I think that most people do something drastic to declare their independence or to mark change in their world. They cut or color their hair in an entirely new way. They go nuts and paint the house something wonderfully “them”. They just step out of the normal path and do something that screams, ‘I’m me! I’m alive! I’ll survive!!”
I’m sure I’ll eventually get to all of the above, but for starters, I finally gave my blog a face it could be proud of. Or at least a face that is all it’s own. It’s unique. It’s not a cookie cutter template that I found for free somewhere. It’s all mine. And I made it. Yes, I MADE it. As in designed, fiddled with php and css for hours on end and then uploaded and confused at least 70 people while I touched up the final steps. I made it and I like it. It’s really a work in progress though, much like my life. I am missing something vital that I wanted to add, I just don’t know what that is exactly. I’m sure I’ll know when I find it.
Today marks a new life for me. Whether that life involves divorce we shall see, but I certainly set in motion a chain of events that will either break or fix this relationship post haste.
Without going into great detail, purely because I see no reason to relive that particular few hours of my life at this time, I will say that I finally reached my limit. I have had enormous amounts of frustrated rage festering in my soul for years. And today I just totally could not hold it in any longer. I see no reason why I should suffer and in turn make our children suffer (they get a mom with a short fuse and no sense of humor when they did nothing to deserve such things) and I won’t do it any longer. Of course, in true fashion, when I blew up…he walked out. And I felt such an enormous amount of relief. It was wonderful. And then he came back a few hours later. I have never been so disappointed.
I’ve come to terms with the fact that the person I married is dead and gone and never coming back. It really only hit me that this was true when he left and I was not one bit sorry to see him go. I even searched for some bit of emotion…anything but anger, that I have plenty of. But I have no feelings about our relationship left. Well, the anger but that isn’t exactly a healthy feeling. :-)
So, he left, he came back, he says he refuses to speak to me and then starts talking to me 5 minutes later…he’s sadly in need of therapy, only he refuses to get any outside help because he doesn’t want anyone knowing our business. Do you think he’d shit bricks if he knew about the blog?? LOL Well, with his attitude towards therapy, and the fact that we can’t have a conversation that is productive and doesn’t involve him throwing a temper tantrum…I’d say the whole thing is a lost cause. I think that at this point it’s insane to even keep the charade going.
I know that tomorrow morning he is going to try to act like it was just a bad night, or maybe he won’t be speaking to me still. He’s like that…you never know how he’s gonna try to keep his world status quo. But I do know that I can’t live like this any longer. If it means upsetting my kids and selling my house and moving in with my mom and starting my life over without the Sheriff knocking on my door once a week to serve me with papers for something related to something he did and would not let me have any input on….then I say “Bring it on! I’m up for an adventure.”
And now, since he’s barricaded himself in my bedroom and I have the girls and their friend sleeping in the family room…I guess I’ll go crash on the couch next to the girls and at least have someone who loves me next to me for the night. And I couldn’t ask for a better set of girls to love me. I am truly grateful for their being in my life, and I have never regretted marrying him simply because I have the most awesome kids on the planet and I’d never want it any other way.
I’m off to bed. Goodnight!!
:)
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