that I spend all night being annoyed and thinking about all the possible consequences of his actions, etc, etc, and he wakes up in a good mood and acts like we’d had a wonderful evening together last night? It’s infuriating. I had some other thoughts as I was getting dressed this morning, but now I can’t remember what they are. Oh well, if they were so important, I’m sure I’ll think of them again.
I had a plan for the day as I was going to sleep. It involved getting up, having coffee, feeding kids and jumping in the pool for an hour for some exercise. Then I was going to come inside, finish cleaning out my son’s room (what a pigsty!) and trying to get the whole kids room/playroom area under control. With the prospect of having a new room to put toys/school stuff in I hadn’t gone nuts in the girls room lately. And it’s hurting. I also need to do at least 3 hours of work on my clients sites. I have to get my weekly menu sorted out and a grocery list made. Yeah, I started a menu for the week and it works out very well. No more having hubby call on his way home to change my plans at the last second. Of course, that is my own fault for letting that happen for so long. But I think I’ve fixed it with the menu. It’s posted on the fridge, everyone knows what we are eating. We have everything to make the next meal and there is no room for debate.
I have wasted so much of my life being redirected by someone who isn’t even part of our home life, someone who walks in and demands that everyone drop everything and come to him like he’s some sort of magnetic force and must be migrated to, immediately. He has the ability to create a 360 degree turn in my attitude, in our plans, in everything just by walking in the room. Why do I do that? It must be me allowing life to be disrupted by one individual. I’m reinforcing his “I’m the king of the castle” attitude by getting so emotional over it. He knows my opinion, don’t think I’ve not told him that he can’t just walk in and expect everyone to drop everything, no matter what they are doing, and rush to him with cries of joy at his arrival. Don’t get me wrong, when he comes home he is greeted, most times by 2 little girls rushing through the house screaming “DADDDDDDYYYYYYY!!!”. But if I have a project I’m finishing or a client I’m talking to…I’m not going to drop everything and rush out to greet him at the door. I try to be polite and I try to make him feel like we are happy he’s home, but that is going too far to get mad that I don’t tell my clients, “Hold on, his majesty is home, I need to grab my apron and rush to the front door with his pipe and slippers!”. He’s delusional. This is also a new trait of his, he didn’t act like this before the whole bad partner business happened. I do wonder if he didn’t switch over to autopilot and is just running on the programming he received as a child, watching how his own parents reacted to life. Now that we live near them I see his father treating him like an idiot, no matter what he does to try to please him or impress him. He tries very hard to get some sort of approval, ANY kind of approval from his father but his father is a cold, miserable, hateful, nasty person. Despite my husbands repeated comments on how great his parents are and how great they raised him, I think they are both bad parents. How well you raised your child has more to do with how well balanced they are. Not with how much money you had to provide for them while they were growing up. Are you a father who works 18 hours a day and then spends any time off in a chair watching the news and every minute at home intoxicated? Are you communicating with your kids and not just telling them, “Because I said so”? Are you a mother who tolerates your spouse being emotionally abusive to you and your children? (and yeah, I’m guilty here) These are the things to consider when evaluating whether someone is a good parent. And yes, there are other factors to throw into the equation, but mostly to make ourselves feel justified for what we do. There are some very legitimate reasons for not taking action, like not divorcing someone because of your immigration status and you need to plan and work out the details before you tell the bastard to get out. But for me, (notice how this went from bitching about his parents to me?) every reason I can tell myself is nothing but an excuse. “I need to plan” is I’m too afraid to just stand up to him and see what happens. “I can’t afford to live on my own” is BS, I’m talented enough to make money if I’d just focus on what is really important and stop festering over my miserable life. “My kids would be traumatized” is worthless because aren’t they, at some point, going to need therapy if I let this keep up? And the thought of one of my daughters going through this hell is just too much to bear. And who would be to blame? Me, for not teaching them that this is NOT acceptable behaviour and it’s not acceptable to treat anyone, adult or child, this way.
Ok, enough of that. I’m gonna get started with my day now, I’m sure I’ll be back. This is proving to be a most wondeful form of therapy and I wish I had thought of it much earlier.
Hope everyone has a great day!!
Peace
* Written by me on August 11th, 2006 and revived from archives on October 13, 2011
No comments:
Post a Comment