We survived the storms :)

And I have to get up in like…3 hours to drive to the gymnastics meet.  But I can’t sleep.

I’m furious.

I can’t even say I’m mad at anyone else now.  I’m furious with myself.  How did I let things get so incredibly fucked up here?  I feel like I’m living in a fog.  Or I’m a zombie that sort of knows what it’s supposed to do and just keeps going through the motions.

Enough already!!!

As much as I can’t stand the idea of doing it, I’m really considering going to an Al-Anon meeting (I’m not sure the difference in their beliefs and mine will not be too distracting at this point).  I might be going for the wrong reasons though.  I keep feeling like I have to prove that I did all I could.  That I went through all the right steps.  But, as my friends have pointed out, I didn’t freaking do anything wrong!  I didn’t break the relationship up by alienating my family!  I didn’t CHOOSE to drink over having a healthy relationship.  IT’S NOT MY FREAKING FAULT!!!  And I’m not going to change anything he does by going to counseling and Al-Anon or even by begging him. It’s beyond my abilities to make any changes to his behavior.

I’ve been researching all night, and when I get back, just as a “first shot over the bow” kind of thing…I’m printing up a bunch of resources for alcoholics, from local therapists to online support groups, and giving it to him.  THEN I will give him a few weeks while I work on my escape plan.  I don’t want an escape plan.  I don’t think the girls and I should have to give up our home and everything we have here because HE has a problem, but if that is how it has to be, then fine.  We’ll get the hell out.

In three weeks, I’ll see what he’s done to make a change.  And fuck all that sneaking shit.  I’m gonna go through his fucking office and leave notes on his “stash” bottles.  He’s so fucking clueless because this shit has rotted his brains.  He thinks I can’t tell.  He’s only kidding himself.  He’s so obvious that it’s not funny.

If he’s made no effort or not enough of an effort, we are out of here.

30 days after that, if he’s still not made an effort, I’m filing for divorce.  I have a lawyer already.  And he’s free.  I just have to pay the court and filing fees.  I have a place or two to go while this is all going on.

I have no more excuses.

But I just wish things could just be good.  I wish things could be normal.  I wish my kids weren’t so upset that they were sick all the time.  I wish I weren’t so angry all the time.

I wish…yeah, that will get me real far.

Time to stand up and be an adult.  Time to do what is right, no matter how painful.  I’m going to stop allowing this shit to go on around my family.  If he wants to do it, he can do it when he’s all alone.

ok, going to bed now.

See you all after the competition and drive home…

have a great day!!!

:)