From the outside looking in, it’s like watching a tennis match…

or maybe it’s like watching someone else on a rollercoaster.  But I think since I’ve detached myself a bit and taken a step back…I’ve confirmed that it truly is not me that is crazy.  He’s completely…I don’t even know what it is.  Ungrounded?  Unfocused?  Unstable?  He’s un-something.  Whatever it is…he can have it.  What an exhausted way to exist.  I really don’t know how I managed to stay caught up in that for 13 years without coming completely unraveled.

ok, big gap there…the drunken fool came home.  *sigh*

My best friend called the other day (we’ve been friends since 5th grade, and whether we get along at the time or not - it’s such a sister like relationship - she will be my “best friend” til my dying day) and enlightened me to a few things.  One, that I was totally an idiot for kissing his ass these last 13 years.  And Two, that I wasn’t hiding my pathetic behaviour from her very well.  Shock to me.  Really, I wasn’t trying to hide me being a big giant weenie that spent all day trying to please the unpleasable drunken fool, but I must have been ashamed at some level so I played up how great life was when we spoke on the phone.  I would brag about how great of a house we had, the stuff we did, blah, blah, blah…and she would get pissed cause I was just screaming out for an intervention but she was 1800 miles away and not in a position to do anything about my pathetic lifestyle.  And, she knows how hardheaded I am.  I would never had listened to a word she said anyway.  Got to learn it all the hard way.  Yup, that’s me. 


And now, I have got to get back to work.  I’m designing like crazy and loving every minute of it.

:)