Tropical Storm Ernesto isn’t packing quite the punch they expected, but we are still getting wet. Today is the first day of Ballet, for which I have to pay $90 when I get there and I haven’t got it all. I also don’t think I have money for gas. This should be most interesting. I paid his truck yesterday (which is only slightly late) and told them not to put it through til Friday when he gets paid. My van however (which is severely late and in jeopardy of being repossessed) he laughs off and says “better clean out the garage and park it in there”. He’s such an asshole sometimes. I have less than 5 payments left on mine. Nice how it’s not a priority. Especially when the one he drives isn’t going to be repossessed if it’s late.
I’m taking the kids today and my daughter is going to get her ballet lessons no matter what organ I have to sell. It’s not fair to them that their dad has lost all of our money and now is too fucking scared to even breathe, let alone do what he’s good at and make a decent paycheck. It’s not their fault that he continues to make very bad decisions and won’t consult with me (as if I could stop him!) before doing so. And it’s not their fault that we live in an area where I couldn’t make more than minimum wage, even with the skills that I have. And it’s not their fault that their father finds every excuse under the sun to distract me and make me actually lose business while I work at home (and it’s not their fault that I allowed it for so long). This has ended recently when I stopped actually caring what he thought and stopped being afraid of him. But I have a lot of catching up and repairing of my reputation to do. People don’t quickly forget when you are not able to make deadlines and your only excuse is, “I’m not feeling well”. People must think I’m some sickly little person here.
I’m reading the copy of Psycho-cybernetics that mom lent me. I’m up to the point where it is showing how if you focus on the mistakes you’ve made in your life, you let them become your goal. That is what you will work towards and you will just keep making the same mistakes over and over. Boy is that right. I’m watching him make all these mistakes over and over and from an outside point of view it’s just obvious where he’s going wrong. Now…let’s change angles on the camera…where am I making my mistakes? Why am I agreeing to continue down this path of destruction? I can see myself doing it. One week I’m motivated and will be damned if anyone is going to steer me off my goal. The next I’m so physically exhausted from the previous weeks fighting that was necessary just to stay focused that I can’t repeat it. Then I get depressed, because despite my intentions, I’ve allowed him to wear me down again. Then about a week of this will make me sick to even be in the same room with myself. I disgust myself with my weak excuses and need for depression and I get pissed and I start fighting and the cycle begins again.
I need to figure out how to keep him from wearing me down during week one. I need to take a day to rest and read and reinforce the positive attitude I had in week one during week two. And I need to not focus on what I did wrong in week two but use that information to correct my course, and then get rid of it. As this book says, the part of you that gets you to your goal is like a guided missile. It only takes in negative information to use to correct it’s path and then it discards it because it doesn’t matter any more. The problem was fixed, you don’t need it. So, I need to “correct the path” using the negative information? I get through a week of great work, but have been hammered constantly from outside forces (hubby) who thinks I’m neglecting my duties (the only one that is getting neglected is my not waiting on him hand and foot). I start to let it wear on me. It makes me take a nose dive. So, if I were a guided missile. The negative information to be considered would be that by letting him wear me down, I take a nosedive. Like a guided missile that is pelted by excessive rain may be driven down a bit…hmmm…and what would the missile do? It’d fire it’s engine and just push up a bit harder til it was back on course. It might even go up higher so it’s not in the driving rain until it could pass the storm, depending on the level of intelligence this missile might have (and I have no idea if this is possible, we are talking hypothetically here). So now I have to figure out how to push myself back up, or back up and over the storm until the storm is done. OK, that was easy enough to figure out. Now how the hell do I do it?
I’m going to think about this while we are at ballet. I’m sure there is some mental exercise or something I can do to “get above” the emotional assault I’m sure to receive while I’m have a good week. I remember in my choir, I was in the soprano section and sometimes we had some very high notes to hit. My instructor told us that as we were hitting those high notes, we should visualize the color yellow, something like a field of bright yellow flowers… It worked every single time for all of us. The difference that one exercise made was incredible even. So I know it’s possible. I just need to figure out what will work for me.
Oh, hubby just called. He thinks he’s sold the pickup that I put a “for sale” sign on yesterday. Let’s hope. This will pay off my van and I won’t have to worry about it being repossessed anymore. It would be nice to not have to get out of bed whenever I hear a car door shut, for fear that the repo man is sneaking it away in the middle of the night.
Ok, off to ballet. Be back later :)
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