my brain just said, “Ok, enough of this positive energy crap…I’ll show you!” And I zonked out for about 3 hours. I woke up with cramps in my belly (yeah, it’s that time) and massive cramps in my back.
I had spent a few hours talking to a friend while I worked. He and I discussed how I undersell myself and my talents. I started doing some research (checking other designers sites) and realized that there is a ton of garbage out there masquerading as “high quality” and that I’m way undercharging people. Now, these people could all be on crack and are asking for outrageous fees and aren’t getting squat for customers. But it still doesn’t help me get some balls and charge more. In the interest of doing the right thing for the design community, perhaps I’ll rejoin the Graphic Artists Guild and price jobs by their guidelines again. I was pricing myself accordingly when I started doing this, I was a beginner and had limited skills and couldn’t charge full price. But now, I’m still not incredible but I have a clue, and I have more skills, resources and a bigger portfolio. I’m just shitty at sales. I end up giving away the farm because I can’t stand people to say “no” or whatever horrible thing I expect is going to happen (I have no basis for this, by the way. I couldn’t give you a rational reason for my behavior, even if I tried). So, now I’m trying to suck up, get a backbone, and charge prices like I mean it. I mean, I have friends who are incredibly good artists and they also sell themselves short, but they make enough to pay their bills. They see the bottom line and make sure they hover just above it. It’s always on their mind, they have a plan, they are in control. And I envy them.
Now, as for yesterday…I did think at ballet. I might have come up with a slight thought on a solution while driving home, but it’s still a thought that is formulating. There were too many distractions to really focus on it, I’m gonna try again tonight.
Off to cook…
:)
Thursday, August 31, 2006
Wednesday, August 30, 2006
It’s raining, It’s pouring…and life still goes on.
Tropical Storm Ernesto isn’t packing quite the punch they expected, but we are still getting wet. Today is the first day of Ballet, for which I have to pay $90 when I get there and I haven’t got it all. I also don’t think I have money for gas. This should be most interesting. I paid his truck yesterday (which is only slightly late) and told them not to put it through til Friday when he gets paid. My van however (which is severely late and in jeopardy of being repossessed) he laughs off and says “better clean out the garage and park it in there”. He’s such an asshole sometimes. I have less than 5 payments left on mine. Nice how it’s not a priority. Especially when the one he drives isn’t going to be repossessed if it’s late.
I’m taking the kids today and my daughter is going to get her ballet lessons no matter what organ I have to sell. It’s not fair to them that their dad has lost all of our money and now is too fucking scared to even breathe, let alone do what he’s good at and make a decent paycheck. It’s not their fault that he continues to make very bad decisions and won’t consult with me (as if I could stop him!) before doing so. And it’s not their fault that we live in an area where I couldn’t make more than minimum wage, even with the skills that I have. And it’s not their fault that their father finds every excuse under the sun to distract me and make me actually lose business while I work at home (and it’s not their fault that I allowed it for so long). This has ended recently when I stopped actually caring what he thought and stopped being afraid of him. But I have a lot of catching up and repairing of my reputation to do. People don’t quickly forget when you are not able to make deadlines and your only excuse is, “I’m not feeling well”. People must think I’m some sickly little person here.
I’m reading the copy of Psycho-cybernetics that mom lent me. I’m up to the point where it is showing how if you focus on the mistakes you’ve made in your life, you let them become your goal. That is what you will work towards and you will just keep making the same mistakes over and over. Boy is that right. I’m watching him make all these mistakes over and over and from an outside point of view it’s just obvious where he’s going wrong. Now…let’s change angles on the camera…where am I making my mistakes? Why am I agreeing to continue down this path of destruction? I can see myself doing it. One week I’m motivated and will be damned if anyone is going to steer me off my goal. The next I’m so physically exhausted from the previous weeks fighting that was necessary just to stay focused that I can’t repeat it. Then I get depressed, because despite my intentions, I’ve allowed him to wear me down again. Then about a week of this will make me sick to even be in the same room with myself. I disgust myself with my weak excuses and need for depression and I get pissed and I start fighting and the cycle begins again.
I need to figure out how to keep him from wearing me down during week one. I need to take a day to rest and read and reinforce the positive attitude I had in week one during week two. And I need to not focus on what I did wrong in week two but use that information to correct my course, and then get rid of it. As this book says, the part of you that gets you to your goal is like a guided missile. It only takes in negative information to use to correct it’s path and then it discards it because it doesn’t matter any more. The problem was fixed, you don’t need it. So, I need to “correct the path” using the negative information? I get through a week of great work, but have been hammered constantly from outside forces (hubby) who thinks I’m neglecting my duties (the only one that is getting neglected is my not waiting on him hand and foot). I start to let it wear on me. It makes me take a nose dive. So, if I were a guided missile. The negative information to be considered would be that by letting him wear me down, I take a nosedive. Like a guided missile that is pelted by excessive rain may be driven down a bit…hmmm…and what would the missile do? It’d fire it’s engine and just push up a bit harder til it was back on course. It might even go up higher so it’s not in the driving rain until it could pass the storm, depending on the level of intelligence this missile might have (and I have no idea if this is possible, we are talking hypothetically here). So now I have to figure out how to push myself back up, or back up and over the storm until the storm is done. OK, that was easy enough to figure out. Now how the hell do I do it?
I’m going to think about this while we are at ballet. I’m sure there is some mental exercise or something I can do to “get above” the emotional assault I’m sure to receive while I’m have a good week. I remember in my choir, I was in the soprano section and sometimes we had some very high notes to hit. My instructor told us that as we were hitting those high notes, we should visualize the color yellow, something like a field of bright yellow flowers… It worked every single time for all of us. The difference that one exercise made was incredible even. So I know it’s possible. I just need to figure out what will work for me.
Oh, hubby just called. He thinks he’s sold the pickup that I put a “for sale” sign on yesterday. Let’s hope. This will pay off my van and I won’t have to worry about it being repossessed anymore. It would be nice to not have to get out of bed whenever I hear a car door shut, for fear that the repo man is sneaking it away in the middle of the night.
Ok, off to ballet. Be back later :)
I’m taking the kids today and my daughter is going to get her ballet lessons no matter what organ I have to sell. It’s not fair to them that their dad has lost all of our money and now is too fucking scared to even breathe, let alone do what he’s good at and make a decent paycheck. It’s not their fault that he continues to make very bad decisions and won’t consult with me (as if I could stop him!) before doing so. And it’s not their fault that we live in an area where I couldn’t make more than minimum wage, even with the skills that I have. And it’s not their fault that their father finds every excuse under the sun to distract me and make me actually lose business while I work at home (and it’s not their fault that I allowed it for so long). This has ended recently when I stopped actually caring what he thought and stopped being afraid of him. But I have a lot of catching up and repairing of my reputation to do. People don’t quickly forget when you are not able to make deadlines and your only excuse is, “I’m not feeling well”. People must think I’m some sickly little person here.
I’m reading the copy of Psycho-cybernetics that mom lent me. I’m up to the point where it is showing how if you focus on the mistakes you’ve made in your life, you let them become your goal. That is what you will work towards and you will just keep making the same mistakes over and over. Boy is that right. I’m watching him make all these mistakes over and over and from an outside point of view it’s just obvious where he’s going wrong. Now…let’s change angles on the camera…where am I making my mistakes? Why am I agreeing to continue down this path of destruction? I can see myself doing it. One week I’m motivated and will be damned if anyone is going to steer me off my goal. The next I’m so physically exhausted from the previous weeks fighting that was necessary just to stay focused that I can’t repeat it. Then I get depressed, because despite my intentions, I’ve allowed him to wear me down again. Then about a week of this will make me sick to even be in the same room with myself. I disgust myself with my weak excuses and need for depression and I get pissed and I start fighting and the cycle begins again.
I need to figure out how to keep him from wearing me down during week one. I need to take a day to rest and read and reinforce the positive attitude I had in week one during week two. And I need to not focus on what I did wrong in week two but use that information to correct my course, and then get rid of it. As this book says, the part of you that gets you to your goal is like a guided missile. It only takes in negative information to use to correct it’s path and then it discards it because it doesn’t matter any more. The problem was fixed, you don’t need it. So, I need to “correct the path” using the negative information? I get through a week of great work, but have been hammered constantly from outside forces (hubby) who thinks I’m neglecting my duties (the only one that is getting neglected is my not waiting on him hand and foot). I start to let it wear on me. It makes me take a nose dive. So, if I were a guided missile. The negative information to be considered would be that by letting him wear me down, I take a nosedive. Like a guided missile that is pelted by excessive rain may be driven down a bit…hmmm…and what would the missile do? It’d fire it’s engine and just push up a bit harder til it was back on course. It might even go up higher so it’s not in the driving rain until it could pass the storm, depending on the level of intelligence this missile might have (and I have no idea if this is possible, we are talking hypothetically here). So now I have to figure out how to push myself back up, or back up and over the storm until the storm is done. OK, that was easy enough to figure out. Now how the hell do I do it?
I’m going to think about this while we are at ballet. I’m sure there is some mental exercise or something I can do to “get above” the emotional assault I’m sure to receive while I’m have a good week. I remember in my choir, I was in the soprano section and sometimes we had some very high notes to hit. My instructor told us that as we were hitting those high notes, we should visualize the color yellow, something like a field of bright yellow flowers… It worked every single time for all of us. The difference that one exercise made was incredible even. So I know it’s possible. I just need to figure out what will work for me.
Oh, hubby just called. He thinks he’s sold the pickup that I put a “for sale” sign on yesterday. Let’s hope. This will pay off my van and I won’t have to worry about it being repossessed anymore. It would be nice to not have to get out of bed whenever I hear a car door shut, for fear that the repo man is sneaking it away in the middle of the night.
Ok, off to ballet. Be back later :)
Tuesday, August 29, 2006
I’ve gotten quite a bit done, both inside and out of the house
I’ve done 2 designs, answered emails, listed some sites in directories and got my plan for the next few days set up. I’ve trimmed the front bushes, pulled an invasive vine out of a crepe myrtle (which was no easy task), cleaned up palm fronds which were all over the yard for some reason (and yes, there will be more by Friday if Ernesto has his way), I’ve been attacked by wasps, talked to the neighbor, been eaten alive by bugs, swam, read my book, cooked 3 meals, and gotten my daughter set for ballet tomorrow. It took her instructor calling to convince her to take the class without her sister (who didn’t like it so well last semester). And no, we did not do any school today. But my daughters did learn how marionettes work, how to escape wasps unscathed, and why the birds that live in the hedge keep burying themselves in the sand in our yard (it’s to cool off). There is always tomorrow…
Now, I’m itchy and considering a shower…I was going to jump back in the pool but now I’m not so sure. It is almost bed time for the girls though so…I’ll make up my mind after they go to bed.
And after they are in bed, I’ve got to either shower or swim and then shower and then I have a few more designs to do as well as some more link exchanges. So, I’ll be back.
:)
Now, I’m itchy and considering a shower…I was going to jump back in the pool but now I’m not so sure. It is almost bed time for the girls though so…I’ll make up my mind after they go to bed.
And after they are in bed, I’ve got to either shower or swim and then shower and then I have a few more designs to do as well as some more link exchanges. So, I’ll be back.
:)
I’m going to try to get my life back on schedule today
The King of Chaos was home all weekend. He took an extra day off just for good measure. Now I have to get my world back on track. The girls missed school yesterday since we went out, I also didn’t get a chance to clean or do laundry. The pool filter needs attention. Work is in desperate need of my attention. I’ve missed the homeschool co-op signup date and first day (it was last week) and am scrambling to get my oldest into a ballet class tomorrow. We donated a bed to Salvation Army and had to go out and show the nice men that came to get it where it was located. And my internet provider showed up at the door for a check, which I had to give them to keep myself online. And I’ve just been reminded that both vehicles are past due on a payment, so there is a few more pounds of stress thrown into the mix.
So today is gonna be a marathon of chores. And, honestly, it will be pretty much a normal day around here. Always scrambling to keep up, fix up or make up. Just for shits and giggles, I’d love to have my life in order. Organized, on schedule, everyone has everything they need, everyone is learning, loving life, and I can be my own true creative self and happy with where things are going. That’s my goal. It’s written down for all to see and that’s it. I’m sure my goal will accumulate some things as I go along. Horses, for one. But I’d like some stability first, then I’ll work on getting horses, trying to compete for fun, teaching my daughters all this book knowledge I have on horses in a real life situation so they can experience all that I missed out on.
Ok, it’s a busy day today…better buckle your seatbelt and put on your helmet if you are tagging along with me…
WHEEEEEE!!!!
(I’ll check in as the day goes by, if I get a break)
:)
So today is gonna be a marathon of chores. And, honestly, it will be pretty much a normal day around here. Always scrambling to keep up, fix up or make up. Just for shits and giggles, I’d love to have my life in order. Organized, on schedule, everyone has everything they need, everyone is learning, loving life, and I can be my own true creative self and happy with where things are going. That’s my goal. It’s written down for all to see and that’s it. I’m sure my goal will accumulate some things as I go along. Horses, for one. But I’d like some stability first, then I’ll work on getting horses, trying to compete for fun, teaching my daughters all this book knowledge I have on horses in a real life situation so they can experience all that I missed out on.
Ok, it’s a busy day today…better buckle your seatbelt and put on your helmet if you are tagging along with me…
WHEEEEEE!!!!
(I’ll check in as the day goes by, if I get a break)
:)
Monday, August 28, 2006
Looks like the hurricane won’t be coming ashore in my yard now…
I’m not happy that anyone has to have a hurricane hit them directly off the water, but I’m still glad it’s not supposed to hit us directly now. We will still get hit by the hurricane, don’t get me wrong, it just doesn’t appear that it’s going to be coming up the coast and jumping on land right by where I live. Yesterday they had it coming ashore either in Tampa Bay or directly over my neighborhood, depending on what weather chart you looked at. I prefer to stick with the guys who do this every day so I keep up with the NOAA predictions.
In case you are curious: NOAA 3 Day Cone for Hurricane Ernesto
I’m still going to continue preparing for a hurricane, since no one can be 100% sure where it’s going (prime example: Hurricane Charley).
Later,
:)
In case you are curious: NOAA 3 Day Cone for Hurricane Ernesto
I’m still going to continue preparing for a hurricane, since no one can be 100% sure where it’s going (prime example: Hurricane Charley).
Later,
:)
Sunday, August 27, 2006
It’s so easy to think of things worthy of being written down when you are nowhere that it’s convenient to write them down
Why is that? I mean, I get these profound thoughts while I’m doing dishes and am all wet and trying hard to get done so I can go do something else. But if I dry my hands and run to type it up, my brain goes blank as soon as I sit. This also happens while driving, showering, cleaning the kids room, and especially when I’m out at the in-laws and trying desperately to not act like their conversations are disgusting me.
One thing that seems to snap my brain into major thought mode is listening to Nickelback. Every single song brings about some sort of memory, thought, emotion…usually something new each time. I totally dig that band. I alternate between thinking “if only someone could like me that way” (as if in one song or another) and “if only I could be like that…be so bold that I let my emotions out for someone else to see!” I’ve been involved with music my whole life. I’ve had some interesting thoughts about why I need to have music in my world, but I’ll get to that another time. I’ve been in the choir and the orchestra in school. I’ve been in the music world, although always as an observer, no fun and wild shit for me. I’ve met loads of people, I’ve had some really intense conversations in the back seats in the Limelight or L’Amour, and I’ve not regretted any part of my involvement in the music industry, but I could never get into losing control and going nuts. Ok, I did do some modelling of rubber clothes once but I needed the cash, and it was really harmless (unless you count spraining a wrist while trying to get dressed). I’ve always been into the behind the scenes stuff…I could sit backstage and read a book while the band played and be absorbed in both. I love the music, I guess it’s the crowd thing that I just would rather avoid.
My first love ever, of both music and men, was Steve Perry. I got a tape player when I was 9 or 10, which would have been 1979 or 1980. The first time I heard Journey on that thing I was hooked. That voice just touched a spot in my soul. Yes, he was good looking. Yeah, he could move. But oh my GOD! That power and emotion in that voice were what counted. His voice just filled parts of my being that had never been alive before. I thought, “THIS is what I want to do when I get bigger! I HAVE to sing like that!” Well, I’ve mentioned choir. I did some opera theory classes. But, things never seem to go in the direction I would have liked when I was a kid. For some reason or another, I never got that far. I can sing, and I can sing with Steve Perry on the radio. But that’s as far as it got. I still listen to my Steve Perry and Journey tapes and CD’s (when my 7 and 5 year old give them back, that is. They are also hooked and I SWEAR I had nothing to do with it. I had quit listening to music altogether as I was slowly letting my soul shrivel up. They found my old music, pulled it out and now..well, let’s just say, the Steve Perry thing is obviously genetic LOL). Now, I was way obsessed. My mom will tell you, she could tell what mood I was in by what Journey song was blasting out of my room. Steve Perry and Journey have been there to listen to me cry over every breakup I’ve ever gone through. They’ve also been with me when I was fed up, pissed off, or ready to go out and take on the world. I miss those days when all it took was playing a song as loud as possible and singing to it 10 or 20 times in a row to get it all out of your system and make everything alright again. Hell, I can still take a good dose of Steve Perry and have a much better day, it just doesn’t last quite as long anymore.
I’m inclined to continue this, but I’m tired. I haven’t been sleeping well between the cat, the dog and the excessive amount of thunderstorms we have been getting at night. The cat has taken to grooming me while I sleep. I kid you not. She flattens my hair with her paws and then licks it nice and clean. While I’m sleeping. And that little licky sound in my ear makes me just totally bug out. I know she’s being nice but it’s hard to not wake up and tell her to go lick herself, or him, or the dog…just go do it somewhere I can’t hear it. I also feel the hormone fairies coming to visit…I’ve been really nasty the last 4 days or so. So it could be PMS. Anyway, I’m tired. And I have to start preparing for a freaking hurricane tomorrow. As it stands now, we will probably be evacuated. The Governor has issued a state of emergency (from what I understand it was in order to be able to evacuate the Florida Keys) but we might be under a mandatory evacuation by the time the hurricane gets closer. If so, I’m going to mom’s in Clearwater and hopefully she won’t lose power. Part of my prep work is going to be writing down all my damned passwords so I can work from her house. I might pack up my own computer and bring it. I brought it when we got evacuated for Hurricane Charley…I think that might be the best thing to do now that I think of it.
Ok, going to pass out now. More rambling thoughts tomorrow! LOL
:)
One thing that seems to snap my brain into major thought mode is listening to Nickelback. Every single song brings about some sort of memory, thought, emotion…usually something new each time. I totally dig that band. I alternate between thinking “if only someone could like me that way” (as if in one song or another) and “if only I could be like that…be so bold that I let my emotions out for someone else to see!” I’ve been involved with music my whole life. I’ve had some interesting thoughts about why I need to have music in my world, but I’ll get to that another time. I’ve been in the choir and the orchestra in school. I’ve been in the music world, although always as an observer, no fun and wild shit for me. I’ve met loads of people, I’ve had some really intense conversations in the back seats in the Limelight or L’Amour, and I’ve not regretted any part of my involvement in the music industry, but I could never get into losing control and going nuts. Ok, I did do some modelling of rubber clothes once but I needed the cash, and it was really harmless (unless you count spraining a wrist while trying to get dressed). I’ve always been into the behind the scenes stuff…I could sit backstage and read a book while the band played and be absorbed in both. I love the music, I guess it’s the crowd thing that I just would rather avoid.
My first love ever, of both music and men, was Steve Perry. I got a tape player when I was 9 or 10, which would have been 1979 or 1980. The first time I heard Journey on that thing I was hooked. That voice just touched a spot in my soul. Yes, he was good looking. Yeah, he could move. But oh my GOD! That power and emotion in that voice were what counted. His voice just filled parts of my being that had never been alive before. I thought, “THIS is what I want to do when I get bigger! I HAVE to sing like that!” Well, I’ve mentioned choir. I did some opera theory classes. But, things never seem to go in the direction I would have liked when I was a kid. For some reason or another, I never got that far. I can sing, and I can sing with Steve Perry on the radio. But that’s as far as it got. I still listen to my Steve Perry and Journey tapes and CD’s (when my 7 and 5 year old give them back, that is. They are also hooked and I SWEAR I had nothing to do with it. I had quit listening to music altogether as I was slowly letting my soul shrivel up. They found my old music, pulled it out and now..well, let’s just say, the Steve Perry thing is obviously genetic LOL). Now, I was way obsessed. My mom will tell you, she could tell what mood I was in by what Journey song was blasting out of my room. Steve Perry and Journey have been there to listen to me cry over every breakup I’ve ever gone through. They’ve also been with me when I was fed up, pissed off, or ready to go out and take on the world. I miss those days when all it took was playing a song as loud as possible and singing to it 10 or 20 times in a row to get it all out of your system and make everything alright again. Hell, I can still take a good dose of Steve Perry and have a much better day, it just doesn’t last quite as long anymore.
I’m inclined to continue this, but I’m tired. I haven’t been sleeping well between the cat, the dog and the excessive amount of thunderstorms we have been getting at night. The cat has taken to grooming me while I sleep. I kid you not. She flattens my hair with her paws and then licks it nice and clean. While I’m sleeping. And that little licky sound in my ear makes me just totally bug out. I know she’s being nice but it’s hard to not wake up and tell her to go lick herself, or him, or the dog…just go do it somewhere I can’t hear it. I also feel the hormone fairies coming to visit…I’ve been really nasty the last 4 days or so. So it could be PMS. Anyway, I’m tired. And I have to start preparing for a freaking hurricane tomorrow. As it stands now, we will probably be evacuated. The Governor has issued a state of emergency (from what I understand it was in order to be able to evacuate the Florida Keys) but we might be under a mandatory evacuation by the time the hurricane gets closer. If so, I’m going to mom’s in Clearwater and hopefully she won’t lose power. Part of my prep work is going to be writing down all my damned passwords so I can work from her house. I might pack up my own computer and bring it. I brought it when we got evacuated for Hurricane Charley…I think that might be the best thing to do now that I think of it.
Ok, going to pass out now. More rambling thoughts tomorrow! LOL
:)
I took pictures of the cat!!!
She’s not very active, I had to piss her off to get her to even open her eyes and look up. But here they are…
So, there you go…pictures of Mystery in all her glory! LOL
I’ve been slacking this weekend. I spent a few hours reading (OMG!) and some time hanging out with the family. I’m trying to work today but when everyone went out it got too quiet and I couldn’t concentrate. Weird. I also am not enjoying typing the last few days since my keyboard (that is fairly new) stopped working properly.
I’m going to head back and do at least one design before this day is over. See ya!
:)
So, there you go…pictures of Mystery in all her glory! LOL
I’ve been slacking this weekend. I spent a few hours reading (OMG!) and some time hanging out with the family. I’m trying to work today but when everyone went out it got too quiet and I couldn’t concentrate. Weird. I also am not enjoying typing the last few days since my keyboard (that is fairly new) stopped working properly.
I’m going to head back and do at least one design before this day is over. See ya!
:)
Thursday, August 24, 2006
I’m still here, I’ve just been working
I actually sat down and blasted through a lot of work I’ve been slacking on. The novelty of a cat has worn off, the girls are almost back to a normal schedule and I’m 70% done with getting the house in order. Granted, as I’m doing 10% someone is behind me destroying 5% so it’s a two steps forward, one step back kind of fight. I’m trying very hard to reasonably teach my daughters to clean up after themselves. I thought the idea that a rat was in the house and their Barbie paraphenalia would be prime nesting material would have them cleaning like crazy, but I was wrong. That is apparently my job. And I’m tired of it. OH. And while I’m at it…
WOULD IT FUCKING KILL HIM TO PICK UP HIS DAMNED UNDERWEAR AND CLOTHES FROM YESTERDAY AND PUT THEM WHERE THEY FUCKING BELONG???
Ok, I feel better now. Well, sort of. Til I walk in my room again and see his debris all over. Normally, you’d assume this person is just challenged in the area of cleanliness…and deal with it accordingly. Well, this person is the first to tear into me or the girls about their bad habits. About how badly we take care of the house, and how we can’t keep anything clean. OH REALLY? Well..maybe if I weren’t picking up his shorts and other assorted debris strewn about the house then I’d have time to get everything else cleaned up???
I guess I had better get the kids educated and get some more work done, or my good feeling about myself will go right down the shitter. (although I just realized yesterday after it was too late that ballet started and my oldest was planning on going but it’s $90 and I do not have it - I’m gonna work on getting it this week and see if they’ll let her start next week, she benefits from it too much to not let her go) So my self esteem has taken a small nose-dive but I’m positive I can bring it back up. As Dori says, “You just gotta keep on swimming, just keep swimming, swimming, swimming…”
And this bitchfest has been inspired by Enyo. I had read your blog and then started writing here and I realized I was following one of your threads We are SO married to the same lazy dirty demeaning fat bastard! It’s frightening…how many more do you think might be out there???
:)
WOULD IT FUCKING KILL HIM TO PICK UP HIS DAMNED UNDERWEAR AND CLOTHES FROM YESTERDAY AND PUT THEM WHERE THEY FUCKING BELONG???
Ok, I feel better now. Well, sort of. Til I walk in my room again and see his debris all over. Normally, you’d assume this person is just challenged in the area of cleanliness…and deal with it accordingly. Well, this person is the first to tear into me or the girls about their bad habits. About how badly we take care of the house, and how we can’t keep anything clean. OH REALLY? Well..maybe if I weren’t picking up his shorts and other assorted debris strewn about the house then I’d have time to get everything else cleaned up???
I guess I had better get the kids educated and get some more work done, or my good feeling about myself will go right down the shitter. (although I just realized yesterday after it was too late that ballet started and my oldest was planning on going but it’s $90 and I do not have it - I’m gonna work on getting it this week and see if they’ll let her start next week, she benefits from it too much to not let her go) So my self esteem has taken a small nose-dive but I’m positive I can bring it back up. As Dori says, “You just gotta keep on swimming, just keep swimming, swimming, swimming…”
And this bitchfest has been inspired by Enyo. I had read your blog and then started writing here and I realized I was following one of your threads
We are SO married to the same lazy dirty demeaning fat bastard! It’s frightening…how many more do you think might be out there???:)
Tuesday, August 22, 2006
Should have just stayed in bed today
but I had stuff to do. My littlest daughter had to go get a tooth extracted, she’s been doing this for months. It started out simple enough, and then the dentist wanted to try to save it, then my daughter freaked because she was in there so long I guess her patience wore thin. We were then referred to a sedation dentist. We started along that path but when the question about heart murmurs and such came up, I told them that she’d been diagnosed with one since birth, but that it must have gone away because her doctor down here hadn’t mentioned it. They required a certificate from a cardiologist saying it was ok. So we started the process of getting her to the cardiologist, which started with me getting her a visit to her doctor. Since this doctor is just a family physician and had just caused my husband to not be insurable by putting incorrect information in his records (yeah, we seem to have some serious issues, don’t we?) I decided maybe she should see a pediatrician because I now had no faith in this man.
The pediatrician says “she has a murmur but it sounds innocent, here is a cardiologist I recommend”. So I call, and call, and call. After weeks I get this man who says it is going to be 2 months before she can come in. 2 months? She has a half finished tooth extraction…she needs to do this now. Sorry, no chance, is the reply. so…
I call the pediatrician back and ask for another cardiologist. There is only one more in the area it seems. So the phone calls start. 2 weeks, one hour a day I’m on hold. I finally get fed up and start looking anywhere within driving distance for anyone that can see her. I find a pediatric cardiologist an hour away. AND a real person answered AND they gave me an appointment within a week! So we went, did that, got to see a sonogram of her perfectly healthy happy heart that happens to have an innocent heart murmur and get our certificate so she can get dental work done. OH. That was the reason for all this wasn’t it? I mean, I’m much happier now knowing that the heart murmur that I thought was gone but isn’t is really not anything to worry about. :p
So…now the dentist is booked til next month. But they have me on a list to call if anyone cancels. Now, we’d been playing games with pediatricians and cardiologists for a month, and in the meantime she’d developed an abcess so she’d been on antibiotics. None were making it look better so they kept giving her stronger antibiotics. She ran out Saturday so I called yesterday to ask if we needed to get more. They were going to leave a note for the doctor to see what he wanted to do. They called me back last night and said that someone had cancelled for a sedation appointment this morning, did I want to come? So I said yes, got her all prepped (lied through my teeth about going early today so we could have them look at the “bubble” (abcess) and they were going to give her special really really strong antibiotics that she drinks right there in the office.) and let her stay up later (as they suggested so she’d be tired) and set off this morning for the appointment. It all went wonderfully, she’s not pissed at me, and when the dentist told her all she could have for lunch was mashed potatoes and a Frosty (from Wendy’s) she was actually happy.
Then we came home and got hit by the odd smell that seemed to have developed. Hmmmm. I checked all over. No one had any accidents. I had no idea. The day went on, the smell got worse. Then I thought, I wonder if all the poison hubby put in the garage could work so fast and I’m smelling dead rodents? I think I was on to something there. It’s beyond foul now and I’m gonna go head to the other end of the house and hope it’s not as smelly. I may be spending tomorrow poolside though if it’s worse.
I wish I had a laptop.
The pediatrician says “she has a murmur but it sounds innocent, here is a cardiologist I recommend”. So I call, and call, and call. After weeks I get this man who says it is going to be 2 months before she can come in. 2 months? She has a half finished tooth extraction…she needs to do this now. Sorry, no chance, is the reply. so…
I call the pediatrician back and ask for another cardiologist. There is only one more in the area it seems. So the phone calls start. 2 weeks, one hour a day I’m on hold. I finally get fed up and start looking anywhere within driving distance for anyone that can see her. I find a pediatric cardiologist an hour away. AND a real person answered AND they gave me an appointment within a week! So we went, did that, got to see a sonogram of her perfectly healthy happy heart that happens to have an innocent heart murmur and get our certificate so she can get dental work done. OH. That was the reason for all this wasn’t it? I mean, I’m much happier now knowing that the heart murmur that I thought was gone but isn’t is really not anything to worry about. :p
So…now the dentist is booked til next month. But they have me on a list to call if anyone cancels. Now, we’d been playing games with pediatricians and cardiologists for a month, and in the meantime she’d developed an abcess so she’d been on antibiotics. None were making it look better so they kept giving her stronger antibiotics. She ran out Saturday so I called yesterday to ask if we needed to get more. They were going to leave a note for the doctor to see what he wanted to do. They called me back last night and said that someone had cancelled for a sedation appointment this morning, did I want to come? So I said yes, got her all prepped (lied through my teeth about going early today so we could have them look at the “bubble” (abcess) and they were going to give her special really really strong antibiotics that she drinks right there in the office.) and let her stay up later (as they suggested so she’d be tired) and set off this morning for the appointment. It all went wonderfully, she’s not pissed at me, and when the dentist told her all she could have for lunch was mashed potatoes and a Frosty (from Wendy’s) she was actually happy.
Then we came home and got hit by the odd smell that seemed to have developed. Hmmmm. I checked all over. No one had any accidents. I had no idea. The day went on, the smell got worse. Then I thought, I wonder if all the poison hubby put in the garage could work so fast and I’m smelling dead rodents? I think I was on to something there. It’s beyond foul now and I’m gonna go head to the other end of the house and hope it’s not as smelly. I may be spending tomorrow poolside though if it’s worse.
I wish I had a laptop.
Monday, August 21, 2006
the rat is still here
and FYI: sleeping cats do NOT appreciate someong grabbing them, screaming “GET THE RAT!!!” and throwing them into a closet with the rat which they can’t even see cause it’s hiding.
I found it in the coat closet and ended up tearing the whole thing up to find it. I removed tons of coats we haven’t worn in ages, hell, I doubt we even fit in them. I took out scarves, gloves and a few other items that were in there for safe keeping (ha!) and found a newly constructed attempt at a nest. I’ve dimantled it, bleached the closet floor (the nest was on the floor) and wrapped all the small important objects in bags sealed with duct tape. If something does try to get in, I will be able to tell. I need bigger bags to store the coats in and those will also get hung back up and sealed with duct tape. I’m so sick of this stupid rat problem. And the little bastards aren’t very big really, so they can hide really well.
Oh, and the cat is no where to be found. She’s probably not coming back out today after I scared the hell out of her, and I really can’t blame her.
Also the water situation seems to have been gotten under control (yes, I updated the last post, but they have confirmed with us that we can give them half tomorrow and make arrangements on the rest.
And now…I’m really going to work.
I found it in the coat closet and ended up tearing the whole thing up to find it. I removed tons of coats we haven’t worn in ages, hell, I doubt we even fit in them. I took out scarves, gloves and a few other items that were in there for safe keeping (ha!) and found a newly constructed attempt at a nest. I’ve dimantled it, bleached the closet floor (the nest was on the floor) and wrapped all the small important objects in bags sealed with duct tape. If something does try to get in, I will be able to tell. I need bigger bags to store the coats in and those will also get hung back up and sealed with duct tape. I’m so sick of this stupid rat problem. And the little bastards aren’t very big really, so they can hide really well.
Oh, and the cat is no where to be found. She’s probably not coming back out today after I scared the hell out of her, and I really can’t blame her.
Also the water situation seems to have been gotten under control (yes, I updated the last post, but they have confirmed with us that we can give them half tomorrow and make arrangements on the rest.
And now…I’m really going to work.
Sunday, August 20, 2006
The cat has officially taken over the house
All activity not pertaining directly or indirectly to the happiness or well being of the cat is ordered to cease immediately. As Ordered By Her Majestly, Mystery the Cat
Saturday, August 19, 2006
We’ve got a cat (didn’t see that coming, did you? LOL)
After reading Enyo’s accounts of the bad news about Monty, I feel sort of bad to be excited about our new cat. 
But I’m still happy that we got her. My dog, however, is not quite so pleased. She was just very curious until she found out that cats hit, now she’s annoyed and curious. The cat we chose happened to have been declawed by a previous owner and so she just punched the dog square in the face when the dog got too close. I would have done the same…I mean, the cat weighs what? 7 lbs? I really don’t know, I didn’t weigh her, but she’s relatively medium sized. And the dog is 100 lbs? I’d have definitely been spitting and hissing and punching just to make the dog think I was insane if nothing else so it would leave me alone.
She’s a long haired tiger cat (not their name but my description of her) and she’s 2 years old (at best guess). She was less than thrilled with the car ride (who would be thrilled riding in a box in a car?) but made herself right at home after punching the dog in the face. My daughters entire existence has revolved around this cat since we got home. They’ve done everything possible to pamper her and she’s very much enjoying the attention. She is not a very independent cat, she does like to be around people and has followed me everywhere but in my office (probably because the dog is sleeping in the doorway). I do have to add that she’s a very cuddly kind of cat. She purrs constantly and just wants to be snuggled with. One of those papoose type baby carriers that you strap on to your front would probably be her ideal place to sit. She loves to be held. My daughter says she’s a Mystery (oh, that was the name the shelter gave her and we are keeping it) because she doesn’t act like a normal cat - she likes to be held all the time. She might be right.
I’m exhausted now, so I’m gonna just go pass out and hopefully there won’t be any cat-dog wars in the middle of the night.
If there was I’ll have something else to write about tomorrow then, won’t I? LOL
Goodnight
But I’m still happy that we got her. My dog, however, is not quite so pleased. She was just very curious until she found out that cats hit, now she’s annoyed and curious. The cat we chose happened to have been declawed by a previous owner and so she just punched the dog square in the face when the dog got too close. I would have done the same…I mean, the cat weighs what? 7 lbs? I really don’t know, I didn’t weigh her, but she’s relatively medium sized. And the dog is 100 lbs? I’d have definitely been spitting and hissing and punching just to make the dog think I was insane if nothing else so it would leave me alone.
She’s a long haired tiger cat (not their name but my description of her) and she’s 2 years old (at best guess). She was less than thrilled with the car ride (who would be thrilled riding in a box in a car?) but made herself right at home after punching the dog in the face. My daughters entire existence has revolved around this cat since we got home. They’ve done everything possible to pamper her and she’s very much enjoying the attention. She is not a very independent cat, she does like to be around people and has followed me everywhere but in my office (probably because the dog is sleeping in the doorway). I do have to add that she’s a very cuddly kind of cat. She purrs constantly and just wants to be snuggled with. One of those papoose type baby carriers that you strap on to your front would probably be her ideal place to sit. She loves to be held. My daughter says she’s a Mystery (oh, that was the name the shelter gave her and we are keeping it) because she doesn’t act like a normal cat - she likes to be held all the time. She might be right.
I’m exhausted now, so I’m gonna just go pass out and hopefully there won’t be any cat-dog wars in the middle of the night.
If there was I’ll have something else to write about tomorrow then, won’t I? LOL
Goodnight
I’ve just smudged the house!
this time I used a prosperity stick, a smudging stick with sage and pine (I think, the wrapper has disappeared).
For those of you who are thinking I’ve totally lost it…smudging is a Native American method of getting rid of negative energy. I’m sure there is a more accurate description, but I’m not the person to give it. My mom has been doing this my whole life, and I’m sure she could explain better. I have a large shell, like half a clam, that is about 8-10 inches long. I put dried sage in and light it. Now, her method (and I could be doing this wrong, I’ve only just started doing it again) is to go counter-clockwise through the house holding the shell with the smoldering sage (yes, you blow out the flame so it just smokes). Using a hawk feather, I’m sure you could use something else or just blow on it to get it to smoke more, but that is what I have, you fan the embers and make a lot of smoke. It seems the more negative a room, the more smoke it produces. You go through the house like this, all the time thinking peaceful thoughts (I could go into that more but I won’t) - it’s the feeling that counts really - and then go back through to where you began. I usually bring the remains back in my office to burn off. Now, just a warning, straight sage smells a lot like pot. So, if you have neighbors who are busy bodies, you might wanna tell them that you are burning sage, show them the package and start it outside their door just to keep their negative vibes in their own territory. All I know is that when I smudge the house, I feel better. So, I do it.
Ok, now that you KNOW I’ve totally lost it…I’m going back to work. LOL
:)
For those of you who are thinking I’ve totally lost it…smudging is a Native American method of getting rid of negative energy. I’m sure there is a more accurate description, but I’m not the person to give it. My mom has been doing this my whole life, and I’m sure she could explain better. I have a large shell, like half a clam, that is about 8-10 inches long. I put dried sage in and light it. Now, her method (and I could be doing this wrong, I’ve only just started doing it again) is to go counter-clockwise through the house holding the shell with the smoldering sage (yes, you blow out the flame so it just smokes). Using a hawk feather, I’m sure you could use something else or just blow on it to get it to smoke more, but that is what I have, you fan the embers and make a lot of smoke. It seems the more negative a room, the more smoke it produces. You go through the house like this, all the time thinking peaceful thoughts (I could go into that more but I won’t) - it’s the feeling that counts really - and then go back through to where you began. I usually bring the remains back in my office to burn off. Now, just a warning, straight sage smells a lot like pot. So, if you have neighbors who are busy bodies, you might wanna tell them that you are burning sage, show them the package and start it outside their door just to keep their negative vibes in their own territory. All I know is that when I smudge the house, I feel better. So, I do it.
Ok, now that you KNOW I’ve totally lost it…I’m going back to work. LOL
:)
We are going to get a cat
After the rat incident, we’ve been thinking…and we both think that we could deal with having a cat around here. At first we were discussing it with the codename: alligator. He told the girls we were getting an alligator to keep the rodents away. The big one didn’t buy it. After he left for work, she asked me if we were really getting a cat. The little one just thinks he’s out of his mind. She might not be wrong.
Anyway, we’ve discussed it and the girls now know about it so it’s set in stone. There is no going back now. I just hope I can deal with a cat. I have had 2, both came with a previous marriage. I have no problem with cats. They just haven’t been compatible with my other choices of pets so far (birds, fish, turtles, gerbils, hamsters and, yes, snakes and iguanas) We had to put our 14 year old dog to sleep in October, and we’ve never really considered getting anything else. We do have another dog, but she was somewhat neurotic when we got her and after 8 years hasn’t gotten much better. She is fat, sleeps all day, loves food and is scared to go outside. As an Akita/shepherd mix she’s pretty big (100 lbs or so) but she hides behind the bed all day long, and you don’t normally see her unless it’s time to eat or someone’s come in the front door. (oh, and as I write this it’s started to thunder and I now have a 100lb dog stuck to my leg) She seems to get along with most animals, we’ve had a few come for visits when relatives came down. I guess we shall see how they get along together. The house is big enough to have both of them even if they don’t see eye to eye. It is going to be interesting though.
Today’s project is to finish cleaning my office, get mom’s stuff out of my closet and packed and on it’s way to her house, and put my own things in order where i can find them. With the couch in here, it’s actually a lot more warm and comfortable. Having a bunch of desks and computers all running in here was a bit office-like and not comfortable at all. I can’t wait til I can get the coffee table in here and my little desk top water fountain going. Then I’m painting the walls and really going crazy. I have to get my awesome picture that my grandmother gave me fixed, the glass and frame need replacing, actually. When it’s whole again, it’s going to get center wall with a picture light aimed on it. I might actually love my office when I get it done.
I have a load of work to catch up on as well. I was slacking since the rat. Well, I’ve been cleaning every nook and cranny trying to find where it could be hiding. BUT mom pointed out some holes in the bathroom cabinets where the pipes come in and out and now we are fairly sure we know why we can’t find it (I’ve torn this place up looking for signs of it and to no avail). I think it’s conveniently letting itself in, and the commotion since it got “noticed” the other night might be keeping it from coming back in. But, I could be wrong. We’ll see, I guess.
Now I have to get this office done before the troops show up.
:)
Anyway, we’ve discussed it and the girls now know about it so it’s set in stone. There is no going back now. I just hope I can deal with a cat. I have had 2, both came with a previous marriage. I have no problem with cats. They just haven’t been compatible with my other choices of pets so far (birds, fish, turtles, gerbils, hamsters and, yes, snakes and iguanas) We had to put our 14 year old dog to sleep in October, and we’ve never really considered getting anything else. We do have another dog, but she was somewhat neurotic when we got her and after 8 years hasn’t gotten much better. She is fat, sleeps all day, loves food and is scared to go outside. As an Akita/shepherd mix she’s pretty big (100 lbs or so) but she hides behind the bed all day long, and you don’t normally see her unless it’s time to eat or someone’s come in the front door. (oh, and as I write this it’s started to thunder and I now have a 100lb dog stuck to my leg) She seems to get along with most animals, we’ve had a few come for visits when relatives came down. I guess we shall see how they get along together. The house is big enough to have both of them even if they don’t see eye to eye. It is going to be interesting though.
Today’s project is to finish cleaning my office, get mom’s stuff out of my closet and packed and on it’s way to her house, and put my own things in order where i can find them. With the couch in here, it’s actually a lot more warm and comfortable. Having a bunch of desks and computers all running in here was a bit office-like and not comfortable at all. I can’t wait til I can get the coffee table in here and my little desk top water fountain going. Then I’m painting the walls and really going crazy. I have to get my awesome picture that my grandmother gave me fixed, the glass and frame need replacing, actually. When it’s whole again, it’s going to get center wall with a picture light aimed on it. I might actually love my office when I get it done.
I have a load of work to catch up on as well. I was slacking since the rat. Well, I’ve been cleaning every nook and cranny trying to find where it could be hiding. BUT mom pointed out some holes in the bathroom cabinets where the pipes come in and out and now we are fairly sure we know why we can’t find it (I’ve torn this place up looking for signs of it and to no avail). I think it’s conveniently letting itself in, and the commotion since it got “noticed” the other night might be keeping it from coming back in. But, I could be wrong. We’ll see, I guess.
Now I have to get this office done before the troops show up.
:)
Friday, August 18, 2006
I really am just a twisted bitter bitch sometimes
I had a very pleasant day before he got home, got sidetracked a few times but it was worth it. We had a nice dinner, kids were in bed (not sleeping, but in bed) on time, and then he came home and no sooner does he walk in a freaking citrus rat goes bolting under the fridge in front of him. It’s like he just oozes chaos. I swear. All day…no problems. He’s home and the choas begins. So, the rat is under the fridge, right? No. We pull it out, he’s nowhere to be seen. We think he’s in the fridge, well, in all the coils and things, but can’t see him. So he goes and gets two rat traps (yeah, when you live in Florida, you just have these things laying around) and puts them by both sides of the fridge and sits down and watches. I decide he’s watching, I’ll go calm down the 7 year old who heard him start cursing about a rat and won’t sleep. I get her calmed and come out to see if there was any action. He’s asleep at his post. So now, who knows if the stupid thing came out or not? Not him. Not me. Now I’m totally paranoid and think the girls are gonna have a rat in their room because where else is better to hide than in piles of princess dresses or under a bed where the owner likes to eat popcorn as she has her bedtime story? I go and look and sure enough…right on the spot where we were sorting Barbie shoes earlier…there is rat shit. And the 7 year old is still awake and bordering on panicking. I don’t let her know that I saw rat shit, but I tell her since she’s awake I’ll stay in her room with her and while I’m in here, why don’t I just clean up your dress-up bin and your closet? I cleaned for 2 hours and she only just fell asleep right before I finished. I’m really paranoid though, I wonder if I should keep their light on (they’d never notice) all night to discourage it from coming in there. I could sleep in there but I’m really sure it won’t see me as a threat.
So, as I’m cleaning and trying to amuse myself, I start thinking. Why is it that I am so bitter towards him? I tried going back and finding a point where I started hating him more than I loved him. He had his moments in NJ. But I think it was definitely since we moved to Florida. I’m thinking the week we were looking for houses might have been it. His parents sold me on moving to Florida by pushing how wonderful Ocala was. And I love Ocala. It’s like a horse junkie’s paradise. Anyway, I thought we were going to end up somewhere near there. Which is convenient because it’s halfway between both our families. We spent a week driving around looking at different areas. We looked at Lady Lake (The Villages) because my aunt and uncle lived there and were convinced that if we got in there with a business and lived nearby we’d be making a wise move. I thought so as well. It was perfect. Just south of Ocala, new area, being built up and being marketed like mad. It was ideal. Except he didn’t like it. I should have seen the red flags go up, but I didn’t. So, the day we were leaving, the plan was to go to Ocala next and check it out. We headed up 41, hit the first intersection in Ocala and he made a beeline for the interstate. He couldn’t get out fast enough. He didn’t like the area. I was so flustered and confused, I don’t think I actually had a coherent thought til we hit Tampa. I just kept thinking, “Did he really just do what he did?” He never even saw Ocala! We were on the outskirts and granted, it wasn’t the greatest looking area, it wasn’t even town yet! We hadn’t even seen ONE horse at that point. Oh, and to add to my confusion and disorientation, my mom had just called to tell me that Seattle Slew had died as I was searching desperately for a Dunkin Donuts…that is about the exact moment that he made his decision (out loud anyway). Now, I was always mad at him for that and a little mad at his parents for swaying his decision to move where we did. I don’t doubt that he was influenced to come near them but last week I was talking to his mother and she said something about how I didn’t like Ocala. I asked here what the hell she was talking about and she said that he told her we didn’t move there because I didn’t like it. This might be contributing to my recent bout of nastiness toward him as well. But I think that day that he just skipped Ocala when we were looking for places to live was the turning point in our relationship. That and buying a house without me on his next trip down didn’t help either. Oh, and buying another restaurant when we had agreed to buy homes and fix them and resell them also damaged the whole trust thing. Not only did he buy one, he bought one in the very place I told him that every single realtor I had spoken to said to avoid like the plague.
I love these little talks we have. I was thinking I was overreacting or being selfish or a bitch. BUT he’s really lucky that I haven’t gone completely ballistic on him. And just in case you are wondering, this type of shit has been happening since we got here. So, it’s not isolated little incidents. Oh no…it’s a freaking trend.
Well, I’m gonna go tiptoe through the house like Elmer Fudd and hunt for that waskelly wat…
:)
So, as I’m cleaning and trying to amuse myself, I start thinking. Why is it that I am so bitter towards him? I tried going back and finding a point where I started hating him more than I loved him. He had his moments in NJ. But I think it was definitely since we moved to Florida. I’m thinking the week we were looking for houses might have been it. His parents sold me on moving to Florida by pushing how wonderful Ocala was. And I love Ocala. It’s like a horse junkie’s paradise. Anyway, I thought we were going to end up somewhere near there. Which is convenient because it’s halfway between both our families. We spent a week driving around looking at different areas. We looked at Lady Lake (The Villages) because my aunt and uncle lived there and were convinced that if we got in there with a business and lived nearby we’d be making a wise move. I thought so as well. It was perfect. Just south of Ocala, new area, being built up and being marketed like mad. It was ideal. Except he didn’t like it. I should have seen the red flags go up, but I didn’t. So, the day we were leaving, the plan was to go to Ocala next and check it out. We headed up 41, hit the first intersection in Ocala and he made a beeline for the interstate. He couldn’t get out fast enough. He didn’t like the area. I was so flustered and confused, I don’t think I actually had a coherent thought til we hit Tampa. I just kept thinking, “Did he really just do what he did?” He never even saw Ocala! We were on the outskirts and granted, it wasn’t the greatest looking area, it wasn’t even town yet! We hadn’t even seen ONE horse at that point. Oh, and to add to my confusion and disorientation, my mom had just called to tell me that Seattle Slew had died as I was searching desperately for a Dunkin Donuts…that is about the exact moment that he made his decision (out loud anyway). Now, I was always mad at him for that and a little mad at his parents for swaying his decision to move where we did. I don’t doubt that he was influenced to come near them but last week I was talking to his mother and she said something about how I didn’t like Ocala. I asked here what the hell she was talking about and she said that he told her we didn’t move there because I didn’t like it. This might be contributing to my recent bout of nastiness toward him as well. But I think that day that he just skipped Ocala when we were looking for places to live was the turning point in our relationship. That and buying a house without me on his next trip down didn’t help either. Oh, and buying another restaurant when we had agreed to buy homes and fix them and resell them also damaged the whole trust thing. Not only did he buy one, he bought one in the very place I told him that every single realtor I had spoken to said to avoid like the plague.
I love these little talks we have. I was thinking I was overreacting or being selfish or a bitch. BUT he’s really lucky that I haven’t gone completely ballistic on him. And just in case you are wondering, this type of shit has been happening since we got here. So, it’s not isolated little incidents. Oh no…it’s a freaking trend.
Well, I’m gonna go tiptoe through the house like Elmer Fudd and hunt for that waskelly wat…
:)
Thursday, August 17, 2006
I think I’m rational again, but I’m not promising anything
He’s gone all day today. I don’t have to be stressed out by the idea that he’ll be home at dinner making his comments (which, btw, are daily…yesterday’s just set me off for some reason. Maybe I was just tired?) I’m not going to dwell on it today, I have too much to do and not enough brain power to do it.
I’ve run out of Claritan
Now I feel like my head is stuffed with a mixture of cotton balls and Elmer’s glue. I thought I saw some Tylenol Sinus in the medicine cabinet (you know the real kind of sinus medicine that actually worked before they ripped them off the shelf so we couldn’t do anything illegal with them? And yes, that is at the top of my list for most assanine and useless preventative measures ever, although the top is making guns illegal for people who buy them legally and therefore don’t commit the crimes they are trying to prevent because they can be tracked back to them.) I’m grouchy so I won’t get up on my soapbox (just yet, I’m saving that for the website I’m building). So you got off lucky today. LOL
My girls are busy playing, the dishes need to be done, the floors need to be mopped, websites need to be built and all I can focus on is the Elmer’s Glue/Cotton ball mess in my head. I think I’m going for the Tylenol that I hope is still young enough to work and not have mutated into some other diabolical substance, like caffiene…and yes, I’m waiting for them to outlaw that as well. I’m sure that some controlling little dweeb in our government body thinks that it’s in my best interest to pass a law that prohibits me drinking more than 1 coffee a day or something. I’ve been working on a website to educate kids (especially homeschooled ones because, honestly, why would public school kids look up anything educational if they didn’t have to?) on how our government works, and how it was designed to have safeguards and checks and balances. AND how the people are supposed to be the ones influencing the rules and systems our governement establishes..BUT how people have stopped being educated so they are led around like herd animals because they just don’t know better. I want children and adults, if they are so inclined, to know what their rights are when it comes to the government. We (the collective citizens of this great country) have allowed government to get too big for it’s own britches. It’s time to teach the next generation how to bring it back under control by using those checks and balances, by standing up and making a change when they know something isn’t working the way it should. There may not be changes in my lifetime, but I can always hope that my grandchildren will live in a more balanced USA because of the things that our generation taught them to do.
Ok…did I say I’d stay off the soapbox? LOL Oh well, my sinuses are more open now, maybe I need to start lecturing to get started in the morning instead of taking sinus meds? LOL
I’ll knock it off now and get to work…I really do have a lot to get done here. I’m sure I’ll be thinking of more to say as I’m going through the day. Lucky you, huh?
I’ve run out of Claritan
Now I feel like my head is stuffed with a mixture of cotton balls and Elmer’s glue. I thought I saw some Tylenol Sinus in the medicine cabinet (you know the real kind of sinus medicine that actually worked before they ripped them off the shelf so we couldn’t do anything illegal with them? And yes, that is at the top of my list for most assanine and useless preventative measures ever, although the top is making guns illegal for people who buy them legally and therefore don’t commit the crimes they are trying to prevent because they can be tracked back to them.) I’m grouchy so I won’t get up on my soapbox (just yet, I’m saving that for the website I’m building). So you got off lucky today. LOLMy girls are busy playing, the dishes need to be done, the floors need to be mopped, websites need to be built and all I can focus on is the Elmer’s Glue/Cotton ball mess in my head. I think I’m going for the Tylenol that I hope is still young enough to work and not have mutated into some other diabolical substance, like caffiene…and yes, I’m waiting for them to outlaw that as well. I’m sure that some controlling little dweeb in our government body thinks that it’s in my best interest to pass a law that prohibits me drinking more than 1 coffee a day or something. I’ve been working on a website to educate kids (especially homeschooled ones because, honestly, why would public school kids look up anything educational if they didn’t have to?) on how our government works, and how it was designed to have safeguards and checks and balances. AND how the people are supposed to be the ones influencing the rules and systems our governement establishes..BUT how people have stopped being educated so they are led around like herd animals because they just don’t know better. I want children and adults, if they are so inclined, to know what their rights are when it comes to the government. We (the collective citizens of this great country) have allowed government to get too big for it’s own britches. It’s time to teach the next generation how to bring it back under control by using those checks and balances, by standing up and making a change when they know something isn’t working the way it should. There may not be changes in my lifetime, but I can always hope that my grandchildren will live in a more balanced USA because of the things that our generation taught them to do.
Ok…did I say I’d stay off the soapbox? LOL Oh well, my sinuses are more open now, maybe I need to start lecturing to get started in the morning instead of taking sinus meds? LOL
I’ll knock it off now and get to work…I really do have a lot to get done here. I’m sure I’ll be thinking of more to say as I’m going through the day. Lucky you, huh?
Wednesday, August 16, 2006
Is he deliberately trying to keep me off balance?
I’m looking back over my posts and every day is something different. It all seems the same every day from this point of view, but damn…it sure doesn’t look that way from the outside. I wish I had done this earlier. Maybe I wouldn’t feel like I was losing my mind now.
Btw, he’s snoring in his chair…he did come in and ask what was wrong with me. Since the girls were standing next to him and I didn’t want to make a scene I said, “nothing important”. I was hoping that he’d manage to stay awake til after I got the girls in bed. I wanted to ask him if he really wanted to consider just ending the marriage since it seems we do nothing but attack each other verbally anymore. But…he’s sleeping. He also wanted me to create something on his laptop, guess that’s not happening either, cause I really don’t feel like waking him up at this point. The peace and quiet is too nice.
I’m going to go surround myself with Photoshop where I’m happy, warm and loved
Thanks for putting up with my emotional volcanos…
:)
Btw, he’s snoring in his chair…he did come in and ask what was wrong with me. Since the girls were standing next to him and I didn’t want to make a scene I said, “nothing important”. I was hoping that he’d manage to stay awake til after I got the girls in bed. I wanted to ask him if he really wanted to consider just ending the marriage since it seems we do nothing but attack each other verbally anymore. But…he’s sleeping. He also wanted me to create something on his laptop, guess that’s not happening either, cause I really don’t feel like waking him up at this point. The peace and quiet is too nice.
I’m going to go surround myself with Photoshop where I’m happy, warm and loved
Thanks for putting up with my emotional volcanos…
:)
Now he’s sober and nasty
Can it get any better? During dinner he was telling my daughter that people get get in their ways and have a hard time when someone comes to visit, it makes them uncomfortable. I said not to say that everyone does that because not everyone is like that. So he says that I’m set in my ways. And that we all always only see our own side to things. Then when I asked what he meant he refused to discuss it. (As an FYI, most of our conversations end with me giving multiple scenarios of why something occurred the way it did or why someone might have made a decision the way they did - much to his displeasure. He enjoys trashing people and judging them without the slightest idea of why they did what he saw them do. He will generally shut up at this point or change the subject. But I go out of my way to try to see all sides to a situation, and this is why a comment about me being set in my ways and not able to change was very hurtful) As for being set in my ways, I try to improve something about me every single day. I learn something, I try to do something differently to see if it works better. For some reason when he said that I was insulted. It really hurt my feelings (and he was sober so I was way off guard). It just really really hurt when he said that. And when I say something to my mom she says it’s me seeing things wrong. I should ignore him or not take him seriously. Why though? Why should I have to ignore someone in my own house? Why shouldn’t I be able to take my husband seriously? Maybe I’m just a complete idiot. Maybe it is all me. I’m the only one who is miserable here, everyone else is out in the pool enjoying themselves. How can someone who is supposed to be your best friend just be so emotionally draining? Why would he say something that he knows is so against what I think I am (and I don’t even know what I am anymore) and then go off all content and making snide comments about me having an attitude all of a sudden? I wish I could just make all this pain go away. I know I screwed up, I don’t think I deserve this, though.
I’m going to go do dishes and laundry and try to calm down before he comes in. It could get ugly though.
Written by me on August 16th, 2006 and reposted from archives.
I’m going to go do dishes and laundry and try to calm down before he comes in. It could get ugly though.
Written by me on August 16th, 2006 and reposted from archives.
I actually got somewhere today and he’s sober!
Today was action packed despite me being drowsy through it all. I did work, I got quite a bit done also. I’m pretty happy with how work went today. I also got some housework done AND I went and trimmed the privacy hedge (the inside part that is in the enclosed backyard - the outside will have to wait til I’ve got a longer extension cord). It must have been 100 degrees or better with 100% humidity and it wasn’t raining…it was all sticking to me. I was pathetic really, but we won’t get into that and gross you out.
Also, my girls actually did clean up what they told their father they would. That was pretty impressive as well. AND the weirdest thing happened. The 5 year old was blamed for tossing dry pasta all over the floor. We didn’t yell at her, we just thought it was her since she had dried pasta in her hand and she’s always doing things like that. In fact, my husband sat with her and calmly explained why she shouldn’t do that (a first for him). And about 10 minutes later, during dinner, the 7 year old pipes up and said it really wasn’t her sisters fault entirely because she really made most of the mess. So..she fessed up when she’d gotten off clean and the 5 year old took the blame knowing that she’d not really done much of it at all. It was incredibly “mature” of them…and it was really really strange to experience. Ok, I know, not a mindblowing deal, but to us, it was pretty neat and I’m proud of them. Although I am a bit concerned about why the 5 year old took the blame without telling us her sister did most of it. I’m not sure if she really didn’t recall if her sister made most of the mess OR if she planned on getting her own form of justice later. She is such a little bruiser disguised as a princess. I guess I’ll take my little proud moments where I get them and be happy.
The other thing is…he’s sober tonight. I’m waiting for it to somehow all go to shit…but in the meantime, I’m gonna just take it as a night off from being annoyed.
And now, I’m going to bed, I’m exhausted.
:)
*yeah, I keep editing this, Wordpress keeps reformatting after I hit ’save’ and it’s killing me to leave it in a big lump of text
Written by me on August 16th, 2006 and reposted from archives
Also, my girls actually did clean up what they told their father they would. That was pretty impressive as well. AND the weirdest thing happened. The 5 year old was blamed for tossing dry pasta all over the floor. We didn’t yell at her, we just thought it was her since she had dried pasta in her hand and she’s always doing things like that. In fact, my husband sat with her and calmly explained why she shouldn’t do that (a first for him). And about 10 minutes later, during dinner, the 7 year old pipes up and said it really wasn’t her sisters fault entirely because she really made most of the mess. So..she fessed up when she’d gotten off clean and the 5 year old took the blame knowing that she’d not really done much of it at all. It was incredibly “mature” of them…and it was really really strange to experience. Ok, I know, not a mindblowing deal, but to us, it was pretty neat and I’m proud of them. Although I am a bit concerned about why the 5 year old took the blame without telling us her sister did most of it. I’m not sure if she really didn’t recall if her sister made most of the mess OR if she planned on getting her own form of justice later. She is such a little bruiser disguised as a princess. I guess I’ll take my little proud moments where I get them and be happy.
The other thing is…he’s sober tonight. I’m waiting for it to somehow all go to shit…but in the meantime, I’m gonna just take it as a night off from being annoyed.
And now, I’m going to bed, I’m exhausted.
:)
*yeah, I keep editing this, Wordpress keeps reformatting after I hit ’save’ and it’s killing me to leave it in a big lump of text
Written by me on August 16th, 2006 and reposted from archives
Tuesday, August 15, 2006
more babble before I work
these blogs are bad for my productivity, but I need the therapy. Really. I just caught up on Meg’s blog, yes, I do still say Yes Ma’am and Yes Sir…and my kids know to say it but I can’t get them to actually speak to strangers so I guess it’ll take a while to see if they’ve actually learned it.
And Enyo’s blog, damn…I thought I was the only one getting the blasts of BS from left field. I get told I’m a horrible housekeeper (I was 15 years ago, but I’m not so bad now) and that I’ve got a problem with waking up on time (yeah, 15 years ago) and an assortment of other crap that hasn’t occurred in ages. Of course, if I were to start picking off every stupid thing he’s done (recently, he’s got a major list starting with losing over $200,000 on a stupid business venture to driving drunk about 5 times a week) then I’d be a nasty bitch. But for him to do it, I guess it’s some sort of right he retains purely because he has a penis.
sorry, had to get that out and now…I’m good
I did teach my 7 year old to sew on the Bratz Sewing Machine her grandmother got her. It’s pretty neat. And she’s in there sewing every scrap of fabric I gave her so I am guessing a trip to the fabric store will be happening soon. I want to go to a big one in Tampa to find some fabric to do the couch with. They supposedly have some cheap upholstery fabric (like $6 a yard or less). I’d love to go just check it out if nothing else.
I am really going to work now. Really. I swear!! LOL
:)
Written by me on August 15th, 2006 and reposted from archives
And Enyo’s blog, damn…I thought I was the only one getting the blasts of BS from left field. I get told I’m a horrible housekeeper (I was 15 years ago, but I’m not so bad now) and that I’ve got a problem with waking up on time (yeah, 15 years ago) and an assortment of other crap that hasn’t occurred in ages. Of course, if I were to start picking off every stupid thing he’s done (recently, he’s got a major list starting with losing over $200,000 on a stupid business venture to driving drunk about 5 times a week) then I’d be a nasty bitch. But for him to do it, I guess it’s some sort of right he retains purely because he has a penis.
sorry, had to get that out and now…I’m good
I did teach my 7 year old to sew on the Bratz Sewing Machine her grandmother got her. It’s pretty neat. And she’s in there sewing every scrap of fabric I gave her so I am guessing a trip to the fabric store will be happening soon. I want to go to a big one in Tampa to find some fabric to do the couch with. They supposedly have some cheap upholstery fabric (like $6 a yard or less). I’d love to go just check it out if nothing else.
I am really going to work now. Really. I swear!! LOL
:)
Written by me on August 15th, 2006 and reposted from archives
Claritan and drunks in good moods
First I have to ponder…what is with the good mood after a night of excessive drinking. It happens all the time lately and I’m just wondering if he’s trying to make me nuts, paranoid, or if he really does just feel that much better since he had the priveledge of taking a vacation to whatever planet he goes to when he’s drunk. AND! My 5 year old declared that she had drunk her whole juice last night at bed time. The 7 year old says, “It’s “I drank my whole juice.” and besides, drunk doesn’t have anything to do with juice. And it’s a bad thing, just ask mom”. So, how do I take that? Has my little munchkin been overhearing me (I used to try to keep it out of earshot, but when you get totally fed up you tend to stop being so careful and now I can’t remember if I really try to hide it anymore) or has she figured out that dad is a complete idiot only around the same time that mom is pissed off and avoiding him and she’s put two and two together? He actually had her pouring his scotch for her and thought i was completely out of line for getting mad. She’s very intellegent and is quite capable of figuring things out on her own. But she’s also “Daddy’s little girl” and allows him to make her feel bad a lot of times. Always when he’s drunk. When he’s sober he’s much more capable of reasoning with her. She must see the difference. The other one wants nothing to do with him when he’s been drinking, which makes him pester her more. She’s 5 and already has no respect for him. Which isn’t something I can fix since I’ve not got any respect for him anymore either. I can’t say “respect the man, he’s your father”, when I have no respect for mine and don’t even speak to him.
On another related note: He’s decided he wants to change his lifestyle. He says he’s going to start on Sept. 1 (why wait???) and stop drinking and stop midnight snacks, and exercise daily. We will see where this gets to. I don’t have much faith anymore though. I think it’s yet another attempt to get me to stop thinking of divorce. I’m pretty sure he has an alarm that goes off in his head that forces him to do something drastic and marriage saving when I’ve gotten to the end of my rope. He is getting better little by little. But I’m really not sure I’m interesting in waiting another 20 years to have an emotionally stable relationship. I would like to enjoy life while I can still see/walk/have a rational thought.
Ok, back to Claritan. Yes, I’m allergic to the state of Florida. I have been for at least 20 years. Why do I keep migrating back here? Who knows? I don’t remember being allergic as a kid. And it seems that I’m more allergic to the southern part of the state than the northern part. I go to Ft. Lauderdale and I’m positively dying (which might be why my dear husband has recently been telling me how he’d like to move there) but visiting grandma in Jacksonville brings on only mild allergies. I am not so sure about the Keys. I seem to be fine down there. Too bad you can’t have a big horse farm there. Although, I could deal with diving every single day. As long as I have high speed internet I can live anywhere.
Which brings me to my next thought. I’ve always wanted to live in Montana or someplace equally barren. But, I think I’m very glad, right now, that we didn’t go that way when we left NJ. If I were stuck with drunk-boy here, on a mountain top, with no internet or friends…I’d have lost my marbles a long time ago. So I guess of the two choices, Florida was the best. At least there are people here. Very few that I actually hang out with, but there ARE people. And I learned about homeschooling. I thought that was just for ultra-religious people who were completely out of touch with reality back when we were in NJ. And maybe I’ve become out of touch with reality but, I’m totally digging this. Today the playroom/schoolroom is done, so I can set up my daughters sewing machine for them and let them go nuts (she is pestering me to put it up, and she taught herself to sew - with some help from grandma). Tomorrow I’ll put their schoolbooks in there and maybe we can start doing full school again (which is a whopping 2 hours a day - did you ever consider how much time you actually wasted while at school? Bus, between class, getting stuff out, putting stuff away…when did you actually learn anything? 10-20 minutes a class?) And somehow, I think that I’ll still find them doing schoolwork, randomly throughout the day, in the dining room, living room, etc. Theyactually LIKE to learn and just go do it for fun, on their own. It’s a beautiful thing
After two days of entertaining guests, I suppose I really ought to get a blast of work done as well. I have to set up my own personal work blog to keep my own projects in order. I started that with a client and it works wonderfully.
My office is crammed full of furniture now too…I really should consider fixing it up in here. I wanted to paint in here, my friend and I had an awesome burnt red picked out, but it’s too much for the whole room…so we’re thinking of what other color to put on other walls. I’d love to paint a mural, but i just don’t have time for that. It would be relaxing to have a big field with horses grazing in it on one wall. Maybe another house. For now…I’m off to work.
Written by me on August 15th, 2006 and reposted from archives
On another related note: He’s decided he wants to change his lifestyle. He says he’s going to start on Sept. 1 (why wait???) and stop drinking and stop midnight snacks, and exercise daily. We will see where this gets to. I don’t have much faith anymore though. I think it’s yet another attempt to get me to stop thinking of divorce. I’m pretty sure he has an alarm that goes off in his head that forces him to do something drastic and marriage saving when I’ve gotten to the end of my rope. He is getting better little by little. But I’m really not sure I’m interesting in waiting another 20 years to have an emotionally stable relationship. I would like to enjoy life while I can still see/walk/have a rational thought.
Ok, back to Claritan. Yes, I’m allergic to the state of Florida. I have been for at least 20 years. Why do I keep migrating back here? Who knows? I don’t remember being allergic as a kid. And it seems that I’m more allergic to the southern part of the state than the northern part. I go to Ft. Lauderdale and I’m positively dying (which might be why my dear husband has recently been telling me how he’d like to move there) but visiting grandma in Jacksonville brings on only mild allergies. I am not so sure about the Keys. I seem to be fine down there. Too bad you can’t have a big horse farm there. Although, I could deal with diving every single day. As long as I have high speed internet I can live anywhere.
Which brings me to my next thought. I’ve always wanted to live in Montana or someplace equally barren. But, I think I’m very glad, right now, that we didn’t go that way when we left NJ. If I were stuck with drunk-boy here, on a mountain top, with no internet or friends…I’d have lost my marbles a long time ago. So I guess of the two choices, Florida was the best. At least there are people here. Very few that I actually hang out with, but there ARE people. And I learned about homeschooling. I thought that was just for ultra-religious people who were completely out of touch with reality back when we were in NJ. And maybe I’ve become out of touch with reality but, I’m totally digging this. Today the playroom/schoolroom is done, so I can set up my daughters sewing machine for them and let them go nuts (she is pestering me to put it up, and she taught herself to sew - with some help from grandma). Tomorrow I’ll put their schoolbooks in there and maybe we can start doing full school again (which is a whopping 2 hours a day - did you ever consider how much time you actually wasted while at school? Bus, between class, getting stuff out, putting stuff away…when did you actually learn anything? 10-20 minutes a class?) And somehow, I think that I’ll still find them doing schoolwork, randomly throughout the day, in the dining room, living room, etc. Theyactually LIKE to learn and just go do it for fun, on their own. It’s a beautiful thing
After two days of entertaining guests, I suppose I really ought to get a blast of work done as well. I have to set up my own personal work blog to keep my own projects in order. I started that with a client and it works wonderfully.
My office is crammed full of furniture now too…I really should consider fixing it up in here. I wanted to paint in here, my friend and I had an awesome burnt red picked out, but it’s too much for the whole room…so we’re thinking of what other color to put on other walls. I’d love to paint a mural, but i just don’t have time for that. It would be relaxing to have a big field with horses grazing in it on one wall. Maybe another house. For now…I’m off to work.
Written by me on August 15th, 2006 and reposted from archives
Monday, August 14, 2006
Moving furniture and entertaining guests
We had guests come over today so I took the opportunity to push and finish making my sons room into a playroom/schoolroom as well as cleaning the whole house. I think I get too ambitious for my own good. I had to move a Castro Convertible Couch (the kind with the sofa bed inside) by myself because my repeated requests for help went unanswered. I finally could wait no longer and did it myself. I moved it from the bedroom to my office. I think I pulled a muscle in my arm in the process. I took Advil, we’ll see how bad it is in the morning.
So, we had friends over for dinner while they are visiting from New Jersey. And again, I’m embarrassed because he was slurring his words and generally acting like a drunk by the time we had coffee. It makes me feel like such an idiot when we have people over. They look like they half feel sorry for me and half just want to back slowly out the door and run to their cars.
Now that I have somewhere to put my thoughts, I sort of go over theories and ideas in my head all day. The problem is, by the time I get in here to write them down…I can’t remember what they were. It’s most annoying
I think I’m gonna try to go to bed and get to sleep before the freight train gets out of “his chair” and comes in there to snore at full volume in my ear. Maybe I’ll even try to read a little.
Peace and happiness and all that
‘nite
Written by me on August 14th, 2006 and reposted from archives on October 14, 2011
So, we had friends over for dinner while they are visiting from New Jersey. And again, I’m embarrassed because he was slurring his words and generally acting like a drunk by the time we had coffee. It makes me feel like such an idiot when we have people over. They look like they half feel sorry for me and half just want to back slowly out the door and run to their cars.
Now that I have somewhere to put my thoughts, I sort of go over theories and ideas in my head all day. The problem is, by the time I get in here to write them down…I can’t remember what they were. It’s most annoying
I think I’m gonna try to go to bed and get to sleep before the freight train gets out of “his chair” and comes in there to snore at full volume in my ear. Maybe I’ll even try to read a little.
Peace and happiness and all that
‘nite
Written by me on August 14th, 2006 and reposted from archives on October 14, 2011
Sunday, August 13, 2006
Somehow my husband pushed the separation between us even further apart today
Amazing, huh? As if being drunk 90% of the time he’s home and making really bad decisions that cost us almost everything we had weren’t enough…he’s started to separate us by gender in his comments. As in, I have to go do “woman” things and he just can’t stand to deal with them, and he is doing “man” things and wouldn’t expect me to tolerate them. Who the hell is this person? I feel like I’m in the twilight zone sometimes.
I think he is pushing my buttons to make me do the dirty job of saying, “Get out, I’ve had enough” so he won’t have to bear that burdon throughout the remainder of his lonely, miserable life.
The person I married knows that I feel very strongly about us being equal, about both of us doing equal work and being each others support and reason for fighting our way through the daily crap that we endure. But to continue on this path that he’s gone down where he acts like we are in a 1960’s sitcom…like he’s the major breadwinner and that allows him the right to all attention when he’s home, the right to be an asshole when he wants, the right to make me put up with the family BS so he won’t have to deal with it…is so against what we started with that I wonder if he’s not doing it on purpose. When we were dating, I had gone against the union in our restaurant, I was working with the state to fight back against them harrassing and extorting the staff where I worked. So why now, does he make comments when I decide to make a difference where I see a wrong that can be fixed? What? After 15 years, suddenly he’s noticed that I’m an activist at heart? The person he says he loved when we were dating is the very type of person he despises now.
Do people really change that much? I know I started to change when he started making me feel like shit for being me. But did I change that much? And when I realized what was going on and stopped it…was I just noticing his negative reactions or had they gotten that much worse when I stopped reacting as he wanted me to? Or is it just me? I mean, if other people go through this…where are they? Why do I feel so incredibly alone? Sometimes I don’t even know who I am. Am I who I really am? Am I who he wants me to be? Am I trying to be a good wife and sacrificing what is truly important…my soul? Am I teaching my daughters that their own souls aren’t worth as much as a man’s opinion? Am I just a bitter and twisted women who has no other outlet but a blog and eat frozen chocolate chip cookie dough?
Too many questions, not enough cookie dough. I’m tired, I’m drained and I’m out of dough. I’m going to bed.
Peace
Written by me on August 13th, 2006 and reposted by me October 14, 2011
I think he is pushing my buttons to make me do the dirty job of saying, “Get out, I’ve had enough” so he won’t have to bear that burdon throughout the remainder of his lonely, miserable life.
The person I married knows that I feel very strongly about us being equal, about both of us doing equal work and being each others support and reason for fighting our way through the daily crap that we endure. But to continue on this path that he’s gone down where he acts like we are in a 1960’s sitcom…like he’s the major breadwinner and that allows him the right to all attention when he’s home, the right to be an asshole when he wants, the right to make me put up with the family BS so he won’t have to deal with it…is so against what we started with that I wonder if he’s not doing it on purpose. When we were dating, I had gone against the union in our restaurant, I was working with the state to fight back against them harrassing and extorting the staff where I worked. So why now, does he make comments when I decide to make a difference where I see a wrong that can be fixed? What? After 15 years, suddenly he’s noticed that I’m an activist at heart? The person he says he loved when we were dating is the very type of person he despises now.
Do people really change that much? I know I started to change when he started making me feel like shit for being me. But did I change that much? And when I realized what was going on and stopped it…was I just noticing his negative reactions or had they gotten that much worse when I stopped reacting as he wanted me to? Or is it just me? I mean, if other people go through this…where are they? Why do I feel so incredibly alone? Sometimes I don’t even know who I am. Am I who I really am? Am I who he wants me to be? Am I trying to be a good wife and sacrificing what is truly important…my soul? Am I teaching my daughters that their own souls aren’t worth as much as a man’s opinion? Am I just a bitter and twisted women who has no other outlet but a blog and eat frozen chocolate chip cookie dough?
Too many questions, not enough cookie dough. I’m tired, I’m drained and I’m out of dough. I’m going to bed.
Peace
Written by me on August 13th, 2006 and reposted by me October 14, 2011
Saturday, August 12, 2006
Aren’t dreams supposed to be obscure and confusing?
I woke up this morning (reluctantly) after hanging out all night in what I would call a Gulf-Area bar…not sure of the location but if you’ve been to a small town on the Gulf of Mexico…almost like New Orleans with shops and people but not nearly as busy…with water, homemade boats next to shrimp boats next to a few newer decent sized boats…where walking up the street is to be flowing in the drama of the city, not merely passing shops and empty lots. These towns have character. They have history. Anyway, I was in a town like this. It started with some bizarre need to pull a broken down boat using a really big chain pulled by someone walking down the waterfront street, and me explaining the laws of physics to the clueless dolt requesting the pulling be done. I think that bit of dream moved on to me walking off and in to what seemed to be a bar I’d never been in, but was totally comfortable all the same. And while there was a mysterious stranger who was beyond (way beyond) normal, who remained concealed but kept running off when they saw me and the bar keep as well as patrons all knew they were out there, as they alerted me to them when they peeked in the window. And the alerting was more of a nudge or a nod, nothing intended to scare said person away. Actually, this person was in the bar when i came in and sat down next to them, and was someone I didn’t recognize so it really made no impact on the dream, aside from the constant popping up. What was really the most interesting was…the bar was filled with bands I’d met, been around, never met but would have been quite comfortable hanging out with, etc. As they were mostly rock and roll and southern rock type bands, the bar suited them all just fine and they seemed to be regulars. Anyway, as I’m there, just hanging out…chatting with various people I can’t quite remember, I do remember big plans being made. Big. The primary organizer appeared to have been an extremely famous singer (not who’d I’d think of to dream about, but appropriate anyway) and he kept referring to me to make sure I could make it to this big event because I was a very important part of it. The rest of the patrons would echo this sentiment as I saw them, which made the dream so incredibly pleasant. I really did not want to wake up this morning. I’m guessing this complete and absolute warm fuzzy content and pleased with myself feeling is what it might have felt like if my father had ever actually approved of something I had done…and I’m guessing the dream was triggered by my ranting about it here. So, I’m just adding on to the rant but to let you know that perhaps my clearing the air here has allowed me to actually allow myself to feel something I have never really felt before. Acceptance.
Now, I have friends who are above and beyond the typical description of friends. I have people who I’ve not even met, who I care about and am very interested in their well being. I have friends I’ve met once or twice and who I look forward to reading about their lives, as well as their comments on my own. And while I have these friends…I never felt worthy of them. I can’t explain the feeling exactly and don’t care to try. I think now though, I might have really knocked down a huge wall that didn’t allow feelings to go back and forth for fear that the disapproval was on it’s way.
So, I’m half awake and just came in here to write this down before I forgot. It could be incoherent babble…but who cares? It’s my blog, I can babble if I want to! LOL
I’m going to go eat a bagel and have some coffee now. See you all later today!
:)
Now, I have friends who are above and beyond the typical description of friends. I have people who I’ve not even met, who I care about and am very interested in their well being. I have friends I’ve met once or twice and who I look forward to reading about their lives, as well as their comments on my own. And while I have these friends…I never felt worthy of them. I can’t explain the feeling exactly and don’t care to try. I think now though, I might have really knocked down a huge wall that didn’t allow feelings to go back and forth for fear that the disapproval was on it’s way.
So, I’m half awake and just came in here to write this down before I forgot. It could be incoherent babble…but who cares? It’s my blog, I can babble if I want to! LOL
I’m going to go eat a bagel and have some coffee now. See you all later today!
:)
Do all drunk people repeat themselves or am I just lucky?
I swear my blood pressure goes off the chart when he has asked me 6+ times if I got something for the kids to eat. I’m cooking it. It’s half on the table. It’s in front of his face. Did I do this? Yes 10 times. Did I do that? Yes 15 times. Thank God he fell asleep before I got done reading the girls a bedtime story. If I had to put up with any more of it…I believe I might just explode.
My son finds this equally annoying. It could be why he just moved 1200 miles away. I would move 1200 miles away if I could also. But my son has honestly been trying to get me to get a divorce for years. And mostly it’s after my husband has gotten to the repeat stage that he tells me I should just leave or run or something. Maybe I’m just stupid. But mostly it’s the fact that I can’t stand not having a plan.
Planning is super important. I’ve been told for my whole life that I suck at planning, or given the impression that because I’m a female I can’t plan. These same people who make fun of my planning skills have also expected me to know where everything is, how it works, how to fix it and how it was invented/created/manufactured. And I should know all this because, “I’m the mom.” Well. Aren’t mom’s female? How the hell can we be the keeper of multiple people and their clothes, books, toys, hobby items, food, friends lost items, vehicles maintenance schedules, etc…and not be able to plan?? I’ve only just realized (remember, I must be stupid) that I am able to organize, schedule and plan. I found out when I told my hubby , “NO. I will not stop what I’m doing to do this for you. I’ll get to it when I finish.” Now, that started a chain reaction that was beyond my own expectations. Once I realized that I could say no…I did. Often.
Imagine this…you are at work and your boss drops in and says, “I need ______ “. So you say, “Is this a priority? I’m in the middle of ______. But if it’s vital I can stop this and work on what you just gave me.” Now that is normal communication. In my world, hubby says, “I need _______” and I drop what I’m doing so I don’t have to listen to him whine or pout because “I don’t love him because I didn’t stop what I was doing” and do what he needed right away. That’s not communication. That’s being a spoiled whiney brat.
I’m almost done putting up with this. I think I can’t believe half the stuff that goes on so I just file it in some black hole in my memory. Then when it happens again…I vaguely remember this…like deja vu. But eventually, the memories linger longer and longer and you start to realize there is a pattern. A pattern that you missed. A pattern that obviously isn’t going anywhere because you keep allowing it to happen. I’m thinking that by writing this shit down for the world to see…I’ll be too embarrassed to NOT do anything.
But who knows? Certainly not I.
I’m going to get some work done. I have a bunch of templates to make tonight to work with a script. I am actually looking forward to it. I enjoy my job.
Peace to all
Written by me on August 12th, 2006 and reposted from archives on October 14, 2011
My son finds this equally annoying. It could be why he just moved 1200 miles away. I would move 1200 miles away if I could also. But my son has honestly been trying to get me to get a divorce for years. And mostly it’s after my husband has gotten to the repeat stage that he tells me I should just leave or run or something. Maybe I’m just stupid. But mostly it’s the fact that I can’t stand not having a plan.
Planning is super important. I’ve been told for my whole life that I suck at planning, or given the impression that because I’m a female I can’t plan. These same people who make fun of my planning skills have also expected me to know where everything is, how it works, how to fix it and how it was invented/created/manufactured. And I should know all this because, “I’m the mom.” Well. Aren’t mom’s female? How the hell can we be the keeper of multiple people and their clothes, books, toys, hobby items, food, friends lost items, vehicles maintenance schedules, etc…and not be able to plan?? I’ve only just realized (remember, I must be stupid) that I am able to organize, schedule and plan. I found out when I told my hubby , “NO. I will not stop what I’m doing to do this for you. I’ll get to it when I finish.” Now, that started a chain reaction that was beyond my own expectations. Once I realized that I could say no…I did. Often.
Imagine this…you are at work and your boss drops in and says, “I need ______ “. So you say, “Is this a priority? I’m in the middle of ______. But if it’s vital I can stop this and work on what you just gave me.” Now that is normal communication. In my world, hubby says, “I need _______” and I drop what I’m doing so I don’t have to listen to him whine or pout because “I don’t love him because I didn’t stop what I was doing” and do what he needed right away. That’s not communication. That’s being a spoiled whiney brat.
I’m almost done putting up with this. I think I can’t believe half the stuff that goes on so I just file it in some black hole in my memory. Then when it happens again…I vaguely remember this…like deja vu. But eventually, the memories linger longer and longer and you start to realize there is a pattern. A pattern that you missed. A pattern that obviously isn’t going anywhere because you keep allowing it to happen. I’m thinking that by writing this shit down for the world to see…I’ll be too embarrassed to NOT do anything.
But who knows? Certainly not I.
I’m going to get some work done. I have a bunch of templates to make tonight to work with a script. I am actually looking forward to it. I enjoy my job.
Peace to all
Written by me on August 12th, 2006 and reposted from archives on October 14, 2011
There has to be something to smudging a house
I smudged the house yesterday (much to the dismay of my daughters) and it’s amazing how different things get. I originally thought it must be me, I changed my attitude because I knew I smudged the house. But there are things that are beyond my control happening. At least I think they are beyond my control. I do need to find more sage, mom brought some over but I think I used the last yesterday. I have a smudge stick but it seems odd to burn it that way, I’ve always used my big shell and a feather to go around the house blowing the smoke around. I’ll have to see how well this works. Everyone is going swimming today, I may stay in to work for a while and burn the big smudge stick while they are outside. I just know that hubby has majorly sensitive nostrils…he will be making faces at me all night cause that smell lingers for quite a while. Oh well, we shall see, I guess.
I have loads of work, both in my office and in the house, to do today. I’m getting tired just thinking of it all. I guess I should just go get it done and over with.
Peace
Written by me on August 12th, 2006 and reposted October 14, 2011
I have loads of work, both in my office and in the house, to do today. I’m getting tired just thinking of it all. I guess I should just go get it done and over with.
Peace
Written by me on August 12th, 2006 and reposted October 14, 2011
Friday, August 11, 2006
Why is it…
that I spend all night being annoyed and thinking about all the possible consequences of his actions, etc, etc, and he wakes up in a good mood and acts like we’d had a wonderful evening together last night? It’s infuriating. I had some other thoughts as I was getting dressed this morning, but now I can’t remember what they are. Oh well, if they were so important, I’m sure I’ll think of them again.
I had a plan for the day as I was going to sleep. It involved getting up, having coffee, feeding kids and jumping in the pool for an hour for some exercise. Then I was going to come inside, finish cleaning out my son’s room (what a pigsty!) and trying to get the whole kids room/playroom area under control. With the prospect of having a new room to put toys/school stuff in I hadn’t gone nuts in the girls room lately. And it’s hurting. I also need to do at least 3 hours of work on my clients sites. I have to get my weekly menu sorted out and a grocery list made. Yeah, I started a menu for the week and it works out very well. No more having hubby call on his way home to change my plans at the last second. Of course, that is my own fault for letting that happen for so long. But I think I’ve fixed it with the menu. It’s posted on the fridge, everyone knows what we are eating. We have everything to make the next meal and there is no room for debate.
I have wasted so much of my life being redirected by someone who isn’t even part of our home life, someone who walks in and demands that everyone drop everything and come to him like he’s some sort of magnetic force and must be migrated to, immediately. He has the ability to create a 360 degree turn in my attitude, in our plans, in everything just by walking in the room. Why do I do that? It must be me allowing life to be disrupted by one individual. I’m reinforcing his “I’m the king of the castle” attitude by getting so emotional over it. He knows my opinion, don’t think I’ve not told him that he can’t just walk in and expect everyone to drop everything, no matter what they are doing, and rush to him with cries of joy at his arrival. Don’t get me wrong, when he comes home he is greeted, most times by 2 little girls rushing through the house screaming “DADDDDDDYYYYYYY!!!”. But if I have a project I’m finishing or a client I’m talking to…I’m not going to drop everything and rush out to greet him at the door. I try to be polite and I try to make him feel like we are happy he’s home, but that is going too far to get mad that I don’t tell my clients, “Hold on, his majesty is home, I need to grab my apron and rush to the front door with his pipe and slippers!”. He’s delusional. This is also a new trait of his, he didn’t act like this before the whole bad partner business happened. I do wonder if he didn’t switch over to autopilot and is just running on the programming he received as a child, watching how his own parents reacted to life. Now that we live near them I see his father treating him like an idiot, no matter what he does to try to please him or impress him. He tries very hard to get some sort of approval, ANY kind of approval from his father but his father is a cold, miserable, hateful, nasty person. Despite my husbands repeated comments on how great his parents are and how great they raised him, I think they are both bad parents. How well you raised your child has more to do with how well balanced they are. Not with how much money you had to provide for them while they were growing up. Are you a father who works 18 hours a day and then spends any time off in a chair watching the news and every minute at home intoxicated? Are you communicating with your kids and not just telling them, “Because I said so”? Are you a mother who tolerates your spouse being emotionally abusive to you and your children? (and yeah, I’m guilty here) These are the things to consider when evaluating whether someone is a good parent. And yes, there are other factors to throw into the equation, but mostly to make ourselves feel justified for what we do. There are some very legitimate reasons for not taking action, like not divorcing someone because of your immigration status and you need to plan and work out the details before you tell the bastard to get out. But for me, (notice how this went from bitching about his parents to me?) every reason I can tell myself is nothing but an excuse. “I need to plan” is I’m too afraid to just stand up to him and see what happens. “I can’t afford to live on my own” is BS, I’m talented enough to make money if I’d just focus on what is really important and stop festering over my miserable life. “My kids would be traumatized” is worthless because aren’t they, at some point, going to need therapy if I let this keep up? And the thought of one of my daughters going through this hell is just too much to bear. And who would be to blame? Me, for not teaching them that this is NOT acceptable behaviour and it’s not acceptable to treat anyone, adult or child, this way.
Ok, enough of that. I’m gonna get started with my day now, I’m sure I’ll be back. This is proving to be a most wondeful form of therapy and I wish I had thought of it much earlier.
Hope everyone has a great day!!
Peace
* Written by me on August 11th, 2006 and revived from archives on October 13, 2011
I had a plan for the day as I was going to sleep. It involved getting up, having coffee, feeding kids and jumping in the pool for an hour for some exercise. Then I was going to come inside, finish cleaning out my son’s room (what a pigsty!) and trying to get the whole kids room/playroom area under control. With the prospect of having a new room to put toys/school stuff in I hadn’t gone nuts in the girls room lately. And it’s hurting. I also need to do at least 3 hours of work on my clients sites. I have to get my weekly menu sorted out and a grocery list made. Yeah, I started a menu for the week and it works out very well. No more having hubby call on his way home to change my plans at the last second. Of course, that is my own fault for letting that happen for so long. But I think I’ve fixed it with the menu. It’s posted on the fridge, everyone knows what we are eating. We have everything to make the next meal and there is no room for debate.
I have wasted so much of my life being redirected by someone who isn’t even part of our home life, someone who walks in and demands that everyone drop everything and come to him like he’s some sort of magnetic force and must be migrated to, immediately. He has the ability to create a 360 degree turn in my attitude, in our plans, in everything just by walking in the room. Why do I do that? It must be me allowing life to be disrupted by one individual. I’m reinforcing his “I’m the king of the castle” attitude by getting so emotional over it. He knows my opinion, don’t think I’ve not told him that he can’t just walk in and expect everyone to drop everything, no matter what they are doing, and rush to him with cries of joy at his arrival. Don’t get me wrong, when he comes home he is greeted, most times by 2 little girls rushing through the house screaming “DADDDDDDYYYYYYY!!!”. But if I have a project I’m finishing or a client I’m talking to…I’m not going to drop everything and rush out to greet him at the door. I try to be polite and I try to make him feel like we are happy he’s home, but that is going too far to get mad that I don’t tell my clients, “Hold on, his majesty is home, I need to grab my apron and rush to the front door with his pipe and slippers!”. He’s delusional. This is also a new trait of his, he didn’t act like this before the whole bad partner business happened. I do wonder if he didn’t switch over to autopilot and is just running on the programming he received as a child, watching how his own parents reacted to life. Now that we live near them I see his father treating him like an idiot, no matter what he does to try to please him or impress him. He tries very hard to get some sort of approval, ANY kind of approval from his father but his father is a cold, miserable, hateful, nasty person. Despite my husbands repeated comments on how great his parents are and how great they raised him, I think they are both bad parents. How well you raised your child has more to do with how well balanced they are. Not with how much money you had to provide for them while they were growing up. Are you a father who works 18 hours a day and then spends any time off in a chair watching the news and every minute at home intoxicated? Are you communicating with your kids and not just telling them, “Because I said so”? Are you a mother who tolerates your spouse being emotionally abusive to you and your children? (and yeah, I’m guilty here) These are the things to consider when evaluating whether someone is a good parent. And yes, there are other factors to throw into the equation, but mostly to make ourselves feel justified for what we do. There are some very legitimate reasons for not taking action, like not divorcing someone because of your immigration status and you need to plan and work out the details before you tell the bastard to get out. But for me, (notice how this went from bitching about his parents to me?) every reason I can tell myself is nothing but an excuse. “I need to plan” is I’m too afraid to just stand up to him and see what happens. “I can’t afford to live on my own” is BS, I’m talented enough to make money if I’d just focus on what is really important and stop festering over my miserable life. “My kids would be traumatized” is worthless because aren’t they, at some point, going to need therapy if I let this keep up? And the thought of one of my daughters going through this hell is just too much to bear. And who would be to blame? Me, for not teaching them that this is NOT acceptable behaviour and it’s not acceptable to treat anyone, adult or child, this way.
Ok, enough of that. I’m gonna get started with my day now, I’m sure I’ll be back. This is proving to be a most wondeful form of therapy and I wish I had thought of it much earlier.
Hope everyone has a great day!!
Peace
* Written by me on August 11th, 2006 and revived from archives on October 13, 2011
and here we go...
this is the real reason for this blog. He’s drunk again. I swear it takes less and less alchohol for him to get stupid with these days. He appeared sober when he got home from work, but I just can’t tell sometimes. He works so hard to hide it. Then it just gets to much and he starts slurring words, falling over, passing out. It’s disgusting and I swear I’m gonna blow a gasket one of these times.
If I say something to him, he turns it around and makes me feel like it’s my fault for bitching about it. If I say something about him not being responsible around the kids because he’s been drinking, then he acts as if I just stabbed him in the heart for suggesting that he doesn’t love his kids. We’ve talked about his problem when he was sober, we’ve had wars about his drinking when he’s been drinking. No amount of talking works. I honestly am afraid to make a decision to do the obviously needed thing.
I don’t want to divorce him. I just want my husband back. He was fine until we moved here. Well, not really, he wasn’t fine. (prepare for serious bitterness here) He was fine til his business partner and his slut girlfriend schemed to steal the business that my husband had worked so hard to build while his partner was busy screwing his slut girlfriend while his wife lay dying of cancer in the hospital. And then this loser told her he wanted a divorce because he’d found someone else when she came home, she died shortly after that. I can’t really blame her for giving up at that point. And then they decided that they weren’t getting enough of the money that the business was making and they basically kicked my husband out and made us spend every last cent (and then some, kids savings, IRA’s, college funds, etc) on legal fees to find out that the scum bag had put in a clause that allowed him to do just the very thing he did and get away with it. This was someone we trusted with our lives. We loved him and his wife (the one who died, not that skank he is now hitched to) like family. We never saw it coming. But…back to the basic course of what I was saying…the man I married died around that time. He lost all confidence, lost all his mojo, whatever…he quit trying. He got scared. He became the person he swore never to become…his father. A once adventurous, life-loving, happy, exciting, brilliant, successful person is now a miserable, life-hating, venomous human being and it’s almost become too much to bear and to subject our kids to. I was getting sucked into the whole misery thing, but I owe it to my kids to stand up and stop this madness in anyway I can. Even if it only means to keep it away from them.
There is a lot of conflict going on here. Most of it is in people’s heads. He is struggling with his own thoughts. I know he’s stressed. I also know that speaking to him about this is pretty much a waste of time anymore. I’m afraid it will never be resolved and I’m also afraid that I can’t live like this much longer.
I’m working my butt off (wish that were literal) to get an income I can count on so I have something to fall back on when I say “Stop drinking or I want a divorce”. And then, what if stopping drinking doesn’t help? What if he resents me for making him lose his only time he isn’t racking his brain about the problems? And what if I have to actually go through with it??
I think I’m tired and might have vented enough to go to sleep next to him without giving him a swift elbow in the ribs (which he’d not even notice at this point). I’m sure there will be more tomorrow. I’ve got 15 years of bitching to get out.
If I say something to him, he turns it around and makes me feel like it’s my fault for bitching about it. If I say something about him not being responsible around the kids because he’s been drinking, then he acts as if I just stabbed him in the heart for suggesting that he doesn’t love his kids. We’ve talked about his problem when he was sober, we’ve had wars about his drinking when he’s been drinking. No amount of talking works. I honestly am afraid to make a decision to do the obviously needed thing.
I don’t want to divorce him. I just want my husband back. He was fine until we moved here. Well, not really, he wasn’t fine. (prepare for serious bitterness here) He was fine til his business partner and his slut girlfriend schemed to steal the business that my husband had worked so hard to build while his partner was busy screwing his slut girlfriend while his wife lay dying of cancer in the hospital. And then this loser told her he wanted a divorce because he’d found someone else when she came home, she died shortly after that. I can’t really blame her for giving up at that point. And then they decided that they weren’t getting enough of the money that the business was making and they basically kicked my husband out and made us spend every last cent (and then some, kids savings, IRA’s, college funds, etc) on legal fees to find out that the scum bag had put in a clause that allowed him to do just the very thing he did and get away with it. This was someone we trusted with our lives. We loved him and his wife (the one who died, not that skank he is now hitched to) like family. We never saw it coming. But…back to the basic course of what I was saying…the man I married died around that time. He lost all confidence, lost all his mojo, whatever…he quit trying. He got scared. He became the person he swore never to become…his father. A once adventurous, life-loving, happy, exciting, brilliant, successful person is now a miserable, life-hating, venomous human being and it’s almost become too much to bear and to subject our kids to. I was getting sucked into the whole misery thing, but I owe it to my kids to stand up and stop this madness in anyway I can. Even if it only means to keep it away from them.
There is a lot of conflict going on here. Most of it is in people’s heads. He is struggling with his own thoughts. I know he’s stressed. I also know that speaking to him about this is pretty much a waste of time anymore. I’m afraid it will never be resolved and I’m also afraid that I can’t live like this much longer.
I’m working my butt off (wish that were literal) to get an income I can count on so I have something to fall back on when I say “Stop drinking or I want a divorce”. And then, what if stopping drinking doesn’t help? What if he resents me for making him lose his only time he isn’t racking his brain about the problems? And what if I have to actually go through with it??
I think I’m tired and might have vented enough to go to sleep next to him without giving him a swift elbow in the ribs (which he’d not even notice at this point). I’m sure there will be more tomorrow. I’ve got 15 years of bitching to get out.
This is an archived post that was on my old domain and has since been deleted. I will be adding all the old posts here and then resuming with the current status of my life and the adventures it's taken me on. Thanks for visiting...
I just have to say...
I’ve been keeping up with a couple of blogs that have some very
familiar situations going on. I think these women are incredible and
they give me strength to think through what is going on instead of
reacting to the many triggers that are pulled by my husband.
Thank you Meg (Divorcing Rick) and Enyo (This Is My Affair)!!
Keep up the faith and don’t let the bastards get you down! We will all come out on top one day
Thank you Meg (Divorcing Rick) and Enyo (This Is My Affair)!!
Keep up the faith and don’t let the bastards get you down! We will all come out on top one day
Who am I? Why am I here?
You really want to know who I am? I doubt it. But just for the sake of argument, let’s say I’m your neighbor, friend, mother, wife…I choose to remain anonymous because I am venting here and not intending to harm anyone with my rants or comments. I do love my family and my job and who I am, but sometimes I don’t like them all very much. With the exception of my children…them I like no matter what, even when they are making me nuts.
I am a web designer/developer and a webmaster. I am an artist. I am a mom to three kids whom I homeschool. I am a wife to a husband with an alcohol problem as well as other issues we will surely get into.
I am not perfect. I have never been delusional about that. I am overweight, out of shape, emotionally unstable about twice a month, unsure of my own actions, unsure of my talents, unsure of why I am even on this planet. BUT I wake up each morning and try to make the best of things. I try no matter what the obstacles. I try because I love life, no matter how much the depression monster living in my head says I don’t.
This blog is my therapy. I work on the computer. I run blogs and websites and it only makes sense that I pick a medium I understand. I don’t have time for a therapist, and frankly, I’m not real interested in someone else’s opinion. I know that getting the garbage out of my head helps me to see it in a different light. And most times, that is all it takes to get past the hurdle of dealing with what life has chosen to throw in my lap at the moment. If no one ever reads this blog, I’ll live. If it gives just one person out in the great big world the sense that someone out there might be going through something similar…then it is even better.
This is also my own personal corner of the web. It’s not based on my clients needs, desires or deranged sense of what is cool. It has ads on it, yeah, my entrepreneurial side would scream if I didn’t at least try. I do have three kids to feed, you know.
And a dog. And fish. And…and…and…
So there are pages of things I like, things I want to keep track of for future reference or even things I use on a daily basis and I’m tired of searching through endless post-it’s or text files for. Its MY life at full speed, and if you don’t like how I have it set up, you are welcome to go to the next miserable-mom-wife-housewife-bitch blog…if you decide to stick around, you are welcome to comment or just lurk. Keep in mind though, negativity towards my opinions is tolerated, but only if you aren’t nasty about it. I do have the priveledge of being the owner of the blog and can delete your unpleasantries as I see fit.
So, now that we have some groundrules laid out and you know where you are…enjoy, unload, and remember, we are only as alone as we allow ourselves to be. Don’t allow yourself to compromise happiness for what you have been taught is your duty. It’s your life..live it as you would like to and live it so your children know how to live when they grow up.
Peace
I am a web designer/developer and a webmaster. I am an artist. I am a mom to three kids whom I homeschool. I am a wife to a husband with an alcohol problem as well as other issues we will surely get into.
I am not perfect. I have never been delusional about that. I am overweight, out of shape, emotionally unstable about twice a month, unsure of my own actions, unsure of my talents, unsure of why I am even on this planet. BUT I wake up each morning and try to make the best of things. I try no matter what the obstacles. I try because I love life, no matter how much the depression monster living in my head says I don’t.
This blog is my therapy. I work on the computer. I run blogs and websites and it only makes sense that I pick a medium I understand. I don’t have time for a therapist, and frankly, I’m not real interested in someone else’s opinion. I know that getting the garbage out of my head helps me to see it in a different light. And most times, that is all it takes to get past the hurdle of dealing with what life has chosen to throw in my lap at the moment. If no one ever reads this blog, I’ll live. If it gives just one person out in the great big world the sense that someone out there might be going through something similar…then it is even better.
This is also my own personal corner of the web. It’s not based on my clients needs, desires or deranged sense of what is cool. It has ads on it, yeah, my entrepreneurial side would scream if I didn’t at least try. I do have three kids to feed, you know.
And a dog. And fish. And…and…and…So there are pages of things I like, things I want to keep track of for future reference or even things I use on a daily basis and I’m tired of searching through endless post-it’s or text files for. Its MY life at full speed, and if you don’t like how I have it set up, you are welcome to go to the next miserable-mom-wife-housewife-bitch blog…if you decide to stick around, you are welcome to comment or just lurk. Keep in mind though, negativity towards my opinions is tolerated, but only if you aren’t nasty about it. I do have the priveledge of being the owner of the blog and can delete your unpleasantries as I see fit.
So, now that we have some groundrules laid out and you know where you are…enjoy, unload, and remember, we are only as alone as we allow ourselves to be. Don’t allow yourself to compromise happiness for what you have been taught is your duty. It’s your life..live it as you would like to and live it so your children know how to live when they grow up.
Peace
This is an archived post that was on my old domain and has since been deleted. I will be adding all the old posts here and then resuming with the current status of my life and the adventures it's taken me on. Thanks for visiting...
I should go to bed now but I’m gonna try to stick it out a little longer
I finally went in the pool for some exercise. I was relaxing after swimming for 30 minutes straight and along comes a Florida-sized cockroach meandering down my floatie. Ok, you win, you can have the floatie…I was out of the pool and bound for the shower. I did exercise though!
I’m tired, I’m not motivated and I’ve been going since 8:30 this morning. I should at least finish some client graphics so they can get started without me when they wake up. Not that I’m sleeping late, but they are in the UK and I am in the US, there is a bit of a time difference. They’ll probably be getting up as I finally fall asleep.
We have out of town company this weekend. And a birthday party on Sunday. I am hoping to get the house sorted by tomorrow night but that isn’t likely to happen without some sort of help. The girls went to their grandmothers house so I could clean their room and start moving stuff out to the other room and I got nowhere with that. By the time we finished dinner and got them all packed to go, it was later than I expected. I hate when time just flies by, it does that alot in my world.
As for the spouse…well, he tried to hang out tonight. But he was drinking and after a half hour of listening to him talk (purely to make himself think he wasn’t really drunk, in my opinion) I just started going over what I need to do to get that other room finished. (Aside from moving that monstrously huge couch, it should be easy.) It’s too bad that he just doesn’t get that his drinking is killing the little bit of a relationship that we have left. And if I say something, somehow he turns it around and makes it so I’m the one who has done something wrong. Lately I realized that he’s been doing that a long time. He always tells me that I’m the one who does that, so I started paying attention. I don’t do that…it’s him that does it. I think he was trying to throw me off so I don’t pay attention to him doing it.
So, anyway, I’m a blob…I feel like my muscles are all wobbly so I won’t be lasting too much longer. I might go read a book my mom dropped off called, “Psycho-Cybernetics”. Of course, I’ve still not gotten through Dr. Phil’s “Life Strategies” or “Self Matters”. I started those years ago when they first came out. I also started “7 Habits of Highly Effective People” about 6 months ago. That I’ve actually gotten about halfway through. For someone who loves reading I sure don’t do a whole lot of it lately. I do read, but not for my own personal enjoyment or to better myself (unless it’s reading CSS or Photoshop manuals). I’m making a note to sqeeze that into my new and improved schedule.
And on that note, I’ve worn myself out! LOL I hope anyone out there who happens to pass by is having a nice, relaxing evening/morning/afternoon
Written by me on August 11th, 2006 reposted from archives on October 14, 2011
I’m tired, I’m not motivated and I’ve been going since 8:30 this morning. I should at least finish some client graphics so they can get started without me when they wake up. Not that I’m sleeping late, but they are in the UK and I am in the US, there is a bit of a time difference. They’ll probably be getting up as I finally fall asleep.
We have out of town company this weekend. And a birthday party on Sunday. I am hoping to get the house sorted by tomorrow night but that isn’t likely to happen without some sort of help. The girls went to their grandmothers house so I could clean their room and start moving stuff out to the other room and I got nowhere with that. By the time we finished dinner and got them all packed to go, it was later than I expected. I hate when time just flies by, it does that alot in my world.
As for the spouse…well, he tried to hang out tonight. But he was drinking and after a half hour of listening to him talk (purely to make himself think he wasn’t really drunk, in my opinion) I just started going over what I need to do to get that other room finished. (Aside from moving that monstrously huge couch, it should be easy.) It’s too bad that he just doesn’t get that his drinking is killing the little bit of a relationship that we have left. And if I say something, somehow he turns it around and makes it so I’m the one who has done something wrong. Lately I realized that he’s been doing that a long time. He always tells me that I’m the one who does that, so I started paying attention. I don’t do that…it’s him that does it. I think he was trying to throw me off so I don’t pay attention to him doing it.
So, anyway, I’m a blob…I feel like my muscles are all wobbly so I won’t be lasting too much longer. I might go read a book my mom dropped off called, “Psycho-Cybernetics”. Of course, I’ve still not gotten through Dr. Phil’s “Life Strategies” or “Self Matters”. I started those years ago when they first came out. I also started “7 Habits of Highly Effective People” about 6 months ago. That I’ve actually gotten about halfway through. For someone who loves reading I sure don’t do a whole lot of it lately. I do read, but not for my own personal enjoyment or to better myself (unless it’s reading CSS or Photoshop manuals). I’m making a note to sqeeze that into my new and improved schedule.
And on that note, I’ve worn myself out! LOL I hope anyone out there who happens to pass by is having a nice, relaxing evening/morning/afternoon
Written by me on August 11th, 2006 reposted from archives on October 14, 2011
Tuesday, August 08, 2006
Proactive or Reactive?
(it’s funny how, when I’m on the treadmill or doing dishes…my brain is just spewing ideas for blog entries - in the form of serious self discussion, of course. Then…when I get a moment to blog…nothing. I get a blank. I’m starting to think my brain doesn’t want a written record of it’s own therapy sessions.)
I have done a lot of shit in my life that I am definitely not proud of.
There. I said it. Out loud and everything. Ok, that wasn’t such a big deal for you but it was most certainly a big deal for me. I have always had these thoughts that I don’t deserve things to go right because I did things when I was 18, 19, 20, 21, even 22, that I’d never do in a million years now…and honestly, I’m very tired of them.
I think there is some self-sabotage system in me that goes off when a certain comfort level is achieved. When I start doing well, the alarm goes off and the memories start flooding back in. I began to doubt the purpose of these when I realized that all I remember is the bad crap. I wasn’t all bad! I may have been very confused, poorly prepared for being an adult, a stumbling kid…but I did do some good things! Really, I did. I just can’t remember much of anything except the bad shit. Now, the bad stuff takes up a whopping total of 1.5 months of a 4 year period. So…what else did I do? I know I spent a hell of a lot of time working. I had my kid. (that is NOT one of the bad things, just to get that straight.) It just boggles my mind that things that seemed so important at the time, are things I can barely remember.
So, lately I’m really coming to terms with who I am. I’ve discovered lots of things that I had detached myself from. I discovered that I had emotions other than being angry all the time. Now, I’m dealing with a part of me that apparently was comfortable being miserable. And it’s starting to annoy me like a pesky fly.
I am sick of these memories popping into my brain whenever they get a chance. It’s annoying, unproductive and I won’t stand for it any more!
Ok, now that I’ve essentially told myself off…let’s move on to the more encouraging of my eccentricities.
:)
After resolving that last bit with myself over a mile walk and a hot shower…I got dressed and considered WHY I would continue to react to events that occurred almost 20 years ago. Now, I can think that I’m just punishing myself for something that I felt I should never of done. But there is nothing that warrants 20 years of punishment in my past. So, that makes me think that might not be the whole of it. Could there be another reason for doing this? Could I be trying to keep my world in it’s current state to keep from dealing with the unknown of the future? Is fear causing me to react rather than to just act on my own ideas? It’s all very convoluted and difficult to put in a blog, but I’ve been considering just why I do what I do and wondering what could possibly jolt my system. What can I do to break the habit of 20 years of self-emotional-abuse, after dealing with 18 years of parent-induced-emotional-abuse? A lot of my current habits are quite obvious to me, I know I do them. I know why I do them. That’s all well and good…but it doesn’t make the habit go away.
I guess it will just have to be something I pay as much attention to as possible and call myself on when I notice it occurring. I am trying to stop being reactive in many other things so doing this with my own thoughts will hopefully not be so difficult.
Being a slave to fear is a waste of time. But what if we don’t realize that we are reacting to fear? When I react to my husband drinking (and yes, we have still not gotten past that entirely) am I reacting to the drinking itself or the emotions that act creates? Am I reacting to the disrespect I feel it shows OR the fear that I’m going to have to do something that I don’t want to do and therefore I’m just going to go into a tizzy, focus on something other than the real problem and fizzle out by the time he’s in a sober state.
What if, the next time he drinks (as an example), I stop and ask myself “What is the real problem here?” He’s not paying attention to me? He’s acting foolish? Or is the problem that he has so much fear of what he doesn’t understand that he would rather numb himself than deal with it head on? That seems to be more of the issue.
What if, the next time one of my kids is being rude to the other or is just doing everything she has been told not to do…I don’t send her to her room, but stop and ask, “what is the real problem here?” Is she reacting to what her father and I are doing? Is she tired, hungry, scared, or sick?
I think that living a proactive life, where your world reacts to the things you do, as opposed to a reactive life (where you react to the world around you) is so much more productive and healthy. I’ve tried the reactive approach and it’s not healthy. It’s taking a very long time to break the habit, but it is breakable.
As I tell my kids (and they repeat it back to me when I make the mistake of implying the opposite) “Nothing is Impossible”. The possibilities of the future can create a spark that powers the changes needed. I’m sure that I can change the patterns and create new habits that are healthy, that help others, that contribute to society.
If the definition of insanity is “doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result every time” then it’s time to stop the insanity. I’m getting out of the Rat Race…I’m making changes….and I’m achieving my goals.
:)
I have done a lot of shit in my life that I am definitely not proud of.
There. I said it. Out loud and everything. Ok, that wasn’t such a big deal for you but it was most certainly a big deal for me. I have always had these thoughts that I don’t deserve things to go right because I did things when I was 18, 19, 20, 21, even 22, that I’d never do in a million years now…and honestly, I’m very tired of them.
I think there is some self-sabotage system in me that goes off when a certain comfort level is achieved. When I start doing well, the alarm goes off and the memories start flooding back in. I began to doubt the purpose of these when I realized that all I remember is the bad crap. I wasn’t all bad! I may have been very confused, poorly prepared for being an adult, a stumbling kid…but I did do some good things! Really, I did. I just can’t remember much of anything except the bad shit. Now, the bad stuff takes up a whopping total of 1.5 months of a 4 year period. So…what else did I do? I know I spent a hell of a lot of time working. I had my kid. (that is NOT one of the bad things, just to get that straight.) It just boggles my mind that things that seemed so important at the time, are things I can barely remember.
So, lately I’m really coming to terms with who I am. I’ve discovered lots of things that I had detached myself from. I discovered that I had emotions other than being angry all the time. Now, I’m dealing with a part of me that apparently was comfortable being miserable. And it’s starting to annoy me like a pesky fly.
I am sick of these memories popping into my brain whenever they get a chance. It’s annoying, unproductive and I won’t stand for it any more!
Ok, now that I’ve essentially told myself off…let’s move on to the more encouraging of my eccentricities.
:)
After resolving that last bit with myself over a mile walk and a hot shower…I got dressed and considered WHY I would continue to react to events that occurred almost 20 years ago. Now, I can think that I’m just punishing myself for something that I felt I should never of done. But there is nothing that warrants 20 years of punishment in my past. So, that makes me think that might not be the whole of it. Could there be another reason for doing this? Could I be trying to keep my world in it’s current state to keep from dealing with the unknown of the future? Is fear causing me to react rather than to just act on my own ideas? It’s all very convoluted and difficult to put in a blog, but I’ve been considering just why I do what I do and wondering what could possibly jolt my system. What can I do to break the habit of 20 years of self-emotional-abuse, after dealing with 18 years of parent-induced-emotional-abuse? A lot of my current habits are quite obvious to me, I know I do them. I know why I do them. That’s all well and good…but it doesn’t make the habit go away.
I guess it will just have to be something I pay as much attention to as possible and call myself on when I notice it occurring. I am trying to stop being reactive in many other things so doing this with my own thoughts will hopefully not be so difficult.
Being a slave to fear is a waste of time. But what if we don’t realize that we are reacting to fear? When I react to my husband drinking (and yes, we have still not gotten past that entirely) am I reacting to the drinking itself or the emotions that act creates? Am I reacting to the disrespect I feel it shows OR the fear that I’m going to have to do something that I don’t want to do and therefore I’m just going to go into a tizzy, focus on something other than the real problem and fizzle out by the time he’s in a sober state.
What if, the next time he drinks (as an example), I stop and ask myself “What is the real problem here?” He’s not paying attention to me? He’s acting foolish? Or is the problem that he has so much fear of what he doesn’t understand that he would rather numb himself than deal with it head on? That seems to be more of the issue.
What if, the next time one of my kids is being rude to the other or is just doing everything she has been told not to do…I don’t send her to her room, but stop and ask, “what is the real problem here?” Is she reacting to what her father and I are doing? Is she tired, hungry, scared, or sick?
I think that living a proactive life, where your world reacts to the things you do, as opposed to a reactive life (where you react to the world around you) is so much more productive and healthy. I’ve tried the reactive approach and it’s not healthy. It’s taking a very long time to break the habit, but it is breakable.
As I tell my kids (and they repeat it back to me when I make the mistake of implying the opposite) “Nothing is Impossible”. The possibilities of the future can create a spark that powers the changes needed. I’m sure that I can change the patterns and create new habits that are healthy, that help others, that contribute to society.
If the definition of insanity is “doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result every time” then it’s time to stop the insanity. I’m getting out of the Rat Race…I’m making changes….and I’m achieving my goals.
:)
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