Thinking too much

Mom told me I was thinking too much the other day. She might be right. Maybe. But I’m not guaranteeing it.

I have been on autopilot for too many years, so I can afford to over think things. Right? Besides, it seems my over thinking how I’m treated freaks out certain members of previous generations. It’s like my feeling as if I shouldn’t have to put up with being ignored (you KNOW what you did is written all over the few dirty looks I get) or with my life and my kids lives being scattered into chaos everytime someone else wants to be a drama queen (”he IS the husband you know…they get like that” is the comments that are given as excuses).

I am also officially on the shit list for voicing my opinion about my father-in-law the other day. Hubby’s mom had the nerve to say “He doesn’t mean to be mean and make “hubby” upset. It’s just the way he is.” To which I replied, “His way IS to be mean and make “hubby” upset.” I’m not sure she actually spoke to me after that. I was too busy getting the kids stuff together to get out of there. Hey, when you turn out three totally fucked up kids…OCD, SuperDramaQueen Syndrome, EverythingIsEveryoneElse’sFault Syndrome, and IMUSThavealcohol/drugsOrICan’tCope Syndrome then maybe, just MAYBE, your “ways” are really fucked up.

I really don’t give a shit how things were done in the old days, in the old country or in anything else old. If something does not work, it does not work. And shit was done the way it was done because no one knew better! Life is about learning and growing. We have one generation out there expecting people to do their jobs and be responsible as far as the neighbors can tell, but in private they expect to be able to take out their frustrations on their wives and children and abuse them physically and sexually, and expect them to not tell what happens at home. Those kids grew up to be even more emotionally detached from the world and needed drugs just to cope with the act of working and raising a family. And then their kids grew up to say “I care about you as much as my parents and society cared about me! Which is to say, “Fuck off! Leave me alone, I’ll take what I want and if you or I die in the process, then it’s not big deal cause we aren’t worth that much anyway.”

It’s not rocket science to see that each generation effects the next. We are products of the environment we grew up in. Who we are inside determines how we handle the information we receive. Some people grow up in an abusive atmoshere and totally shut down, take their blows and then grow up to repeat the cycle. Others take the blows and grow up to be so bitter and pissed off that no one came in to save them that they go out and randomly kill a bunch of people when the bitterness has warped their minds enough. And yet some other people take their blows while plotting a way out, escape, and learn from the experience. They make sure that their children are raised in a loving, open environment.

I can see in hubby and his brother and sister, how each coped with an abusive environment and how it shaped them into who they are now.

I can see how my brother and I coped with our abusive environment and how each of us turned out.
All five people are so completely and incredibly different…and yet, if each one was to learn a bit about coping with stressful situations and were to put some effort into learning how to undo the crap the lies they were taught, they’d be much much happier people.  It wouldn’t take much effort…just a desire to be a better healthier person.

I include myself in there. I think I’ve come a long way in learning that my dad was NOT right and that I’m way more capable than he implied. BUT I still have that trigger in my head that pulls me back and feeds me doubt when I go into situations…sort of like Pavlov’s dogs…I’m all gung-ho til I hit the bell…and then I doubt myself and my talent and I have to work hard to kick that nay-sayers ass…I can do it, but I need to keep looking for a better way to do it. There has to be something that I’ve not found yet that would completely eliminate it.

I’m working hard on making a change, and there is no “trying” really…I have no choice in the matter. I have two little girls that will some day grow up and be in a relationship…and it’s my job to teach them the difference between a healthy relationship and a sick one. And it’s my job to teach them how to tell the difference and that they have the right to leave it if it’s unhealthy. I hope they are learning during our own trials over here, I’m sure they see most of what is going on. I don’t hide my emotions, I think it’s perfectly ok for people to feel what they feel. All that hiding stuff…it’s a recipe for disaster. It teaches kids to hide other things and that is just too scary to consider.