I am in need of motivation

I can’t seem to focus still today. It’s getting annoying. This has to be resolved so we can move on. It’s wasting too much time.

Last night he refused to speak to me while my mom was here. He wanted her to leave before he’d talk (doesn’t want witnesses to his behavior of course) and then he didn’t say a word really after she left. He is trying to act like nothing happened today but I can see him unraveling. He had to call the lawyer to discuss some things that only he can do and he got pissed at me because I wouldn’t do it. I CAN’T do it. Obviously, since he wants me to that should be a good enough reason for me to be able to do it. I have noticed that just because he thinks it should be right, he’s convinced it is. I think his parents have imposed their Judge Judy legal expertise on him one too many times. The law is the law. You can’t bully your way to your own preferred outcome. The bank wants to repossess our truck and he’s totally nonchalant about the fact when it’s an issue of me getting in trouble (it’s in my name) but now that he’s got to go to the truck to get to work, cause I’m not letting him park here and get it repossessed in the middle of the night, well now it’s a big deal. Or is it…oh wait, he thinks he can just take my van so it’s not such a big deal now. Let ‘em have it! He’s done with bills and money problems. (yes, he said that to me yesterday). He’s delusional.

I should have been able to send money to the bank today, but due to a typical blunder by him, I can’t. He can not possibly do all these things that lead to bigger problems on accident. They have to be intentional, even if it’s a subconscious thing.

It was recommended by someone, who knows these sorts of things, that I sort of emotionally divorce him in my mind in order to be able to maintain my sanity during this all…and I have to say the tremendous relief I felt just by that small action is enormous. I can breath again. I’m not seeing spots, I don’t have chest pains…it’s nice to be able to think.

OK, there was a 6 hour break in there. Didjya notice? LOL

I went in to get coffee and a friend called and wanted to know if I wanted to watch Native Americans dancing and if so…to get my butt down to the park post haste.  So I grabbed kids and ran out of here.

AND I had an incredible night.  I need to get some thoughts in order and then I will write more.  I have so many feelings and ideas and things I can’t even classify going through my head right now.  I need to sort it out.  I’ll be back a little later I think.