Thinking too much

Mom told me I was thinking too much the other day. She might be right. Maybe. But I’m not guaranteeing it.

I have been on autopilot for too many years, so I can afford to over think things. Right? Besides, it seems my over thinking how I’m treated freaks out certain members of previous generations. It’s like my feeling as if I shouldn’t have to put up with being ignored (you KNOW what you did is written all over the few dirty looks I get) or with my life and my kids lives being scattered into chaos everytime someone else wants to be a drama queen (”he IS the husband you know…they get like that” is the comments that are given as excuses).

I am also officially on the shit list for voicing my opinion about my father-in-law the other day. Hubby’s mom had the nerve to say “He doesn’t mean to be mean and make “hubby” upset. It’s just the way he is.” To which I replied, “His way IS to be mean and make “hubby” upset.” I’m not sure she actually spoke to me after that. I was too busy getting the kids stuff together to get out of there. Hey, when you turn out three totally fucked up kids…OCD, SuperDramaQueen Syndrome, EverythingIsEveryoneElse’sFault Syndrome, and IMUSThavealcohol/drugsOrICan’tCope Syndrome then maybe, just MAYBE, your “ways” are really fucked up.

I really don’t give a shit how things were done in the old days, in the old country or in anything else old. If something does not work, it does not work. And shit was done the way it was done because no one knew better! Life is about learning and growing. We have one generation out there expecting people to do their jobs and be responsible as far as the neighbors can tell, but in private they expect to be able to take out their frustrations on their wives and children and abuse them physically and sexually, and expect them to not tell what happens at home. Those kids grew up to be even more emotionally detached from the world and needed drugs just to cope with the act of working and raising a family. And then their kids grew up to say “I care about you as much as my parents and society cared about me! Which is to say, “Fuck off! Leave me alone, I’ll take what I want and if you or I die in the process, then it’s not big deal cause we aren’t worth that much anyway.”

It’s not rocket science to see that each generation effects the next. We are products of the environment we grew up in. Who we are inside determines how we handle the information we receive. Some people grow up in an abusive atmoshere and totally shut down, take their blows and then grow up to repeat the cycle. Others take the blows and grow up to be so bitter and pissed off that no one came in to save them that they go out and randomly kill a bunch of people when the bitterness has warped their minds enough. And yet some other people take their blows while plotting a way out, escape, and learn from the experience. They make sure that their children are raised in a loving, open environment.

I can see in hubby and his brother and sister, how each coped with an abusive environment and how it shaped them into who they are now.

I can see how my brother and I coped with our abusive environment and how each of us turned out.
All five people are so completely and incredibly different…and yet, if each one was to learn a bit about coping with stressful situations and were to put some effort into learning how to undo the crap the lies they were taught, they’d be much much happier people.  It wouldn’t take much effort…just a desire to be a better healthier person.

I include myself in there. I think I’ve come a long way in learning that my dad was NOT right and that I’m way more capable than he implied. BUT I still have that trigger in my head that pulls me back and feeds me doubt when I go into situations…sort of like Pavlov’s dogs…I’m all gung-ho til I hit the bell…and then I doubt myself and my talent and I have to work hard to kick that nay-sayers ass…I can do it, but I need to keep looking for a better way to do it. There has to be something that I’ve not found yet that would completely eliminate it.

I’m working hard on making a change, and there is no “trying” really…I have no choice in the matter. I have two little girls that will some day grow up and be in a relationship…and it’s my job to teach them the difference between a healthy relationship and a sick one. And it’s my job to teach them how to tell the difference and that they have the right to leave it if it’s unhealthy. I hope they are learning during our own trials over here, I’m sure they see most of what is going on. I don’t hide my emotions, I think it’s perfectly ok for people to feel what they feel. All that hiding stuff…it’s a recipe for disaster. It teaches kids to hide other things and that is just too scary to consider.

You get what you expect out of life

Or at least I think that is right.

It’s very hard to trust someone when you aren’t sure which “personality” you are going to get.  It’s very hard to be married to someone like that.  I want to believe that I could be positive and expect great things and that all would be fine and my world would just be wonderful.  I really do.  I just can’t seem to convince myself to feel that with my whole heart any more.

I’m not sure if I don’t feel that way because events are starting to shift or if events are starting to shift because I feel that way.  I made a comment a while back that maybe his drinking wasn’t the problem really.  Maybe the problem was my expectations of what would occur when he drank.  Then that little voice in my head that can’t be shut up calls me a stupid asshole for thinking something so incredibly ignorant.

I will acknowledge that he has made great progress in the way of self discovery and in motivating himself.  That I can not deny.  But just because he’s made progress, does that mean that I should put up with being treated like I’m either offensive or only here to cater to his needs.  I don’t think so.  I’m afraid the only feelings I have for him any more are resentment and pity.  I do not respect him, he’s entirely to manipulative for that.  I don’t like him, he’s only concerned for his own feelings and who wants to spend time with someone like that?

Could these feelings be temporary?  Is this some sort of stage you go through?  Total hell > Progress > Set back towards hell again > progress > set back > progress > finally reaching the goal!  Or is it just the way it’s going to be forever?  I can’t remain in a relationship with someone who I don’t respect and who doesn’t respect me, who I don’t like being around, who pushes my buttons just to get me upset (and enjoys it, it seems), and who is just so negative so often that the future can only be a dismal existence with much bickering or totally living on other ends of the house (like his parents do).
I don’t want this to be over but I do.  I also don’t want to change someone else.  But this is not the person I married.  I feel like I got my luggage mixed on a trip…I left with the bright happy adventurous set of Samsonite luggage that could never be harmed, and I came back to find all my belongings in the Wal-Mart duffle bags that are being held together by duct tape.

I’m not sure what to do.  I’m very confused over if I should face the facts and just end it.   It’s a horrible example for my kids to see us this way.

Ok, I had to get that out before I just burst into tears.  I have to work so there is no time for that.  Thanks for listening.

:)

Just saying hi

I had an idea for a post, I sat here writing for a little while…then my browser went apeshit and I lost it all. I haven’t got the energy to start over. It was a rant on patriotism and the lack of it in my husbands family…the short version? ok…if you force me. LOL

My in-laws were due to come over tomorrow. My father in law does nothing but bitch about Americans. It drives me nuts and I was going to counter attack before he even got his mouth started. Oh wait. If I counter attack before he attacks…then that means I attacked and he’s counter attacking. Right? Whatever…he’s been doing this for years, it’s time I got this shit to end.

Ok…so…let’s forget that bit about a short version. I ain’t made that way. LOL So…the girls and I went to the bookstore yesterday and got new schoolbooks. We got some sweet new “Hooked on…” (as in Hooked on Pre-K and Hooked on 1st Grade) and they just love these things. They won’t stop doing them. What does this have to do with my in-laws and patriotism? Just wait…you’ll see…I’m really getting there.

So, these books come with posters. And stickers. Which, i feel, is why they are so into them. They do something right, they get a sticker. One in the book and then one up on the poster. In order to really get the effect, the poster has to be up on the wall. Right? Right! So, I’m on a roll…being me…and I decided “Screw this trying to hide our freakish unatural schooling methods from everyone!! These babies are going right up on the dining room wall. All 10 of them! Yeah!! LOL There are 10!! Isn’t it great??? Ok…so…I’m looking at the walls thinking we can really get somewhere, now our progress isn’t just hidden in the playroom that is so full of dress up dresses and stuffed animals that you can’t get in…it’s up on the dining room wall!! Everyone will see how great we are doing!! We can’t skip school without it glaring our faces!!! This is just what we need. Also, when you come out of my bedroom door, the first thing you notice now is 10 (Yes, 10!! LOL) bright colored posters with stickers on them. It’s truly in my face and I can’t forget to do it.

Ok, back to my reason for this post…I’m sitting there looking at the wall and the drunk mentions that he’s invited his parents over on Sunday. OK. Whatever. And then I’m thinking…”Ooooooo…Won’t it be fucking hilarious to see thier faces when they see the 10 (Yes, 10!!) 11 inch x 17 inch posters plastered on the dining room wall??” And then I can hardly wait. I’m thinking this is gonna be just the funniest thing ever. Now…skip ahead to today…I’m checking email and get one from my mom. It’s a copy of an editorial on patriotism. Then I start thinking about the Father in law and his annoying as hell rants. Then I think they are coming over. Then I think of the dining room wall. THEN…what if? Hmmmmm…What if i put a big assed poster on the wall that says, “It’s Our Country, It’s Our Heritage, It’s Who We Are” (and in smaller letters..) “If you don’t like it, then go back where you came from” and then put a list of all the great Americans that we’ve learned about already under the poster…sort of use it for our History progress poster. Yeah, I know, it’s negative. But if I make it without the nasty bit about going back where you came from then it’s not too bad. It won’t get the point across to the nasty bastard tomorrow, but then who says anything would get the point across? He’s a close minded emotionally weak person who needs to attack everything before he can be attacked (as if he’s anybody worth attacking). Of course, now that I think of it, I’m sitting here plotting how I can tell him off without actually speaking to him…so who is worse?

I’m having major ups and downs in my mood today…it could be hormonal. It could be that I’ve let myself experience how things should be and now I can’t keep myself under control like I’ve done for the past 13 years or so. Hell..who am I kidding? I’ve been restrained almost my whole life. I just blame myself for the last 13 because I was freaking FREE!!!! And I chose to end up in this situation! Well, it’s not like I sat down and made a decision to be smothered by someone else’s ego. But I did decide to go with this person, to make a life with this person. Boy did I screw up a good thing. But I did get two of the most awesome and incredible little girls because of it, so maybe this all happened for a reason?
I think I need sleep…my babbling has gone from upbeat to somewhat depressing really quickly. I’ll see you happy peoples tomorrow.

nite

I think I’ve been too damned tired to even post anything

Everyday has been full, the problems are abound.  I sit down in here to work at night and suddenly I’m fighting the urge to just lay down on the floor and sleep.

I’ve got the kids on a better school schedule, although they are quite offended by being pushed harder now.  Too bad.  My oldest is also being pushed in ballet class, too.  She’s older, she can handle more.  I need to push her in a few things around the house as well.  I think I’ve been too easy on them both up til now, mostly because I am so preoccupied with our life going to hell in a hand basket.

So, in short, I’m sort of proud of myself for putting their needs first for a change and not being so self-absorbed by hate and confusion.

I might have been motivated by my in-laws - they did the usual “you are ruining your kids lives by keeping them at home” bullshit last weekend and now I’m just that much more determined to show them how much we can do.  You know, I’m surrounded by people who are just so freaking miserable and try to keep you down so they feel better.  How sick is that?  And his parents have three kids..one is an alcoholic, one has OCD and one is a self-centered drama queen who has been emotionally traumatizing her children for almost 18 years.  And they want to give ME advice???  As if anyone sane would take it???  Freaking loony birds.

And this week they especially pissed me off.  My youngest won’t speak to them.  Actually, both kids will normally not speak to them for quite a while and then start when they warm up, after an hour or so.  My father-in-law is saying, at the table in front of her, that my youngest needs psychological help because she doesn’t talk to them.  I was about to tell him that she doesn’t talk to them because they make her uncomfortable.  They never come see them, they are miserable fuckers and all they do is yell and carry on about how horrible Americans are.  WHY would she like him?  She won’t even talk to her dad.  She hates how he gets and just refuses to have anything to do with him.  I think maybe she’s the only sane one here cause she does what she feels.

These people are vile and hate everything and I see how I was beginning to become like them.

My goal this week is to force myself to see the positive side to everything.  Like instead of being upset that the ceiling fell in on the lanai, I’ll be glad that no one (including turtles that were right under it) got hurt and that it’s not worse than it is.  Maybe by changing how I see things, I can change how I’m viewing this sick, dying relationship that I can’t seem to let go of.

Ok, I’m toast.  Going to bed now.   ‘Nite!!

:)