Sometimes life is just so exhausting

I’m going to drag on about being tired still.  Sorry.  I think the sudden lack of anticipation, the ability to stop and not run out to a store for a gift or more food for the holiday dinner is taking it’s toll.  And the kids are just losing their minds.  They are so behind on sleep that they can’t function properly. 

Mom and I have started making sure they eat more often (as part of an experiment with moods) and that they sat and rested at least an hour, twice today.  That did help a bit.  They were going full speed for the last two weeks.  It’s enough to make an adult crazy, but a 5 and 7 yr old hasn’t got the capability of reasoning with themselves when they are tired.  Or at least most don’t.  Ok, Mine don’t.  I really can’t say what others do.  I know when they get tired, it’s a monumental thing to have them understand what you are trying to tell them.  They cry, they throw a fit, they don’t hear you no matter if you are agreeing with them or not.  It’s very nerve-wracking.

Well, I have one more job to finish tonight.  And a stack of blog entries to prewrite (not for here, for my design site) so I don’t have to come up with ideas when I’m too busy to focus on what color selector is best or how to create a pen and ink drawing in Photoshop.

I might be back if I get done and the coffee has really kicked in.  That happens most nights.  Just as I’m ready to sleep…whatever I’ve done to stay up will actually start to work.  Mind you…I am talking about things working hours after they’ve been taken.  It’s not like I drink a mug of coffee at 1am and expect to fall asleep at 2am.  I mean I drink a coffee at 10pm and at 2am I’m suddenly wide awake.  It could be that I’m naturally a night-owl and not the coffee at all though.

Anyway, gotta run and paint some things for a client.  See ya’ll later.

:)

I should never have taken time off

I’m so tired all the time now.  I can’t get back into the groove. 


OH well, no choice but to do it really.  I’ve already worked 4 hours today, and I’ve napped through the Grinch, A Year Without A Santa Claus and Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer.

AND I’ve had Red Bull, coffee, ice cream and breakfast and lunch.  There are no excuses for being this tired.

I’m also freezing my behind off.  At 57 degrees I broke down and turned on the heat.  Now I’ll have to listen to him bitch when he gets home about how hot it is in here.  I think I’ll put duct tape over the thermostat and threaten to give him a hickey on his forehead if he touches it.

One of my daughters accidentally gave herself a hickey while watching tv.  She was just sucking on her arm and totally freaked when she saw the result.  Everyone who came for Christmas wanted to know what she had done to herself.  She was very embarrassed, although I don’t know why, no one gave her any reason for her to be so.

Ok, I’m gonna make coffee and come back in to work.  I also have a list to make for myself.  I might get to that this evening.  And the hubby and I had another…um,…I can’t even call it a discussion because it was more me talking and everything I said he took totally can completely wrong.  I swear sometimes I wonder if we are from the same planet.

I’ll see you when I get a minute later.  Hope everyone is having a blast with all their wonderful Christmas gifts.
:)

Merry Christmas to everyone!

I am trying to get caught up, cleaned up and organized enough to relax from this evening until tomorrow evening.

The kids are bouncing off the walls, hubby has loads of “secret missions” going on, and I have gifts to wrap, the floors need cleaned and all of my aquatic critters need more water.  The latter meaning I have to lug five 5 gallon jugs up the the water kiosk in the parking lot at the strip mall down the street.  Our water in the tap would kill them all off in seconds.  I have to go get decent water down the street.  That is just wrong.  But…anyway…

A Merry Christmas to all.  And a special Christmas thought goes out to Enyo who is recovering from a rather ghastly sounding injury and Meg who is recovering from having an asshole removed from her life.  Hugs and a mug of steamy hot cocoa (with homemade whipped cream) goes out to both.

I hope everyone gets all they wished for!!

See you tuesday.

:)

Tooth Fairy is visiting tonight!

I had to yank my oldest daughters front tooth out of her head today.  Her front tooth has been dangling.  She had me look at it, started to panic and hit my hand which knocked it just about completely out except it got stuck somehow.  And it started bleeding.  She totally freaked.  So, seeing my last opportunity to get it over with, I squeezed it (had a napkin around it already to “test” how loose it was ) and I just held on.  She did the work.  She jumped and the tooth stuck for a second and then let go.  And boy did it bleed!!

****

ok, about that point she started coughing like mad in her sleep and I went in to get her all fixed up.  And fell asleep with her.  (but not before I did the tooth fairy bit   shhh!!!! )

I have to do some work, I’ll try to finish whatever was in my head yesterday when I get done.

:)

Oh my GOD! It’s a miracle.

The hubby and I are actually really talking.  Like…connecting and communicating.  Although I’m skeptical, I’m also very excited.  I have to make the effort on my part to not fall into old habits and he’s got to actually try too…but everyone noticed a difference today when they came over and commented to me after he left for work.  He had a very different appearance, open and talkative, as if he’s been set free of something.  I am going to act as if he’s really going to continue with what we said, because if I doubt him then I’ll be doing my part in making things go back to the way they were.  I have to stop my old bad habits as well.  The insanity has to stop somewhere.  And I say it ends here.

I’m going to make an effort to be less judgemental as well as not so damned angry all the time.  And I’m not saying that he’s said any of this, he didn’t say I did anything at all.  We basically worked on getting him to be able to communicate with me.  I don’t think he really ever had to talk to anyone before.  Sure, he can talk, tell stories and entertain customers and guests, but he’s not learned to really discuss and solve problems in a relationship.  And now that it’s so emotionally charged here, it’s hard to say anything without one of us blowing up at the other.  So we got the painful shit out of the way (not all I’m sure, but it was a start) and then started working on a realistic plan to make our lives better…We’ve spent 14 years together and we owe it to ourselves to try one more time.  We owe it to our children to teach them how to be in a relationship the right way.  We don’t want them thinking that it’s normal to live like this.  It’s our responsibility to be the adults, we need to start acting like parents and not like fools.

Ok, I have work to do.  I’ll continue this later.  I have some goals I need to meet daily…I think that this type of motivation is going to be very good.
later!
:)

Tonight was fun (really)

We (the kids, my mom and I) went to dinner and to see Christmas lights with friends.  It was great, and these are the kind of people who laugh constantly…it was a wonderful feeling to just laugh and not care who sees you.

I have to get some sleep.  I’m working but I’m dangerously close to having a keyboard stuck to my forehead.

I’ll post more of what is going on tomorrow.

:)

which way do I look at it?

I was discussing the drunk with a person I work with last night and they said something interesting.  They feel that contrary to what I was thinking, a persons true self is the one you see when the shit hits the fan.  And I have to admit, I think they are right and I was wrong.  The person the drunk used to be was carefree, adventurous, and exciting because he had never had to deal with adversity!  He’d never had to pull himself up by his bootstraps and keep going even when there seemed to be no hope.  He got that rude awakening shortly after I moved in with him, when he started losing his restaurant to the landlord that didn’t want to renew the lease (at least that is how I remember it, I could be making this memory in his favor when it might not really be).  I should have really seen my future then.  He came completely unglued, not unlike his behaviour now.  I attributed it to “stress” and blah, blah, blah…I never thought that I was seeing the true character of this man.  I had an opportunity that I totally missed.  But then, I’d not have my two awesome incredibly wonderful daughters if I had taken that opportunity and run like hell.  At least I’m guessing I’d never have had them…what if we were all just destined to be together and I couldn’t help them do what they have to do if I hadn’t stuck around and gone through what I’ve gone through in order to be who i am now?  In a convoluted way that sort of makes sense.  Right now.  I might come back later and wonder how I ever thought that sentence was coherent, but…whatever.

I’m behind on work because I’m giving too much energy to this shit.  I’ll be back after I’ve done something to earn some money.

Oh, and did I mention he’s forcing me to pay the mortgage (we are about $1300 short on it right now) and we have no gifts for Christmas?  AND he doesn’t think the loser he works for will pay him his whole check next week.

I think that we need to reevaluate our priorities and make a new game plan.  He, on the other hand, will start breaking things and totally blow a gasket if I even mention the idea of paying our mortgage past the last day of the grace period (today).

and now…I’m really going to work.  Really.

:)

We are back on the Merry-Go-Round

only I’m not having any fun.  One day he’s sober and willing to be reasonable, the next he’s drunk and a complete moron.  I dread doing what needs to be done to make it stop.  I am so scared of what is going to happen, but I am also scared of what will happen if I don’t make this stop.  I know I have support from my mom and friends, which is something I am certain a lot of people do not have and I’m grateful for their patience and offers of help.  It still doesn’t make it easier.  It’s like I’m frozen with fear at the thought of telling him to get out (if he’s been drinking, I see it being a very very ugly matter) or of just filing for a divorce and having him served at work.  That would be a horrible thing to do though.

Why can’t he just fucking care enough about all of us to go get the help he needs???  What did we do to deserve this pain?  Why am I responsible for him giving up control to scotch?

Ok, enough of the pity shit.  I have work to do and no real certainty of even buying Christmas presents this year yet.   If I can pull off paying the mortgage on time tomorrow it will be a freaking miracle.  I’ll be happy with that for the day.  Then I’ll start working on how to get gifts.  Ok, I’m sure I’ll get the girls gifts.  Somehow.  I’ll sell a body part.  Whatever.  I have to get out of his way of looking at things.  The mortgage, electricity, cars…yes, they are very important and have to be paid.  BUT they are not the only things that are important.  He focuses on what he’s not able to pay so much that they become everything to him.  And to make them all go away and so he can stop his brain…he drinks a half bottle or more of scotch (it used to be a whole bottle but it’s taking less and less these days to make him pass out).  I mean, I KNOW why he does it.  I can see the whole evil cycle.  I just can’t make him think that there is any other way.  And after 14 years of being his only real emotional support…I’m just too fucking beat up and worn down to pep talk his ass out of this.  I know that I put up with this shit when we were in our 20’s and had no kids.  I was probably wrong for not running down the street screaming like a maniac.  Regardless of that, I didn’t run.  I stuck around.  I saw something inside him that fit a part of me.  Now, I wasn’t the most stable individual.  I was depressed because the ex had taken off with my son and I had no idea where he was and no financial means of finding him til just about the time I moved in with my current husband (otherwise known as the drunk).  I was having hormone problems triggered by extreme stress and I was just searching for someone who was carefree, adventurous and made me feel like I could be a better person.  My husband did that.  He was that.  I miss my husband.  I don’t have a fucking clue who this soul is that is currently living in his body but I know I don’t like him.  Not one bit.  He’s mean, spiteful, he sucks the energy out of an entire house by entering it, he’s miserable, he hates everyone and everything, he makes you regret speaking of any positive experience because it reminds him of what he’s lost and somehow he’s convinced that nothing is his fault and the world is out to squash him.  I know everyone says the old person won’t come back, but my eternal optimism says he’s GOT to be in there.  Somewhere.  Please can’t he be in there somewhere?  I’d crawl through the muck and mire, in the dark, as far as I’d have to crawl just to help him come back from where ever he’s been sucked down into.  I really would.  And I’d drag this horrible creature who has been living in his skin with me and leave it there to rot.

ok, now that I’ve completely and utterly depressed myself over the fact that I’m married to a stranger that I hate and i’m never going to see the person he once was again…i do have to work.  Really.  I’m not just running away, I just don’t have the energy to run right now.

:)

today was a better day

of course, he’s not been home all day, but still…I woke up early, walked a half mile, did school, worked, took the girls to gymnastics, made them dinner and gave them desert all before 6 and now they are playing with my old dry erase board and markers.  I’m planning another half mile walk this evening.  I got some work done, am catching up from being sick and THIS is the direction I want things to start heading in.  Productive, healthy, fairly content, and not late for anything.  It’s relieving.

I have some more things to get done, I just wanted to comment.

Oh, and I’m also thrilled that Enyo has returned to us.  She hurt herself, so everyone needs to head over and give her some warm “Get Well” wishes.  She can be found here:  This Is My Affair . I was getting very worried about her. And it does suck when you can’t even call and say…”Are you ok?  Do I need to come kill the bastard?  Get you out of jail for killing the bastard?”.  She’s hurt herself, but it could have been worse, so I’ll just be happy that she’s able to write again.

Gotta run now…I’ll be back.

:)

Lots of talking done today, do I trust him?

We talked today about his horrid behaviour and the reasons behind it.  He admitted he needs a counselor or someone to help him work through his issues, and to help him learn to communicate better.  We’ll see how long he feels this way.  In the past, it’s like him saying it was enough for him and he never followed through on actually doing it.  I think it’s going to be up to me if I want to make him get help.  And as tired as I am with the whole thing, I’m not willing to give up if he’s possibly going to make an effort.  But like I said, we shall see…the track record so far has been spotty, at best.

I’m exhausted.  I laid awake on the couch til 6am when I decided enough was enough and i was going to sleep in my own freaking bed.  I didn’t sleep much there, but at least it was more comfortable.  I’m going to try to get some sleep now.  I have early meetings (early for me anyway) and things to do out of the house with the girls in the afternoon.

nite all

:)

I missed this due to being violently ill all weekend…

I, unfortunately, share an important date with two influential musicians. It’s not a happy date. My birthday, December 8th, is also the same day that John Lennon and “Dimebag” Darrell were murdered in the prime of their lives. It sort of keeps things in perspective for me, I think. While birthdays aren’t such a big deal to me, feeling like I’m here for a reason does mean something. I think both men made a difference, a very big one, in their respective areas. They influenced more people than I think they ever really knew.

I normally try to take a moment to be thankful that we’ve had such people around to influence those of us left behind. There is no way to thank them for their contributions, but maybe just by keeping their ideas alive we can honor them.

I also learned that a friend is going through a terrible time, her brother is in ICU after sustaining some serious injuries. Now, I am not religious - we’ve already discussed this, but I do believe in the power of positive energy (and I’m not counting out prayer..read on). I think if someone wants to live, then they will do just that. And if someone isn’t quite sure they want to fight, but others are pushing for them, then they might just sway the final outcome. If someone just does not want to continue to exist, then there isn’t anything any one of us can do. I think that considering this young mans injuries, if he really had wanted to die, he’d be gone already. For some reason, he’s hanging on. I was asked to pray for them, which I most certainly will do, but I also thought that some good thoughts (or prayers, if you rather) their way from anyone reading would help too.

I appreciate it.

I have to get some sleep now. The adrenaline rush of being in yet another battle is wearing off, my muscles are hurting and I need to get some rest.

I hope everyone has a wonderful evening. See you tomorrow.

:)

I guess the only one who is going to get me out of this hell is me

God, that sucks.  These last few weeks have been busy and surreal.  The more I work, the worse he gets.  The more I feel good about me, the more he attacks me.  Tonight was the kicker though.  And I honestly think I’m just provoking him now to get him to fucking leave already.  But the girls were crying and he was breaking things and it’s just gone too far.  I had him at the fucking door, he was finally getting out and then the girls were just so fucking upset that I took them to their room and somehow the bastard is still here!  He’s passed out in his chair in the living room.  What the hell????

He was just freaking spewing hate at me tonight, I was really actually scared at one point but refused to walk away because he just pushed me over the edge.  He detests me.  He didn’t lose hundreds of thousands of our money..it was HIS money so I have some big balls to dare throw that in his face.  This is after he blasted me for only making $1000 this month and said that I hadn’t made any money in our whole relationship (hey fucko!! I quit a $40,000 a year plus benefits and retirement to stay home because YOU wanted me to!!!) Oh, and did I mention I was there for 5 years?  Paying HIS house bills.  Paying for HIS car.  Paying the bills he refused to open because he couldn’t pay them.  I was so fucking stupid.  If I hadn’t gotten the girls from this relationship I’d say it was a major mistake, but I can’t imagine the thought of existing without either of these awesome kids.

Well, after the first half of our war, he went and punched a hole in the bathroom door.  Actually it’s a dent, but it’s a very old door, somewhat solid and has a full-door sized mirror on the other side. He’s fucking lucky that didn’t break.  Then he smashed a cup all over the bathroom.  I took pics this time.  I also caught the towel rack that he ripped off the wall and his stack of Playboys that he refuses to put out of view of the girls in my pics.  just in case i forget these things.  It’s good to have a reminder.

Damage he did to the door (old, heavy duty door) when  he was mad at me.

Broken plastic cup he blasted to bits when he threw it at the door.  (Heavy duty plastic cup from our pizzeria)

 

More bits of plastic cup

So, he also says I spend all my time on the computer.  (wrong)  He says I neglect my kids so I can sit in here and do “whatever it is I do” on my computer.  (wrong)  He says I’m selfish and that I’m the most selfish motherfucker out there ( I do believe those were his exact words) and then told me I am just like my father (which would have been an attempt to hurt my feelings) and just like my mother (another attempt, I think) and then he just kept on fluctuating between calling me names and daring me to keep attacking him!  I told him he drank too much, that was me attacking him.  Obviously, on his planet, that warrants scaring the fuck out of your kids, coming within an inch of taking your wife’s head off (and sacrificing the door and an innocent cup instead) and walking out on your family (although somehow he never got out the door and passed out 3 ft from it in a chair instead).

Stack of Playboys, right in view of kids

And this whole time I’m thinking he’s insane.  He’s flipped his fucking lid.  But he hits the right buttons, because within 10 minutes I’m in tears in the girls room and can’t stop them from coming, and the girls are now sufficiently freaked out…and i kept trying to tell them it was ok, but I can’t stop crying…what if I am a horrible mom?  What if I am selfish and I just don’t know it?  what if I’m making their life worse?  I am so full of doubt about myself right now that I’m crying again.

I have to go make myself a coffee and just get this out of my system.  I’m sure I’ll be back.

Oh, and did I mention I spent friday (my birthday) and saturday puking my guts out with a 102 average fever and he was upset that I didn’t hop off the couch that I was passed out on when he got home to tend to his needs?  Fucker.

Ok, I’m really going for coffee now, just had to get a little pissed to keep it all in perspective.

:)

I have to praise these workbooks we got

I found some workbooks at Borders book store about a month ago and I just have to let you know how much my kids love them. They are made by the same people who make Hooked On Phonics, and they come with the same poster/sticker system. I bought all three books, as I’m not real sure what the youngest knows or is ready for yet. We got Hooked On Pre-K, Hooked On Kindergarten, and Hooked on 1st Grade. I’m hoping they come out with a hooked on 2nd grade before the oldest is finished. These books are only math, language arts, and logical type problem solving/puzzle sections. But I love how enthusiastic the kids are about them. The Hooked on Pre-K has a coloring section which allows for her to get stickers (in the book and on the poster) while I read their history lessons and go over the answers with the older one. She feels like she’s participating and getting rewards. Definite bonus. Before I had a coloring book which was her “school book” that she’d “work” in while the older one and I went through History and Science together. I even bought some stickers for the pages she finished, but this system just makes her so much more happy about it all. I’m only interested in them loving to learn and them getting their basic skills learned and set in their brains for the future.

My son sort of lost his enthusiasm for learning about the time he started school. His dad and I were divorced by then, and I was left out of the loop (since I chose to let him stay in his familiar house and live with his dad) and never got any reports from school. As he got older, he just got worse. Aside from reading a Calvin and Hobbes or Far Side book (not that they are really what I’d consider “books”) he’s not read anything voluntarily in um…oh wow…ever. I’m trying to save the girls from losing that love of learning. He was so enthusiastic as a young child, it makes me want to kick some teachers ass for killing his spirit. And not only for him, but for me as well. I remember being yelled at for having finished my whole text book in the first week of school (yeah, I’m a total geek) because it made the other kids feel bad. Um…it’s not my fault they were interested in other things. Of course, as a child, it’s traumatic to be told by a teacher, in front of your whole class, that you did something wrong…that doing all your text book lessons in one week was BAD…that learning quickly was a BAD THING!! It shouldn’t be any wonder that I have no respect for the public school system. And I found out that my son was being subjected to that same ass backwards way of thinking when it was almost too late. I think moving him to a better school system and then pulling him out completely, when we moved to this state, to homeschool him was the only way he didn’t end up completely beaten down.

He still didn’t do incredibly well. He was a grade A con artist by then…could get out of doing a lesson in less than 10 seconds and leave me thinking I’d done something great. Now he’s living on his own though and he’s found out that he can’t do that any more. It’s quite a shock to the little shit.

Well, I’ve had a long day and I’m exhausted.

See ya!!

It’s been a while, sorry

but I thought things were going fairly well.  I’m sure you all could have told me that wasn’t gonna last.

I keep trying to be positive and optimistic but sometimes it’s hard to do.  He made it like 3 days of not drinking.  Which is a lot for him.  But it’s not enough for me.  And yesterday he  totally fell off the wagon.  After doing his usual attack on what I do to earn money the day before.

I just don’t want to keep giving him the time it takes me to bitch about it any more.  It’s like I’m allowing him to control my world even when he’s not here.

I have more work I have to get done.  Although, I’ve not gotten paid in a few weeks.  Yes, go ahead and tell me I’m stupid for doing anything when I’ve not gotten money.  They owe me $600 which is alot but not alot really, BUT I’m getting side jobs from them referring other people which is making more than they owe me so it’s complicated.  And then there is the potential business that we are all working to build.  The whole thing makes sense to me, and he makes me doubt it.  Then I write it down to try to make myself just give it all up and I see that maybe I shouldn’t be doubting myself.  I am making money, it’s just that he keeps finding every little point he can that isn’t going quite as smooth as I like.  Then he fucking harps on it til I blow up.

He’s still saying I don’t contribute to the bills.  As in, I haven’t contributed in the whole 8 years since I stopped working for the publisher.  I don’t really think I need to show financial statements with both our earnings and what goes where to my fucking husband.  I think he truly believes that I haven’t made anything at all.  Which is fucking infuriating.  His career choices have cost us almost everything we own/owned AND he can’t recognize when I’m bringing money in without me fucking posting it on the fridge daily.

As much as I think I hate this man, i keep coming up with excuses for him and actually trying to make myself like him again.  I keep thinking that because he’s not physically abusive that I have no grounds for being so mad.  But I can no longer focus on anything because he’s gotten me so freaking distracted, constantly, for so many years.  I started actually hitting that point where I could concentrate and it was so odd.

I have to go feed kids, i’ll try to come back in a while.  I’m sure I have loads to vent about

Claritan Rocks!

I know I’ve mentioned being allergic to this state more than once, but I didn’t realize how horrible I feel when I don’t take Claritan.  I’ve been dragging my ass for days and not remembering to take the Claritan (when you need to remember to take it you can’t cause you didn’t take it ).  I took some this afternoon and if everyone weren’t sleeping I’d have my little hard floor cleaner out scrubbing the lanai floor (the girls somehow ran over crayons with their bikes that they were riding in circles out there).  But, I’ll be nice.

I’m trying very hard not to be bitter and miserable…I don’t know how to stop it though.  I am aware of when I’m thinking negative thoughts and draining myself of more and more energy (as if I had any to spare these last few days) but I keep on doing it.  Like it’s too much work to stop myself.  That is pathetic, really. 


Ok, it’s time for bed whether I’m tired or not.  I have to wake up early tomorrow and it ain’t happening if I go to bed much later.  I went to sleep at 5am yesterday and then tried to wake up at 9.  What a joke.  I kept falling asleep for the first half of the day.  Gotta get more sleep than that I guess.

I’ll see you tomorrow

have a great night!!
:)

Everyday I feel the threads of my sanity snapping…one by one…

So…after a relatively busy day with the munchkins…gymnastics, shopping, etc…we come home to find his laptop on the front porch.  By itself.  Hrmmmmmm….

The door is locked and his computer is outside just sitting on the porch, which is not normal, no matter how odd things are around here.  So I unlock the door and he’s in the chair passed out.

GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR.

After asking the drunken asshole why he left his computer outside, I almost freaked when he told me he had to break in cause he didn’t have a key.

Alright, at this point, I need Xanex.

After unloading groceries and putting everything away, getting girls in bed and the animals all sorted with dinner…I have to go find out how he “broke in”.

I found nothing.  So I went and not so nicely poked him in the side and asked exactly how he broke in.  He said he came in the garage door.  GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR.  He had me searching windows inside and out to figure out how the hell he broke in and he used the keypad to open the garage door and come in that way.  He’s lucky he didn’t wake up to being beaten with a laptop.  Which, by the way, I brought inside.  I was contemplating leaving it outside but then realized that when he had to shell out $800 for a dead or missing laptop, it would be coming out of my pocket too.

My hormones are raging these last few days.  Like I can feel them surging at times.  It’s scary.  He better hope my period starts soon, that’s all I’m saying.

I keep having these bizarre thoughts that I should try to be nicer to him…I should help him out once in a while.  But then he comes home drunk and all I want to do is ship him off…anywhere, I could care less…so I can focus on the important things in life…like the kids.  I’m so frustrated and upset by him that the kids suffer and it’s not freaking right.  It’s like he gets bonus points from some testosterone God for making our lives so chaotic that I can’t focus.

Well, I’m getting control on that, it’s just really hard when I have serious major PMS. But I’m still trying.

Alright, I think I’m actually tired enough to sleep, even with all the snoring (including mine, I’m sure I do it too).

Have a great night!!

:)

Someone remind me why I need him around?

Today I unloaded cut firewood from my truck, went to vacuum and wash it out since it was full of sawdust and other kid related debris, cleaned the filter in the turtle tank (can you say, “EWWWWW”?), cleaned the pool filter, figured out why the automatic pool vacuum wasn’t working (he turned the valve off), made construction paper turkeys and a paper chain (ok, mom did most of the chain), made dinner, did countless dishes from breakfast, lunch and dinner, sat and watched 10 minutes of “Coming to America” with him and the girls (to keep him from getting them all hyper before bed), put the girls in bed, cleaned the kitchen, fixed his computer and did laundry. I’m sure I missed a few things. Oh, like getting 25 gallons of water from the kiosk down the street. And picking up doggie land mines in the back yard.

Where was he for most of this? On his ass watching tv and ignoring his family or out with a friend looking at restaurants (which I sure as fuck hope he doesn’t plan on trying to buy - I’ve had just about enough of that bullshit from this area). He came home drunk. Asked me 40 times what the kids were eating (as I’m trying to cook he insists on bobbing and wobbling around me “planning” the meal I’m already half done making). then he passed out on his chair for 30 minutes while I cooked and was all confused as to why I was in a bad mood.

I’m really trying to get past this being pissed off all the time, but I’m afraid that until I get the nerve to tell him to just not come home again…I’m not gonna be able to do it. I keep trying though..
Ok, so…If I did all that shit myself, then why do I need him?

Money? No.

Sex? Ever try to have sex with a drunk person? Unless you are drunk too, it’s not any fun. And I established a “get drunk and miss out on sex for the next 12 hours” rule a long long time ago.

Conversation? HA!!! Don’t make me laugh.

I’ve run out of reasons why I really need him. And I frequently feel the overwhelming urge to just hit him with something. Frying pan…bag of cat food…whatever. I’m not picky. I do try not to hate him, but I’m just not able to convince myself that it’s worth trusting, believing or even just trying to have a normal day with him. I’m always disappointed.

For some reason I’m really tired.  Gonna get to bed so I can wake up early and start all over again.  See you happy campers tomorrow.

:)

to make this more relevant to my own life…

as opposed to bitching about all this external stuff

Things here are the same.  He’s a drunk, I’m working my ass off to earn money to get us out of the $200,000+ hole that he dug, and teaching the kids and cleaning the house, and fixing all the shit he’s broken when he’s drunk.  I’m tired, worn out and all my latest bitchings have been a result I think.  I’m a crabby bitch.  Plus I’ve had no jobs come in in a few days so I’ve had time on my hands.  Time is sometimes a bad thing.  I’ve had time to stop and look around.  And I don’t like what I see.

My office is almost clean but I don’t like how it’s set up.  Me being pushed into a corner with my computer not visible by anyone who happens to stop by (see previous post for why) has me a bit closterphobic.  The kitchen is a lost freaking cause.  I clean it, he comes by and destroys it.  He thinks he’s at work.  He actually sweeps the crap off the counter and onto the floor.  Like the dishwasher (guy not machine) is gonna come by with a broom and get it, and later mop down the whole room to grab the grease that hit the floor too.  He makes messes, bitches when it’s dirty and doesn’t do a fucking thing to help clean it.  Our bedroom?  I think Meg’s ex and my husband must be related to a degree.  While he’s big on personal hygiene, he’s a fucking slob with his clothes and items that came out of his pockets.  His side of the bed has a pile of underwear and socks that the dog keeps pushing under the bed.  They are starting to come out under my side of the bed now.   And he has the balls to bitch at me cause he can’t find underwear.  DUH!  The kids side of the house is almost a losing battle, but I refuse to give in there.  They will learn to keep their space at least sort of clean dammit!!  I will not let them go out into the world thinking that they aren’t worth living in a clean environment.  I’m not talking spotless.  I’m not talking about living without some small piles here and there.  I’m talking about not living with food from last night that got dropped on the floor and no one noticed, or mentioned to me so I could clean it.  I’m talking about not leaving a pile of toys and going to find a new pile of toys to drop on the floor.  I’m talking about having a floor that you can see, that is clean and knowing where your bed ends and the pile of toys begins. My kids and I are all learning how to take care of a house at the same time.  I’m not great at it, but I’m getting better every day.  That’s all anyone can do.  So I don’t beat myself up over it.

ok, gotta go clean now that I’m thinking about it.  The DirectTV guy is coming to see why one of the tv’s only gets some channels when it’s in the mood.

I’ll be back later,

:)

Irresponsible reporting by the Tampa Tribune

I am appalled and ashamed to live in the area covered by this newspaper. I feel dirty and tainted just because I’ve contributed to their business (I subscribed) in the past.

Some obviously bored and ignorant reporters have taken it upon themselves to ruin a mans life. I guess it happens all the time but this time I happened to actually read the news this morning with my coffee. These ignorant individuals have fished out the story of year!! It’s gonna make the earth stop turning!! They’ve saved humanity with their wonderful research skills!! They’ve dug up a gay porn company that is owned by a man working for the Tampa-Hillsborough County Expressway Authority and exposed his privately owned, has nothing at all to do with his job there, company. Oooookay. First of all…what does this have to do with his ability to do a job? Has he done something wrong to instigate someone searching his private activities? Or has he perhaps annoyed someone by speaking up and that someone thought they’d get even by spewing about his private business?
 
Have they thought about the facts that:

1. His business is legal
2. No one is being hurt or exploited, it’s all adults involved
3. He’s not mixing the two businesses, and as far as their article implies, one does not interfere with the other.
4. They’ve just eliminated the mans major livelyhood
5. His family will most likely have to move when they can’t pay their bills. After the water is shut off. After the electricity is shut off. After their cars are taken away. And hopefully before the bank takes their home.
6. They’ve allowed their own PERSONAL moral beliefs to RUIN a man’s life.

I am just sick that these ignorant people are loose in our community and are able to do damage to anyone they come across.

What someone does in their own time is their own business. And in this town…you have got to be kidding. Tampa is one of the biggest hubs of Adult businesses. There are so many adult webmasters here it’s not even funny. How do I know? Where do you think I learned the cutting edge design that I do? Where did I learn to program? Where did I learn about SEO? Yup, you got it. After searching for jobs in this economic hell hole (Tampa Bay area) and being forced to decide between working in McDonalds or doing design for the local paper (the very same one that ruinned this mans life - of course if they get paid what they pay designers then it’s no wonder they are bitter and evil) I started looking for alternatives.

When the paper wants to pay minimum wage to someone with years of experience, and local businesses haven’t got the money to hire people to do the marketing and advertising they need…and a small adult website was willing to pay me $800 a week…guess who I decided to work for? It’s a no brainer for me. My kids need to eat, I took the job.

And after working with these people…I’d prefer them to the hypocritical, supposedly Christian, bible thumpers here (there are way too many customers from these local isp’s for them to all be as pure as they claim). The webmasters I work with are honest, they make contributions to charity, they are fighting child exploitment, they are the ones watching the internet and getting the scumbags that do that to kids thrown in jail. Who do you think tips off the government? Sure wasn’t that neighbor who got busted for molesting a 9 year old…that CHRISTIAN all the neighbors and the family swear is a fine upstanding man. Nope, it’s adult webmasters who are in a position to alert someone when their is a dirtbag on the net. But these same people get “exposed” by the ignorant, they lose their day jobs, they are ostracized by society…the same society that pays $35 a month to join their porn sites. It’s disgusting.

Ok, so now you all know I have designed adult sites. Honestly, I design all sites. I work for myself now. I will design anything as long as it’s legal. I’m also good and I’m not cheap anymore due to what I’ve learned in the adult industry. I’ve also learned about business and networking from these people. And they are more in touch with reality than the clueless sheeple that walk around being shocked when someone owns an adult site.

If people would stop worrying about what everyone else is doing, and start taking care of their own world…this would be a much nicer place to live. And if the guy that I pay to fix my car also owns an adult website…well then, more power to him! I wish him the best.

You know, the losers who exposed this poor man could have at least linked to his sites so he’d get the benefit of some inbound links.

What a waste.

Barbaro and New Bolton Center deserves yet another “Thank You”

I’m really tired of being a bitter twisted bitch that just finds the negative in life and forgets to focus on the positive.  I’m gonna leave the whole voting thing alone for now.  Mostly because it appears to have been understood by more people than I imagined and I was wrong when interpretting it.  I do think that these things should be worded more simply, and there are still people who aren’t sure how the “simple explanation” in the paper today had anything to do with that convoluted paragraph that was on the ballet.  So, I’m not gonna dwell on how the election people either screwed up or tried to sway the vote, but on how to make sure it doesn’t happen in the future.  I’m not sure how that is done, but I’ll be checking into it


Ok, now…there are some people that just inspire you to be your best no matter what life piles on your plate.  There are some animals too.  I spent a few years of my life going to college while working and commuting in NYC.  My goal was to become a veterinarian.  There were no veterinary schools in NJ so my targets were the two closest…Cornell and the University of Pennsylvania.  During my time of getting enough credits to get into Pre-Vet classes, I got pregnant.  This alone was not a reason to stop going to school.  Running to throw up every 5 minutes during lessons and lectures…that was enough of a reason to stop going to school.  I couldn’t keep interrupting everyone else just to reach my goal, so I put it on hold.

So now you have a bit of a background on my secret goals…and yes, if the chance presents itself, I’m going back to school.  I am also obsessed with horses, so naturally, my choice would have been to focus on large animals when I got to that point in my education. I had some pretty well defined goals and dreams.  Some day soon I might just take them out of the shoebox that I stuffed them in when I chose to get married and give up my soul. (did I say I wasn’t gonna be bitter?) 


Alright, on to the purpose of this post.  I watch the Triple Crown every year.  I love the energy of horse racing…I can feel the rush even when I’m watching from home.  I’ve been watching since I was a kid, and I remember being totally distraught when I passed 5′ 0″ because I felt that my chances of becoming a jockey had just flown out the window.  Well, at 5′ 7″, I’m surely never going to get to ride in a race…but I still connect with the whole thing.  It’s wonderful.  It’s inspiring…it’s like a small example of life.  You rush out of the gate with a goal in mind and if you push yourself and if you keep on course…you are gonna finish the race.  You will reach the goal.  You might not win…but you finished! You accomplished it!  And then…there are some horses that touch your heart, that make you feel like getting out and reaching a few of those finish lines a day.  You watch their races and you walk away with a sense that anything in the world can be attained.  All you need is the determination that they have shown for that few minutes on the track.  All you need is a portion of their spirit and you could achieve anything you set out to do.  Barbaro is one of those horses.  After winning the Kentucky Derby, people were feeling that this, this horse…He was gonna break the long dry spell of Triple Crown Winners.  He had what it takes to win all three races.  He was going to inspire more people that he could ever imagine just by winning three horse races.  People would stay home from work, run to the nearest sports bar if they did work, just to watch the races.  People would be talking about Barbaro for a long time to come.  At least this is what I was feeling…and I was right.  Sort of.  Barbaro did win the Derby.  He started the Preakness.  He got everyone’s nerves in a bunch by breaking from the gate early and alone.  He had to be walked back,  examined and reloaded.  Then the whole field left the gate with the bell and….something went horribly, horribly wrong.  Barbaro was pulled up by Prado and the entire crowd forgot that there was still a race going on.  All eyes were on Barbaro as he limped on three legs, holding his hind leg up in a serious manner.  He had shattered, not just broken, he SHATTERED 3 bones in his leg into 20+ pieces.  For most horses, this would have been the end of their life.  But thankfully, Barbaro’s owners,  Gretchen and Roy Jackson saw a chance and decided to take it.  If he wasn’t going to be in pain, they were willing to do whatever it took to save him.  And thousands of fans are glad that they did.

I keep up with Barbaro on a regular basis.  No, I don’t talk to the horse, but I check on his progress via the internet.  There was a time when I was scared to see what was happening, especially when he developed laminitis.  I checked the New Bolton Center’s website for their newsmagazine today and found Barbaro on the cover.  The article was a good one, written from the point of view of the school so it’s not the typical fan article.  This one was meant for the school to read, but it lets you in on how great a place it truly is.  I’m so sorry that I missed the opportunity to study there.  Who knows?  Someday I still might.

New Bolton Center deserves some major thanks from everyone who has been inspired by Barbaro’s spirit and for letting us all in to watch as they saved a life, and gave us all a little bit of hope.
THANK YOU NEW BOLTON CENTER!!!

Oh! And while you are checking out the main site and progress on Barbaro, consider making a donation to the Barbaro fund.  No, it’s not to pay for Barbaro’s care, but to help fund the hospital that has saved him from being destroyed and can help countless other animals with their skills.
Now that I’m feeling inspired to change the world…I’m gonna go get ready for a ballet recital.  I’ll speak to you all later