  My ex-friend (who supplied lots of lies to support my ex's attacks on me after I left him) used to be convinced he'd kill me and the girls when he finally lost control.  I guess I'll just have to be vigilant and see what happens.

I need an interpreter

A few weeks ago Tom asked me to send him a bill for the design work I had done on his websites and the art for his business cards and brochures...so I did.  I also included his website hosting bill.  He never responded.  I was too busy to go chase him so I just waited.  Then the deadline for paying the hosting came and went and I did what he would have done himself.  I suspended the service.  I pay for his bandwidth, and I can't afford to pay so he can earn money and not pay his bills.  Yes, I know I'm sounding like him now.  I'm sure that was his reasoning when he called and cancelled my car insurance.  Yes, I could have called him and asked if he was going to pay it and when and then maybe given him a little more time to pay it, but I also have deadlines, so he would only get a few days.  Of course, he could have called me and said can you get your car insurance all set up before the date this one renews so I can take my bank account off the insurance autopay?  That would have been lovely.  It would also have saved me a lot of money and hassle. But that's never been his way of doing things.  He's a control freak, he is always right and he always does things his way.  So I decided to play things his way.  His deadline came, and ok...I waited another 2 weeks almost (I'm always optimistic that people will see the right way to do things and change their ways), after 2 weeks with no payment, I turned off his email and websites.  He asked what it would take to get them back on.  I told him $60, just like the invoice I sent said. 

So...does he send me $60 to cover his bill?  Does he ask if I can wait another week?  Does he try to even be reasonable?  Nope!  He simply tells me he's turning off my cell phone.

See?  He doesn't pay his bill, I do what he would have done, what any business would have done, and he finds another way to make it not his fault and he'll punish me for having the nerve to do business in a normal manner. 

He's a vindictive horrible person. 

And it gets better.

Me, being the moron I am, talk to him and turn his sites back on (without being paid yet) because it's going to hurt his business, blah blah...whatever.  Anyway, I turn them back on.  Then we discuss the invoice I sent weeks ago (that he still says he never got and that I have since sent a new copy to the new email  he set up).  He went through the list and told me to send a new invoice with just a few hand picked items on there.  He also asked exactly when the hosting had to be paid.  Originally it was 11-1-11, but I covered that for him, now I told him 11-17-11, but if he was having a hard time paying that 11-25-11 was the final date to pay before it would all get shut off.  He was fine on the phone.   Oh, and I also let him know that I had updated my change of address and was now getting the electric bill and verizon bill, since they were still in my name.  I explained that all I did was change my address to get my own mail, not try to get his bills, but that I'd be happy to send information as it came in.  He was definitely a little weird about that...but what difference is it if I get my mail?  Unless he's doing stuff in my name?  Hmmmmmmm...

Anyway, he immediately called his lawyer regarding the bills (don't ask how I know, I have my sources) and then when I sent a follow up to the invoice for the hosting and other stuff, he sent back an email saying he didn't respond to extortion.  WTF???  Why would he talk on the phone with me, work out what he could afford, have me send an invoice for just those items, and then tell me it's extortion?? He's freaking nuts!!! 

I have learned a little bit during this last week.  I send copies of everything I send him to his lawyer.  I also include Tom's responses.  Let his lawyer see how insane he really is...

He's talked the girls into not going to gymnastics practice. Again.

This is the man that insists it was me that could not follow through, that didn't stick to anything, that I was the one that was messing the kids up by not making them follow through...and then he talks them out of going to gymnastics every chance he gets.  I guess any man that thinks he can give up on his marriage commitment and abandon his family for a bottle of scotch would think that a gymnastics commitment wasn't all that important.

ARRRRGGGHHHH!!!

My 12 year old drama queen has done it again!

Once again, my 12 year old has disrupted two households with her drama.  She didn't do her homework, so her sister, dad, myself and everyone in between has to hear her scream bloody murder about how she has to have it done, how she doesn't have the instructions, and how it isn't her fault that she didn't do it.

Somehow these evenings often correspond with immature and harassing text messages from her father to me.  I wonder if that is a coincident, or not?

Anyway...now I'm sitting here waiting for someone to call me back.  I've been hung up on twice...once by the 12 year old, the other time I'm not sure who hung up.  My poor 10 year old is in the middle of this insanity and I just want to fly in, scoop them both up and bring them here were they can be themselves without the guilt and chaos that is their life there.


*sigh*

Ok, got a call back.  Apparently the 12 year old got so worked up she vomited all over her bed.   She called me back saying she couldn't get up because she was dizzy and he was in the living room not doing anything about it.  (He did eventually wander in to change the sheets, for the record.  Or at least he said he was doing that.  There was a lot of him yelling about gross things on their floor and how they were horrible slobs, etc. so he might not have actually done it.  I don't know for sure.)

Anyway, I just finished reading to them, and everyone is asleep.  I have a headache and I'm going to go find some food...

His neglect of the animals

is killing my kids.  Today the parrotlet died.  This is the bird my 12 year old got for her birthday last year. It's basically a parrot in minature, lives for a LONG time and is very hearty (unlike parakeets).  He wouldn't buy food for it for at least a week, closer to two weeks.  I heard the girls asking him to buy it.  I told the girls to go ask their grandmother to buy it if he was going to refuse.  I think they eventually got him food, but you can't starve a freaking animal for any length of time and expect good things!

So far in the last year, his count on starving animals is:

8+ baby bunnies
5 adult bunnies
1 parrotlet

Possible starvation/probable heat stroke:

1 cat

Disappearances/possible heat stroke:

12+ chickens



The police were called about his letting the chickens into the cemetery next door and all the damage they were doing.  Then he locked all of them into an 8x6 shed/coop attached to an 8x6 yard.  20 chickens!!  Can you imagine the health problems attached to that?

He refuses to feed/water/care for any animal when the girls are gone.  He actually lost a Betta when the girls were gone one week.  LOST A FISH!! IN THE TANK!!  We were here frantically searching for pictures of this fish in my photo album so he could go replace it with an exact duplicate.

GRRRRRRRR!!!!

I have to go work on one of my sites, I just had to get that out of my system before something vital in my cranium burst.  I'll be here working until one of the girls calls me in distress again.

=((

It's been a long, strange trip, my friends...but I'm back!

This blog was started in 2006 to give me an outlet for expressing my absolute misery in a way that would allow me to get it all out while not getting me in trouble with my husband and family. 

I stopped blogging in June 2008.  I'm not sure why I stopped.  I wish I hadn't so I could have documented the complete insanity that continued after that.

It's now 2011, I'm in the middle of a divorce, moved across the country to get away from my husband and the rest of the family (that seems to have forgotten he's a violent and unstable person), had the husband agree to let the girls come with me (we were going to share time with them equally) and then after he gave me just enough money to get here from the tax return, he let me get to California, got a lawyer and then said he was keeping the girls. 

I have a plan and you are welcome to hang out and watch to see if the plan will work the way I hope it will, or if I will have to walk back to Florida and fight with nothing to get two of the three most important parts of my life back in a safe environment.

At this point I'm starting up with the blog to keep documenting the crap he's doing to my kids, that he's allowed to do to my kids because HE has an income and a lawyer.  The kids are miserable, there is absolute chaos there every day.  I get multiple phone calls from crying kids every day.  They are getting violent, injuring each other and screaming and crying all day long.  He's put them in school because he says he can't watch them and work.  Well, if he hadn't lied and kept them there when they were supposed to be with me, that would never have been a problem.  Of course, he told everyone I abandoned them, and I found out real quick who my friends were.  I'll get in to details later, though. 

Thanks for stopping by, I appreciate you taking the time to join me in this adventure called life. 

Peace!

:-)

I’ve officially joined a forum of people married to or living with alcohol dependent people…

…so I can vent somewhere new.  LOL  And does that mean things will get better here?  Hell no.

It simply means that I need some sort of clue about what my next move is.  How I handle this with the kids.  How I get him to leave the house and if he doesn’t being prepared to gather my kids and go.  I have places to go.  I have people willing to help me.

Why am I still here then?

That is the million dollar question.

I have no idea what the answer is.

We are back with…

One blue ribbon, 6 red ribbons, 1 white and 1 green (we won’t be discussing that green one…ooookay?  LOL)

After laying in bed thinking about everything I need to do, and listening to the drunk one snore in his peaceful sleep…I got up at 4 feeling like I’d never gone to bed.  I sort of hadn’t.  I think I took a few cat naps.  I got up, got ready, made breakfast, woke girls up and we were on our way.

We were the first ones there, which is like…a miracle!  We are always late.  It was pretty cool.

The girls competed, survived despite their fears, and got awards and t-shirts and had the biggest smiles EVER on their faces as they were called in front of the whole gym to be presented with their ribbons.

We stuck around for Level 3 girls to compete and then we all went to lunch.

We also drove the girls around the town, which is where I lived at one time.  There are lots of cool things in Lakeland, despite it’s many somewhat run-down areas.  We went looking for the swans on Lake Morton and saw quite a few.   We showed them 2 places I used to live and where I used to work, well..the lot I used to work in, the building has been demolished and rebuilt as something else.

Now, I’m more exhausted than I’ve ever been in my life and think I might just go eat dinner and pass out.
See you all later!!

We survived the storms :)

And I have to get up in like…3 hours to drive to the gymnastics meet.  But I can’t sleep.

I’m furious.

I can’t even say I’m mad at anyone else now.  I’m furious with myself.  How did I let things get so incredibly fucked up here?  I feel like I’m living in a fog.  Or I’m a zombie that sort of knows what it’s supposed to do and just keeps going through the motions.

Enough already!!!

As much as I can’t stand the idea of doing it, I’m really considering going to an Al-Anon meeting (I’m not sure the difference in their beliefs and mine will not be too distracting at this point).  I might be going for the wrong reasons though.  I keep feeling like I have to prove that I did all I could.  That I went through all the right steps.  But, as my friends have pointed out, I didn’t freaking do anything wrong!  I didn’t break the relationship up by alienating my family!  I didn’t CHOOSE to drink over having a healthy relationship.  IT’S NOT MY FREAKING FAULT!!!  And I’m not going to change anything he does by going to counseling and Al-Anon or even by begging him. It’s beyond my abilities to make any changes to his behavior.

I’ve been researching all night, and when I get back, just as a “first shot over the bow” kind of thing…I’m printing up a bunch of resources for alcoholics, from local therapists to online support groups, and giving it to him.  THEN I will give him a few weeks while I work on my escape plan.  I don’t want an escape plan.  I don’t think the girls and I should have to give up our home and everything we have here because HE has a problem, but if that is how it has to be, then fine.  We’ll get the hell out.

In three weeks, I’ll see what he’s done to make a change.  And fuck all that sneaking shit.  I’m gonna go through his fucking office and leave notes on his “stash” bottles.  He’s so fucking clueless because this shit has rotted his brains.  He thinks I can’t tell.  He’s only kidding himself.  He’s so obvious that it’s not funny.

If he’s made no effort or not enough of an effort, we are out of here.

30 days after that, if he’s still not made an effort, I’m filing for divorce.  I have a lawyer already.  And he’s free.  I just have to pay the court and filing fees.  I have a place or two to go while this is all going on.

I have no more excuses.

But I just wish things could just be good.  I wish things could be normal.  I wish my kids weren’t so upset that they were sick all the time.  I wish I weren’t so angry all the time.

I wish…yeah, that will get me real far.

Time to stand up and be an adult.  Time to do what is right, no matter how painful.  I’m going to stop allowing this shit to go on around my family.  If he wants to do it, he can do it when he’s all alone.

ok, going to bed now.

See you all after the competition and drive home…

have a great day!!!

:)

The weather here sucks today

it’s cold, wet and windy.  I guess cold is relative though, since I noticed on Meg’s blog that it’s hot here.  And yes, Meg, for some reason every person I know over 65 keeps that damned Air Conditioning off no matter how hot it is outside.  I think that kids and old folks have something wrong with their thermostats.  Kids never think it’s too hot or cold and old folks always think it’s cold, even when it’s 90 degrees.

As for actual, real, provable heat, I can deal with the that.  In fact, I like heat.  However, I hate the humidity.  Everything I touched was wet this morning.  The floor was just gross (ceramic tile and moisture do not mix well - the dog slid out of the house when she tried to run to the back door.)  My office chair was even damp and I had to jump up and grab a towel to sit on.  I’m sure it’s not helping my computer by being damp.

The worst part of the weather is the allergies.  My head is just ready to blow up.  My daughter is also feeling the pain.  Things never stop blooming here, it’s a nightmare!  When I was stuck “Up North” (that’s the proper term, isn’t it?) I never had allergy problems, or if I did they were barely noticeable.  After living all over the country and all of a sudden having my system assaulted by things that never bothered it before, I began to wonder…why now?  Mom says that she also started this type of reaction at about my age when we lived in Kansas City and it was just as bad.  So maybe it’s an age thing?
Speaking of age and heredity, I also seem to be following mom on the hormone path as well.  I have been noticing when I ovulate for the last year or so.  I mean, there are cramps and major ickyness and I am just tired as can be.  I never ever noticed ovulation before.  My period is, however, not that big of a deal.  Ok, maybe the week before I’m just a touch bitchy.     But it’s much less of a hassle than others I have heard discuss it.

I have to get some work done this morning and I’m just too tired to do it but i thought I’d get work done while the girls have been given a day off from school (by me) to prepare for tomorrow’s gymnastics meet.  The oldest is nervous as hell.  I don’t know what to do to make her feel better.  I tried explaining that she was not the only one who fell off the bars at the last meet, and that it was actually quite common, but she doesn’t want to hear it.  She’s going, I won’t let her out of it just because she’s nervous or scared. She always enjoys herself once we get there so we just have to listen to her whine all the way there (over an hour in the car starting at 5am - this is gonna be fun )  We have a new saying when discussing this stuff lately and I’m trying to get her to keep it in her head…”Remember, being BRAVE means you are scared but do it anyway”

I have a few things I say all the time, but I never really think they are listening…you know how it is with kids.  Anyway, when my husband says, “That’s impossible!”  in response to being asked for something…both of them yell, “Nothing’s Impossible!!” from wherever they are in the house.   I have been telling them that for their whole life.  Now I know that’s not quite accurate but if my girls can start life off with that attitude, then I see no harm in it.  And yes, we’ve discussed how sometimes the probability of an event occurring is incredibly unlikely, but they usually ask something like, “how we can say anything is impossible if we can’t prove it…sometimes there might be a way to make something possible that no one has ever tried before…so you always have to try.  You never know when you might see the right way to make it happen.”

My kids are soooo cool!! LOL

Now I’m really going to work…talk to you all later!!

:)

Accidents and business

they have nothing to do with each other, I just thought I’d talk about both though.

Friday, hubby got hit by another car while sitting still in traffic.  Our poor truck is mooshed in the back, but he’s alright and that is really what matters, right?  The phone calls and interrogation by the insurance company has been quite exhausting though.  I bought our insurance (we’d been illegal due to lack of money to pay for the crap) about an hour before he got hit.  Good thing he hit hubby and not the other way around.  It seems that esurance says you are covered from the minute you buy it BUT they won’t pay a claim that occurs within 12 days of purchasing it.  Nice, huh?  What exactly is the point of that crap?  You are covered but we aren’t going to cover you.  I’m not impressed.  We don’t need them right now, but now that I know that…well, my attitude is not a good one.  I’ll be rethinking this all around renewal time.  The kid that hit him is 6 months older than my son.  He’s 19 and this is not his first accident.  He was looking pretty depressed by the time I got there to view the damage.  But, like I said…no one got hurt and that is what counts.  Maybe he’ll learn to drive safer and keep from killing someone in the future.

Business is getting good and now I’m afraid I have no idea how to keep it under control.  I’ve hired two people to help me with stuff and I’m going to be looking for some design students to take on more jobs.  Now I gotta make more money so I can pay my employees AND myself.


Ok, going to get back to work.  See you all later!!

I’m gonna quit telling you I’ll be back…

…because when I do, I don’t make it back for weeks!

Just to give you an indication of how busy I am, I bought the book “How did I get so busy?” which is supposed to try to help you figure out why you keep overloading yourself with crap to do…and I haven’t had time to read anything but the first chapter.  I think I’m gonna have to force this one, take an hour every other day or so.  Otherwise, it isn’t going to get read.  And I think I really need it!

On the personal level:  shit is the same.  Surprised?  I’m not.  All I can say is i have a plan.  I’m working on the plan.  the plan is working.  Not sure there is much more to it right now.

I did have a thought earlier (as I was dragging the garbage cans back in the house while still clad in my Eeyore pajamas)…you have to wonder how much a person cares for you when they leave the house and have to almost drive over the cans to get out and don’t bother bringing them back up to the garage.  Well, actually, I’m talking about someone who used to do it and now just doesn’t give a fuck about anything.  It used to be something that “just had to be done” so he did it.  Now it’s like he’s driving through the lawn to leave them for me to go get.  He also used to be the one that took out the garbage, like he’d race me to get it.  Now?  I think I take it out 75% of the time.   AND bringing the cans up is not a huge deal to me normally, but where we live is the main road of our neighborhood so it’s busy AND we get fined for having cans out past a certain time in the morning.  So I have to panic and race out in my jammies to grab stinky cans and drag them up to the garage before the trash can police get me.  He walks past them and up to the garage to get in his truck when he leaves in the morning.  How hard is it to stick out your hand and grab the cans?

That was just one more thing I noticed today.  The foundation is crumbling…I’m just reporting what I notice as I notice it.

ok, so I’m alive, I’m not stressed, I’m going to read my book and make some progress and I’m going to go to bed at a human hour (as opposed to a nocturnal animal hour) and get some rest.

Did I mention that I have PMS?  I’m especially bitchy today so that might be why I thought of the trash can thing this morning as i was running them in so no one would see me in my jammies (it didn’t work, btw, neighbors all waved and smiled like I’m a loon, and maybe I am, who knows?? LOL )

Ok, going to read.  See you all later!!

:)

I’m worried about me too Karin :)

it’s been ages since I’ve had time to blog.  I might need a vacation so I can just sit here and blog for hours and hours.  LOL

As usual, I’m working my ass off, making lots of money and it’s all just going to fill in that big hole that someone dug in our financial situation.  I’m hoping that one day I’ll start to see the top of the pile that I’m tossing in there.  In fact I’m very excited about seeing the top of the pile.  I wanna see the top of the pile, take a big bundle of cash off of it, and go buy food and clothes for my mom and family and friends who have been nice enough to bring me stuff when they knew we needed it.

Things are moving up in the world.  I’m going to visit my best friend since 5th grade on Friday.  She’s coming into town for a veterinary conference.  That will be lots of fun.  I should take my geriatric dog who has recently begun to fall apart and see if they need “guinea pig” for things that will make her a happier dog.  She’s starting to get some odd things on her…it’s a bit disturbing.  On the priority scale, she’s like fifth in line for a doctor.  She’ll be ok, I’m tending to most of it myself.  Mostly skin stuff that is easily remedied with some attention and some tar shampoo. 

Hubby is definitely not compatible with me.  It’s just the way it is.  And I was dealing with the whole situation really well after some vigorous yoga sessions but it’s been 3 weeks and I’m starting to slip back into being mad at him for the entire time he’s in the house.  That could have a little bit to do with him going and buying scotch after having not had any in months (or so he says).  What the hell does he need that shit for if he went that far without it?  What a waste.  He’s also gotten in trouble at work for doing things that are blatantly against the rules and gets pissed at the people who discovered it when he gets caught.  It’s amazing…if you listen to him, the whole world is out to screw him over.

Oh well.  Things are pretty much still the same as usual relationship-wise.  The relationship is dead, it just hasn’t laid down and stopped breathing yet.

*sigh*

…gotta get back to work now.  See you all later! 

Unstable men

I know that my friends and my mom worry about me and the girls here, and lately I’m starting to wonder just HOW unstable the ole hubby really is.  Nothing has happened here, but there has been a new reason for me to take yet another look at the possibilities.

This morning we woke up and I drank my coffee while he read some news article that he was browsing through.  It seems a man in the area killed his ex wife, their two children and the ex wife’s live in girlfriend/lover.  I think hubby’s comments were mostly aimed at the concept that some guy went nuts after his wife left him for a woman.  That was the end of it.  I was immediately aware that this was a good opportunity to bring up how absolutely sad that was that some person thought they had the right to take another persons life, and no matter what she had done, it did not warrant a death sentence for her, her kids and the lover (who had a 4 yr old as well, btw). Just so he knew my point on the matter in case he was considering such a thing.    That was the end of discussing it.  Or so I thought.

A few hours after he left for work, my friend calls me.  She’s in shock. She’s freaked.  She’s whispering.  I’m like, “What happened????”

Her, “Did you read the paper today?”

Me, “No”

Her, “Oh my God!! I’m in shock, I can’t believe it!  I opened it up and the front page says 5 Die in Family Murder/Suicide” and I see the names and Oh my God!! I know them!  WE know them!  etc, etc….”

Turns out we do know them. She better than I, but we do.  After a conversation shortened by children barging in (children who knew them too and who seemed to have radar and knew we didn’t want them within earshot to even hear the slightest bit of this), she gets upset and tells me that she’s worried my hubby is going to do the same.

Now, I have already admitted this is not a foreign idea…and that I’m fairy sure he’s not entirely emotionally stable…but how do you determine whether someone is “murder/suicide unstable” or just “I’m so stressed I’ll revert to being like my chauvinistic drunken asshole father and make up conversations we never even had unstable”?? And is there much difference?  AND if I get paranoid and leave will it make him going from not dangerous unstable to dangerous unstable?

I have to say my gut says I should be very cautious but I don’t feel him doing anything like that.  I think cautious here is more about me getting my ducks in a row before I spring anything like divorce papers on him cause that is going to make him just a little more unstable.  But I see him downing a few bottles of scotch, spending the rest of his life bitching about what a miserable horrid bitch I am to his parents or anyone who will listen.

And, going back to the guy who did kill his kids and ex wife…HE was SO not someone you’d ever think was capable of that.  Oh my God!! He LOVED, no..he ADORED, WORSHIPPED his kids.  He was so happy, loving, open minded, it’s just fucking a shock to believe that this man did this.  You never would have known!  I guess he snapped after the whole divorce and his wife leaving for a woman, but…if he can snap, then anyone in the world could!

How do you know?

Being pissed isn’t helping my productivity

So I’ve decided to drop the emotions involved with mom’s problem with the bank and get on with my work.  I’ve become WAY overbooked today and must finish some jobs today.  I won’t be getting anywhere dragging all that around.  Have you ever noticed how heavy that crap (being mad and indignant) is?  It’s exhausting to carry around all day.

OK, I’m off to have coffee, do some planning for the day and give myself a general attitude adjustment.
See you all later on!

Have a great day,

:)

I wish I could record the thoughts in my head…

…straight to my computer.  I have these amazing, blog entry worthy thoughts but…always when I can’t write them down.  I start thinking in the shower or while driving and I clearly see why I do things.  I find the process fascinating, it’s like a series of locks, clicking to an unlocked position and each one that I go through grants me a little more clarity.

Then I get distracted and the thought it lost forever.

An example that I just remembered:  I’m driving to a party for my kids last night and I’m thinking about my “I want to be like Dolly post”.  And I’m like, “Ok, it would be great to be like Dolly but I can’t ACT like Dolly.  That’s just nuts.  How can I actually ACT like her??”  I’m not talking about talking like her or anything, I’m talking about being that outgoing and happy and just loving life so much that I make people around me enjoy life just by being in my presence.  Making people feel important and good without being a servant to them.  My mom mentioned a quote about “Dance to the song of life and people will dance with you”, that reminds me of the feeling I’m searching for.

And my “other” voice, defiant as usual…”WHY can’t I act like that??  Who the hell is in charge of this life, if not me?  And so what if the miserable bastards I’m around now think I’m nuts?  Their opinions don’t mean squat!  I don’t want to be bowing to the opinion of a miserable bastard! That’s more nuts than letting myself be someone people enjoy being around!”

Ok, so I have in-depth discussions with myself.  But for so many years…there was no other voice in my head.  There was no instinct to survive.  I was a numb lump of shit.  So if I chatting with my “other” voice in my head is what it takes to build up the nerve to be all I can be…well, I guess I’m just gonna have to do it.

I don’t want to be scared to live anymore.  I don’t want to be scared of who I really am.  I’m deathly afraid of letting myself be me.  I could get into a whole explanation right now but I have to go get some work done.  I will say that breaking the spirit of a child by scaring them into being quiet, just so that an adult can do whatever it is adults have to do…and putting them down because the adult can’t understand their need to be outgoing…can do some serious damage.  Serious.  It can cause kids to think they aren’t worth as much as that TV show you want to watch or that book you want to read.  It can also create adults who think they aren’t worth as much as everyone else.  Adults who think the world would be better off without them.  Adults who continue the cycle of abuse (yes, scaring someone into doing what you want is abusive) with their own kids because they don’t realize they are even doing it.

I’m not going to be scared to live anymore, dammit!! Even if I use my kids as an excuse why I need to change…it’s a start.   I want my kids to enjoy being them.  I never want my children to be convinced that if they were gone, the world would run a little smoother.  That one thought is enough to get me motivated I think.

Ok, going to work now…see you all later!!

:)

really quick update

ok, I have 3.5 minutes so let’s get you up to speed:

• hubby and I had a very positive chat a week or more ago (who can tell, time seems to fold over itself here)
• hubby relapsed within days and had to be told off, I mean, chatted with again.
• power was turned off in house had to go to moms (they actually get all bent out of shape when you don’t pay the bill!!)
• hubby relapsed again
• spent 3 days at moms with crabby hubby and crazy brother
• got money, paid light bill
• found out internet was being turned off
• got money, paid internet bill
• hubby relapses again and has to be told this isn’t worth it and I’m so over the bullshit that I just don’t even want to waste my energy on the relationship anymore
• ten minutes later hubby is talking to me like nothing happened and wants to know if we can be friends again.  I’m not sure I responded to that but he seems to think we are friends again.

This is a basic rundown of events but you get the idea…shit here is not fun, I’m worn out…and yet I’m still optimistic.  I refuse to give up.  I just keep going down the wrong paths apparently
I do wish I could find the right path.

I’ll just have to keep looking.

:)

Updates from the land of chaos

Things here are the same, pretty much.  I’m building my business and working on providing enough income to support myself and the girls.  And the dog, cat and turtles.  Probably the saltwater tank since it’s been reduced to one for now.  The girls and I will most likely be at moms again in a day or so, since the power here will be getting shut off.  Never a dull day here.  I’m juggling two major clients, a handful of small ones and some big internal projects…I’m psyched and moving forward, despite dragging his dead weight.  And no matter how much I make, it’s just not enough.  The hole is too big.  And he’s basically hiding in his office watching YouTube (my 8 year old’s desciption of how dad spends his time, not mine) and bitching about how everyone else is a bunch of lazy, worthless, miserable assholes that are just trying to fuck with him.

*sigh*

Well, all we can do is keep moving forward, right?

I went and had my nails done this weekend after a marketing seminar that I went to.  I hadn’t planned on it, but my mom and the girls were there still when I got done so I met them.  They were having a girls day out (avoiding dad and the cloud of misery) and having quite a good time.   I have day-glo pink nails that you can probably see from 10 miles away.  The girls picked it out.  I love it. 
I spent so much of my life in dark or natural colors…trying to blend into the wall I think.  My Best Friend in KC once commented on how she had no idea I liked bright colors.  I was shocked!  I LOVE bright colors.  I’m gonna go on a wild bright color painting kick before they finally take the house away from us!! LOL  Anyway, I was just shocked but then I thought about it.  She was with me from 5th grade til 9th grade.  Then I moved 2000 miles away.  We’ve seen each other a dozen times since.  All she saw me in was jeans, concert t-shirts and black Members Only jackets (fake ones actually, no WAY my dad would fork over the money to buy me a REAL one).  So she knows me, but she doesn’t know me.

I think that when I started thinking about her not knowing me, and going over all the things she wasn’t aware of about me…I realized I didn’t know myself.  I liked all this stuff, wanted to be all these things…and what was I doing?  Not a fucking bit of it.  I was living someone else’s life!!  Talk about a shock!!

So now my wardrobe is mostly jeans and black pants…some khaki…and lots of bright BRIGHT pink, orange, coral, green, patchwork, rainbow…shirts.  I have one black concert t-shirt.  But it’s from a Journey concert I took my mom to at the PNC Arts Center in NJ a while back.  So, it’s not like a Deep Purple, Lynyrd Skynyrd, or Slayer black T-shirt.  It just doesn’t have the attitude.  I have some white ones too…but those are mostly horse product tshirts I got when volunteering at shelters.  Everyone wanted the dog and cat stuff, so I took all the horse stuff…worked for me.


I’ve got the itch for some bright pink Manic Panic in my hair again too…not the whole thing, but maybe just the underneath part in the back…or some tips.

My inner artist is out.  It’s loose.  It’s free!!!!  And it’s gonna paint some fucking thing soon or it’s gonna go nuts!! LOL

I have to go get some work done…I’ll try to get back in here more often.  It’s hard but I miss my blogtherapy…I think I NEED my blogtherapy.

:)

I am developing a disturbing dislike for

members of the opposite sex.  I can not believe that every man out there is insensitive, selfish, thoughtless, irresponsible, and is only motivated to be nice when he thinks he might have a chance at getting laid…BUT I’m getting close to believing.

I hope when this is all over, I can find a way to get rid of that feeling.  It really does suck to feel so negatively about people based only on the fact that they have a penis.

And yes, I see no way this relationship can be recovered.  I’ve emotionally divorced him at this point and it’s the only thing that has made life bearable.  Being pissed off all the time was just exhausting.  Now, I just don’t care.  I’ve had 2 WTF moments with him in the last week and they were honestly the final straw.  I might get into it around PMS time if I feel the need to vent but right now let’s just say I’ve seen where I stand in his list of priorities.

And I’m not amused by what I saw.

I pretty much rank after the advertisement papers in the Sunday newspaper.  I do hope he’ll be happy when those are the only thing he has to speak to in the future.

Ok, I’m taking my crabby ass to bed.

nite all!

:)

It’s not so bad

sorry Solaris, I’m not gonna freak you out tonight.


As of today, either his will to survive has kicked in or he’s just manipulating me into thinking he’s attempting to make a change. I suggested that maybe he needs a new job since 1. they aren’t paying him nearly what was promised 2. the stress level is way beyond what was implied and 3. he’s miserable as hell. I think that when you try to go against what you were meant to do, you can NOT be happy and you can NOT succeed. (and he’s taken not succeeding to a whole new level recently.) Just like we can’t be happy in a relationship where we are not allowed to be ourselves, we can not do a job that deprives us of our natural character. He’s always done things that make him miserable. He grew up thinking you were supposed to be miserable. His parents reek of misery. They have money (their goal in life)…but all their kids are emotionally fucked up and no one likes them much. I’d rather have my loving family and my money problems, thanks. Well, I’m not so sure my husband likes me much right now, but I have 3 kids that do, 1 mom and 100 very close relatives that would be willing to give me the time of day…so I consider myself pretty well off.

Back to the job issue. I politely suggested (reality: I IM’d his ass with links and an attitude) that he check some sites my mom found with scuba diving jobs. I did also mention that if he did not make some sort of change in a positive direction that he’d be spending 16 hours a day being depressed and watching nothing but youtube videos from his parents house instead of his office here. Within an hour there was someone calling about a job interview. Obviously I hit some nerve.

Later that day, he had dragged out a box of sea treasures out to show the kids. We have things from the Atocha, the USS San Diego and a few other wrecks that he was explaining to the girls for quite a long time.

Please let this be the right path for him! When we met he was in pre-med classes at a fairly high level school in NJ and switched towards a degree in Marine Biology because that was what really interested him. He had also just bought his father’s restaurant so the college courses came to an abrupt halt shortly after that. But he loves this stuff. I can’t even count how many salt water tanks we have in our home. Really. They are everywhere. I even had plans made up to move our small galley kitchen and make the area it is in now into a fish tank. Sort of a huge room divider 1000 gallon fish tank. (Yes, I was serious about that.) We have created our own reefs, he propagates corals, we hatch shark eggs…our house is a living science class. HE LOVES THIS STUFF! I like it too. But I don’t want to do it for a living. Or at least I never considered it. I was going to school to become a veterinarian so, really, it’s not all that far off from my original plans for life. I had planned on fixing horses instead of sea horses though.

Speaking of careers, I’ve been getting comments lately that are making me stop and realize…(please don’t take this the wrong way)…I’m damned good at what I do. It’s people that are hiring me saying so. Then they send me uncomfortably large sums of money…uncomfortable for me since i still have the mindset that what I do is easy so I shouldn’t charge much for it. I’ve only just begun to change my mind about money…I think certain words like “foreclosure” and “repossession” help change your ideas about money real quick. LOL Anyway, I realized I’m good at what I do. I don’t ever dread working. I ‘could’ be earning enough money to pay all the bills if I’d quit trying to shortchange myself.
If hubby could be as happy at his work as I am at mine…I think we could accomplish so much more.
I could also be just fine living in a little bungalow in the Keys as long as I have high speed internet and access to horses within an hour drive or boat ride.

Ok, gotta get some stuff done. I just wanted to let you know I’ve not totally pulled the plug but was feeling some serious frustration the other day.

Talk to you all later!!
:)