MERRY CHRISTMAS!

I hope every one of you has a wonderful Christmas!!  

I just finished wrapping gifts, and now I’m going to get horizontal for a few hours.  See you after the festivities are over!

:)

Unstable men

I know that my friends and my mom worry about me and the girls here, and lately I’m starting to wonder just HOW unstable the ole hubby really is.  Nothing has happened here, but there has been a new reason for me to take yet another look at the possibilities.

This morning we woke up and I drank my coffee while he read some news article that he was browsing through.  It seems a man in the area killed his ex wife, their two children and the ex wife’s live in girlfriend/lover.  I think hubby’s comments were mostly aimed at the concept that some guy went nuts after his wife left him for a woman.  That was the end of it.  I was immediately aware that this was a good opportunity to bring up how absolutely sad that was that some person thought they had the right to take another persons life, and no matter what she had done, it did not warrant a death sentence for her, her kids and the lover (who had a 4 yr old as well, btw). Just so he knew my point on the matter in case he was considering such a thing.    That was the end of discussing it.  Or so I thought.

A few hours after he left for work, my friend calls me.  She’s in shock. She’s freaked.  She’s whispering.  I’m like, “What happened????”

Her, “Did you read the paper today?”

Me, “No”

Her, “Oh my God!! I’m in shock, I can’t believe it!  I opened it up and the front page says 5 Die in Family Murder/Suicide” and I see the names and Oh my God!! I know them!  WE know them!  etc, etc….”

Turns out we do know them. She better than I, but we do.  After a conversation shortened by children barging in (children who knew them too and who seemed to have radar and knew we didn’t want them within earshot to even hear the slightest bit of this), she gets upset and tells me that she’s worried my hubby is going to do the same.

Now, I have already admitted this is not a foreign idea…and that I’m fairy sure he’s not entirely emotionally stable…but how do you determine whether someone is “murder/suicide unstable” or just “I’m so stressed I’ll revert to being like my chauvinistic drunken asshole father and make up conversations we never even had unstable”?? And is there much difference?  AND if I get paranoid and leave will it make him going from not dangerous unstable to dangerous unstable?

I have to say my gut says I should be very cautious but I don’t feel him doing anything like that.  I think cautious here is more about me getting my ducks in a row before I spring anything like divorce papers on him cause that is going to make him just a little more unstable.  But I see him downing a few bottles of scotch, spending the rest of his life bitching about what a miserable horrid bitch I am to his parents or anyone who will listen.

And, going back to the guy who did kill his kids and ex wife…HE was SO not someone you’d ever think was capable of that.  Oh my God!! He LOVED, no..he ADORED, WORSHIPPED his kids.  He was so happy, loving, open minded, it’s just fucking a shock to believe that this man did this.  You never would have known!  I guess he snapped after the whole divorce and his wife leaving for a woman, but…if he can snap, then anyone in the world could!

How do you know?

Being pissed isn’t helping my productivity

So I’ve decided to drop the emotions involved with mom’s problem with the bank and get on with my work.  I’ve become WAY overbooked today and must finish some jobs today.  I won’t be getting anywhere dragging all that around.  Have you ever noticed how heavy that crap (being mad and indignant) is?  It’s exhausting to carry around all day.

OK, I’m off to have coffee, do some planning for the day and give myself a general attitude adjustment.
See you all later on!

Have a great day,

:)

I wish I could record the thoughts in my head…

…straight to my computer.  I have these amazing, blog entry worthy thoughts but…always when I can’t write them down.  I start thinking in the shower or while driving and I clearly see why I do things.  I find the process fascinating, it’s like a series of locks, clicking to an unlocked position and each one that I go through grants me a little more clarity.

Then I get distracted and the thought it lost forever.

An example that I just remembered:  I’m driving to a party for my kids last night and I’m thinking about my “I want to be like Dolly post”.  And I’m like, “Ok, it would be great to be like Dolly but I can’t ACT like Dolly.  That’s just nuts.  How can I actually ACT like her??”  I’m not talking about talking like her or anything, I’m talking about being that outgoing and happy and just loving life so much that I make people around me enjoy life just by being in my presence.  Making people feel important and good without being a servant to them.  My mom mentioned a quote about “Dance to the song of life and people will dance with you”, that reminds me of the feeling I’m searching for.

And my “other” voice, defiant as usual…”WHY can’t I act like that??  Who the hell is in charge of this life, if not me?  And so what if the miserable bastards I’m around now think I’m nuts?  Their opinions don’t mean squat!  I don’t want to be bowing to the opinion of a miserable bastard! That’s more nuts than letting myself be someone people enjoy being around!”

Ok, so I have in-depth discussions with myself.  But for so many years…there was no other voice in my head.  There was no instinct to survive.  I was a numb lump of shit.  So if I chatting with my “other” voice in my head is what it takes to build up the nerve to be all I can be…well, I guess I’m just gonna have to do it.

I don’t want to be scared to live anymore.  I don’t want to be scared of who I really am.  I’m deathly afraid of letting myself be me.  I could get into a whole explanation right now but I have to go get some work done.  I will say that breaking the spirit of a child by scaring them into being quiet, just so that an adult can do whatever it is adults have to do…and putting them down because the adult can’t understand their need to be outgoing…can do some serious damage.  Serious.  It can cause kids to think they aren’t worth as much as that TV show you want to watch or that book you want to read.  It can also create adults who think they aren’t worth as much as everyone else.  Adults who think the world would be better off without them.  Adults who continue the cycle of abuse (yes, scaring someone into doing what you want is abusive) with their own kids because they don’t realize they are even doing it.

I’m not going to be scared to live anymore, dammit!! Even if I use my kids as an excuse why I need to change…it’s a start.   I want my kids to enjoy being them.  I never want my children to be convinced that if they were gone, the world would run a little smoother.  That one thought is enough to get me motivated I think.

Ok, going to work now…see you all later!!

:)

really quick update

ok, I have 3.5 minutes so let’s get you up to speed:

• hubby and I had a very positive chat a week or more ago (who can tell, time seems to fold over itself here)
• hubby relapsed within days and had to be told off, I mean, chatted with again.
• power was turned off in house had to go to moms (they actually get all bent out of shape when you don’t pay the bill!!)
• hubby relapsed again
• spent 3 days at moms with crabby hubby and crazy brother
• got money, paid light bill
• found out internet was being turned off
• got money, paid internet bill
• hubby relapses again and has to be told this isn’t worth it and I’m so over the bullshit that I just don’t even want to waste my energy on the relationship anymore
• ten minutes later hubby is talking to me like nothing happened and wants to know if we can be friends again.  I’m not sure I responded to that but he seems to think we are friends again.

This is a basic rundown of events but you get the idea…shit here is not fun, I’m worn out…and yet I’m still optimistic.  I refuse to give up.  I just keep going down the wrong paths apparently
I do wish I could find the right path.

I’ll just have to keep looking.

:)

How well do you know the US?

I was surprised I got some of these right!  LOL  I got 84%….

Take the quiz:  How well do you know the US?

Dolly Rules!

I have always liked Dolly’s attitude.  She’s happy, positive, enthusiastic, optimistic, charitable, hospitable, caring, AND she can sing!  I think that is who I’m going to try to use as a role model.  Dolly Parton.  She’s the one.

It’s time to be drastic, to take a chance, to be someone I can respect.  I want to know that when I leave this world, I will have made a difference.  I will also have shaped the lives of two incredible and vital members of their generation.  I will have made my son also happy with his life (although he’s off on his own so I will have to accept that he’s making his own choices and trust him to make the right ones.)
in the not so accurate words of Andy Dufresne (or actually Stephen King and I’m tired as hell so this might not be quoted to a “T”)…It’s time to get busy living or get busy dying…

I choose to LIVE.

:)

Something to relax to

Or if you are like me, more stuff to add to your website….

www.SharkBreak.com

PS.  I tried to embed the widget but it blew up my site…so if you plan on adding it to your site (it is very cool) just make sure you view the page before you wander off…

Updates from the land of chaos

Things here are the same, pretty much.  I’m building my business and working on providing enough income to support myself and the girls.  And the dog, cat and turtles.  Probably the saltwater tank since it’s been reduced to one for now.  The girls and I will most likely be at moms again in a day or so, since the power here will be getting shut off.  Never a dull day here.  I’m juggling two major clients, a handful of small ones and some big internal projects…I’m psyched and moving forward, despite dragging his dead weight.  And no matter how much I make, it’s just not enough.  The hole is too big.  And he’s basically hiding in his office watching YouTube (my 8 year old’s desciption of how dad spends his time, not mine) and bitching about how everyone else is a bunch of lazy, worthless, miserable assholes that are just trying to fuck with him.

*sigh*

Well, all we can do is keep moving forward, right?

I went and had my nails done this weekend after a marketing seminar that I went to.  I hadn’t planned on it, but my mom and the girls were there still when I got done so I met them.  They were having a girls day out (avoiding dad and the cloud of misery) and having quite a good time.   I have day-glo pink nails that you can probably see from 10 miles away.  The girls picked it out.  I love it. 
I spent so much of my life in dark or natural colors…trying to blend into the wall I think.  My Best Friend in KC once commented on how she had no idea I liked bright colors.  I was shocked!  I LOVE bright colors.  I’m gonna go on a wild bright color painting kick before they finally take the house away from us!! LOL  Anyway, I was just shocked but then I thought about it.  She was with me from 5th grade til 9th grade.  Then I moved 2000 miles away.  We’ve seen each other a dozen times since.  All she saw me in was jeans, concert t-shirts and black Members Only jackets (fake ones actually, no WAY my dad would fork over the money to buy me a REAL one).  So she knows me, but she doesn’t know me.

I think that when I started thinking about her not knowing me, and going over all the things she wasn’t aware of about me…I realized I didn’t know myself.  I liked all this stuff, wanted to be all these things…and what was I doing?  Not a fucking bit of it.  I was living someone else’s life!!  Talk about a shock!!

So now my wardrobe is mostly jeans and black pants…some khaki…and lots of bright BRIGHT pink, orange, coral, green, patchwork, rainbow…shirts.  I have one black concert t-shirt.  But it’s from a Journey concert I took my mom to at the PNC Arts Center in NJ a while back.  So, it’s not like a Deep Purple, Lynyrd Skynyrd, or Slayer black T-shirt.  It just doesn’t have the attitude.  I have some white ones too…but those are mostly horse product tshirts I got when volunteering at shelters.  Everyone wanted the dog and cat stuff, so I took all the horse stuff…worked for me.


I’ve got the itch for some bright pink Manic Panic in my hair again too…not the whole thing, but maybe just the underneath part in the back…or some tips.

My inner artist is out.  It’s loose.  It’s free!!!!  And it’s gonna paint some fucking thing soon or it’s gonna go nuts!! LOL

I have to go get some work done…I’ll try to get back in here more often.  It’s hard but I miss my blogtherapy…I think I NEED my blogtherapy.

:)

I got an award!!

For babbling!! LOL

Thanks Solarisgal…you rock!

(the award is to the left at the top of the sidebar)

:)

P.S.  I wasn’t the only one who got one…I should mention my fellow blogging award winners here:
Jaded got the Open Mind Blogger Award
Lara got the Break Out Blogger Award
MT_Detroit also got the Blogging Community Involvement Award
Meg got the Courageous Blogger Award
AkaKarma got the Blogging That Hits the Spot Award
KissMeKate also got the Blogging That Hits the Spot Award
LimerickGal got the Rockin’ Girl Blogger Award
What can I say? I hang with an award winning crowd?  LOL

I am developing a disturbing dislike for

members of the opposite sex.  I can not believe that every man out there is insensitive, selfish, thoughtless, irresponsible, and is only motivated to be nice when he thinks he might have a chance at getting laid…BUT I’m getting close to believing.

I hope when this is all over, I can find a way to get rid of that feeling.  It really does suck to feel so negatively about people based only on the fact that they have a penis.

And yes, I see no way this relationship can be recovered.  I’ve emotionally divorced him at this point and it’s the only thing that has made life bearable.  Being pissed off all the time was just exhausting.  Now, I just don’t care.  I’ve had 2 WTF moments with him in the last week and they were honestly the final straw.  I might get into it around PMS time if I feel the need to vent but right now let’s just say I’ve seen where I stand in his list of priorities.

And I’m not amused by what I saw.

I pretty much rank after the advertisement papers in the Sunday newspaper.  I do hope he’ll be happy when those are the only thing he has to speak to in the future.

Ok, I’m taking my crabby ass to bed.

nite all!

:)

If I weren’t in the middle of PMS…

would this still seem as funny?  Yeah…I’m sure it would! LOL

UCLA STUDY

A study conducted by UCLA’s Department of Psychiatry has revealed that
the kind of face a woman finds attractive on a man can differ
depending on where she is in her menstrual cycle.

For example: If she is ovulating, she is attracted to men with rugged
and masculine features. However, if she is menstruating or menopausal,
she tends to be more attracted to a man with duct tape over his mouth
and a spear lodged in his forehead while he is on fire.

No further studies are expected.

It’s not so bad

sorry Solaris, I’m not gonna freak you out tonight.


As of today, either his will to survive has kicked in or he’s just manipulating me into thinking he’s attempting to make a change. I suggested that maybe he needs a new job since 1. they aren’t paying him nearly what was promised 2. the stress level is way beyond what was implied and 3. he’s miserable as hell. I think that when you try to go against what you were meant to do, you can NOT be happy and you can NOT succeed. (and he’s taken not succeeding to a whole new level recently.) Just like we can’t be happy in a relationship where we are not allowed to be ourselves, we can not do a job that deprives us of our natural character. He’s always done things that make him miserable. He grew up thinking you were supposed to be miserable. His parents reek of misery. They have money (their goal in life)…but all their kids are emotionally fucked up and no one likes them much. I’d rather have my loving family and my money problems, thanks. Well, I’m not so sure my husband likes me much right now, but I have 3 kids that do, 1 mom and 100 very close relatives that would be willing to give me the time of day…so I consider myself pretty well off.

Back to the job issue. I politely suggested (reality: I IM’d his ass with links and an attitude) that he check some sites my mom found with scuba diving jobs. I did also mention that if he did not make some sort of change in a positive direction that he’d be spending 16 hours a day being depressed and watching nothing but youtube videos from his parents house instead of his office here. Within an hour there was someone calling about a job interview. Obviously I hit some nerve.

Later that day, he had dragged out a box of sea treasures out to show the kids. We have things from the Atocha, the USS San Diego and a few other wrecks that he was explaining to the girls for quite a long time.

Please let this be the right path for him! When we met he was in pre-med classes at a fairly high level school in NJ and switched towards a degree in Marine Biology because that was what really interested him. He had also just bought his father’s restaurant so the college courses came to an abrupt halt shortly after that. But he loves this stuff. I can’t even count how many salt water tanks we have in our home. Really. They are everywhere. I even had plans made up to move our small galley kitchen and make the area it is in now into a fish tank. Sort of a huge room divider 1000 gallon fish tank. (Yes, I was serious about that.) We have created our own reefs, he propagates corals, we hatch shark eggs…our house is a living science class. HE LOVES THIS STUFF! I like it too. But I don’t want to do it for a living. Or at least I never considered it. I was going to school to become a veterinarian so, really, it’s not all that far off from my original plans for life. I had planned on fixing horses instead of sea horses though.

Speaking of careers, I’ve been getting comments lately that are making me stop and realize…(please don’t take this the wrong way)…I’m damned good at what I do. It’s people that are hiring me saying so. Then they send me uncomfortably large sums of money…uncomfortable for me since i still have the mindset that what I do is easy so I shouldn’t charge much for it. I’ve only just begun to change my mind about money…I think certain words like “foreclosure” and “repossession” help change your ideas about money real quick. LOL Anyway, I realized I’m good at what I do. I don’t ever dread working. I ‘could’ be earning enough money to pay all the bills if I’d quit trying to shortchange myself.
If hubby could be as happy at his work as I am at mine…I think we could accomplish so much more.
I could also be just fine living in a little bungalow in the Keys as long as I have high speed internet and access to horses within an hour drive or boat ride.

Ok, gotta get some stuff done. I just wanted to let you know I’ve not totally pulled the plug but was feeling some serious frustration the other day.

Talk to you all later!!
:)

I hate to say this

but even with the alcohol the shit here is going bad again.  Did I really think things were going to be so great?  I was very hopeful.

I’ve tried not to bitch too much, but I’m going to have to take action. After talking to my mom and best friend from when I was 10 for hours last night…I have realized that denial isn’t getting me anywhere.
I can bitch about all that hubby does wrong, but that won’t get me any closer to being happy.
I can make a plan and stick to it no matter what Captain Chaos tries to throw my way.  That is the only option really.  Oh, the thought of that makes me tired.  But I am almost as tired of being tired as I am of listening to myself whine.

So, I say to everyone in my usual tactless way…it’s time for me to shit or get off the pot.  If you want to hang around, you are more than welcome to.  But don’t bitch at me when it starts to get unpleasant in here!  LOL

The prospects of what my future holds scares me to the point of hives.  I am literally breaking out in large welts all over my face as I type.

As of this moment, all I can do is work on my own and my girls futures…even if it means creating progress in a warzone.  It has to be done for all of our sakes.

And I can’t keep typing to avoid life (as much as I’d like to).  I’ll be back later.

I am now putting on my shiny suit of armor and mounting my magnificent steed…the battle with my own bad habits and lack of self worth is about to commence…consider yourselves warned!

:)

Search results

There seems to be quite a few people searching for Anthony Corder from Tora Tora out there. I was gonna try to help you out by directing you down the right path, but my own rock and roll sources seem to have given up on the net. Oh well. It happens. The only significant bit of information out there is on MySpace on the Tora Tora band page…and that’s not exactly up to date. I got all excited thinking I could watch the Walking Shoes or Amnesia videos…but…no such luck. They have links up but they are dead. You can hear Faith Healer and Dancing with a Gypsy though, so it’s not a completely wasted trip. And if you look in their friends list…L’Amour??? IN STATEN ISLAND?? When the HELL did that happen?? Damn. I am farther out of the loop than I realized.

And as for the other search strings in my stats…some are just plain disturbing. Maybe not so much that they were searching for these things but…HOW did my site come up in the search results?? I know the strangest crap happens in search engine land, but still…it’s just odd. And no I’m not going to list them all. I don’t want more people finding my site when they search for these things only to realize that I was bitching about people finding my site when they search for these things. Not only would that be frustrating, it’d also be rude. I’m sure their needs are very real and important, I just don’t have anything to offer them here.

Ok, I’m about a pot of caffeine shy of being functional. Going to dance around the coffee maker while it slowly drips, drips, drips….

:)

The noxious cloud hovering over my house

is the two bottles of perfume that the girls sprayed onto some paper (not sure why) and then tried to hide (yeah, right!).

The stench is hideous.  We might have to eat out on the driveway.  I just went to the kitchen to start cooking and had to leave because my eyes were watering.

They made me sit still for a makeover today.  That was fun too.  I had to slowly scrub bits off over a period of time so they’d not notice.  I was absolutely frightening, but they thought it was beautiful and that is what counts.

Ok, off to figure out how to cook in a room I can’t breathe in.  Talk to you all later!

:)

Thinking too much

Mom told me I was thinking too much the other day. She might be right. Maybe. But I’m not guaranteeing it.

I have been on autopilot for too many years, so I can afford to over think things. Right? Besides, it seems my over thinking how I’m treated freaks out certain members of previous generations. It’s like my feeling as if I shouldn’t have to put up with being ignored (you KNOW what you did is written all over the few dirty looks I get) or with my life and my kids lives being scattered into chaos everytime someone else wants to be a drama queen (”he IS the husband you know…they get like that” is the comments that are given as excuses).

I am also officially on the shit list for voicing my opinion about my father-in-law the other day. Hubby’s mom had the nerve to say “He doesn’t mean to be mean and make “hubby” upset. It’s just the way he is.” To which I replied, “His way IS to be mean and make “hubby” upset.” I’m not sure she actually spoke to me after that. I was too busy getting the kids stuff together to get out of there. Hey, when you turn out three totally fucked up kids…OCD, SuperDramaQueen Syndrome, EverythingIsEveryoneElse’sFault Syndrome, and IMUSThavealcohol/drugsOrICan’tCope Syndrome then maybe, just MAYBE, your “ways” are really fucked up.

I really don’t give a shit how things were done in the old days, in the old country or in anything else old. If something does not work, it does not work. And shit was done the way it was done because no one knew better! Life is about learning and growing. We have one generation out there expecting people to do their jobs and be responsible as far as the neighbors can tell, but in private they expect to be able to take out their frustrations on their wives and children and abuse them physically and sexually, and expect them to not tell what happens at home. Those kids grew up to be even more emotionally detached from the world and needed drugs just to cope with the act of working and raising a family. And then their kids grew up to say “I care about you as much as my parents and society cared about me! Which is to say, “Fuck off! Leave me alone, I’ll take what I want and if you or I die in the process, then it’s not big deal cause we aren’t worth that much anyway.”

It’s not rocket science to see that each generation effects the next. We are products of the environment we grew up in. Who we are inside determines how we handle the information we receive. Some people grow up in an abusive atmoshere and totally shut down, take their blows and then grow up to repeat the cycle. Others take the blows and grow up to be so bitter and pissed off that no one came in to save them that they go out and randomly kill a bunch of people when the bitterness has warped their minds enough. And yet some other people take their blows while plotting a way out, escape, and learn from the experience. They make sure that their children are raised in a loving, open environment.

I can see in hubby and his brother and sister, how each coped with an abusive environment and how it shaped them into who they are now.

I can see how my brother and I coped with our abusive environment and how each of us turned out.
All five people are so completely and incredibly different…and yet, if each one was to learn a bit about coping with stressful situations and were to put some effort into learning how to undo the crap the lies they were taught, they’d be much much happier people.  It wouldn’t take much effort…just a desire to be a better healthier person.

I include myself in there. I think I’ve come a long way in learning that my dad was NOT right and that I’m way more capable than he implied. BUT I still have that trigger in my head that pulls me back and feeds me doubt when I go into situations…sort of like Pavlov’s dogs…I’m all gung-ho til I hit the bell…and then I doubt myself and my talent and I have to work hard to kick that nay-sayers ass…I can do it, but I need to keep looking for a better way to do it. There has to be something that I’ve not found yet that would completely eliminate it.

I’m working hard on making a change, and there is no “trying” really…I have no choice in the matter. I have two little girls that will some day grow up and be in a relationship…and it’s my job to teach them the difference between a healthy relationship and a sick one. And it’s my job to teach them how to tell the difference and that they have the right to leave it if it’s unhealthy. I hope they are learning during our own trials over here, I’m sure they see most of what is going on. I don’t hide my emotions, I think it’s perfectly ok for people to feel what they feel. All that hiding stuff…it’s a recipe for disaster. It teaches kids to hide other things and that is just too scary to consider.

You get what you expect out of life

Or at least I think that is right.

It’s very hard to trust someone when you aren’t sure which “personality” you are going to get.  It’s very hard to be married to someone like that.  I want to believe that I could be positive and expect great things and that all would be fine and my world would just be wonderful.  I really do.  I just can’t seem to convince myself to feel that with my whole heart any more.

I’m not sure if I don’t feel that way because events are starting to shift or if events are starting to shift because I feel that way.  I made a comment a while back that maybe his drinking wasn’t the problem really.  Maybe the problem was my expectations of what would occur when he drank.  Then that little voice in my head that can’t be shut up calls me a stupid asshole for thinking something so incredibly ignorant.

I will acknowledge that he has made great progress in the way of self discovery and in motivating himself.  That I can not deny.  But just because he’s made progress, does that mean that I should put up with being treated like I’m either offensive or only here to cater to his needs.  I don’t think so.  I’m afraid the only feelings I have for him any more are resentment and pity.  I do not respect him, he’s entirely to manipulative for that.  I don’t like him, he’s only concerned for his own feelings and who wants to spend time with someone like that?

Could these feelings be temporary?  Is this some sort of stage you go through?  Total hell > Progress > Set back towards hell again > progress > set back > progress > finally reaching the goal!  Or is it just the way it’s going to be forever?  I can’t remain in a relationship with someone who I don’t respect and who doesn’t respect me, who I don’t like being around, who pushes my buttons just to get me upset (and enjoys it, it seems), and who is just so negative so often that the future can only be a dismal existence with much bickering or totally living on other ends of the house (like his parents do).
I don’t want this to be over but I do.  I also don’t want to change someone else.  But this is not the person I married.  I feel like I got my luggage mixed on a trip…I left with the bright happy adventurous set of Samsonite luggage that could never be harmed, and I came back to find all my belongings in the Wal-Mart duffle bags that are being held together by duct tape.

I’m not sure what to do.  I’m very confused over if I should face the facts and just end it.   It’s a horrible example for my kids to see us this way.

Ok, I had to get that out before I just burst into tears.  I have to work so there is no time for that.  Thanks for listening.

:)

I think I’m allergic to Florida

My head is leaking.

My eyes are swollen.

I just sneezed so hard and long that my chair rolled across the office.

What did I do today? Clean the attic? Scrub moldy pipes? Any activity that normally induces such reactions?

NO……

I just went to the beach.

Yes, the beach. I spent about 6 hours sitting in the surf on some sand in the Gulf of Mexico.

AND! I have been taking my Claritan!! I hate to imagine what I’d be like without it.
 
Ok, I’m useless and whiney and just need to hide someplace dark so my eyes will stop hurting.

Later taters!

:D

Tuning the piano - this really has nothing to do with pianos or music - just so you don’t think I misled you :)

One of the many Tony Robbins CDs I have mentions something that has been coming to mind a lot lately. He mentions that he has a piano that needs tuning so he calls a piano tuner. The guy comes out and tunes it and then says he’ll be back in a short time. Tony Robbins asks why he’ll be back, didn’t he just tune the piano? The guy says, “Yes, but it’s been out of tune so long that it will slip back to where it was and I’ll need to keep putting it where we want it to stay until it stays on it’s own” (not exact quote but same basic idea).

People who are trying to change ideas, habits, attitudes, thoughts…whatever it is…are like a piano that has been out of tune for a long time.  You get focussed, you push on towards your goal, you start to slip, you make a complete nosedive and then you are back where you started saying, “See? That didn’t work! I can’t do it!”  BUT if you were to pick yourself up, brush yourself off and get back in the saddle with determination and faith that this time you would be able to reach your goal…You would make it farther than last time before you slipped (IF you slip at all).  And each time this happens, you might make it twice as long as the last.  And the possibilities in between “down time” are endless.  So, this is completely hypothetical but…let’s say you spend 2 days being gung-ho about a new project and 30 days in a depressed funk, and then you pull yourself up and you spend 4 days working toward the goal and then slip off for about 15 days….then it’s 8 working days and 7 days of being sort of depressed over the state of things…then it’s 16 days of productive positive steps and 3 days of sitting on the couch watching soap operas…then 32 days of up time, 1 day of down time…  See where this is going?  Each time you picked yourself up and started back towards the goal, you were “tuning the piano”.  And the need for it slowly became less and less and less until it looked more like a half day of sitting in your jammies, eating chocolate ice cream from the carton and reading “Psycho-Cybernetics”  instead of a full blown bout of depression.

I used to make a plan and chart it out and have diagrams and affirmations on post-its all over the house…and then get used to seeing them and not really “see” them and just slide back into my old slump…NOW, I notice I’m going into a slump and think, “Time to tune the piano!” and I am able to get focussed again and keep going on my way towards my goal.

It’s not easy to spot when you begin to slide back into a slump, but I think when you get tired of hearing yourself complain about it and make the decision to put your foot down and make it work for you, then you start to notice. I think it’s really a matter of how bad you want it. Do you want to be successful and happy ENOUGH to pull yourself out of your comfort zone AND AND AND are you willing to do what it takes to STAY OUT of that comfort zone? Are you ready to make a new comfort zone?

I firmly believe that we are all capable of doing whatever it is we want to do. I also believe that we deprive ourselves of what we say we want because it’s a scary thing to leave that area you know so well…even if it is an area of stress, pain, misery, depression…whatever…it’s yours, you know it, it doesn’t change, it’s comfortable!

I’ve put my foot down. I just have to keep putting it back down. And while I seem to be catching myself slipping back into the old habits, at least I’m catching it! I never noticed before. That is progress, I think. Now that I’ve hit that stage, I hope the process of reprogramming myself with good habits will speed up and things will really start to get increasingly better here.

I’m sure they will get better. And I’m afraid it’s going to be me to make the first significant step here cause hubby has way too far to go to be the one to grab hold of the reins and do what needs to be done. He’s trying. He really is. But he’s got a ways to go before he can make it more than a day or two without being ready to give up on himself. And while that sucks, it’s better than having him at the stage where he’s already given up and is inebriated and a liability to our entire future.

I see progress here. I’m very optimistic about it all. We are going to accomplish our dreams…it WILL happen.

Ice skating in Florida

We went ice skating today.  Well, the girls went.  I wanted to but I was afraid I’d fall on my butt in front of 200 homeschoolers.  Yes, I caved into the pressure and didn’t skate with my girls.  I’m an ass.  We are going back and I swear I’m going to do it.  The look of disappointment was too much.  Last week we went to the town pool with friends.  They’ve built this great pool complex complete with a giant water-park sized water slide.  My friend was having a bad day and since we were due to meet at the pool for a homeshool meeting, I called to check on her status.  She informed me at that point that I’d BETTER be bringing my bathing suit.  If she had to get in with her 3 year old, I had just BETTER be going with her.  Tears were on the way, and it seemed like going along with it seemed like a good plan.

Well..let me tell you…I don’t wear a bathing suit in public.  I hate wearing one in my own pool.  I despise what my body has gone and done to itself while I was trying to hide under a rock these last 10 years…BUT I HAD FUN!!  She and I went down the water slide.  The look on my kids faces was worth a million dollars!  MOM WENT DOWN THE SLIDE!!! BAHAHAHAHA!!!!  Good thing they didn’t think of getting the camera out until we’d already done it.  :

Ok, that is better….

I spent over an hour tonight, possibly 2…fixing this blog. The css for the site was borked and making me nuts. It’s been that way for months but tonight it just irked me over the edge.

There were no line breaks!

It was all smooshed up together!

There was no white space!!

It was horrid.

The proper tags were in the source code but not working in the visible page. So, I tore it apart and here were are. My sidebar is a bit “off” but…it’s almost 4am. It can wait til tomorrow.

I was thinking of Solaris being a Night-Owl and how we’ve all corrupted her on so many levels (insert lollies here) , and I was working on CSS and well….my brain started wandering off into where ever it goes when I’m not holding the reins.  I have music playing during this time as well…this is a big part of where this is going, mind you.

So I’m floating in my own virtual petri dish composed of my past memories and the music suddenly snaps me back.  But not back to the present…I am suddenly 16 years old, crawling in the house at 9am, too much makeup, too much hairspray, not enough clothes…and my father is in the kitchen, sees me and says, “Well, look what the cat dragged in”…and being that was one of my favorite songs at the time, I thought it was a compliment.  So I grabbed some toast and took my exhausted, leather and lace clad skinny self up to bed to sleep til it was time to go out later.  Oh, yes, the song that came on was “Look What The Cat Dragged In” by Poison.

This happens all the time (not coming in at 9am after an evening or two of total decadence and debauchery, but the music inspired trips down memory lane).  I’m not sure if it’s normal for anyone else, but it’s very normal for me.  I grew up in music world though, it could just be me.

I have been playing music, singing, and working/married to the music industry…or rather…WAS until I met current hubby.

OO OO OO …    (hang on, shifting gears…)

I’m one of those people who stops what they are doing to announce the current song that just came on.  At least when I like it.  OR it’s really funny.

So Queensryche just came on.  OMG!!  Queensryche and Mindcrime have Wikipedia pages!!!!!  And they recorded Mindcrime in PA??  A couple of hours from where I lived???  (I honestly went to see if I could find the lyrics to what was on so I could copy and paste something but…I got totally sidetracked by that, sorry)

Everybody shift gears again!!

There are two voices that will absolutely meld with my soul while I’m listening to them.  One is my first lust object ever…and it was all because of his voice.  He was nice to look at but, I was 9 when I ‘fell in love with’ Steve Perry.  Both of my daughters are ‘in love with’ Steve Perry.  I swear I had nothing to do with it.  I was totally numb at the point they found my Journey CDs.  I’d quit living, quit listening to music.  So the Steve Perry thing must be genetic.

Anyway, Steve Perry’s voice…I can’t describe what happens.  I feel his voice.  Ok, I’m not even gonna keep trying to explain…I’m sitting here for 5 minutes at time trying to figure out how to describe and indescribable feeling.

The second is Geoff Tate of Queensryche, and it’s the same thing.  That voice just flows through me, it’s like a river of energy…ebbing and flowing in my core.

Now I like Journey, they are talented and they held my hand through tons of breakups, they were the only people in the world who really understood what I was feeling in those moments.  At least that is what I felt at the time.  But Steve Perry is really what made me listen to Journey.  Queensryche?  I could listen to each individual member do their own thing and be thrilled.  The talent in that group is just amazing.  I remember the first time I heard them, their EP had just been released and a friend had it.  I think that might have been the biggest connection between my ex and I.  We can still discuss Queensryche when we do talk.  When he was on the road right after Mindcrime had come out, we’d discuss who did it…it was the most exciting thing to discuss (can you say Red Flag?).  Of course he figured out that Mary had killed herself about the 4th time he listened to the whole thing.  But what really attracted him is where our interests split.  He was hell bent on figuring out how to do the drums for the songs.  We had our little 12 piece Tama set in the guest room and when he was home, he’d head down and just play and play…I can remember him watching a video of one of the songs…and then he started cursing (excitedly), ran downstairs and started banging away.  He had figured out how Scott Rockenfield was doing something he was totally lost on.  (I’m clueless on drums…so I have no idea).  Btw, the ex was not his bands drummer, he was the lead singer…The Flashy, Makeup Wearing, Long Hair, Good Looking Ringleader of his little band of talented misfits.

Wait, how did I get here?  Ah yes, it all started with me having a memory blast due to music.
I have some of the most profound thoughts, revelations, realizations, ideas and discoveries when listening to music.  It doesn’t even have to be good music…just music that moves me.  I like music for the emotion it gives off.  I love Mozart, Journey, Queensryche…all very good musicians.  And while I’m not saying these are bad, they aren’t quite the musical genius level of someone like Rush or Queensryche.  I like listening to fun bands…Poison, Cinderella, LA Guns, Motley Crue, Kix, Tora Tora (I like them, but I REALLY liked Anthony Corder, he was such a sweetie, that might have made their music just a bit more awesome to me)…and there are tons more I’m not even gonna list.
I think I’m way off course now.  It’s 5am.  We’ll have to pick this up tomorrow when I can stay focused.  (I’m sure you’ll all be holding your breath! LOL)

ACK! Motorhead is on…definitely my cue to skidoo…

See you all later!!

:)

Accountability

Ok, so I briefly touched on the fact that my brother has moved down here.  I also displayed my feelings about the fact that he’s 6 hours from his children.  He was “technically” closer when he lived 1800 miles away, it only took 2 hours to fly there.  He also does not pay child support, which is just about the lowest thing you can do.  He can, however, put money into a giant piece of junk car (hubby calls it the Pet Detective car) and buy paintball supplies, and beer (LOTS O FREAKING BEER) and music and and and you get the picture.  He’s a selfish bastard just like my father.  And while he learned it from him, he’s worse than my father for continuing the cycle of greed and abuse.  He’s all about “dominating the smaller species”, “controlling the situation” and other big red flag type phrases…so while I think he’s a loser for not being closer to his kids, they are most likely better off without him.
BUT…in the meantime, MY kids are being subjected to him!  My kids love him.  He’s like a big kid to them.  He’s all about playing and having fun…unless you get out of line, then he’s gotta put you in your place (which he wouldn’t dare to touch one of my kids but he’s always reprimanding them which gets me telling him to shut the hell up and mind his own business).  I don’t want him near my kids.  My husband agrees.  But, he’s freaking impossible to keep out of our house.  He just shows up.  He’s just there.  Like the guy in Mr. Deeds.  It’s scary.  And he doesn’t get it.  I think there might actually be something wrong with his ability to comprehend.  Perhaps it has something to do with drinking a case of beer a day?

So.  He’s here and I’ve gone totally nuts.  I was bitching and complaining…and then…I wondered.  I wondered WHY he bothered me so much.  Like abnormally much.

Was it that he was also going to be a burden on my mom.  She was obviously effected by his presence.  Or was his lack of responsibility what bothered me.  I keep telling my mom he needs to grow up.  He needs to be an adult.  He needs to…blah, blah, blah.

Well.  I got what I deserved I guess.  This week we really hit rock bottom.  We totally ran out of money.  So my mom went and bought us groceries and I’m like…oh my God!  I’m bitching about my brother not being responsible and my mother is buying me groceries so I can feed my kids!  That is like the pot calling the kettle black!  I’m just as bloody irresponsible as he is!

Now, when I got past my whole week of major hormone blasts and the shock of him showing up…I also got over feeling like I am anything like my brother.  While it is true that my mom bought us groceries (and then put gas in my van so I could get home from gymnastics), I did support her for a good many years after she left my dad.  I also work my ass off and spend my money on things like food for my kids, electricity, gas to get them to gymnastics (and I barter that, so no money needed there).  I don’t go buy saddles and horses and other such equine based items.  And when my ex and I got divorced, I sent money before we finalized it since my son stayed at the house and I moved out to an apartment near work - it’s just the right thing to do.

So I depressed myself by thinking I was like him, and then realized I might have been a bit harsh about the whole thing.  And this goes with my “get it out so I can’t bully myself with this crap anymore” philosophy.  When something starts to eat at me, you all are gonna get a front row seat for the outing…I have too much to do in this world to be bothered by such trivial garbage.
So what if I am a tad broke this week.  I’ll fix it.  I have been busy spending time getting our school schedule set up, and getting adapted to our new gymnastics schedule…I haven’t been actively annoying my regular clients so they give me jobs to make me go away for a week. 


Ok, I’m so tired I have the shakes.  I think that is the official stopping point.

See you happy campers tomorrow.

nite. 

Reevaluation

Every once in a while I need to stop and reevaluate what is going on and how I’m handling it. I’m afraid I’m not handling it too well this week. I have a million excuses but I’m tired of hearing excuses come out of me so I’m just going to skip that part.

Hubby has had a crappy week of work, and is frustrated by the limitations he’s creating. He says he knows that he’s the reason he has problems with some aspects of his job, and they are very unreasonable excuses. For his job he has to call “warm” leads (they sent in a request for information, had to fill out a handful of questions, etc.) and make an appointment to go discuss their options further. It should be fairly simple. But he freezes up on the phone. He can talk to anyone in the world face to face, but the phone makes him nervous. He’s got to work through it, not me, but that is what he’s battling this week. He also wants to move his desk and things to the girls playroom…which is going to get ugly when the girls figure out he’s stealing their space. And he’s going to be a nitpicky pain in the ass about what is in there so he can avoid making calls…I’m gonna have to nip that in the bud right away or it will be one shitty day tomorrow.

I’m not going to say that I won’t be happy to have my office back again. Sharing it with someone who can’t make necessary calls when you are in there so you have to leave, listens to music so loud that you can’t hear your own music (and he’s wearing your headset so you have to listen to yours out loud), taps on the desk constantly, makes noises, talks to himself and then falls asleep and snores, just is not a very good setting when you are trying like hell to finish jobs that require your brain to be able to focus.
I might be able to focus a little better once I have peace and quiet again (as I say this the dog started snoring so loud she woke herself up LOL ).

Of course, I could just be using that as an excuse. But I am accomplishing a lot the last week so I don’t really need an excuse.

I’m going to go finish my latest site so I can go to bed. See you all later!

:)

I’ve worn myself out today

I had a meeting that lasted way longer than expected.  It was good and it was needed after a good chunk of day being wasted to hormone induced insanity.

I can’t think of anything else to write now and it’s all Solaris’ fault! LOL

I need sleep.  Now.

See you all tomorrow.

:)

Today we are back on schedule!! Woohoo!

We started school up again.  Officially, that is.  We do school every day of the year since we sort of un-school.  Life is a learning experience so it’s all school, really.  But today we started back up with workbooks for our basic skills.  I think some of this stuff will be getting skipped but only after I’ve had time to review what progress has been made over the last few workbook free months.  Actually, they’ve not been workbook free.  I went to set up my little 3-ring binder this morning…and while listing books we use and what the basic schedule will be…I noticed that my little munchkins have completed large chunks of workbook on their own.  I’m not sure when they did it…but they did it.  And it’s all correct.
Oh, I’m very proud of the 8 year old and have to put it on record, she completed Little House in the Big Woods by Laura Ingells Wilder (247 pages) last night.  It took her about 2 weeks.  I’m so proud…she’s a bookworm like her mom!  :-)


Ok, I have a wicked headache.  We had a fairly large argument last night which might be the reason why I’m hurting more than normal.  I wish I had a valve in my head to let some of the pressure out sometimes.  I’m taking Claritan but it can only do so much.  It might be time to move up to prescription strength meds. 


I’m going to go get some house stuff done and then come back in and work.

:)

Aren’t dreams supposed to be obscure and confusing?

I woke up this morning (reluctantly) after hanging out all night in what I would call a Gulf-Area bar…not sure of the location but if you’ve been to a small town on the Gulf of Mexico…almost like New Orleans with shops and people but not nearly as busy…with water, homemade boats next to shrimp boats next to a few newer decent sized boats…where walking up the street is to be flowing in the drama of the city, not merely passing shops and empty lots.  These towns have character.  They have history.  Anyway, I was in a town like this.  It started with some bizarre need to pull a broken down boat using a really big chain pulled by someone walking down the waterfront street, and me explaining the laws of physics to the clueless dolt requesting the pulling be done.  I think that bit of dream moved on to me walking off and in to what seemed to be a bar I’d never been in, but was totally comfortable all the  same.   And while there was a mysterious stranger who was beyond (way beyond) normal, who remained concealed but kept running off when they saw me and the bar keep as well as patrons all knew they were out there, as they alerted me to them when they peeked in the window.  And the alerting was more of a nudge or a nod, nothing intended to scare said person away.  Actually, this person was in the bar when i came in and sat down next to them, and was someone I didn’t recognize so it really made no impact on the dream, aside from the constant popping up.  What was really the most interesting was…the bar was filled with bands I’d met, been around, never met but would have been quite comfortable hanging out with, etc.  As they were mostly rock and roll and southern rock type bands, the bar suited them all just fine and they seemed to be regulars.  Anyway, as I’m there, just hanging out…chatting with various people I can’t quite remember, I do remember big plans being made.  Big.  The primary organizer appeared to have been an extremely famous singer (not who’d I’d think of to dream about, but appropriate anyway) and he kept referring to me to make sure I could make it to this big event because I was a very important part of it. The rest of the patrons would echo this sentiment as I saw them, which made the dream so incredibly pleasant.  I really did not want to wake up this morning.  I’m guessing this complete and absolute warm fuzzy content and pleased with myself feeling is what it might have felt like if my father had ever actually approved of something I had done…and I’m guessing the dream was triggered by my ranting about it here.  So, I’m just adding on to the rant but to let you know that perhaps my clearing the air here has allowed me to actually allow myself to feel something I have never really felt before.  Acceptance.

Now, I have friends who are above and beyond the typical description of friends.  I have people who I’ve not even met, who I care about and am very interested in their well being.  I have friends I’ve met once or twice and who I look forward to reading about their lives, as well as their comments on my own.  And while I have these friends…I never felt worthy of them.  I can’t explain the feeling exactly and don’t care to try.  I think now though, I might have really knocked down a huge wall that didn’t allow feelings to go back and forth for fear that the disapproval was on it’s way.

So, I’m half awake and just came in here to write this down before I forgot.  It could be incoherent babble…but who cares?  It’s my blog, I can babble if I want to!  LOL

I’m going to go eat a bagel and have some coffee now.  See you all later today!

:)

I love my Claritan and more babbling…

But it’s not loving me lately…or it’s not making me feel very loved. I take the 24 hr Claritan D…and that has been perfectly fine up until I started forgetting to take it in the mornings and only remembered in the evenings. Once I started taking it in the evening, it was causing all sorts of strange and unusual side effects…mostly that my heart felt like it was racing a Triple Crown race on it’s own and that I wasn’t falling asleep until 6am or later. Now I can handle staying up til 6 and getting up at 9…no biggie when you have little kids. BUT my heart was actually hurting…so I stopped that shit right away. I took a few days off and then called my doc. We think it might have had something to do with my somewhat, possibly out of control, coffee habit that I didn’t really even notice I had. Doesn’t EVERYONE drink two pots of coffee a day? HMMMMM????? Well, apparently that isn’t normal, despite what my fellow webmasters tell me. Sooooooooo…..I’ve resumed taking Claritan BEFORE I start drinking my now reduced (bleh!) intake of coffee. Oh, and did I mention that I toss a few Red Bulls in there for good measure? You know…this is why three hours of sleep doesn’t bother me. Who can stay asleep with 2 pots of coffee, 2 Red Bulls and a 24 hour Claritan D in their system? Now…on top of all this really bad crap I dump in me, you have to understand that I also drink a drink that I make three times a day, it consists of whatever fruits i have around, some form of fruit juice and a spoon full of green powder. Yup, green powder. And honestly, this stuff rocks. It’s great. I also eat abnormal amounts of carrots, celery, sprouts, peppers…pick a veggie and if it’s in my house, I’m snacking on it. I’m just about to quit the coffee. It’s actually not even tasting all that good lately so I really should take advantage of that and just drop it. The Red Bull…I’m keeping it thanks. And my green stuff is staying. I also go buy drinks from the store like Green Goodness and Odwalla Farms Superfood. My kids even love them. Hubby won’t touch them cause he says they are too sweet (but I’m sure the fact that they are green has something to do with it).

Ok, Solaris mentioned that she was interested in hearing what brought on last post. I’m not sure I have a satisfactory answer really. I think that in the course of treating this blog as my therapist…I’ve resorted to doing some things on here out of sheer desperation.

I don’t blame anyone for how I turned out. But I don’t have a lot of respect for my father, his parenting skills were non-existent and he is now getting from us what he gave us as children. Nothing. I’ve had my say with him, I’ve actually had my say with his voice mail a few years ago - because, in his true nature, he wouldn’t allow me to speak to him about things that matter. So I told off his voice mail. Hey, it worked. I got it out. I’m sure in the 2.4 seconds it took for him to either hang up or hit “delete” he got the point that I was very very very pissed at him. He might have sired me, but I don’t have to like him or respect him. He’s a sperm donor, plain and simple. I’m able to be cordial when he calls me now, which only started happening after his mother died. I am polite, I nod, smile, relay small tidbits of news he’s not really hearing because he just doesn’t care and then it’s ‘goodbye’. We speak every 3 or 4 months because I don’t see any benefit from fighting with him or hanging up on him.

Ok, so my dad emotionally scarred us for life…or at least for a good chunk of time. Well, me anyway, my brother is going to be paying the price for life. He’ll be selfish, lonely, and a bad father until he either gets therapy or has a revelation. I hope he gets one or the other soon. I’m not counting on it though. As long as he thinks like my father and grandfather (who taught my dad his incredibly parenting skills and who my brother idolizes) then there is little chance of breaking that cycle.

Enough of that though…

On to me and my own personal demons. When things start going really good, I tend to dig up everything that I’ve ever done in my life that could have been (or definitely was) wrong and go over it again and again. It was really starting to wear on me. So, I announced to the world, via the blog (my therapist), that Yes! I have done some messed up and wrong things! And it was like the relief that a person who is being blackmailed must feel when they finally tell the world whatever thing that is being held over their head and there is nothing left for a blackmailer to threaten them with. I don’t care who knows that I’ve been an asshole, I’ve hurt people’s feelings. I did things wrong and I know it. I also know that I’m not the same person I was when I did them. I mean, I was probably between 16 and 21 years of age when all the offenses occurred. If I were to see a 21 year old do some of the things I did, they’d never be as monumental as they seemed to be when I was holding them all in and torturing myself with them. So I let that out.

Really, the more I learn and the more confident I get, the more I try to knock myself down emotionally. How sick is that? I mean WHY would I do that? But I know why I do it. I was taught to do it. I didn’t do it to myself to begin with, my dad did it for me. Every single accomplishment, no matter how small or large, was met with contempt or indifference. No matter what happened, he would always knock you off your feet with something that just hurt so bad, that eventually I’d just do the damage for him without even bothering to get his attention. So what if I could sing on stage for hundreds of people, play the double bass (even if the thing was feet taller than me in the 6th grade! And OH, How I adored that double bass…) and the viola, I was an incredible artist (even in grade school) and would finish all my text books within the first two weeks of school (I would go through them all and answer all the questions in them on separate pages to be handed in as they were assigned, leaving me time to do extra credit)? To him I was a non-person. Not worthy enough to make noise, disturb him, or bore him with trivial things such as my accomplishments. They were a waste of time anyway, being as I was a worthless non-person. Of course I was just LOVED at school. Not! I was a geek, which was NOT cool back then…but not geeky enough to get to hang out with geeks, I had 1 friend from 5th grade to 9th when I moved from where I grew up, I had to wear clothes bought at consignment shops because my dad was too busy spending his money on things like $1000 putters and drivers. I was a favorite for other kids to make fun of, going to school was torture every day.

So, like I said, I know where it all came from. I’m very aware of it.

Now, if I’m sitting here going over my faults and everything I’ve ever done wrong in my life…well, then I’m just doing the emotional abuse for him. He doesn’t even have to put any energy into it. It really is sick. This is why I wrote that I had done things I thought were wrong. Once they are out in the open…I can’t torture myself anymore…because everyone knows! LOL (enter maniacal laugh here) And I’m good with people knowing that I’ve not been perfect at very nearly any point in my life. Who has? What counts is who I turned into. The person that all these events in my past created is who matters…and I think that person is pissed off at not being able to be free and do what they are meant to do. I mean, while I’ve done some not so great things, I’ve also survived things that most people would run away from in a heartbeat. And now that I think of it…in the world I lived in…where I was surrounded by the most undesirable of folks at times…I never once compromised my dignity when it really counted. I have to admit that in the case of love, I did some shit that emotions got in the way of dignity…but nothing that wouldn’t be considered just bad judgement brought on by panic (in my opinion).

I have experienced life in a way that many people wouldn’t even consider. I’ve just about seen it all. I managed to see it all from a spectator’s point of view though. I observed, I learned, I moved on. I spent many years in the music industry. My ex was a rock and roll singer, my world revolved around bands, I’ve met hundreds of bands…been on their tour buses, been to breakfast after parties, been to the parties…and yet I never slept with any of them, except the one I married of course. I liked being the safe girl in the group…guys could talk to you because you were on a different level. All my experiences have been like that.

Or they were until I got married to my current husband…everything changed suddenly. We went from being in charge of our destinies to being married. Like it was a disease.

It’s too bad that you don’t realize that you’ve switched on to autopilot until you’ve wasted a lot of time. I think I’ve beat that subject to death in previous posts though.

So, since I’m fixing things and cleaning out the old useless crap from my system, the personal torture was a an all time high. Now, it’s just not there.

I am thankful that I’ve been able to see my faults even if I don’t appreciate the replaying of the old ones. We don’t learn if we don’t see what we’ve done wrong. Learning to balance between extremes is the roughest part of life though. Do we not trust people because we’ve been hurt, or do we trust and open ourselves up for more pain? Do we hurt before we get hurt ourselves? Can we change how we see what is done to us when we are on the receiving end of a painful situation?

It’s easy to learn new ways and to say, “Yes, I’ll make sure I do that from now on”. But it takes many many tries to make that new way a habit. You might fail 20, 40, 100 times before it becomes a natural habit. By making balance a habit, we make our lives more peaceful. That doesn’t mean boring and quiet. LOL We just make our souls feel content with the decisions we make.

I’m sure I didn’t really give a reason for why I brought this up last post, but I have provided for quite a bit of reading. LOL

Today’s Claritan has officially hit a low point so I’m going to have to run to bed before I fall asleep in my chair. Goodnight to everyone…see you later.

:)

Dealing with the bumps in the road

Sometimes we get tired. Sometimes we get our period. Whatever the reason, there are times when we just don’t have the energy to be optimistic and positive. I’m not saying that I’m depressed or pessimistic about things. I’m just sort of in between today. I did do some things that make me feel good now that I’m reviewing my day. I had a few moments where I reverted back a few steps when hubby started drinking for day #5 in a row. But, I regained my composure, and I will address the issue tomorrow when I am sure there is someone inside to hear my concerns.

So, I woke up abruptly this morning because I was having an incredibly vivid dream that was so real I had to jump out of bed and run around checking on my kids and house. I was dreaming that someone was stealing my computers and van while the girls and I were in the house alone, and it was just so incredibly real. Door wide open, my monitors gone and packed in the back of my van…and i went outside in my robe (had to grab phone and I even hit 911 on my way outside to see what was going on) and there is this guy putting stuff in my van…my stuff, my neighbors stuff, all sorts of neighbors, he’s walking in and out of houses like he’s at WalMart…and then i woke up. I jumped out of bed, checked the girls, the front door, my office…I was so out of sorts that I really couldn’t function properly for hours. No amount of coffee or Red Bull helped. It was very weird. Especially since I rarely even remember dreaming. Perhaps it’s all that repressed emotional crap I have been bottling up since I was about 4 years old? LOL You let it out for a moment and it starts to take over your life! Even when you are sleeping! BAh! LOL (yes my humor is odd, and even more so when I’m very tired).

Alright. So. I had a bad moment or two today. No one died, life goes on, I’ll resume working on my goals and not dwell on things that do me no good. I know I can’t change other people, only myself. And I can change how i deal with my husbands weaknesses. Obviously the ways I’ve tried to convey my displeasure have not worked, so it’s nuts to keep repeating them.

Before I go…Congrats to Meg for getting to come home! I know that is so much nicer than being in the hospital where there is constant activity. I’ll be asking the universe to keep an eye on you, just so you are safe. You mean lots to us!!

Now, i am going to pass out before i end up with a keyboard stuck to my forehead. Have a wonderful day!!

:)

Changing perspective

I spent the day with my in-laws.  Normally that statement would have my business partner expecting me to ask for bail money in my next breathe.  But…we are turning over a new leaf, aren’t we?  I am being myself, remember.  I am being someone who I won’t be ashamed of when I think of my day and what I did.  I am changing the way I view a lot of things.

My mom says (very often) that in order to believe in something, you have to believe in everything possible for it to be real.  I might not be saying it right, I’m very tired.  Sorry. Anyway, I can’t believe that we are all products of the same creator and that we all are essentially perfect creations (behaviorally flawed as some of us may be)…and exclude the people I am related to that I have been unhappy to be around in the past.  It’s either all or none.

Now, I can’t be all fakey-fakey-nicey-nicey to these people just to pretend that I’m being someone I want to be.  I really don’t think that many people could just go out and forgive everyone of every bad thing they’ve done and be part of one big happy world where people sing in the street together like a 1970’s Coke commercial.  You know…as corny as that might seem…it sure as hell beats the world we live in today.  But that is getting off the point.

While I have trouble forgiving my in-laws for treating me like I’ve been an undesirable growth in their son’s home…I can consider that they are my brothers and sisters, in a “we were all created by the same creator” sense, and that while I may not like the things they do much, to think that they are less than or greater than myself is an insult to the force that created us.  It implies that it didn’t do such a good job, that one or the other is less than, that it messed up.

So..if I am going to change how I look at the world, then I need to change how I think about ALL of the world.

In-laws included.

I have noticed since I started thinking of things in a different way, people are very much easier to get along with.  I also feel connections with people I’ve never felt.  I think that might be due to certain parts of my emotions coming back to participate in life after having been locked up for most of my life.  I actually CARE about things.  I adore my daughters and want to stop everything that I’m doing to listen to them tell me one of their wild tales (don’t know where they get that from!! LOL) or to listen to one of them tell me how they did their balance beam or bars routine in gymnastics on the days my mom takes them.  I used to tell them, “One minute, just give mommy one minute and I’ll be there”.  Well, one minute never was…it was always 20, 45, never.  I have one child who doesn’t expect me to do things for him because I’m too busy, don’t have the money, etc…and he’s left home.  It’s too late to change him, he’s going to have to learn on his own (I can offer my enlightened view of things as I learn them, but what 19 year old boy ever actually LISTENED to his parent about life lessons??).  But it’s not to late to teach my 6 and 8 year old how to be a person that they can be proud of at the end of their lives.  That is my goal, I think.  I want to walk into the sunset at the end of my time here…and look back and see all the people I’ve touched in a positive way.  I want to know that my time here was used to it’s fullest potential.  I want my children to be proud of their mother.  I want my children to be proud of themselves when they reach the end of their path too.  And children learn by example, so I guess I better get my butt in a higher gear…because I have time to make up for.

Actually, maybe I’ll shift gears tomorrow…because I think I’ve reached official Red Bull Crash.  I must get some sleep.

Thanks for listening…I’ll see you happy campers tomorrow.  Goodnight!

:)

Oh, and I’ve been thinking about Meg a lot today.  I’ve been asking if the Great Spirit can just help her get back to her life quickly because she does touch a lot of people, and we all miss her a lot.

Putting others first

Some days I seem to be so absorbed with my own problems, that I forget that I really care about other people. I’m not sure how I forget. Maybe I lock all those feelings of sadness and longing for the time to be with them away so I won’t be distracted while I sit here for hours and hours a day “working to make things better”? I’m not sure what I do with my emotions. Honestly, up until very recently, I think I might have loaned them out to someone, like a book you forgot who you gave it to, and they somehow just found their way home.

I recently decided it was time to get my priorities straight. Yeah, ok, so lots of people do it. Yes, they do, and I hope they are as successful as I seem to be at it. This time. I’m not saying I’ve not tried this before, but this time…I hope I’ve done it right.

I got a bug up my ass about being so unfocused and scattered so I drove over to where I always go when I have something I want to learn/fix/explore/decide. I went to Barnes & Noble. I am a book junkie. And our libraries suck (oh, do I ever miss the NY Public Library). So, I went into Barnes & Noble with the express intent of figuring out what exactly my next direction would be. I wasn’t leaving til I found it.

Normally I go one of two directions…straight to the kids section or straight to the magazines. This time I walked straight in, stopped in the center and just waited for inspiration. Well, by a serious of events and ideas, I ended up in the Native American section. Ok. Let’s start with who I am. That is always a good place to begin. Who am I?

I sifted through quite a few books (most were really negative….note to brothers and sisters: Please try to focus on what good can be created today and not on the injustices that have been done to you in the past. This is the only way to grow.) I came across a few that were of interest, and being limited financially, I made my decision and took one book.

The book I chose was “The Wind Is My Mother” by Bear Heart. It’s part biography and gives ideas on how to live in balance. I realized it was the perfect choice when I got in to reading it. I actually just finished it two days ago but I think I want to read it again because I’m not sure I wasn’t rushing or falling asleep a few times (my reading time is normally very late at night). For the most part though, I think I got what I was looking for and more.

So as I’m reading Bear Heart’s stories and lessons, I’m thinking of how self absorbed I am all the time. I could be closer to my family, especially my kids and husband. I could be doing something to help other people out some way. I could teach my children how to be a good member of society by being one myself. I need to find things that touch my heart and share them with others. I could make a difference!

So, I am not sure what I will do. I will start by acknowledging things that I’ve missed and see where it takes me. I know that every day I will be thankful to our Grandmother Earth for the resources that she provides to us. I will also be thankful to the Great Spirit for the life force that flows through me. I am grateful for my wonderful kids and I am grateful to a husband that is trying very very hard to be all he can be. I am grateful for my skills and love of art, and for the fact that there are horses sharing our planet with us. I would like to combine those and help children who do not have the means to do so, learn art or learn to care for horses and ride. Maybe a camp of some sort? I would really love to be able to care for horses that are no longer wanted or no longer able to be cared for. For the latter cases, I’d want their owners to continue caring for the horse at my expense…and sharing something with the kids that come to camp. We can all contribute something to make a better life, even if we have no money, we have something…everyone has something inside them that makes them a special part of our society. I think that sometimes people get so absorbed by paying bills and trying to keep up with the rat race, that they hide that special gift…and they just need someone to remind them that it’s there, waiting for them to bring it back out so they can share it with the world.

sleep is such an inconvenience

I really wish I could go 24 hours in a row.  Every day.  I have so much I want to do and so little time to do it.

So, if you can’t tell, I have plans.  BIG plans.  Plans that say “Get out of my way or I will run you over!”  Maybe even bigger…

BUT now I’m suddenly not able to keep my eyes open.  I tried walking around to get the blood flowing, used Visine for the burning eyes, drank way too much coffee, and ate a lb of carrots (that had nothing to do with staying awake, I just like to munch on them), and I’m still not going to make it more than another 10 minutes.

So tomorrow I shall wake up, begin my day in a zombie-like state, waste a good 3 hours trying to get my motor started and then realize how little time I have and start running at full speed.  It’s a wicked cycle.  I need to make it more productive and less spastic.

Ok, going to bed.  See you!

:)

Girl Power!!!!!!

Rags to Riches beat the big boys yesterday and I’m just all too excited about it!

For those of you who are clueless on horse racing…feel free to scroll past my overenthusiastic babble.
But she won!!!! I’m totally excited about it. Not only does Todd Pletcher finally win a Triple Crown race..but he wins with the first filly to win in 102 years!!! Way to go Todd, Rags to Riches, John Valesquez and the owners Michael Tabor and Derrick Smith (thanks for running her in this race! It was a great one I’ll never forget). More on this can be found here . There are some videos of the Triple Crown races on that page as well. :-)


Oh and I found this!!!

The 1973 Belmont Stakes where Secretariat (Rags to Riches Great Grandsire) set the time record for a mile and a half that STILL hasn’t been beaten. There is some music to it, but it’s still good
(I tried to embed it but it blew up the page - you’ll have to click the link to get there, sorry)

I need a secretary or helper or something

I just can’t seem to accomplish all I want to every day.  And now that hubby is working from home, the emotional roller coaster is starting to take it’s toll.

After a billion years in the restaurant industry, he’s decided to get out.  Which is fine with me.  He used to sell life insurance for MetLife at one point in NJ so he went looking to get back into that.  Somehow he ended up doing Health Insurance, which is fine…same thing from an income standpoint really.  But he’s not made that many sales and he’s starting to stress.  And drink.  The breakdown is coming, I can see it.  I’m trying not to let it effect me but it’s hard.  I keep finding myself getting pissed off at him for being so weak.  And I honestly feel it is weakness…and I want to tell him so but that will push him even farther under.

So, on a better note, I’ve started a Goal-Binder with my friend.  This is basically my only friend in the state.  She homeschools too.  We spent last weekend at a homeschool conference and got ourselves all motivated.  I am working through some small wrinkles in my idea of how to keep more organized, but at least I’m working on it.  I should have it all good within a week, I think.

Back to the Goal Binder, it’s our way of keeping track of our goals, as well as keeping ourselves in line on what our responsibilities are in the goal achievement and what we’ve done already.  It’s something we check over a coffee in the morning and at night before bed.  And we get together once a week to make sure our books are in order, sort of like scrapbooking for organizing junkies.

Ok, we had a power outage and I can only get to a few places online…this was one of them.  I’ll have to go have a coffee and come back to see if I can get in my “office”.

Peace,

:)

Great race today

Although I was very disappointed that Street Sense did not win, it was still an exciting race.  I do feel bad for the Street Sense group…there was such possibility in a Triple Crown winner this year.  Well, congrats to Curlin, Albarado and the rest of the group.  The Belmont should be very exciting.

I have a ton of work to do tonight.  I’ve been trying to do my enormous list of stuff that has to be done…and it’s taking up all my free time.  I spend quite a few hours a week sleeping in my office chair.
I’ll be back when I get a chance.

And Meg…If you are around, give me a call.  I’m home all day tomorrow (Sunday) since my plans got changed around a bit this weekend.

:)

It’s Derby Day!!!

I’m excited.  I’m going to park myself in front of the television in a few hours and watch the festivities.  Although this year is sure to have a somber note to it, I saw that the Jacksons were being honored with $25,000 to go to the Barbaro fund for the New Bolton Center.  That’s great that the center will be benefiting from the incredibly work they did.

The Queen of England is due to be there as well.  This should be interesting to watch.  One day I’m going to be IN the crowd instead of watching it from my living room.  I think I shall make a plan to take the girls and mom…and go buy the most outrageous big hats we can find for our Derby Debut.  :-)


I’m not drinking any Mint Juleps though.  Ok, maybe I’ll try one.  But I quit the hard liquor a long time ago…and I can’t imagine my taste buds would be too happy about whiskey, no matter what it’s mixed with.

Ok, off to work…

later!!

:)

$21 a week for food? For a family?

This article: “Oregon Governor starts week on food stamps” caught my attention. He is bringing to light how impossible it is to live on food stamps. As someone who had to attempt that back when my son was born 18 years ago…I know that it’s a subject that needed brought into the public line of vision. If you want to keep people who really just need a bit of help and a boost to get back on their feet a reason to give up on life…put them on foodstamps. It’s humiliating, it’s impossible, and it’s not enough to keep your children healthy. Bravo to Ted Kulongoski for making an effort to get this changed.

And now, I have to run back to work.   I just popped in to share this.  And to make some behind the scenes changes to the blog.  :-)


See you later.

:)

Start getting positive

I was at a friends house the other day, along with my mom, and we were discussing the law of attraction. We’ve all been doing our own little experiments the last few weeks and we were discussing outcomes. It’s extremely interesting how a simple shift in my attitude has made things that were such a big deal seem to have disappeared. AND the most interesting thing is how many new opportunities and jobs have ‘appeared’ since I changed my attitude.

I am also shifting my attitude about having money. I think maybe I had some sort of negative connection to having money…or to ME making money. Not sure why though. There are tons of possible reasons, most likely it’s the ‘you aren’t even worthy enough to make noise’ attitude that I got during my entire childhood. While I attempt to change my opinion and the emotions that go with it, I’ll see if I can’t figure out why (to help it make sense if possible?) and squash it from that end as well. Sometimes, I think, when we find a source of our behavior that comes from our childhood, and we take a look from the adult point of view…it causes the effects of it to disappear into a puff of smoke.
Example: As a child, an adult you trust is passionately negative about a politician. You grow up hearing how they are just the most horrible person on earth. Then one day, decades later, you are compared to that person by someone who adored the same politician. Now…most likely you are going to take that comment and have a negative reaction (at least internally) to it. Probably, you will take it as an insult and get angry. But WHY did you get angry? The person did not mean it as an insult, it was quite the opposite. You got angry because of a trigger that was planted years before. You reacted to something the way you were trained to react. Now, as an adult…you rationally think about the fact that you honestly know nothing about this politician…and that the comment made was, in fact, positive. Then you think about it from an adult point of view, and realize your trusted adult was reacting in a childishly negative way. Now the idea of someone comparing you to that person is no longer offensive. And if you do get twinges of that same negative reaction, you can tell yourself that it’s ridiculous and keep moving on. It no longer has the same power.

I don’t think we should dwell on crap that happened in our past that makes us act irrationally. I do think we should examine our irrational behaviors and try to figure out what we are getting out of it (No matter how good or bad it is, if we weren’t getting something out of it, we wouldn’t be doing it.) even if it’s just that we are getting to be content with something familiar. Sometimes reviewing incidents in our past help us to eliminate some behaviors and sometimes it might be a waste of time. I opt for making a bit of effort to fix a destructive behavior.

And…where was I going with this?? I think I’m doing too much at once. I’m in two client meetings and trying to write this. Can you say “self-destruction”? LOL Yes, I am very much a self-destructive person when it comes to success. The minute I start to do really well I kill it. I quit working, I get preoccupied with non-work things…I do things that just cause problems with the work I am supposed to be doing. But…I’m on to me now! And I better watch out…cause I’m watching. Me. Hmm…why do I feel like Jack Sparrow now? I’m making no bloody sense at all! Except I am. To me anyway.
Oookay. Gonna go work so I can get to bed at a reasonable hour (anytime before 4 is reasonable to me). Later all!

:)

My kids are so cool

I just thought I’d announce that to the world.  :-)


We have a ballet recital this weekend.  I am thinking of making it a really big deal to make my oldest daughter really happy about all the work she put into this.  Maybe this will give her some positive association with hard work and help her in the future.

I also had a “What would the Bratz do?” conversation yesterday.  LOL  The girls are having issues with making the decision to join the gymnastics team.  Their instructor asked them to try out.  The oldest one is just busting at the seams about it and wants to join so bad she can’t contain herself, but won’t do it if the younger one doesn’t.  The youngest looks like she wants to do it, but keeps saying she doesn’t want to.  She told my mom her reason was that she was afraid she’d fall in front of everyone.

I don’t want her to not do something she loves and regret it.  I don’t want to push her to do something she’s not ready to do.  It really sucks to watch her struggle with it, too.  I think she’s really just scared and that she’d love it if she went to do it.

They were pretending to be one Bratz doll or the other last night so I got the brilliant idea…”Hey! What would the Bratz do if they had to decide to join the gymnastics team or not?”  The answer was “They’d do it in a heartbeat!” And then the talk turned to nothing but gymnastics WHILE they did kartwheels and somersaults in their room.  They are just constantly doing tumbles, flips…I have to threaten them to get them to stop doing it on the ceramic tile floor.  I mean, they’d kartwheel across the house to come to dinner still if I let them.  I’m not trying to push an awkward kid who sort of thinks she likes to tumble into joining a gymnastics team.  I’m trying to help a kid not regret a decision made based on unrealistic fears.  And their instructor thinks  they are both extremely talented (well, so do I, but I’m their mom…I’m supposed to think that! LOL ) and she’s gone out of her way to make sure I know she thinks they should both try out next month.

Ok, I’m going to let her think on it a few more days, and then bring it up subtly again.  Maybe she will make up her own mind if she thinks I’m not pressuring her for an answer.  She can always quit if it’s too hard.  BUT she can’t join again unless someone quits…which could be next year.  We are talking potential for lots of resentment towards her sister if she doesn’t join and then finds out how much she would have loved it and then CAN’T join for a year.  It would be her own fault, but still…kids minds don’t always behave rationally.  I just want to make sure she’s aware of the possibilities and can make an informed decision she won’t regret.

Alright, I’m off to get some work done now.  See ya’ll tomorrow.

Nite

I couldn’t find anything positive to say…

so I just kept my mouth shut.

I have gotten tired of listening to myself bitch.  I’d have told me to shit or get off the pot a long time ago.  I have a really sore neck today too so I’m a touch on the crabby side.

I have been working a lot lately, and the blog suffers from it.  I have to build a new blog schedule, as I do have a few others I contribute to for work.  I feel like I’m writing all day long sometimes.

I just wanted to pop in and announce that I’m still alive.  I have to go bother Meg as well.  I never did figure out how to get to Solaris’ blog and I would love to see what is going on with her now that her HusbandsWhore (yes all one word) can’t come in and harrass her.

I will attempt to get back in here today.

:)

Sunburn and Beads

Today was fun.  The girls and my mom and I went to the Chasco Fiesta Parade.  There were lots of Pirates, which thrilled the girls.  But the best part for them was everyone in the parade was throwing beads and candy to the crowd.  It was pretty neat.  Then we went to see the Native American Dancing again.  It got pretty hot so we went shopping for hair ties, and found some other misc stuff we probably didn’t need but bought anyway.  We found decals from my (gr) grandfathers clan.  I also got a stand for my smudging shell.  My shell is sort of big, and I lost the original stand, so I am happy I saw one big enough.  We also got a very big bag of sage.  I am considering going back for a second bag.  I’m going to need to smudge this house every few hours to keep things under control I think.

I discovered I have a sunburn when I went past a mirror a little while ago.  I hope the girls aren’t also burned.  They went with my mom after we were done and are spending the night.  I guess I’ll see in the morning.

I think the fresh air and all the activity from today has me ready for bed.

See you all tomorrow.

:)

I’ve been painting for hours while listening to Arvel Bird and One Nation

I went back to the festival tonight and got two cd’s from the musicians we heard last night.  I loved it.  (I’m trying to think of something profound to say, since I feel this music and the whole experience last night was what opened the beforementioned door in my soul that had been locked a long time ago - but I’m really tired, my eyes are hurting and I think I have to go sleep)

The musicians were a group that have a CD together as well as individual projects:  Arvel Bird, and Arvel Bird and One Nation are the websites with more information about them.  There are a couple of songs to download on either site.  After my eyes stop burning I’ll see if I can find the other musicians individual sites (if they have them).

I got the kids in bed and came in here and put the first cd in the computer and finished a website design I had started earlier today.  Shortly before I finished it I started getting ideas for some paintings.  Keep in mind I haven’t painted in um…well…I have no idea how long.  I’ve painted for clients but for myself?  Actually, I’d have to say that I’ve never really painted for myself.  I have canvases that were started before I got a computer.  They’ll most likely remain in their current state until I either toss them or give them to mom to paint over for her own art.  So, I got inspired, I opened Photoshop and I started painting.  I have to say that it’s not bad.  It’s not done, but I can see that it’s coming along almost where it should be.  I painted through 2 playings of one CD (Animal Totems) and 1 playing of the other CD (Animal Totems 2).  I’m sure if someone had come to the office door they’d have been quite amazed by my enthusiasm.  I was just going to town.  I think I need to do that daily.

I am grateful for the chance to go yesterday, I really believe it was where I needed to be.  I plan on going back as often as possible while they are here.  I want my daughters to see the dancers, hear stories, learn as much as possible in the short amount of time the opportunity is here.  I admit that right now, they have been more interested in hanging out with their friends.  I am going to try to take them without anyone else so they won’t be distracted.  I think they’d have fun.

As for the other problem…I’m trying to keep the courage to do what I need to do.  I know that the universe will set the stage if it’s what I truly want, I just have to show up and do my part.  But…Why can’t this be simple?  Hell, for that matter, why does he have to be an alcoholic?  I’m sure he thinks this should have just blown over by now.  I’m supposed to just pretend that he’s not blaming me for our situation.  That he’s not downright nasty and venomous when he lets me know it’s all my fault.  I’m supposed to forget that I won’t discuss anything with him without a counselor to act as my witness…or that he’s been given an ultimatum.  I’m supposed to bow down and act like woman (or at least his ass backward idea of what a woman should be).  Well buddy, we aren’t in the 1500’s anymore and the women in my family don’t bow to anyone.  The women in my family catch wild horses with their bare hands and ride the hogs that got loose from their pen back after catching them with articles of clothing.  He’s got another thing coming if he thinks I’m like his own mother.  He’s unaware that I’ve found my own warrior spirit again…and I’m NOT bowing.  I’m going to protect my family from what I see as a danger.  I’m not going to back down.  I never did before I met him, and I am sorry that I was temporarily a big chicken.  If you call 15 years temporary :-p   But now…I am strong, I am independent and I am pissed.  I’ve also begun to change back into who I was…I am no longer a headstrong stubborn donkey being dragged through life.  I am, once again, a determined and confident horse that has a place and a purpose in this world.  I will always remember that the horse is my medicine.

Now I really HAVE to go to sleep.  If I don’t I’ll start painting again…and it’s already 3:30am.  The girls get up way too early to stay up til 8am painting.  :-)


So I will see you all tomorrow.

Goodnight
:)