(I’m writing this in short spurts because my children refuse to let me sit for more than 5 minutes at a time)
Ok, today I woke up with no one in the house. At 8am, that is a bit odd. It seems hubby took the kids to go to the store to get coffee since we were out. And when I called to find out where everyone was he let me know he had done it, “because he really was a nice guy”. oooookay…so he really wasn’t a drunk as I thought last night. Shit.
If I had known that he would have actually remembered anything I had said…I’d have let it all out. I don’t normally bother wasting my breathe, he won’t remember and it’s like arguing with a retarded person. I will get nowhere, it’s totally unproductive, so why bother? I’m just so conditioned to being ignored and misunderstood (it’s always an attack on him, no matter what I say) that I just can’t even talk to him when he’s not drunk. And normally if I say anything about him drinking and he flies off the handle, then I know he’s drunk. Well, either he has gotten better at controlling it or last night was a fluke, cause he definitely wasn’t sober but he seems to remember some of it. Enough to be nice to me this morning, and point it out.
Oh, there are so many things I’d like to say to him, but I can’t even get them out when he’s in front of me. And at this point, they’d come out like bullets. I’d say we need a mediator just to get all the past BS that has been stored up out of the way. But I’m not sure I even care enough for that. He wanted to just put it all behind us at one point and I thought that would be great. BUT it won’t happen. In order to put it all behind us, he’s got to make an effort to not do all the things that have caused problems in the past. The biggest being drinking. And he won’t ever stop.
He just doesn’t get that to me, it feels like he is cheating on me. That alcohol is so much more important than me. He makes decisions around, because of, and for the alcohol. He listens to it before he listens to me. He alienates me for the alcohol. He’s never here because he’s drunk. He’s never able to have a talk because he’s drunk. He misses all the things we do here because he’s drunk. He might as well be off with another woman, it actually might hurt less. At least if he cheated on me, people would think that was a legitimate reason to be upset. But it seems that our society has made alcolism a fucking disease so I can’t even be upset about it. Fuck that noise. It’s not a disease, it’s a fucking weakness. He’s weak and he disgusts me. I’ve had addictions, I got over them. I quit smoking when I got pregnant with my son, after I gave birth, my ex talked me into smoking again so I’d quit bitching about him smelling of smoke. Ok, I was weak, I gave in. I got pregnant with my older daughter, I quit again. Gave birth..made it to a stressful move 3 months later and started again. Got pregnant, quit, gave birth, started again. I realized a few months ago, that I was being lazy and weak. If I could quit once, I could quit for good. And I could quit drinking a few beers a night as well. Just because he didn’t want to drink alone was not a good enough reason for me to give in and be just as weak. No, I don’t not drink at all, I do have a Margarita here and there, but not on a regular basis (and it’s usualy after he’s made it and dropped it in front of me). AND I have also have drug addictions when I was younger and kicked their asses as well, so don’t tell me it’s not possible. I cared enough about my own well being because other people counted on me. Those other people were more important than any relief I felt when I was indulging in one of my bad habits. I changed the way I looked at the habit, and I stopped it. I try to tell him that I’m here to help show him the things that are more important than scotch and “I’m fucking bitching about the damned drinking again!” And that is both sober and drunk.
Why am I so sure that he won’t ever care more about me and the kids than his need to drink? And why can’t I just stop holding myself back and do what I have to do? I am capable of running a full time successful business. I’m capable of taking care of this monstrousity of a house by myself. I’m capable of paying the bills by myself… IF I’m left alone to do what needs to be done. But with Mr. Chaos blocking my path every chance he gets, he’s keeping me and him down. I’m hoping I’m just about pissed off enough to make that big giant step that needs to be made. I’m just not sure what that step is. Is it divorce? Is it just finally cutting him off emotionally and living life as if he weren’t here? I wish I could answer my own damned questions, but I can’t. Not today anyhow.
Ok, it’s gymnastics time, Gotta fly!!
:)
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