um…sometimes I think I might just go stark raving mad one of these days. I feel like I’m split in two sometimes. And every once in a while the one part will look at the other part and ask, “When are you gonna get some freaking nerve, woman??”
I know he’s not gonna remember this tomorrow but the conversations (if you count me talking and him trying to take me on a guilt trip a conversation) are consistently veering off into the “why are we even together” area.
The lack of communication is fucking killing me. I talk, he gives up. The very second that the conversation isn’t feeding his need to be a martyr, he says, “I just don’t understand” and changes the subject or fucking walks off.
Tonight was him telling me how I never listen to him and we don’t respect his wishes. So I asked when he was gonna stop talking to me in his head and discuss these things out loud with me. Ok, I was a bitch. But who fucking wouldn’t be after 13 years of someone having their own bloody conversations in their head and thinking that at some point this imaginary conversation actually took place? And then he has the fucking balls to be upset because I didn’t do what he wanted me to do! He has not spoken to me about anything except (and don’t even ask why I fucking bother with this one) that most nights I’ll sit with him for a short while and listen to him tell me the very same thing he told me the night before. His favorite subjects are the scumbags he works with, how the girls need more discipline and how I decided to homeschool without his approval. Every. Fucking. Night.
There was a big gap there, my oldest girl came in with a sore throat. Now I’m just plain exhausted. I’ll see if I can pick up where I left off sometime in the morning.
nite all
:)
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