I got my motivation…

I need to work on it more though.  And I’m just plain wiped out tonight.  I spent a few hours sitting on the ground listening to Native American music and watching dancers.  We also walked around and looked at crafts and jewelry.  And after a good healthy smudging…I’m really in need of a long nights sleep.

I did have a vision tonight.  Perhaps a vision of what is to come.  Or maybe it was my own inner strength making an appearance.  I had an experience that touched me in a way that my only possible reaction was to cry, much to the confusion of others who noticed.  I also discovered that these are the people I need to be among.  I need it like a body needs air. I felt like I was where I belonged.  I felt an enormous amount of peace.  I’d like to live that feeling, not just visit it once a year.

I have a lot of building up of my self esteem to do and a lot of decisions to make.  It is painfully clear that he has no intention of stopping drinking, he was reeking of alcohol when I picked him up tonight. So much so that my mom, who was in the back of the van, asked me if he’d been drinking (once she’d gotten home and could IM me without him blowing up).  He also kept asking me if I was actually coming to bed tonight.  That alone shows how much he had to drink.  I’ve not gone in there for days because he’s just venomous and the negativity is oozing out of him AND I’m not really fond of the idea of sleeping in the same bed with a person who despises me and thinks I’m a horrible bitch who is responsible for all our woes…for some reason though last night in the middle of the night I wandered in to the bed.  I think I ended up in there purely to see how great our new mattress was  He totally despises and can’t seem to bitch enough about it.  Personally, I thought it was very comfortable.  I told him so.  Then he went on about how we need to buy one of those sleep number beds…and I’m thinking, “yeah right Buddy!  We need to spend money on filing for a divorce and counseling for our kids.  Not a fucking bed!”

Ok, I’m losing my feeling that I had before.  I need to keep it in order to accomplish what I want tonight.  I really think a door was opened tonight.  One that I’ve had locked for so long that I had forgotten it was there.  And it was the kind of door that only a stranger would even dare to unlock.

The possible repercussions are just too great for some people I know.

I’m getting delirious now.  I’m going to bed.  See you tomorrow.
 
:)