and am I the one making it so? I’m so confused I don’t know what I’m doing. And yet at the same time I feel like I’m subconsciously controlling the whole situation. Maybe I’m just going nuts?
Tonight he wanted me to come out and talk to him after I got the girls in bed. Kind of a “let’s hang out and watch the storm” kind of talk, I didn’t think he had anything in mind. So, I went out. Now, he wanted to hang out and talk so I started talking. Hell, I never get to actually “talk” about anything around here. I thought it was open mic night. Well, after my 3 minutes of talking got cut off by his “Well, what you are learning doesn’t apply to me” then he proceeded to tell me everything he’s been out there chewing over. He wants to fight back and make a difference in our lives, keep our house, figure out a way to earn more, blah, blah, blah (ok, I quit fucking listening after about 5 minutes cause, well…I’ve heard it all. Hundreds of times). Well, this time he wasn’t quite drunk. So as he is spewing how he should make his employees like where they are and listen to why they might want to leave, I’m thinking, “Fuck! Why not make your wife want to stay? See why SHE wants to leave!!” but I didn’t say it. Well, it all went downhill from there. I swear I wasn’t looking to pick a fight, but somewhere in the back of my head I had a pep squad yelling directions “Tell him how he fucking ignores you!” “Tell him how the world doesn’t revolve around him!” RAH RAH RAH!!! And the more I said, the more I couldn’t stop. I mean, why the fuck shouldn’t I be able to vent? And why should it always be about him? And how the hell am I supposed to know he’s not quite as drunk as normal???
Of course, after that, how could I expect him to be anything but shitty? And he was. But you know what? He still didn’t talk to me. I mean TALK TO ME. He has NEVER communicated with me. He talks at me. He spews what is in his mind. But I might as well be a fucking wall. He wants no input, aside from agreeing with him.
Did I really think things were going alright recently? And am I just starting a fight so I can get what is lying under the surface out into the open so it can be dealt with? Our relationship is a fucking joke. We aren’t talking, he doesn’t even like me, and I don’t even know who the fuck he is anymore. Should I just pull the plug and get it the fuck over with? Let him blame me forever, because he does need someone to blame. He can’t just accept that sometimes shit goes wrong. And i won’t even mention the word karma and him in the same sentence, it will make his head blow off. He continuously does bad shit and then gets all bent out of shape when bad shit is done to him. You’d think that the concept would be something he’d at least entertain and test. But, whatever.
I’m tired, I’m never going to make him like me, and I don’t even know why I care any more. The fact that he’s never going to like me hurts like hell. I really did try for so many years. And it’s still habit that when he’s mad, I run and do as many things to make his world comfortable as possible. And he thinks I’m being selfish for needing to vent. It’s not like I fucking have him so scared of me that he’d go and act like a fucking housekeeper to try to make me be in a better mood. And all the fucking housekeeping in the world would NEVER make him happy. I wasted 13 years of my life to finally figure that shit out.
I’m still so confused I don’t know what to do. And I’m scared to do what I want to do, because although I know it’s the right thing to do, I’m not sure it’s the right thing. Damn, I’m a blithering idiot!! And this whole time I’m supposed to be working and I’m so fucking upset (even though I did it to myself this time) that I can’t focus.
And I’m not even sure if he’s still awake and seething out there, preparing to come inside and start all over again. OR…if he’s passed out in the chair I left him in with a cigar in one hand and a scotch in the other.
I need to take the dog for a walk and I can’t because then the girls would be alone, since he’s useless as a responsible adult right now…you know, I’m bouncing from being pissed to drowning in my own self pity to being pissed again…I might really be going insane.
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