You get what you expect out of life

Or at least I think that is right.

It’s very hard to trust someone when you aren’t sure which “personality” you are going to get.  It’s very hard to be married to someone like that.  I want to believe that I could be positive and expect great things and that all would be fine and my world would just be wonderful.  I really do.  I just can’t seem to convince myself to feel that with my whole heart any more.

I’m not sure if I don’t feel that way because events are starting to shift or if events are starting to shift because I feel that way.  I made a comment a while back that maybe his drinking wasn’t the problem really.  Maybe the problem was my expectations of what would occur when he drank.  Then that little voice in my head that can’t be shut up calls me a stupid asshole for thinking something so incredibly ignorant.

I will acknowledge that he has made great progress in the way of self discovery and in motivating himself.  That I can not deny.  But just because he’s made progress, does that mean that I should put up with being treated like I’m either offensive or only here to cater to his needs.  I don’t think so.  I’m afraid the only feelings I have for him any more are resentment and pity.  I do not respect him, he’s entirely to manipulative for that.  I don’t like him, he’s only concerned for his own feelings and who wants to spend time with someone like that?

Could these feelings be temporary?  Is this some sort of stage you go through?  Total hell > Progress > Set back towards hell again > progress > set back > progress > finally reaching the goal!  Or is it just the way it’s going to be forever?  I can’t remain in a relationship with someone who I don’t respect and who doesn’t respect me, who I don’t like being around, who pushes my buttons just to get me upset (and enjoys it, it seems), and who is just so negative so often that the future can only be a dismal existence with much bickering or totally living on other ends of the house (like his parents do).
I don’t want this to be over but I do.  I also don’t want to change someone else.  But this is not the person I married.  I feel like I got my luggage mixed on a trip…I left with the bright happy adventurous set of Samsonite luggage that could never be harmed, and I came back to find all my belongings in the Wal-Mart duffle bags that are being held together by duct tape.

I’m not sure what to do.  I’m very confused over if I should face the facts and just end it.   It’s a horrible example for my kids to see us this way.

Ok, I had to get that out before I just burst into tears.  I have to work so there is no time for that.  Thanks for listening.

:)