You get what you expect out of life

Or at least I think that is right.

It’s very hard to trust someone when you aren’t sure which “personality” you are going to get.  It’s very hard to be married to someone like that.  I want to believe that I could be positive and expect great things and that all would be fine and my world would just be wonderful.  I really do.  I just can’t seem to convince myself to feel that with my whole heart any more.

I’m not sure if I don’t feel that way because events are starting to shift or if events are starting to shift because I feel that way.  I made a comment a while back that maybe his drinking wasn’t the problem really.  Maybe the problem was my expectations of what would occur when he drank.  Then that little voice in my head that can’t be shut up calls me a stupid asshole for thinking something so incredibly ignorant.

I will acknowledge that he has made great progress in the way of self discovery and in motivating himself.  That I can not deny.  But just because he’s made progress, does that mean that I should put up with being treated like I’m either offensive or only here to cater to his needs.  I don’t think so.  I’m afraid the only feelings I have for him any more are resentment and pity.  I do not respect him, he’s entirely to manipulative for that.  I don’t like him, he’s only concerned for his own feelings and who wants to spend time with someone like that?

Could these feelings be temporary?  Is this some sort of stage you go through?  Total hell > Progress > Set back towards hell again > progress > set back > progress > finally reaching the goal!  Or is it just the way it’s going to be forever?  I can’t remain in a relationship with someone who I don’t respect and who doesn’t respect me, who I don’t like being around, who pushes my buttons just to get me upset (and enjoys it, it seems), and who is just so negative so often that the future can only be a dismal existence with much bickering or totally living on other ends of the house (like his parents do).
I don’t want this to be over but I do.  I also don’t want to change someone else.  But this is not the person I married.  I feel like I got my luggage mixed on a trip…I left with the bright happy adventurous set of Samsonite luggage that could never be harmed, and I came back to find all my belongings in the Wal-Mart duffle bags that are being held together by duct tape.

I’m not sure what to do.  I’m very confused over if I should face the facts and just end it.   It’s a horrible example for my kids to see us this way.

Ok, I had to get that out before I just burst into tears.  I have to work so there is no time for that.  Thanks for listening.

:)

I think I’m allergic to Florida

My head is leaking.

My eyes are swollen.

I just sneezed so hard and long that my chair rolled across the office.

What did I do today? Clean the attic? Scrub moldy pipes? Any activity that normally induces such reactions?

NO……

I just went to the beach.

Yes, the beach. I spent about 6 hours sitting in the surf on some sand in the Gulf of Mexico.

AND! I have been taking my Claritan!! I hate to imagine what I’d be like without it.
 
Ok, I’m useless and whiney and just need to hide someplace dark so my eyes will stop hurting.

Later taters!

:D

Tuning the piano - this really has nothing to do with pianos or music - just so you don’t think I misled you :)

One of the many Tony Robbins CDs I have mentions something that has been coming to mind a lot lately. He mentions that he has a piano that needs tuning so he calls a piano tuner. The guy comes out and tunes it and then says he’ll be back in a short time. Tony Robbins asks why he’ll be back, didn’t he just tune the piano? The guy says, “Yes, but it’s been out of tune so long that it will slip back to where it was and I’ll need to keep putting it where we want it to stay until it stays on it’s own” (not exact quote but same basic idea).

People who are trying to change ideas, habits, attitudes, thoughts…whatever it is…are like a piano that has been out of tune for a long time.  You get focussed, you push on towards your goal, you start to slip, you make a complete nosedive and then you are back where you started saying, “See? That didn’t work! I can’t do it!”  BUT if you were to pick yourself up, brush yourself off and get back in the saddle with determination and faith that this time you would be able to reach your goal…You would make it farther than last time before you slipped (IF you slip at all).  And each time this happens, you might make it twice as long as the last.  And the possibilities in between “down time” are endless.  So, this is completely hypothetical but…let’s say you spend 2 days being gung-ho about a new project and 30 days in a depressed funk, and then you pull yourself up and you spend 4 days working toward the goal and then slip off for about 15 days….then it’s 8 working days and 7 days of being sort of depressed over the state of things…then it’s 16 days of productive positive steps and 3 days of sitting on the couch watching soap operas…then 32 days of up time, 1 day of down time…  See where this is going?  Each time you picked yourself up and started back towards the goal, you were “tuning the piano”.  And the need for it slowly became less and less and less until it looked more like a half day of sitting in your jammies, eating chocolate ice cream from the carton and reading “Psycho-Cybernetics”  instead of a full blown bout of depression.

I used to make a plan and chart it out and have diagrams and affirmations on post-its all over the house…and then get used to seeing them and not really “see” them and just slide back into my old slump…NOW, I notice I’m going into a slump and think, “Time to tune the piano!” and I am able to get focussed again and keep going on my way towards my goal.

It’s not easy to spot when you begin to slide back into a slump, but I think when you get tired of hearing yourself complain about it and make the decision to put your foot down and make it work for you, then you start to notice. I think it’s really a matter of how bad you want it. Do you want to be successful and happy ENOUGH to pull yourself out of your comfort zone AND AND AND are you willing to do what it takes to STAY OUT of that comfort zone? Are you ready to make a new comfort zone?

I firmly believe that we are all capable of doing whatever it is we want to do. I also believe that we deprive ourselves of what we say we want because it’s a scary thing to leave that area you know so well…even if it is an area of stress, pain, misery, depression…whatever…it’s yours, you know it, it doesn’t change, it’s comfortable!

I’ve put my foot down. I just have to keep putting it back down. And while I seem to be catching myself slipping back into the old habits, at least I’m catching it! I never noticed before. That is progress, I think. Now that I’ve hit that stage, I hope the process of reprogramming myself with good habits will speed up and things will really start to get increasingly better here.

I’m sure they will get better. And I’m afraid it’s going to be me to make the first significant step here cause hubby has way too far to go to be the one to grab hold of the reins and do what needs to be done. He’s trying. He really is. But he’s got a ways to go before he can make it more than a day or two without being ready to give up on himself. And while that sucks, it’s better than having him at the stage where he’s already given up and is inebriated and a liability to our entire future.

I see progress here. I’m very optimistic about it all. We are going to accomplish our dreams…it WILL happen.

Ice skating in Florida

We went ice skating today.  Well, the girls went.  I wanted to but I was afraid I’d fall on my butt in front of 200 homeschoolers.  Yes, I caved into the pressure and didn’t skate with my girls.  I’m an ass.  We are going back and I swear I’m going to do it.  The look of disappointment was too much.  Last week we went to the town pool with friends.  They’ve built this great pool complex complete with a giant water-park sized water slide.  My friend was having a bad day and since we were due to meet at the pool for a homeshool meeting, I called to check on her status.  She informed me at that point that I’d BETTER be bringing my bathing suit.  If she had to get in with her 3 year old, I had just BETTER be going with her.  Tears were on the way, and it seemed like going along with it seemed like a good plan.

Well..let me tell you…I don’t wear a bathing suit in public.  I hate wearing one in my own pool.  I despise what my body has gone and done to itself while I was trying to hide under a rock these last 10 years…BUT I HAD FUN!!  She and I went down the water slide.  The look on my kids faces was worth a million dollars!  MOM WENT DOWN THE SLIDE!!! BAHAHAHAHA!!!!  Good thing they didn’t think of getting the camera out until we’d already done it.  :

Ok, that is better….

I spent over an hour tonight, possibly 2…fixing this blog. The css for the site was borked and making me nuts. It’s been that way for months but tonight it just irked me over the edge.

There were no line breaks!

It was all smooshed up together!

There was no white space!!

It was horrid.

The proper tags were in the source code but not working in the visible page. So, I tore it apart and here were are. My sidebar is a bit “off” but…it’s almost 4am. It can wait til tomorrow.

I was thinking of Solaris being a Night-Owl and how we’ve all corrupted her on so many levels (insert lollies here) , and I was working on CSS and well….my brain started wandering off into where ever it goes when I’m not holding the reins.  I have music playing during this time as well…this is a big part of where this is going, mind you.

So I’m floating in my own virtual petri dish composed of my past memories and the music suddenly snaps me back.  But not back to the present…I am suddenly 16 years old, crawling in the house at 9am, too much makeup, too much hairspray, not enough clothes…and my father is in the kitchen, sees me and says, “Well, look what the cat dragged in”…and being that was one of my favorite songs at the time, I thought it was a compliment.  So I grabbed some toast and took my exhausted, leather and lace clad skinny self up to bed to sleep til it was time to go out later.  Oh, yes, the song that came on was “Look What The Cat Dragged In” by Poison.

This happens all the time (not coming in at 9am after an evening or two of total decadence and debauchery, but the music inspired trips down memory lane).  I’m not sure if it’s normal for anyone else, but it’s very normal for me.  I grew up in music world though, it could just be me.

I have been playing music, singing, and working/married to the music industry…or rather…WAS until I met current hubby.

OO OO OO …    (hang on, shifting gears…)

I’m one of those people who stops what they are doing to announce the current song that just came on.  At least when I like it.  OR it’s really funny.

So Queensryche just came on.  OMG!!  Queensryche and Mindcrime have Wikipedia pages!!!!!  And they recorded Mindcrime in PA??  A couple of hours from where I lived???  (I honestly went to see if I could find the lyrics to what was on so I could copy and paste something but…I got totally sidetracked by that, sorry)

Everybody shift gears again!!

There are two voices that will absolutely meld with my soul while I’m listening to them.  One is my first lust object ever…and it was all because of his voice.  He was nice to look at but, I was 9 when I ‘fell in love with’ Steve Perry.  Both of my daughters are ‘in love with’ Steve Perry.  I swear I had nothing to do with it.  I was totally numb at the point they found my Journey CDs.  I’d quit living, quit listening to music.  So the Steve Perry thing must be genetic.

Anyway, Steve Perry’s voice…I can’t describe what happens.  I feel his voice.  Ok, I’m not even gonna keep trying to explain…I’m sitting here for 5 minutes at time trying to figure out how to describe and indescribable feeling.

The second is Geoff Tate of Queensryche, and it’s the same thing.  That voice just flows through me, it’s like a river of energy…ebbing and flowing in my core.

Now I like Journey, they are talented and they held my hand through tons of breakups, they were the only people in the world who really understood what I was feeling in those moments.  At least that is what I felt at the time.  But Steve Perry is really what made me listen to Journey.  Queensryche?  I could listen to each individual member do their own thing and be thrilled.  The talent in that group is just amazing.  I remember the first time I heard them, their EP had just been released and a friend had it.  I think that might have been the biggest connection between my ex and I.  We can still discuss Queensryche when we do talk.  When he was on the road right after Mindcrime had come out, we’d discuss who did it…it was the most exciting thing to discuss (can you say Red Flag?).  Of course he figured out that Mary had killed herself about the 4th time he listened to the whole thing.  But what really attracted him is where our interests split.  He was hell bent on figuring out how to do the drums for the songs.  We had our little 12 piece Tama set in the guest room and when he was home, he’d head down and just play and play…I can remember him watching a video of one of the songs…and then he started cursing (excitedly), ran downstairs and started banging away.  He had figured out how Scott Rockenfield was doing something he was totally lost on.  (I’m clueless on drums…so I have no idea).  Btw, the ex was not his bands drummer, he was the lead singer…The Flashy, Makeup Wearing, Long Hair, Good Looking Ringleader of his little band of talented misfits.

Wait, how did I get here?  Ah yes, it all started with me having a memory blast due to music.
I have some of the most profound thoughts, revelations, realizations, ideas and discoveries when listening to music.  It doesn’t even have to be good music…just music that moves me.  I like music for the emotion it gives off.  I love Mozart, Journey, Queensryche…all very good musicians.  And while I’m not saying these are bad, they aren’t quite the musical genius level of someone like Rush or Queensryche.  I like listening to fun bands…Poison, Cinderella, LA Guns, Motley Crue, Kix, Tora Tora (I like them, but I REALLY liked Anthony Corder, he was such a sweetie, that might have made their music just a bit more awesome to me)…and there are tons more I’m not even gonna list.
I think I’m way off course now.  It’s 5am.  We’ll have to pick this up tomorrow when I can stay focused.  (I’m sure you’ll all be holding your breath! LOL)

ACK! Motorhead is on…definitely my cue to skidoo…

See you all later!!

:)

Accountability

Ok, so I briefly touched on the fact that my brother has moved down here.  I also displayed my feelings about the fact that he’s 6 hours from his children.  He was “technically” closer when he lived 1800 miles away, it only took 2 hours to fly there.  He also does not pay child support, which is just about the lowest thing you can do.  He can, however, put money into a giant piece of junk car (hubby calls it the Pet Detective car) and buy paintball supplies, and beer (LOTS O FREAKING BEER) and music and and and you get the picture.  He’s a selfish bastard just like my father.  And while he learned it from him, he’s worse than my father for continuing the cycle of greed and abuse.  He’s all about “dominating the smaller species”, “controlling the situation” and other big red flag type phrases…so while I think he’s a loser for not being closer to his kids, they are most likely better off without him.
BUT…in the meantime, MY kids are being subjected to him!  My kids love him.  He’s like a big kid to them.  He’s all about playing and having fun…unless you get out of line, then he’s gotta put you in your place (which he wouldn’t dare to touch one of my kids but he’s always reprimanding them which gets me telling him to shut the hell up and mind his own business).  I don’t want him near my kids.  My husband agrees.  But, he’s freaking impossible to keep out of our house.  He just shows up.  He’s just there.  Like the guy in Mr. Deeds.  It’s scary.  And he doesn’t get it.  I think there might actually be something wrong with his ability to comprehend.  Perhaps it has something to do with drinking a case of beer a day?

So.  He’s here and I’ve gone totally nuts.  I was bitching and complaining…and then…I wondered.  I wondered WHY he bothered me so much.  Like abnormally much.

Was it that he was also going to be a burden on my mom.  She was obviously effected by his presence.  Or was his lack of responsibility what bothered me.  I keep telling my mom he needs to grow up.  He needs to be an adult.  He needs to…blah, blah, blah.

Well.  I got what I deserved I guess.  This week we really hit rock bottom.  We totally ran out of money.  So my mom went and bought us groceries and I’m like…oh my God!  I’m bitching about my brother not being responsible and my mother is buying me groceries so I can feed my kids!  That is like the pot calling the kettle black!  I’m just as bloody irresponsible as he is!

Now, when I got past my whole week of major hormone blasts and the shock of him showing up…I also got over feeling like I am anything like my brother.  While it is true that my mom bought us groceries (and then put gas in my van so I could get home from gymnastics), I did support her for a good many years after she left my dad.  I also work my ass off and spend my money on things like food for my kids, electricity, gas to get them to gymnastics (and I barter that, so no money needed there).  I don’t go buy saddles and horses and other such equine based items.  And when my ex and I got divorced, I sent money before we finalized it since my son stayed at the house and I moved out to an apartment near work - it’s just the right thing to do.

So I depressed myself by thinking I was like him, and then realized I might have been a bit harsh about the whole thing.  And this goes with my “get it out so I can’t bully myself with this crap anymore” philosophy.  When something starts to eat at me, you all are gonna get a front row seat for the outing…I have too much to do in this world to be bothered by such trivial garbage.
So what if I am a tad broke this week.  I’ll fix it.  I have been busy spending time getting our school schedule set up, and getting adapted to our new gymnastics schedule…I haven’t been actively annoying my regular clients so they give me jobs to make me go away for a week. 


Ok, I’m so tired I have the shakes.  I think that is the official stopping point.

See you happy campers tomorrow.

nite. 

Reevaluation

Every once in a while I need to stop and reevaluate what is going on and how I’m handling it. I’m afraid I’m not handling it too well this week. I have a million excuses but I’m tired of hearing excuses come out of me so I’m just going to skip that part.

Hubby has had a crappy week of work, and is frustrated by the limitations he’s creating. He says he knows that he’s the reason he has problems with some aspects of his job, and they are very unreasonable excuses. For his job he has to call “warm” leads (they sent in a request for information, had to fill out a handful of questions, etc.) and make an appointment to go discuss their options further. It should be fairly simple. But he freezes up on the phone. He can talk to anyone in the world face to face, but the phone makes him nervous. He’s got to work through it, not me, but that is what he’s battling this week. He also wants to move his desk and things to the girls playroom…which is going to get ugly when the girls figure out he’s stealing their space. And he’s going to be a nitpicky pain in the ass about what is in there so he can avoid making calls…I’m gonna have to nip that in the bud right away or it will be one shitty day tomorrow.

I’m not going to say that I won’t be happy to have my office back again. Sharing it with someone who can’t make necessary calls when you are in there so you have to leave, listens to music so loud that you can’t hear your own music (and he’s wearing your headset so you have to listen to yours out loud), taps on the desk constantly, makes noises, talks to himself and then falls asleep and snores, just is not a very good setting when you are trying like hell to finish jobs that require your brain to be able to focus.
I might be able to focus a little better once I have peace and quiet again (as I say this the dog started snoring so loud she woke herself up LOL ).

Of course, I could just be using that as an excuse. But I am accomplishing a lot the last week so I don’t really need an excuse.

I’m going to go finish my latest site so I can go to bed. See you all later!

:)

I’ve worn myself out today

I had a meeting that lasted way longer than expected.  It was good and it was needed after a good chunk of day being wasted to hormone induced insanity.

I can’t think of anything else to write now and it’s all Solaris’ fault! LOL

I need sleep.  Now.

See you all tomorrow.

:)

Today we are back on schedule!! Woohoo!

We started school up again.  Officially, that is.  We do school every day of the year since we sort of un-school.  Life is a learning experience so it’s all school, really.  But today we started back up with workbooks for our basic skills.  I think some of this stuff will be getting skipped but only after I’ve had time to review what progress has been made over the last few workbook free months.  Actually, they’ve not been workbook free.  I went to set up my little 3-ring binder this morning…and while listing books we use and what the basic schedule will be…I noticed that my little munchkins have completed large chunks of workbook on their own.  I’m not sure when they did it…but they did it.  And it’s all correct.
Oh, I’m very proud of the 8 year old and have to put it on record, she completed Little House in the Big Woods by Laura Ingells Wilder (247 pages) last night.  It took her about 2 weeks.  I’m so proud…she’s a bookworm like her mom!  :-)


Ok, I have a wicked headache.  We had a fairly large argument last night which might be the reason why I’m hurting more than normal.  I wish I had a valve in my head to let some of the pressure out sometimes.  I’m taking Claritan but it can only do so much.  It might be time to move up to prescription strength meds. 


I’m going to go get some house stuff done and then come back in and work.

:)

Aren’t dreams supposed to be obscure and confusing?

I woke up this morning (reluctantly) after hanging out all night in what I would call a Gulf-Area bar…not sure of the location but if you’ve been to a small town on the Gulf of Mexico…almost like New Orleans with shops and people but not nearly as busy…with water, homemade boats next to shrimp boats next to a few newer decent sized boats…where walking up the street is to be flowing in the drama of the city, not merely passing shops and empty lots.  These towns have character.  They have history.  Anyway, I was in a town like this.  It started with some bizarre need to pull a broken down boat using a really big chain pulled by someone walking down the waterfront street, and me explaining the laws of physics to the clueless dolt requesting the pulling be done.  I think that bit of dream moved on to me walking off and in to what seemed to be a bar I’d never been in, but was totally comfortable all the  same.   And while there was a mysterious stranger who was beyond (way beyond) normal, who remained concealed but kept running off when they saw me and the bar keep as well as patrons all knew they were out there, as they alerted me to them when they peeked in the window.  And the alerting was more of a nudge or a nod, nothing intended to scare said person away.  Actually, this person was in the bar when i came in and sat down next to them, and was someone I didn’t recognize so it really made no impact on the dream, aside from the constant popping up.  What was really the most interesting was…the bar was filled with bands I’d met, been around, never met but would have been quite comfortable hanging out with, etc.  As they were mostly rock and roll and southern rock type bands, the bar suited them all just fine and they seemed to be regulars.  Anyway, as I’m there, just hanging out…chatting with various people I can’t quite remember, I do remember big plans being made.  Big.  The primary organizer appeared to have been an extremely famous singer (not who’d I’d think of to dream about, but appropriate anyway) and he kept referring to me to make sure I could make it to this big event because I was a very important part of it. The rest of the patrons would echo this sentiment as I saw them, which made the dream so incredibly pleasant.  I really did not want to wake up this morning.  I’m guessing this complete and absolute warm fuzzy content and pleased with myself feeling is what it might have felt like if my father had ever actually approved of something I had done…and I’m guessing the dream was triggered by my ranting about it here.  So, I’m just adding on to the rant but to let you know that perhaps my clearing the air here has allowed me to actually allow myself to feel something I have never really felt before.  Acceptance.

Now, I have friends who are above and beyond the typical description of friends.  I have people who I’ve not even met, who I care about and am very interested in their well being.  I have friends I’ve met once or twice and who I look forward to reading about their lives, as well as their comments on my own.  And while I have these friends…I never felt worthy of them.  I can’t explain the feeling exactly and don’t care to try.  I think now though, I might have really knocked down a huge wall that didn’t allow feelings to go back and forth for fear that the disapproval was on it’s way.

So, I’m half awake and just came in here to write this down before I forgot.  It could be incoherent babble…but who cares?  It’s my blog, I can babble if I want to!  LOL

I’m going to go eat a bagel and have some coffee now.  See you all later today!

:)

I love my Claritan and more babbling…

But it’s not loving me lately…or it’s not making me feel very loved. I take the 24 hr Claritan D…and that has been perfectly fine up until I started forgetting to take it in the mornings and only remembered in the evenings. Once I started taking it in the evening, it was causing all sorts of strange and unusual side effects…mostly that my heart felt like it was racing a Triple Crown race on it’s own and that I wasn’t falling asleep until 6am or later. Now I can handle staying up til 6 and getting up at 9…no biggie when you have little kids. BUT my heart was actually hurting…so I stopped that shit right away. I took a few days off and then called my doc. We think it might have had something to do with my somewhat, possibly out of control, coffee habit that I didn’t really even notice I had. Doesn’t EVERYONE drink two pots of coffee a day? HMMMMM????? Well, apparently that isn’t normal, despite what my fellow webmasters tell me. Sooooooooo…..I’ve resumed taking Claritan BEFORE I start drinking my now reduced (bleh!) intake of coffee. Oh, and did I mention that I toss a few Red Bulls in there for good measure? You know…this is why three hours of sleep doesn’t bother me. Who can stay asleep with 2 pots of coffee, 2 Red Bulls and a 24 hour Claritan D in their system? Now…on top of all this really bad crap I dump in me, you have to understand that I also drink a drink that I make three times a day, it consists of whatever fruits i have around, some form of fruit juice and a spoon full of green powder. Yup, green powder. And honestly, this stuff rocks. It’s great. I also eat abnormal amounts of carrots, celery, sprouts, peppers…pick a veggie and if it’s in my house, I’m snacking on it. I’m just about to quit the coffee. It’s actually not even tasting all that good lately so I really should take advantage of that and just drop it. The Red Bull…I’m keeping it thanks. And my green stuff is staying. I also go buy drinks from the store like Green Goodness and Odwalla Farms Superfood. My kids even love them. Hubby won’t touch them cause he says they are too sweet (but I’m sure the fact that they are green has something to do with it).

Ok, Solaris mentioned that she was interested in hearing what brought on last post. I’m not sure I have a satisfactory answer really. I think that in the course of treating this blog as my therapist…I’ve resorted to doing some things on here out of sheer desperation.

I don’t blame anyone for how I turned out. But I don’t have a lot of respect for my father, his parenting skills were non-existent and he is now getting from us what he gave us as children. Nothing. I’ve had my say with him, I’ve actually had my say with his voice mail a few years ago - because, in his true nature, he wouldn’t allow me to speak to him about things that matter. So I told off his voice mail. Hey, it worked. I got it out. I’m sure in the 2.4 seconds it took for him to either hang up or hit “delete” he got the point that I was very very very pissed at him. He might have sired me, but I don’t have to like him or respect him. He’s a sperm donor, plain and simple. I’m able to be cordial when he calls me now, which only started happening after his mother died. I am polite, I nod, smile, relay small tidbits of news he’s not really hearing because he just doesn’t care and then it’s ‘goodbye’. We speak every 3 or 4 months because I don’t see any benefit from fighting with him or hanging up on him.

Ok, so my dad emotionally scarred us for life…or at least for a good chunk of time. Well, me anyway, my brother is going to be paying the price for life. He’ll be selfish, lonely, and a bad father until he either gets therapy or has a revelation. I hope he gets one or the other soon. I’m not counting on it though. As long as he thinks like my father and grandfather (who taught my dad his incredibly parenting skills and who my brother idolizes) then there is little chance of breaking that cycle.

Enough of that though…

On to me and my own personal demons. When things start going really good, I tend to dig up everything that I’ve ever done in my life that could have been (or definitely was) wrong and go over it again and again. It was really starting to wear on me. So, I announced to the world, via the blog (my therapist), that Yes! I have done some messed up and wrong things! And it was like the relief that a person who is being blackmailed must feel when they finally tell the world whatever thing that is being held over their head and there is nothing left for a blackmailer to threaten them with. I don’t care who knows that I’ve been an asshole, I’ve hurt people’s feelings. I did things wrong and I know it. I also know that I’m not the same person I was when I did them. I mean, I was probably between 16 and 21 years of age when all the offenses occurred. If I were to see a 21 year old do some of the things I did, they’d never be as monumental as they seemed to be when I was holding them all in and torturing myself with them. So I let that out.

Really, the more I learn and the more confident I get, the more I try to knock myself down emotionally. How sick is that? I mean WHY would I do that? But I know why I do it. I was taught to do it. I didn’t do it to myself to begin with, my dad did it for me. Every single accomplishment, no matter how small or large, was met with contempt or indifference. No matter what happened, he would always knock you off your feet with something that just hurt so bad, that eventually I’d just do the damage for him without even bothering to get his attention. So what if I could sing on stage for hundreds of people, play the double bass (even if the thing was feet taller than me in the 6th grade! And OH, How I adored that double bass…) and the viola, I was an incredible artist (even in grade school) and would finish all my text books within the first two weeks of school (I would go through them all and answer all the questions in them on separate pages to be handed in as they were assigned, leaving me time to do extra credit)? To him I was a non-person. Not worthy enough to make noise, disturb him, or bore him with trivial things such as my accomplishments. They were a waste of time anyway, being as I was a worthless non-person. Of course I was just LOVED at school. Not! I was a geek, which was NOT cool back then…but not geeky enough to get to hang out with geeks, I had 1 friend from 5th grade to 9th when I moved from where I grew up, I had to wear clothes bought at consignment shops because my dad was too busy spending his money on things like $1000 putters and drivers. I was a favorite for other kids to make fun of, going to school was torture every day.

So, like I said, I know where it all came from. I’m very aware of it.

Now, if I’m sitting here going over my faults and everything I’ve ever done wrong in my life…well, then I’m just doing the emotional abuse for him. He doesn’t even have to put any energy into it. It really is sick. This is why I wrote that I had done things I thought were wrong. Once they are out in the open…I can’t torture myself anymore…because everyone knows! LOL (enter maniacal laugh here) And I’m good with people knowing that I’ve not been perfect at very nearly any point in my life. Who has? What counts is who I turned into. The person that all these events in my past created is who matters…and I think that person is pissed off at not being able to be free and do what they are meant to do. I mean, while I’ve done some not so great things, I’ve also survived things that most people would run away from in a heartbeat. And now that I think of it…in the world I lived in…where I was surrounded by the most undesirable of folks at times…I never once compromised my dignity when it really counted. I have to admit that in the case of love, I did some shit that emotions got in the way of dignity…but nothing that wouldn’t be considered just bad judgement brought on by panic (in my opinion).

I have experienced life in a way that many people wouldn’t even consider. I’ve just about seen it all. I managed to see it all from a spectator’s point of view though. I observed, I learned, I moved on. I spent many years in the music industry. My ex was a rock and roll singer, my world revolved around bands, I’ve met hundreds of bands…been on their tour buses, been to breakfast after parties, been to the parties…and yet I never slept with any of them, except the one I married of course. I liked being the safe girl in the group…guys could talk to you because you were on a different level. All my experiences have been like that.

Or they were until I got married to my current husband…everything changed suddenly. We went from being in charge of our destinies to being married. Like it was a disease.

It’s too bad that you don’t realize that you’ve switched on to autopilot until you’ve wasted a lot of time. I think I’ve beat that subject to death in previous posts though.

So, since I’m fixing things and cleaning out the old useless crap from my system, the personal torture was a an all time high. Now, it’s just not there.

I am thankful that I’ve been able to see my faults even if I don’t appreciate the replaying of the old ones. We don’t learn if we don’t see what we’ve done wrong. Learning to balance between extremes is the roughest part of life though. Do we not trust people because we’ve been hurt, or do we trust and open ourselves up for more pain? Do we hurt before we get hurt ourselves? Can we change how we see what is done to us when we are on the receiving end of a painful situation?

It’s easy to learn new ways and to say, “Yes, I’ll make sure I do that from now on”. But it takes many many tries to make that new way a habit. You might fail 20, 40, 100 times before it becomes a natural habit. By making balance a habit, we make our lives more peaceful. That doesn’t mean boring and quiet. LOL We just make our souls feel content with the decisions we make.

I’m sure I didn’t really give a reason for why I brought this up last post, but I have provided for quite a bit of reading. LOL

Today’s Claritan has officially hit a low point so I’m going to have to run to bed before I fall asleep in my chair. Goodnight to everyone…see you later.

:)

Dealing with the bumps in the road

Sometimes we get tired. Sometimes we get our period. Whatever the reason, there are times when we just don’t have the energy to be optimistic and positive. I’m not saying that I’m depressed or pessimistic about things. I’m just sort of in between today. I did do some things that make me feel good now that I’m reviewing my day. I had a few moments where I reverted back a few steps when hubby started drinking for day #5 in a row. But, I regained my composure, and I will address the issue tomorrow when I am sure there is someone inside to hear my concerns.

So, I woke up abruptly this morning because I was having an incredibly vivid dream that was so real I had to jump out of bed and run around checking on my kids and house. I was dreaming that someone was stealing my computers and van while the girls and I were in the house alone, and it was just so incredibly real. Door wide open, my monitors gone and packed in the back of my van…and i went outside in my robe (had to grab phone and I even hit 911 on my way outside to see what was going on) and there is this guy putting stuff in my van…my stuff, my neighbors stuff, all sorts of neighbors, he’s walking in and out of houses like he’s at WalMart…and then i woke up. I jumped out of bed, checked the girls, the front door, my office…I was so out of sorts that I really couldn’t function properly for hours. No amount of coffee or Red Bull helped. It was very weird. Especially since I rarely even remember dreaming. Perhaps it’s all that repressed emotional crap I have been bottling up since I was about 4 years old? LOL You let it out for a moment and it starts to take over your life! Even when you are sleeping! BAh! LOL (yes my humor is odd, and even more so when I’m very tired).

Alright. So. I had a bad moment or two today. No one died, life goes on, I’ll resume working on my goals and not dwell on things that do me no good. I know I can’t change other people, only myself. And I can change how i deal with my husbands weaknesses. Obviously the ways I’ve tried to convey my displeasure have not worked, so it’s nuts to keep repeating them.

Before I go…Congrats to Meg for getting to come home! I know that is so much nicer than being in the hospital where there is constant activity. I’ll be asking the universe to keep an eye on you, just so you are safe. You mean lots to us!!

Now, i am going to pass out before i end up with a keyboard stuck to my forehead. Have a wonderful day!!

:)

Changing perspective

I spent the day with my in-laws.  Normally that statement would have my business partner expecting me to ask for bail money in my next breathe.  But…we are turning over a new leaf, aren’t we?  I am being myself, remember.  I am being someone who I won’t be ashamed of when I think of my day and what I did.  I am changing the way I view a lot of things.

My mom says (very often) that in order to believe in something, you have to believe in everything possible for it to be real.  I might not be saying it right, I’m very tired.  Sorry. Anyway, I can’t believe that we are all products of the same creator and that we all are essentially perfect creations (behaviorally flawed as some of us may be)…and exclude the people I am related to that I have been unhappy to be around in the past.  It’s either all or none.

Now, I can’t be all fakey-fakey-nicey-nicey to these people just to pretend that I’m being someone I want to be.  I really don’t think that many people could just go out and forgive everyone of every bad thing they’ve done and be part of one big happy world where people sing in the street together like a 1970’s Coke commercial.  You know…as corny as that might seem…it sure as hell beats the world we live in today.  But that is getting off the point.

While I have trouble forgiving my in-laws for treating me like I’ve been an undesirable growth in their son’s home…I can consider that they are my brothers and sisters, in a “we were all created by the same creator” sense, and that while I may not like the things they do much, to think that they are less than or greater than myself is an insult to the force that created us.  It implies that it didn’t do such a good job, that one or the other is less than, that it messed up.

So..if I am going to change how I look at the world, then I need to change how I think about ALL of the world.

In-laws included.

I have noticed since I started thinking of things in a different way, people are very much easier to get along with.  I also feel connections with people I’ve never felt.  I think that might be due to certain parts of my emotions coming back to participate in life after having been locked up for most of my life.  I actually CARE about things.  I adore my daughters and want to stop everything that I’m doing to listen to them tell me one of their wild tales (don’t know where they get that from!! LOL) or to listen to one of them tell me how they did their balance beam or bars routine in gymnastics on the days my mom takes them.  I used to tell them, “One minute, just give mommy one minute and I’ll be there”.  Well, one minute never was…it was always 20, 45, never.  I have one child who doesn’t expect me to do things for him because I’m too busy, don’t have the money, etc…and he’s left home.  It’s too late to change him, he’s going to have to learn on his own (I can offer my enlightened view of things as I learn them, but what 19 year old boy ever actually LISTENED to his parent about life lessons??).  But it’s not to late to teach my 6 and 8 year old how to be a person that they can be proud of at the end of their lives.  That is my goal, I think.  I want to walk into the sunset at the end of my time here…and look back and see all the people I’ve touched in a positive way.  I want to know that my time here was used to it’s fullest potential.  I want my children to be proud of their mother.  I want my children to be proud of themselves when they reach the end of their path too.  And children learn by example, so I guess I better get my butt in a higher gear…because I have time to make up for.

Actually, maybe I’ll shift gears tomorrow…because I think I’ve reached official Red Bull Crash.  I must get some sleep.

Thanks for listening…I’ll see you happy campers tomorrow.  Goodnight!

:)

Oh, and I’ve been thinking about Meg a lot today.  I’ve been asking if the Great Spirit can just help her get back to her life quickly because she does touch a lot of people, and we all miss her a lot.

Putting others first

Some days I seem to be so absorbed with my own problems, that I forget that I really care about other people. I’m not sure how I forget. Maybe I lock all those feelings of sadness and longing for the time to be with them away so I won’t be distracted while I sit here for hours and hours a day “working to make things better”? I’m not sure what I do with my emotions. Honestly, up until very recently, I think I might have loaned them out to someone, like a book you forgot who you gave it to, and they somehow just found their way home.

I recently decided it was time to get my priorities straight. Yeah, ok, so lots of people do it. Yes, they do, and I hope they are as successful as I seem to be at it. This time. I’m not saying I’ve not tried this before, but this time…I hope I’ve done it right.

I got a bug up my ass about being so unfocused and scattered so I drove over to where I always go when I have something I want to learn/fix/explore/decide. I went to Barnes & Noble. I am a book junkie. And our libraries suck (oh, do I ever miss the NY Public Library). So, I went into Barnes & Noble with the express intent of figuring out what exactly my next direction would be. I wasn’t leaving til I found it.

Normally I go one of two directions…straight to the kids section or straight to the magazines. This time I walked straight in, stopped in the center and just waited for inspiration. Well, by a serious of events and ideas, I ended up in the Native American section. Ok. Let’s start with who I am. That is always a good place to begin. Who am I?

I sifted through quite a few books (most were really negative….note to brothers and sisters: Please try to focus on what good can be created today and not on the injustices that have been done to you in the past. This is the only way to grow.) I came across a few that were of interest, and being limited financially, I made my decision and took one book.

The book I chose was “The Wind Is My Mother” by Bear Heart. It’s part biography and gives ideas on how to live in balance. I realized it was the perfect choice when I got in to reading it. I actually just finished it two days ago but I think I want to read it again because I’m not sure I wasn’t rushing or falling asleep a few times (my reading time is normally very late at night). For the most part though, I think I got what I was looking for and more.

So as I’m reading Bear Heart’s stories and lessons, I’m thinking of how self absorbed I am all the time. I could be closer to my family, especially my kids and husband. I could be doing something to help other people out some way. I could teach my children how to be a good member of society by being one myself. I need to find things that touch my heart and share them with others. I could make a difference!

So, I am not sure what I will do. I will start by acknowledging things that I’ve missed and see where it takes me. I know that every day I will be thankful to our Grandmother Earth for the resources that she provides to us. I will also be thankful to the Great Spirit for the life force that flows through me. I am grateful for my wonderful kids and I am grateful to a husband that is trying very very hard to be all he can be. I am grateful for my skills and love of art, and for the fact that there are horses sharing our planet with us. I would like to combine those and help children who do not have the means to do so, learn art or learn to care for horses and ride. Maybe a camp of some sort? I would really love to be able to care for horses that are no longer wanted or no longer able to be cared for. For the latter cases, I’d want their owners to continue caring for the horse at my expense…and sharing something with the kids that come to camp. We can all contribute something to make a better life, even if we have no money, we have something…everyone has something inside them that makes them a special part of our society. I think that sometimes people get so absorbed by paying bills and trying to keep up with the rat race, that they hide that special gift…and they just need someone to remind them that it’s there, waiting for them to bring it back out so they can share it with the world.

sleep is such an inconvenience

I really wish I could go 24 hours in a row.  Every day.  I have so much I want to do and so little time to do it.

So, if you can’t tell, I have plans.  BIG plans.  Plans that say “Get out of my way or I will run you over!”  Maybe even bigger…

BUT now I’m suddenly not able to keep my eyes open.  I tried walking around to get the blood flowing, used Visine for the burning eyes, drank way too much coffee, and ate a lb of carrots (that had nothing to do with staying awake, I just like to munch on them), and I’m still not going to make it more than another 10 minutes.

So tomorrow I shall wake up, begin my day in a zombie-like state, waste a good 3 hours trying to get my motor started and then realize how little time I have and start running at full speed.  It’s a wicked cycle.  I need to make it more productive and less spastic.

Ok, going to bed.  See you!

:)

Girl Power!!!!!!

Rags to Riches beat the big boys yesterday and I’m just all too excited about it!

For those of you who are clueless on horse racing…feel free to scroll past my overenthusiastic babble.
But she won!!!! I’m totally excited about it. Not only does Todd Pletcher finally win a Triple Crown race..but he wins with the first filly to win in 102 years!!! Way to go Todd, Rags to Riches, John Valesquez and the owners Michael Tabor and Derrick Smith (thanks for running her in this race! It was a great one I’ll never forget). More on this can be found here . There are some videos of the Triple Crown races on that page as well. :-)


Oh and I found this!!!

The 1973 Belmont Stakes where Secretariat (Rags to Riches Great Grandsire) set the time record for a mile and a half that STILL hasn’t been beaten. There is some music to it, but it’s still good
(I tried to embed it but it blew up the page - you’ll have to click the link to get there, sorry)

I need a secretary or helper or something

I just can’t seem to accomplish all I want to every day.  And now that hubby is working from home, the emotional roller coaster is starting to take it’s toll.

After a billion years in the restaurant industry, he’s decided to get out.  Which is fine with me.  He used to sell life insurance for MetLife at one point in NJ so he went looking to get back into that.  Somehow he ended up doing Health Insurance, which is fine…same thing from an income standpoint really.  But he’s not made that many sales and he’s starting to stress.  And drink.  The breakdown is coming, I can see it.  I’m trying not to let it effect me but it’s hard.  I keep finding myself getting pissed off at him for being so weak.  And I honestly feel it is weakness…and I want to tell him so but that will push him even farther under.

So, on a better note, I’ve started a Goal-Binder with my friend.  This is basically my only friend in the state.  She homeschools too.  We spent last weekend at a homeschool conference and got ourselves all motivated.  I am working through some small wrinkles in my idea of how to keep more organized, but at least I’m working on it.  I should have it all good within a week, I think.

Back to the Goal Binder, it’s our way of keeping track of our goals, as well as keeping ourselves in line on what our responsibilities are in the goal achievement and what we’ve done already.  It’s something we check over a coffee in the morning and at night before bed.  And we get together once a week to make sure our books are in order, sort of like scrapbooking for organizing junkies.

Ok, we had a power outage and I can only get to a few places online…this was one of them.  I’ll have to go have a coffee and come back to see if I can get in my “office”.

Peace,

:)

Great race today

Although I was very disappointed that Street Sense did not win, it was still an exciting race.  I do feel bad for the Street Sense group…there was such possibility in a Triple Crown winner this year.  Well, congrats to Curlin, Albarado and the rest of the group.  The Belmont should be very exciting.

I have a ton of work to do tonight.  I’ve been trying to do my enormous list of stuff that has to be done…and it’s taking up all my free time.  I spend quite a few hours a week sleeping in my office chair.
I’ll be back when I get a chance.

And Meg…If you are around, give me a call.  I’m home all day tomorrow (Sunday) since my plans got changed around a bit this weekend.

:)

It’s Derby Day!!!

I’m excited.  I’m going to park myself in front of the television in a few hours and watch the festivities.  Although this year is sure to have a somber note to it, I saw that the Jacksons were being honored with $25,000 to go to the Barbaro fund for the New Bolton Center.  That’s great that the center will be benefiting from the incredibly work they did.

The Queen of England is due to be there as well.  This should be interesting to watch.  One day I’m going to be IN the crowd instead of watching it from my living room.  I think I shall make a plan to take the girls and mom…and go buy the most outrageous big hats we can find for our Derby Debut.  :-)


I’m not drinking any Mint Juleps though.  Ok, maybe I’ll try one.  But I quit the hard liquor a long time ago…and I can’t imagine my taste buds would be too happy about whiskey, no matter what it’s mixed with.

Ok, off to work…

later!!

:)

$21 a week for food? For a family?

This article: “Oregon Governor starts week on food stamps” caught my attention. He is bringing to light how impossible it is to live on food stamps. As someone who had to attempt that back when my son was born 18 years ago…I know that it’s a subject that needed brought into the public line of vision. If you want to keep people who really just need a bit of help and a boost to get back on their feet a reason to give up on life…put them on foodstamps. It’s humiliating, it’s impossible, and it’s not enough to keep your children healthy. Bravo to Ted Kulongoski for making an effort to get this changed.

And now, I have to run back to work.   I just popped in to share this.  And to make some behind the scenes changes to the blog.  :-)


See you later.

:)

Start getting positive

I was at a friends house the other day, along with my mom, and we were discussing the law of attraction. We’ve all been doing our own little experiments the last few weeks and we were discussing outcomes. It’s extremely interesting how a simple shift in my attitude has made things that were such a big deal seem to have disappeared. AND the most interesting thing is how many new opportunities and jobs have ‘appeared’ since I changed my attitude.

I am also shifting my attitude about having money. I think maybe I had some sort of negative connection to having money…or to ME making money. Not sure why though. There are tons of possible reasons, most likely it’s the ‘you aren’t even worthy enough to make noise’ attitude that I got during my entire childhood. While I attempt to change my opinion and the emotions that go with it, I’ll see if I can’t figure out why (to help it make sense if possible?) and squash it from that end as well. Sometimes, I think, when we find a source of our behavior that comes from our childhood, and we take a look from the adult point of view…it causes the effects of it to disappear into a puff of smoke.
Example: As a child, an adult you trust is passionately negative about a politician. You grow up hearing how they are just the most horrible person on earth. Then one day, decades later, you are compared to that person by someone who adored the same politician. Now…most likely you are going to take that comment and have a negative reaction (at least internally) to it. Probably, you will take it as an insult and get angry. But WHY did you get angry? The person did not mean it as an insult, it was quite the opposite. You got angry because of a trigger that was planted years before. You reacted to something the way you were trained to react. Now, as an adult…you rationally think about the fact that you honestly know nothing about this politician…and that the comment made was, in fact, positive. Then you think about it from an adult point of view, and realize your trusted adult was reacting in a childishly negative way. Now the idea of someone comparing you to that person is no longer offensive. And if you do get twinges of that same negative reaction, you can tell yourself that it’s ridiculous and keep moving on. It no longer has the same power.

I don’t think we should dwell on crap that happened in our past that makes us act irrationally. I do think we should examine our irrational behaviors and try to figure out what we are getting out of it (No matter how good or bad it is, if we weren’t getting something out of it, we wouldn’t be doing it.) even if it’s just that we are getting to be content with something familiar. Sometimes reviewing incidents in our past help us to eliminate some behaviors and sometimes it might be a waste of time. I opt for making a bit of effort to fix a destructive behavior.

And…where was I going with this?? I think I’m doing too much at once. I’m in two client meetings and trying to write this. Can you say “self-destruction”? LOL Yes, I am very much a self-destructive person when it comes to success. The minute I start to do really well I kill it. I quit working, I get preoccupied with non-work things…I do things that just cause problems with the work I am supposed to be doing. But…I’m on to me now! And I better watch out…cause I’m watching. Me. Hmm…why do I feel like Jack Sparrow now? I’m making no bloody sense at all! Except I am. To me anyway.
Oookay. Gonna go work so I can get to bed at a reasonable hour (anytime before 4 is reasonable to me). Later all!

:)

My kids are so cool

I just thought I’d announce that to the world.  :-)


We have a ballet recital this weekend.  I am thinking of making it a really big deal to make my oldest daughter really happy about all the work she put into this.  Maybe this will give her some positive association with hard work and help her in the future.

I also had a “What would the Bratz do?” conversation yesterday.  LOL  The girls are having issues with making the decision to join the gymnastics team.  Their instructor asked them to try out.  The oldest one is just busting at the seams about it and wants to join so bad she can’t contain herself, but won’t do it if the younger one doesn’t.  The youngest looks like she wants to do it, but keeps saying she doesn’t want to.  She told my mom her reason was that she was afraid she’d fall in front of everyone.

I don’t want her to not do something she loves and regret it.  I don’t want to push her to do something she’s not ready to do.  It really sucks to watch her struggle with it, too.  I think she’s really just scared and that she’d love it if she went to do it.

They were pretending to be one Bratz doll or the other last night so I got the brilliant idea…”Hey! What would the Bratz do if they had to decide to join the gymnastics team or not?”  The answer was “They’d do it in a heartbeat!” And then the talk turned to nothing but gymnastics WHILE they did kartwheels and somersaults in their room.  They are just constantly doing tumbles, flips…I have to threaten them to get them to stop doing it on the ceramic tile floor.  I mean, they’d kartwheel across the house to come to dinner still if I let them.  I’m not trying to push an awkward kid who sort of thinks she likes to tumble into joining a gymnastics team.  I’m trying to help a kid not regret a decision made based on unrealistic fears.  And their instructor thinks  they are both extremely talented (well, so do I, but I’m their mom…I’m supposed to think that! LOL ) and she’s gone out of her way to make sure I know she thinks they should both try out next month.

Ok, I’m going to let her think on it a few more days, and then bring it up subtly again.  Maybe she will make up her own mind if she thinks I’m not pressuring her for an answer.  She can always quit if it’s too hard.  BUT she can’t join again unless someone quits…which could be next year.  We are talking potential for lots of resentment towards her sister if she doesn’t join and then finds out how much she would have loved it and then CAN’T join for a year.  It would be her own fault, but still…kids minds don’t always behave rationally.  I just want to make sure she’s aware of the possibilities and can make an informed decision she won’t regret.

Alright, I’m off to get some work done now.  See ya’ll tomorrow.

Nite

I couldn’t find anything positive to say…

so I just kept my mouth shut.

I have gotten tired of listening to myself bitch.  I’d have told me to shit or get off the pot a long time ago.  I have a really sore neck today too so I’m a touch on the crabby side.

I have been working a lot lately, and the blog suffers from it.  I have to build a new blog schedule, as I do have a few others I contribute to for work.  I feel like I’m writing all day long sometimes.

I just wanted to pop in and announce that I’m still alive.  I have to go bother Meg as well.  I never did figure out how to get to Solaris’ blog and I would love to see what is going on with her now that her HusbandsWhore (yes all one word) can’t come in and harrass her.

I will attempt to get back in here today.

:)

Sunburn and Beads

Today was fun.  The girls and my mom and I went to the Chasco Fiesta Parade.  There were lots of Pirates, which thrilled the girls.  But the best part for them was everyone in the parade was throwing beads and candy to the crowd.  It was pretty neat.  Then we went to see the Native American Dancing again.  It got pretty hot so we went shopping for hair ties, and found some other misc stuff we probably didn’t need but bought anyway.  We found decals from my (gr) grandfathers clan.  I also got a stand for my smudging shell.  My shell is sort of big, and I lost the original stand, so I am happy I saw one big enough.  We also got a very big bag of sage.  I am considering going back for a second bag.  I’m going to need to smudge this house every few hours to keep things under control I think.

I discovered I have a sunburn when I went past a mirror a little while ago.  I hope the girls aren’t also burned.  They went with my mom after we were done and are spending the night.  I guess I’ll see in the morning.

I think the fresh air and all the activity from today has me ready for bed.

See you all tomorrow.

:)

I’ve been painting for hours while listening to Arvel Bird and One Nation

I went back to the festival tonight and got two cd’s from the musicians we heard last night.  I loved it.  (I’m trying to think of something profound to say, since I feel this music and the whole experience last night was what opened the beforementioned door in my soul that had been locked a long time ago - but I’m really tired, my eyes are hurting and I think I have to go sleep)

The musicians were a group that have a CD together as well as individual projects:  Arvel Bird, and Arvel Bird and One Nation are the websites with more information about them.  There are a couple of songs to download on either site.  After my eyes stop burning I’ll see if I can find the other musicians individual sites (if they have them).

I got the kids in bed and came in here and put the first cd in the computer and finished a website design I had started earlier today.  Shortly before I finished it I started getting ideas for some paintings.  Keep in mind I haven’t painted in um…well…I have no idea how long.  I’ve painted for clients but for myself?  Actually, I’d have to say that I’ve never really painted for myself.  I have canvases that were started before I got a computer.  They’ll most likely remain in their current state until I either toss them or give them to mom to paint over for her own art.  So, I got inspired, I opened Photoshop and I started painting.  I have to say that it’s not bad.  It’s not done, but I can see that it’s coming along almost where it should be.  I painted through 2 playings of one CD (Animal Totems) and 1 playing of the other CD (Animal Totems 2).  I’m sure if someone had come to the office door they’d have been quite amazed by my enthusiasm.  I was just going to town.  I think I need to do that daily.

I am grateful for the chance to go yesterday, I really believe it was where I needed to be.  I plan on going back as often as possible while they are here.  I want my daughters to see the dancers, hear stories, learn as much as possible in the short amount of time the opportunity is here.  I admit that right now, they have been more interested in hanging out with their friends.  I am going to try to take them without anyone else so they won’t be distracted.  I think they’d have fun.

As for the other problem…I’m trying to keep the courage to do what I need to do.  I know that the universe will set the stage if it’s what I truly want, I just have to show up and do my part.  But…Why can’t this be simple?  Hell, for that matter, why does he have to be an alcoholic?  I’m sure he thinks this should have just blown over by now.  I’m supposed to just pretend that he’s not blaming me for our situation.  That he’s not downright nasty and venomous when he lets me know it’s all my fault.  I’m supposed to forget that I won’t discuss anything with him without a counselor to act as my witness…or that he’s been given an ultimatum.  I’m supposed to bow down and act like woman (or at least his ass backward idea of what a woman should be).  Well buddy, we aren’t in the 1500’s anymore and the women in my family don’t bow to anyone.  The women in my family catch wild horses with their bare hands and ride the hogs that got loose from their pen back after catching them with articles of clothing.  He’s got another thing coming if he thinks I’m like his own mother.  He’s unaware that I’ve found my own warrior spirit again…and I’m NOT bowing.  I’m going to protect my family from what I see as a danger.  I’m not going to back down.  I never did before I met him, and I am sorry that I was temporarily a big chicken.  If you call 15 years temporary :-p   But now…I am strong, I am independent and I am pissed.  I’ve also begun to change back into who I was…I am no longer a headstrong stubborn donkey being dragged through life.  I am, once again, a determined and confident horse that has a place and a purpose in this world.  I will always remember that the horse is my medicine.

Now I really HAVE to go to sleep.  If I don’t I’ll start painting again…and it’s already 3:30am.  The girls get up way too early to stay up til 8am painting.  :-)


So I will see you all tomorrow.

Goodnight
:)

I got my motivation…

I need to work on it more though.  And I’m just plain wiped out tonight.  I spent a few hours sitting on the ground listening to Native American music and watching dancers.  We also walked around and looked at crafts and jewelry.  And after a good healthy smudging…I’m really in need of a long nights sleep.

I did have a vision tonight.  Perhaps a vision of what is to come.  Or maybe it was my own inner strength making an appearance.  I had an experience that touched me in a way that my only possible reaction was to cry, much to the confusion of others who noticed.  I also discovered that these are the people I need to be among.  I need it like a body needs air. I felt like I was where I belonged.  I felt an enormous amount of peace.  I’d like to live that feeling, not just visit it once a year.

I have a lot of building up of my self esteem to do and a lot of decisions to make.  It is painfully clear that he has no intention of stopping drinking, he was reeking of alcohol when I picked him up tonight. So much so that my mom, who was in the back of the van, asked me if he’d been drinking (once she’d gotten home and could IM me without him blowing up).  He also kept asking me if I was actually coming to bed tonight.  That alone shows how much he had to drink.  I’ve not gone in there for days because he’s just venomous and the negativity is oozing out of him AND I’m not really fond of the idea of sleeping in the same bed with a person who despises me and thinks I’m a horrible bitch who is responsible for all our woes…for some reason though last night in the middle of the night I wandered in to the bed.  I think I ended up in there purely to see how great our new mattress was  He totally despises and can’t seem to bitch enough about it.  Personally, I thought it was very comfortable.  I told him so.  Then he went on about how we need to buy one of those sleep number beds…and I’m thinking, “yeah right Buddy!  We need to spend money on filing for a divorce and counseling for our kids.  Not a fucking bed!”

Ok, I’m losing my feeling that I had before.  I need to keep it in order to accomplish what I want tonight.  I really think a door was opened tonight.  One that I’ve had locked for so long that I had forgotten it was there.  And it was the kind of door that only a stranger would even dare to unlock.

The possible repercussions are just too great for some people I know.

I’m getting delirious now.  I’m going to bed.  See you tomorrow.
 
:)

I am in need of motivation

I can’t seem to focus still today. It’s getting annoying. This has to be resolved so we can move on. It’s wasting too much time.

Last night he refused to speak to me while my mom was here. He wanted her to leave before he’d talk (doesn’t want witnesses to his behavior of course) and then he didn’t say a word really after she left. He is trying to act like nothing happened today but I can see him unraveling. He had to call the lawyer to discuss some things that only he can do and he got pissed at me because I wouldn’t do it. I CAN’T do it. Obviously, since he wants me to that should be a good enough reason for me to be able to do it. I have noticed that just because he thinks it should be right, he’s convinced it is. I think his parents have imposed their Judge Judy legal expertise on him one too many times. The law is the law. You can’t bully your way to your own preferred outcome. The bank wants to repossess our truck and he’s totally nonchalant about the fact when it’s an issue of me getting in trouble (it’s in my name) but now that he’s got to go to the truck to get to work, cause I’m not letting him park here and get it repossessed in the middle of the night, well now it’s a big deal. Or is it…oh wait, he thinks he can just take my van so it’s not such a big deal now. Let ‘em have it! He’s done with bills and money problems. (yes, he said that to me yesterday). He’s delusional.

I should have been able to send money to the bank today, but due to a typical blunder by him, I can’t. He can not possibly do all these things that lead to bigger problems on accident. They have to be intentional, even if it’s a subconscious thing.

It was recommended by someone, who knows these sorts of things, that I sort of emotionally divorce him in my mind in order to be able to maintain my sanity during this all…and I have to say the tremendous relief I felt just by that small action is enormous. I can breath again. I’m not seeing spots, I don’t have chest pains…it’s nice to be able to think.

OK, there was a 6 hour break in there. Didjya notice? LOL

I went in to get coffee and a friend called and wanted to know if I wanted to watch Native Americans dancing and if so…to get my butt down to the park post haste.  So I grabbed kids and ran out of here.

AND I had an incredible night.  I need to get some thoughts in order and then I will write more.  I have so many feelings and ideas and things I can’t even classify going through my head right now.  I need to sort it out.  I’ll be back a little later I think.

Why does the internet bring out the most childish of behaviors?

I’m sort of spinning now…going from one room to the next, doing a few dishes, then wandering off to the laundry, then wandering off to the next thing…never actually completing anything at this point.  Anyway, in the course of my wanderings I plopped down here and started reading the news.  One article just made me so sad.  There is a woman, April Branum, in California who is overweight and didn’t know she was pregnant til 2 days before she gave birth.  Ok, that isn’t horrible.  I’m sure it’s not the first time it’s happened.  What is horrible is the childish and nasty remarks her situation got on her local news website about the article.  These people, who do not know this woman, had the audacity to question her parenting abilities based on everything from her weight and the condition of the room she was photographed in.  I will venture a guess here and say that most of those people who made negative comments are not perfectly toned, healthy, neat freaks and they most likely are also overweight and live in conditions that aren’t the most pristine.  Some people need to make others look bad or feel bad in order to not feel so horrible about their own lives.  They take out their own frustrations with their selves on innocent people they don’t even know.  God forbid someone find one of these anonymous souls and dished out commentary on their own personal choices or habits.  They’d never be able to take the heat.  That is why they thrash people with a virtual whip under the cover of an anonymous username.  They are cowards.

I think that until you have lived with someone or experienced their world firsthand, you have no room to talk.  You should worry about your own world and start fixing your own problems.  In other words, Mind Your Own Business.  Once your world is self sustaining and healthy, then go out and find others who need your compassion, not your judgement.  Make an effort to help people, don’t condemn them because you aren’t happy with yourself.   If we could all do that, maybe our world wouldn’t be such a mess.

So, Congratulations to April on the birth of her beautiful baby!!  And to everyone else, grow up, start thinking like adults and use your noggin to make the world a better place!

:)

What to do next…

so he’s still not speaking to me.  I got a quick “bye” this morning.  Am I supposed to be upset?  I’m not sure yet.

I’m fluxuating between slight feelings of hopelessness and being completely pissed off.  Who am I pissed at?  Me mostly.  I let this get this far and it ticks me off that I didn’t have the guts to do something ages ago.  But, it’s not ages ago anymore, it’s today.  And today I am doing something about it.  I just don’t know what.  What do I do next?  Do I ask him to go to counseling as I had planned last night?  I am certain he won’t go, but do I ask out of obligation to a relationship that I promised to do my best in?  And when are we no longer “obligated” to keep trying?

The part that now is my primary concern is the girls.  They are clueless to the current goings-on.  That is purely due to the fact that they have company over.  Normally, they’d have picked up on this the minute bad vibes started shooting around the house.  They are both incredibly perceptive which will make lying to them a very bad thing to do.  I’ll have to talk to them later today, after their friend goes home. They at least need to know that they are not responsible for ANY of the bad feelings their dad and I are feeling.  They are gonna need lots of extra hugs in the next few months I think. And I know how the dreaded talk that I will have with them, unfortunately.  My son handled his father and I breaking up fairly well, only because we both acted like adults and cared more about our son than about our selves.  That was 17 years ago and he is still speaking to me, daily, a few times a day (which is more than he spoke to me when he was still living at home LOL ).  He’s not too messed up of an adult. Hey! He went and gave blood the other day!  I am so proud!! Ok, I’ve veered off the subject a bit haven’t I? Sorry.

I guess if I’m thinking of all this, then I see no real hope for the future of the relationship.  That is a very sad thing.

I have more thoughts but I also have three little girls running around, breakfast dishes to wash and a coffee to locate (I swear it grows legs and hides on me every chance it gets). I have to go get some stuff done.

:)

A new life…a new look

I think that most people do something drastic to declare their independence or to mark change in their world.  They cut or color their hair in an entirely new way.  They go nuts and paint the house something wonderfully “them”.  They just step out of the normal path and do something that screams, ‘I’m me! I’m alive! I’ll survive!!”

I’m sure I’ll eventually get to all of the above, but for starters, I finally gave my blog a face it could be proud of.  Or at least a face that is all it’s own.  It’s unique.  It’s not a cookie cutter template that I found for free somewhere.  It’s all mine.  And I made it.  Yes, I MADE it.  As in designed, fiddled with php and css for hours on end and then uploaded and confused at least 70 people while I touched up the final steps.  I made it and I like it.  It’s really a work in progress though, much like my life.  I am missing something vital that I wanted to add, I just don’t know what that is exactly.  I’m sure I’ll know when I find it.

Today marks a new life for me.  Whether that life involves divorce we shall see, but I certainly set in motion a chain of events that will either break or fix this relationship post haste.

Without going into great detail, purely because I see no reason to relive that particular few hours of my life at this time, I will say that I finally reached my limit.  I have had enormous amounts of frustrated rage festering in my soul for years.  And today I just totally could not hold it in any longer.  I see no reason why I should suffer and in turn make our children suffer (they get a mom with a short fuse and no sense of humor when they did nothing to deserve such things) and I won’t do it any longer.  Of course, in true fashion, when I blew up…he walked out.  And I felt such an enormous amount of relief.  It was wonderful.  And then he came back a few hours later.  I have never been so disappointed.
I’ve come to terms with the fact that the person I married is dead and gone and never coming back.  It really only hit me that this was true when he left and I was not one bit sorry  to see him go.  I even searched for some bit of emotion…anything but anger, that I have plenty of.  But I have no feelings about our relationship left.  Well, the anger but that isn’t exactly a healthy feeling.  :-)


So, he left, he came back, he says he refuses to  speak to me and then starts talking to me 5 minutes later…he’s sadly in need of therapy, only he refuses to get any outside help because he doesn’t want anyone knowing our business.  Do you think he’d shit bricks if he knew about the blog??  LOL   Well, with his attitude towards therapy, and the fact that we can’t have a conversation that is productive and doesn’t involve him throwing a temper tantrum…I’d say the whole thing is a lost cause.  I think that at this point it’s insane to even keep the charade going.

I know that tomorrow morning he is going to try to act like it was just a bad night, or maybe he won’t be speaking to me still.  He’s like that…you never know how he’s gonna try to keep his world status quo.  But I do know that I can’t live like this any longer.  If it means upsetting my kids and selling my house and moving in with my mom and starting my life over without the Sheriff knocking on my door once a week to serve me with papers for something related to something he did and would not let me have any input on….then I say “Bring it on!  I’m up for an adventure.”

And now, since he’s barricaded himself in my bedroom and I have the girls and their friend sleeping in the family room…I guess I’ll go crash on the couch next to the girls and at least have someone who loves me next to me for the night.  And I couldn’t ask for a better set of girls to love me.  I am truly grateful for their being in my life, and I have never regretted marrying him simply because I have the most awesome kids on the planet and I’d never want it any other way.

I’m off to bed.  Goodnight!!

:)

Why do my allergies act up worse in the winter than in the summer?

I know that plant life doesn’t actually ever go dormant here, but for the love of Pete! they can stop blooming or sprouting or whatever it is that makes my allergies go nuts.  Just for a little while.  I really would expect a bit of a reprieve in the winter but I guess not.

The allergies totally kick my ass.  I mean I’m pretty much useless.  I drive the kids to classes and smile and nod…but don’t ask me to hook up a dvd recorder (which my friend unfortunately did yesterday during a particularly bad day - I’ll have to call and apologize for abandoning that project after 5 minutes).

I do have Claritan that mom bought and brought me last night. She had to buy it for me.  Not because I couldn’t afford it, but because some moron decided when and how much I could buy at a time.  This stupid law that says you can’t buy Claritan-D without ID and swearing on your firstborn that you are using it for you.  AND them keeping track of it all in a computer database is just beyond ignorant.  I mean, WTF is selling me enough pills to take for a month at a time going to do?  Is it really that easy to make whatever drug it is that they make?  AND why do the employees at the drug store tell me I can’t have any because I bought it too recently even when I haven’t?  And when I complain no one seems to have a clue.  I mean, I’m giving some employee at the drug store - not even a pharmacist, just a cashier in most cases - my ID (which they copy everything off of) and signature…who says they aren’t using this info to buy boxes of the crap for friends who are drug maker/pusher/users/whatevers?  It’s not an incredibly foolproof system.  It’s the stuff that total idiots who’ve never really dealt with reality come up with.

So, now that my evil bitch side is loose in the blog, I should really just drink my damned Red Bull and go clean up the kitchen so I can start school.  I think she’s had enough soapbox time today.  Oh! The kids are starting to clean up their dishes, so I guess I really do have to go.

Have a wonderful day…I might be back, I might not…I’ve seen my record for showing up every day so…I guarantee nothing!  LOL

:)

School, Work, and Visualizing my future…

I think it’s definitely one of Murphy’s Laws that states “At exactly the same time you desperately need a day off due to hormone related exhaustion will be when everyone in their mother needs a rush job done”.  Ok, maybe not exactly but something in that neighborhood.

I’m so wiped out.  But I’m gonna have a coffee, breakfast and this stuff mom bought me that you mix with juice or whatever…it’s basically greens (blue-green algae and some other stuff I can’t remember and I’m not getting up to see right now) in a powder form.  I throw it and some juice and a banana in the Bullet (mixer) and make myself a smoothie.  It’s green.  The girls like to make lots of gross faces and noises but it’s not bad.  But I also like to drink things like Green Goodness.  When I was a kid, I used to think I had been a horse in a previous life (probably just an attempt to escape my own unhappy body for the moment) but I really enjoy eating these things that would be right up a horses alley.  I love greens (anything green, from different types of grasses (yes, they are in some of these drinks I get at the health food store, and when I am more awake I might remember what they are called)…I love oats…I love fruit…I can also eat an entire onion raw (something I’ve only ever seen done by horses).  Now, I’m not trying to prove that I was a horse (I don’t really believe that with quite the same intensity).  I’m just pointing out that I eat an awful lot of food that horses would enjoy sharing with me.

So, speaking of horses…I had a thought.  I’ve always wanted horses.  I want a small farm where I can have about 5-6 horses, as well as various other creatures.  But I never really made an effort to get what I want.  I never had a clear (I have some fuzzy ones) picture in my head of exactly what I want.  Now, according to both Maxwell Maltz (Psycho-Cybernetics) and Tony Robbins (Personal Power, Etc.) you must visualize what your goal is.  You need to give your own personal success mechanism a target in order for it to work.  And the personal success mechanism (I could be wrong on the exact term used, like I said I’m not awake and haven’t had coffee yet) is basically a more complex version of an animal survival instinct.  Animals are more simple, they only require that they find food, stay safe from predators and reproduce.  (Hmm…sounds like some men I know) But a human version is more complex due to the fact that we can choose what we want.  It is also compared to a guided missile.  You set it free with a target.  It receives input (positive - it does nothing because it’s still on course,  and negative - which causes it to make adjustments to get back on course) along the way and reaches the exact target that you told it to hit.  That is what the visualization of a goal is.  You visualize what it is you want.  Vividly.  You convince your mind that it’s real, you just haven’t gotten there yet.  And that is where you are headed.  And then you set yourself off in that right direction and you make adjustments when you get negative feedback telling you that you are off course.  Now, negative feedback is not your husband telling you that you are in idiot for wanting such a thing.  Or that you are out of your mind if you think you can handle that when you get it.  No!  That’s a negative asshole, you just smile and nod and keep going.  Actually, I’d say that is positive feedback in some cases.  At least in my experience, when I’m on course and doing what I feel is right, I’m being attacked from the outside (by him mostly) with things that he thinks will make me stop this insane behavior.  BUT if I realize it is what it is…positive feedback, then I can ignore it since I am on course and don’t need to make corrections.

I think I’m babbling now…I had a point to that whole paragraph.  Maybe after school and some food I can finish it.  Also my brain has so much in it I can’t type fast enough to keep up.  But basically…A horse farm is my goal.  I need to think about it vividly and hell..I’m an artist…maybe I’ll even draw what I want.  And make it my header on the blog so I see it every freaking day.  :-)


I need coffee and breakfast.  And it’s getting close to school time.  “How it’s Made” (on Discovery - GREAT program, btw) is going off in 25 minutes and then the girls will be ready for school.  Gotta run.

See ya’ll later!!
:)

I am so behind...

...on everything.

Hubby was home for a few weeks after getting laid off.  He was also using my computer to study for a course he needed to get licensed for the new job that he had actually gotten right before getting laid off.  That took two weeks.  Of course, if he hadn’t dumped scotch on his own laptop before he got laid off, then he wouldn’t have had to use mine but we won’t go there today.

I’m working like a fiend to clean this house up.  I honestly do not know why I can’t keep things under control when he’s home.  Perhaps it’s because he keeps interrupting, or he is demanding all of the house activity revolve around him?  Of course, it doesn’t, which ticks him off big time.  I swear he thinks that he’s the center of the  universe sometimes.

So.  He’s working.  It’s only classes this week really.  So he’s informed me that he will most likely be home tomorrow and Friday AND Saturday AND  Sunday.  *sigh*

He supposedly has 2 jobs.  One isn’t to start til next week and he’s not 100% sure he can even pull them both off.  I guess we’ll find out next week.

OH!  We started going to a co-op so the girls could take new classes.  Actually, we are following their ballet teacher and since the little one doesn’t want to take ballet anymore, she’s doing a science class at that same time.  She seems to have had a great time last week.  Maybe she’ll let me leave her in the room without me staying next to her this week. 


And I just re-remembered (yes I remembered earlier but sort of blew it off) that it’s my anniversary.  So I guess I should try to do something nice.  Not sure what when I have almost no money but I think I can come up with something.

I have a $10 gift card from Target…maybe I can buy something for his fish there.  He brought home 3 and put them in a small tank on the desk.  Then the female started spewing babies so we grabbed the Beta out and tossed him in a snifter glass since he was trying to eat all the babies.  Now he is in the glass looking miserable and the cat is watching it closely…and since they are his fish…buying him another small tank would be a gift for him.  right?  Oh whatever.  If all of these babies live, I’m gonna need to pull one of the 65 gallon tanks out of the garage and put it in here just for them.  There are tons of the little suckers.

Ok, I’m off to figure out what to get him.

Later!!

:)

Saw the comet, kids are thrilled :)

We raced down to the beach to watch the comet (it’s only like 1/4 mile from my house) and the kids were just ecstatic about seeing it.  You had to catch it just as the sun went down because that sucker was out of sight within a short time.  Mom got pics but you gotta know what you are looking for or you’d miss it. 
At least the kids enjoyed, that is what counts.  Tomorrow we’ll have even more discussions about comets.  We’ve been talking about them for the last few days.  I got my telescope down yesterday but haven’t had a chance to get it out yet.  I’ll probably have to clean the lenses, it’s been in storage for years and my husbands considerate friend lost the lens covers back when we lived in NJ.  I have no idea if I covered them with something or was so disgusted at it all that I just put it in as-is and never expected to get it out again.  I guess I’ll see when we go bust it out of its box.

I am exhausted so I’m going to go to bed now.  Hopefully I’ll have energy to write tomorrow.
nite!

:)

today, so far (not unemployed, school, wall texturing, painting and work)

ok, I’ve had way too much Red Bull…so bear with me. 


Hubby went to work expecting to quit (his boss is cutting everyone’s pay by 50%) and go get jobs in local restaurants.  Somehow he said no, boss said nevermind.  Weirdness.  OH, and then he’s offered to lease us the place.  Insanity, I tell you.  It’s got to be.  We should take his offer before someone Baker Acts him.

We’ve started classes again today.  We were on a break to reorganize our school area.  It’s pretty good now and we’ve so far gone through Language and Math and now they are both painting.  They started paintings for their Great Grandmother and hope to finish in time to give them to her the next time we see her.

I’m working on the bathroom, again.  I quit a while back for lack of time and ambition.  I’m doing a knockdown pattern which is halfway done.  I hope to get it all up and knock it down tomorrow when I’ve gone and got the proper tool.  My friend lent me hers to start and I need to go get my own now.  I hope they aren’t too expensive.

I also want to get an over the toilet shelf for my bathroom.  We have this monstrosity, wire shelf thing that is horrid.  it’s in the middle of the bathroom with a stack of Playboys and towels.  He refuses to leave them up where the girls can’t see them so I’ll hide the damned things and throw out that awful shelf so he can’t keep them there.

I had some jobs to finish today as well.  I’m sure I’ll get them done later.  I have so  much to do but so far we are on schedule.  That is just as motivating as the Red Bulls.  I get so much energy when I look at the clock and realize it’s 2 hours earlier than I thought.  And I’ve just finished way ahead of time! 
Woohoo!!

Ok, going to eat and finish my bathroom.  See you all later!!

Happy New Year!

I’m only popping in to wish you a Happy New Year…I’ve not slept in 2 days, I’m exhausted, I still have laundry to finish and a bed to make.  I need to get myself in bed asap or I’m gonna wake up on the floor in the morning.  I’ll go into detail about my holiday tomorrow, but for now I just wanted to say hi!

:)