Mom and I went out today and planned on getting coffee and a roll at the bakery/coffee company by the fabric store that we were headed to. But the bakery was closed. Not closed like it hadn’t opened yet. It was closed. Period. Ceiling tiles hanging, outdoor furniture askew…I’m not sure when it happened but it’s a shame. I did enjoy it the few times I was in there. It was like a refreshing blast of civilization. Oh well. We went to the Barnes and Noble instead. There is a Starbucks in there where I could at least get a civilized cup of cappucino. We realized upon entering that we were really there without kids. We could LOOK at books. We could read more than the cover review without someone begging to be taken to the kids section or the bathroom. I also realized that there was a long haired dude…oh yeah, my senses are returning, it would appear. Now, don’t go thinking I’m out scouting for some fun. I’ve no intention of ever going that route, but it was just so odd to be aware of a member of the opposite sex. (and it might be my imagination…but he seemed to be quite aware that I was there as well. He walked by where we were throughout the store approximately 15 times. I never see B&N employees walking around that much…or maybe I just never noticed). So, I’m feeling like…maybe there is some fucking hope for a pleasant life. I could even get some friends if I didn’t have the fear of being embarrassed to death by the drunk.
I have a million thoughts going through my head right now, but I’m distracted by him having the girls outside with their bikes and I’m really hoping he doesn’t look in my van and see McDonalds wrappers all over. He’s given the order (in his mostly manly “I’m the king of this castle” voice) that his children are not to have garbage food in their system. I say, a little junk in moderation is just fine. Especially when I’m fucking working and cleaning and running them to ballet, gymnastics and whatever else we have to do for school. I don’t have time to cook a freaking balanced meal three times a day and get everything he expects from me done AND earn the money that we need to support our incredibly out of balance lifestyle. So, I’m torn between letting him see it, having him confront me and me just getting it out and telling him to stuff his opinion up his ass…and going out and cleaning it while he’s not looking. God. You know what? I’m a bloody wuss. In print it just looks so much worse than I’ve been rationalizing it all. I’m going to go hide what I do so he won’t be upset? EVERYTHING I DO UPSET HIM…Who am I kidding, really?
Ok, they are calling me out to see them ride bikes…I’ll be back later if time permits.
:)
Sunday, October 29, 2006
Just saying hi
I had an idea for a post, I sat here writing for a little while…then my browser went apeshit and I lost it all. I haven’t got the energy to start over. It was a rant on patriotism and the lack of it in my husbands family…the short version? ok…if you force me. LOL
My in-laws were due to come over tomorrow. My father in law does nothing but bitch about Americans. It drives me nuts and I was going to counter attack before he even got his mouth started. Oh wait. If I counter attack before he attacks…then that means I attacked and he’s counter attacking. Right? Whatever…he’s been doing this for years, it’s time I got this shit to end.
Ok…so…let’s forget that bit about a short version. I ain’t made that way. LOL So…the girls and I went to the bookstore yesterday and got new schoolbooks. We got some sweet new “Hooked on…” (as in Hooked on Pre-K and Hooked on 1st Grade) and they just love these things. They won’t stop doing them. What does this have to do with my in-laws and patriotism? Just wait…you’ll see…I’m really getting there.
So, these books come with posters. And stickers. Which, i feel, is why they are so into them. They do something right, they get a sticker. One in the book and then one up on the poster. In order to really get the effect, the poster has to be up on the wall. Right? Right! So, I’m on a roll…being me…and I decided “Screw this trying to hide our freakish unatural schooling methods from everyone!! These babies are going right up on the dining room wall. All 10 of them! Yeah!! LOL There are 10!! Isn’t it great??? Ok…so…I’m looking at the walls thinking we can really get somewhere, now our progress isn’t just hidden in the playroom that is so full of dress up dresses and stuffed animals that you can’t get in…it’s up on the dining room wall!! Everyone will see how great we are doing!! We can’t skip school without it glaring our faces!!! This is just what we need. Also, when you come out of my bedroom door, the first thing you notice now is 10 (Yes, 10!! LOL) bright colored posters with stickers on them. It’s truly in my face and I can’t forget to do it.
Ok, back to my reason for this post…I’m sitting there looking at the wall and the drunk mentions that he’s invited his parents over on Sunday. OK. Whatever. And then I’m thinking…”Ooooooo…Won’t it be fucking hilarious to see thier faces when they see the 10 (Yes, 10!!) 11 inch x 17 inch posters plastered on the dining room wall??” And then I can hardly wait. I’m thinking this is gonna be just the funniest thing ever. Now…skip ahead to today…I’m checking email and get one from my mom. It’s a copy of an editorial on patriotism. Then I start thinking about the Father in law and his annoying as hell rants. Then I think they are coming over. Then I think of the dining room wall. THEN…what if? Hmmmmm…What if i put a big assed poster on the wall that says, “It’s Our Country, It’s Our Heritage, It’s Who We Are” (and in smaller letters..) “If you don’t like it, then go back where you came from” and then put a list of all the great Americans that we’ve learned about already under the poster…sort of use it for our History progress poster. Yeah, I know, it’s negative. But if I make it without the nasty bit about going back where you came from then it’s not too bad. It won’t get the point across to the nasty bastard tomorrow, but then who says anything would get the point across? He’s a close minded emotionally weak person who needs to attack everything before he can be attacked (as if he’s anybody worth attacking). Of course, now that I think of it, I’m sitting here plotting how I can tell him off without actually speaking to him…so who is worse?
I’m having major ups and downs in my mood today…it could be hormonal. It could be that I’ve let myself experience how things should be and now I can’t keep myself under control like I’ve done for the past 13 years or so. Hell..who am I kidding? I’ve been restrained almost my whole life. I just blame myself for the last 13 because I was freaking FREE!!!! And I chose to end up in this situation! Well, it’s not like I sat down and made a decision to be smothered by someone else’s ego. But I did decide to go with this person, to make a life with this person. Boy did I screw up a good thing. But I did get two of the most awesome and incredible little girls because of it, so maybe this all happened for a reason?
I think I need sleep…my babbling has gone from upbeat to somewhat depressing really quickly. I’ll see you happy peoples tomorrow.
nite
My in-laws were due to come over tomorrow. My father in law does nothing but bitch about Americans. It drives me nuts and I was going to counter attack before he even got his mouth started. Oh wait. If I counter attack before he attacks…then that means I attacked and he’s counter attacking. Right? Whatever…he’s been doing this for years, it’s time I got this shit to end.
Ok…so…let’s forget that bit about a short version. I ain’t made that way. LOL So…the girls and I went to the bookstore yesterday and got new schoolbooks. We got some sweet new “Hooked on…” (as in Hooked on Pre-K and Hooked on 1st Grade) and they just love these things. They won’t stop doing them. What does this have to do with my in-laws and patriotism? Just wait…you’ll see…I’m really getting there.
So, these books come with posters. And stickers. Which, i feel, is why they are so into them. They do something right, they get a sticker. One in the book and then one up on the poster. In order to really get the effect, the poster has to be up on the wall. Right? Right! So, I’m on a roll…being me…and I decided “Screw this trying to hide our freakish unatural schooling methods from everyone!! These babies are going right up on the dining room wall. All 10 of them! Yeah!! LOL There are 10!! Isn’t it great??? Ok…so…I’m looking at the walls thinking we can really get somewhere, now our progress isn’t just hidden in the playroom that is so full of dress up dresses and stuffed animals that you can’t get in…it’s up on the dining room wall!! Everyone will see how great we are doing!! We can’t skip school without it glaring our faces!!! This is just what we need. Also, when you come out of my bedroom door, the first thing you notice now is 10 (Yes, 10!! LOL) bright colored posters with stickers on them. It’s truly in my face and I can’t forget to do it.
Ok, back to my reason for this post…I’m sitting there looking at the wall and the drunk mentions that he’s invited his parents over on Sunday. OK. Whatever. And then I’m thinking…”Ooooooo…Won’t it be fucking hilarious to see thier faces when they see the 10 (Yes, 10!!) 11 inch x 17 inch posters plastered on the dining room wall??” And then I can hardly wait. I’m thinking this is gonna be just the funniest thing ever. Now…skip ahead to today…I’m checking email and get one from my mom. It’s a copy of an editorial on patriotism. Then I start thinking about the Father in law and his annoying as hell rants. Then I think they are coming over. Then I think of the dining room wall. THEN…what if? Hmmmmm…What if i put a big assed poster on the wall that says, “It’s Our Country, It’s Our Heritage, It’s Who We Are” (and in smaller letters..) “If you don’t like it, then go back where you came from” and then put a list of all the great Americans that we’ve learned about already under the poster…sort of use it for our History progress poster. Yeah, I know, it’s negative. But if I make it without the nasty bit about going back where you came from then it’s not too bad. It won’t get the point across to the nasty bastard tomorrow, but then who says anything would get the point across? He’s a close minded emotionally weak person who needs to attack everything before he can be attacked (as if he’s anybody worth attacking). Of course, now that I think of it, I’m sitting here plotting how I can tell him off without actually speaking to him…so who is worse?
I’m having major ups and downs in my mood today…it could be hormonal. It could be that I’ve let myself experience how things should be and now I can’t keep myself under control like I’ve done for the past 13 years or so. Hell..who am I kidding? I’ve been restrained almost my whole life. I just blame myself for the last 13 because I was freaking FREE!!!! And I chose to end up in this situation! Well, it’s not like I sat down and made a decision to be smothered by someone else’s ego. But I did decide to go with this person, to make a life with this person. Boy did I screw up a good thing. But I did get two of the most awesome and incredible little girls because of it, so maybe this all happened for a reason?
I think I need sleep…my babbling has gone from upbeat to somewhat depressing really quickly. I’ll see you happy peoples tomorrow.
nite
Saturday, October 28, 2006
oh yeah, I hacked off my hair today :P
I got it cut by a real hairdresser (as opposed to me doing it myself cause I have no money) and she cut about 8-10 inches off. I wasn’t really paying attention to it, but it’s totally not there anymore. I felt like my shirt was missing or something when we came outside. That is how much hair I had before. I used to sort of be all over me like a blanket.
I’m almost ready to do something really drastic with it…anything but cut it much more. Maybe some color. Or colors…I had a wicked Manic Panic addiction when I was about 20. I had all the colors…sometimes in layers…fades of pink to purples, blue to black, etc…
Boy do I miss the days when I could be me.
:)
I’m almost ready to do something really drastic with it…anything but cut it much more. Maybe some color. Or colors…I had a wicked Manic Panic addiction when I was about 20. I had all the colors…sometimes in layers…fades of pink to purples, blue to black, etc…
Boy do I miss the days when I could be me.
:)
Self doubt
Meg mentioned something about men that make you doubt yourself. I really hate it when I realize how much he’s made me doubt myself. And I’m still doubting myself. Do I want to make an effort to get our relationship back in some salvagable form? Is it possible? Is it worth it? Can my hatred for him actually be hatred for myself being so stupid?
Sometimes I look at him and think, maybe it’s really been me this whole time. Then he says something like “Don’t give me any of that crap about you working 24/7, as far as I’m concerned you’ve been retired for years!” and he says it in front of the kids and my mom just after I’ve come in from making $300 for designing a website template for someone. I was embarrassed to have my kids see their father be so ignorant and I was feeling pretty sure of myself and he’s damned lucky I didn’t gouge his eyes out with a rusty soup spoon.
Yeah, I know, I’ve ranted about that before. Oh…you want a new one? How about “It’s friday morning and you are the mom, and you are SUPPOSED to make me breakfast just because it’s friday and you are the mom.” Yes, he’s a fucking asshole. BUT then my beautiful daughter says, “You aren’t doing anything. Why don’t you make us breakfast? Mom has to teach us before she goes in to work. Yes, it would make more sense for you to make us breakfast.”
For some reason he thinks I set them up for those type of comments. But the little darlings come up with it all on their own!! LOL
They aren’t gonna be depending on any neanderthalish man if i can help it.
Next step is to put my money where my mouth is and just tell him to go live with his mommy if he needs someone to take care of him so badly. I’m not his maid, his cook or his fucking verbal punching bag. I’ve had enough.
Now if I only had the nerve….
ok, bedtime. Night all!!
Sometimes I look at him and think, maybe it’s really been me this whole time. Then he says something like “Don’t give me any of that crap about you working 24/7, as far as I’m concerned you’ve been retired for years!” and he says it in front of the kids and my mom just after I’ve come in from making $300 for designing a website template for someone. I was embarrassed to have my kids see their father be so ignorant and I was feeling pretty sure of myself and he’s damned lucky I didn’t gouge his eyes out with a rusty soup spoon.
Yeah, I know, I’ve ranted about that before. Oh…you want a new one? How about “It’s friday morning and you are the mom, and you are SUPPOSED to make me breakfast just because it’s friday and you are the mom.” Yes, he’s a fucking asshole. BUT then my beautiful daughter says, “You aren’t doing anything. Why don’t you make us breakfast? Mom has to teach us before she goes in to work. Yes, it would make more sense for you to make us breakfast.”
For some reason he thinks I set them up for those type of comments. But the little darlings come up with it all on their own!! LOL
They aren’t gonna be depending on any neanderthalish man if i can help it.
Next step is to put my money where my mouth is and just tell him to go live with his mommy if he needs someone to take care of him so badly. I’m not his maid, his cook or his fucking verbal punching bag. I’ve had enough.
Now if I only had the nerve….
ok, bedtime. Night all!!
Thursday, October 26, 2006
he’s still employed…what a circus up there!
just updating on his employment situation. I’m exhausted so this won’t be too long.
He went up knowing that they were going to cut his pay, eliminate his job, etc…had his meeting and managed to walk out at the end with no changes being made to his job. Not quite sure how long that will last, as the boss is unstable as hell. We shall see.
I am still happy with my job. I did an interesting thing today. For the first time in ages I went and did some job related research. I was reading and researching on how to improve my own abilities. It was so cool.
Well, I’m experiencing that very not-so-wonderful time of the month, I’m an evil bitch, I’m tired, and I’m just dying to go get under some blankets. So…I will see you happy peoples tomorrow.
‘nite
:)
He went up knowing that they were going to cut his pay, eliminate his job, etc…had his meeting and managed to walk out at the end with no changes being made to his job. Not quite sure how long that will last, as the boss is unstable as hell. We shall see.
I am still happy with my job. I did an interesting thing today. For the first time in ages I went and did some job related research. I was reading and researching on how to improve my own abilities. It was so cool.
Well, I’m experiencing that very not-so-wonderful time of the month, I’m an evil bitch, I’m tired, and I’m just dying to go get under some blankets. So…I will see you happy peoples tomorrow.
‘nite
:)
Tuesday, October 24, 2006
he’s off to get fired…or resign…or something
what a freaking exciting thing to drive an hour for, huh?
This guy that the hubby works for is just such a selfish, ignorant bastard. I can see that karma is at work with this guy but as it’s causing everyone around him grief, it does suck. But, I’m not so sure the people being effected by his poor judgement, lack of morals are all so innocent. I mean, really, does my hubby have a history of being a caring, ethical human without a blemish of selfishness or greed on his record? HAHAHAHA! Yeah, right. The thought is quite hilarious.
I think what I’m getting at here is that while the scumboss is dishing out shit, the people who are receiving the shit could very well have dished out their own shit in the past and could possibly just be in line to receive that shit back. Now, I’m not saying that I haven’t dished out my own shit (yes, I have some points in my past that I’d just as soon say I never was there for, but I was. I own up to it, and I regret it. I don’t think that makes me immune to getting paid back for it though) and could possibly just be getting my just desserts. But, the kids don’t deserve this…of course, they don’t deserve any of the hell they’ve had to watch from the sidelines these last few years. I’m not sure where I stand on kids and karma…I think that they are supposed to be absorbing all this and using it as a learning tool when they are old enough to understand what is going on. Maybe? I don’t know. All I do know is that getting mad won’t help. The only thing that can be done (so we can keep moving forward) is to channel the energy and frustration into something productive.
Ok, it’s early, I’m freezing my rear end off (it’s 60 degrees!! it was in the 80’s 2 days ago!!) and the kids are getting up and want breakfast. I’ll see you happy people later.
:)
This guy that the hubby works for is just such a selfish, ignorant bastard. I can see that karma is at work with this guy but as it’s causing everyone around him grief, it does suck. But, I’m not so sure the people being effected by his poor judgement, lack of morals are all so innocent. I mean, really, does my hubby have a history of being a caring, ethical human without a blemish of selfishness or greed on his record? HAHAHAHA! Yeah, right. The thought is quite hilarious.
I think what I’m getting at here is that while the scumboss is dishing out shit, the people who are receiving the shit could very well have dished out their own shit in the past and could possibly just be in line to receive that shit back. Now, I’m not saying that I haven’t dished out my own shit (yes, I have some points in my past that I’d just as soon say I never was there for, but I was. I own up to it, and I regret it. I don’t think that makes me immune to getting paid back for it though) and could possibly just be getting my just desserts. But, the kids don’t deserve this…of course, they don’t deserve any of the hell they’ve had to watch from the sidelines these last few years. I’m not sure where I stand on kids and karma…I think that they are supposed to be absorbing all this and using it as a learning tool when they are old enough to understand what is going on. Maybe? I don’t know. All I do know is that getting mad won’t help. The only thing that can be done (so we can keep moving forward) is to channel the energy and frustration into something productive.
Ok, it’s early, I’m freezing my rear end off (it’s 60 degrees!! it was in the 80’s 2 days ago!!) and the kids are getting up and want breakfast. I’ll see you happy people later.
:)
Monday, October 23, 2006
Just when you thought I was getting things under control…
HAHAHAHA!!!
The husband just messaged me that he’s going to be quitting his job. Well, that or taking a pay cut (they haven’t even given him his first promised raise, now they are cutting it in half!!) and being reassigned.
His boss is a fucking lunatic and an asshole. I swear. I wondered how his wife put up with his shit, but I was recently informed that she’s filed for divorce. I wonder if she needs people to verify that the guy is unstable? Hmmmm….
One of the people there said that two years ago, he made everyone take a week off UNPAID so he could save some money. This guy is a fucking millionaire!! He’s such an unstable piece of shit, he hires good people, they earn him money and then he takes it all out of their accounts to put into projects that never earn and only cost more and more and then has the balls to blame the people that earned him all the fucking money in the first place! You know what? He’s better off elsewhere. This guy is a trainwreck waiting to happen.
Ok, I’m done venting for the moment. I’m just pissed off now that this will put a kink in things. But it won’t stop my plans. I’m still moving forward.
:)
The husband just messaged me that he’s going to be quitting his job. Well, that or taking a pay cut (they haven’t even given him his first promised raise, now they are cutting it in half!!) and being reassigned.
His boss is a fucking lunatic and an asshole. I swear. I wondered how his wife put up with his shit, but I was recently informed that she’s filed for divorce. I wonder if she needs people to verify that the guy is unstable? Hmmmm….
One of the people there said that two years ago, he made everyone take a week off UNPAID so he could save some money. This guy is a fucking millionaire!! He’s such an unstable piece of shit, he hires good people, they earn him money and then he takes it all out of their accounts to put into projects that never earn and only cost more and more and then has the balls to blame the people that earned him all the fucking money in the first place! You know what? He’s better off elsewhere. This guy is a trainwreck waiting to happen.
Ok, I’m done venting for the moment. I’m just pissed off now that this will put a kink in things. But it won’t stop my plans. I’m still moving forward.
:)
Where the hell is Waldo??
We just got back from visiting Grandma in the hospital up in Jacksonville. I love going up there, I just wish it wasn’t to see her being treated for pneumonia. My family really is a fun lot…they had the breathing mask on Grandma and my aunt was telling her to say “Luke, I am your father…” like Darth Vader. With the mist coming out of it, it would have been a cool effect. The nurse must have thought we were nuts, making an 89 year old woman with pnuemonia laugh during her breathing treatment but…maybe that is why she made it to 89. She’s had a lot of laughter in her life. They really enjoy life up there. I wonder why I have to always make things so hard. Well..enough of that, I’m changing it all, no sense dwelling on shit that has already happened. Unless it’s to learn from it.
We drove home through Ocala. And now I’m really starting to see where I’m changing. When we moved, I agreed to come down because I’d been sold on coming to Ocala. I’m a horse junkie. It’s a logical place for me to live. Honestly, I’d have been in heaven if we’d gone there when we first moved down. BUT… Yeah, I said BUT. I’ll give you the BUT’s:
1. HE decided that he didn’t want to live there based on about 3 blocks of an outskirt area of Ocala and he hightailed it out of there faster than Seattle Slew broke from a starting gate. (there is a reason I think of Seattle Slew when thinking of my husband bolting from Ocala, but I’m sure I’ve bitched about that already)
2. I um…I am not sure I would be happy there now. Yes. Really. I freaking can’t believe it! We passed 1000’s of horses and I just kept thinking…I wish I could be happy here but I don’t think I can. I’ve been thinking I need to be on a mountain somewhere, away from people…but…was that me? did I decide that OR was that idea fed to me over the years til I decided it was me? I don’t want to live on a fucking mountain. I want a Starbucks and a Barnes and Noble within a 15 minute drive. I want museums, zoos, activities, culture, events, people with educations as neighbors, I want a creative surrounding, I want a place that is alive to surround me. I am quite sure that i can get my 20 acres, big barn, lots of horses and still be able to go get decent Sushi or sit and read one of my favorite UK based design magazines while sipping Starbucks in a big cushy chair. It has to be possible. And I’m gonna find it.
Ok, the Waldo reference…I just realized I skipped that bit. We drove the side roads all the way up and back, my kid was carsick and it was the only way to be able to pull over safely every 30 minutes. Normally, when driving through Waldo, all I do is watch the speedometer as the big billboards all claim it to be a big speed trap and I know that I have relatives who have all been pulled over for various reasons, most not good enough for most police officers to pull you over for…cause they aren’t even ticketable anywhere else (things like taillights not being quite bright enough - this is on a new car, mind you, not some old clunker that had a loose wire or something) So..normally I just watch the road, the speedometer and the lights…and ignore everything I’m passing. Well, I was the passenger going North and noticed a drive though espresso place…and on the way south I remembered it and went hunting (since I’d had no coffee in hours, not a good thing for me
) We stopped, got a cappucino and…I was pretty damned impressed. It was great. I think the place was called Elliano’s or something, but it was very good. And now, I’ve spent a whole paragraph to tell you I had a good cup of coffee…lol
Oh, I’m also starting to worry about Enyo. She had a bad day Thursday and hasn’t been back. I’m getting nervous and wish she’d come back online. I have had problems with blogger not updating for me, it’s like it’s cached the page and refuses to refresh even though every other page I go to will refresh. It could be my browser, but either way, I’m starting to worry. (I’ve just checked one last time and it seems blogger is having issues, so it could be that she just can’t get on there)
Ok, gotta do some work. BBL
:)
We drove home through Ocala. And now I’m really starting to see where I’m changing. When we moved, I agreed to come down because I’d been sold on coming to Ocala. I’m a horse junkie. It’s a logical place for me to live. Honestly, I’d have been in heaven if we’d gone there when we first moved down. BUT… Yeah, I said BUT. I’ll give you the BUT’s:
1. HE decided that he didn’t want to live there based on about 3 blocks of an outskirt area of Ocala and he hightailed it out of there faster than Seattle Slew broke from a starting gate. (there is a reason I think of Seattle Slew when thinking of my husband bolting from Ocala, but I’m sure I’ve bitched about that already)
2. I um…I am not sure I would be happy there now. Yes. Really. I freaking can’t believe it! We passed 1000’s of horses and I just kept thinking…I wish I could be happy here but I don’t think I can. I’ve been thinking I need to be on a mountain somewhere, away from people…but…was that me? did I decide that OR was that idea fed to me over the years til I decided it was me? I don’t want to live on a fucking mountain. I want a Starbucks and a Barnes and Noble within a 15 minute drive. I want museums, zoos, activities, culture, events, people with educations as neighbors, I want a creative surrounding, I want a place that is alive to surround me. I am quite sure that i can get my 20 acres, big barn, lots of horses and still be able to go get decent Sushi or sit and read one of my favorite UK based design magazines while sipping Starbucks in a big cushy chair. It has to be possible. And I’m gonna find it.
Ok, the Waldo reference…I just realized I skipped that bit. We drove the side roads all the way up and back, my kid was carsick and it was the only way to be able to pull over safely every 30 minutes. Normally, when driving through Waldo, all I do is watch the speedometer as the big billboards all claim it to be a big speed trap and I know that I have relatives who have all been pulled over for various reasons, most not good enough for most police officers to pull you over for…cause they aren’t even ticketable anywhere else (things like taillights not being quite bright enough - this is on a new car, mind you, not some old clunker that had a loose wire or something) So..normally I just watch the road, the speedometer and the lights…and ignore everything I’m passing. Well, I was the passenger going North and noticed a drive though espresso place…and on the way south I remembered it and went hunting (since I’d had no coffee in hours, not a good thing for me
) We stopped, got a cappucino and…I was pretty damned impressed. It was great. I think the place was called Elliano’s or something, but it was very good. And now, I’ve spent a whole paragraph to tell you I had a good cup of coffee…lolOh, I’m also starting to worry about Enyo. She had a bad day Thursday and hasn’t been back. I’m getting nervous and wish she’d come back online. I have had problems with blogger not updating for me, it’s like it’s cached the page and refuses to refresh even though every other page I go to will refresh. It could be my browser, but either way, I’m starting to worry. (I’ve just checked one last time and it seems blogger is having issues, so it could be that she just can’t get on there)
Ok, gotta do some work. BBL
:)
Friday, October 20, 2006
Moms funny email and telling people off and happy endings :)
Ok, before someone tries to tell me I’m an insensitive bitch…you can keep it to yourself, cause I just don’t care anymore 
There is a quote from Dolores Claiborne (Stephen King) where Vera Donovan is telling Dolores about her own past…she said, “Sometimes, being a bitch is all a woman has to hold on to.” I’ve always liked that statement for some reason. Now, I’m thinking I’m just about past the “bitch” stage (well, except from hubby’s pov) and I’m ready to be really positive. BUT in the meantime, there are a few people I’d like to tell off. After telling of my own hubby and his family, who think I’m a horrid mom and wife due to the lies he’s been telling them (so maybe it’s not their fault completely but they just are too happy to tell me how horrible I am so they need a telling off), I need to fly over to the UK and tell off a certain Fat Bastard. After collecting Enyo and her little one for a quick flight to the US so she can tell off the Fat Bastard’s mistress for not making the Fat Bastard leave and move to the States to be with her…then they can fly off to Australia and we’ll all live happily ever after!!! Ahhh…wouldn’t it be so nice? I’m very sure it will happen. And soon. I’ve got a good feeling, and since I haven’t had one in AGES! I’m gonna pay attention.
So back to this email mom sent…it’s crude, it’s funny…it’s just one of those things. Like it or ignore it. Your choice
There is a quote from Dolores Claiborne (Stephen King) where Vera Donovan is telling Dolores about her own past…she said, “Sometimes, being a bitch is all a woman has to hold on to.” I’ve always liked that statement for some reason. Now, I’m thinking I’m just about past the “bitch” stage (well, except from hubby’s pov) and I’m ready to be really positive. BUT in the meantime, there are a few people I’d like to tell off. After telling of my own hubby and his family, who think I’m a horrid mom and wife due to the lies he’s been telling them (so maybe it’s not their fault completely but they just are too happy to tell me how horrible I am so they need a telling off), I need to fly over to the UK and tell off a certain Fat Bastard. After collecting Enyo and her little one for a quick flight to the US so she can tell off the Fat Bastard’s mistress for not making the Fat Bastard leave and move to the States to be with her…then they can fly off to Australia and we’ll all live happily ever after!!! Ahhh…wouldn’t it be so nice? I’m very sure it will happen. And soon. I’ve got a good feeling, and since I haven’t had one in AGES! I’m gonna pay attention.
So back to this email mom sent…it’s crude, it’s funny…it’s just one of those things. Like it or ignore it. Your choice
From the outside looking in, it’s like watching a tennis match…
or maybe it’s like watching someone else on a rollercoaster. But I think since I’ve detached myself a bit and taken a step back…I’ve confirmed that it truly is not me that is crazy. He’s completely…I don’t even know what it is. Ungrounded? Unfocused? Unstable? He’s un-something. Whatever it is…he can have it. What an exhausted way to exist. I really don’t know how I managed to stay caught up in that for 13 years without coming completely unraveled.
ok, big gap there…the drunken fool came home. *sigh*
My best friend called the other day (we’ve been friends since 5th grade, and whether we get along at the time or not - it’s such a sister like relationship - she will be my “best friend” til my dying day) and enlightened me to a few things. One, that I was totally an idiot for kissing his ass these last 13 years. And Two, that I wasn’t hiding my pathetic behaviour from her very well. Shock to me. Really, I wasn’t trying to hide me being a big giant weenie that spent all day trying to please the unpleasable drunken fool, but I must have been ashamed at some level so I played up how great life was when we spoke on the phone. I would brag about how great of a house we had, the stuff we did, blah, blah, blah…and she would get pissed cause I was just screaming out for an intervention but she was 1800 miles away and not in a position to do anything about my pathetic lifestyle. And, she knows how hardheaded I am. I would never had listened to a word she said anyway. Got to learn it all the hard way. Yup, that’s me.
And now, I have got to get back to work. I’m designing like crazy and loving every minute of it.
:)
ok, big gap there…the drunken fool came home. *sigh*
My best friend called the other day (we’ve been friends since 5th grade, and whether we get along at the time or not - it’s such a sister like relationship - she will be my “best friend” til my dying day) and enlightened me to a few things. One, that I was totally an idiot for kissing his ass these last 13 years. And Two, that I wasn’t hiding my pathetic behaviour from her very well. Shock to me. Really, I wasn’t trying to hide me being a big giant weenie that spent all day trying to please the unpleasable drunken fool, but I must have been ashamed at some level so I played up how great life was when we spoke on the phone. I would brag about how great of a house we had, the stuff we did, blah, blah, blah…and she would get pissed cause I was just screaming out for an intervention but she was 1800 miles away and not in a position to do anything about my pathetic lifestyle. And, she knows how hardheaded I am. I would never had listened to a word she said anyway. Got to learn it all the hard way. Yup, that’s me.
And now, I have got to get back to work. I’m designing like crazy and loving every minute of it.
:)
Wednesday, October 11, 2006
busy busy busy…
Every time I say that I’m reminded of the nasty magician in Frosty the Snowman…
Today was busy though. Gymnastics is about a 40 minute drive, one way…that took up a chunk of the day. So did the crying and whining before we left…I don’t want to go, I want to go but my stomach hurts, I don’t want to go, I don’t want to miss it…I think these two have cabin fever from being stuck here for 2 weeks while they were sick and are starting to really lose their grip on being reasonable.
Tomorrow is ballet, let’s hope that is a better experience. We had to grocery shop and then race home, cook, clean, mow the grass, help the girls make a birthday card for their grandfather, take a shower and eat. Oh, and did i mention that during all that (within an hour and 30 minute time frame) I also worked. I made a few banners somewhere in there. We then rushed to his dad’s house for a birthday party, his dad doesn’t really know when he was born (they didn’t keep good records in Greece when he was born) so it fluctuates…this year they decided today would be a good day for a birthday. We hung out there, was pleasantly not treated like an asshole (only because there were other guests there this time) and then came home too late. The girls were wired on ice cream cake and soda and didn’t fall asleep til about 11:30. I worked a bit and now…I’m gonna go to bed and try to rest and hopefully get up early and start over again.
I did discover that my technology challenged husband has a MySpace account. Which is odd. I only discovered it by accident, as he let it slip while speaking to his sister and nephew. Definitely interesting to consider WHY he has it. Now, to most of you, it’s not a big deal. And I’m not thinking he’s off having a big fake life over there…it’s just that he never mentioned it. He can’t even get into his webmail to check it without help. So the fact that he’s got a MySpace acct seems weird. The fact that he failed to mention it is intriguing.
ok, enough of that stuff. Gonna hit the hay. I’m exhausted.
Have a great night!!
:)
Today was busy though. Gymnastics is about a 40 minute drive, one way…that took up a chunk of the day. So did the crying and whining before we left…I don’t want to go, I want to go but my stomach hurts, I don’t want to go, I don’t want to miss it…I think these two have cabin fever from being stuck here for 2 weeks while they were sick and are starting to really lose their grip on being reasonable.
Tomorrow is ballet, let’s hope that is a better experience. We had to grocery shop and then race home, cook, clean, mow the grass, help the girls make a birthday card for their grandfather, take a shower and eat. Oh, and did i mention that during all that (within an hour and 30 minute time frame) I also worked. I made a few banners somewhere in there. We then rushed to his dad’s house for a birthday party, his dad doesn’t really know when he was born (they didn’t keep good records in Greece when he was born) so it fluctuates…this year they decided today would be a good day for a birthday. We hung out there, was pleasantly not treated like an asshole (only because there were other guests there this time) and then came home too late. The girls were wired on ice cream cake and soda and didn’t fall asleep til about 11:30. I worked a bit and now…I’m gonna go to bed and try to rest and hopefully get up early and start over again.
I did discover that my technology challenged husband has a MySpace account. Which is odd. I only discovered it by accident, as he let it slip while speaking to his sister and nephew. Definitely interesting to consider WHY he has it. Now, to most of you, it’s not a big deal. And I’m not thinking he’s off having a big fake life over there…it’s just that he never mentioned it. He can’t even get into his webmail to check it without help. So the fact that he’s got a MySpace acct seems weird. The fact that he failed to mention it is intriguing.
ok, enough of that stuff. Gonna hit the hay. I’m exhausted.
Have a great night!!
:)
Sunday, October 08, 2006
I expect Rod Serling to step out from behind a door any moment.
I really might be in the Twilight Zone. One minute he’s pissed off and spewing obscenities about the world in general. One minute he’s totally unglued. And one minute he’s actually acting like his old self (I’m sure it’s a complete fabrication since that person is long gone). Although it is somewhat relaxing to not be fighting for the brief moment. I’m not buying the act when he does it, just taking advantage of a few minutes to breath. My life plan is still in action and I’m not changing it for anything.
Ok, gotta go work. I’m really liking this job, it is keeping me rather busy though. I think once we get everything settled into a routine, then I might have more personal time to post.
Off to build some website templates..see you all later.
:)
Ok, gotta go work. I’m really liking this job, it is keeping me rather busy though. I think once we get everything settled into a routine, then I might have more personal time to post.
Off to build some website templates..see you all later.
:)
Wednesday, October 04, 2006
he’s completely coming unwound. And apparently it’s all my fault
So, I’m really really happy. I can’t even express the coolness of my current work position. Again, it’s something I’ll get into later as I have loads to do and only a little time to squeak in a post here.
I’m looking at being able to afford to pay our bills. ALL of our bills. My job is that of a designer for a person who develops websites. Quite simple, and yet, exactly what I have always wanted. I suck at selling myself. I cave in to pressure and don’t think I’m good enough to warrant the prices I must charge. Now, I KNOW I’m good enough, but for some reason my self esteem just goes and hides when it comes time to give a quote. I end up giving away the farm and having to live with the annoying client who thinks his hundred dollars entitles him to 24/7 support as well as a high quality design and hosting and SEO and and and…well, you get the picture.
I always knew I needed a sales person but hell…how can I afford a sales person when I can’t even feed my kids?
At the recommendation of a very nice woman I speak to frequently, I started reinventing myself. I started with the attitude. I am talented, dammit. Then I actually felt a shift after I told off the hubby, I told him I was going to succeed despite him. Within a few hours, I had this job. Things started happening. I can feel the change.
Now, as I’m sitting here in my new position…I can see him falling apart. I’m watching from the outside and seeing his mood swings, his thoughts whirling in his head, his desperate need to be in control and his anxiety about the fact that he’s not any longer. He’s also lost control at work. Well, imagine that shit. You get drunk at work and people feel they can’t depend on you? All I can say is, I know how they feel.
So, one day he’s cordial. Then later he’s trying to be smooth and cool and make me relax and take some time off. The next day he’s not speaking to me. Then he’s just fucking out there again. Is he in a perpetual state of drunkeness? I think he might just be at this point.
Tonight, he’s come home and broken the towel rack off the wall, the light cord off the ceiling fan, the television remote control and his own cell phone. He’s pissed, bitching about everything and when I said the towel rack was a matter of a bit of joint compound and a trowel, he got mad at my optimism.
He’s coming unglued. I might be a tad scared too. I don’t know where it is going to go or how bad it’s going to get. I’ve yet to get my first paycheck. Will he totally freak if i actually get paid (I’m sure he’s thinking I’m making this whole job thing up).
Well, no matter what he’s going to do or how he’s coming unglued…I have work to do and I will keep an eye on his behaviour and act accordingly. I won’t let his intimidation and need to be in control ruin my current work. It’s my life now. And it’s not me that should be afraid. It’s him. He should be very afraid because his world as he knew it doesn’t exist and never will again.
I’ll see you all later.
:)
I’m looking at being able to afford to pay our bills. ALL of our bills. My job is that of a designer for a person who develops websites. Quite simple, and yet, exactly what I have always wanted. I suck at selling myself. I cave in to pressure and don’t think I’m good enough to warrant the prices I must charge. Now, I KNOW I’m good enough, but for some reason my self esteem just goes and hides when it comes time to give a quote. I end up giving away the farm and having to live with the annoying client who thinks his hundred dollars entitles him to 24/7 support as well as a high quality design and hosting and SEO and and and…well, you get the picture.
I always knew I needed a sales person but hell…how can I afford a sales person when I can’t even feed my kids?
At the recommendation of a very nice woman I speak to frequently, I started reinventing myself. I started with the attitude. I am talented, dammit.
Then I actually felt a shift after I told off the hubby, I told him I was going to succeed despite him. Within a few hours, I had this job. Things started happening. I can feel the change.Now, as I’m sitting here in my new position…I can see him falling apart. I’m watching from the outside and seeing his mood swings, his thoughts whirling in his head, his desperate need to be in control and his anxiety about the fact that he’s not any longer. He’s also lost control at work. Well, imagine that shit. You get drunk at work and people feel they can’t depend on you? All I can say is, I know how they feel.
So, one day he’s cordial. Then later he’s trying to be smooth and cool and make me relax and take some time off. The next day he’s not speaking to me. Then he’s just fucking out there again. Is he in a perpetual state of drunkeness? I think he might just be at this point.
Tonight, he’s come home and broken the towel rack off the wall, the light cord off the ceiling fan, the television remote control and his own cell phone. He’s pissed, bitching about everything and when I said the towel rack was a matter of a bit of joint compound and a trowel, he got mad at my optimism.
He’s coming unglued. I might be a tad scared too. I don’t know where it is going to go or how bad it’s going to get. I’ve yet to get my first paycheck. Will he totally freak if i actually get paid (I’m sure he’s thinking I’m making this whole job thing up).
Well, no matter what he’s going to do or how he’s coming unglued…I have work to do and I will keep an eye on his behaviour and act accordingly. I won’t let his intimidation and need to be in control ruin my current work. It’s my life now. And it’s not me that should be afraid. It’s him. He should be very afraid because his world as he knew it doesn’t exist and never will again.
I’ll see you all later.
:)
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