he’s completely coming unwound. And apparently it’s all my fault

So, I’m really really happy.  I can’t even express the coolness of my current work position.  Again, it’s something I’ll get into later as I have loads to do and only a little time to squeak in a post here.

I’m looking at being able to afford to pay our bills.  ALL of our bills.  My job is that of a designer for a person who develops websites.  Quite simple, and yet, exactly what I have always wanted.  I suck at selling myself.  I cave in to pressure and don’t think I’m good enough to warrant the prices I must charge.  Now, I KNOW I’m good enough, but for some reason my self esteem just goes and hides when it comes time to give a quote.  I end up giving away the farm and having to live with the annoying client who thinks his hundred dollars entitles him to 24/7 support as well as a high quality design and hosting and SEO and and and…well, you get the picture.

I always knew I needed a sales person but hell…how can I afford a sales person when I can’t even feed my kids?

At the recommendation of a very nice woman I speak to frequently, I started reinventing myself.  I started with the attitude.  I am talented, dammit.    Then I actually felt a shift after I told off the hubby, I told him I was going to succeed despite him.   Within a few hours, I had this job.  Things started happening.  I can feel the change.

Now, as I’m sitting here in my new position…I can see him falling apart.  I’m watching from the outside and seeing his mood swings, his thoughts whirling in his head, his desperate need to be in control and his anxiety about the fact that he’s not any longer.  He’s also lost control at work.  Well, imagine that shit.  You get drunk at work and people feel they can’t depend on you?  All I can say is, I know how they feel.

So, one day he’s cordial.  Then later he’s trying to be smooth and cool and make me relax and take some time off.  The next day he’s not speaking to me.  Then he’s just fucking out there again.  Is he in a perpetual state of drunkeness? I think he might just be at this point.

Tonight, he’s come home and broken the towel rack off the wall, the light cord off the ceiling fan, the television remote control and his own cell phone.  He’s pissed, bitching about everything and when I said the towel rack was a matter of a bit of joint compound and a trowel, he got mad at my optimism.
He’s coming unglued.  I might be a tad scared too.  I don’t know where it is going to go or how bad it’s going to get.  I’ve yet to get my first paycheck.  Will he totally freak if i actually get paid (I’m sure he’s thinking I’m making this whole job thing up).

Well, no matter what he’s going to do or how he’s coming unglued…I have work to do and I will keep an eye on his behaviour and act accordingly.  I won’t let his intimidation and need to be in control ruin my current work.  It’s my life now.  And it’s not me that should be afraid.  It’s him.  He should be very afraid because his world as he knew it doesn’t exist and never will again.

I’ll see you all later.

:)