First I have to ponder…what is with the good mood after a night of excessive drinking. It happens all the time lately and I’m just wondering if he’s trying to make me nuts, paranoid, or if he really does just feel that much better since he had the priveledge of taking a vacation to whatever planet he goes to when he’s drunk. AND! My 5 year old declared that she had drunk her whole juice last night at bed time. The 7 year old says, “It’s “I drank my whole juice.” and besides, drunk doesn’t have anything to do with juice. And it’s a bad thing, just ask mom”. So, how do I take that? Has my little munchkin been overhearing me (I used to try to keep it out of earshot, but when you get totally fed up you tend to stop being so careful and now I can’t remember if I really try to hide it anymore) or has she figured out that dad is a complete idiot only around the same time that mom is pissed off and avoiding him and she’s put two and two together? He actually had her pouring his scotch for her and thought i was completely out of line for getting mad. She’s very intellegent and is quite capable of figuring things out on her own. But she’s also “Daddy’s little girl” and allows him to make her feel bad a lot of times. Always when he’s drunk. When he’s sober he’s much more capable of reasoning with her. She must see the difference. The other one wants nothing to do with him when he’s been drinking, which makes him pester her more. She’s 5 and already has no respect for him. Which isn’t something I can fix since I’ve not got any respect for him anymore either. I can’t say “respect the man, he’s your father”, when I have no respect for mine and don’t even speak to him.
On another related note: He’s decided he wants to change his lifestyle. He says he’s going to start on Sept. 1 (why wait???) and stop drinking and stop midnight snacks, and exercise daily. We will see where this gets to. I don’t have much faith anymore though. I think it’s yet another attempt to get me to stop thinking of divorce. I’m pretty sure he has an alarm that goes off in his head that forces him to do something drastic and marriage saving when I’ve gotten to the end of my rope. He is getting better little by little. But I’m really not sure I’m interesting in waiting another 20 years to have an emotionally stable relationship. I would like to enjoy life while I can still see/walk/have a rational thought.
Ok, back to Claritan. Yes, I’m allergic to the state of Florida. I have been for at least 20 years. Why do I keep migrating back here? Who knows? I don’t remember being allergic as a kid. And it seems that I’m more allergic to the southern part of the state than the northern part. I go to Ft. Lauderdale and I’m positively dying (which might be why my dear husband has recently been telling me how he’d like to move there) but visiting grandma in Jacksonville brings on only mild allergies. I am not so sure about the Keys. I seem to be fine down there. Too bad you can’t have a big horse farm there. Although, I could deal with diving every single day. As long as I have high speed internet I can live anywhere.
Which brings me to my next thought. I’ve always wanted to live in Montana or someplace equally barren. But, I think I’m very glad, right now, that we didn’t go that way when we left NJ. If I were stuck with drunk-boy here, on a mountain top, with no internet or friends…I’d have lost my marbles a long time ago. So I guess of the two choices, Florida was the best. At least there are people here. Very few that I actually hang out with, but there ARE people. And I learned about homeschooling. I thought that was just for ultra-religious people who were completely out of touch with reality back when we were in NJ. And maybe I’ve become out of touch with reality but, I’m totally digging this. Today the playroom/schoolroom is done, so I can set up my daughters sewing machine for them and let them go nuts (she is pestering me to put it up, and she taught herself to sew - with some help from grandma). Tomorrow I’ll put their schoolbooks in there and maybe we can start doing full school again (which is a whopping 2 hours a day - did you ever consider how much time you actually wasted while at school? Bus, between class, getting stuff out, putting stuff away…when did you actually learn anything? 10-20 minutes a class?) And somehow, I think that I’ll still find them doing schoolwork, randomly throughout the day, in the dining room, living room, etc. Theyactually LIKE to learn and just go do it for fun, on their own. It’s a beautiful thing
After two days of entertaining guests, I suppose I really ought to get a blast of work done as well. I have to set up my own personal work blog to keep my own projects in order. I started that with a client and it works wonderfully.
My office is crammed full of furniture now too…I really should consider fixing it up in here. I wanted to paint in here, my friend and I had an awesome burnt red picked out, but it’s too much for the whole room…so we’re thinking of what other color to put on other walls. I’d love to paint a mural, but i just don’t have time for that. It would be relaxing to have a big field with horses grazing in it on one wall. Maybe another house. For now…I’m off to work.
Written by me on August 15th, 2006 and reposted from archives
No comments:
Post a Comment