I have to praise these workbooks we got

I found some workbooks at Borders book store about a month ago and I just have to let you know how much my kids love them. They are made by the same people who make Hooked On Phonics, and they come with the same poster/sticker system. I bought all three books, as I’m not real sure what the youngest knows or is ready for yet. We got Hooked On Pre-K, Hooked On Kindergarten, and Hooked on 1st Grade. I’m hoping they come out with a hooked on 2nd grade before the oldest is finished. These books are only math, language arts, and logical type problem solving/puzzle sections. But I love how enthusiastic the kids are about them. The Hooked on Pre-K has a coloring section which allows for her to get stickers (in the book and on the poster) while I read their history lessons and go over the answers with the older one. She feels like she’s participating and getting rewards. Definite bonus. Before I had a coloring book which was her “school book” that she’d “work” in while the older one and I went through History and Science together. I even bought some stickers for the pages she finished, but this system just makes her so much more happy about it all. I’m only interested in them loving to learn and them getting their basic skills learned and set in their brains for the future.

My son sort of lost his enthusiasm for learning about the time he started school. His dad and I were divorced by then, and I was left out of the loop (since I chose to let him stay in his familiar house and live with his dad) and never got any reports from school. As he got older, he just got worse. Aside from reading a Calvin and Hobbes or Far Side book (not that they are really what I’d consider “books”) he’s not read anything voluntarily in um…oh wow…ever. I’m trying to save the girls from losing that love of learning. He was so enthusiastic as a young child, it makes me want to kick some teachers ass for killing his spirit. And not only for him, but for me as well. I remember being yelled at for having finished my whole text book in the first week of school (yeah, I’m a total geek) because it made the other kids feel bad. Um…it’s not my fault they were interested in other things. Of course, as a child, it’s traumatic to be told by a teacher, in front of your whole class, that you did something wrong…that doing all your text book lessons in one week was BAD…that learning quickly was a BAD THING!! It shouldn’t be any wonder that I have no respect for the public school system. And I found out that my son was being subjected to that same ass backwards way of thinking when it was almost too late. I think moving him to a better school system and then pulling him out completely, when we moved to this state, to homeschool him was the only way he didn’t end up completely beaten down.

He still didn’t do incredibly well. He was a grade A con artist by then…could get out of doing a lesson in less than 10 seconds and leave me thinking I’d done something great. Now he’s living on his own though and he’s found out that he can’t do that any more. It’s quite a shock to the little shit.

Well, I’ve had a long day and I’m exhausted.

See ya!!

It’s been a while, sorry

but I thought things were going fairly well.  I’m sure you all could have told me that wasn’t gonna last.

I keep trying to be positive and optimistic but sometimes it’s hard to do.  He made it like 3 days of not drinking.  Which is a lot for him.  But it’s not enough for me.  And yesterday he  totally fell off the wagon.  After doing his usual attack on what I do to earn money the day before.

I just don’t want to keep giving him the time it takes me to bitch about it any more.  It’s like I’m allowing him to control my world even when he’s not here.

I have more work I have to get done.  Although, I’ve not gotten paid in a few weeks.  Yes, go ahead and tell me I’m stupid for doing anything when I’ve not gotten money.  They owe me $600 which is alot but not alot really, BUT I’m getting side jobs from them referring other people which is making more than they owe me so it’s complicated.  And then there is the potential business that we are all working to build.  The whole thing makes sense to me, and he makes me doubt it.  Then I write it down to try to make myself just give it all up and I see that maybe I shouldn’t be doubting myself.  I am making money, it’s just that he keeps finding every little point he can that isn’t going quite as smooth as I like.  Then he fucking harps on it til I blow up.

He’s still saying I don’t contribute to the bills.  As in, I haven’t contributed in the whole 8 years since I stopped working for the publisher.  I don’t really think I need to show financial statements with both our earnings and what goes where to my fucking husband.  I think he truly believes that I haven’t made anything at all.  Which is fucking infuriating.  His career choices have cost us almost everything we own/owned AND he can’t recognize when I’m bringing money in without me fucking posting it on the fridge daily.

As much as I think I hate this man, i keep coming up with excuses for him and actually trying to make myself like him again.  I keep thinking that because he’s not physically abusive that I have no grounds for being so mad.  But I can no longer focus on anything because he’s gotten me so freaking distracted, constantly, for so many years.  I started actually hitting that point where I could concentrate and it was so odd.

I have to go feed kids, i’ll try to come back in a while.  I’m sure I have loads to vent about

Claritan Rocks!

I know I’ve mentioned being allergic to this state more than once, but I didn’t realize how horrible I feel when I don’t take Claritan.  I’ve been dragging my ass for days and not remembering to take the Claritan (when you need to remember to take it you can’t cause you didn’t take it ).  I took some this afternoon and if everyone weren’t sleeping I’d have my little hard floor cleaner out scrubbing the lanai floor (the girls somehow ran over crayons with their bikes that they were riding in circles out there).  But, I’ll be nice.

I’m trying very hard not to be bitter and miserable…I don’t know how to stop it though.  I am aware of when I’m thinking negative thoughts and draining myself of more and more energy (as if I had any to spare these last few days) but I keep on doing it.  Like it’s too much work to stop myself.  That is pathetic, really. 


Ok, it’s time for bed whether I’m tired or not.  I have to wake up early tomorrow and it ain’t happening if I go to bed much later.  I went to sleep at 5am yesterday and then tried to wake up at 9.  What a joke.  I kept falling asleep for the first half of the day.  Gotta get more sleep than that I guess.

I’ll see you tomorrow

have a great night!!
:)

Everyday I feel the threads of my sanity snapping…one by one…

So…after a relatively busy day with the munchkins…gymnastics, shopping, etc…we come home to find his laptop on the front porch.  By itself.  Hrmmmmmm….

The door is locked and his computer is outside just sitting on the porch, which is not normal, no matter how odd things are around here.  So I unlock the door and he’s in the chair passed out.

GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR.

After asking the drunken asshole why he left his computer outside, I almost freaked when he told me he had to break in cause he didn’t have a key.

Alright, at this point, I need Xanex.

After unloading groceries and putting everything away, getting girls in bed and the animals all sorted with dinner…I have to go find out how he “broke in”.

I found nothing.  So I went and not so nicely poked him in the side and asked exactly how he broke in.  He said he came in the garage door.  GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR.  He had me searching windows inside and out to figure out how the hell he broke in and he used the keypad to open the garage door and come in that way.  He’s lucky he didn’t wake up to being beaten with a laptop.  Which, by the way, I brought inside.  I was contemplating leaving it outside but then realized that when he had to shell out $800 for a dead or missing laptop, it would be coming out of my pocket too.

My hormones are raging these last few days.  Like I can feel them surging at times.  It’s scary.  He better hope my period starts soon, that’s all I’m saying.

I keep having these bizarre thoughts that I should try to be nicer to him…I should help him out once in a while.  But then he comes home drunk and all I want to do is ship him off…anywhere, I could care less…so I can focus on the important things in life…like the kids.  I’m so frustrated and upset by him that the kids suffer and it’s not freaking right.  It’s like he gets bonus points from some testosterone God for making our lives so chaotic that I can’t focus.

Well, I’m getting control on that, it’s just really hard when I have serious major PMS. But I’m still trying.

Alright, I think I’m actually tired enough to sleep, even with all the snoring (including mine, I’m sure I do it too).

Have a great night!!

:)

Someone remind me why I need him around?

Today I unloaded cut firewood from my truck, went to vacuum and wash it out since it was full of sawdust and other kid related debris, cleaned the filter in the turtle tank (can you say, “EWWWWW”?), cleaned the pool filter, figured out why the automatic pool vacuum wasn’t working (he turned the valve off), made construction paper turkeys and a paper chain (ok, mom did most of the chain), made dinner, did countless dishes from breakfast, lunch and dinner, sat and watched 10 minutes of “Coming to America” with him and the girls (to keep him from getting them all hyper before bed), put the girls in bed, cleaned the kitchen, fixed his computer and did laundry. I’m sure I missed a few things. Oh, like getting 25 gallons of water from the kiosk down the street. And picking up doggie land mines in the back yard.

Where was he for most of this? On his ass watching tv and ignoring his family or out with a friend looking at restaurants (which I sure as fuck hope he doesn’t plan on trying to buy - I’ve had just about enough of that bullshit from this area). He came home drunk. Asked me 40 times what the kids were eating (as I’m trying to cook he insists on bobbing and wobbling around me “planning” the meal I’m already half done making). then he passed out on his chair for 30 minutes while I cooked and was all confused as to why I was in a bad mood.

I’m really trying to get past this being pissed off all the time, but I’m afraid that until I get the nerve to tell him to just not come home again…I’m not gonna be able to do it. I keep trying though..
Ok, so…If I did all that shit myself, then why do I need him?

Money? No.

Sex? Ever try to have sex with a drunk person? Unless you are drunk too, it’s not any fun. And I established a “get drunk and miss out on sex for the next 12 hours” rule a long long time ago.

Conversation? HA!!! Don’t make me laugh.

I’ve run out of reasons why I really need him. And I frequently feel the overwhelming urge to just hit him with something. Frying pan…bag of cat food…whatever. I’m not picky. I do try not to hate him, but I’m just not able to convince myself that it’s worth trusting, believing or even just trying to have a normal day with him. I’m always disappointed.

For some reason I’m really tired.  Gonna get to bed so I can wake up early and start all over again.  See you happy campers tomorrow.

:)

to make this more relevant to my own life…

as opposed to bitching about all this external stuff

Things here are the same.  He’s a drunk, I’m working my ass off to earn money to get us out of the $200,000+ hole that he dug, and teaching the kids and cleaning the house, and fixing all the shit he’s broken when he’s drunk.  I’m tired, worn out and all my latest bitchings have been a result I think.  I’m a crabby bitch.  Plus I’ve had no jobs come in in a few days so I’ve had time on my hands.  Time is sometimes a bad thing.  I’ve had time to stop and look around.  And I don’t like what I see.

My office is almost clean but I don’t like how it’s set up.  Me being pushed into a corner with my computer not visible by anyone who happens to stop by (see previous post for why) has me a bit closterphobic.  The kitchen is a lost freaking cause.  I clean it, he comes by and destroys it.  He thinks he’s at work.  He actually sweeps the crap off the counter and onto the floor.  Like the dishwasher (guy not machine) is gonna come by with a broom and get it, and later mop down the whole room to grab the grease that hit the floor too.  He makes messes, bitches when it’s dirty and doesn’t do a fucking thing to help clean it.  Our bedroom?  I think Meg’s ex and my husband must be related to a degree.  While he’s big on personal hygiene, he’s a fucking slob with his clothes and items that came out of his pockets.  His side of the bed has a pile of underwear and socks that the dog keeps pushing under the bed.  They are starting to come out under my side of the bed now.   And he has the balls to bitch at me cause he can’t find underwear.  DUH!  The kids side of the house is almost a losing battle, but I refuse to give in there.  They will learn to keep their space at least sort of clean dammit!!  I will not let them go out into the world thinking that they aren’t worth living in a clean environment.  I’m not talking spotless.  I’m not talking about living without some small piles here and there.  I’m talking about not living with food from last night that got dropped on the floor and no one noticed, or mentioned to me so I could clean it.  I’m talking about not leaving a pile of toys and going to find a new pile of toys to drop on the floor.  I’m talking about having a floor that you can see, that is clean and knowing where your bed ends and the pile of toys begins. My kids and I are all learning how to take care of a house at the same time.  I’m not great at it, but I’m getting better every day.  That’s all anyone can do.  So I don’t beat myself up over it.

ok, gotta go clean now that I’m thinking about it.  The DirectTV guy is coming to see why one of the tv’s only gets some channels when it’s in the mood.

I’ll be back later,

:)

Irresponsible reporting by the Tampa Tribune

I am appalled and ashamed to live in the area covered by this newspaper. I feel dirty and tainted just because I’ve contributed to their business (I subscribed) in the past.

Some obviously bored and ignorant reporters have taken it upon themselves to ruin a mans life. I guess it happens all the time but this time I happened to actually read the news this morning with my coffee. These ignorant individuals have fished out the story of year!! It’s gonna make the earth stop turning!! They’ve saved humanity with their wonderful research skills!! They’ve dug up a gay porn company that is owned by a man working for the Tampa-Hillsborough County Expressway Authority and exposed his privately owned, has nothing at all to do with his job there, company. Oooookay. First of all…what does this have to do with his ability to do a job? Has he done something wrong to instigate someone searching his private activities? Or has he perhaps annoyed someone by speaking up and that someone thought they’d get even by spewing about his private business?
 
Have they thought about the facts that:

1. His business is legal
2. No one is being hurt or exploited, it’s all adults involved
3. He’s not mixing the two businesses, and as far as their article implies, one does not interfere with the other.
4. They’ve just eliminated the mans major livelyhood
5. His family will most likely have to move when they can’t pay their bills. After the water is shut off. After the electricity is shut off. After their cars are taken away. And hopefully before the bank takes their home.
6. They’ve allowed their own PERSONAL moral beliefs to RUIN a man’s life.

I am just sick that these ignorant people are loose in our community and are able to do damage to anyone they come across.

What someone does in their own time is their own business. And in this town…you have got to be kidding. Tampa is one of the biggest hubs of Adult businesses. There are so many adult webmasters here it’s not even funny. How do I know? Where do you think I learned the cutting edge design that I do? Where did I learn to program? Where did I learn about SEO? Yup, you got it. After searching for jobs in this economic hell hole (Tampa Bay area) and being forced to decide between working in McDonalds or doing design for the local paper (the very same one that ruinned this mans life - of course if they get paid what they pay designers then it’s no wonder they are bitter and evil) I started looking for alternatives.

When the paper wants to pay minimum wage to someone with years of experience, and local businesses haven’t got the money to hire people to do the marketing and advertising they need…and a small adult website was willing to pay me $800 a week…guess who I decided to work for? It’s a no brainer for me. My kids need to eat, I took the job.

And after working with these people…I’d prefer them to the hypocritical, supposedly Christian, bible thumpers here (there are way too many customers from these local isp’s for them to all be as pure as they claim). The webmasters I work with are honest, they make contributions to charity, they are fighting child exploitment, they are the ones watching the internet and getting the scumbags that do that to kids thrown in jail. Who do you think tips off the government? Sure wasn’t that neighbor who got busted for molesting a 9 year old…that CHRISTIAN all the neighbors and the family swear is a fine upstanding man. Nope, it’s adult webmasters who are in a position to alert someone when their is a dirtbag on the net. But these same people get “exposed” by the ignorant, they lose their day jobs, they are ostracized by society…the same society that pays $35 a month to join their porn sites. It’s disgusting.

Ok, so now you all know I have designed adult sites. Honestly, I design all sites. I work for myself now. I will design anything as long as it’s legal. I’m also good and I’m not cheap anymore due to what I’ve learned in the adult industry. I’ve also learned about business and networking from these people. And they are more in touch with reality than the clueless sheeple that walk around being shocked when someone owns an adult site.

If people would stop worrying about what everyone else is doing, and start taking care of their own world…this would be a much nicer place to live. And if the guy that I pay to fix my car also owns an adult website…well then, more power to him! I wish him the best.

You know, the losers who exposed this poor man could have at least linked to his sites so he’d get the benefit of some inbound links.

What a waste.

Barbaro and New Bolton Center deserves yet another “Thank You”

I’m really tired of being a bitter twisted bitch that just finds the negative in life and forgets to focus on the positive.  I’m gonna leave the whole voting thing alone for now.  Mostly because it appears to have been understood by more people than I imagined and I was wrong when interpretting it.  I do think that these things should be worded more simply, and there are still people who aren’t sure how the “simple explanation” in the paper today had anything to do with that convoluted paragraph that was on the ballet.  So, I’m not gonna dwell on how the election people either screwed up or tried to sway the vote, but on how to make sure it doesn’t happen in the future.  I’m not sure how that is done, but I’ll be checking into it


Ok, now…there are some people that just inspire you to be your best no matter what life piles on your plate.  There are some animals too.  I spent a few years of my life going to college while working and commuting in NYC.  My goal was to become a veterinarian.  There were no veterinary schools in NJ so my targets were the two closest…Cornell and the University of Pennsylvania.  During my time of getting enough credits to get into Pre-Vet classes, I got pregnant.  This alone was not a reason to stop going to school.  Running to throw up every 5 minutes during lessons and lectures…that was enough of a reason to stop going to school.  I couldn’t keep interrupting everyone else just to reach my goal, so I put it on hold.

So now you have a bit of a background on my secret goals…and yes, if the chance presents itself, I’m going back to school.  I am also obsessed with horses, so naturally, my choice would have been to focus on large animals when I got to that point in my education. I had some pretty well defined goals and dreams.  Some day soon I might just take them out of the shoebox that I stuffed them in when I chose to get married and give up my soul. (did I say I wasn’t gonna be bitter?) 


Alright, on to the purpose of this post.  I watch the Triple Crown every year.  I love the energy of horse racing…I can feel the rush even when I’m watching from home.  I’ve been watching since I was a kid, and I remember being totally distraught when I passed 5′ 0″ because I felt that my chances of becoming a jockey had just flown out the window.  Well, at 5′ 7″, I’m surely never going to get to ride in a race…but I still connect with the whole thing.  It’s wonderful.  It’s inspiring…it’s like a small example of life.  You rush out of the gate with a goal in mind and if you push yourself and if you keep on course…you are gonna finish the race.  You will reach the goal.  You might not win…but you finished! You accomplished it!  And then…there are some horses that touch your heart, that make you feel like getting out and reaching a few of those finish lines a day.  You watch their races and you walk away with a sense that anything in the world can be attained.  All you need is the determination that they have shown for that few minutes on the track.  All you need is a portion of their spirit and you could achieve anything you set out to do.  Barbaro is one of those horses.  After winning the Kentucky Derby, people were feeling that this, this horse…He was gonna break the long dry spell of Triple Crown Winners.  He had what it takes to win all three races.  He was going to inspire more people that he could ever imagine just by winning three horse races.  People would stay home from work, run to the nearest sports bar if they did work, just to watch the races.  People would be talking about Barbaro for a long time to come.  At least this is what I was feeling…and I was right.  Sort of.  Barbaro did win the Derby.  He started the Preakness.  He got everyone’s nerves in a bunch by breaking from the gate early and alone.  He had to be walked back,  examined and reloaded.  Then the whole field left the gate with the bell and….something went horribly, horribly wrong.  Barbaro was pulled up by Prado and the entire crowd forgot that there was still a race going on.  All eyes were on Barbaro as he limped on three legs, holding his hind leg up in a serious manner.  He had shattered, not just broken, he SHATTERED 3 bones in his leg into 20+ pieces.  For most horses, this would have been the end of their life.  But thankfully, Barbaro’s owners,  Gretchen and Roy Jackson saw a chance and decided to take it.  If he wasn’t going to be in pain, they were willing to do whatever it took to save him.  And thousands of fans are glad that they did.

I keep up with Barbaro on a regular basis.  No, I don’t talk to the horse, but I check on his progress via the internet.  There was a time when I was scared to see what was happening, especially when he developed laminitis.  I checked the New Bolton Center’s website for their newsmagazine today and found Barbaro on the cover.  The article was a good one, written from the point of view of the school so it’s not the typical fan article.  This one was meant for the school to read, but it lets you in on how great a place it truly is.  I’m so sorry that I missed the opportunity to study there.  Who knows?  Someday I still might.

New Bolton Center deserves some major thanks from everyone who has been inspired by Barbaro’s spirit and for letting us all in to watch as they saved a life, and gave us all a little bit of hope.
THANK YOU NEW BOLTON CENTER!!!

Oh! And while you are checking out the main site and progress on Barbaro, consider making a donation to the Barbaro fund.  No, it’s not to pay for Barbaro’s care, but to help fund the hospital that has saved him from being destroyed and can help countless other animals with their skills.
Now that I’m feeling inspired to change the world…I’m gonna go get ready for a ballet recital.  I’ll speak to you all later

Voting and misleading wording on Florida ballot

I voted.  I read all the information before I left, I knew what I was voting for and who I was voting for.  How then, did it take me 15 minutes of reading and rereading one ammendment to make a decision? And I’m not even sure I voted the way I wanted.  I have no idea what the damned thing said!  I got back home and checked again…I think I voted correctly.  BUT when I spoke to a few people about it…they told me they’d voted the opposite.  I asked why they would vote to let the government take their property if it felt it was worth it for the community to put, say for example, a hotel on their lot instead of their home, because it would be for the greater good (that was how I interpretted it - I could be wrong though).  They were shocked and said that isn’t what they voted on!!  But it is.  The ammendment was worded in such a way that it appeared you were voting on one thing, when if you continued and pieced it all together…you were approving of the very thing it implied you were against.  I’m really ticked off.  I have read this so many times tonight and I STILL don’t know if I voted right.  The people I spoke to said they hadn’t been sure of what it said really either, but had gone on the first line of it.  Now they don’t know if they voted right.  This is NOT what government is supposed to do.  Convoluting something so you vote how they want you to is pushing it way too far.  I’m pissed.  I also have a big mouth, I get obsessed with fighting for a good cause, AND I know how to get my sites listed all over the net.  I’m thinking it’s time to start fighting over this.  Now, I’m gonna make sure I’m not blowing up over nothing, but if a group of people meets, discusses it and no one is even debating the issue…on election day…because they are all standing around scratching their heads over whether they even understood what they voted for…something is wrong.

I’ve always thought that starting an education site on the processes of American Government would be great, I can push it to homeschoolers and let them teach their children that there is more than one party, and that they should vote for what they feel is right, not on just a party.  I think the Jefferson in my blood is coming out…I can not sit by and watch the country go to hell in a handbasket.

I’m venting right now…let’s see if I can keep this momentum going and do something that might make me proud of myself.  It’ll embarrass the hell out of my family, but not the ones that matter.  The ones that matter will only say, “I knew you had it in you!! I am so proud!”

ok, gotta tend to kids and get them in bed…again. 

see you later
:)

Serious lack of communication skills

um…sometimes I think I might just go stark raving mad one of these days.  I feel like I’m split in two sometimes.  And every once in a while the one part will look at the other part and ask, “When are you gonna get some freaking nerve, woman??”

I know he’s not gonna remember this tomorrow but the conversations (if you count me talking and him trying to take me on a guilt trip a conversation) are consistently veering off into the “why are we even together” area.

The lack of communication is fucking killing me.  I talk, he gives up.  The very second that the conversation isn’t feeding his need to be a martyr, he says, “I just don’t understand” and changes the subject or fucking walks off.

Tonight was him telling me how I never listen to him and we don’t respect his wishes.  So I asked when he was gonna stop talking to me in his head and discuss these things out loud with me.  Ok, I was a bitch. But who fucking wouldn’t be after 13 years of someone having their own bloody conversations in their head and thinking that at some point this imaginary conversation actually took place?  And then he has the fucking balls to be upset because I didn’t do what he wanted me to do!  He has not spoken to me about anything except (and don’t even ask why I fucking bother with this one) that most nights I’ll sit with him for a short while and listen to him tell me the very same thing he told me the night before.  His favorite subjects are the scumbags he works with, how the girls need more discipline and how I decided to homeschool without his approval.  Every.  Fucking.  Night.

There was a big gap there, my oldest girl came in with a sore throat.  Now I’m just plain exhausted.  I’ll see if I can pick up where I left off sometime in the morning.

nite all

:)

Anthony Robbins and moving forward

Mom lent me a CD tonight that she just got, it’s Anthony Robbins “Get the Edge - Day 1″ and I’ve half listened to a bit of it while driving, doing dishes, cleaning and moving furniture.  This guy might just be what I need.  If I only walk away from this experience with half his energy, I’ll be a step up from where I am now.  I’m most interested to see this whole package she got.  I might have to invest some money in it.  She got me started on reading Psycho Cybernetics and I’m about 2/3 of the way through but now I have to hurry to finish it so I can start this new one.  You know, I hate it when people start giving me things to do to make my life better and I can’t even be lazy about it.  *sigh*   LOL  (I’m kidding, really)  I’m very excited by the possibilities.  Oh man…the things that I could end up doing and being….what a rush at that thought!!

For now though, I’m gonna go to bed, read as much as I can before passing out and then get up tomorrow, and school my kids and clean.  Hopefully some work will be waiting for me, but if not, this house can use some cleaning.

Goodnight!!

:)