The more I NEED to work, the less my kids let me

(I’m writing this in short spurts because my children refuse to let me sit for more than 5 minutes at a time)

Ok, today I woke up with no one in the house.  At 8am, that is a bit odd.  It seems hubby took the kids to go to the store to get coffee since we were out.  And when I called to find out where everyone was he let me know he had done it, “because he really was a nice guy”.  oooookay…so he really wasn’t a drunk as I thought last night.  Shit.

If I had known that he would have actually remembered anything I had said…I’d have let it all out.  I don’t normally bother wasting my breathe, he won’t remember and it’s like arguing with a retarded person.  I will get nowhere, it’s totally unproductive, so why bother?  I’m just so conditioned to being ignored and misunderstood (it’s always an attack on him, no matter what I say) that I just can’t even talk to him when he’s not drunk.  And normally if I say anything about him drinking and he flies off the handle, then I know he’s drunk.  Well, either he has gotten better at controlling it or last night was a fluke, cause he definitely wasn’t sober but he seems to remember some of it.  Enough to be nice to me this morning, and point it out.

Oh, there are so many things I’d like to say to him, but I can’t even get them out when he’s in front of me.  And at this point, they’d come out like bullets.  I’d say we need a mediator just to get all the past BS that has been stored up out of the way. But I’m not sure I even care enough for that.  He wanted to just put it all behind us at one point and I thought that would be great.  BUT it won’t happen.  In order to put it all behind us, he’s got to make an effort to not do all the things that have caused problems in the past.  The biggest being drinking.  And he won’t ever stop.

He just doesn’t get that to me, it feels like he is cheating on me.   That alcohol is so much more important than me.  He  makes decisions around, because of, and for the alcohol.  He listens to it before he listens to me.  He alienates me for the alcohol.  He’s never here because he’s drunk.  He’s never able to have a talk because he’s drunk.  He misses all the things we do here because he’s drunk.  He might as well be off with another woman, it actually might hurt less.  At least if he cheated on me, people would think that was a legitimate reason to be upset.  But it seems that our society has made alcolism a fucking disease so I can’t even be upset about it.  Fuck that noise.  It’s not a disease, it’s a fucking weakness.  He’s weak and he disgusts me.  I’ve had addictions, I got over them.  I quit smoking when I got pregnant with my son, after I gave birth, my ex talked me into smoking again so I’d quit bitching about him smelling of smoke.  Ok, I was weak, I gave in.  I got pregnant with my older daughter, I quit again.  Gave birth..made it to a stressful move 3 months later and started again.  Got pregnant, quit, gave birth, started again.  I realized a few months ago, that I was being lazy and weak.  If I could quit once, I could quit for good.  And I could quit drinking a few beers a night as well.  Just because he didn’t want to drink alone was not a good enough reason for me to give in and be just as weak.  No, I don’t not drink at all, I do have a Margarita here and there, but not on a regular basis (and it’s usualy after he’s made it and dropped it in front of me). AND I have also have drug addictions when I was younger and kicked their asses as well, so don’t tell me it’s not possible.  I cared enough about my own well being because other people counted on me.  Those other people were more important than any relief I felt when I was indulging in one of my bad habits.  I changed the way I looked at the habit, and I stopped it.  I try to tell him that I’m here to help show him the things that are more important than scotch and “I’m fucking bitching about the damned drinking again!”  And that is both sober and drunk.

Why am I so sure that he won’t ever care more about me and the kids than his need to drink?  And why can’t I just stop holding myself back and do what I have to do?  I am capable of running a full time successful business.  I’m capable of taking care of this monstrousity of a house by myself.  I’m capable of paying the bills by myself… IF I’m left alone to do what needs to be done.  But with Mr. Chaos blocking my path every chance he gets, he’s keeping me and him down.  I’m hoping I’m just about pissed off enough to make that big giant step that needs to be made.  I’m just not sure what that step is.  Is it divorce?  Is it just finally cutting him off emotionally and living life as if he weren’t here?  I wish I could answer my own damned questions, but I can’t.  Not today anyhow.

Ok, it’s gymnastics time,  Gotta fly!!

:)

Is this the beginning of the end?

and am I the one making it so?  I’m so confused I don’t know what I’m doing.  And yet at the same time I feel like I’m subconsciously controlling the whole situation.  Maybe I’m just going nuts?
Tonight he wanted me to come out and talk to him after I got the girls in bed.  Kind of a “let’s hang out and watch the storm” kind of talk, I didn’t think he had anything in mind.  So, I went out.  Now, he wanted to hang out and talk so I started talking.  Hell, I never get to actually “talk” about anything around here.  I thought it was open mic night.  Well, after my 3 minutes of talking got cut off by his “Well, what you are learning doesn’t apply to me” then he proceeded to tell me everything he’s been out there chewing over.  He wants to fight back and make a difference in our lives, keep our house, figure out a way to earn more, blah, blah, blah (ok, I quit fucking listening after about 5 minutes cause, well…I’ve heard it all.  Hundreds of times).  Well, this time he wasn’t quite drunk.  So as he is spewing how he should make his employees like where they are and listen to why they might want to leave, I’m thinking, “Fuck! Why not make your wife want to stay?  See why SHE wants to leave!!” but I didn’t say it. Well, it all went downhill from there.  I swear I wasn’t looking to pick a fight, but somewhere in the back of my head I had a pep squad yelling directions “Tell him how he fucking ignores you!”  “Tell him how the world doesn’t revolve around him!”  RAH RAH RAH!!!  And the more I said, the more I couldn’t stop.  I mean, why the fuck shouldn’t I be able to vent?  And why should it always be about him?  And how the hell am I supposed to know he’s not quite as drunk as normal???

Of course, after that, how could I expect him to be anything but shitty?  And he was.  But you know what?  He still didn’t talk to me.  I mean TALK TO ME.  He has NEVER communicated with me.  He talks at me.  He spews what is in his mind.  But I might as well be a fucking wall.  He wants no input, aside from agreeing with him.

Did I really think things were going alright recently?  And am I just starting a fight so I can get what is lying under the surface out into the open so it can be dealt with?  Our relationship is a fucking joke.  We aren’t talking, he doesn’t even like me, and I don’t even know who the fuck he is anymore.  Should I just pull the plug and get it the fuck over with?  Let him blame me forever, because he does need someone to blame.  He can’t just accept that sometimes shit goes wrong.  And i won’t even mention the word karma and him in the same sentence, it will make his head blow off.  He continuously does bad shit and then gets all bent out of shape when bad shit is done to him.  You’d think that the concept would be something he’d at least entertain and test.  But, whatever.

I’m tired, I’m never going to make him like me, and I don’t even know why I care any more.  The fact that he’s never going to like me hurts like hell.  I really did try for so many years.  And it’s still habit that when he’s mad, I run and do as many things to make his world comfortable as possible.  And he thinks I’m being selfish for needing to vent.  It’s not like I fucking have him so scared of me that he’d go and act like a fucking housekeeper to try to make me be in a better mood.  And all the fucking housekeeping in the world would NEVER make him happy.  I wasted 13 years of my life to finally figure that shit out.

I’m still so confused I don’t know what to do.  And I’m scared to do what I want to do, because although I know it’s the right thing to do, I’m not sure it’s the right thing.   Damn, I’m a blithering idiot!!  And this whole time I’m supposed to be working and I’m so fucking upset (even though I did it to myself this time) that I can’t focus.

And I’m not even sure if he’s still awake and seething out there, preparing to come inside and start all over again.  OR…if he’s passed out in the chair I left him in with a cigar in one hand and a scotch in the other.

I need to take the dog for a walk and I can’t because then the girls would be alone, since he’s useless as a responsible adult right now…you know, I’m bouncing from being pissed to drowning in my own self pity to being pissed again…I might really be going insane.

We’ve got a cat (didn’t see that coming, did you? LOL)

After reading Enyo’s accounts of the bad news about Monty, I feel sort of bad to be excited about our new cat.


But I’m still happy that we got her. My dog, however, is not quite so pleased. She was just very curious until she found out that cats hit, now she’s annoyed and curious. The cat we chose happened to have been declawed by a previous owner and so she just punched the dog square in the face when the dog got too close. I would have done the same…I mean, the cat weighs what? 7 lbs? I really don’t know, I didn’t weigh her, but she’s relatively medium sized. And the dog is 100 lbs? I’d have definitely been spitting and hissing and punching just to make the dog think I was insane if nothing else so it would leave me alone.

She’s a long haired tiger cat (not their name but my description of her) and she’s 2 years old (at best guess). She was less than thrilled with the car ride (who would be thrilled riding in a box in a car?) but made herself right at home after punching the dog in the face. My daughters entire existence has revolved around this cat since we got home. They’ve done everything possible to pamper her and she’s very much enjoying the attention. She is not a very independent cat, she does like to be around people and has followed me everywhere but in my office (probably because the dog is sleeping in the doorway). I do have to add that she’s a very cuddly kind of cat. She purrs constantly and just wants to be snuggled with. One of those papoose type baby carriers that you strap on to your front would probably be her ideal place to sit. She loves to be held. My daughter says she’s a Mystery (oh, that was the name the shelter gave her and we are keeping it) because she doesn’t act like a normal cat - she likes to be held all the time. She might be right.

I’m exhausted now, so I’m gonna just go pass out and hopefully there won’t be any cat-dog wars in the middle of the night.

If there was I’ll have something else to write about tomorrow then, won’t I? LOL

Goodnight

We are going to get a cat

After the rat incident, we’ve been thinking…and we both think that we could deal with having a cat around here.  At first we were discussing it with the codename: alligator.  He told the girls we were getting an alligator to keep the rodents away.  The big one didn’t buy it.  After he left for work, she asked me if we were really getting a cat.  The little one just thinks he’s out of his mind.  She might not be wrong.

Anyway, we’ve discussed it and the girls now know about it so it’s set in stone.  There is no going back now.  I just hope I can deal with a cat.  I have had 2, both came with a previous marriage.  I have no problem with cats.  They just haven’t been compatible with my other choices of pets so far (birds, fish, turtles, gerbils, hamsters and, yes, snakes and iguanas)  We had to put our 14 year old dog to sleep in October, and we’ve never really considered getting anything else.  We do have another dog, but she was somewhat neurotic when we got her and after 8 years hasn’t gotten much better.  She is fat, sleeps all day, loves food and is scared to go outside.  As an Akita/shepherd mix she’s pretty big (100 lbs or so) but she hides behind the bed all day long, and you don’t normally see her unless it’s time to eat or someone’s come in the front door. (oh, and as I write this it’s started to thunder and I now have a 100lb dog stuck to my leg) She seems to get along with most animals, we’ve had a few come for visits when relatives came down.  I guess we shall see how they get along together.  The house is big enough to have both of them even if they don’t see eye to eye.  It is going to be interesting though.

Today’s project is to finish cleaning my office, get mom’s stuff out of my closet and packed and on it’s way to her house, and put my own things in order where i can find them.  With the couch in here, it’s actually a lot more warm and comfortable.  Having a bunch of desks and computers all running in here was a bit office-like and not comfortable at all.  I can’t wait til I can get the coffee table in here and my little desk top water fountain going.  Then I’m painting the walls and really going crazy.  I have to get my awesome picture that my grandmother gave me fixed, the glass and frame need replacing, actually.  When it’s whole again, it’s going to get center wall with a picture light aimed on it.  I might actually love my office when I get it done.

I have a load of work to catch up on as well.  I was slacking since the rat.  Well, I’ve been cleaning every nook and cranny trying to find where it could be hiding.  BUT mom pointed out some holes in the bathroom cabinets where the pipes come in and out and now we are fairly sure we know why we can’t find it (I’ve torn this place up looking for signs of it and to no avail).  I think it’s conveniently letting itself in, and the commotion since it got “noticed” the other night might be keeping it from coming back in.  But, I could be wrong.  We’ll see, I guess.

Now I have to get this office done before the troops show up.

:)

I really am just a twisted bitter bitch sometimes

I had a very pleasant day before he got home, got sidetracked a few times but it was worth it.  We had a nice dinner, kids were in bed (not sleeping, but in bed) on time, and then he came home and no sooner does he walk in a freaking citrus rat goes bolting under the fridge in front of him.  It’s like he just oozes chaos.  I swear.  All day…no problems.  He’s home and the choas begins.  So, the rat is under the fridge, right?  No.  We pull it out, he’s nowhere to be seen.  We think he’s in the fridge, well, in all the coils and things, but can’t see him.  So he goes and gets two rat traps (yeah, when you live in Florida, you just have these things laying around) and puts them by both sides of the fridge and sits down and watches.  I decide he’s watching, I’ll go calm down the 7 year old who heard him start cursing about a rat and won’t sleep.  I get her calmed and come out to see if there was any action.  He’s asleep at his post.  So now, who knows if the stupid thing came out or not?  Not him.  Not me.  Now I’m totally paranoid and think the girls are gonna have a rat in their room because where else is better to hide than in piles of princess dresses or under a bed where the owner likes to eat popcorn as she has her bedtime story?  I go and look and sure enough…right on the spot where we were sorting Barbie shoes earlier…there is rat shit.  And the 7 year old is still awake and bordering on panicking.  I don’t let her know that I saw rat shit, but I tell her since she’s awake I’ll stay in her room with her and while I’m in here, why don’t I just clean up your dress-up bin and your closet?  I cleaned for 2 hours and she only just fell asleep right before I finished.  I’m really paranoid though, I wonder if I should keep their light on (they’d never notice) all night to discourage it from coming in there.  I could sleep in there but I’m really sure it won’t see me as a threat.

So, as I’m cleaning and trying to amuse myself, I start thinking.  Why is it that I am so bitter towards him?  I tried going back and finding a point where I started hating him more than I loved him.  He had his moments in NJ.  But I think it was definitely since we moved to Florida.  I’m thinking the week we were looking for houses might have been it.  His parents sold me on moving to Florida by pushing how wonderful Ocala was.  And I love Ocala.  It’s like a horse junkie’s paradise.  Anyway, I thought we were going to end up somewhere near there.  Which is convenient because it’s halfway between both our families.  We spent a week driving around looking at different areas.  We looked at Lady Lake (The Villages) because my aunt and uncle lived there and were convinced that if we got in there with a business and lived nearby we’d be making a wise move.  I thought so as well.  It was perfect.  Just south of Ocala, new area, being built up and being marketed like mad.  It was ideal.  Except he didn’t like it.  I should have seen the red flags go up, but I didn’t.  So, the day we were leaving, the plan was to go to Ocala next and check it out.  We headed up 41, hit the first intersection in Ocala and he made a beeline for the interstate.  He couldn’t get out fast enough.  He didn’t like the area.  I was so flustered and confused, I don’t think I actually had a coherent thought til we hit Tampa.  I just kept thinking, “Did he really just do what he did?”  He never even saw Ocala!  We were on the outskirts and granted, it wasn’t the greatest looking area, it wasn’t even town yet!  We hadn’t even seen ONE horse at that point.  Oh, and to add to my confusion and disorientation, my mom had just called to tell me that Seattle Slew had died as I was searching desperately for a Dunkin Donuts…that is about the exact moment that he made his decision (out loud anyway).  Now, I was always mad at him for that and a little mad at his parents for swaying his decision to move where we did.  I don’t doubt that he was influenced to come near them but last week I was talking to his mother and she said something about how I didn’t like Ocala.  I asked here what the hell she was talking about and she said that he told her we didn’t move there because I didn’t like it.  This might be contributing to my recent bout of nastiness toward him as well.  But I think that day that he just skipped Ocala when we were looking for places to live was the turning point in our relationship.  That and buying a house without me on his next trip down didn’t help either.  Oh, and buying another restaurant when we had agreed to buy homes and fix them and resell them also damaged the whole trust thing.  Not only did he buy one, he bought one in the very place I told him that every single realtor I had spoken to said to avoid like the plague.

I love these little talks we have.  I was thinking I was overreacting or being selfish or a bitch.  BUT he’s really lucky that I haven’t gone completely ballistic on him.  And just in case you are wondering, this type of shit has been happening since we got here.  So, it’s not isolated little incidents.  Oh no…it’s a freaking trend.

Well, I’m gonna go tiptoe through the house like Elmer Fudd and hunt for that waskelly wat…
:)

Is he deliberately trying to keep me off balance?

I’m looking back over my posts and every day is something different.  It all seems the same every day from this point of view, but damn…it sure doesn’t look that way from the outside.  I wish I had done this earlier.  Maybe I wouldn’t feel like I was losing my mind now.

Btw, he’s snoring in his chair…he did come in and ask what was wrong with me.  Since the girls were standing next to him and I didn’t want to make a scene I said, “nothing important”.  I was hoping that he’d manage to stay awake til after I got the girls in bed.  I wanted to ask him if he really wanted to consider just ending the marriage since it seems we do nothing but attack each other verbally anymore.  But…he’s sleeping.  He also wanted me to create something on his laptop, guess that’s not happening either, cause I really don’t feel like waking him up at this point.  The peace and quiet is too nice.

I’m going to go surround myself with Photoshop where I’m happy, warm and loved

Thanks for putting up with my emotional volcanos…

:)