I wish I could record the thoughts in my head…

…straight to my computer.  I have these amazing, blog entry worthy thoughts but…always when I can’t write them down.  I start thinking in the shower or while driving and I clearly see why I do things.  I find the process fascinating, it’s like a series of locks, clicking to an unlocked position and each one that I go through grants me a little more clarity.

Then I get distracted and the thought it lost forever.

An example that I just remembered:  I’m driving to a party for my kids last night and I’m thinking about my “I want to be like Dolly post”.  And I’m like, “Ok, it would be great to be like Dolly but I can’t ACT like Dolly.  That’s just nuts.  How can I actually ACT like her??”  I’m not talking about talking like her or anything, I’m talking about being that outgoing and happy and just loving life so much that I make people around me enjoy life just by being in my presence.  Making people feel important and good without being a servant to them.  My mom mentioned a quote about “Dance to the song of life and people will dance with you”, that reminds me of the feeling I’m searching for.

And my “other” voice, defiant as usual…”WHY can’t I act like that??  Who the hell is in charge of this life, if not me?  And so what if the miserable bastards I’m around now think I’m nuts?  Their opinions don’t mean squat!  I don’t want to be bowing to the opinion of a miserable bastard! That’s more nuts than letting myself be someone people enjoy being around!”

Ok, so I have in-depth discussions with myself.  But for so many years…there was no other voice in my head.  There was no instinct to survive.  I was a numb lump of shit.  So if I chatting with my “other” voice in my head is what it takes to build up the nerve to be all I can be…well, I guess I’m just gonna have to do it.

I don’t want to be scared to live anymore.  I don’t want to be scared of who I really am.  I’m deathly afraid of letting myself be me.  I could get into a whole explanation right now but I have to go get some work done.  I will say that breaking the spirit of a child by scaring them into being quiet, just so that an adult can do whatever it is adults have to do…and putting them down because the adult can’t understand their need to be outgoing…can do some serious damage.  Serious.  It can cause kids to think they aren’t worth as much as that TV show you want to watch or that book you want to read.  It can also create adults who think they aren’t worth as much as everyone else.  Adults who think the world would be better off without them.  Adults who continue the cycle of abuse (yes, scaring someone into doing what you want is abusive) with their own kids because they don’t realize they are even doing it.

I’m not going to be scared to live anymore, dammit!! Even if I use my kids as an excuse why I need to change…it’s a start.   I want my kids to enjoy being them.  I never want my children to be convinced that if they were gone, the world would run a little smoother.  That one thought is enough to get me motivated I think.

Ok, going to work now…see you all later!!

:)