and here we go...

this is the real reason for this blog. He’s drunk again. I swear it takes less and less alchohol for him to get stupid with these days. He appeared sober when he got home from work, but I just can’t tell sometimes. He works so hard to hide it. Then it just gets to much and he starts slurring words, falling over, passing out. It’s disgusting and I swear I’m gonna blow a gasket one of these times.

If I say something to him, he turns it around and makes me feel like it’s my fault for bitching about it. If I say something about him not being responsible around the kids because he’s been drinking, then he acts as if I just stabbed him in the heart for suggesting that he doesn’t love his kids. We’ve talked about his problem when he was sober, we’ve had wars about his drinking when he’s been drinking. No amount of talking works. I honestly am afraid to make a decision to do the obviously needed thing.

I don’t want to divorce him. I just want my husband back. He was fine until we moved here. Well, not really, he wasn’t fine. (prepare for serious bitterness here) He was fine til his business partner and his slut girlfriend schemed to steal the business that my husband had worked so hard to build while his partner was busy screwing his slut girlfriend while his wife lay dying of cancer in the hospital. And then this loser told her he wanted a divorce because he’d found someone else when she came home, she died shortly after that. I can’t really blame her for giving up at that point. And then they decided that they weren’t getting enough of the money that the business was making and they basically kicked my husband out and made us spend every last cent (and then some, kids savings, IRA’s, college funds, etc) on legal fees to find out that the scum bag had put in a clause that allowed him to do just the very thing he did and get away with it. This was someone we trusted with our lives. We loved him and his wife (the one who died, not that skank he is now hitched to) like family. We never saw it coming. But…back to the basic course of what I was saying…the man I married died around that time. He lost all confidence, lost all his mojo, whatever…he quit trying. He got scared. He became the person he swore never to become…his father. A once adventurous, life-loving, happy, exciting, brilliant, successful person is now a miserable, life-hating, venomous human being and it’s almost become too much to bear and to subject our kids to. I was getting sucked into the whole misery thing, but I owe it to my kids to stand up and stop this madness in anyway I can. Even if it only means to keep it away from them.

There is a lot of conflict going on here. Most of it is in people’s heads. He is struggling with his own thoughts. I know he’s stressed. I also know that speaking to him about this is pretty much a waste of time anymore. I’m afraid it will never be resolved and I’m also afraid that I can’t live like this much longer.

I’m working my butt off (wish that were literal) to get an income I can count on so I have something to fall back on when I say “Stop drinking or I want a divorce”. And then, what if stopping drinking doesn’t help? What if he resents me for making him lose his only time he isn’t racking his brain about the problems? And what if I have to actually go through with it??

I think I’m tired and might have vented enough to go to sleep next to him without giving him a swift elbow in the ribs (which he’d not even notice at this point). I’m sure there will be more tomorrow. I’ve got 15 years of bitching to get out.

This is an archived post that was on my old domain and has since been deleted. I will be adding all the old posts here and then resuming with the current status of my life and the adventures it's taken me on. Thanks for visiting...