Now that we are officially divorced, I think he's finally grasping the concept that he has NO control over my world.
Let me back up a little, to explain how I came to that realization.
Before the school year began last year, he needed at least one utility in his name so he could register the girls. All our bills were in my name because he'd destroyed his own credit so bad, there was no hope of getting accounts in his name. So I called Progress Energy, who said they could not do that, he'd have to get his own account. Ok, next! I called Verizon, who said "No problem". I gave them his name, and supposedly they changed it. He registered the girls so I thought it all worked out.
Fast forward to a couple of weeks ago. He said Verizon was still in my name and needed to be changed. Huh? Ok...I'd try again when I get a minute. Then I got a call from Progress Energy thanking me for opening a new account. Double HUH? Apparently he opened his own account but it's still linked to my name and my phone. He said he fixed it, but we'll see.
So today I get this incoherent ranting about the Verizon account and how I screwed everything up and I never did anything I was supposed and blah blah blah. How he's the only one who considers our daughters, he's the only one who does what he's supposed to, he's the only one being responsible.
He's delusional.
This man has never done anything that wasn't going to benefit him in some way. What does he get out of being responsible for the girls? Everyone sees him doing it and thinks he's SuperDad. What if everyone heard how he was talking to my daughters the other night when he didn't know I was on Skype with them? God, I wish I had a recording device, that shit would be ALL over Facebook, Twitter, everywhere I could broadcast it. No one should speak to another human like that, and especially not your child! What if everyone could see his drunk, snoring, disgusting body laying in the middle of the living room floor where he's passed out, and his kids have to step over him to get anywhere in the house?
Yes, he's delusional. He can pretend to be whatever he wants to be...but my kids know the truth. And really, that's the only people on earth that matter.
Oh, and while I'm already ranting, he's also under the impression I'm some completely incompetent moron. If I'm incompetent, why is his world falling apart now that I'm gone? Who the hell was holding it all together for the last 17 years?? What a freaking train wreck!
He's also now asking me about my car, he wants to see my repair records and verification that it's safe to operate. Does he really want to go that route? I think not. His car is a nightmare, and the house he lives in? It's disgusting, too small for 3 people and falling apart.
So, as we go along and the girls and I enjoy life and build a future and learn and explore and LIVE....I have a feeling he's going to spiral out of control and who knows where this will land? My ex-friend (who supplied lots of lies to support my ex's attacks on me after I left him) used to be convinced he'd kill me and the girls when he finally lost control. I guess I'll just have to be vigilant and see what happens.
Showing posts with label girls. Show all posts
Showing posts with label girls. Show all posts
Tuesday, July 17, 2012
Tuesday, December 13, 2011
The small things don't matter
As the tornado of emotion dissipates, you find yourself sitting on the outside watching those that thrive on chaos and feed off of others despair...and wondering why you let these vampires suck the life out of you for so long. They throw out tendrils barbed with triggers they know will engage you...but only so long as you accept those triggers. Eventually, you have to decide: Shit? Or get off the pot?
The truth that I imagine I knew all along has come out about not only Tom but others, and I realize that they require misery and dysfunction in their world. That is a sad way to live.
So, while my life might not be perfect and it's far from successful, I know that the path I'm on is the right one for me at the moment. It's the path I need to take to give my daughters what they will need in the future. My kids all know that they are my reason for living, and that I'm doing everything I can to fix the mistakes I've made in the past. No one else matters.
The truth that I imagine I knew all along has come out about not only Tom but others, and I realize that they require misery and dysfunction in their world. That is a sad way to live.
So, while my life might not be perfect and it's far from successful, I know that the path I'm on is the right one for me at the moment. It's the path I need to take to give my daughters what they will need in the future. My kids all know that they are my reason for living, and that I'm doing everything I can to fix the mistakes I've made in the past. No one else matters.
Saturday, November 12, 2011
Emotional and financial abuse
I've been following a Facebook page that discusses emotional and financial abuse. I really never thought of things like eliminating my access to the bank account or making our financial problems my fault after keeping me from working were considered abuse. But it does make sense. It's a way of control. It's a way to make you feel like you have no way of making a change or making a difference in what is happening to you.
I made the move to California to get away from his control. My mom is pissed at me because she said I didn't listen to her and do it the right way. First of all, she never told me much more than just be careful. What does that mean? I was freaking DYING! Tom had sucked every ounce of my will to exist out of my soul. If it weren't for my kids I'd have just gone to bed one day and never woken up. My soul was that empty. I was in so much pain and then sometime in the last few years I just became numb. Circumstances brought me to where I met the people I know in California and I swear it was by divine intervention that I was led here.
I have faith that I'm on the right path and I have faith that this will work out for the girls. The girls are my motivation for all I do. They are my soul. They kept me alive and made life worth waking up for each day, even with his extreme negativity and the threat of violent outburst at anything I did throughout the day. They are my angels.
It really hurts that my mother and ex-friends all believe that I would abandon my kids to come to California. They think I left them for a man. How can someone who says they are my friend and especially MY MOTHER, who should know me better, tell people that? How can they spread that lie that only is true in their mind, because it's not at all what happened? Those girls are my life, and no one comes before them. I came to California to build a different life for them where they can be free to be themselves, where no one else will make them feel guilty because of their feelings. Yes, I was stupid to believe that Tom would every hold up his end of the bargain...he hasn't told the truth or held up his end of an agreement since I met him so I can't even tell you why I believed that he would let the girls come out as soon as I got myself settled here. I just wanted to believe that he could be decent. I wanted to believe so bad that life was going to get bettter. I wanted to believe that he cared enough about the girls to not keep them away from me. He never wanted anything to do with us when I was there, before I left him. Then he only wanted to call from around the corner and show up whenever he wanted to. HE USED TO FREAKING CRAWL IN THE WINDOW OF OUR HOUSE WHEN THE GIRLS AND I WERE SLEEPING!!!!! Can you say "STALKER???" He's scary and his way of rationalizing things is warped beyond a level of being able to deal with him.
This past week he threatened to turn off my phone because I shut off his websites for not paying his hosting bill. The judge said he needed to pay my cell phone, he didn't say I had to support Tom's insurance business websites. I sent him invoices that he conveniently says he didn't receive. That's not my problem, just like him decreasing my insurance coverage and then cancelling it wasn't his problem.
I think the worst part of this, after the fact that I'm not with my girls, is that he and my mother and everyone in their little circle is convinced they are right and I'm wrong. They think I'm wrong for trying to get my kids away from an abusive person and at least let them live part of the year in an emotionally safe environment, where they can learn to distinguish between healthy and non-healthy relationship. So...then they support the abuse and want it to continue. That's just sick.
Seeing my mother like this has brought back some memories as a kid...memories that are filling in blanks. My mom has always told me how my dad made our house unbearable...but he was never really there. She was. So if she was the one there, then she made the house unbearable. Right? And if my dad was so bad, then she was the one who should have fixed the problem. She should have gotten us out of there. So she made my life hell when I was a kid and now she's helping to make my kids lives hell.
On the almost bright side, I've started to develop a relationship with my dad, so I guess I'm not a total orphan...although at this point, I'm so numb when it comes to these people who were supposed to love you and protect you and do anything for you...I just don't think I care much any more.
I made the move to California to get away from his control. My mom is pissed at me because she said I didn't listen to her and do it the right way. First of all, she never told me much more than just be careful. What does that mean? I was freaking DYING! Tom had sucked every ounce of my will to exist out of my soul. If it weren't for my kids I'd have just gone to bed one day and never woken up. My soul was that empty. I was in so much pain and then sometime in the last few years I just became numb. Circumstances brought me to where I met the people I know in California and I swear it was by divine intervention that I was led here.
I have faith that I'm on the right path and I have faith that this will work out for the girls. The girls are my motivation for all I do. They are my soul. They kept me alive and made life worth waking up for each day, even with his extreme negativity and the threat of violent outburst at anything I did throughout the day. They are my angels.
It really hurts that my mother and ex-friends all believe that I would abandon my kids to come to California. They think I left them for a man. How can someone who says they are my friend and especially MY MOTHER, who should know me better, tell people that? How can they spread that lie that only is true in their mind, because it's not at all what happened? Those girls are my life, and no one comes before them. I came to California to build a different life for them where they can be free to be themselves, where no one else will make them feel guilty because of their feelings. Yes, I was stupid to believe that Tom would every hold up his end of the bargain...he hasn't told the truth or held up his end of an agreement since I met him so I can't even tell you why I believed that he would let the girls come out as soon as I got myself settled here. I just wanted to believe that he could be decent. I wanted to believe so bad that life was going to get bettter. I wanted to believe that he cared enough about the girls to not keep them away from me. He never wanted anything to do with us when I was there, before I left him. Then he only wanted to call from around the corner and show up whenever he wanted to. HE USED TO FREAKING CRAWL IN THE WINDOW OF OUR HOUSE WHEN THE GIRLS AND I WERE SLEEPING!!!!! Can you say "STALKER???" He's scary and his way of rationalizing things is warped beyond a level of being able to deal with him.
This past week he threatened to turn off my phone because I shut off his websites for not paying his hosting bill. The judge said he needed to pay my cell phone, he didn't say I had to support Tom's insurance business websites. I sent him invoices that he conveniently says he didn't receive. That's not my problem, just like him decreasing my insurance coverage and then cancelling it wasn't his problem.
I think the worst part of this, after the fact that I'm not with my girls, is that he and my mother and everyone in their little circle is convinced they are right and I'm wrong. They think I'm wrong for trying to get my kids away from an abusive person and at least let them live part of the year in an emotionally safe environment, where they can learn to distinguish between healthy and non-healthy relationship. So...then they support the abuse and want it to continue. That's just sick.
Seeing my mother like this has brought back some memories as a kid...memories that are filling in blanks. My mom has always told me how my dad made our house unbearable...but he was never really there. She was. So if she was the one there, then she made the house unbearable. Right? And if my dad was so bad, then she was the one who should have fixed the problem. She should have gotten us out of there. So she made my life hell when I was a kid and now she's helping to make my kids lives hell.
On the almost bright side, I've started to develop a relationship with my dad, so I guess I'm not a total orphan...although at this point, I'm so numb when it comes to these people who were supposed to love you and protect you and do anything for you...I just don't think I care much any more.
Monday, October 24, 2011
He's talked the girls into not going to gymnastics practice. Again.
This is the man that insists it was me that could not follow through, that didn't stick to anything, that I was the one that was messing the kids up by not making them follow through...and then he talks them out of going to gymnastics every chance he gets. I guess any man that thinks he can give up on his marriage commitment and abandon his family for a bottle of scotch would think that a gymnastics commitment wasn't all that important.
ARRRRGGGHHHH!!!
ARRRRGGGHHHH!!!
Sunday, October 23, 2011
My 12 year old drama queen has done it again!
Once again, my 12 year old has disrupted two households with her drama. She didn't do her homework, so her sister, dad, myself and everyone in between has to hear her scream bloody murder about how she has to have it done, how she doesn't have the instructions, and how it isn't her fault that she didn't do it.
Somehow these evenings often correspond with immature and harassing text messages from her father to me. I wonder if that is a coincident, or not?
Anyway...now I'm sitting here waiting for someone to call me back. I've been hung up on twice...once by the 12 year old, the other time I'm not sure who hung up. My poor 10 year old is in the middle of this insanity and I just want to fly in, scoop them both up and bring them here were they can be themselves without the guilt and chaos that is their life there.
*sigh*
Ok, got a call back. Apparently the 12 year old got so worked up she vomited all over her bed. She called me back saying she couldn't get up because she was dizzy and he was in the living room not doing anything about it. (He did eventually wander in to change the sheets, for the record. Or at least he said he was doing that. There was a lot of him yelling about gross things on their floor and how they were horrible slobs, etc. so he might not have actually done it. I don't know for sure.)
Anyway, I just finished reading to them, and everyone is asleep. I have a headache and I'm going to go find some food...
Somehow these evenings often correspond with immature and harassing text messages from her father to me. I wonder if that is a coincident, or not?
Anyway...now I'm sitting here waiting for someone to call me back. I've been hung up on twice...once by the 12 year old, the other time I'm not sure who hung up. My poor 10 year old is in the middle of this insanity and I just want to fly in, scoop them both up and bring them here were they can be themselves without the guilt and chaos that is their life there.
*sigh*
Ok, got a call back. Apparently the 12 year old got so worked up she vomited all over her bed. She called me back saying she couldn't get up because she was dizzy and he was in the living room not doing anything about it. (He did eventually wander in to change the sheets, for the record. Or at least he said he was doing that. There was a lot of him yelling about gross things on their floor and how they were horrible slobs, etc. so he might not have actually done it. I don't know for sure.)
Anyway, I just finished reading to them, and everyone is asleep. I have a headache and I'm going to go find some food...
Thursday, October 20, 2011
My kids didn't call back tonight...
We have a nightly ritual. I read stories to them every night still. Usually, it's stuff like Percy Jackson, Harry Potter, the Secret Garden.
I texted their dad at 10:30, which is pretty late for them, to ask if they were ready for bed yet. He said they had company and weren't ready yet.
I think they told me they didn't have school tomorrow. I'm pretty sure it was this week they got Friday off.
So...it's now 1:20 in Florida and I'm thinking they fell asleep at some point. I'm not too worried. I just miss them.
I texted their dad at 10:30, which is pretty late for them, to ask if they were ready for bed yet. He said they had company and weren't ready yet.
I think they told me they didn't have school tomorrow. I'm pretty sure it was this week they got Friday off.
So...it's now 1:20 in Florida and I'm thinking they fell asleep at some point. I'm not too worried. I just miss them.
His neglect of the animals
is killing my kids. Today the parrotlet died. This is the bird my 12 year old got for her birthday last year. It's basically a parrot in minature, lives for a LONG time and is very hearty (unlike parakeets). He wouldn't buy food for it for at least a week, closer to two weeks. I heard the girls asking him to buy it. I told the girls to go ask their grandmother to buy it if he was going to refuse. I think they eventually got him food, but you can't starve a freaking animal for any length of time and expect good things!
So far in the last year, his count on starving animals is:
8+ baby bunnies
5 adult bunnies
1 parrotlet
Possible starvation/probable heat stroke:
1 cat
Disappearances/possible heat stroke:
12+ chickens
The police were called about his letting the chickens into the cemetery next door and all the damage they were doing. Then he locked all of them into an 8x6 shed/coop attached to an 8x6 yard. 20 chickens!! Can you imagine the health problems attached to that?
He refuses to feed/water/care for any animal when the girls are gone. He actually lost a Betta when the girls were gone one week. LOST A FISH!! IN THE TANK!! We were here frantically searching for pictures of this fish in my photo album so he could go replace it with an exact duplicate.
GRRRRRRRR!!!!
I have to go work on one of my sites, I just had to get that out of my system before something vital in my cranium burst. I'll be here working until one of the girls calls me in distress again.
=((
So far in the last year, his count on starving animals is:
8+ baby bunnies
5 adult bunnies
1 parrotlet
Possible starvation/probable heat stroke:
1 cat
Disappearances/possible heat stroke:
12+ chickens
The police were called about his letting the chickens into the cemetery next door and all the damage they were doing. Then he locked all of them into an 8x6 shed/coop attached to an 8x6 yard. 20 chickens!! Can you imagine the health problems attached to that?
He refuses to feed/water/care for any animal when the girls are gone. He actually lost a Betta when the girls were gone one week. LOST A FISH!! IN THE TANK!! We were here frantically searching for pictures of this fish in my photo album so he could go replace it with an exact duplicate.
GRRRRRRRR!!!!
I have to go work on one of my sites, I just had to get that out of my system before something vital in my cranium burst. I'll be here working until one of the girls calls me in distress again.
=((
Tuesday, October 18, 2011
Why do I let him push my buttons???
OMG! He's unbelievable!! He texts me harassing texts, then I get on the phone with my 12 year old that is upset and he's in the background yelling at me OVER her and she's getting more upset, I'm getting more upset and it all just went to hell real fast. I swear my brain short circuits when there is any kind of communication with him. I say things I shouldn't. I start crying almost instantly. It's insane! I'm 3000 miles away and he's still disrupting everything in my world. Can you imagine if I were close enough for him to just stop by???? I can feel my veins closing up a the thought!!
Why does he want the girls there if he's so freaking miserable around them? Why is a war every few hours a requirement with him? He starts fights with a 12 year old! What is wrong with him?
I need to go make a TON of money so I can get a lawyer and start fighting back. You'd think I would have had some legal assistance but my mom lied to herself and her boss about why I left Florida and now they won't get involved. My mom is scared that she will lose the girls so she's helping an emotionally abusive, unstable individual damage the girls more. Seems like a good trade off, right? She gets to see her grand daughters self esteem damaged and their chances of future happiness blown apart, BUT she gets to see the girls!! Woohoo! for her. What a completely twisted way to see things. So she's helping Tom, whom she has witnessed when he was drunk and out of control, to get the girls the primary part of the year. And she's decided to lie to everyone else and tell them she tried to give me advice, which is a crock of crap. Her and Tom seem to have this affliction where they work through these situations in their heads and then forget that they never actually had a conversation with the person. So I get a lot of adamant bouts of "I tried to tell you!" from her. But the bottom line is, she never tried to help me. She's so stuck inside herself she can't even begin to help anyone else.
Honestly, her being that way help motivate me to make a drastic change (move to CA). I refuse to be like her. I REALLY refuse to let my girls be that way. I'd rather die than let them think that it's ok to be like that.
Ok, I need to go try to come up with some money. Time to start posting ads for graphic and web design on craigslist...wheeeeee!! lol
I'll be back later!
Peace!
Why does he want the girls there if he's so freaking miserable around them? Why is a war every few hours a requirement with him? He starts fights with a 12 year old! What is wrong with him?
I need to go make a TON of money so I can get a lawyer and start fighting back. You'd think I would have had some legal assistance but my mom lied to herself and her boss about why I left Florida and now they won't get involved. My mom is scared that she will lose the girls so she's helping an emotionally abusive, unstable individual damage the girls more. Seems like a good trade off, right? She gets to see her grand daughters self esteem damaged and their chances of future happiness blown apart, BUT she gets to see the girls!! Woohoo! for her. What a completely twisted way to see things. So she's helping Tom, whom she has witnessed when he was drunk and out of control, to get the girls the primary part of the year. And she's decided to lie to everyone else and tell them she tried to give me advice, which is a crock of crap. Her and Tom seem to have this affliction where they work through these situations in their heads and then forget that they never actually had a conversation with the person. So I get a lot of adamant bouts of "I tried to tell you!" from her. But the bottom line is, she never tried to help me. She's so stuck inside herself she can't even begin to help anyone else.
Honestly, her being that way help motivate me to make a drastic change (move to CA). I refuse to be like her. I REALLY refuse to let my girls be that way. I'd rather die than let them think that it's ok to be like that.
Ok, I need to go try to come up with some money. Time to start posting ads for graphic and web design on craigslist...wheeeeee!! lol
I'll be back later!
Peace!
Monday, October 17, 2011
It's been a long, strange trip, my friends...but I'm back!
This blog was started in 2006 to give me an outlet for expressing my absolute misery in a way that would allow me to get it all out while not getting me in trouble with my husband and family.
I stopped blogging in June 2008. I'm not sure why I stopped. I wish I hadn't so I could have documented the complete insanity that continued after that.
It's now 2011, I'm in the middle of a divorce, moved across the country to get away from my husband and the rest of the family (that seems to have forgotten he's a violent and unstable person), had the husband agree to let the girls come with me (we were going to share time with them equally) and then after he gave me just enough money to get here from the tax return, he let me get to California, got a lawyer and then said he was keeping the girls.
I have a plan and you are welcome to hang out and watch to see if the plan will work the way I hope it will, or if I will have to walk back to Florida and fight with nothing to get two of the three most important parts of my life back in a safe environment.
At this point I'm starting up with the blog to keep documenting the crap he's doing to my kids, that he's allowed to do to my kids because HE has an income and a lawyer. The kids are miserable, there is absolute chaos there every day. I get multiple phone calls from crying kids every day. They are getting violent, injuring each other and screaming and crying all day long. He's put them in school because he says he can't watch them and work. Well, if he hadn't lied and kept them there when they were supposed to be with me, that would never have been a problem. Of course, he told everyone I abandoned them, and I found out real quick who my friends were. I'll get in to details later, though.
Thanks for stopping by, I appreciate you taking the time to join me in this adventure called life.
Peace!
:-)
I stopped blogging in June 2008. I'm not sure why I stopped. I wish I hadn't so I could have documented the complete insanity that continued after that.
It's now 2011, I'm in the middle of a divorce, moved across the country to get away from my husband and the rest of the family (that seems to have forgotten he's a violent and unstable person), had the husband agree to let the girls come with me (we were going to share time with them equally) and then after he gave me just enough money to get here from the tax return, he let me get to California, got a lawyer and then said he was keeping the girls.
I have a plan and you are welcome to hang out and watch to see if the plan will work the way I hope it will, or if I will have to walk back to Florida and fight with nothing to get two of the three most important parts of my life back in a safe environment.
At this point I'm starting up with the blog to keep documenting the crap he's doing to my kids, that he's allowed to do to my kids because HE has an income and a lawyer. The kids are miserable, there is absolute chaos there every day. I get multiple phone calls from crying kids every day. They are getting violent, injuring each other and screaming and crying all day long. He's put them in school because he says he can't watch them and work. Well, if he hadn't lied and kept them there when they were supposed to be with me, that would never have been a problem. Of course, he told everyone I abandoned them, and I found out real quick who my friends were. I'll get in to details later, though.
Thanks for stopping by, I appreciate you taking the time to join me in this adventure called life.
Peace!
:-)
Tuesday, April 29, 2008
I’m so tired lately
My kids are acting tired and whining a lot too. I thought it was due to exhaustion from going to State for gymnastics this weekend, but now I’m wondering if we really aren’t getting sick here. I guess I’ll find out soon enough, huh?
Speaking of State…I am soooo proud of my girls!! The oldest got 2nd Place on Beam, 2nd Place on Floor, 3rd Place on Vault and 6th Place on Bars (we gotta work on that one! LOL). Her All Around for her age group was 3rd! The youngest got 1st Place on Beam, 1st Place on Floor, 2nd Place on Vault and 4th on Bars. Her All Around was either 2nd or 3rd…I kinda go soo excited I totally missed what number they said she was. Her coach has details, I’ll get them at the next practice.
They are also practicing Level 3 routines now…they are just so ecstatic! Of course, that means more practice time each week…but you know what? I don’t mind one second of driving them 40 minutes to practice when I see them accomplish something like this. They saw what practice was for this weekend.
Oh yeah, did I mention that we have officially decided to sell the house. There will be relief and sadness once it does sell…but the relief will be longer lasting, I am sure of that. We just have to get the foreclosure slowed down enough to get this thing sold. It’s going to be hard, but I gotta have faith that it will happen.
We have a few options we are working on for where to go after it sells and if it doesn’t sell. We’ll be staying in the area, but my goal is to start heading towards more open land, I need horses. Horses might not be an option in this move, but maybe the next one… we’ll see.
Some jackass is blowing his boat horn. It’s after midnight! I might have to go kill someone if he wakes up the kids.
>:(
Now I’m annoyed. I think I better get going to go work on some projects so I can get to bed sometime before the sun comes up. See you all later!
:)
Speaking of State…I am soooo proud of my girls!! The oldest got 2nd Place on Beam, 2nd Place on Floor, 3rd Place on Vault and 6th Place on Bars (we gotta work on that one! LOL). Her All Around for her age group was 3rd! The youngest got 1st Place on Beam, 1st Place on Floor, 2nd Place on Vault and 4th on Bars. Her All Around was either 2nd or 3rd…I kinda go soo excited I totally missed what number they said she was. Her coach has details, I’ll get them at the next practice.
They are also practicing Level 3 routines now…they are just so ecstatic! Of course, that means more practice time each week…but you know what? I don’t mind one second of driving them 40 minutes to practice when I see them accomplish something like this. They saw what practice was for this weekend.
Oh yeah, did I mention that we have officially decided to sell the house. There will be relief and sadness once it does sell…but the relief will be longer lasting, I am sure of that. We just have to get the foreclosure slowed down enough to get this thing sold. It’s going to be hard, but I gotta have faith that it will happen.
We have a few options we are working on for where to go after it sells and if it doesn’t sell. We’ll be staying in the area, but my goal is to start heading towards more open land, I need horses. Horses might not be an option in this move, but maybe the next one… we’ll see.
Some jackass is blowing his boat horn. It’s after midnight! I might have to go kill someone if he wakes up the kids.
>:(
Now I’m annoyed. I think I better get going to go work on some projects so I can get to bed sometime before the sun comes up. See you all later!
:)
Tuesday, April 01, 2008
I just can’t kick this funk
Things are going better between hubby and I. My kid is finally on his way to fulfilling his dream he’s had since he was like 9. My girls are happier with the home life situation.
There are things that could be better. We are in foreclosure. The taxes are now officially late. My truck is supposed to get repo’d. My server might be turned off at any time.
And normally…that shit just doesn’t phase me. No one is dying, so it’s all ok. But today I’m just realizing…I’ve been in a wicked funk for weeks and just can not shake it.
Being sick for a few weeks was the source of my funk til now. Or so I thought. But I think I was wrong.
I’m gonna go paint and hopefully that will help me. That’s all I really want to do lately. Paint and create art for my gallery. Too bad it’s not something that pays the bills.
There are things that could be better. We are in foreclosure. The taxes are now officially late. My truck is supposed to get repo’d. My server might be turned off at any time.
And normally…that shit just doesn’t phase me. No one is dying, so it’s all ok. But today I’m just realizing…I’ve been in a wicked funk for weeks and just can not shake it.
Being sick for a few weeks was the source of my funk til now. Or so I thought. But I think I was wrong.
I’m gonna go paint and hopefully that will help me. That’s all I really want to do lately. Paint and create art for my gallery. Too bad it’s not something that pays the bills.
Saturday, March 08, 2008
We are back with…
One blue ribbon, 6 red ribbons, 1 white and 1 green (we won’t be discussing that green one…ooookay? LOL)
After laying in bed thinking about everything I need to do, and listening to the drunk one snore in his peaceful sleep…I got up at 4 feeling like I’d never gone to bed. I sort of hadn’t. I think I took a few cat naps. I got up, got ready, made breakfast, woke girls up and we were on our way.
We were the first ones there, which is like…a miracle! We are always late. It was pretty cool.
The girls competed, survived despite their fears, and got awards and t-shirts and had the biggest smiles EVER on their faces as they were called in front of the whole gym to be presented with their ribbons.
We stuck around for Level 3 girls to compete and then we all went to lunch.
We also drove the girls around the town, which is where I lived at one time. There are lots of cool things in Lakeland, despite it’s many somewhat run-down areas. We went looking for the swans on Lake Morton and saw quite a few. We showed them 2 places I used to live and where I used to work, well..the lot I used to work in, the building has been demolished and rebuilt as something else.
Now, I’m more exhausted than I’ve ever been in my life and think I might just go eat dinner and pass out.
See you all later!!
After laying in bed thinking about everything I need to do, and listening to the drunk one snore in his peaceful sleep…I got up at 4 feeling like I’d never gone to bed. I sort of hadn’t. I think I took a few cat naps. I got up, got ready, made breakfast, woke girls up and we were on our way.
We were the first ones there, which is like…a miracle! We are always late. It was pretty cool.
The girls competed, survived despite their fears, and got awards and t-shirts and had the biggest smiles EVER on their faces as they were called in front of the whole gym to be presented with their ribbons.
We stuck around for Level 3 girls to compete and then we all went to lunch.
We also drove the girls around the town, which is where I lived at one time. There are lots of cool things in Lakeland, despite it’s many somewhat run-down areas. We went looking for the swans on Lake Morton and saw quite a few. We showed them 2 places I used to live and where I used to work, well..the lot I used to work in, the building has been demolished and rebuilt as something else.
Now, I’m more exhausted than I’ve ever been in my life and think I might just go eat dinner and pass out.
See you all later!!
Friday, March 07, 2008
The weather here sucks today
it’s cold, wet and windy. I guess cold is relative though, since I noticed on Meg’s blog that it’s hot here. And yes, Meg, for some reason every person I know over 65 keeps that damned Air Conditioning off no matter how hot it is outside. I think that kids and old folks have something wrong with their thermostats. Kids never think it’s too hot or cold and old folks always think it’s cold, even when it’s 90 degrees.
As for actual, real, provable heat, I can deal with the that. In fact, I like heat. However, I hate the humidity. Everything I touched was wet this morning. The floor was just gross (ceramic tile and moisture do not mix well - the dog slid out of the house when she tried to run to the back door.) My office chair was even damp and I had to jump up and grab a towel to sit on. I’m sure it’s not helping my computer by being damp.
The worst part of the weather is the allergies. My head is just ready to blow up. My daughter is also feeling the pain. Things never stop blooming here, it’s a nightmare! When I was stuck “Up North” (that’s the proper term, isn’t it?) I never had allergy problems, or if I did they were barely noticeable. After living all over the country and all of a sudden having my system assaulted by things that never bothered it before, I began to wonder…why now? Mom says that she also started this type of reaction at about my age when we lived in Kansas City and it was just as bad. So maybe it’s an age thing?
Speaking of age and heredity, I also seem to be following mom on the hormone path as well. I have been noticing when I ovulate for the last year or so. I mean, there are cramps and major ickyness and I am just tired as can be. I never ever noticed ovulation before. My period is, however, not that big of a deal. Ok, maybe the week before I’m just a touch bitchy.
But it’s much less of a hassle than others I have heard discuss it.
I have to get some work done this morning and I’m just too tired to do it but i thought I’d get work done while the girls have been given a day off from school (by me) to prepare for tomorrow’s gymnastics meet. The oldest is nervous as hell. I don’t know what to do to make her feel better. I tried explaining that she was not the only one who fell off the bars at the last meet, and that it was actually quite common, but she doesn’t want to hear it. She’s going, I won’t let her out of it just because she’s nervous or scared. She always enjoys herself once we get there so we just have to listen to her whine all the way there (over an hour in the car starting at 5am - this is gonna be fun
) We have a new saying when discussing this stuff lately and I’m trying to get her to keep it in her head…”Remember, being BRAVE means you are scared but do it anyway”
I have a few things I say all the time, but I never really think they are listening…you know how it is with kids. Anyway, when my husband says, “That’s impossible!” in response to being asked for something…both of them yell, “Nothing’s Impossible!!” from wherever they are in the house. I have been telling them that for their whole life. Now I know that’s not quite accurate but if my girls can start life off with that attitude, then I see no harm in it. And yes, we’ve discussed how sometimes the probability of an event occurring is incredibly unlikely, but they usually ask something like, “how we can say anything is impossible if we can’t prove it…sometimes there might be a way to make something possible that no one has ever tried before…so you always have to try. You never know when you might see the right way to make it happen.”
My kids are soooo cool!! LOL
Now I’m really going to work…talk to you all later!!
:)
As for actual, real, provable heat, I can deal with the that. In fact, I like heat. However, I hate the humidity. Everything I touched was wet this morning. The floor was just gross (ceramic tile and moisture do not mix well - the dog slid out of the house when she tried to run to the back door.) My office chair was even damp and I had to jump up and grab a towel to sit on. I’m sure it’s not helping my computer by being damp.
The worst part of the weather is the allergies. My head is just ready to blow up. My daughter is also feeling the pain. Things never stop blooming here, it’s a nightmare! When I was stuck “Up North” (that’s the proper term, isn’t it?) I never had allergy problems, or if I did they were barely noticeable. After living all over the country and all of a sudden having my system assaulted by things that never bothered it before, I began to wonder…why now? Mom says that she also started this type of reaction at about my age when we lived in Kansas City and it was just as bad. So maybe it’s an age thing?
Speaking of age and heredity, I also seem to be following mom on the hormone path as well. I have been noticing when I ovulate for the last year or so. I mean, there are cramps and major ickyness and I am just tired as can be. I never ever noticed ovulation before. My period is, however, not that big of a deal. Ok, maybe the week before I’m just a touch bitchy.
But it’s much less of a hassle than others I have heard discuss it.I have to get some work done this morning and I’m just too tired to do it but i thought I’d get work done while the girls have been given a day off from school (by me) to prepare for tomorrow’s gymnastics meet. The oldest is nervous as hell. I don’t know what to do to make her feel better. I tried explaining that she was not the only one who fell off the bars at the last meet, and that it was actually quite common, but she doesn’t want to hear it. She’s going, I won’t let her out of it just because she’s nervous or scared. She always enjoys herself once we get there so we just have to listen to her whine all the way there (over an hour in the car starting at 5am - this is gonna be fun
) We have a new saying when discussing this stuff lately and I’m trying to get her to keep it in her head…”Remember, being BRAVE means you are scared but do it anyway”I have a few things I say all the time, but I never really think they are listening…you know how it is with kids. Anyway, when my husband says, “That’s impossible!” in response to being asked for something…both of them yell, “Nothing’s Impossible!!” from wherever they are in the house. I have been telling them that for their whole life. Now I know that’s not quite accurate but if my girls can start life off with that attitude, then I see no harm in it. And yes, we’ve discussed how sometimes the probability of an event occurring is incredibly unlikely, but they usually ask something like, “how we can say anything is impossible if we can’t prove it…sometimes there might be a way to make something possible that no one has ever tried before…so you always have to try. You never know when you might see the right way to make it happen.”
My kids are soooo cool!! LOL
Now I’m really going to work…talk to you all later!!
:)
Tuesday, September 11, 2007
The noxious cloud hovering over my house
is the two bottles of perfume that the girls sprayed onto some paper (not sure why) and then tried to hide (yeah, right!).
The stench is hideous. We might have to eat out on the driveway. I just went to the kitchen to start cooking and had to leave because my eyes were watering.
They made me sit still for a makeover today. That was fun too. I had to slowly scrub bits off over a period of time so they’d not notice. I was absolutely frightening, but they thought it was beautiful and that is what counts.
Ok, off to figure out how to cook in a room I can’t breathe in. Talk to you all later!
:)
The stench is hideous. We might have to eat out on the driveway. I just went to the kitchen to start cooking and had to leave because my eyes were watering.
They made me sit still for a makeover today. That was fun too. I had to slowly scrub bits off over a period of time so they’d not notice. I was absolutely frightening, but they thought it was beautiful and that is what counts.
Ok, off to figure out how to cook in a room I can’t breathe in. Talk to you all later!
:)
Monday, July 30, 2007
Changing perspective
I spent the day with my in-laws. Normally that statement would have my business partner expecting me to ask for bail money in my next breathe. But…we are turning over a new leaf, aren’t we? I am being myself, remember. I am being someone who I won’t be ashamed of when I think of my day and what I did. I am changing the way I view a lot of things.
My mom says (very often) that in order to believe in something, you have to believe in everything possible for it to be real. I might not be saying it right, I’m very tired. Sorry. Anyway, I can’t believe that we are all products of the same creator and that we all are essentially perfect creations (behaviorally flawed as some of us may be)…and exclude the people I am related to that I have been unhappy to be around in the past. It’s either all or none.
Now, I can’t be all fakey-fakey-nicey-nicey to these people just to pretend that I’m being someone I want to be. I really don’t think that many people could just go out and forgive everyone of every bad thing they’ve done and be part of one big happy world where people sing in the street together like a 1970’s Coke commercial. You know…as corny as that might seem…it sure as hell beats the world we live in today. But that is getting off the point.
While I have trouble forgiving my in-laws for treating me like I’ve been an undesirable growth in their son’s home…I can consider that they are my brothers and sisters, in a “we were all created by the same creator” sense, and that while I may not like the things they do much, to think that they are less than or greater than myself is an insult to the force that created us. It implies that it didn’t do such a good job, that one or the other is less than, that it messed up.
So..if I am going to change how I look at the world, then I need to change how I think about ALL of the world.
In-laws included.
I have noticed since I started thinking of things in a different way, people are very much easier to get along with. I also feel connections with people I’ve never felt. I think that might be due to certain parts of my emotions coming back to participate in life after having been locked up for most of my life. I actually CARE about things. I adore my daughters and want to stop everything that I’m doing to listen to them tell me one of their wild tales (don’t know where they get that from!! LOL) or to listen to one of them tell me how they did their balance beam or bars routine in gymnastics on the days my mom takes them. I used to tell them, “One minute, just give mommy one minute and I’ll be there”. Well, one minute never was…it was always 20, 45, never. I have one child who doesn’t expect me to do things for him because I’m too busy, don’t have the money, etc…and he’s left home. It’s too late to change him, he’s going to have to learn on his own (I can offer my enlightened view of things as I learn them, but what 19 year old boy ever actually LISTENED to his parent about life lessons??). But it’s not to late to teach my 6 and 8 year old how to be a person that they can be proud of at the end of their lives. That is my goal, I think. I want to walk into the sunset at the end of my time here…and look back and see all the people I’ve touched in a positive way. I want to know that my time here was used to it’s fullest potential. I want my children to be proud of their mother. I want my children to be proud of themselves when they reach the end of their path too. And children learn by example, so I guess I better get my butt in a higher gear…because I have time to make up for.
Actually, maybe I’ll shift gears tomorrow…because I think I’ve reached official Red Bull Crash. I must get some sleep.
Thanks for listening…I’ll see you happy campers tomorrow. Goodnight!
:)
Oh, and I’ve been thinking about Meg a lot today. I’ve been asking if the Great Spirit can just help her get back to her life quickly because she does touch a lot of people, and we all miss her a lot.
My mom says (very often) that in order to believe in something, you have to believe in everything possible for it to be real. I might not be saying it right, I’m very tired. Sorry. Anyway, I can’t believe that we are all products of the same creator and that we all are essentially perfect creations (behaviorally flawed as some of us may be)…and exclude the people I am related to that I have been unhappy to be around in the past. It’s either all or none.
Now, I can’t be all fakey-fakey-nicey-nicey to these people just to pretend that I’m being someone I want to be. I really don’t think that many people could just go out and forgive everyone of every bad thing they’ve done and be part of one big happy world where people sing in the street together like a 1970’s Coke commercial. You know…as corny as that might seem…it sure as hell beats the world we live in today. But that is getting off the point.
While I have trouble forgiving my in-laws for treating me like I’ve been an undesirable growth in their son’s home…I can consider that they are my brothers and sisters, in a “we were all created by the same creator” sense, and that while I may not like the things they do much, to think that they are less than or greater than myself is an insult to the force that created us. It implies that it didn’t do such a good job, that one or the other is less than, that it messed up.
So..if I am going to change how I look at the world, then I need to change how I think about ALL of the world.
In-laws included.
I have noticed since I started thinking of things in a different way, people are very much easier to get along with. I also feel connections with people I’ve never felt. I think that might be due to certain parts of my emotions coming back to participate in life after having been locked up for most of my life. I actually CARE about things. I adore my daughters and want to stop everything that I’m doing to listen to them tell me one of their wild tales (don’t know where they get that from!! LOL) or to listen to one of them tell me how they did their balance beam or bars routine in gymnastics on the days my mom takes them. I used to tell them, “One minute, just give mommy one minute and I’ll be there”. Well, one minute never was…it was always 20, 45, never. I have one child who doesn’t expect me to do things for him because I’m too busy, don’t have the money, etc…and he’s left home. It’s too late to change him, he’s going to have to learn on his own (I can offer my enlightened view of things as I learn them, but what 19 year old boy ever actually LISTENED to his parent about life lessons??). But it’s not to late to teach my 6 and 8 year old how to be a person that they can be proud of at the end of their lives. That is my goal, I think. I want to walk into the sunset at the end of my time here…and look back and see all the people I’ve touched in a positive way. I want to know that my time here was used to it’s fullest potential. I want my children to be proud of their mother. I want my children to be proud of themselves when they reach the end of their path too. And children learn by example, so I guess I better get my butt in a higher gear…because I have time to make up for.
Actually, maybe I’ll shift gears tomorrow…because I think I’ve reached official Red Bull Crash. I must get some sleep.
Thanks for listening…I’ll see you happy campers tomorrow. Goodnight!
:)
Oh, and I’ve been thinking about Meg a lot today. I’ve been asking if the Great Spirit can just help her get back to her life quickly because she does touch a lot of people, and we all miss her a lot.
Thursday, April 19, 2007
My kids are so cool
I just thought I’d announce that to the world. :-)
We have a ballet recital this weekend. I am thinking of making it a really big deal to make my oldest daughter really happy about all the work she put into this. Maybe this will give her some positive association with hard work and help her in the future.
I also had a “What would the Bratz do?” conversation yesterday. LOL The girls are having issues with making the decision to join the gymnastics team. Their instructor asked them to try out. The oldest one is just busting at the seams about it and wants to join so bad she can’t contain herself, but won’t do it if the younger one doesn’t. The youngest looks like she wants to do it, but keeps saying she doesn’t want to. She told my mom her reason was that she was afraid she’d fall in front of everyone.
I don’t want her to not do something she loves and regret it. I don’t want to push her to do something she’s not ready to do. It really sucks to watch her struggle with it, too. I think she’s really just scared and that she’d love it if she went to do it.
They were pretending to be one Bratz doll or the other last night so I got the brilliant idea…”Hey! What would the Bratz do if they had to decide to join the gymnastics team or not?” The answer was “They’d do it in a heartbeat!” And then the talk turned to nothing but gymnastics WHILE they did kartwheels and somersaults in their room. They are just constantly doing tumbles, flips…I have to threaten them to get them to stop doing it on the ceramic tile floor. I mean, they’d kartwheel across the house to come to dinner still if I let them. I’m not trying to push an awkward kid who sort of thinks she likes to tumble into joining a gymnastics team. I’m trying to help a kid not regret a decision made based on unrealistic fears. And their instructor thinks they are both extremely talented (well, so do I, but I’m their mom…I’m supposed to think that! LOL ) and she’s gone out of her way to make sure I know she thinks they should both try out next month.
Ok, I’m going to let her think on it a few more days, and then bring it up subtly again. Maybe she will make up her own mind if she thinks I’m not pressuring her for an answer. She can always quit if it’s too hard. BUT she can’t join again unless someone quits…which could be next year. We are talking potential for lots of resentment towards her sister if she doesn’t join and then finds out how much she would have loved it and then CAN’T join for a year. It would be her own fault, but still…kids minds don’t always behave rationally. I just want to make sure she’s aware of the possibilities and can make an informed decision she won’t regret.
Alright, I’m off to get some work done now. See ya’ll tomorrow.
Nite
We have a ballet recital this weekend. I am thinking of making it a really big deal to make my oldest daughter really happy about all the work she put into this. Maybe this will give her some positive association with hard work and help her in the future.
I also had a “What would the Bratz do?” conversation yesterday. LOL The girls are having issues with making the decision to join the gymnastics team. Their instructor asked them to try out. The oldest one is just busting at the seams about it and wants to join so bad she can’t contain herself, but won’t do it if the younger one doesn’t. The youngest looks like she wants to do it, but keeps saying she doesn’t want to. She told my mom her reason was that she was afraid she’d fall in front of everyone.
I don’t want her to not do something she loves and regret it. I don’t want to push her to do something she’s not ready to do. It really sucks to watch her struggle with it, too. I think she’s really just scared and that she’d love it if she went to do it.
They were pretending to be one Bratz doll or the other last night so I got the brilliant idea…”Hey! What would the Bratz do if they had to decide to join the gymnastics team or not?” The answer was “They’d do it in a heartbeat!” And then the talk turned to nothing but gymnastics WHILE they did kartwheels and somersaults in their room. They are just constantly doing tumbles, flips…I have to threaten them to get them to stop doing it on the ceramic tile floor. I mean, they’d kartwheel across the house to come to dinner still if I let them. I’m not trying to push an awkward kid who sort of thinks she likes to tumble into joining a gymnastics team. I’m trying to help a kid not regret a decision made based on unrealistic fears. And their instructor thinks they are both extremely talented (well, so do I, but I’m their mom…I’m supposed to think that! LOL ) and she’s gone out of her way to make sure I know she thinks they should both try out next month.
Ok, I’m going to let her think on it a few more days, and then bring it up subtly again. Maybe she will make up her own mind if she thinks I’m not pressuring her for an answer. She can always quit if it’s too hard. BUT she can’t join again unless someone quits…which could be next year. We are talking potential for lots of resentment towards her sister if she doesn’t join and then finds out how much she would have loved it and then CAN’T join for a year. It would be her own fault, but still…kids minds don’t always behave rationally. I just want to make sure she’s aware of the possibilities and can make an informed decision she won’t regret.
Alright, I’m off to get some work done now. See ya’ll tomorrow.
Nite
Thursday, March 22, 2007
I am in need of motivation
I can’t seem to focus still today. It’s getting annoying. This has to be resolved so we can move on. It’s wasting too much time.
Last night he refused to speak to me while my mom was here. He wanted her to leave before he’d talk (doesn’t want witnesses to his behavior of course) and then he didn’t say a word really after she left. He is trying to act like nothing happened today but I can see him unraveling. He had to call the lawyer to discuss some things that only he can do and he got pissed at me because I wouldn’t do it. I CAN’T do it. Obviously, since he wants me to that should be a good enough reason for me to be able to do it. I have noticed that just because he thinks it should be right, he’s convinced it is. I think his parents have imposed their Judge Judy legal expertise on him one too many times. The law is the law. You can’t bully your way to your own preferred outcome. The bank wants to repossess our truck and he’s totally nonchalant about the fact when it’s an issue of me getting in trouble (it’s in my name) but now that he’s got to go to the truck to get to work, cause I’m not letting him park here and get it repossessed in the middle of the night, well now it’s a big deal. Or is it…oh wait, he thinks he can just take my van so it’s not such a big deal now. Let ‘em have it! He’s done with bills and money problems. (yes, he said that to me yesterday). He’s delusional.
I should have been able to send money to the bank today, but due to a typical blunder by him, I can’t. He can not possibly do all these things that lead to bigger problems on accident. They have to be intentional, even if it’s a subconscious thing.
It was recommended by someone, who knows these sorts of things, that I sort of emotionally divorce him in my mind in order to be able to maintain my sanity during this all…and I have to say the tremendous relief I felt just by that small action is enormous. I can breath again. I’m not seeing spots, I don’t have chest pains…it’s nice to be able to think.
OK, there was a 6 hour break in there. Didjya notice? LOL
I went in to get coffee and a friend called and wanted to know if I wanted to watch Native Americans dancing and if so…to get my butt down to the park post haste. So I grabbed kids and ran out of here.
AND I had an incredible night. I need to get some thoughts in order and then I will write more. I have so many feelings and ideas and things I can’t even classify going through my head right now. I need to sort it out. I’ll be back a little later I think.
Last night he refused to speak to me while my mom was here. He wanted her to leave before he’d talk (doesn’t want witnesses to his behavior of course) and then he didn’t say a word really after she left. He is trying to act like nothing happened today but I can see him unraveling. He had to call the lawyer to discuss some things that only he can do and he got pissed at me because I wouldn’t do it. I CAN’T do it. Obviously, since he wants me to that should be a good enough reason for me to be able to do it. I have noticed that just because he thinks it should be right, he’s convinced it is. I think his parents have imposed their Judge Judy legal expertise on him one too many times. The law is the law. You can’t bully your way to your own preferred outcome. The bank wants to repossess our truck and he’s totally nonchalant about the fact when it’s an issue of me getting in trouble (it’s in my name) but now that he’s got to go to the truck to get to work, cause I’m not letting him park here and get it repossessed in the middle of the night, well now it’s a big deal. Or is it…oh wait, he thinks he can just take my van so it’s not such a big deal now. Let ‘em have it! He’s done with bills and money problems. (yes, he said that to me yesterday). He’s delusional.
I should have been able to send money to the bank today, but due to a typical blunder by him, I can’t. He can not possibly do all these things that lead to bigger problems on accident. They have to be intentional, even if it’s a subconscious thing.
It was recommended by someone, who knows these sorts of things, that I sort of emotionally divorce him in my mind in order to be able to maintain my sanity during this all…and I have to say the tremendous relief I felt just by that small action is enormous. I can breath again. I’m not seeing spots, I don’t have chest pains…it’s nice to be able to think.
OK, there was a 6 hour break in there. Didjya notice? LOL
I went in to get coffee and a friend called and wanted to know if I wanted to watch Native Americans dancing and if so…to get my butt down to the park post haste. So I grabbed kids and ran out of here.
AND I had an incredible night. I need to get some thoughts in order and then I will write more. I have so many feelings and ideas and things I can’t even classify going through my head right now. I need to sort it out. I’ll be back a little later I think.
Wednesday, February 21, 2007
I am so behind...
...on everything.
Hubby was home for a few weeks after getting laid off. He was also using my computer to study for a course he needed to get licensed for the new job that he had actually gotten right before getting laid off. That took two weeks. Of course, if he hadn’t dumped scotch on his own laptop before he got laid off, then he wouldn’t have had to use mine but we won’t go there today.
I’m working like a fiend to clean this house up. I honestly do not know why I can’t keep things under control when he’s home. Perhaps it’s because he keeps interrupting, or he is demanding all of the house activity revolve around him? Of course, it doesn’t, which ticks him off big time. I swear he thinks that he’s the center of the universe sometimes.
So. He’s working. It’s only classes this week really. So he’s informed me that he will most likely be home tomorrow and Friday AND Saturday AND Sunday. *sigh*
He supposedly has 2 jobs. One isn’t to start til next week and he’s not 100% sure he can even pull them both off. I guess we’ll find out next week.
OH! We started going to a co-op so the girls could take new classes. Actually, we are following their ballet teacher and since the little one doesn’t want to take ballet anymore, she’s doing a science class at that same time. She seems to have had a great time last week. Maybe she’ll let me leave her in the room without me staying next to her this week.
And I just re-remembered (yes I remembered earlier but sort of blew it off) that it’s my anniversary. So I guess I should try to do something nice. Not sure what when I have almost no money but I think I can come up with something.
I have a $10 gift card from Target…maybe I can buy something for his fish there. He brought home 3 and put them in a small tank on the desk. Then the female started spewing babies so we grabbed the Beta out and tossed him in a snifter glass since he was trying to eat all the babies. Now he is in the glass looking miserable and the cat is watching it closely…and since they are his fish…buying him another small tank would be a gift for him. right? Oh whatever. If all of these babies live, I’m gonna need to pull one of the 65 gallon tanks out of the garage and put it in here just for them. There are tons of the little suckers.
Ok, I’m off to figure out what to get him.
Later!!
:)
Hubby was home for a few weeks after getting laid off. He was also using my computer to study for a course he needed to get licensed for the new job that he had actually gotten right before getting laid off. That took two weeks. Of course, if he hadn’t dumped scotch on his own laptop before he got laid off, then he wouldn’t have had to use mine but we won’t go there today.
I’m working like a fiend to clean this house up. I honestly do not know why I can’t keep things under control when he’s home. Perhaps it’s because he keeps interrupting, or he is demanding all of the house activity revolve around him? Of course, it doesn’t, which ticks him off big time. I swear he thinks that he’s the center of the universe sometimes.
So. He’s working. It’s only classes this week really. So he’s informed me that he will most likely be home tomorrow and Friday AND Saturday AND Sunday. *sigh*
He supposedly has 2 jobs. One isn’t to start til next week and he’s not 100% sure he can even pull them both off. I guess we’ll find out next week.
OH! We started going to a co-op so the girls could take new classes. Actually, we are following their ballet teacher and since the little one doesn’t want to take ballet anymore, she’s doing a science class at that same time. She seems to have had a great time last week. Maybe she’ll let me leave her in the room without me staying next to her this week.
And I just re-remembered (yes I remembered earlier but sort of blew it off) that it’s my anniversary. So I guess I should try to do something nice. Not sure what when I have almost no money but I think I can come up with something.
I have a $10 gift card from Target…maybe I can buy something for his fish there. He brought home 3 and put them in a small tank on the desk. Then the female started spewing babies so we grabbed the Beta out and tossed him in a snifter glass since he was trying to eat all the babies. Now he is in the glass looking miserable and the cat is watching it closely…and since they are his fish…buying him another small tank would be a gift for him. right? Oh whatever. If all of these babies live, I’m gonna need to pull one of the 65 gallon tanks out of the garage and put it in here just for them. There are tons of the little suckers.
Ok, I’m off to figure out what to get him.
Later!!
:)
Saturday, October 28, 2006
Self doubt
Meg mentioned something about men that make you doubt yourself. I really hate it when I realize how much he’s made me doubt myself. And I’m still doubting myself. Do I want to make an effort to get our relationship back in some salvagable form? Is it possible? Is it worth it? Can my hatred for him actually be hatred for myself being so stupid?
Sometimes I look at him and think, maybe it’s really been me this whole time. Then he says something like “Don’t give me any of that crap about you working 24/7, as far as I’m concerned you’ve been retired for years!” and he says it in front of the kids and my mom just after I’ve come in from making $300 for designing a website template for someone. I was embarrassed to have my kids see their father be so ignorant and I was feeling pretty sure of myself and he’s damned lucky I didn’t gouge his eyes out with a rusty soup spoon.
Yeah, I know, I’ve ranted about that before. Oh…you want a new one? How about “It’s friday morning and you are the mom, and you are SUPPOSED to make me breakfast just because it’s friday and you are the mom.” Yes, he’s a fucking asshole. BUT then my beautiful daughter says, “You aren’t doing anything. Why don’t you make us breakfast? Mom has to teach us before she goes in to work. Yes, it would make more sense for you to make us breakfast.”
For some reason he thinks I set them up for those type of comments. But the little darlings come up with it all on their own!! LOL
They aren’t gonna be depending on any neanderthalish man if i can help it.
Next step is to put my money where my mouth is and just tell him to go live with his mommy if he needs someone to take care of him so badly. I’m not his maid, his cook or his fucking verbal punching bag. I’ve had enough.
Now if I only had the nerve….
ok, bedtime. Night all!!
Sometimes I look at him and think, maybe it’s really been me this whole time. Then he says something like “Don’t give me any of that crap about you working 24/7, as far as I’m concerned you’ve been retired for years!” and he says it in front of the kids and my mom just after I’ve come in from making $300 for designing a website template for someone. I was embarrassed to have my kids see their father be so ignorant and I was feeling pretty sure of myself and he’s damned lucky I didn’t gouge his eyes out with a rusty soup spoon.
Yeah, I know, I’ve ranted about that before. Oh…you want a new one? How about “It’s friday morning and you are the mom, and you are SUPPOSED to make me breakfast just because it’s friday and you are the mom.” Yes, he’s a fucking asshole. BUT then my beautiful daughter says, “You aren’t doing anything. Why don’t you make us breakfast? Mom has to teach us before she goes in to work. Yes, it would make more sense for you to make us breakfast.”
For some reason he thinks I set them up for those type of comments. But the little darlings come up with it all on their own!! LOL
They aren’t gonna be depending on any neanderthalish man if i can help it.
Next step is to put my money where my mouth is and just tell him to go live with his mommy if he needs someone to take care of him so badly. I’m not his maid, his cook or his fucking verbal punching bag. I’ve had enough.
Now if I only had the nerve….
ok, bedtime. Night all!!
Tuesday, August 22, 2006
Should have just stayed in bed today
but I had stuff to do. My littlest daughter had to go get a tooth extracted, she’s been doing this for months. It started out simple enough, and then the dentist wanted to try to save it, then my daughter freaked because she was in there so long I guess her patience wore thin. We were then referred to a sedation dentist. We started along that path but when the question about heart murmurs and such came up, I told them that she’d been diagnosed with one since birth, but that it must have gone away because her doctor down here hadn’t mentioned it. They required a certificate from a cardiologist saying it was ok. So we started the process of getting her to the cardiologist, which started with me getting her a visit to her doctor. Since this doctor is just a family physician and had just caused my husband to not be insurable by putting incorrect information in his records (yeah, we seem to have some serious issues, don’t we?) I decided maybe she should see a pediatrician because I now had no faith in this man.
The pediatrician says “she has a murmur but it sounds innocent, here is a cardiologist I recommend”. So I call, and call, and call. After weeks I get this man who says it is going to be 2 months before she can come in. 2 months? She has a half finished tooth extraction…she needs to do this now. Sorry, no chance, is the reply. so…
I call the pediatrician back and ask for another cardiologist. There is only one more in the area it seems. So the phone calls start. 2 weeks, one hour a day I’m on hold. I finally get fed up and start looking anywhere within driving distance for anyone that can see her. I find a pediatric cardiologist an hour away. AND a real person answered AND they gave me an appointment within a week! So we went, did that, got to see a sonogram of her perfectly healthy happy heart that happens to have an innocent heart murmur and get our certificate so she can get dental work done. OH. That was the reason for all this wasn’t it? I mean, I’m much happier now knowing that the heart murmur that I thought was gone but isn’t is really not anything to worry about. :p
So…now the dentist is booked til next month. But they have me on a list to call if anyone cancels. Now, we’d been playing games with pediatricians and cardiologists for a month, and in the meantime she’d developed an abcess so she’d been on antibiotics. None were making it look better so they kept giving her stronger antibiotics. She ran out Saturday so I called yesterday to ask if we needed to get more. They were going to leave a note for the doctor to see what he wanted to do. They called me back last night and said that someone had cancelled for a sedation appointment this morning, did I want to come? So I said yes, got her all prepped (lied through my teeth about going early today so we could have them look at the “bubble” (abcess) and they were going to give her special really really strong antibiotics that she drinks right there in the office.) and let her stay up later (as they suggested so she’d be tired) and set off this morning for the appointment. It all went wonderfully, she’s not pissed at me, and when the dentist told her all she could have for lunch was mashed potatoes and a Frosty (from Wendy’s) she was actually happy.
Then we came home and got hit by the odd smell that seemed to have developed. Hmmmm. I checked all over. No one had any accidents. I had no idea. The day went on, the smell got worse. Then I thought, I wonder if all the poison hubby put in the garage could work so fast and I’m smelling dead rodents? I think I was on to something there. It’s beyond foul now and I’m gonna go head to the other end of the house and hope it’s not as smelly. I may be spending tomorrow poolside though if it’s worse.
I wish I had a laptop.
The pediatrician says “she has a murmur but it sounds innocent, here is a cardiologist I recommend”. So I call, and call, and call. After weeks I get this man who says it is going to be 2 months before she can come in. 2 months? She has a half finished tooth extraction…she needs to do this now. Sorry, no chance, is the reply. so…
I call the pediatrician back and ask for another cardiologist. There is only one more in the area it seems. So the phone calls start. 2 weeks, one hour a day I’m on hold. I finally get fed up and start looking anywhere within driving distance for anyone that can see her. I find a pediatric cardiologist an hour away. AND a real person answered AND they gave me an appointment within a week! So we went, did that, got to see a sonogram of her perfectly healthy happy heart that happens to have an innocent heart murmur and get our certificate so she can get dental work done. OH. That was the reason for all this wasn’t it? I mean, I’m much happier now knowing that the heart murmur that I thought was gone but isn’t is really not anything to worry about. :p
So…now the dentist is booked til next month. But they have me on a list to call if anyone cancels. Now, we’d been playing games with pediatricians and cardiologists for a month, and in the meantime she’d developed an abcess so she’d been on antibiotics. None were making it look better so they kept giving her stronger antibiotics. She ran out Saturday so I called yesterday to ask if we needed to get more. They were going to leave a note for the doctor to see what he wanted to do. They called me back last night and said that someone had cancelled for a sedation appointment this morning, did I want to come? So I said yes, got her all prepped (lied through my teeth about going early today so we could have them look at the “bubble” (abcess) and they were going to give her special really really strong antibiotics that she drinks right there in the office.) and let her stay up later (as they suggested so she’d be tired) and set off this morning for the appointment. It all went wonderfully, she’s not pissed at me, and when the dentist told her all she could have for lunch was mashed potatoes and a Frosty (from Wendy’s) she was actually happy.
Then we came home and got hit by the odd smell that seemed to have developed. Hmmmm. I checked all over. No one had any accidents. I had no idea. The day went on, the smell got worse. Then I thought, I wonder if all the poison hubby put in the garage could work so fast and I’m smelling dead rodents? I think I was on to something there. It’s beyond foul now and I’m gonna go head to the other end of the house and hope it’s not as smelly. I may be spending tomorrow poolside though if it’s worse.
I wish I had a laptop.
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