ok, life just got pushed up to the gear just past full speed…and I’m totally digging it!!

ok, right now I’m still just riding the wave.  The basics: I got a new job.  I fucking love it.  I’m doing what I love and what I’m talented at.  And I’m not telling a freaking soul til I’ve gotten at least my first paycheck cause…well, let’s just say I’m not gonna spoil anything…I’m a tad neurotic about life when things start to go right.

So.  FYI: This is reinvent myself time.  I can be whoever I wanna be.  And you know what?  I’m going for the gold. 

I’ll decypher this all later…but right now I gotta run.  Work awaits!!!

BAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

I love my job!!! 

We actually spent a nice day together and then it all went to shit

As if it could ever not go to shit.  I have to say that I think I handled myself very well.  I told him off politely and basically am planning my escape.  I’ve had it.  I’ve told him that, “Yes, you are responsible for most of our mess”.  He didn’t like that much.  I held back too.  I have years worth of shit piled up, just waiting to get out.  He’s lucky I stopped when I did, I could go on for hours and hours!

You know, I think that is one of the most infuriating things about his behaviour.  He refuses to discuss things.  Once shit goes in a direction he doesn’t like, he leaves or gets mad to deflect it all back to me.  This applies to life going in a direction he doesn’t like too.  It’s all my fault.  We are in financial ruin because I didn’t go get a minimum wage job at Starbucks yet.  It has nothing to do with him being a drunken idiot and missing the signs that his scumbag partner was getting ready to pull the multi-million dollar business they owned out from under him.  It also has nothing to do with us coming to this state with the express intent of doing one business (not food related for a change) and him panicking and putting every fucking penny we had left, after the outrageous legal bills and the puny settlement from the partner breakup, into a fucking restaurant in the very town I told him that everyone had told me to avoid like the plague (the restuarant then sucked out every single penny we had in the kids savings, IRA’s and mutual funds for the next 2 years).  No, it’s all my fault. Really.   Hey! Maybe it is.  Maybe if I had been a royal bitch we would not be in this position.  Maybe if I hadn’t trusted the person who I was married to and didn’t believe they were looking out for our best interest, then we would not be in the state of chaos and destruction we are now.  He could be right…it could be all my fault.  HA! Maybe on whatever planet he lives on these days…but in my world, you are supposed to be able to trust the person you marry, and they aren’t supposed to be so fucking selfish and weak that they can’t see past their next glass of Dewars on the rocks.

He pouted for about 5 hours before going off to bed.  I’m sure he’s still huffing and puffing in there.  Well, he can huff and puff til he fucking knocks the wall down.  I’m sleeping on the guest bed.  I want to be close to the munchkins tonight anyway.  The oldest is sick as can be, and has a fever that is scaring me.

And on that note, I’m off to check her again and get my book from the huffing and puffing section of the house so I can read on the quiet and pleasant side of the house.

nite

:)

Why can’t things just work as they should?

I stayed home from visiting my family today, the kids went with my mom to Jacksonville.  I wanted to go, but I wanted to work as well.  No.  I needed to work.  There is a difference.  So, I stayed home and all I did was fix things that had no explanation for being broken on the server, and I didn’t even get them all fixed, the damned thing is possessed or something, it just keeps on changing itself.

I also spent hours putting together files I can’t use because the server is possessed.  So I’m a tad frustrated.  Eventually, they will be used but not today as I had hoped.

So…the kids and mom left, he was outside doing yardwork, came in just to ask why I bother being on the computer for a hundred hours a week if I don’t make any money.  Nice.  I chose to ignore the fucker.

First, I’m on the computer 20 hrs a week, tops.  Second, the only reason I don’t make money is because he goes out of his way to make me stop working.  Every single time I get going, he finds something to distract me.  And he’s great for killing motivation.  He wants me to hang out with him instead of working, so he talks me out of working.  And then the next day will bitch about me needing to get a job so we can pay our bills.

Well, guess what fucko?  You can’t have it both ways!!!

Have I mentioned that I have PMS?  It probably isn’t making much of a difference, but I thought I’d mention it anyway.

I think I’m going to go to bed and see if I can’t have a better outlook on life in the morning.  Of course, if I get up and all my work on the server is gone again, I could go completely over the edge.  I really feel like there are forces working against me.  Everytime I make progress, I swear someone does something to fuck it up.  Not that it’s anyone in particular, but like some little gremlin type thing that just goes in and changes settings so that everything I’ve done won’t work any longer.

ok, really going to bed now.

have a great night

:)

I think I’ve been too damned tired to even post anything

Everyday has been full, the problems are abound.  I sit down in here to work at night and suddenly I’m fighting the urge to just lay down on the floor and sleep.

I’ve got the kids on a better school schedule, although they are quite offended by being pushed harder now.  Too bad.  My oldest is also being pushed in ballet class, too.  She’s older, she can handle more.  I need to push her in a few things around the house as well.  I think I’ve been too easy on them both up til now, mostly because I am so preoccupied with our life going to hell in a hand basket.

So, in short, I’m sort of proud of myself for putting their needs first for a change and not being so self-absorbed by hate and confusion.

I might have been motivated by my in-laws - they did the usual “you are ruining your kids lives by keeping them at home” bullshit last weekend and now I’m just that much more determined to show them how much we can do.  You know, I’m surrounded by people who are just so freaking miserable and try to keep you down so they feel better.  How sick is that?  And his parents have three kids..one is an alcoholic, one has OCD and one is a self-centered drama queen who has been emotionally traumatizing her children for almost 18 years.  And they want to give ME advice???  As if anyone sane would take it???  Freaking loony birds.

And this week they especially pissed me off.  My youngest won’t speak to them.  Actually, both kids will normally not speak to them for quite a while and then start when they warm up, after an hour or so.  My father-in-law is saying, at the table in front of her, that my youngest needs psychological help because she doesn’t talk to them.  I was about to tell him that she doesn’t talk to them because they make her uncomfortable.  They never come see them, they are miserable fuckers and all they do is yell and carry on about how horrible Americans are.  WHY would she like him?  She won’t even talk to her dad.  She hates how he gets and just refuses to have anything to do with him.  I think maybe she’s the only sane one here cause she does what she feels.

These people are vile and hate everything and I see how I was beginning to become like them.

My goal this week is to force myself to see the positive side to everything.  Like instead of being upset that the ceiling fell in on the lanai, I’ll be glad that no one (including turtles that were right under it) got hurt and that it’s not worse than it is.  Maybe by changing how I see things, I can change how I’m viewing this sick, dying relationship that I can’t seem to let go of.

Ok, I’m toast.  Going to bed now.   ‘Nite!!

:)

I try to keep my spirits high but the scumbags keep dragging me back down

Hey all.

I’ve spent the last week or so trying to get my work world back in order.  I’m close but not quite there.  And of course, there are reasons why.  And I swear nothing I had any control over.

Reason why I’m not on track yet #1:
My bloody ceiling on my lanai (screened room for those of you not familiar) collapsed.  I’m thinking that one peice of sheet rock will be enough to repair it BUT where is it coming from?  It seems that there is a seal that is broken but no one quite knows where it is coming from.  So they have to tear up a big chunk of roof.

Reason why I’m not on track yet #2:
And this just happened about 2 hours ago, so it’s really not a good reason but fuck it, it’s my blog…I can write whatever I want, right?? 


Some fuckwad loser in my neighborhood (Gulf Harbors) sent me hate mail because they thought my grass was too high.  ooooookay.  First, in my defence, let me say that I did have a landscaper, at least until 3 weeks ago.  And he’s just disappeared.  I got no notice so I wasn’t prepared to get another.  I also can’t really afford a new one and who says they will show up after I’ve paid them?  So we got my father-in-laws mower and mowed it Saturday.  Today I get a letter calling us “pigs” and that we should be ashamed of how we live and that we should move out.  What kind of sick fuck goes through the trouble of searching for our names (which he spelled wrong) and then mailing a letter via the post office (without a return address, of course).  And why would anyone be so freaking nasty?  I consider it a very scary, threatening letter and as soon as I calm down, I’m reporting it to the police.  I mean, I have kids…and this person seems to know the state of affairs in my home…my home that you can’t see in anywhere without being up in my windows.  I’m actually frightened of some lunatic out there with a grudge against me because my grass was too long and ruining his neighborhood.  I wonder if the rest of the landscapers clients that he abandoned also got letters.  I’ve posted on our neighborhood website, but that will probably get deleted as it puts the negative in a spotlight.  I think the website is intended to attract attention and intice prospective buyers.  but I don’t know for sure, I’ll wait and see.
I am just so pissed off right now.  Who is this piece of shit who sends letters to people calling them names and telling them to move out of the neighborhood??

Must be a person with a serious small-dick complex.  And it could be a woman, I don’t know for sure it’s a man.  All I know is that they are warped and scary and I’m reporting it to the police in case they decide that me bitching about them in a public forum in our precious neighborhood message board was going too far.  I just wish the coward had come up and knocked on the door.  I’d have let the dog show them the way off the property.

Ok, I disappear for a week and come back more hostile than ever.  I’m sure that is quite appealing, huh?  I’m gonna go get some coffee, do some work and try to calm the hell down.

But I’m not promising anything. 

I’m going out of town for a couple of days

I’m going to visit family in Ft. Lauderdale.  I’ll be back on Thursday.

I have loads of stuff to write but I just can’t get caught up from losing the computer.  I’ll be writing for days when I actually get started.  LOL

See you all Thursday!!!

:)

I’m back after losing my computer to lightening!!!

In case you hadn’t seen the comments area in the last post I made (I couldn’t get into the blog, it was my only way to leave a message), my house or a tree next to it got hit by lightening last week.  The surge blew out my computer.  Specifically the hard drive, maybe both hard drives, the ethernet card, the router and who knows what else?  The PC was even off and got it’s ethernet card blown.  I went to unplug it last night, I was still stubbornly trying to get something, ANYTHING off of it, and the damned thing zapped me.

So, this wonderful friend who I happen to work for actually sent me money right before the lightening hit (I think, I’m only catching up to what happened when) and I used it to go get myself a Mac Mini.  And let me tell you…this is pretty damned cool!!  (a certain drunken hubby is none too thrilled about this new computer purchase, let me tell you.  He was quite chipper after I told him I’d lost my whole computer.  Also, with the current state of affairs he thinks I shouldn’t spend the money on the puter….but (as I explained to him) this is money I am being paid for work.  If I don’t do the work I don’t get to keep the money and I can’t do the work without the computer.  And just because I’m majorly insecure…am I wrong here?)  I am calling the insurance agent (as soon as he’s actually in his office as he doesn’t seem to return calls) to see about this being covered under our homeowners policy.
I have lost a lot of my files, since my backup disk was the only one working right before the lightening hit. And I’m slowly catching up.  It’s frustrating though, I do hope that I can get the information off that drive recovered.  It would suck to lose all that stuff.

So now I have a new computer…and I’m exhausted.  I stayed up the first night (last night) playing with OS X (Tiger) and widgets (there are tons!) and tonight I’m beat.  I also have to drive to Ft. Lauderdale tomorrow morning (5-6 hour drive) and I have to get some rest soon.

Ok, gotta get some stuff done.  I’m still downloading, installing, upgrading, installing…this is never ending! LOL

I’m off to South Florida for 2 days…I’ll be back Thursday afternoon!  Have a great couple of days people!!

:)

I need to thank Meg and Enyo

The two of you have done more to help me than you can possibly know.  Since I got pregnant (with my now 7 year old) I’ve felt like my life was living without me.  I honestly felt like a bystander.  Now that I’m trying to do what is right, at least in the world that exists around me now, the friction has been tremendous.  I’m sure without you two, and my mother who puts up with my calling her in tears and takes the kids out of the house during shouting matches, I’d have given up the will to live a while ago.  I adore my daughters, but when depression has taken over your soul, sometimes you think that they’d all be better off without you.  I’m glad I never truly believed that in my heart, and I’m here to fight against the things I don’t want them to allow to happen in their lives.

So, a big giant hug goes out to my mom, and Enyo, and Meg.  I appreciate you guys more than I can even say.

:)

Wanna ride on the rollercoaster?

Cause I am getting tired of doing this alone.  One day we are up, one day we are down, one day we are good…I just don’t even have the energy I need to get myself motivated to do what needs to be done.  He’s out all day.  Which means I can smudge the house in peace, and I can get it back in order.  That is just sad that I need him to be gone to make the house liveable.   And I can change my motivation in a heartbeat by thinking that he’s not going to be home til very late (and most likely drunk) but I won’t have to be pissed off til late tonight.

He and I had a talk last night.  I thought we’d gotten somewhere.  I was obviously wrong.  I woke up with him mad at me and he took my big pile of paperwork that I needed to make phone calls this morning.  Last night we left it at what needed to be done.  This morning he must have changed the gameplan and gotten mad at me for it.  ???  You know…Sometimes, I don’t really understand my interpretations of his actions.  I’m trying to see if I’m seeing what he’s really doing, or am I seeing what my past is translating his actions as.  I’m not saying he’s not doing things all wrong by drinking instead of facing reality.  And I’m not saying that my opinion of the situation has changed all that much.  I am wondering though, how much of this is my responsibility?  I’ve been so pissed off that I can’t function for well over 2 years.  Possibly longer than that.  It’s taken me this long to start questioning his actions to his face.  Of course, now I’m just out to get him, or how did he say it? Oh..”Why are you so against me?  Everything I say you have to shoot down!”   Well, in my own defense, which he didn’t listen to, he’s lost over $250,000 and a business and pretty much any security we might have had in the last 3 years.  So maybe I’m sick of him making bad decisions and I’m not going to sit by and say, “whatever you think will work” while my life and my childrens’ lives go down the shitter along with his.

I’m really just confused.  And I’m tired.

{insert 30 minute break in here}

I didn’t know Nickelback had video on their site!!  Damn.  If you are at all into the current album (um, do they even call them that anymore? or is it CD? whatever, it’s always gonna be an album to me) then you can see three videos from it here.

Now, I had sort of a totally different “picture” in my mind when I heard those songs but their version works as well.  And I’ve never really actually looked at these guys before.  The singer looks very much like my ex.  No doubt my ex wishes he were in that position, since that was his life before he turned into a big whimp and married the control freak.  But that is for him to blog about, not me.  LOL
Ok, got a bit more work to do.  I’ve made what I thought to be a simple project into a massive monster.  But it’s gonna be great once I get it up and running.  I hope my client likes it as much.  I have to start getting him some money or he won’t be my client much longer.  So, on that note…I’m off…

:)

Let me just make this clear…I’m not looking for anyone to save me

the purpose of this blog is to get this crap out of my head so it doesn’t gum up the works.  I’m venting.  Pure and simple.

I can’t coordinate 60+ text pages full of affiliate codes and the html and php to pull them together, and get all the codes right, and not pull text page B into html page C with php C because I’m too preoccupied with the bullshit that occurs in my world.  I need to get it all out.

So, don’t look at it as whining, look at it as if I’m moving files from one harddrive (my brain) to another (the blog) to get them out of the way to be dealt with later.

Observations from the wonderful women I have met, like Enyo and Meg are welcome on any subject I may spew.  This is purely because I know they have been there and I value their opinions very much.  I value other people’s opinions as well, even people I’ve not met yet.  I just want to make clear that I’m not here whining and crying and giving up.  I may be lost, confused, overwhelmed and indulging in a bit of self-pity but I’m not giving up.

It’s crunch time again and Ford Credit is out of control and needs to be sued.

Why does my world always seem to be hanging by a thread?  Not whining, just wondering.  So I have to make a $600 payment today and a $920 payment by Friday.  Which is actually quite normal around here.  That is just sick, isn’t it?  And somehow these have become my responsibility, as he is SO HARD AT WORK to pay our mortgage on time.  Now, the first chunk of money needed being for our electricity, which will be turned off if I don’t pay and the second being my van, which will be repossessed if I don’t pay.  now, the second there…my van…I’m also working on the $350 to file a lawsuit against Ford Credit.  Which doesn’t excuse me from my payments, and I’m not denying that I owe them and that I’m late.  I am.  But they have gone way past the line of legal and I’m just done with their bullshit.  They have been calling my neighbors to tell me to pay my bill.  They’ve also called by brother-in-law and my ex-husbands entire family.  They are completely out of control.  In the last 2 years, they’ve run my cell phone bill up to $600+ and I lost the phone.  They’ve called me at work, even after I told them not to.  They’ve called my husbands work.  They harrass the hell out of me every chance they get and I’m now getting hives just thinking about it.  They get me so upset I can’t even work.  And then I’m supposed to come in here and whip up $1500 to pay my bills.  I honestly am now checking out my windows for 1. my van to be gone or 2. people from Ford to be walking up my front walk to harrass me face to face.

And if you think this is bad…wait til I get a chance to tell you about EMC Mortgage.  That’s a fucking doozy.  We always seem to find the total scum financial services.  I might as well warn others away from those who think they are above the law or those who strategically set up your property so they can take it back (and no, I’m not paranoid - I have the paperwork to prove it - AND I have a judge’s decision to throw their whole shoddy case out).  Remind me when I’m not panicking to tell you all about them.  AND if you are being tortured by EMC right now, message me and i’ll tell you how we got rid of them.  There is also a law firm with a class action suit against them I can refer you to.  I can’t participate because EMC forced us to agree that we owed them $42,000 more than we did to get out of the loan and I want it back.  With Interest.  I just can’t find any lawyers with the know-how and the balls to go after them, oh, or the willingness to do it on contingency because these bastards stole what we did have and now I have to sue to get it back.  Which would be why I have my power being shut off and my van being repossessed.  It’s a wicked cycle.  There was a case in March (this year or last - I lost track now) where a couple was granted 6 Million Dollars!! in punitive damages because of the nightmare EMC inflicted on these people.  And even though that was beyond the threshold (not sure that is the right word - remember I’m panicking right now LOL) the Supreme Court upheld the decision and said that EMC’s actions warranted that type of payment.  So I know they can beaten.

Ok, I’m pissed off enough to try to make some money.  I’ll be back later to tell you if I succeeded or landed on my face.
:)

The more I NEED to work, the less my kids let me

(I’m writing this in short spurts because my children refuse to let me sit for more than 5 minutes at a time)

Ok, today I woke up with no one in the house.  At 8am, that is a bit odd.  It seems hubby took the kids to go to the store to get coffee since we were out.  And when I called to find out where everyone was he let me know he had done it, “because he really was a nice guy”.  oooookay…so he really wasn’t a drunk as I thought last night.  Shit.

If I had known that he would have actually remembered anything I had said…I’d have let it all out.  I don’t normally bother wasting my breathe, he won’t remember and it’s like arguing with a retarded person.  I will get nowhere, it’s totally unproductive, so why bother?  I’m just so conditioned to being ignored and misunderstood (it’s always an attack on him, no matter what I say) that I just can’t even talk to him when he’s not drunk.  And normally if I say anything about him drinking and he flies off the handle, then I know he’s drunk.  Well, either he has gotten better at controlling it or last night was a fluke, cause he definitely wasn’t sober but he seems to remember some of it.  Enough to be nice to me this morning, and point it out.

Oh, there are so many things I’d like to say to him, but I can’t even get them out when he’s in front of me.  And at this point, they’d come out like bullets.  I’d say we need a mediator just to get all the past BS that has been stored up out of the way. But I’m not sure I even care enough for that.  He wanted to just put it all behind us at one point and I thought that would be great.  BUT it won’t happen.  In order to put it all behind us, he’s got to make an effort to not do all the things that have caused problems in the past.  The biggest being drinking.  And he won’t ever stop.

He just doesn’t get that to me, it feels like he is cheating on me.   That alcohol is so much more important than me.  He  makes decisions around, because of, and for the alcohol.  He listens to it before he listens to me.  He alienates me for the alcohol.  He’s never here because he’s drunk.  He’s never able to have a talk because he’s drunk.  He misses all the things we do here because he’s drunk.  He might as well be off with another woman, it actually might hurt less.  At least if he cheated on me, people would think that was a legitimate reason to be upset.  But it seems that our society has made alcolism a fucking disease so I can’t even be upset about it.  Fuck that noise.  It’s not a disease, it’s a fucking weakness.  He’s weak and he disgusts me.  I’ve had addictions, I got over them.  I quit smoking when I got pregnant with my son, after I gave birth, my ex talked me into smoking again so I’d quit bitching about him smelling of smoke.  Ok, I was weak, I gave in.  I got pregnant with my older daughter, I quit again.  Gave birth..made it to a stressful move 3 months later and started again.  Got pregnant, quit, gave birth, started again.  I realized a few months ago, that I was being lazy and weak.  If I could quit once, I could quit for good.  And I could quit drinking a few beers a night as well.  Just because he didn’t want to drink alone was not a good enough reason for me to give in and be just as weak.  No, I don’t not drink at all, I do have a Margarita here and there, but not on a regular basis (and it’s usualy after he’s made it and dropped it in front of me). AND I have also have drug addictions when I was younger and kicked their asses as well, so don’t tell me it’s not possible.  I cared enough about my own well being because other people counted on me.  Those other people were more important than any relief I felt when I was indulging in one of my bad habits.  I changed the way I looked at the habit, and I stopped it.  I try to tell him that I’m here to help show him the things that are more important than scotch and “I’m fucking bitching about the damned drinking again!”  And that is both sober and drunk.

Why am I so sure that he won’t ever care more about me and the kids than his need to drink?  And why can’t I just stop holding myself back and do what I have to do?  I am capable of running a full time successful business.  I’m capable of taking care of this monstrousity of a house by myself.  I’m capable of paying the bills by myself… IF I’m left alone to do what needs to be done.  But with Mr. Chaos blocking my path every chance he gets, he’s keeping me and him down.  I’m hoping I’m just about pissed off enough to make that big giant step that needs to be made.  I’m just not sure what that step is.  Is it divorce?  Is it just finally cutting him off emotionally and living life as if he weren’t here?  I wish I could answer my own damned questions, but I can’t.  Not today anyhow.

Ok, it’s gymnastics time,  Gotta fly!!

:)

Is this the beginning of the end?

and am I the one making it so?  I’m so confused I don’t know what I’m doing.  And yet at the same time I feel like I’m subconsciously controlling the whole situation.  Maybe I’m just going nuts?
Tonight he wanted me to come out and talk to him after I got the girls in bed.  Kind of a “let’s hang out and watch the storm” kind of talk, I didn’t think he had anything in mind.  So, I went out.  Now, he wanted to hang out and talk so I started talking.  Hell, I never get to actually “talk” about anything around here.  I thought it was open mic night.  Well, after my 3 minutes of talking got cut off by his “Well, what you are learning doesn’t apply to me” then he proceeded to tell me everything he’s been out there chewing over.  He wants to fight back and make a difference in our lives, keep our house, figure out a way to earn more, blah, blah, blah (ok, I quit fucking listening after about 5 minutes cause, well…I’ve heard it all.  Hundreds of times).  Well, this time he wasn’t quite drunk.  So as he is spewing how he should make his employees like where they are and listen to why they might want to leave, I’m thinking, “Fuck! Why not make your wife want to stay?  See why SHE wants to leave!!” but I didn’t say it. Well, it all went downhill from there.  I swear I wasn’t looking to pick a fight, but somewhere in the back of my head I had a pep squad yelling directions “Tell him how he fucking ignores you!”  “Tell him how the world doesn’t revolve around him!”  RAH RAH RAH!!!  And the more I said, the more I couldn’t stop.  I mean, why the fuck shouldn’t I be able to vent?  And why should it always be about him?  And how the hell am I supposed to know he’s not quite as drunk as normal???

Of course, after that, how could I expect him to be anything but shitty?  And he was.  But you know what?  He still didn’t talk to me.  I mean TALK TO ME.  He has NEVER communicated with me.  He talks at me.  He spews what is in his mind.  But I might as well be a fucking wall.  He wants no input, aside from agreeing with him.

Did I really think things were going alright recently?  And am I just starting a fight so I can get what is lying under the surface out into the open so it can be dealt with?  Our relationship is a fucking joke.  We aren’t talking, he doesn’t even like me, and I don’t even know who the fuck he is anymore.  Should I just pull the plug and get it the fuck over with?  Let him blame me forever, because he does need someone to blame.  He can’t just accept that sometimes shit goes wrong.  And i won’t even mention the word karma and him in the same sentence, it will make his head blow off.  He continuously does bad shit and then gets all bent out of shape when bad shit is done to him.  You’d think that the concept would be something he’d at least entertain and test.  But, whatever.

I’m tired, I’m never going to make him like me, and I don’t even know why I care any more.  The fact that he’s never going to like me hurts like hell.  I really did try for so many years.  And it’s still habit that when he’s mad, I run and do as many things to make his world comfortable as possible.  And he thinks I’m being selfish for needing to vent.  It’s not like I fucking have him so scared of me that he’d go and act like a fucking housekeeper to try to make me be in a better mood.  And all the fucking housekeeping in the world would NEVER make him happy.  I wasted 13 years of my life to finally figure that shit out.

I’m still so confused I don’t know what to do.  And I’m scared to do what I want to do, because although I know it’s the right thing to do, I’m not sure it’s the right thing.   Damn, I’m a blithering idiot!!  And this whole time I’m supposed to be working and I’m so fucking upset (even though I did it to myself this time) that I can’t focus.

And I’m not even sure if he’s still awake and seething out there, preparing to come inside and start all over again.  OR…if he’s passed out in the chair I left him in with a cigar in one hand and a scotch in the other.

I need to take the dog for a walk and I can’t because then the girls would be alone, since he’s useless as a responsible adult right now…you know, I’m bouncing from being pissed to drowning in my own self pity to being pissed again…I might really be going insane.

I just realized I have nothing to bitch about AND Nip/Tuck starts in 2 days!!!!!!

I’m in severe pain and need to remember to get prepared physically next time I have to do 3 banquets in 2 days, but overall there is nothing to complain about right now.

My husband and I got along all night, he even claimed to be married to me when talking with guests   He only had one drink that I saw.  I was tending bar but I think he went to the other bar for his drinks because I didn’t make it.  He still seems coherent now, which is abnormal.  He is either slobbering drunk or passed out by the point on most nights.  He’s just eaten a sandwich (yeah, yeah…work with food all day and night and you never get to actually have a meal all day) and finished watching a rerun of Nip/Tuck, the last one from last season, to be exact.  The new season starts Tuesday…and consider yourself warned, I’m a Nip/Tuck addict.  I have to watch it, even if it’s the repeat that they run during the week.  It comes on right when I “should” have the girls in bed but they know when it’s on and the oldest hates it for some reason (probably because she can’t watch it) so I normally miss the first viewing. I’ve seen previews and the new season looks just as intense as the last 3.  I am looking forward to this!

OK, that was it for my energy.  I’m gonna grab my book, put on my Eeyore jammies, crawl in bed and read about 3 sentences.  I’ll probably wake up with a book planted on my head.  Again.

See you tomorrow.

:)

I have to work again tonight and I’m feeling like crap

I thought I was miserable because of my period.  Now I’m not so sure it was that.  I’ve got a sore throat and a fever.  My mom has allergies like mine and says she gets this way from her allergies.  Who knows what it is?  I wish I could call in sick, but it’s not a possibility.  I’m going to pick up Day-Quil on my way up there and hope that does the trick.

Gotta run.  Have a great day!!

:)

We had a pair of Bald Eagles across the street, I took pictures…

Yesterday I thought I saw a Blue Heron fly in, they are pretty common but I looked anyway. It turned out to be a Bald Eagle that had landed in the tree across the street. The girls and I were looking and my oldest daughter noticed that there were two of them sitting next to each other. I tried to get some pictures, but since it was raining a little, that didn’t work out so well. Here they are anyway…




I thought I’d help you out and circle where the two are sitting

This was from inside the house, the window glass has rain on it so it’s a bit blurry.



I went outside for this. I’m under the roof that you saw the corner of in the first picture. I keep messing with color levels and filtering to make them stand out.



and yes, the weather sucks…it’s normally pretty sunny. However it is hurricane season and we have been getting quite a bit of rain daily.



this might be the most defined shot of the eagle on the right, the one on the left never comes out from behind the branch and I was not watching when they flew away. They were there for at least an hour after I stopped taking pictures.

I’ve seen Bald Eagles here, so this isn’t anything extraordinary, it was just cool.  The girls were thrilled.  We had the binoculars out and were watching them.  I just thought I’d share.
:)

Glitter and confetti should be outlawed

I’m home…2 hours later than I planned, but I’m home. I had to spend an extra 2 hours sweeping the ballroom to rid it of the incredible clinging confetti and glitter that found it’s way into the party. Boy what a mess. The shit is everywhere. It’s even in my bra!!! I’m sure when I take out my braid I’ll find some in there as well.

I’m too tired to have a coherent thought so I’m gonna go to bed and pass out. The kids are at a sleep-over with grandma, the dog and cat are getting kicked out of the bedroom as soon as I get there, I’m gonna chew on a Pamprin and then…I’m gonna sleep til I smell coffee. Or the dog has to pee. Whichever comes first.

nite

:)

I’m bartending this weekend, woofuckinghoo!

In the interest of benefiting my bank account, I’ve agreed to help the husband and bar tend for a couple of weddings/parties this weekend at one of the banquet halls he runs. I’m sure I’ll make some good money, I’m also sure I’m not looking forward to this.

After my motivating discussion with my friend the other night, I’ve begun to design again…I mean REALLY design. I know that in the web design biz, the smaller the file, the faster the page loads, and that is what it’s all about. Most really nice designs load to slow to be beneficial, so they hurt the bottom line and you don’t do it. Well…I don’t care right now. I’ve made a few things for my portfolio to use as samples for some packages I’m gonna put together. I had fun doing it, too. Wow. Imagine if I had fun AND got paid the $75-$150 an hour that I’m worth! This blog would take a drastic right turn and be my “I’m so happy, and to prove it, I could just buy a horse to amuse myself” blog.

Really…doing work you love…I could SO get into that.

Ok, gotta feed kids before they band together and attack…

:)