Amazing, huh? As if being drunk 90% of the time he’s home and making really bad decisions that cost us almost everything we had weren’t enough…he’s started to separate us by gender in his comments. As in, I have to go do “woman” things and he just can’t stand to deal with them, and he is doing “man” things and wouldn’t expect me to tolerate them. Who the hell is this person? I feel like I’m in the twilight zone sometimes.
I think he is pushing my buttons to make me do the dirty job of saying, “Get out, I’ve had enough” so he won’t have to bear that burdon throughout the remainder of his lonely, miserable life.
The person I married knows that I feel very strongly about us being equal, about both of us doing equal work and being each others support and reason for fighting our way through the daily crap that we endure. But to continue on this path that he’s gone down where he acts like we are in a 1960’s sitcom…like he’s the major breadwinner and that allows him the right to all attention when he’s home, the right to be an asshole when he wants, the right to make me put up with the family BS so he won’t have to deal with it…is so against what we started with that I wonder if he’s not doing it on purpose. When we were dating, I had gone against the union in our restaurant, I was working with the state to fight back against them harrassing and extorting the staff where I worked. So why now, does he make comments when I decide to make a difference where I see a wrong that can be fixed? What? After 15 years, suddenly he’s noticed that I’m an activist at heart? The person he says he loved when we were dating is the very type of person he despises now.
Do people really change that much? I know I started to change when he started making me feel like shit for being me. But did I change that much? And when I realized what was going on and stopped it…was I just noticing his negative reactions or had they gotten that much worse when I stopped reacting as he wanted me to? Or is it just me? I mean, if other people go through this…where are they? Why do I feel so incredibly alone? Sometimes I don’t even know who I am. Am I who I really am? Am I who he wants me to be? Am I trying to be a good wife and sacrificing what is truly important…my soul? Am I teaching my daughters that their own souls aren’t worth as much as a man’s opinion? Am I just a bitter and twisted women who has no other outlet but a blog and eat frozen chocolate chip cookie dough?
Too many questions, not enough cookie dough. I’m tired, I’m drained and I’m out of dough. I’m going to bed.
Peace
Written by me on August 13th, 2006 and reposted by me October 14, 2011
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