so he’s still not speaking to me. I got a quick “bye” this morning. Am I supposed to be upset? I’m not sure yet.
I’m fluxuating between slight feelings of hopelessness and being completely pissed off. Who am I pissed at? Me mostly. I let this get this far and it ticks me off that I didn’t have the guts to do something ages ago. But, it’s not ages ago anymore, it’s today. And today I am doing something about it. I just don’t know what. What do I do next? Do I ask him to go to counseling as I had planned last night? I am certain he won’t go, but do I ask out of obligation to a relationship that I promised to do my best in? And when are we no longer “obligated” to keep trying?
The part that now is my primary concern is the girls. They are clueless to the current goings-on. That is purely due to the fact that they have company over. Normally, they’d have picked up on this the minute bad vibes started shooting around the house. They are both incredibly perceptive which will make lying to them a very bad thing to do. I’ll have to talk to them later today, after their friend goes home. They at least need to know that they are not responsible for ANY of the bad feelings their dad and I are feeling. They are gonna need lots of extra hugs in the next few months I think. And I know how the dreaded talk that I will have with them, unfortunately. My son handled his father and I breaking up fairly well, only because we both acted like adults and cared more about our son than about our selves. That was 17 years ago and he is still speaking to me, daily, a few times a day (which is more than he spoke to me when he was still living at home LOL ). He’s not too messed up of an adult. Hey! He went and gave blood the other day! I am so proud!! Ok, I’ve veered off the subject a bit haven’t I? Sorry.
I guess if I’m thinking of all this, then I see no real hope for the future of the relationship. That is a very sad thing.
I have more thoughts but I also have three little girls running around, breakfast dishes to wash and a coffee to locate (I swear it grows legs and hides on me every chance it gets). I have to go get some stuff done.
:)
Wednesday, March 21, 2007
Tuesday, March 20, 2007
A new life…a new look
I think that most people do something drastic to declare their independence or to mark change in their world. They cut or color their hair in an entirely new way. They go nuts and paint the house something wonderfully “them”. They just step out of the normal path and do something that screams, ‘I’m me! I’m alive! I’ll survive!!”
I’m sure I’ll eventually get to all of the above, but for starters, I finally gave my blog a face it could be proud of. Or at least a face that is all it’s own. It’s unique. It’s not a cookie cutter template that I found for free somewhere. It’s all mine. And I made it. Yes, I MADE it. As in designed, fiddled with php and css for hours on end and then uploaded and confused at least 70 people while I touched up the final steps. I made it and I like it. It’s really a work in progress though, much like my life. I am missing something vital that I wanted to add, I just don’t know what that is exactly. I’m sure I’ll know when I find it.
Today marks a new life for me. Whether that life involves divorce we shall see, but I certainly set in motion a chain of events that will either break or fix this relationship post haste.
Without going into great detail, purely because I see no reason to relive that particular few hours of my life at this time, I will say that I finally reached my limit. I have had enormous amounts of frustrated rage festering in my soul for years. And today I just totally could not hold it in any longer. I see no reason why I should suffer and in turn make our children suffer (they get a mom with a short fuse and no sense of humor when they did nothing to deserve such things) and I won’t do it any longer. Of course, in true fashion, when I blew up…he walked out. And I felt such an enormous amount of relief. It was wonderful. And then he came back a few hours later. I have never been so disappointed.
I’ve come to terms with the fact that the person I married is dead and gone and never coming back. It really only hit me that this was true when he left and I was not one bit sorry to see him go. I even searched for some bit of emotion…anything but anger, that I have plenty of. But I have no feelings about our relationship left. Well, the anger but that isn’t exactly a healthy feeling. :-)
So, he left, he came back, he says he refuses to speak to me and then starts talking to me 5 minutes later…he’s sadly in need of therapy, only he refuses to get any outside help because he doesn’t want anyone knowing our business. Do you think he’d shit bricks if he knew about the blog?? LOL Well, with his attitude towards therapy, and the fact that we can’t have a conversation that is productive and doesn’t involve him throwing a temper tantrum…I’d say the whole thing is a lost cause. I think that at this point it’s insane to even keep the charade going.
I know that tomorrow morning he is going to try to act like it was just a bad night, or maybe he won’t be speaking to me still. He’s like that…you never know how he’s gonna try to keep his world status quo. But I do know that I can’t live like this any longer. If it means upsetting my kids and selling my house and moving in with my mom and starting my life over without the Sheriff knocking on my door once a week to serve me with papers for something related to something he did and would not let me have any input on….then I say “Bring it on! I’m up for an adventure.”
And now, since he’s barricaded himself in my bedroom and I have the girls and their friend sleeping in the family room…I guess I’ll go crash on the couch next to the girls and at least have someone who loves me next to me for the night. And I couldn’t ask for a better set of girls to love me. I am truly grateful for their being in my life, and I have never regretted marrying him simply because I have the most awesome kids on the planet and I’d never want it any other way.
I’m off to bed. Goodnight!!
:)
I’m sure I’ll eventually get to all of the above, but for starters, I finally gave my blog a face it could be proud of. Or at least a face that is all it’s own. It’s unique. It’s not a cookie cutter template that I found for free somewhere. It’s all mine. And I made it. Yes, I MADE it. As in designed, fiddled with php and css for hours on end and then uploaded and confused at least 70 people while I touched up the final steps. I made it and I like it. It’s really a work in progress though, much like my life. I am missing something vital that I wanted to add, I just don’t know what that is exactly. I’m sure I’ll know when I find it.
Today marks a new life for me. Whether that life involves divorce we shall see, but I certainly set in motion a chain of events that will either break or fix this relationship post haste.
Without going into great detail, purely because I see no reason to relive that particular few hours of my life at this time, I will say that I finally reached my limit. I have had enormous amounts of frustrated rage festering in my soul for years. And today I just totally could not hold it in any longer. I see no reason why I should suffer and in turn make our children suffer (they get a mom with a short fuse and no sense of humor when they did nothing to deserve such things) and I won’t do it any longer. Of course, in true fashion, when I blew up…he walked out. And I felt such an enormous amount of relief. It was wonderful. And then he came back a few hours later. I have never been so disappointed.
I’ve come to terms with the fact that the person I married is dead and gone and never coming back. It really only hit me that this was true when he left and I was not one bit sorry to see him go. I even searched for some bit of emotion…anything but anger, that I have plenty of. But I have no feelings about our relationship left. Well, the anger but that isn’t exactly a healthy feeling. :-)
So, he left, he came back, he says he refuses to speak to me and then starts talking to me 5 minutes later…he’s sadly in need of therapy, only he refuses to get any outside help because he doesn’t want anyone knowing our business. Do you think he’d shit bricks if he knew about the blog?? LOL Well, with his attitude towards therapy, and the fact that we can’t have a conversation that is productive and doesn’t involve him throwing a temper tantrum…I’d say the whole thing is a lost cause. I think that at this point it’s insane to even keep the charade going.
I know that tomorrow morning he is going to try to act like it was just a bad night, or maybe he won’t be speaking to me still. He’s like that…you never know how he’s gonna try to keep his world status quo. But I do know that I can’t live like this any longer. If it means upsetting my kids and selling my house and moving in with my mom and starting my life over without the Sheriff knocking on my door once a week to serve me with papers for something related to something he did and would not let me have any input on….then I say “Bring it on! I’m up for an adventure.”
And now, since he’s barricaded himself in my bedroom and I have the girls and their friend sleeping in the family room…I guess I’ll go crash on the couch next to the girls and at least have someone who loves me next to me for the night. And I couldn’t ask for a better set of girls to love me. I am truly grateful for their being in my life, and I have never regretted marrying him simply because I have the most awesome kids on the planet and I’d never want it any other way.
I’m off to bed. Goodnight!!
:)
Wednesday, March 07, 2007
Why do my allergies act up worse in the winter than in the summer?
I know that plant life doesn’t actually ever go dormant here, but for the love of Pete! they can stop blooming or sprouting or whatever it is that makes my allergies go nuts. Just for a little while. I really would expect a bit of a reprieve in the winter but I guess not.
The allergies totally kick my ass. I mean I’m pretty much useless. I drive the kids to classes and smile and nod…but don’t ask me to hook up a dvd recorder (which my friend unfortunately did yesterday during a particularly bad day - I’ll have to call and apologize for abandoning that project after 5 minutes).
I do have Claritan that mom bought and brought me last night. She had to buy it for me. Not because I couldn’t afford it, but because some moron decided when and how much I could buy at a time. This stupid law that says you can’t buy Claritan-D without ID and swearing on your firstborn that you are using it for you. AND them keeping track of it all in a computer database is just beyond ignorant. I mean, WTF is selling me enough pills to take for a month at a time going to do? Is it really that easy to make whatever drug it is that they make? AND why do the employees at the drug store tell me I can’t have any because I bought it too recently even when I haven’t? And when I complain no one seems to have a clue. I mean, I’m giving some employee at the drug store - not even a pharmacist, just a cashier in most cases - my ID (which they copy everything off of) and signature…who says they aren’t using this info to buy boxes of the crap for friends who are drug maker/pusher/users/whatevers? It’s not an incredibly foolproof system. It’s the stuff that total idiots who’ve never really dealt with reality come up with.
So, now that my evil bitch side is loose in the blog, I should really just drink my damned Red Bull and go clean up the kitchen so I can start school. I think she’s had enough soapbox time today. Oh! The kids are starting to clean up their dishes, so I guess I really do have to go.
Have a wonderful day…I might be back, I might not…I’ve seen my record for showing up every day so…I guarantee nothing! LOL
:)
The allergies totally kick my ass. I mean I’m pretty much useless. I drive the kids to classes and smile and nod…but don’t ask me to hook up a dvd recorder (which my friend unfortunately did yesterday during a particularly bad day - I’ll have to call and apologize for abandoning that project after 5 minutes).
I do have Claritan that mom bought and brought me last night. She had to buy it for me. Not because I couldn’t afford it, but because some moron decided when and how much I could buy at a time. This stupid law that says you can’t buy Claritan-D without ID and swearing on your firstborn that you are using it for you. AND them keeping track of it all in a computer database is just beyond ignorant. I mean, WTF is selling me enough pills to take for a month at a time going to do? Is it really that easy to make whatever drug it is that they make? AND why do the employees at the drug store tell me I can’t have any because I bought it too recently even when I haven’t? And when I complain no one seems to have a clue. I mean, I’m giving some employee at the drug store - not even a pharmacist, just a cashier in most cases - my ID (which they copy everything off of) and signature…who says they aren’t using this info to buy boxes of the crap for friends who are drug maker/pusher/users/whatevers? It’s not an incredibly foolproof system. It’s the stuff that total idiots who’ve never really dealt with reality come up with.
So, now that my evil bitch side is loose in the blog, I should really just drink my damned Red Bull and go clean up the kitchen so I can start school. I think she’s had enough soapbox time today. Oh! The kids are starting to clean up their dishes, so I guess I really do have to go.
Have a wonderful day…I might be back, I might not…I’ve seen my record for showing up every day so…I guarantee nothing! LOL
:)
Friday, February 23, 2007
School, Work, and Visualizing my future…
I think it’s definitely one of Murphy’s Laws that states “At exactly the same time you desperately need a day off due to hormone related exhaustion will be when everyone in their mother needs a rush job done”. Ok, maybe not exactly but something in that neighborhood.
I’m so wiped out. But I’m gonna have a coffee, breakfast and this stuff mom bought me that you mix with juice or whatever…it’s basically greens (blue-green algae and some other stuff I can’t remember and I’m not getting up to see right now) in a powder form. I throw it and some juice and a banana in the Bullet (mixer) and make myself a smoothie. It’s green. The girls like to make lots of gross faces and noises but it’s not bad. But I also like to drink things like Green Goodness. When I was a kid, I used to think I had been a horse in a previous life (probably just an attempt to escape my own unhappy body for the moment) but I really enjoy eating these things that would be right up a horses alley. I love greens (anything green, from different types of grasses (yes, they are in some of these drinks I get at the health food store, and when I am more awake I might remember what they are called)…I love oats…I love fruit…I can also eat an entire onion raw (something I’ve only ever seen done by horses). Now, I’m not trying to prove that I was a horse (I don’t really believe that with quite the same intensity). I’m just pointing out that I eat an awful lot of food that horses would enjoy sharing with me.
So, speaking of horses…I had a thought. I’ve always wanted horses. I want a small farm where I can have about 5-6 horses, as well as various other creatures. But I never really made an effort to get what I want. I never had a clear (I have some fuzzy ones) picture in my head of exactly what I want. Now, according to both Maxwell Maltz (Psycho-Cybernetics) and Tony Robbins (Personal Power, Etc.) you must visualize what your goal is. You need to give your own personal success mechanism a target in order for it to work. And the personal success mechanism (I could be wrong on the exact term used, like I said I’m not awake and haven’t had coffee yet) is basically a more complex version of an animal survival instinct. Animals are more simple, they only require that they find food, stay safe from predators and reproduce. (Hmm…sounds like some men I know) But a human version is more complex due to the fact that we can choose what we want. It is also compared to a guided missile. You set it free with a target. It receives input (positive - it does nothing because it’s still on course, and negative - which causes it to make adjustments to get back on course) along the way and reaches the exact target that you told it to hit. That is what the visualization of a goal is. You visualize what it is you want. Vividly. You convince your mind that it’s real, you just haven’t gotten there yet. And that is where you are headed. And then you set yourself off in that right direction and you make adjustments when you get negative feedback telling you that you are off course. Now, negative feedback is not your husband telling you that you are in idiot for wanting such a thing. Or that you are out of your mind if you think you can handle that when you get it. No! That’s a negative asshole, you just smile and nod and keep going. Actually, I’d say that is positive feedback in some cases. At least in my experience, when I’m on course and doing what I feel is right, I’m being attacked from the outside (by him mostly) with things that he thinks will make me stop this insane behavior. BUT if I realize it is what it is…positive feedback, then I can ignore it since I am on course and don’t need to make corrections.
I think I’m babbling now…I had a point to that whole paragraph. Maybe after school and some food I can finish it. Also my brain has so much in it I can’t type fast enough to keep up. But basically…A horse farm is my goal. I need to think about it vividly and hell..I’m an artist…maybe I’ll even draw what I want. And make it my header on the blog so I see it every freaking day. :-)
I need coffee and breakfast. And it’s getting close to school time. “How it’s Made” (on Discovery - GREAT program, btw) is going off in 25 minutes and then the girls will be ready for school. Gotta run.
See ya’ll later!!
:)
I’m so wiped out. But I’m gonna have a coffee, breakfast and this stuff mom bought me that you mix with juice or whatever…it’s basically greens (blue-green algae and some other stuff I can’t remember and I’m not getting up to see right now) in a powder form. I throw it and some juice and a banana in the Bullet (mixer) and make myself a smoothie. It’s green. The girls like to make lots of gross faces and noises but it’s not bad. But I also like to drink things like Green Goodness. When I was a kid, I used to think I had been a horse in a previous life (probably just an attempt to escape my own unhappy body for the moment) but I really enjoy eating these things that would be right up a horses alley. I love greens (anything green, from different types of grasses (yes, they are in some of these drinks I get at the health food store, and when I am more awake I might remember what they are called)…I love oats…I love fruit…I can also eat an entire onion raw (something I’ve only ever seen done by horses). Now, I’m not trying to prove that I was a horse (I don’t really believe that with quite the same intensity). I’m just pointing out that I eat an awful lot of food that horses would enjoy sharing with me.
So, speaking of horses…I had a thought. I’ve always wanted horses. I want a small farm where I can have about 5-6 horses, as well as various other creatures. But I never really made an effort to get what I want. I never had a clear (I have some fuzzy ones) picture in my head of exactly what I want. Now, according to both Maxwell Maltz (Psycho-Cybernetics) and Tony Robbins (Personal Power, Etc.) you must visualize what your goal is. You need to give your own personal success mechanism a target in order for it to work. And the personal success mechanism (I could be wrong on the exact term used, like I said I’m not awake and haven’t had coffee yet) is basically a more complex version of an animal survival instinct. Animals are more simple, they only require that they find food, stay safe from predators and reproduce. (Hmm…sounds like some men I know) But a human version is more complex due to the fact that we can choose what we want. It is also compared to a guided missile. You set it free with a target. It receives input (positive - it does nothing because it’s still on course, and negative - which causes it to make adjustments to get back on course) along the way and reaches the exact target that you told it to hit. That is what the visualization of a goal is. You visualize what it is you want. Vividly. You convince your mind that it’s real, you just haven’t gotten there yet. And that is where you are headed. And then you set yourself off in that right direction and you make adjustments when you get negative feedback telling you that you are off course. Now, negative feedback is not your husband telling you that you are in idiot for wanting such a thing. Or that you are out of your mind if you think you can handle that when you get it. No! That’s a negative asshole, you just smile and nod and keep going. Actually, I’d say that is positive feedback in some cases. At least in my experience, when I’m on course and doing what I feel is right, I’m being attacked from the outside (by him mostly) with things that he thinks will make me stop this insane behavior. BUT if I realize it is what it is…positive feedback, then I can ignore it since I am on course and don’t need to make corrections.
I think I’m babbling now…I had a point to that whole paragraph. Maybe after school and some food I can finish it. Also my brain has so much in it I can’t type fast enough to keep up. But basically…A horse farm is my goal. I need to think about it vividly and hell..I’m an artist…maybe I’ll even draw what I want. And make it my header on the blog so I see it every freaking day. :-)
I need coffee and breakfast. And it’s getting close to school time. “How it’s Made” (on Discovery - GREAT program, btw) is going off in 25 minutes and then the girls will be ready for school. Gotta run.
See ya’ll later!!
:)
Wednesday, February 21, 2007
I am so behind...
...on everything.
Hubby was home for a few weeks after getting laid off. He was also using my computer to study for a course he needed to get licensed for the new job that he had actually gotten right before getting laid off. That took two weeks. Of course, if he hadn’t dumped scotch on his own laptop before he got laid off, then he wouldn’t have had to use mine but we won’t go there today.
I’m working like a fiend to clean this house up. I honestly do not know why I can’t keep things under control when he’s home. Perhaps it’s because he keeps interrupting, or he is demanding all of the house activity revolve around him? Of course, it doesn’t, which ticks him off big time. I swear he thinks that he’s the center of the universe sometimes.
So. He’s working. It’s only classes this week really. So he’s informed me that he will most likely be home tomorrow and Friday AND Saturday AND Sunday. *sigh*
He supposedly has 2 jobs. One isn’t to start til next week and he’s not 100% sure he can even pull them both off. I guess we’ll find out next week.
OH! We started going to a co-op so the girls could take new classes. Actually, we are following their ballet teacher and since the little one doesn’t want to take ballet anymore, she’s doing a science class at that same time. She seems to have had a great time last week. Maybe she’ll let me leave her in the room without me staying next to her this week.
And I just re-remembered (yes I remembered earlier but sort of blew it off) that it’s my anniversary. So I guess I should try to do something nice. Not sure what when I have almost no money but I think I can come up with something.
I have a $10 gift card from Target…maybe I can buy something for his fish there. He brought home 3 and put them in a small tank on the desk. Then the female started spewing babies so we grabbed the Beta out and tossed him in a snifter glass since he was trying to eat all the babies. Now he is in the glass looking miserable and the cat is watching it closely…and since they are his fish…buying him another small tank would be a gift for him. right? Oh whatever. If all of these babies live, I’m gonna need to pull one of the 65 gallon tanks out of the garage and put it in here just for them. There are tons of the little suckers.
Ok, I’m off to figure out what to get him.
Later!!
:)
Hubby was home for a few weeks after getting laid off. He was also using my computer to study for a course he needed to get licensed for the new job that he had actually gotten right before getting laid off. That took two weeks. Of course, if he hadn’t dumped scotch on his own laptop before he got laid off, then he wouldn’t have had to use mine but we won’t go there today.
I’m working like a fiend to clean this house up. I honestly do not know why I can’t keep things under control when he’s home. Perhaps it’s because he keeps interrupting, or he is demanding all of the house activity revolve around him? Of course, it doesn’t, which ticks him off big time. I swear he thinks that he’s the center of the universe sometimes.
So. He’s working. It’s only classes this week really. So he’s informed me that he will most likely be home tomorrow and Friday AND Saturday AND Sunday. *sigh*
He supposedly has 2 jobs. One isn’t to start til next week and he’s not 100% sure he can even pull them both off. I guess we’ll find out next week.
OH! We started going to a co-op so the girls could take new classes. Actually, we are following their ballet teacher and since the little one doesn’t want to take ballet anymore, she’s doing a science class at that same time. She seems to have had a great time last week. Maybe she’ll let me leave her in the room without me staying next to her this week.
And I just re-remembered (yes I remembered earlier but sort of blew it off) that it’s my anniversary. So I guess I should try to do something nice. Not sure what when I have almost no money but I think I can come up with something.
I have a $10 gift card from Target…maybe I can buy something for his fish there. He brought home 3 and put them in a small tank on the desk. Then the female started spewing babies so we grabbed the Beta out and tossed him in a snifter glass since he was trying to eat all the babies. Now he is in the glass looking miserable and the cat is watching it closely…and since they are his fish…buying him another small tank would be a gift for him. right? Oh whatever. If all of these babies live, I’m gonna need to pull one of the 65 gallon tanks out of the garage and put it in here just for them. There are tons of the little suckers.
Ok, I’m off to figure out what to get him.
Later!!
:)
Tuesday, January 16, 2007
Saw the comet, kids are thrilled :)
We raced down to the beach to watch the comet (it’s only like 1/4 mile from my house) and the kids were just ecstatic about seeing it. You had to catch it just as the sun went down because that sucker was out of sight within a short time. Mom got pics but you gotta know what you are looking for or you’d miss it.
At least the kids enjoyed, that is what counts. Tomorrow we’ll have even more discussions about comets. We’ve been talking about them for the last few days. I got my telescope down yesterday but haven’t had a chance to get it out yet. I’ll probably have to clean the lenses, it’s been in storage for years and my husbands considerate friend lost the lens covers back when we lived in NJ. I have no idea if I covered them with something or was so disgusted at it all that I just put it in as-is and never expected to get it out again. I guess I’ll see when we go bust it out of its box.
I am exhausted so I’m going to go to bed now. Hopefully I’ll have energy to write tomorrow.
nite!
:)
At least the kids enjoyed, that is what counts. Tomorrow we’ll have even more discussions about comets. We’ve been talking about them for the last few days. I got my telescope down yesterday but haven’t had a chance to get it out yet. I’ll probably have to clean the lenses, it’s been in storage for years and my husbands considerate friend lost the lens covers back when we lived in NJ. I have no idea if I covered them with something or was so disgusted at it all that I just put it in as-is and never expected to get it out again. I guess I’ll see when we go bust it out of its box.
I am exhausted so I’m going to go to bed now. Hopefully I’ll have energy to write tomorrow.
nite!
:)
Friday, January 05, 2007
today, so far (not unemployed, school, wall texturing, painting and work)
ok, I’ve had way too much Red Bull…so bear with me. 
Hubby went to work expecting to quit (his boss is cutting everyone’s pay by 50%) and go get jobs in local restaurants. Somehow he said no, boss said nevermind. Weirdness. OH, and then he’s offered to lease us the place. Insanity, I tell you. It’s got to be. We should take his offer before someone Baker Acts him.
We’ve started classes again today. We were on a break to reorganize our school area. It’s pretty good now and we’ve so far gone through Language and Math and now they are both painting. They started paintings for their Great Grandmother and hope to finish in time to give them to her the next time we see her.
I’m working on the bathroom, again. I quit a while back for lack of time and ambition. I’m doing a knockdown pattern which is halfway done. I hope to get it all up and knock it down tomorrow when I’ve gone and got the proper tool. My friend lent me hers to start and I need to go get my own now. I hope they aren’t too expensive.
I also want to get an over the toilet shelf for my bathroom. We have this monstrosity, wire shelf thing that is horrid. it’s in the middle of the bathroom with a stack of Playboys and towels. He refuses to leave them up where the girls can’t see them so I’ll hide the damned things and throw out that awful shelf so he can’t keep them there.
I had some jobs to finish today as well. I’m sure I’ll get them done later. I have so much to do but so far we are on schedule. That is just as motivating as the Red Bulls. I get so much energy when I look at the clock and realize it’s 2 hours earlier than I thought. And I’ve just finished way ahead of time!
Woohoo!!
Ok, going to eat and finish my bathroom. See you all later!!
Hubby went to work expecting to quit (his boss is cutting everyone’s pay by 50%) and go get jobs in local restaurants. Somehow he said no, boss said nevermind. Weirdness. OH, and then he’s offered to lease us the place. Insanity, I tell you. It’s got to be. We should take his offer before someone Baker Acts him.
We’ve started classes again today. We were on a break to reorganize our school area. It’s pretty good now and we’ve so far gone through Language and Math and now they are both painting. They started paintings for their Great Grandmother and hope to finish in time to give them to her the next time we see her.
I’m working on the bathroom, again. I quit a while back for lack of time and ambition. I’m doing a knockdown pattern which is halfway done. I hope to get it all up and knock it down tomorrow when I’ve gone and got the proper tool. My friend lent me hers to start and I need to go get my own now. I hope they aren’t too expensive.
I also want to get an over the toilet shelf for my bathroom. We have this monstrosity, wire shelf thing that is horrid. it’s in the middle of the bathroom with a stack of Playboys and towels. He refuses to leave them up where the girls can’t see them so I’ll hide the damned things and throw out that awful shelf so he can’t keep them there.
I had some jobs to finish today as well. I’m sure I’ll get them done later. I have so much to do but so far we are on schedule. That is just as motivating as the Red Bulls. I get so much energy when I look at the clock and realize it’s 2 hours earlier than I thought. And I’ve just finished way ahead of time!
Woohoo!!
Ok, going to eat and finish my bathroom. See you all later!!
Monday, January 01, 2007
Happy New Year!
I’m only popping in to wish you a Happy New Year…I’ve not slept in 2 days, I’m exhausted, I still have laundry to finish and a bed to make. I need to get myself in bed asap or I’m gonna wake up on the floor in the morning. I’ll go into detail about my holiday tomorrow, but for now I just wanted to say hi!
:)
:)
Wednesday, December 27, 2006
Sometimes life is just so exhausting
I’m going to drag on about being tired still. Sorry. I think the sudden lack of anticipation, the ability to stop and not run out to a store for a gift or more food for the holiday dinner is taking it’s toll. And the kids are just losing their minds. They are so behind on sleep that they can’t function properly.
Mom and I have started making sure they eat more often (as part of an experiment with moods) and that they sat and rested at least an hour, twice today. That did help a bit. They were going full speed for the last two weeks. It’s enough to make an adult crazy, but a 5 and 7 yr old hasn’t got the capability of reasoning with themselves when they are tired. Or at least most don’t. Ok, Mine don’t. I really can’t say what others do. I know when they get tired, it’s a monumental thing to have them understand what you are trying to tell them. They cry, they throw a fit, they don’t hear you no matter if you are agreeing with them or not. It’s very nerve-wracking.
Well, I have one more job to finish tonight. And a stack of blog entries to prewrite (not for here, for my design site) so I don’t have to come up with ideas when I’m too busy to focus on what color selector is best or how to create a pen and ink drawing in Photoshop.
I might be back if I get done and the coffee has really kicked in. That happens most nights. Just as I’m ready to sleep…whatever I’ve done to stay up will actually start to work. Mind you…I am talking about things working hours after they’ve been taken. It’s not like I drink a mug of coffee at 1am and expect to fall asleep at 2am. I mean I drink a coffee at 10pm and at 2am I’m suddenly wide awake. It could be that I’m naturally a night-owl and not the coffee at all though.
Anyway, gotta run and paint some things for a client. See ya’ll later.
:)
Mom and I have started making sure they eat more often (as part of an experiment with moods) and that they sat and rested at least an hour, twice today. That did help a bit. They were going full speed for the last two weeks. It’s enough to make an adult crazy, but a 5 and 7 yr old hasn’t got the capability of reasoning with themselves when they are tired. Or at least most don’t. Ok, Mine don’t. I really can’t say what others do. I know when they get tired, it’s a monumental thing to have them understand what you are trying to tell them. They cry, they throw a fit, they don’t hear you no matter if you are agreeing with them or not. It’s very nerve-wracking.
Well, I have one more job to finish tonight. And a stack of blog entries to prewrite (not for here, for my design site) so I don’t have to come up with ideas when I’m too busy to focus on what color selector is best or how to create a pen and ink drawing in Photoshop.
I might be back if I get done and the coffee has really kicked in. That happens most nights. Just as I’m ready to sleep…whatever I’ve done to stay up will actually start to work. Mind you…I am talking about things working hours after they’ve been taken. It’s not like I drink a mug of coffee at 1am and expect to fall asleep at 2am. I mean I drink a coffee at 10pm and at 2am I’m suddenly wide awake. It could be that I’m naturally a night-owl and not the coffee at all though.
Anyway, gotta run and paint some things for a client. See ya’ll later.
:)
I should never have taken time off
I’m so tired all the time now. I can’t get back into the groove. 
OH well, no choice but to do it really. I’ve already worked 4 hours today, and I’ve napped through the Grinch, A Year Without A Santa Claus and Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer.
AND I’ve had Red Bull, coffee, ice cream and breakfast and lunch. There are no excuses for being this tired.
I’m also freezing my behind off. At 57 degrees I broke down and turned on the heat. Now I’ll have to listen to him bitch when he gets home about how hot it is in here. I think I’ll put duct tape over the thermostat and threaten to give him a hickey on his forehead if he touches it.
One of my daughters accidentally gave herself a hickey while watching tv. She was just sucking on her arm and totally freaked when she saw the result. Everyone who came for Christmas wanted to know what she had done to herself. She was very embarrassed, although I don’t know why, no one gave her any reason for her to be so.
Ok, I’m gonna make coffee and come back in to work. I also have a list to make for myself. I might get to that this evening. And the hubby and I had another…um,…I can’t even call it a discussion because it was more me talking and everything I said he took totally can completely wrong. I swear sometimes I wonder if we are from the same planet.
I’ll see you when I get a minute later. Hope everyone is having a blast with all their wonderful Christmas gifts.
:)
OH well, no choice but to do it really. I’ve already worked 4 hours today, and I’ve napped through the Grinch, A Year Without A Santa Claus and Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer.
AND I’ve had Red Bull, coffee, ice cream and breakfast and lunch. There are no excuses for being this tired.
I’m also freezing my behind off. At 57 degrees I broke down and turned on the heat. Now I’ll have to listen to him bitch when he gets home about how hot it is in here. I think I’ll put duct tape over the thermostat and threaten to give him a hickey on his forehead if he touches it.
One of my daughters accidentally gave herself a hickey while watching tv. She was just sucking on her arm and totally freaked when she saw the result. Everyone who came for Christmas wanted to know what she had done to herself. She was very embarrassed, although I don’t know why, no one gave her any reason for her to be so.
Ok, I’m gonna make coffee and come back in to work. I also have a list to make for myself. I might get to that this evening. And the hubby and I had another…um,…I can’t even call it a discussion because it was more me talking and everything I said he took totally can completely wrong. I swear sometimes I wonder if we are from the same planet.
I’ll see you when I get a minute later. Hope everyone is having a blast with all their wonderful Christmas gifts.
:)
Sunday, December 24, 2006
Merry Christmas to everyone!
I am trying to get caught up, cleaned up and organized enough to relax from this evening until tomorrow evening.
The kids are bouncing off the walls, hubby has loads of “secret missions” going on, and I have gifts to wrap, the floors need cleaned and all of my aquatic critters need more water. The latter meaning I have to lug five 5 gallon jugs up the the water kiosk in the parking lot at the strip mall down the street. Our water in the tap would kill them all off in seconds. I have to go get decent water down the street. That is just wrong. But…anyway…
A Merry Christmas to all. And a special Christmas thought goes out to Enyo who is recovering from a rather ghastly sounding injury and Meg who is recovering from having an asshole removed from her life. Hugs and a mug of steamy hot cocoa (with homemade whipped cream) goes out to both.
I hope everyone gets all they wished for!!
See you tuesday.
:)
The kids are bouncing off the walls, hubby has loads of “secret missions” going on, and I have gifts to wrap, the floors need cleaned and all of my aquatic critters need more water. The latter meaning I have to lug five 5 gallon jugs up the the water kiosk in the parking lot at the strip mall down the street. Our water in the tap would kill them all off in seconds. I have to go get decent water down the street. That is just wrong. But…anyway…
A Merry Christmas to all. And a special Christmas thought goes out to Enyo who is recovering from a rather ghastly sounding injury and Meg who is recovering from having an asshole removed from her life. Hugs and a mug of steamy hot cocoa (with homemade whipped cream) goes out to both.
I hope everyone gets all they wished for!!
See you tuesday.
:)
Wednesday, December 20, 2006
Tooth Fairy is visiting tonight!
I had to yank my oldest daughters front tooth out of her head today. Her front tooth has been dangling. She had me look at it, started to panic and hit my hand which knocked it just about completely out except it got stuck somehow. And it started bleeding. She totally freaked. So, seeing my last opportunity to get it over with, I squeezed it (had a napkin around it already to “test” how loose it was 
) and I just held on. She did the work. She jumped and the tooth stuck for a second and then let go. And boy did it bleed!!
****
ok, about that point she started coughing like mad in her sleep and I went in to get her all fixed up. And fell asleep with her. (but not before I did the tooth fairy bit shhh!!!! )
I have to do some work, I’ll try to finish whatever was in my head yesterday when I get done.
:)
) and I just held on. She did the work. She jumped and the tooth stuck for a second and then let go. And boy did it bleed!!****
ok, about that point she started coughing like mad in her sleep and I went in to get her all fixed up. And fell asleep with her. (but not before I did the tooth fairy bit
shhh!!!! )I have to do some work, I’ll try to finish whatever was in my head yesterday when I get done.
:)
Sunday, December 17, 2006
Oh my GOD! It’s a miracle.
The hubby and I are actually really talking. Like…connecting and communicating. Although I’m skeptical, I’m also very excited. I have to make the effort on my part to not fall into old habits and he’s got to actually try too…but everyone noticed a difference today when they came over and commented to me after he left for work. He had a very different appearance, open and talkative, as if he’s been set free of something. I am going to act as if he’s really going to continue with what we said, because if I doubt him then I’ll be doing my part in making things go back to the way they were. I have to stop my old bad habits as well. The insanity has to stop somewhere. And I say it ends here.
I’m going to make an effort to be less judgemental as well as not so damned angry all the time. And I’m not saying that he’s said any of this, he didn’t say I did anything at all. We basically worked on getting him to be able to communicate with me. I don’t think he really ever had to talk to anyone before. Sure, he can talk, tell stories and entertain customers and guests, but he’s not learned to really discuss and solve problems in a relationship. And now that it’s so emotionally charged here, it’s hard to say anything without one of us blowing up at the other. So we got the painful shit out of the way (not all I’m sure, but it was a start) and then started working on a realistic plan to make our lives better…We’ve spent 14 years together and we owe it to ourselves to try one more time. We owe it to our children to teach them how to be in a relationship the right way. We don’t want them thinking that it’s normal to live like this. It’s our responsibility to be the adults, we need to start acting like parents and not like fools.
Ok, I have work to do. I’ll continue this later. I have some goals I need to meet daily…I think that this type of motivation is going to be very good.
later!
:)
I’m going to make an effort to be less judgemental as well as not so damned angry all the time. And I’m not saying that he’s said any of this, he didn’t say I did anything at all. We basically worked on getting him to be able to communicate with me. I don’t think he really ever had to talk to anyone before. Sure, he can talk, tell stories and entertain customers and guests, but he’s not learned to really discuss and solve problems in a relationship. And now that it’s so emotionally charged here, it’s hard to say anything without one of us blowing up at the other. So we got the painful shit out of the way (not all I’m sure, but it was a start) and then started working on a realistic plan to make our lives better…We’ve spent 14 years together and we owe it to ourselves to try one more time. We owe it to our children to teach them how to be in a relationship the right way. We don’t want them thinking that it’s normal to live like this. It’s our responsibility to be the adults, we need to start acting like parents and not like fools.
Ok, I have work to do. I’ll continue this later. I have some goals I need to meet daily…I think that this type of motivation is going to be very good.
later!
:)
Tonight was fun (really)
We (the kids, my mom and I) went to dinner and to see Christmas lights with friends. It was great, and these are the kind of people who laugh constantly…it was a wonderful feeling to just laugh and not care who sees you.
I have to get some sleep. I’m working but I’m dangerously close to having a keyboard stuck to my forehead.
I’ll post more of what is going on tomorrow.
:)
I have to get some sleep. I’m working but I’m dangerously close to having a keyboard stuck to my forehead.
I’ll post more of what is going on tomorrow.
:)
Friday, December 15, 2006
which way do I look at it?
I was discussing the drunk with a person I work with last night and they said something interesting. They feel that contrary to what I was thinking, a persons true self is the one you see when the shit hits the fan. And I have to admit, I think they are right and I was wrong. The person the drunk used to be was carefree, adventurous, and exciting because he had never had to deal with adversity! He’d never had to pull himself up by his bootstraps and keep going even when there seemed to be no hope. He got that rude awakening shortly after I moved in with him, when he started losing his restaurant to the landlord that didn’t want to renew the lease (at least that is how I remember it, I could be making this memory in his favor when it might not really be). I should have really seen my future then. He came completely unglued, not unlike his behaviour now. I attributed it to “stress” and blah, blah, blah…I never thought that I was seeing the true character of this man. I had an opportunity that I totally missed. But then, I’d not have my two awesome incredibly wonderful daughters if I had taken that opportunity and run like hell. At least I’m guessing I’d never have had them…what if we were all just destined to be together and I couldn’t help them do what they have to do if I hadn’t stuck around and gone through what I’ve gone through in order to be who i am now? In a convoluted way that sort of makes sense. Right now. I might come back later and wonder how I ever thought that sentence was coherent, but…whatever.
I’m behind on work because I’m giving too much energy to this shit. I’ll be back after I’ve done something to earn some money.
Oh, and did I mention he’s forcing me to pay the mortgage (we are about $1300 short on it right now) and we have no gifts for Christmas? AND he doesn’t think the loser he works for will pay him his whole check next week.
I think that we need to reevaluate our priorities and make a new game plan. He, on the other hand, will start breaking things and totally blow a gasket if I even mention the idea of paying our mortgage past the last day of the grace period (today).
and now…I’m really going to work. Really.
:)
I’m behind on work because I’m giving too much energy to this shit. I’ll be back after I’ve done something to earn some money.
Oh, and did I mention he’s forcing me to pay the mortgage (we are about $1300 short on it right now) and we have no gifts for Christmas? AND he doesn’t think the loser he works for will pay him his whole check next week.
I think that we need to reevaluate our priorities and make a new game plan. He, on the other hand, will start breaking things and totally blow a gasket if I even mention the idea of paying our mortgage past the last day of the grace period (today).
and now…I’m really going to work. Really.
:)
Thursday, December 14, 2006
We are back on the Merry-Go-Round
only I’m not having any fun. One day he’s sober and willing to be reasonable, the next he’s drunk and a complete moron. I dread doing what needs to be done to make it stop. I am so scared of what is going to happen, but I am also scared of what will happen if I don’t make this stop. I know I have support from my mom and friends, which is something I am certain a lot of people do not have and I’m grateful for their patience and offers of help. It still doesn’t make it easier. It’s like I’m frozen with fear at the thought of telling him to get out (if he’s been drinking, I see it being a very very ugly matter) or of just filing for a divorce and having him served at work. That would be a horrible thing to do though.
Why can’t he just fucking care enough about all of us to go get the help he needs??? What did we do to deserve this pain? Why am I responsible for him giving up control to scotch?
Ok, enough of the pity shit. I have work to do and no real certainty of even buying Christmas presents this year yet. If I can pull off paying the mortgage on time tomorrow it will be a freaking miracle. I’ll be happy with that for the day. Then I’ll start working on how to get gifts. Ok, I’m sure I’ll get the girls gifts. Somehow. I’ll sell a body part. Whatever. I have to get out of his way of looking at things. The mortgage, electricity, cars…yes, they are very important and have to be paid. BUT they are not the only things that are important. He focuses on what he’s not able to pay so much that they become everything to him. And to make them all go away and so he can stop his brain…he drinks a half bottle or more of scotch (it used to be a whole bottle but it’s taking less and less these days to make him pass out). I mean, I KNOW why he does it. I can see the whole evil cycle. I just can’t make him think that there is any other way. And after 14 years of being his only real emotional support…I’m just too fucking beat up and worn down to pep talk his ass out of this. I know that I put up with this shit when we were in our 20’s and had no kids. I was probably wrong for not running down the street screaming like a maniac. Regardless of that, I didn’t run. I stuck around. I saw something inside him that fit a part of me. Now, I wasn’t the most stable individual. I was depressed because the ex had taken off with my son and I had no idea where he was and no financial means of finding him til just about the time I moved in with my current husband (otherwise known as the drunk). I was having hormone problems triggered by extreme stress and I was just searching for someone who was carefree, adventurous and made me feel like I could be a better person. My husband did that. He was that. I miss my husband. I don’t have a fucking clue who this soul is that is currently living in his body but I know I don’t like him. Not one bit. He’s mean, spiteful, he sucks the energy out of an entire house by entering it, he’s miserable, he hates everyone and everything, he makes you regret speaking of any positive experience because it reminds him of what he’s lost and somehow he’s convinced that nothing is his fault and the world is out to squash him. I know everyone says the old person won’t come back, but my eternal optimism says he’s GOT to be in there. Somewhere. Please can’t he be in there somewhere? I’d crawl through the muck and mire, in the dark, as far as I’d have to crawl just to help him come back from where ever he’s been sucked down into. I really would. And I’d drag this horrible creature who has been living in his skin with me and leave it there to rot.
ok, now that I’ve completely and utterly depressed myself over the fact that I’m married to a stranger that I hate and i’m never going to see the person he once was again…i do have to work. Really. I’m not just running away, I just don’t have the energy to run right now.
:)
Why can’t he just fucking care enough about all of us to go get the help he needs??? What did we do to deserve this pain? Why am I responsible for him giving up control to scotch?
Ok, enough of the pity shit. I have work to do and no real certainty of even buying Christmas presents this year yet. If I can pull off paying the mortgage on time tomorrow it will be a freaking miracle. I’ll be happy with that for the day. Then I’ll start working on how to get gifts. Ok, I’m sure I’ll get the girls gifts. Somehow. I’ll sell a body part. Whatever. I have to get out of his way of looking at things. The mortgage, electricity, cars…yes, they are very important and have to be paid. BUT they are not the only things that are important. He focuses on what he’s not able to pay so much that they become everything to him. And to make them all go away and so he can stop his brain…he drinks a half bottle or more of scotch (it used to be a whole bottle but it’s taking less and less these days to make him pass out). I mean, I KNOW why he does it. I can see the whole evil cycle. I just can’t make him think that there is any other way. And after 14 years of being his only real emotional support…I’m just too fucking beat up and worn down to pep talk his ass out of this. I know that I put up with this shit when we were in our 20’s and had no kids. I was probably wrong for not running down the street screaming like a maniac. Regardless of that, I didn’t run. I stuck around. I saw something inside him that fit a part of me. Now, I wasn’t the most stable individual. I was depressed because the ex had taken off with my son and I had no idea where he was and no financial means of finding him til just about the time I moved in with my current husband (otherwise known as the drunk). I was having hormone problems triggered by extreme stress and I was just searching for someone who was carefree, adventurous and made me feel like I could be a better person. My husband did that. He was that. I miss my husband. I don’t have a fucking clue who this soul is that is currently living in his body but I know I don’t like him. Not one bit. He’s mean, spiteful, he sucks the energy out of an entire house by entering it, he’s miserable, he hates everyone and everything, he makes you regret speaking of any positive experience because it reminds him of what he’s lost and somehow he’s convinced that nothing is his fault and the world is out to squash him. I know everyone says the old person won’t come back, but my eternal optimism says he’s GOT to be in there. Somewhere. Please can’t he be in there somewhere? I’d crawl through the muck and mire, in the dark, as far as I’d have to crawl just to help him come back from where ever he’s been sucked down into. I really would. And I’d drag this horrible creature who has been living in his skin with me and leave it there to rot.
ok, now that I’ve completely and utterly depressed myself over the fact that I’m married to a stranger that I hate and i’m never going to see the person he once was again…i do have to work. Really. I’m not just running away, I just don’t have the energy to run right now.
:)
Tuesday, December 12, 2006
today was a better day
of course, he’s not been home all day, but still…I woke up early, walked a half mile, did school, worked, took the girls to gymnastics, made them dinner and gave them desert all before 6 and now they are playing with my old dry erase board and markers. I’m planning another half mile walk this evening. I got some work done, am catching up from being sick and THIS is the direction I want things to start heading in. Productive, healthy, fairly content, and not late for anything. It’s relieving.
I have some more things to get done, I just wanted to comment.
Oh, and I’m also thrilled that Enyo has returned to us. She hurt herself, so everyone needs to head over and give her some warm “Get Well” wishes. She can be found here: This Is My Affair . I was getting very worried about her. And it does suck when you can’t even call and say…”Are you ok? Do I need to come kill the bastard? Get you out of jail for killing the bastard?”. She’s hurt herself, but it could have been worse, so I’ll just be happy that she’s able to write again.
Gotta run now…I’ll be back.
:)
I have some more things to get done, I just wanted to comment.
Oh, and I’m also thrilled that Enyo has returned to us. She hurt herself, so everyone needs to head over and give her some warm “Get Well” wishes. She can be found here: This Is My Affair . I was getting very worried about her. And it does suck when you can’t even call and say…”Are you ok? Do I need to come kill the bastard? Get you out of jail for killing the bastard?”. She’s hurt herself, but it could have been worse, so I’ll just be happy that she’s able to write again.
Gotta run now…I’ll be back.
:)
Lots of talking done today, do I trust him?
We talked today about his horrid behaviour and the reasons behind it. He admitted he needs a counselor or someone to help him work through his issues, and to help him learn to communicate better. We’ll see how long he feels this way. In the past, it’s like him saying it was enough for him and he never followed through on actually doing it. I think it’s going to be up to me if I want to make him get help. And as tired as I am with the whole thing, I’m not willing to give up if he’s possibly going to make an effort. But like I said, we shall see…the track record so far has been spotty, at best.
I’m exhausted. I laid awake on the couch til 6am when I decided enough was enough and i was going to sleep in my own freaking bed. I didn’t sleep much there, but at least it was more comfortable. I’m going to try to get some sleep now. I have early meetings (early for me anyway) and things to do out of the house with the girls in the afternoon.
nite all
:)
I’m exhausted. I laid awake on the couch til 6am when I decided enough was enough and i was going to sleep in my own freaking bed. I didn’t sleep much there, but at least it was more comfortable. I’m going to try to get some sleep now. I have early meetings (early for me anyway) and things to do out of the house with the girls in the afternoon.
nite all
:)
Monday, December 11, 2006
I missed this due to being violently ill all weekend…
I, unfortunately, share an important date with two influential musicians. It’s not a happy date. My birthday, December 8th, is also the same day that John Lennon and “Dimebag” Darrell were murdered in the prime of their lives. It sort of keeps things in perspective for me, I think. While birthdays aren’t such a big deal to me, feeling like I’m here for a reason does mean something. I think both men made a difference, a very big one, in their respective areas. They influenced more people than I think they ever really knew.
I normally try to take a moment to be thankful that we’ve had such people around to influence those of us left behind. There is no way to thank them for their contributions, but maybe just by keeping their ideas alive we can honor them.
I also learned that a friend is going through a terrible time, her brother is in ICU after sustaining some serious injuries. Now, I am not religious - we’ve already discussed this, but I do believe in the power of positive energy (and I’m not counting out prayer..read on). I think if someone wants to live, then they will do just that. And if someone isn’t quite sure they want to fight, but others are pushing for them, then they might just sway the final outcome. If someone just does not want to continue to exist, then there isn’t anything any one of us can do. I think that considering this young mans injuries, if he really had wanted to die, he’d be gone already. For some reason, he’s hanging on. I was asked to pray for them, which I most certainly will do, but I also thought that some good thoughts (or prayers, if you rather) their way from anyone reading would help too.
I appreciate it.
I have to get some sleep now. The adrenaline rush of being in yet another battle is wearing off, my muscles are hurting and I need to get some rest.
I hope everyone has a wonderful evening. See you tomorrow.
:)
I normally try to take a moment to be thankful that we’ve had such people around to influence those of us left behind. There is no way to thank them for their contributions, but maybe just by keeping their ideas alive we can honor them.
I also learned that a friend is going through a terrible time, her brother is in ICU after sustaining some serious injuries. Now, I am not religious - we’ve already discussed this, but I do believe in the power of positive energy (and I’m not counting out prayer..read on). I think if someone wants to live, then they will do just that. And if someone isn’t quite sure they want to fight, but others are pushing for them, then they might just sway the final outcome. If someone just does not want to continue to exist, then there isn’t anything any one of us can do. I think that considering this young mans injuries, if he really had wanted to die, he’d be gone already. For some reason, he’s hanging on. I was asked to pray for them, which I most certainly will do, but I also thought that some good thoughts (or prayers, if you rather) their way from anyone reading would help too.
I appreciate it.
I have to get some sleep now. The adrenaline rush of being in yet another battle is wearing off, my muscles are hurting and I need to get some rest.
I hope everyone has a wonderful evening. See you tomorrow.
:)
Sunday, December 10, 2006
I guess the only one who is going to get me out of this hell is me
God, that sucks. These last few weeks have been busy and surreal. The more I work, the worse he gets. The more I feel good about me, the more he attacks me. Tonight was the kicker though. And I honestly think I’m just provoking him now to get him to fucking leave already. But the girls were crying and he was breaking things and it’s just gone too far. I had him at the fucking door, he was finally getting out and then the girls were just so fucking upset that I took them to their room and somehow the bastard is still here! He’s passed out in his chair in the living room. What the hell????
He was just freaking spewing hate at me tonight, I was really actually scared at one point but refused to walk away because he just pushed me over the edge. He detests me. He didn’t lose hundreds of thousands of our money..it was HIS money so I have some big balls to dare throw that in his face. This is after he blasted me for only making $1000 this month and said that I hadn’t made any money in our whole relationship (hey fucko!! I quit a $40,000 a year plus benefits and retirement to stay home because YOU wanted me to!!!) Oh, and did I mention I was there for 5 years? Paying HIS house bills. Paying for HIS car. Paying the bills he refused to open because he couldn’t pay them. I was so fucking stupid. If I hadn’t gotten the girls from this relationship I’d say it was a major mistake, but I can’t imagine the thought of existing without either of these awesome kids.
Well, after the first half of our war, he went and punched a hole in the bathroom door. Actually it’s a dent, but it’s a very old door, somewhat solid and has a full-door sized mirror on the other side. He’s fucking lucky that didn’t break. Then he smashed a cup all over the bathroom. I took pics this time. I also caught the towel rack that he ripped off the wall and his stack of Playboys that he refuses to put out of view of the girls in my pics. just in case i forget these things. It’s good to have a reminder.
So, he also says I spend all my time on the computer. (wrong) He says I neglect my kids so I can sit in here and do “whatever it is I do” on my computer. (wrong) He says I’m selfish and that I’m the most selfish motherfucker out there ( I do believe those were his exact words) and then told me I am just like my father (which would have been an attempt to hurt my feelings) and just like my mother (another attempt, I think) and then he just kept on fluctuating between calling me names and daring me to keep attacking him! I told him he drank too much, that was me attacking him. Obviously, on his planet, that warrants scaring the fuck out of your kids, coming within an inch of taking your wife’s head off (and sacrificing the door and an innocent cup instead) and walking out on your family (although somehow he never got out the door and passed out 3 ft from it in a chair instead).
And this whole time I’m thinking he’s insane. He’s flipped his fucking lid. But he hits the right buttons, because within 10 minutes I’m in tears in the girls room and can’t stop them from coming, and the girls are now sufficiently freaked out…and i kept trying to tell them it was ok, but I can’t stop crying…what if I am a horrible mom? What if I am selfish and I just don’t know it? what if I’m making their life worse? I am so full of doubt about myself right now that I’m crying again.
I have to go make myself a coffee and just get this out of my system. I’m sure I’ll be back.
Oh, and did I mention I spent friday (my birthday) and saturday puking my guts out with a 102 average fever and he was upset that I didn’t hop off the couch that I was passed out on when he got home to tend to his needs? Fucker.
Ok, I’m really going for coffee now, just had to get a little pissed to keep it all in perspective.
:)
He was just freaking spewing hate at me tonight, I was really actually scared at one point but refused to walk away because he just pushed me over the edge. He detests me. He didn’t lose hundreds of thousands of our money..it was HIS money so I have some big balls to dare throw that in his face. This is after he blasted me for only making $1000 this month and said that I hadn’t made any money in our whole relationship (hey fucko!! I quit a $40,000 a year plus benefits and retirement to stay home because YOU wanted me to!!!) Oh, and did I mention I was there for 5 years? Paying HIS house bills. Paying for HIS car. Paying the bills he refused to open because he couldn’t pay them. I was so fucking stupid. If I hadn’t gotten the girls from this relationship I’d say it was a major mistake, but I can’t imagine the thought of existing without either of these awesome kids.
Well, after the first half of our war, he went and punched a hole in the bathroom door. Actually it’s a dent, but it’s a very old door, somewhat solid and has a full-door sized mirror on the other side. He’s fucking lucky that didn’t break. Then he smashed a cup all over the bathroom. I took pics this time. I also caught the towel rack that he ripped off the wall and his stack of Playboys that he refuses to put out of view of the girls in my pics. just in case i forget these things. It’s good to have a reminder.
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| Damage he did to the door (old, heavy duty door) when he was mad at me. |
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| Broken plastic cup he blasted to bits when he threw it at the door. (Heavy duty plastic cup from our pizzeria) |
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| More bits of plastic cup |
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| Stack of Playboys, right in view of kids |
And this whole time I’m thinking he’s insane. He’s flipped his fucking lid. But he hits the right buttons, because within 10 minutes I’m in tears in the girls room and can’t stop them from coming, and the girls are now sufficiently freaked out…and i kept trying to tell them it was ok, but I can’t stop crying…what if I am a horrible mom? What if I am selfish and I just don’t know it? what if I’m making their life worse? I am so full of doubt about myself right now that I’m crying again.
I have to go make myself a coffee and just get this out of my system. I’m sure I’ll be back.
Oh, and did I mention I spent friday (my birthday) and saturday puking my guts out with a 102 average fever and he was upset that I didn’t hop off the couch that I was passed out on when he got home to tend to his needs? Fucker.
Ok, I’m really going for coffee now, just had to get a little pissed to keep it all in perspective.
:)
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