(it’s funny how, when I’m on the treadmill or doing dishes…my brain is just spewing ideas for blog entries - in the form of serious self discussion, of course. Then…when I get a moment to blog…nothing. I get a blank. I’m starting to think my brain doesn’t want a written record of it’s own therapy sessions.)
I have done a lot of shit in my life that I am definitely not proud of.
There. I said it. Out loud and everything. Ok, that wasn’t such a big deal for you but it was most certainly a big deal for me. I have always had these thoughts that I don’t deserve things to go right because I did things when I was 18, 19, 20, 21, even 22, that I’d never do in a million years now…and honestly, I’m very tired of them.
I think there is some self-sabotage system in me that goes off when a certain comfort level is achieved. When I start doing well, the alarm goes off and the memories start flooding back in. I began to doubt the purpose of these when I realized that all I remember is the bad crap. I wasn’t all bad! I may have been very confused, poorly prepared for being an adult, a stumbling kid…but I did do some good things! Really, I did. I just can’t remember much of anything except the bad shit. Now, the bad stuff takes up a whopping total of 1.5 months of a 4 year period. So…what else did I do? I know I spent a hell of a lot of time working. I had my kid. (that is NOT one of the bad things, just to get that straight.) It just boggles my mind that things that seemed so important at the time, are things I can barely remember.
So, lately I’m really coming to terms with who I am. I’ve discovered lots of things that I had detached myself from. I discovered that I had emotions other than being angry all the time. Now, I’m dealing with a part of me that apparently was comfortable being miserable. And it’s starting to annoy me like a pesky fly.
I am sick of these memories popping into my brain whenever they get a chance. It’s annoying, unproductive and I won’t stand for it any more!
Ok, now that I’ve essentially told myself off…let’s move on to the more encouraging of my eccentricities.
:)
After resolving that last bit with myself over a mile walk and a hot shower…I got dressed and considered WHY I would continue to react to events that occurred almost 20 years ago. Now, I can think that I’m just punishing myself for something that I felt I should never of done. But there is nothing that warrants 20 years of punishment in my past. So, that makes me think that might not be the whole of it. Could there be another reason for doing this? Could I be trying to keep my world in it’s current state to keep from dealing with the unknown of the future? Is fear causing me to react rather than to just act on my own ideas? It’s all very convoluted and difficult to put in a blog, but I’ve been considering just why I do what I do and wondering what could possibly jolt my system. What can I do to break the habit of 20 years of self-emotional-abuse, after dealing with 18 years of parent-induced-emotional-abuse? A lot of my current habits are quite obvious to me, I know I do them. I know why I do them. That’s all well and good…but it doesn’t make the habit go away.
I guess it will just have to be something I pay as much attention to as possible and call myself on when I notice it occurring. I am trying to stop being reactive in many other things so doing this with my own thoughts will hopefully not be so difficult.
Being a slave to fear is a waste of time. But what if we don’t realize that we are reacting to fear? When I react to my husband drinking (and yes, we have still not gotten past that entirely) am I reacting to the drinking itself or the emotions that act creates? Am I reacting to the disrespect I feel it shows OR the fear that I’m going to have to do something that I don’t want to do and therefore I’m just going to go into a tizzy, focus on something other than the real problem and fizzle out by the time he’s in a sober state.
What if, the next time he drinks (as an example), I stop and ask myself “What is the real problem here?” He’s not paying attention to me? He’s acting foolish? Or is the problem that he has so much fear of what he doesn’t understand that he would rather numb himself than deal with it head on? That seems to be more of the issue.
What if, the next time one of my kids is being rude to the other or is just doing everything she has been told not to do…I don’t send her to her room, but stop and ask, “what is the real problem here?” Is she reacting to what her father and I are doing? Is she tired, hungry, scared, or sick?
I think that living a proactive life, where your world reacts to the things you do, as opposed to a reactive life (where you react to the world around you) is so much more productive and healthy. I’ve tried the reactive approach and it’s not healthy. It’s taking a very long time to break the habit, but it is breakable.
As I tell my kids (and they repeat it back to me when I make the mistake of implying the opposite) “Nothing is Impossible”. The possibilities of the future can create a spark that powers the changes needed. I’m sure that I can change the patterns and create new habits that are healthy, that help others, that contribute to society.
If the definition of insanity is “doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result every time” then it’s time to stop the insanity. I’m getting out of the Rat Race…I’m making changes….and I’m achieving my goals.
:)
No comments:
Post a Comment