It’s been a while, sorry

but I thought things were going fairly well.  I’m sure you all could have told me that wasn’t gonna last.

I keep trying to be positive and optimistic but sometimes it’s hard to do.  He made it like 3 days of not drinking.  Which is a lot for him.  But it’s not enough for me.  And yesterday he  totally fell off the wagon.  After doing his usual attack on what I do to earn money the day before.

I just don’t want to keep giving him the time it takes me to bitch about it any more.  It’s like I’m allowing him to control my world even when he’s not here.

I have more work I have to get done.  Although, I’ve not gotten paid in a few weeks.  Yes, go ahead and tell me I’m stupid for doing anything when I’ve not gotten money.  They owe me $600 which is alot but not alot really, BUT I’m getting side jobs from them referring other people which is making more than they owe me so it’s complicated.  And then there is the potential business that we are all working to build.  The whole thing makes sense to me, and he makes me doubt it.  Then I write it down to try to make myself just give it all up and I see that maybe I shouldn’t be doubting myself.  I am making money, it’s just that he keeps finding every little point he can that isn’t going quite as smooth as I like.  Then he fucking harps on it til I blow up.

He’s still saying I don’t contribute to the bills.  As in, I haven’t contributed in the whole 8 years since I stopped working for the publisher.  I don’t really think I need to show financial statements with both our earnings and what goes where to my fucking husband.  I think he truly believes that I haven’t made anything at all.  Which is fucking infuriating.  His career choices have cost us almost everything we own/owned AND he can’t recognize when I’m bringing money in without me fucking posting it on the fridge daily.

As much as I think I hate this man, i keep coming up with excuses for him and actually trying to make myself like him again.  I keep thinking that because he’s not physically abusive that I have no grounds for being so mad.  But I can no longer focus on anything because he’s gotten me so freaking distracted, constantly, for so many years.  I started actually hitting that point where I could concentrate and it was so odd.

I have to go feed kids, i’ll try to come back in a while.  I’m sure I have loads to vent about