I just can’t kick this funk

Things are going better between hubby and I.  My kid is finally on his way to fulfilling his dream he’s had since he was like 9.  My girls are happier with the home life situation.

There are things that could be better.  We are in foreclosure.  The taxes are now officially late.  My truck is supposed to get repo’d.  My server might be turned off at any time.

And normally…that shit just doesn’t phase me.  No one is dying, so it’s all ok.  But today I’m just realizing…I’ve been in a wicked funk for weeks and just can not shake it.

Being sick for a few weeks was the source of my funk til now.  Or so I thought.  But I think I was wrong.
I’m gonna go paint and hopefully that will help me.  That’s all I really want to do lately.  Paint and create art for my gallery.  Too bad it’s not something that pays the bills.

Accidents and business

they have nothing to do with each other, I just thought I’d talk about both though.

Friday, hubby got hit by another car while sitting still in traffic.  Our poor truck is mooshed in the back, but he’s alright and that is really what matters, right?  The phone calls and interrogation by the insurance company has been quite exhausting though.  I bought our insurance (we’d been illegal due to lack of money to pay for the crap) about an hour before he got hit.  Good thing he hit hubby and not the other way around.  It seems that esurance says you are covered from the minute you buy it BUT they won’t pay a claim that occurs within 12 days of purchasing it.  Nice, huh?  What exactly is the point of that crap?  You are covered but we aren’t going to cover you.  I’m not impressed.  We don’t need them right now, but now that I know that…well, my attitude is not a good one.  I’ll be rethinking this all around renewal time.  The kid that hit him is 6 months older than my son.  He’s 19 and this is not his first accident.  He was looking pretty depressed by the time I got there to view the damage.  But, like I said…no one got hurt and that is what counts.  Maybe he’ll learn to drive safer and keep from killing someone in the future.

Business is getting good and now I’m afraid I have no idea how to keep it under control.  I’ve hired two people to help me with stuff and I’m going to be looking for some design students to take on more jobs.  Now I gotta make more money so I can pay my employees AND myself.


Ok, going to get back to work.  See you all later!!

I’m worried about me too Karin :)

it’s been ages since I’ve had time to blog.  I might need a vacation so I can just sit here and blog for hours and hours.  LOL

As usual, I’m working my ass off, making lots of money and it’s all just going to fill in that big hole that someone dug in our financial situation.  I’m hoping that one day I’ll start to see the top of the pile that I’m tossing in there.  In fact I’m very excited about seeing the top of the pile.  I wanna see the top of the pile, take a big bundle of cash off of it, and go buy food and clothes for my mom and family and friends who have been nice enough to bring me stuff when they knew we needed it.

Things are moving up in the world.  I’m going to visit my best friend since 5th grade on Friday.  She’s coming into town for a veterinary conference.  That will be lots of fun.  I should take my geriatric dog who has recently begun to fall apart and see if they need “guinea pig” for things that will make her a happier dog.  She’s starting to get some odd things on her…it’s a bit disturbing.  On the priority scale, she’s like fifth in line for a doctor.  She’ll be ok, I’m tending to most of it myself.  Mostly skin stuff that is easily remedied with some attention and some tar shampoo. 

Hubby is definitely not compatible with me.  It’s just the way it is.  And I was dealing with the whole situation really well after some vigorous yoga sessions but it’s been 3 weeks and I’m starting to slip back into being mad at him for the entire time he’s in the house.  That could have a little bit to do with him going and buying scotch after having not had any in months (or so he says).  What the hell does he need that shit for if he went that far without it?  What a waste.  He’s also gotten in trouble at work for doing things that are blatantly against the rules and gets pissed at the people who discovered it when he gets caught.  It’s amazing…if you listen to him, the whole world is out to screw him over.

Oh well.  Things are pretty much still the same as usual relationship-wise.  The relationship is dead, it just hasn’t laid down and stopped breathing yet.

*sigh*

…gotta get back to work now.  See you all later! 

really quick update

ok, I have 3.5 minutes so let’s get you up to speed:

• hubby and I had a very positive chat a week or more ago (who can tell, time seems to fold over itself here)
• hubby relapsed within days and had to be told off, I mean, chatted with again.
• power was turned off in house had to go to moms (they actually get all bent out of shape when you don’t pay the bill!!)
• hubby relapsed again
• spent 3 days at moms with crabby hubby and crazy brother
• got money, paid light bill
• found out internet was being turned off
• got money, paid internet bill
• hubby relapses again and has to be told this isn’t worth it and I’m so over the bullshit that I just don’t even want to waste my energy on the relationship anymore
• ten minutes later hubby is talking to me like nothing happened and wants to know if we can be friends again.  I’m not sure I responded to that but he seems to think we are friends again.

This is a basic rundown of events but you get the idea…shit here is not fun, I’m worn out…and yet I’m still optimistic.  I refuse to give up.  I just keep going down the wrong paths apparently
I do wish I could find the right path.

I’ll just have to keep looking.

:)

Updates from the land of chaos

Things here are the same, pretty much.  I’m building my business and working on providing enough income to support myself and the girls.  And the dog, cat and turtles.  Probably the saltwater tank since it’s been reduced to one for now.  The girls and I will most likely be at moms again in a day or so, since the power here will be getting shut off.  Never a dull day here.  I’m juggling two major clients, a handful of small ones and some big internal projects…I’m psyched and moving forward, despite dragging his dead weight.  And no matter how much I make, it’s just not enough.  The hole is too big.  And he’s basically hiding in his office watching YouTube (my 8 year old’s desciption of how dad spends his time, not mine) and bitching about how everyone else is a bunch of lazy, worthless, miserable assholes that are just trying to fuck with him.

*sigh*

Well, all we can do is keep moving forward, right?

I went and had my nails done this weekend after a marketing seminar that I went to.  I hadn’t planned on it, but my mom and the girls were there still when I got done so I met them.  They were having a girls day out (avoiding dad and the cloud of misery) and having quite a good time.   I have day-glo pink nails that you can probably see from 10 miles away.  The girls picked it out.  I love it. 
I spent so much of my life in dark or natural colors…trying to blend into the wall I think.  My Best Friend in KC once commented on how she had no idea I liked bright colors.  I was shocked!  I LOVE bright colors.  I’m gonna go on a wild bright color painting kick before they finally take the house away from us!! LOL  Anyway, I was just shocked but then I thought about it.  She was with me from 5th grade til 9th grade.  Then I moved 2000 miles away.  We’ve seen each other a dozen times since.  All she saw me in was jeans, concert t-shirts and black Members Only jackets (fake ones actually, no WAY my dad would fork over the money to buy me a REAL one).  So she knows me, but she doesn’t know me.

I think that when I started thinking about her not knowing me, and going over all the things she wasn’t aware of about me…I realized I didn’t know myself.  I liked all this stuff, wanted to be all these things…and what was I doing?  Not a fucking bit of it.  I was living someone else’s life!!  Talk about a shock!!

So now my wardrobe is mostly jeans and black pants…some khaki…and lots of bright BRIGHT pink, orange, coral, green, patchwork, rainbow…shirts.  I have one black concert t-shirt.  But it’s from a Journey concert I took my mom to at the PNC Arts Center in NJ a while back.  So, it’s not like a Deep Purple, Lynyrd Skynyrd, or Slayer black T-shirt.  It just doesn’t have the attitude.  I have some white ones too…but those are mostly horse product tshirts I got when volunteering at shelters.  Everyone wanted the dog and cat stuff, so I took all the horse stuff…worked for me.


I’ve got the itch for some bright pink Manic Panic in my hair again too…not the whole thing, but maybe just the underneath part in the back…or some tips.

My inner artist is out.  It’s loose.  It’s free!!!!  And it’s gonna paint some fucking thing soon or it’s gonna go nuts!! LOL

I have to go get some work done…I’ll try to get back in here more often.  It’s hard but I miss my blogtherapy…I think I NEED my blogtherapy.

:)

I am developing a disturbing dislike for

members of the opposite sex.  I can not believe that every man out there is insensitive, selfish, thoughtless, irresponsible, and is only motivated to be nice when he thinks he might have a chance at getting laid…BUT I’m getting close to believing.

I hope when this is all over, I can find a way to get rid of that feeling.  It really does suck to feel so negatively about people based only on the fact that they have a penis.

And yes, I see no way this relationship can be recovered.  I’ve emotionally divorced him at this point and it’s the only thing that has made life bearable.  Being pissed off all the time was just exhausting.  Now, I just don’t care.  I’ve had 2 WTF moments with him in the last week and they were honestly the final straw.  I might get into it around PMS time if I feel the need to vent but right now let’s just say I’ve seen where I stand in his list of priorities.

And I’m not amused by what I saw.

I pretty much rank after the advertisement papers in the Sunday newspaper.  I do hope he’ll be happy when those are the only thing he has to speak to in the future.

Ok, I’m taking my crabby ass to bed.

nite all!

:)

Thinking too much

Mom told me I was thinking too much the other day. She might be right. Maybe. But I’m not guaranteeing it.

I have been on autopilot for too many years, so I can afford to over think things. Right? Besides, it seems my over thinking how I’m treated freaks out certain members of previous generations. It’s like my feeling as if I shouldn’t have to put up with being ignored (you KNOW what you did is written all over the few dirty looks I get) or with my life and my kids lives being scattered into chaos everytime someone else wants to be a drama queen (”he IS the husband you know…they get like that” is the comments that are given as excuses).

I am also officially on the shit list for voicing my opinion about my father-in-law the other day. Hubby’s mom had the nerve to say “He doesn’t mean to be mean and make “hubby” upset. It’s just the way he is.” To which I replied, “His way IS to be mean and make “hubby” upset.” I’m not sure she actually spoke to me after that. I was too busy getting the kids stuff together to get out of there. Hey, when you turn out three totally fucked up kids…OCD, SuperDramaQueen Syndrome, EverythingIsEveryoneElse’sFault Syndrome, and IMUSThavealcohol/drugsOrICan’tCope Syndrome then maybe, just MAYBE, your “ways” are really fucked up.

I really don’t give a shit how things were done in the old days, in the old country or in anything else old. If something does not work, it does not work. And shit was done the way it was done because no one knew better! Life is about learning and growing. We have one generation out there expecting people to do their jobs and be responsible as far as the neighbors can tell, but in private they expect to be able to take out their frustrations on their wives and children and abuse them physically and sexually, and expect them to not tell what happens at home. Those kids grew up to be even more emotionally detached from the world and needed drugs just to cope with the act of working and raising a family. And then their kids grew up to say “I care about you as much as my parents and society cared about me! Which is to say, “Fuck off! Leave me alone, I’ll take what I want and if you or I die in the process, then it’s not big deal cause we aren’t worth that much anyway.”

It’s not rocket science to see that each generation effects the next. We are products of the environment we grew up in. Who we are inside determines how we handle the information we receive. Some people grow up in an abusive atmoshere and totally shut down, take their blows and then grow up to repeat the cycle. Others take the blows and grow up to be so bitter and pissed off that no one came in to save them that they go out and randomly kill a bunch of people when the bitterness has warped their minds enough. And yet some other people take their blows while plotting a way out, escape, and learn from the experience. They make sure that their children are raised in a loving, open environment.

I can see in hubby and his brother and sister, how each coped with an abusive environment and how it shaped them into who they are now.

I can see how my brother and I coped with our abusive environment and how each of us turned out.
All five people are so completely and incredibly different…and yet, if each one was to learn a bit about coping with stressful situations and were to put some effort into learning how to undo the crap the lies they were taught, they’d be much much happier people.  It wouldn’t take much effort…just a desire to be a better healthier person.

I include myself in there. I think I’ve come a long way in learning that my dad was NOT right and that I’m way more capable than he implied. BUT I still have that trigger in my head that pulls me back and feeds me doubt when I go into situations…sort of like Pavlov’s dogs…I’m all gung-ho til I hit the bell…and then I doubt myself and my talent and I have to work hard to kick that nay-sayers ass…I can do it, but I need to keep looking for a better way to do it. There has to be something that I’ve not found yet that would completely eliminate it.

I’m working hard on making a change, and there is no “trying” really…I have no choice in the matter. I have two little girls that will some day grow up and be in a relationship…and it’s my job to teach them the difference between a healthy relationship and a sick one. And it’s my job to teach them how to tell the difference and that they have the right to leave it if it’s unhealthy. I hope they are learning during our own trials over here, I’m sure they see most of what is going on. I don’t hide my emotions, I think it’s perfectly ok for people to feel what they feel. All that hiding stuff…it’s a recipe for disaster. It teaches kids to hide other things and that is just too scary to consider.

You get what you expect out of life

Or at least I think that is right.

It’s very hard to trust someone when you aren’t sure which “personality” you are going to get.  It’s very hard to be married to someone like that.  I want to believe that I could be positive and expect great things and that all would be fine and my world would just be wonderful.  I really do.  I just can’t seem to convince myself to feel that with my whole heart any more.

I’m not sure if I don’t feel that way because events are starting to shift or if events are starting to shift because I feel that way.  I made a comment a while back that maybe his drinking wasn’t the problem really.  Maybe the problem was my expectations of what would occur when he drank.  Then that little voice in my head that can’t be shut up calls me a stupid asshole for thinking something so incredibly ignorant.

I will acknowledge that he has made great progress in the way of self discovery and in motivating himself.  That I can not deny.  But just because he’s made progress, does that mean that I should put up with being treated like I’m either offensive or only here to cater to his needs.  I don’t think so.  I’m afraid the only feelings I have for him any more are resentment and pity.  I do not respect him, he’s entirely to manipulative for that.  I don’t like him, he’s only concerned for his own feelings and who wants to spend time with someone like that?

Could these feelings be temporary?  Is this some sort of stage you go through?  Total hell > Progress > Set back towards hell again > progress > set back > progress > finally reaching the goal!  Or is it just the way it’s going to be forever?  I can’t remain in a relationship with someone who I don’t respect and who doesn’t respect me, who I don’t like being around, who pushes my buttons just to get me upset (and enjoys it, it seems), and who is just so negative so often that the future can only be a dismal existence with much bickering or totally living on other ends of the house (like his parents do).
I don’t want this to be over but I do.  I also don’t want to change someone else.  But this is not the person I married.  I feel like I got my luggage mixed on a trip…I left with the bright happy adventurous set of Samsonite luggage that could never be harmed, and I came back to find all my belongings in the Wal-Mart duffle bags that are being held together by duct tape.

I’m not sure what to do.  I’m very confused over if I should face the facts and just end it.   It’s a horrible example for my kids to see us this way.

Ok, I had to get that out before I just burst into tears.  I have to work so there is no time for that.  Thanks for listening.

:)

Accountability

Ok, so I briefly touched on the fact that my brother has moved down here.  I also displayed my feelings about the fact that he’s 6 hours from his children.  He was “technically” closer when he lived 1800 miles away, it only took 2 hours to fly there.  He also does not pay child support, which is just about the lowest thing you can do.  He can, however, put money into a giant piece of junk car (hubby calls it the Pet Detective car) and buy paintball supplies, and beer (LOTS O FREAKING BEER) and music and and and you get the picture.  He’s a selfish bastard just like my father.  And while he learned it from him, he’s worse than my father for continuing the cycle of greed and abuse.  He’s all about “dominating the smaller species”, “controlling the situation” and other big red flag type phrases…so while I think he’s a loser for not being closer to his kids, they are most likely better off without him.
BUT…in the meantime, MY kids are being subjected to him!  My kids love him.  He’s like a big kid to them.  He’s all about playing and having fun…unless you get out of line, then he’s gotta put you in your place (which he wouldn’t dare to touch one of my kids but he’s always reprimanding them which gets me telling him to shut the hell up and mind his own business).  I don’t want him near my kids.  My husband agrees.  But, he’s freaking impossible to keep out of our house.  He just shows up.  He’s just there.  Like the guy in Mr. Deeds.  It’s scary.  And he doesn’t get it.  I think there might actually be something wrong with his ability to comprehend.  Perhaps it has something to do with drinking a case of beer a day?

So.  He’s here and I’ve gone totally nuts.  I was bitching and complaining…and then…I wondered.  I wondered WHY he bothered me so much.  Like abnormally much.

Was it that he was also going to be a burden on my mom.  She was obviously effected by his presence.  Or was his lack of responsibility what bothered me.  I keep telling my mom he needs to grow up.  He needs to be an adult.  He needs to…blah, blah, blah.

Well.  I got what I deserved I guess.  This week we really hit rock bottom.  We totally ran out of money.  So my mom went and bought us groceries and I’m like…oh my God!  I’m bitching about my brother not being responsible and my mother is buying me groceries so I can feed my kids!  That is like the pot calling the kettle black!  I’m just as bloody irresponsible as he is!

Now, when I got past my whole week of major hormone blasts and the shock of him showing up…I also got over feeling like I am anything like my brother.  While it is true that my mom bought us groceries (and then put gas in my van so I could get home from gymnastics), I did support her for a good many years after she left my dad.  I also work my ass off and spend my money on things like food for my kids, electricity, gas to get them to gymnastics (and I barter that, so no money needed there).  I don’t go buy saddles and horses and other such equine based items.  And when my ex and I got divorced, I sent money before we finalized it since my son stayed at the house and I moved out to an apartment near work - it’s just the right thing to do.

So I depressed myself by thinking I was like him, and then realized I might have been a bit harsh about the whole thing.  And this goes with my “get it out so I can’t bully myself with this crap anymore” philosophy.  When something starts to eat at me, you all are gonna get a front row seat for the outing…I have too much to do in this world to be bothered by such trivial garbage.
So what if I am a tad broke this week.  I’ll fix it.  I have been busy spending time getting our school schedule set up, and getting adapted to our new gymnastics schedule…I haven’t been actively annoying my regular clients so they give me jobs to make me go away for a week. 


Ok, I’m so tired I have the shakes.  I think that is the official stopping point.

See you happy campers tomorrow.

nite. 

Reevaluation

Every once in a while I need to stop and reevaluate what is going on and how I’m handling it. I’m afraid I’m not handling it too well this week. I have a million excuses but I’m tired of hearing excuses come out of me so I’m just going to skip that part.

Hubby has had a crappy week of work, and is frustrated by the limitations he’s creating. He says he knows that he’s the reason he has problems with some aspects of his job, and they are very unreasonable excuses. For his job he has to call “warm” leads (they sent in a request for information, had to fill out a handful of questions, etc.) and make an appointment to go discuss their options further. It should be fairly simple. But he freezes up on the phone. He can talk to anyone in the world face to face, but the phone makes him nervous. He’s got to work through it, not me, but that is what he’s battling this week. He also wants to move his desk and things to the girls playroom…which is going to get ugly when the girls figure out he’s stealing their space. And he’s going to be a nitpicky pain in the ass about what is in there so he can avoid making calls…I’m gonna have to nip that in the bud right away or it will be one shitty day tomorrow.

I’m not going to say that I won’t be happy to have my office back again. Sharing it with someone who can’t make necessary calls when you are in there so you have to leave, listens to music so loud that you can’t hear your own music (and he’s wearing your headset so you have to listen to yours out loud), taps on the desk constantly, makes noises, talks to himself and then falls asleep and snores, just is not a very good setting when you are trying like hell to finish jobs that require your brain to be able to focus.
I might be able to focus a little better once I have peace and quiet again (as I say this the dog started snoring so loud she woke herself up LOL ).

Of course, I could just be using that as an excuse. But I am accomplishing a lot the last week so I don’t really need an excuse.

I’m going to go finish my latest site so I can go to bed. See you all later!

:)

I got my motivation…

I need to work on it more though.  And I’m just plain wiped out tonight.  I spent a few hours sitting on the ground listening to Native American music and watching dancers.  We also walked around and looked at crafts and jewelry.  And after a good healthy smudging…I’m really in need of a long nights sleep.

I did have a vision tonight.  Perhaps a vision of what is to come.  Or maybe it was my own inner strength making an appearance.  I had an experience that touched me in a way that my only possible reaction was to cry, much to the confusion of others who noticed.  I also discovered that these are the people I need to be among.  I need it like a body needs air. I felt like I was where I belonged.  I felt an enormous amount of peace.  I’d like to live that feeling, not just visit it once a year.

I have a lot of building up of my self esteem to do and a lot of decisions to make.  It is painfully clear that he has no intention of stopping drinking, he was reeking of alcohol when I picked him up tonight. So much so that my mom, who was in the back of the van, asked me if he’d been drinking (once she’d gotten home and could IM me without him blowing up).  He also kept asking me if I was actually coming to bed tonight.  That alone shows how much he had to drink.  I’ve not gone in there for days because he’s just venomous and the negativity is oozing out of him AND I’m not really fond of the idea of sleeping in the same bed with a person who despises me and thinks I’m a horrible bitch who is responsible for all our woes…for some reason though last night in the middle of the night I wandered in to the bed.  I think I ended up in there purely to see how great our new mattress was  He totally despises and can’t seem to bitch enough about it.  Personally, I thought it was very comfortable.  I told him so.  Then he went on about how we need to buy one of those sleep number beds…and I’m thinking, “yeah right Buddy!  We need to spend money on filing for a divorce and counseling for our kids.  Not a fucking bed!”

Ok, I’m losing my feeling that I had before.  I need to keep it in order to accomplish what I want tonight.  I really think a door was opened tonight.  One that I’ve had locked for so long that I had forgotten it was there.  And it was the kind of door that only a stranger would even dare to unlock.

The possible repercussions are just too great for some people I know.

I’m getting delirious now.  I’m going to bed.  See you tomorrow.
 
:)

I guess the only one who is going to get me out of this hell is me

God, that sucks.  These last few weeks have been busy and surreal.  The more I work, the worse he gets.  The more I feel good about me, the more he attacks me.  Tonight was the kicker though.  And I honestly think I’m just provoking him now to get him to fucking leave already.  But the girls were crying and he was breaking things and it’s just gone too far.  I had him at the fucking door, he was finally getting out and then the girls were just so fucking upset that I took them to their room and somehow the bastard is still here!  He’s passed out in his chair in the living room.  What the hell????

He was just freaking spewing hate at me tonight, I was really actually scared at one point but refused to walk away because he just pushed me over the edge.  He detests me.  He didn’t lose hundreds of thousands of our money..it was HIS money so I have some big balls to dare throw that in his face.  This is after he blasted me for only making $1000 this month and said that I hadn’t made any money in our whole relationship (hey fucko!! I quit a $40,000 a year plus benefits and retirement to stay home because YOU wanted me to!!!) Oh, and did I mention I was there for 5 years?  Paying HIS house bills.  Paying for HIS car.  Paying the bills he refused to open because he couldn’t pay them.  I was so fucking stupid.  If I hadn’t gotten the girls from this relationship I’d say it was a major mistake, but I can’t imagine the thought of existing without either of these awesome kids.

Well, after the first half of our war, he went and punched a hole in the bathroom door.  Actually it’s a dent, but it’s a very old door, somewhat solid and has a full-door sized mirror on the other side. He’s fucking lucky that didn’t break.  Then he smashed a cup all over the bathroom.  I took pics this time.  I also caught the towel rack that he ripped off the wall and his stack of Playboys that he refuses to put out of view of the girls in my pics.  just in case i forget these things.  It’s good to have a reminder.

Damage he did to the door (old, heavy duty door) when  he was mad at me.

Broken plastic cup he blasted to bits when he threw it at the door.  (Heavy duty plastic cup from our pizzeria)

 

More bits of plastic cup

So, he also says I spend all my time on the computer.  (wrong)  He says I neglect my kids so I can sit in here and do “whatever it is I do” on my computer.  (wrong)  He says I’m selfish and that I’m the most selfish motherfucker out there ( I do believe those were his exact words) and then told me I am just like my father (which would have been an attempt to hurt my feelings) and just like my mother (another attempt, I think) and then he just kept on fluctuating between calling me names and daring me to keep attacking him!  I told him he drank too much, that was me attacking him.  Obviously, on his planet, that warrants scaring the fuck out of your kids, coming within an inch of taking your wife’s head off (and sacrificing the door and an innocent cup instead) and walking out on your family (although somehow he never got out the door and passed out 3 ft from it in a chair instead).

Stack of Playboys, right in view of kids

And this whole time I’m thinking he’s insane.  He’s flipped his fucking lid.  But he hits the right buttons, because within 10 minutes I’m in tears in the girls room and can’t stop them from coming, and the girls are now sufficiently freaked out…and i kept trying to tell them it was ok, but I can’t stop crying…what if I am a horrible mom?  What if I am selfish and I just don’t know it?  what if I’m making their life worse?  I am so full of doubt about myself right now that I’m crying again.

I have to go make myself a coffee and just get this out of my system.  I’m sure I’ll be back.

Oh, and did I mention I spent friday (my birthday) and saturday puking my guts out with a 102 average fever and he was upset that I didn’t hop off the couch that I was passed out on when he got home to tend to his needs?  Fucker.

Ok, I’m really going for coffee now, just had to get a little pissed to keep it all in perspective.

:)

It’s been a while, sorry

but I thought things were going fairly well.  I’m sure you all could have told me that wasn’t gonna last.

I keep trying to be positive and optimistic but sometimes it’s hard to do.  He made it like 3 days of not drinking.  Which is a lot for him.  But it’s not enough for me.  And yesterday he  totally fell off the wagon.  After doing his usual attack on what I do to earn money the day before.

I just don’t want to keep giving him the time it takes me to bitch about it any more.  It’s like I’m allowing him to control my world even when he’s not here.

I have more work I have to get done.  Although, I’ve not gotten paid in a few weeks.  Yes, go ahead and tell me I’m stupid for doing anything when I’ve not gotten money.  They owe me $600 which is alot but not alot really, BUT I’m getting side jobs from them referring other people which is making more than they owe me so it’s complicated.  And then there is the potential business that we are all working to build.  The whole thing makes sense to me, and he makes me doubt it.  Then I write it down to try to make myself just give it all up and I see that maybe I shouldn’t be doubting myself.  I am making money, it’s just that he keeps finding every little point he can that isn’t going quite as smooth as I like.  Then he fucking harps on it til I blow up.

He’s still saying I don’t contribute to the bills.  As in, I haven’t contributed in the whole 8 years since I stopped working for the publisher.  I don’t really think I need to show financial statements with both our earnings and what goes where to my fucking husband.  I think he truly believes that I haven’t made anything at all.  Which is fucking infuriating.  His career choices have cost us almost everything we own/owned AND he can’t recognize when I’m bringing money in without me fucking posting it on the fridge daily.

As much as I think I hate this man, i keep coming up with excuses for him and actually trying to make myself like him again.  I keep thinking that because he’s not physically abusive that I have no grounds for being so mad.  But I can no longer focus on anything because he’s gotten me so freaking distracted, constantly, for so many years.  I started actually hitting that point where I could concentrate and it was so odd.

I have to go feed kids, i’ll try to come back in a while.  I’m sure I have loads to vent about

Everyday I feel the threads of my sanity snapping…one by one…

So…after a relatively busy day with the munchkins…gymnastics, shopping, etc…we come home to find his laptop on the front porch.  By itself.  Hrmmmmmm….

The door is locked and his computer is outside just sitting on the porch, which is not normal, no matter how odd things are around here.  So I unlock the door and he’s in the chair passed out.

GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR.

After asking the drunken asshole why he left his computer outside, I almost freaked when he told me he had to break in cause he didn’t have a key.

Alright, at this point, I need Xanex.

After unloading groceries and putting everything away, getting girls in bed and the animals all sorted with dinner…I have to go find out how he “broke in”.

I found nothing.  So I went and not so nicely poked him in the side and asked exactly how he broke in.  He said he came in the garage door.  GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR.  He had me searching windows inside and out to figure out how the hell he broke in and he used the keypad to open the garage door and come in that way.  He’s lucky he didn’t wake up to being beaten with a laptop.  Which, by the way, I brought inside.  I was contemplating leaving it outside but then realized that when he had to shell out $800 for a dead or missing laptop, it would be coming out of my pocket too.

My hormones are raging these last few days.  Like I can feel them surging at times.  It’s scary.  He better hope my period starts soon, that’s all I’m saying.

I keep having these bizarre thoughts that I should try to be nicer to him…I should help him out once in a while.  But then he comes home drunk and all I want to do is ship him off…anywhere, I could care less…so I can focus on the important things in life…like the kids.  I’m so frustrated and upset by him that the kids suffer and it’s not freaking right.  It’s like he gets bonus points from some testosterone God for making our lives so chaotic that I can’t focus.

Well, I’m getting control on that, it’s just really hard when I have serious major PMS. But I’m still trying.

Alright, I think I’m actually tired enough to sleep, even with all the snoring (including mine, I’m sure I do it too).

Have a great night!!

:)

Someone remind me why I need him around?

Today I unloaded cut firewood from my truck, went to vacuum and wash it out since it was full of sawdust and other kid related debris, cleaned the filter in the turtle tank (can you say, “EWWWWW”?), cleaned the pool filter, figured out why the automatic pool vacuum wasn’t working (he turned the valve off), made construction paper turkeys and a paper chain (ok, mom did most of the chain), made dinner, did countless dishes from breakfast, lunch and dinner, sat and watched 10 minutes of “Coming to America” with him and the girls (to keep him from getting them all hyper before bed), put the girls in bed, cleaned the kitchen, fixed his computer and did laundry. I’m sure I missed a few things. Oh, like getting 25 gallons of water from the kiosk down the street. And picking up doggie land mines in the back yard.

Where was he for most of this? On his ass watching tv and ignoring his family or out with a friend looking at restaurants (which I sure as fuck hope he doesn’t plan on trying to buy - I’ve had just about enough of that bullshit from this area). He came home drunk. Asked me 40 times what the kids were eating (as I’m trying to cook he insists on bobbing and wobbling around me “planning” the meal I’m already half done making). then he passed out on his chair for 30 minutes while I cooked and was all confused as to why I was in a bad mood.

I’m really trying to get past this being pissed off all the time, but I’m afraid that until I get the nerve to tell him to just not come home again…I’m not gonna be able to do it. I keep trying though..
Ok, so…If I did all that shit myself, then why do I need him?

Money? No.

Sex? Ever try to have sex with a drunk person? Unless you are drunk too, it’s not any fun. And I established a “get drunk and miss out on sex for the next 12 hours” rule a long long time ago.

Conversation? HA!!! Don’t make me laugh.

I’ve run out of reasons why I really need him. And I frequently feel the overwhelming urge to just hit him with something. Frying pan…bag of cat food…whatever. I’m not picky. I do try not to hate him, but I’m just not able to convince myself that it’s worth trusting, believing or even just trying to have a normal day with him. I’m always disappointed.

For some reason I’m really tired.  Gonna get to bed so I can wake up early and start all over again.  See you happy campers tomorrow.

:)

to make this more relevant to my own life…

as opposed to bitching about all this external stuff

Things here are the same.  He’s a drunk, I’m working my ass off to earn money to get us out of the $200,000+ hole that he dug, and teaching the kids and cleaning the house, and fixing all the shit he’s broken when he’s drunk.  I’m tired, worn out and all my latest bitchings have been a result I think.  I’m a crabby bitch.  Plus I’ve had no jobs come in in a few days so I’ve had time on my hands.  Time is sometimes a bad thing.  I’ve had time to stop and look around.  And I don’t like what I see.

My office is almost clean but I don’t like how it’s set up.  Me being pushed into a corner with my computer not visible by anyone who happens to stop by (see previous post for why) has me a bit closterphobic.  The kitchen is a lost freaking cause.  I clean it, he comes by and destroys it.  He thinks he’s at work.  He actually sweeps the crap off the counter and onto the floor.  Like the dishwasher (guy not machine) is gonna come by with a broom and get it, and later mop down the whole room to grab the grease that hit the floor too.  He makes messes, bitches when it’s dirty and doesn’t do a fucking thing to help clean it.  Our bedroom?  I think Meg’s ex and my husband must be related to a degree.  While he’s big on personal hygiene, he’s a fucking slob with his clothes and items that came out of his pockets.  His side of the bed has a pile of underwear and socks that the dog keeps pushing under the bed.  They are starting to come out under my side of the bed now.   And he has the balls to bitch at me cause he can’t find underwear.  DUH!  The kids side of the house is almost a losing battle, but I refuse to give in there.  They will learn to keep their space at least sort of clean dammit!!  I will not let them go out into the world thinking that they aren’t worth living in a clean environment.  I’m not talking spotless.  I’m not talking about living without some small piles here and there.  I’m talking about not living with food from last night that got dropped on the floor and no one noticed, or mentioned to me so I could clean it.  I’m talking about not leaving a pile of toys and going to find a new pile of toys to drop on the floor.  I’m talking about having a floor that you can see, that is clean and knowing where your bed ends and the pile of toys begins. My kids and I are all learning how to take care of a house at the same time.  I’m not great at it, but I’m getting better every day.  That’s all anyone can do.  So I don’t beat myself up over it.

ok, gotta go clean now that I’m thinking about it.  The DirectTV guy is coming to see why one of the tv’s only gets some channels when it’s in the mood.

I’ll be back later,

:)

Pretending to be a human

Mom and I went out today and planned on getting coffee and a roll at the bakery/coffee company by the fabric store that we were headed to.  But the bakery was closed.  Not closed like it hadn’t opened yet.  It was closed.  Period.  Ceiling tiles hanging, outdoor furniture askew…I’m not sure when it happened but it’s a shame.  I did enjoy it the few times I was in there.  It was like a refreshing blast of civilization.  Oh well.  We went to the Barnes and Noble instead.  There is a Starbucks in there where I could at least get a civilized cup of cappucino.  We realized upon entering that we were really there without kids.  We could LOOK at books.  We could read more than the cover review without someone begging to be taken to the kids section or the bathroom.  I also realized that there was a long haired dude…oh yeah, my senses are returning, it would appear.  Now, don’t go thinking I’m out scouting for some fun.  I’ve no intention of ever going that route, but it was just so odd to be aware of a member of the opposite sex.  (and it might be my imagination…but he seemed to be quite aware that I was there as well.  He walked by where we were throughout the store approximately 15 times.  I never see B&N employees walking around that much…or maybe I just never noticed).  So, I’m feeling like…maybe there is some fucking hope for a pleasant life.  I could even get some friends if I didn’t have the fear of being embarrassed to death by the drunk.

I have a million thoughts going through my head right now, but I’m distracted by him having the girls outside with their bikes and I’m really hoping he doesn’t look in my van and see McDonalds wrappers all over.  He’s given the order (in his mostly manly “I’m the king of this castle” voice) that his children are not to have garbage food in their system.  I say, a little junk in moderation is just fine.  Especially when I’m fucking working and cleaning and running them to ballet, gymnastics and whatever else we have to do for school.  I don’t have time to cook a freaking balanced meal three times a day and get everything he expects from me done AND earn the money that we need to support our incredibly out of balance lifestyle.  So, I’m torn between letting him see it, having him confront me and me just getting it out and telling him to stuff his opinion up his ass…and going out and cleaning it while he’s not looking.  God.  You know what?  I’m a bloody wuss.  In print it just looks so much worse than I’ve been rationalizing it all.  I’m going to go hide what I do so he won’t be upset?  EVERYTHING I DO UPSET HIM…Who am I kidding, really?

Ok, they are calling me out to see them ride bikes…I’ll be back later if time permits.

:)

Self doubt

Meg mentioned something about men that make you doubt yourself.  I really hate it when I realize how much he’s made me doubt myself.  And I’m still doubting myself.  Do I want to make an effort to get our relationship back in some salvagable form?  Is it possible?  Is it worth it?  Can my hatred for him actually be hatred for myself being so stupid?

Sometimes I look at him and think, maybe it’s really been me this whole time.  Then he says something like “Don’t give me any of that crap about you working 24/7, as far as I’m concerned you’ve been retired for years!”  and he says it in front of the kids and my mom just after I’ve come in from making $300 for designing a website template for someone.  I was embarrassed to have my kids see their father be so ignorant and I was feeling pretty sure of myself and he’s damned lucky I didn’t gouge his eyes out with a rusty soup spoon.

Yeah, I know, I’ve ranted about that before.  Oh…you want a new one?  How about “It’s friday morning and you are the mom, and you are SUPPOSED to make me breakfast just because it’s friday and you are the mom.”  Yes, he’s a fucking asshole.  BUT then my beautiful daughter says, “You aren’t doing anything.  Why don’t you make us breakfast?  Mom has to teach us before she goes in to work.  Yes, it would make more sense for you to make us breakfast.”

For some reason he thinks I set them up for those type of comments.  But the little darlings come up with it all on their own!! LOL

They aren’t gonna be depending on any neanderthalish man if i can help it.

Next step is to put my money where my mouth is and just tell him to go live with his mommy if he needs someone to take care of him so badly.  I’m not his maid, his cook or his fucking verbal punching bag.  I’ve had enough.

Now if I only had the nerve….

ok, bedtime.  Night all!!

he’s still employed…what a circus up there!

just updating on his employment situation.  I’m exhausted so this won’t be too long.

He went up knowing that they were going to cut his pay, eliminate his job, etc…had his meeting and managed to walk out at the end with no changes being made to his job.  Not quite sure how long that will last, as the boss is unstable as hell.  We shall see.

I am still happy with my job.  I did an interesting thing today.  For the first time in ages I went and did some job related research.  I was reading and researching on how to improve my own abilities.  It was so cool. 


Well, I’m experiencing that very not-so-wonderful time of the month, I’m an evil bitch, I’m tired, and I’m just dying to go get under some blankets.  So…I will see you happy peoples tomorrow.

‘nite

:)

he’s off to get fired…or resign…or something

what a freaking exciting thing to drive an hour for, huh?

This guy that the hubby works for is just such a selfish, ignorant bastard.  I can see that karma is at work with this guy but as it’s causing everyone around him grief, it does suck. But, I’m not so sure the people being effected by his poor judgement, lack of morals are all so innocent.  I mean, really, does my hubby have a history of being a caring, ethical human without a blemish of selfishness or greed on his record?  HAHAHAHA!  Yeah, right.  The thought is quite hilarious.

I think what I’m getting at here is that while the scumboss is dishing out shit, the people who are receiving the shit could very well have dished out their own shit in the past and could possibly just be in line to receive that shit back.  Now, I’m not saying that I haven’t dished out my own shit (yes, I have some points in my past that I’d just as soon say I never was there for, but I was.  I own up to it, and I regret it.  I don’t think that makes me immune to getting paid back for it though) and could possibly just be getting my just desserts.  But, the kids don’t deserve this…of course, they don’t deserve any of the hell they’ve had to watch from the sidelines these last few years.  I’m not sure where I stand on kids and karma…I think that they are supposed to be absorbing all this and using it as a learning tool when they are old enough to understand what is going on.  Maybe?  I don’t know.  All I do know is that getting mad won’t help.  The only thing that can be done (so we can keep moving forward) is to channel the energy and frustration into something productive.

Ok, it’s early, I’m freezing my rear end off (it’s 60 degrees!!  it was in the 80’s 2 days ago!!) and the kids are getting up and want breakfast.  I’ll see you happy people later.

:)