they have nothing to do with each other, I just thought I’d talk about both though.
Friday, hubby got hit by another car while sitting still in traffic. Our poor truck is mooshed in the back, but he’s alright and that is really what matters, right? The phone calls and interrogation by the insurance company has been quite exhausting though. I bought our insurance (we’d been illegal due to lack of money to pay for the crap) about an hour before he got hit. Good thing he hit hubby and not the other way around. It seems that esurance says you are covered from the minute you buy it BUT they won’t pay a claim that occurs within 12 days of purchasing it. Nice, huh? What exactly is the point of that crap? You are covered but we aren’t going to cover you. I’m not impressed. We don’t need them right now, but now that I know that…well, my attitude is not a good one. I’ll be rethinking this all around renewal time. The kid that hit him is 6 months older than my son. He’s 19 and this is not his first accident. He was looking pretty depressed by the time I got there to view the damage. But, like I said…no one got hurt and that is what counts. Maybe he’ll learn to drive safer and keep from killing someone in the future.
Business is getting good and now I’m afraid I have no idea how to keep it under control. I’ve hired two people to help me with stuff and I’m going to be looking for some design students to take on more jobs. Now I gotta make more money so I can pay my employees AND myself.
Ok, going to get back to work. See you all later!!
Monday, February 25, 2008
Tuesday, February 19, 2008
I’m gonna quit telling you I’ll be back…
…because when I do, I don’t make it back for weeks!
Just to give you an indication of how busy I am, I bought the book “How did I get so busy?” which is supposed to try to help you figure out why you keep overloading yourself with crap to do…and I haven’t had time to read anything but the first chapter. I think I’m gonna have to force this one, take an hour every other day or so. Otherwise, it isn’t going to get read. And I think I really need it!
On the personal level: shit is the same. Surprised? I’m not. All I can say is i have a plan. I’m working on the plan. the plan is working. Not sure there is much more to it right now.
I did have a thought earlier (as I was dragging the garbage cans back in the house while still clad in my Eeyore pajamas)…you have to wonder how much a person cares for you when they leave the house and have to almost drive over the cans to get out and don’t bother bringing them back up to the garage. Well, actually, I’m talking about someone who used to do it and now just doesn’t give a fuck about anything. It used to be something that “just had to be done” so he did it. Now it’s like he’s driving through the lawn to leave them for me to go get. He also used to be the one that took out the garbage, like he’d race me to get it. Now? I think I take it out 75% of the time. AND bringing the cans up is not a huge deal to me normally, but where we live is the main road of our neighborhood so it’s busy AND we get fined for having cans out past a certain time in the morning. So I have to panic and race out in my jammies to grab stinky cans and drag them up to the garage before the trash can police get me. He walks past them and up to the garage to get in his truck when he leaves in the morning. How hard is it to stick out your hand and grab the cans?
That was just one more thing I noticed today. The foundation is crumbling…I’m just reporting what I notice as I notice it.
ok, so I’m alive, I’m not stressed, I’m going to read my book and make some progress and I’m going to go to bed at a human hour (as opposed to a nocturnal animal hour) and get some rest.
Did I mention that I have PMS? I’m especially bitchy today so that might be why I thought of the trash can thing this morning as i was running them in so no one would see me in my jammies (it didn’t work, btw, neighbors all waved and smiled like I’m a loon, and maybe I am, who knows?? LOL )
Ok, going to read. See you all later!!
:)
Just to give you an indication of how busy I am, I bought the book “How did I get so busy?” which is supposed to try to help you figure out why you keep overloading yourself with crap to do…and I haven’t had time to read anything but the first chapter. I think I’m gonna have to force this one, take an hour every other day or so. Otherwise, it isn’t going to get read. And I think I really need it!
On the personal level: shit is the same. Surprised? I’m not. All I can say is i have a plan. I’m working on the plan. the plan is working. Not sure there is much more to it right now.
I did have a thought earlier (as I was dragging the garbage cans back in the house while still clad in my Eeyore pajamas)…you have to wonder how much a person cares for you when they leave the house and have to almost drive over the cans to get out and don’t bother bringing them back up to the garage. Well, actually, I’m talking about someone who used to do it and now just doesn’t give a fuck about anything. It used to be something that “just had to be done” so he did it. Now it’s like he’s driving through the lawn to leave them for me to go get. He also used to be the one that took out the garbage, like he’d race me to get it. Now? I think I take it out 75% of the time. AND bringing the cans up is not a huge deal to me normally, but where we live is the main road of our neighborhood so it’s busy AND we get fined for having cans out past a certain time in the morning. So I have to panic and race out in my jammies to grab stinky cans and drag them up to the garage before the trash can police get me. He walks past them and up to the garage to get in his truck when he leaves in the morning. How hard is it to stick out your hand and grab the cans?
That was just one more thing I noticed today. The foundation is crumbling…I’m just reporting what I notice as I notice it.
ok, so I’m alive, I’m not stressed, I’m going to read my book and make some progress and I’m going to go to bed at a human hour (as opposed to a nocturnal animal hour) and get some rest.
Did I mention that I have PMS? I’m especially bitchy today so that might be why I thought of the trash can thing this morning as i was running them in so no one would see me in my jammies (it didn’t work, btw, neighbors all waved and smiled like I’m a loon, and maybe I am, who knows?? LOL )
Ok, going to read. See you all later!!
:)
Sunday, January 27, 2008
I’m back :)
and really really tired. I got back on Wednesday but it’s been nonstop action ever since. I have bunches to tell but I’m so damned tired my eyes won’t focus. So I’m going to have to find time to write tomorrow after I get done tutoring someone.
Just wanted to check in…and now…I’m dragging my butt to bed.
See you all later!
:)
Just wanted to check in…and now…I’m dragging my butt to bed.
See you all later!
:)
Friday, January 18, 2008
While I’m gone
this is worth checking out:
http://www.whatkindofworlddoyouwant.com/
(and I checked it on snopes.com, it’s legit: http://www.snopes.com/inboxer/charity/whatkind.asp)
http://www.whatkindofworlddoyouwant.com/
(and I checked it on snopes.com, it’s legit: http://www.snopes.com/inboxer/charity/whatkind.asp)
I’ll be away from the computer
Just so no one thinks the worst…I’m taking a little vacation!! LOL
Actually, I’ll be driving all over the state of Florida but I’ll have my girls, my mom and my best friend and her son for most of it.
So…I’ll see you happy campers when I return on Wednesday. Have a wonderful weekend and start of next week!!
:)
Actually, I’ll be driving all over the state of Florida but I’ll have my girls, my mom and my best friend and her son for most of it.
So…I’ll see you happy campers when I return on Wednesday. Have a wonderful weekend and start of next week!!
:)
Wednesday, January 16, 2008
I’m worried about me too Karin :)
it’s been ages since I’ve had time to blog. I might need a vacation so I can just sit here and blog for hours and hours. LOL
As usual, I’m working my ass off, making lots of money and it’s all just going to fill in that big hole that someone dug in our financial situation. I’m hoping that one day I’ll start to see the top of the pile that I’m tossing in there. In fact I’m very excited about seeing the top of the pile. I wanna see the top of the pile, take a big bundle of cash off of it, and go buy food and clothes for my mom and family and friends who have been nice enough to bring me stuff when they knew we needed it.
Things are moving up in the world. I’m going to visit my best friend since 5th grade on Friday. She’s coming into town for a veterinary conference. That will be lots of fun. I should take my geriatric dog who has recently begun to fall apart and see if they need “guinea pig” for things that will make her a happier dog. She’s starting to get some odd things on her…it’s a bit disturbing. On the priority scale, she’s like fifth in line for a doctor. She’ll be ok, I’m tending to most of it myself. Mostly skin stuff that is easily remedied with some attention and some tar shampoo.
Hubby is definitely not compatible with me. It’s just the way it is. And I was dealing with the whole situation really well after some vigorous yoga sessions but it’s been 3 weeks and I’m starting to slip back into being mad at him for the entire time he’s in the house. That could have a little bit to do with him going and buying scotch after having not had any in months (or so he says). What the hell does he need that shit for if he went that far without it? What a waste. He’s also gotten in trouble at work for doing things that are blatantly against the rules and gets pissed at the people who discovered it when he gets caught. It’s amazing…if you listen to him, the whole world is out to screw him over.
Oh well. Things are pretty much still the same as usual relationship-wise. The relationship is dead, it just hasn’t laid down and stopped breathing yet.
*sigh*
…gotta get back to work now. See you all later!
As usual, I’m working my ass off, making lots of money and it’s all just going to fill in that big hole that someone dug in our financial situation. I’m hoping that one day I’ll start to see the top of the pile that I’m tossing in there. In fact I’m very excited about seeing the top of the pile. I wanna see the top of the pile, take a big bundle of cash off of it, and go buy food and clothes for my mom and family and friends who have been nice enough to bring me stuff when they knew we needed it.
Things are moving up in the world. I’m going to visit my best friend since 5th grade on Friday. She’s coming into town for a veterinary conference. That will be lots of fun. I should take my geriatric dog who has recently begun to fall apart and see if they need “guinea pig” for things that will make her a happier dog. She’s starting to get some odd things on her…it’s a bit disturbing. On the priority scale, she’s like fifth in line for a doctor. She’ll be ok, I’m tending to most of it myself. Mostly skin stuff that is easily remedied with some attention and some tar shampoo.
Hubby is definitely not compatible with me. It’s just the way it is. And I was dealing with the whole situation really well after some vigorous yoga sessions but it’s been 3 weeks and I’m starting to slip back into being mad at him for the entire time he’s in the house. That could have a little bit to do with him going and buying scotch after having not had any in months (or so he says). What the hell does he need that shit for if he went that far without it? What a waste. He’s also gotten in trouble at work for doing things that are blatantly against the rules and gets pissed at the people who discovered it when he gets caught. It’s amazing…if you listen to him, the whole world is out to screw him over.
Oh well. Things are pretty much still the same as usual relationship-wise. The relationship is dead, it just hasn’t laid down and stopped breathing yet.
*sigh*
…gotta get back to work now. See you all later!
Tuesday, December 25, 2007
MERRY CHRISTMAS!
I hope every one of you has a wonderful Christmas!!
I just finished wrapping gifts, and now I’m going to get horizontal for a few hours. See you after the festivities are over!
:)
I just finished wrapping gifts, and now I’m going to get horizontal for a few hours. See you after the festivities are over!
:)
Sunday, December 16, 2007
Unstable men
I know that my friends and my mom worry about me and the girls here, and lately I’m starting to wonder just HOW unstable the ole hubby really is. Nothing has happened here, but there has been a new reason for me to take yet another look at the possibilities.
This morning we woke up and I drank my coffee while he read some news article that he was browsing through. It seems a man in the area killed his ex wife, their two children and the ex wife’s live in girlfriend/lover. I think hubby’s comments were mostly aimed at the concept that some guy went nuts after his wife left him for a woman. That was the end of it. I was immediately aware that this was a good opportunity to bring up how absolutely sad that was that some person thought they had the right to take another persons life, and no matter what she had done, it did not warrant a death sentence for her, her kids and the lover (who had a 4 yr old as well, btw). Just so he knew my point on the matter in case he was considering such a thing.
That was the end of discussing it. Or so I thought.
A few hours after he left for work, my friend calls me. She’s in shock. She’s freaked. She’s whispering. I’m like, “What happened????”
Her, “Did you read the paper today?”
Me, “No”
Her, “Oh my God!! I’m in shock, I can’t believe it! I opened it up and the front page says 5 Die in Family Murder/Suicide” and I see the names and Oh my God!! I know them! WE know them! etc, etc….”
Turns out we do know them. She better than I, but we do. After a conversation shortened by children barging in (children who knew them too and who seemed to have radar and knew we didn’t want them within earshot to even hear the slightest bit of this), she gets upset and tells me that she’s worried my hubby is going to do the same.
Now, I have already admitted this is not a foreign idea…and that I’m fairy sure he’s not entirely emotionally stable…but how do you determine whether someone is “murder/suicide unstable” or just “I’m so stressed I’ll revert to being like my chauvinistic drunken asshole father and make up conversations we never even had unstable”?? And is there much difference? AND if I get paranoid and leave will it make him going from not dangerous unstable to dangerous unstable?
I have to say my gut says I should be very cautious but I don’t feel him doing anything like that. I think cautious here is more about me getting my ducks in a row before I spring anything like divorce papers on him cause that is going to make him just a little more unstable. But I see him downing a few bottles of scotch, spending the rest of his life bitching about what a miserable horrid bitch I am to his parents or anyone who will listen.
And, going back to the guy who did kill his kids and ex wife…HE was SO not someone you’d ever think was capable of that. Oh my God!! He LOVED, no..he ADORED, WORSHIPPED his kids. He was so happy, loving, open minded, it’s just fucking a shock to believe that this man did this. You never would have known! I guess he snapped after the whole divorce and his wife leaving for a woman, but…if he can snap, then anyone in the world could!
How do you know?
This morning we woke up and I drank my coffee while he read some news article that he was browsing through. It seems a man in the area killed his ex wife, their two children and the ex wife’s live in girlfriend/lover. I think hubby’s comments were mostly aimed at the concept that some guy went nuts after his wife left him for a woman. That was the end of it. I was immediately aware that this was a good opportunity to bring up how absolutely sad that was that some person thought they had the right to take another persons life, and no matter what she had done, it did not warrant a death sentence for her, her kids and the lover (who had a 4 yr old as well, btw). Just so he knew my point on the matter in case he was considering such a thing.
That was the end of discussing it. Or so I thought.A few hours after he left for work, my friend calls me. She’s in shock. She’s freaked. She’s whispering. I’m like, “What happened????”
Her, “Did you read the paper today?”
Me, “No”
Her, “Oh my God!! I’m in shock, I can’t believe it! I opened it up and the front page says 5 Die in Family Murder/Suicide” and I see the names and Oh my God!! I know them! WE know them! etc, etc….”
Turns out we do know them. She better than I, but we do. After a conversation shortened by children barging in (children who knew them too and who seemed to have radar and knew we didn’t want them within earshot to even hear the slightest bit of this), she gets upset and tells me that she’s worried my hubby is going to do the same.
Now, I have already admitted this is not a foreign idea…and that I’m fairy sure he’s not entirely emotionally stable…but how do you determine whether someone is “murder/suicide unstable” or just “I’m so stressed I’ll revert to being like my chauvinistic drunken asshole father and make up conversations we never even had unstable”?? And is there much difference? AND if I get paranoid and leave will it make him going from not dangerous unstable to dangerous unstable?
I have to say my gut says I should be very cautious but I don’t feel him doing anything like that. I think cautious here is more about me getting my ducks in a row before I spring anything like divorce papers on him cause that is going to make him just a little more unstable. But I see him downing a few bottles of scotch, spending the rest of his life bitching about what a miserable horrid bitch I am to his parents or anyone who will listen.
And, going back to the guy who did kill his kids and ex wife…HE was SO not someone you’d ever think was capable of that. Oh my God!! He LOVED, no..he ADORED, WORSHIPPED his kids. He was so happy, loving, open minded, it’s just fucking a shock to believe that this man did this. You never would have known! I guess he snapped after the whole divorce and his wife leaving for a woman, but…if he can snap, then anyone in the world could!
How do you know?
Being pissed isn’t helping my productivity
So I’ve decided to drop the emotions involved with mom’s problem with the bank and get on with my work. I’ve become WAY overbooked today and must finish some jobs today. I won’t be getting anywhere dragging all that around. Have you ever noticed how heavy that crap (being mad and indignant) is? It’s exhausting to carry around all day.
OK, I’m off to have coffee, do some planning for the day and give myself a general attitude adjustment.
See you all later on!
Have a great day,
:)
OK, I’m off to have coffee, do some planning for the day and give myself a general attitude adjustment.
See you all later on!
Have a great day,
:)
Sunday, December 02, 2007
I wish I could record the thoughts in my head…
…straight to my computer. I have these amazing, blog entry worthy thoughts but…always when I can’t write them down. I start thinking in the shower or while driving and I clearly see why I do things. I find the process fascinating, it’s like a series of locks, clicking to an unlocked position and each one that I go through grants me a little more clarity.
Then I get distracted and the thought it lost forever.
An example that I just remembered: I’m driving to a party for my kids last night and I’m thinking about my “I want to be like Dolly post”. And I’m like, “Ok, it would be great to be like Dolly but I can’t ACT like Dolly. That’s just nuts. How can I actually ACT like her??” I’m not talking about talking like her or anything, I’m talking about being that outgoing and happy and just loving life so much that I make people around me enjoy life just by being in my presence. Making people feel important and good without being a servant to them. My mom mentioned a quote about “Dance to the song of life and people will dance with you”, that reminds me of the feeling I’m searching for.
And my “other” voice, defiant as usual…”WHY can’t I act like that?? Who the hell is in charge of this life, if not me? And so what if the miserable bastards I’m around now think I’m nuts? Their opinions don’t mean squat! I don’t want to be bowing to the opinion of a miserable bastard! That’s more nuts than letting myself be someone people enjoy being around!”
Ok, so I have in-depth discussions with myself. But for so many years…there was no other voice in my head. There was no instinct to survive. I was a numb lump of shit. So if I chatting with my “other” voice in my head is what it takes to build up the nerve to be all I can be…well, I guess I’m just gonna have to do it.
I don’t want to be scared to live anymore. I don’t want to be scared of who I really am. I’m deathly afraid of letting myself be me. I could get into a whole explanation right now but I have to go get some work done. I will say that breaking the spirit of a child by scaring them into being quiet, just so that an adult can do whatever it is adults have to do…and putting them down because the adult can’t understand their need to be outgoing…can do some serious damage. Serious. It can cause kids to think they aren’t worth as much as that TV show you want to watch or that book you want to read. It can also create adults who think they aren’t worth as much as everyone else. Adults who think the world would be better off without them. Adults who continue the cycle of abuse (yes, scaring someone into doing what you want is abusive) with their own kids because they don’t realize they are even doing it.
I’m not going to be scared to live anymore, dammit!! Even if I use my kids as an excuse why I need to change…it’s a start.
I want my kids to enjoy being them. I never want my children to be convinced that if they were gone, the world would run a little smoother. That one thought is enough to get me motivated I think.
Ok, going to work now…see you all later!!
:)
Then I get distracted and the thought it lost forever.
An example that I just remembered: I’m driving to a party for my kids last night and I’m thinking about my “I want to be like Dolly post”. And I’m like, “Ok, it would be great to be like Dolly but I can’t ACT like Dolly. That’s just nuts. How can I actually ACT like her??” I’m not talking about talking like her or anything, I’m talking about being that outgoing and happy and just loving life so much that I make people around me enjoy life just by being in my presence. Making people feel important and good without being a servant to them. My mom mentioned a quote about “Dance to the song of life and people will dance with you”, that reminds me of the feeling I’m searching for.
And my “other” voice, defiant as usual…”WHY can’t I act like that?? Who the hell is in charge of this life, if not me? And so what if the miserable bastards I’m around now think I’m nuts? Their opinions don’t mean squat! I don’t want to be bowing to the opinion of a miserable bastard! That’s more nuts than letting myself be someone people enjoy being around!”
Ok, so I have in-depth discussions with myself. But for so many years…there was no other voice in my head. There was no instinct to survive. I was a numb lump of shit. So if I chatting with my “other” voice in my head is what it takes to build up the nerve to be all I can be…well, I guess I’m just gonna have to do it.
I don’t want to be scared to live anymore. I don’t want to be scared of who I really am. I’m deathly afraid of letting myself be me. I could get into a whole explanation right now but I have to go get some work done. I will say that breaking the spirit of a child by scaring them into being quiet, just so that an adult can do whatever it is adults have to do…and putting them down because the adult can’t understand their need to be outgoing…can do some serious damage. Serious. It can cause kids to think they aren’t worth as much as that TV show you want to watch or that book you want to read. It can also create adults who think they aren’t worth as much as everyone else. Adults who think the world would be better off without them. Adults who continue the cycle of abuse (yes, scaring someone into doing what you want is abusive) with their own kids because they don’t realize they are even doing it.
I’m not going to be scared to live anymore, dammit!! Even if I use my kids as an excuse why I need to change…it’s a start.
I want my kids to enjoy being them. I never want my children to be convinced that if they were gone, the world would run a little smoother. That one thought is enough to get me motivated I think.Ok, going to work now…see you all later!!
:)
Saturday, December 01, 2007
really quick update
ok, I have 3.5 minutes so let’s get you up to speed:
I do wish I could find the right path.
I’ll just have to keep looking.
:)
- hubby and I had a very positive chat a week or more ago (who can tell, time seems to fold over itself here)
- hubby relapsed within days and had to be told off, I mean, chatted with again.
- power was turned off in house had to go to moms (they actually get all bent out of shape when you don’t pay the bill!!)
- hubby relapsed again
- spent 3 days at moms with crabby hubby and crazy brother
- got money, paid light bill
- found out internet was being turned off
- got money, paid internet bill
- hubby relapses again and has to be told this isn’t worth it and I’m so over the bullshit that I just don’t even want to waste my energy on the relationship anymore
- ten minutes later hubby is talking to me like nothing happened and wants to know if we can be friends again. I’m not sure I responded to that but he seems to think we are friends again.
I do wish I could find the right path.
I’ll just have to keep looking.
:)
Friday, November 30, 2007
How well do you know the US?
I was surprised I got some of these right! LOL I got 84%….
Take the quiz: How well do you know the US?
Take the quiz: How well do you know the US?
Wednesday, November 28, 2007
Dolly Rules!
I have always liked Dolly’s attitude. She’s happy, positive, enthusiastic, optimistic, charitable, hospitable, caring, AND she can sing! I think that is who I’m going to try to use as a role model. Dolly Parton. She’s the one.
It’s time to be drastic, to take a chance, to be someone I can respect. I want to know that when I leave this world, I will have made a difference. I will also have shaped the lives of two incredible and vital members of their generation. I will have made my son also happy with his life (although he’s off on his own so I will have to accept that he’s making his own choices and trust him to make the right ones.)
in the not so accurate words of Andy Dufresne (or actually Stephen King and I’m tired as hell so this might not be quoted to a “T”)…It’s time to get busy living or get busy dying…
I choose to LIVE.
:)
It’s time to be drastic, to take a chance, to be someone I can respect. I want to know that when I leave this world, I will have made a difference. I will also have shaped the lives of two incredible and vital members of their generation. I will have made my son also happy with his life (although he’s off on his own so I will have to accept that he’s making his own choices and trust him to make the right ones.)
in the not so accurate words of Andy Dufresne (or actually Stephen King and I’m tired as hell so this might not be quoted to a “T”)…It’s time to get busy living or get busy dying…
I choose to LIVE.
:)
Sunday, November 18, 2007
Something to relax to
Or if you are like me, more stuff to add to your website….
www.SharkBreak.com
PS. I tried to embed the widget but it blew up my site…so if you plan on adding it to your site (it is very cool) just make sure you view the page before you wander off…
www.SharkBreak.com
PS. I tried to embed the widget but it blew up my site…so if you plan on adding it to your site (it is very cool) just make sure you view the page before you wander off…
Monday, November 05, 2007
Updates from the land of chaos
Things here are the same, pretty much. I’m building my business and working on providing enough income to support myself and the girls. And the dog, cat and turtles. Probably the saltwater tank since it’s been reduced to one for now. The girls and I will most likely be at moms again in a day or so, since the power here will be getting shut off. Never a dull day here. I’m juggling two major clients, a handful of small ones and some big internal projects…I’m psyched and moving forward, despite dragging his dead weight. And no matter how much I make, it’s just not enough. The hole is too big. And he’s basically hiding in his office watching YouTube (my 8 year old’s desciption of how dad spends his time, not mine) and bitching about how everyone else is a bunch of lazy, worthless, miserable assholes that are just trying to fuck with him.
*sigh*
Well, all we can do is keep moving forward, right?
I went and had my nails done this weekend after a marketing seminar that I went to. I hadn’t planned on it, but my mom and the girls were there still when I got done so I met them. They were having a girls day out (avoiding dad and the cloud of misery) and having quite a good time. I have day-glo pink nails that you can probably see from 10 miles away. The girls picked it out. I love it.
I spent so much of my life in dark or natural colors…trying to blend into the wall I think. My Best Friend in KC once commented on how she had no idea I liked bright colors. I was shocked! I LOVE bright colors. I’m gonna go on a wild bright color painting kick before they finally take the house away from us!! LOL Anyway, I was just shocked but then I thought about it. She was with me from 5th grade til 9th grade. Then I moved 2000 miles away. We’ve seen each other a dozen times since. All she saw me in was jeans, concert t-shirts and black Members Only jackets (fake ones actually, no WAY my dad would fork over the money to buy me a REAL one). So she knows me, but she doesn’t know me.
I think that when I started thinking about her not knowing me, and going over all the things she wasn’t aware of about me…I realized I didn’t know myself. I liked all this stuff, wanted to be all these things…and what was I doing? Not a fucking bit of it. I was living someone else’s life!! Talk about a shock!!
So now my wardrobe is mostly jeans and black pants…some khaki…and lots of bright BRIGHT pink, orange, coral, green, patchwork, rainbow…shirts. I have one black concert t-shirt. But it’s from a Journey concert I took my mom to at the PNC Arts Center in NJ a while back. So, it’s not like a Deep Purple, Lynyrd Skynyrd, or Slayer black T-shirt. It just doesn’t have the attitude. I have some white ones too…but those are mostly horse product tshirts I got when volunteering at shelters. Everyone wanted the dog and cat stuff, so I took all the horse stuff…worked for me.
I’ve got the itch for some bright pink Manic Panic in my hair again too…not the whole thing, but maybe just the underneath part in the back…or some tips.
My inner artist is out. It’s loose. It’s free!!!! And it’s gonna paint some fucking thing soon or it’s gonna go nuts!! LOL
I have to go get some work done…I’ll try to get back in here more often. It’s hard but I miss my blogtherapy…I think I NEED my blogtherapy.
:)
*sigh*
Well, all we can do is keep moving forward, right?
I went and had my nails done this weekend after a marketing seminar that I went to. I hadn’t planned on it, but my mom and the girls were there still when I got done so I met them. They were having a girls day out (avoiding dad and the cloud of misery) and having quite a good time. I have day-glo pink nails that you can probably see from 10 miles away. The girls picked it out. I love it.
I spent so much of my life in dark or natural colors…trying to blend into the wall I think. My Best Friend in KC once commented on how she had no idea I liked bright colors. I was shocked! I LOVE bright colors. I’m gonna go on a wild bright color painting kick before they finally take the house away from us!! LOL Anyway, I was just shocked but then I thought about it. She was with me from 5th grade til 9th grade. Then I moved 2000 miles away. We’ve seen each other a dozen times since. All she saw me in was jeans, concert t-shirts and black Members Only jackets (fake ones actually, no WAY my dad would fork over the money to buy me a REAL one). So she knows me, but she doesn’t know me.
I think that when I started thinking about her not knowing me, and going over all the things she wasn’t aware of about me…I realized I didn’t know myself. I liked all this stuff, wanted to be all these things…and what was I doing? Not a fucking bit of it. I was living someone else’s life!! Talk about a shock!!
So now my wardrobe is mostly jeans and black pants…some khaki…and lots of bright BRIGHT pink, orange, coral, green, patchwork, rainbow…shirts. I have one black concert t-shirt. But it’s from a Journey concert I took my mom to at the PNC Arts Center in NJ a while back. So, it’s not like a Deep Purple, Lynyrd Skynyrd, or Slayer black T-shirt. It just doesn’t have the attitude. I have some white ones too…but those are mostly horse product tshirts I got when volunteering at shelters. Everyone wanted the dog and cat stuff, so I took all the horse stuff…worked for me.
I’ve got the itch for some bright pink Manic Panic in my hair again too…not the whole thing, but maybe just the underneath part in the back…or some tips.
My inner artist is out. It’s loose. It’s free!!!! And it’s gonna paint some fucking thing soon or it’s gonna go nuts!! LOL
I have to go get some work done…I’ll try to get back in here more often. It’s hard but I miss my blogtherapy…I think I NEED my blogtherapy.
:)
Monday, October 29, 2007
I got an award!!
For babbling!! LOL
Thanks Solarisgal…you rock!
(the award is to the left at the top of the sidebar)
:)
P.S. I wasn’t the only one who got one…I should mention my fellow blogging award winners here:
Jaded got the Open Mind Blogger Award
Lara got the Break Out Blogger Award
MT_Detroit also got the Blogging Community Involvement Award
Meg got the Courageous Blogger Award
AkaKarma got the Blogging That Hits the Spot Award
KissMeKate also got the Blogging That Hits the Spot Award
LimerickGal got the Rockin’ Girl Blogger Award
What can I say? I hang with an award winning crowd? LOL
Thanks Solarisgal…you rock!
(the award is to the left at the top of the sidebar)
:)
P.S. I wasn’t the only one who got one…I should mention my fellow blogging award winners here:
Jaded got the Open Mind Blogger Award
Lara got the Break Out Blogger Award
MT_Detroit also got the Blogging Community Involvement Award
Meg got the Courageous Blogger Award
AkaKarma got the Blogging That Hits the Spot Award
KissMeKate also got the Blogging That Hits the Spot Award
LimerickGal got the Rockin’ Girl Blogger Award
What can I say? I hang with an award winning crowd? LOL
I am developing a disturbing dislike for
members of the opposite sex. I can not believe that every man out there is insensitive, selfish, thoughtless, irresponsible, and is only motivated to be nice when he thinks he might have a chance at getting laid…BUT I’m getting close to believing.
I hope when this is all over, I can find a way to get rid of that feeling. It really does suck to feel so negatively about people based only on the fact that they have a penis.
And yes, I see no way this relationship can be recovered. I’ve emotionally divorced him at this point and it’s the only thing that has made life bearable. Being pissed off all the time was just exhausting. Now, I just don’t care. I’ve had 2 WTF moments with him in the last week and they were honestly the final straw. I might get into it around PMS time if I feel the need to vent but right now let’s just say I’ve seen where I stand in his list of priorities.
And I’m not amused by what I saw.
I pretty much rank after the advertisement papers in the Sunday newspaper. I do hope he’ll be happy when those are the only thing he has to speak to in the future.
Ok, I’m taking my crabby ass to bed.
nite all!
:)
I hope when this is all over, I can find a way to get rid of that feeling. It really does suck to feel so negatively about people based only on the fact that they have a penis.
And yes, I see no way this relationship can be recovered. I’ve emotionally divorced him at this point and it’s the only thing that has made life bearable. Being pissed off all the time was just exhausting. Now, I just don’t care. I’ve had 2 WTF moments with him in the last week and they were honestly the final straw. I might get into it around PMS time if I feel the need to vent but right now let’s just say I’ve seen where I stand in his list of priorities.
And I’m not amused by what I saw.
I pretty much rank after the advertisement papers in the Sunday newspaper. I do hope he’ll be happy when those are the only thing he has to speak to in the future.
Ok, I’m taking my crabby ass to bed.
nite all!
:)
Sunday, October 14, 2007
If I weren’t in the middle of PMS…
would this still seem as funny? Yeah…I’m sure it would! LOL
UCLA STUDY
A study conducted by UCLA’s Department of Psychiatry has revealed that
the kind of face a woman finds attractive on a man can differ
depending on where she is in her menstrual cycle.
For example: If she is ovulating, she is attracted to men with rugged
and masculine features. However, if she is menstruating or menopausal,
she tends to be more attracted to a man with duct tape over his mouth
and a spear lodged in his forehead while he is on fire.
No further studies are expected.
UCLA STUDY
A study conducted by UCLA’s Department of Psychiatry has revealed that
the kind of face a woman finds attractive on a man can differ
depending on where she is in her menstrual cycle.
For example: If she is ovulating, she is attracted to men with rugged
and masculine features. However, if she is menstruating or menopausal,
she tends to be more attracted to a man with duct tape over his mouth
and a spear lodged in his forehead while he is on fire.
No further studies are expected.
Friday, September 28, 2007
It’s not so bad
sorry Solaris, I’m not gonna freak you out tonight.
As of today, either his will to survive has kicked in or he’s just manipulating me into thinking he’s attempting to make a change. I suggested that maybe he needs a new job since 1. they aren’t paying him nearly what was promised 2. the stress level is way beyond what was implied and 3. he’s miserable as hell. I think that when you try to go against what you were meant to do, you can NOT be happy and you can NOT succeed. (and he’s taken not succeeding to a whole new level recently.) Just like we can’t be happy in a relationship where we are not allowed to be ourselves, we can not do a job that deprives us of our natural character. He’s always done things that make him miserable. He grew up thinking you were supposed to be miserable. His parents reek of misery. They have money (their goal in life)…but all their kids are emotionally fucked up and no one likes them much. I’d rather have my loving family and my money problems, thanks. Well, I’m not so sure my husband likes me much right now, but I have 3 kids that do, 1 mom and 100 very close relatives that would be willing to give me the time of day…so I consider myself pretty well off.
Back to the job issue. I politely suggested (reality: I IM’d his ass with links and an attitude) that he check some sites my mom found with scuba diving jobs. I did also mention that if he did not make some sort of change in a positive direction that he’d be spending 16 hours a day being depressed and watching nothing but youtube videos from his parents house instead of his office here. Within an hour there was someone calling about a job interview. Obviously I hit some nerve.
Later that day, he had dragged out a box of sea treasures out to show the kids. We have things from the Atocha, the USS San Diego and a few other wrecks that he was explaining to the girls for quite a long time.
Please let this be the right path for him! When we met he was in pre-med classes at a fairly high level school in NJ and switched towards a degree in Marine Biology because that was what really interested him. He had also just bought his father’s restaurant so the college courses came to an abrupt halt shortly after that. But he loves this stuff. I can’t even count how many salt water tanks we have in our home. Really. They are everywhere. I even had plans made up to move our small galley kitchen and make the area it is in now into a fish tank. Sort of a huge room divider 1000 gallon fish tank. (Yes, I was serious about that.) We have created our own reefs, he propagates corals, we hatch shark eggs…our house is a living science class. HE LOVES THIS STUFF! I like it too. But I don’t want to do it for a living. Or at least I never considered it. I was going to school to become a veterinarian so, really, it’s not all that far off from my original plans for life. I had planned on fixing horses instead of sea horses though.
Speaking of careers, I’ve been getting comments lately that are making me stop and realize…(please don’t take this the wrong way)…I’m damned good at what I do. It’s people that are hiring me saying so. Then they send me uncomfortably large sums of money…uncomfortable for me since i still have the mindset that what I do is easy so I shouldn’t charge much for it. I’ve only just begun to change my mind about money…I think certain words like “foreclosure” and “repossession” help change your ideas about money real quick. LOL Anyway, I realized I’m good at what I do. I don’t ever dread working. I ‘could’ be earning enough money to pay all the bills if I’d quit trying to shortchange myself.
If hubby could be as happy at his work as I am at mine…I think we could accomplish so much more.
I could also be just fine living in a little bungalow in the Keys as long as I have high speed internet and access to horses within an hour drive or boat ride.
Ok, gotta get some stuff done. I just wanted to let you know I’ve not totally pulled the plug but was feeling some serious frustration the other day.
Talk to you all later!!
:)
As of today, either his will to survive has kicked in or he’s just manipulating me into thinking he’s attempting to make a change. I suggested that maybe he needs a new job since 1. they aren’t paying him nearly what was promised 2. the stress level is way beyond what was implied and 3. he’s miserable as hell. I think that when you try to go against what you were meant to do, you can NOT be happy and you can NOT succeed. (and he’s taken not succeeding to a whole new level recently.) Just like we can’t be happy in a relationship where we are not allowed to be ourselves, we can not do a job that deprives us of our natural character. He’s always done things that make him miserable. He grew up thinking you were supposed to be miserable. His parents reek of misery. They have money (their goal in life)…but all their kids are emotionally fucked up and no one likes them much. I’d rather have my loving family and my money problems, thanks. Well, I’m not so sure my husband likes me much right now, but I have 3 kids that do, 1 mom and 100 very close relatives that would be willing to give me the time of day…so I consider myself pretty well off.
Back to the job issue. I politely suggested (reality: I IM’d his ass with links and an attitude) that he check some sites my mom found with scuba diving jobs. I did also mention that if he did not make some sort of change in a positive direction that he’d be spending 16 hours a day being depressed and watching nothing but youtube videos from his parents house instead of his office here. Within an hour there was someone calling about a job interview. Obviously I hit some nerve.
Later that day, he had dragged out a box of sea treasures out to show the kids. We have things from the Atocha, the USS San Diego and a few other wrecks that he was explaining to the girls for quite a long time.
Please let this be the right path for him! When we met he was in pre-med classes at a fairly high level school in NJ and switched towards a degree in Marine Biology because that was what really interested him. He had also just bought his father’s restaurant so the college courses came to an abrupt halt shortly after that. But he loves this stuff. I can’t even count how many salt water tanks we have in our home. Really. They are everywhere. I even had plans made up to move our small galley kitchen and make the area it is in now into a fish tank. Sort of a huge room divider 1000 gallon fish tank. (Yes, I was serious about that.) We have created our own reefs, he propagates corals, we hatch shark eggs…our house is a living science class. HE LOVES THIS STUFF! I like it too. But I don’t want to do it for a living. Or at least I never considered it. I was going to school to become a veterinarian so, really, it’s not all that far off from my original plans for life. I had planned on fixing horses instead of sea horses though.
Speaking of careers, I’ve been getting comments lately that are making me stop and realize…(please don’t take this the wrong way)…I’m damned good at what I do. It’s people that are hiring me saying so. Then they send me uncomfortably large sums of money…uncomfortable for me since i still have the mindset that what I do is easy so I shouldn’t charge much for it. I’ve only just begun to change my mind about money…I think certain words like “foreclosure” and “repossession” help change your ideas about money real quick. LOL Anyway, I realized I’m good at what I do. I don’t ever dread working. I ‘could’ be earning enough money to pay all the bills if I’d quit trying to shortchange myself.
If hubby could be as happy at his work as I am at mine…I think we could accomplish so much more.
I could also be just fine living in a little bungalow in the Keys as long as I have high speed internet and access to horses within an hour drive or boat ride.
Ok, gotta get some stuff done. I just wanted to let you know I’ve not totally pulled the plug but was feeling some serious frustration the other day.
Talk to you all later!!
:)
Wednesday, September 26, 2007
I hate to say this
but even with the alcohol the shit here is going bad again. Did I really think things were going to be so great? I was very hopeful.
I’ve tried not to bitch too much, but I’m going to have to take action. After talking to my mom and best friend from when I was 10 for hours last night…I have realized that denial isn’t getting me anywhere.
I can bitch about all that hubby does wrong, but that won’t get me any closer to being happy.
I can make a plan and stick to it no matter what Captain Chaos tries to throw my way. That is the only option really. Oh, the thought of that makes me tired. But I am almost as tired of being tired as I am of listening to myself whine.
So, I say to everyone in my usual tactless way…it’s time for me to shit or get off the pot. If you want to hang around, you are more than welcome to. But don’t bitch at me when it starts to get unpleasant in here! LOL
The prospects of what my future holds scares me to the point of hives. I am literally breaking out in large welts all over my face as I type.
As of this moment, all I can do is work on my own and my girls futures…even if it means creating progress in a warzone. It has to be done for all of our sakes.
And I can’t keep typing to avoid life (as much as I’d like to). I’ll be back later.
I am now putting on my shiny suit of armor and mounting my magnificent steed…the battle with my own bad habits and lack of self worth is about to commence…consider yourselves warned!
:)
I’ve tried not to bitch too much, but I’m going to have to take action. After talking to my mom and best friend from when I was 10 for hours last night…I have realized that denial isn’t getting me anywhere.
I can bitch about all that hubby does wrong, but that won’t get me any closer to being happy.
I can make a plan and stick to it no matter what Captain Chaos tries to throw my way. That is the only option really. Oh, the thought of that makes me tired. But I am almost as tired of being tired as I am of listening to myself whine.
So, I say to everyone in my usual tactless way…it’s time for me to shit or get off the pot. If you want to hang around, you are more than welcome to. But don’t bitch at me when it starts to get unpleasant in here! LOL
The prospects of what my future holds scares me to the point of hives. I am literally breaking out in large welts all over my face as I type.
As of this moment, all I can do is work on my own and my girls futures…even if it means creating progress in a warzone. It has to be done for all of our sakes.
And I can’t keep typing to avoid life (as much as I’d like to). I’ll be back later.
I am now putting on my shiny suit of armor and mounting my magnificent steed…the battle with my own bad habits and lack of self worth is about to commence…consider yourselves warned!
:)
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