I guess the only one who is going to get me out of this hell is me

God, that sucks.  These last few weeks have been busy and surreal.  The more I work, the worse he gets.  The more I feel good about me, the more he attacks me.  Tonight was the kicker though.  And I honestly think I’m just provoking him now to get him to fucking leave already.  But the girls were crying and he was breaking things and it’s just gone too far.  I had him at the fucking door, he was finally getting out and then the girls were just so fucking upset that I took them to their room and somehow the bastard is still here!  He’s passed out in his chair in the living room.  What the hell????

He was just freaking spewing hate at me tonight, I was really actually scared at one point but refused to walk away because he just pushed me over the edge.  He detests me.  He didn’t lose hundreds of thousands of our money..it was HIS money so I have some big balls to dare throw that in his face.  This is after he blasted me for only making $1000 this month and said that I hadn’t made any money in our whole relationship (hey fucko!! I quit a $40,000 a year plus benefits and retirement to stay home because YOU wanted me to!!!) Oh, and did I mention I was there for 5 years?  Paying HIS house bills.  Paying for HIS car.  Paying the bills he refused to open because he couldn’t pay them.  I was so fucking stupid.  If I hadn’t gotten the girls from this relationship I’d say it was a major mistake, but I can’t imagine the thought of existing without either of these awesome kids.

Well, after the first half of our war, he went and punched a hole in the bathroom door.  Actually it’s a dent, but it’s a very old door, somewhat solid and has a full-door sized mirror on the other side. He’s fucking lucky that didn’t break.  Then he smashed a cup all over the bathroom.  I took pics this time.  I also caught the towel rack that he ripped off the wall and his stack of Playboys that he refuses to put out of view of the girls in my pics.  just in case i forget these things.  It’s good to have a reminder.

Damage he did to the door (old, heavy duty door) when  he was mad at me.

Broken plastic cup he blasted to bits when he threw it at the door.  (Heavy duty plastic cup from our pizzeria)

 

More bits of plastic cup

So, he also says I spend all my time on the computer.  (wrong)  He says I neglect my kids so I can sit in here and do “whatever it is I do” on my computer.  (wrong)  He says I’m selfish and that I’m the most selfish motherfucker out there ( I do believe those were his exact words) and then told me I am just like my father (which would have been an attempt to hurt my feelings) and just like my mother (another attempt, I think) and then he just kept on fluctuating between calling me names and daring me to keep attacking him!  I told him he drank too much, that was me attacking him.  Obviously, on his planet, that warrants scaring the fuck out of your kids, coming within an inch of taking your wife’s head off (and sacrificing the door and an innocent cup instead) and walking out on your family (although somehow he never got out the door and passed out 3 ft from it in a chair instead).

Stack of Playboys, right in view of kids

And this whole time I’m thinking he’s insane.  He’s flipped his fucking lid.  But he hits the right buttons, because within 10 minutes I’m in tears in the girls room and can’t stop them from coming, and the girls are now sufficiently freaked out…and i kept trying to tell them it was ok, but I can’t stop crying…what if I am a horrible mom?  What if I am selfish and I just don’t know it?  what if I’m making their life worse?  I am so full of doubt about myself right now that I’m crying again.

I have to go make myself a coffee and just get this out of my system.  I’m sure I’ll be back.

Oh, and did I mention I spent friday (my birthday) and saturday puking my guts out with a 102 average fever and he was upset that I didn’t hop off the couch that I was passed out on when he got home to tend to his needs?  Fucker.

Ok, I’m really going for coffee now, just had to get a little pissed to keep it all in perspective.

:)