The small things don't matter

As the tornado of emotion dissipates, you find yourself sitting on the outside watching those that thrive on chaos and feed off of others despair...and wondering why you let these vampires suck the life out of you for so long.  They throw out tendrils barbed with triggers they know will engage you...but only so long as you accept those triggers.  Eventually, you have to decide:  Shit?  Or get off the pot? 

The truth that I imagine I knew all along has come out about not only Tom but others, and I realize that they require misery and dysfunction in their world.  That is a sad way to live.

So, while my life might not be perfect and it's far from successful, I know that the path I'm on is the right one for me at the moment.  It's the path I need to take to give my daughters what they will need in the future.  My kids all know that they are my reason for living, and that I'm doing everything I can to fix the mistakes I've made in the past.  No one else matters.

Why do we let others feelings matter?

I sometimes wonder, "Why do I let anyone else's needs, wants, or opinions control my life?"  And by "anyone" I mean those who are obviously quite against my current life path.

The world is such an amazing place with so much to explore and learn...I think I'm done wasting my time with those who choose to live in their own negative vacuum.

Life is good today....

Visiting my kids and second thoughts

No matter how right I know what I'm doing is, it doesn't make it easy. It kills me to send my kids back to their dad's house, crying and freaking out. Having no support is really hard too. If I could feel like anyone knew what this felt like, maybe I wouldn't doubting myself so often.

I need an interpreter

A few weeks ago Tom asked me to send him a bill for the design work I had done on his websites and the art for his business cards and brochures...so I did.  I also included his website hosting bill.  He never responded.  I was too busy to go chase him so I just waited.  Then the deadline for paying the hosting came and went and I did what he would have done himself.  I suspended the service.  I pay for his bandwidth, and I can't afford to pay so he can earn money and not pay his bills.  Yes, I know I'm sounding like him now.  I'm sure that was his reasoning when he called and cancelled my car insurance.  Yes, I could have called him and asked if he was going to pay it and when and then maybe given him a little more time to pay it, but I also have deadlines, so he would only get a few days.  Of course, he could have called me and said can you get your car insurance all set up before the date this one renews so I can take my bank account off the insurance autopay?  That would have been lovely.  It would also have saved me a lot of money and hassle. But that's never been his way of doing things.  He's a control freak, he is always right and he always does things his way.  So I decided to play things his way.  His deadline came, and ok...I waited another 2 weeks almost (I'm always optimistic that people will see the right way to do things and change their ways), after 2 weeks with no payment, I turned off his email and websites.  He asked what it would take to get them back on.  I told him $60, just like the invoice I sent said. 

So...does he send me $60 to cover his bill?  Does he ask if I can wait another week?  Does he try to even be reasonable?  Nope!  He simply tells me he's turning off my cell phone.

See?  He doesn't pay his bill, I do what he would have done, what any business would have done, and he finds another way to make it not his fault and he'll punish me for having the nerve to do business in a normal manner. 

He's a vindictive horrible person. 

And it gets better.

Me, being the moron I am, talk to him and turn his sites back on (without being paid yet) because it's going to hurt his business, blah blah...whatever.  Anyway, I turn them back on.  Then we discuss the invoice I sent weeks ago (that he still says he never got and that I have since sent a new copy to the new email  he set up).  He went through the list and told me to send a new invoice with just a few hand picked items on there.  He also asked exactly when the hosting had to be paid.  Originally it was 11-1-11, but I covered that for him, now I told him 11-17-11, but if he was having a hard time paying that 11-25-11 was the final date to pay before it would all get shut off.  He was fine on the phone.   Oh, and I also let him know that I had updated my change of address and was now getting the electric bill and verizon bill, since they were still in my name.  I explained that all I did was change my address to get my own mail, not try to get his bills, but that I'd be happy to send information as it came in.  He was definitely a little weird about that...but what difference is it if I get my mail?  Unless he's doing stuff in my name?  Hmmmmmmm...

Anyway, he immediately called his lawyer regarding the bills (don't ask how I know, I have my sources) and then when I sent a follow up to the invoice for the hosting and other stuff, he sent back an email saying he didn't respond to extortion.  WTF???  Why would he talk on the phone with me, work out what he could afford, have me send an invoice for just those items, and then tell me it's extortion?? He's freaking nuts!!! 

I have learned a little bit during this last week.  I send copies of everything I send him to his lawyer.  I also include Tom's responses.  Let his lawyer see how insane he really is...

Emotional and financial abuse

I've been following a Facebook page that discusses emotional and financial abuse. I really never thought of things like eliminating my access to the bank account or making our financial problems my fault after keeping me from working were considered abuse. But it does make sense. It's a way of control. It's a way to make you feel like you have no way of making a change or making a difference in what is happening to you.

I made the move to California to get away from his control.  My mom is pissed at me because she said I didn't listen to her and do it the right way.  First of all, she never told me much more than just be careful.  What does that mean?  I was freaking DYING!  Tom had sucked every ounce of my will to exist out of my soul.  If it weren't for my kids I'd have just gone to bed one day and never woken up.  My soul was that empty.  I was in so much pain and then sometime in the last few years I just became numb.  Circumstances brought me to where I met the people I know in California and I swear it was by divine intervention that I was led here. 

I have faith that I'm on the right path and I have faith that this will work out for the girls.  The girls are my motivation for all I do.  They are my soul.  They kept me alive and made life worth waking up for each day, even with his extreme negativity and the threat of violent outburst at anything I did throughout the day.  They are my angels. 

It really hurts that my mother and ex-friends all believe that I would abandon my kids to come to California.  They think I left them for a man.  How can someone who says they are my friend and especially MY MOTHER, who should know me better, tell people that?  How can they spread that lie that only is true in their mind, because it's not at all what happened? Those girls are my life, and no one comes before them.  I came to California to build a different life for them where they can be free to be themselves, where no one else will make them feel guilty because of their feelings.  Yes, I was stupid to believe that Tom would every hold up his end of the bargain...he hasn't told the truth or held up his end of an agreement since I met him so I can't even tell you why I believed that he would let the girls come out as soon as I got myself settled here.  I just wanted to believe that he could be decent.  I wanted to believe so bad that life was going to get bettter.  I wanted to believe that he cared enough about the girls to not keep them away from me.  He never wanted anything to do with us when I was there, before I left him.  Then he only wanted to call from around the corner and show up whenever he wanted to.  HE USED TO FREAKING CRAWL IN THE WINDOW OF OUR HOUSE WHEN THE GIRLS AND I WERE SLEEPING!!!!!  Can you say "STALKER???"  He's scary and his way of rationalizing things is warped beyond a level of being able to deal with him. 

This past week he threatened to turn off my phone because I shut off his websites for not paying his hosting bill.  The judge said he needed to pay my cell phone, he didn't say I had to support Tom's insurance business websites.  I sent him invoices that he conveniently says he didn't receive.  That's not my problem, just like him decreasing my insurance coverage and then cancelling it wasn't his problem. 

I think the worst part of this, after the fact that I'm not with my girls, is that he and my mother and everyone in their little circle is convinced they are right and I'm wrong.  They think I'm wrong for trying to get my kids away from an abusive person and at least let them live part of the year in an emotionally safe environment, where they can learn to distinguish between healthy and non-healthy relationship.  So...then they support the abuse and want it to continue.  That's just sick.

Seeing my mother like this has brought back some memories as a kid...memories that are filling in blanks.  My mom has always told me how my dad made our house unbearable...but he was never really there.  She was.  So if she was the one there, then she made the house unbearable.  Right?  And if my dad was so bad, then she was the one who should have fixed the problem.  She should have gotten us out of there.  So she made my life hell when I was a kid and now she's helping to make my kids lives hell.

On the almost bright side, I've started to develop a relationship with my dad, so I guess I'm not a total orphan...although at this point, I'm so numb when it comes to these people who were supposed to love you and protect you and do anything for you...I just don't think I care much any more.

I get to go the Ball!!!

I'm getting ready to head to Lake Tahoe for the Marine Corps Ball on Saturday!!!

I'm so excited!!!!

The use of terms that are incorrect

Superdad (aka my soon to be ex) just freaked out and send an email full of hate (in all caps even!! wow! I feel special!) about how I abandoned my kids.

I believe abandonment requires no contact, doesn't it? Abandonment in his world really means: "your kids are 3000 miles from you because when you tried to go somewhere I wouldn't stalk you anymore I lied and said the kids could come too (for 50% of the time) and then got a lawyer and prevented them from coming at all"

I think I need a dictionary from his planet...

I want to explain why I keep posting all these little tidbits

After finally getting it through my thick skull that he is going to lie, cheat and steal until he gets his way, I've decided I don't care if the world knows he's a piece of shit.  I also realize I need to keep a daily diary of accounts, such as him getting mad at the 12 year old and picking her up by her hair, and the 12 year old jumping out of the car (both his and my mom's) when she's having a fit that could have been avoided if they'd just discipline her and stop letting her rule their world...you know, stuff like that. 
Anyway, my official reasons for blogging about this again...

1.  I want to have a record for my own purposes, to be used whenever he tries to take the girls away from me again.  He has no reason for the judge to take the girls away from me, so he's begun  making stuff up.  I think a diary like record (as in a blog) will be more than a solid record of his behavior and how it effects the girls.  I would never try to take the girls away from him the same way he's trying to take them from me, but he's insisted on going down this path...and I can't play the game like he does, not caring how much it's damaging the girls, but I have to do what I have to do in order to protect them from his deranged way of living.

2.  I need to get this out and in place I can read it back to myself and see it from a different point of view.  When chaos is erupting on the other end of the phone, it's hard not to get sucked in and react to that.  It's important that I know that I am no longer under his control and that only if I stay calm, will my children also stay calm.

I just want my kids out of there as much as possible, even if it's only half the year, to see that life is NOT healthy or normal.  They need to have an idea that they can be themselves without fear of ridicule or harassment, that they are welcome to be themselves somewhere.

This is not ideal, but this is how it all worked out.

Now to make it work out the best it can under the circumstances.

He's talked the girls into not going to gymnastics practice. Again.

This is the man that insists it was me that could not follow through, that didn't stick to anything, that I was the one that was messing the kids up by not making them follow through...and then he talks them out of going to gymnastics every chance he gets.  I guess any man that thinks he can give up on his marriage commitment and abandon his family for a bottle of scotch would think that a gymnastics commitment wasn't all that important.

ARRRRGGGHHHH!!!

My 12 year old drama queen has done it again!

Once again, my 12 year old has disrupted two households with her drama.  She didn't do her homework, so her sister, dad, myself and everyone in between has to hear her scream bloody murder about how she has to have it done, how she doesn't have the instructions, and how it isn't her fault that she didn't do it.

Somehow these evenings often correspond with immature and harassing text messages from her father to me.  I wonder if that is a coincident, or not?

Anyway...now I'm sitting here waiting for someone to call me back.  I've been hung up on twice...once by the 12 year old, the other time I'm not sure who hung up.  My poor 10 year old is in the middle of this insanity and I just want to fly in, scoop them both up and bring them here were they can be themselves without the guilt and chaos that is their life there.


*sigh*

Ok, got a call back.  Apparently the 12 year old got so worked up she vomited all over her bed.   She called me back saying she couldn't get up because she was dizzy and he was in the living room not doing anything about it.  (He did eventually wander in to change the sheets, for the record.  Or at least he said he was doing that.  There was a lot of him yelling about gross things on their floor and how they were horrible slobs, etc. so he might not have actually done it.  I don't know for sure.)

Anyway, I just finished reading to them, and everyone is asleep.  I have a headache and I'm going to go find some food...

Working with my daughter

Today is going fairly well...my 12 year old is helping me work on one of my websites.  She's so smart and creative!! Now if I could only send her and her sister a computer so we could work together every day (AND see each other via webcam), this whole separation would not be so hard.  I'm working on it though...I know it will happen soon.

Ok, she's back, going to work now!

It's a good day today!!

I'm officially a student!!  I'll be studying to become a Veterinary Technician!! I'm so excited I can't even focus on anything right now.

***insert image of me bouncing like a Tigger here***

I haven't told anyone, with the exception of a few people who gave me references and my kids...but today I can blab to the world!

I need to try to get some work done, the Marines that are so good to us are waiting for something from me so I need to make myself focus long enough to finish that art for them.

I'll be back to bounce up and down some more later!

My kids didn't call back tonight...

We have a nightly ritual. I read stories to them every night still. Usually, it's stuff like Percy Jackson, Harry Potter, the Secret Garden.

I texted their dad at 10:30, which is pretty late for them, to ask if they were ready for bed yet. He said they had company and weren't ready yet.

I think they told me they didn't have school tomorrow. I'm pretty sure it was this week they got Friday off.

So...it's now 1:20 in Florida and I'm thinking they fell asleep at some point. I'm not too worried. I just miss them.

His neglect of the animals

is killing my kids.  Today the parrotlet died.  This is the bird my 12 year old got for her birthday last year. It's basically a parrot in minature, lives for a LONG time and is very hearty (unlike parakeets).  He wouldn't buy food for it for at least a week, closer to two weeks.  I heard the girls asking him to buy it.  I told the girls to go ask their grandmother to buy it if he was going to refuse.  I think they eventually got him food, but you can't starve a freaking animal for any length of time and expect good things!

So far in the last year, his count on starving animals is:

8+ baby bunnies
5 adult bunnies
1 parrotlet

Possible starvation/probable heat stroke:

1 cat

Disappearances/possible heat stroke:

12+ chickens



The police were called about his letting the chickens into the cemetery next door and all the damage they were doing.  Then he locked all of them into an 8x6 shed/coop attached to an 8x6 yard.  20 chickens!!  Can you imagine the health problems attached to that?

He refuses to feed/water/care for any animal when the girls are gone.  He actually lost a Betta when the girls were gone one week.  LOST A FISH!! IN THE TANK!!  We were here frantically searching for pictures of this fish in my photo album so he could go replace it with an exact duplicate.

GRRRRRRRR!!!!

I have to go work on one of my sites, I just had to get that out of my system before something vital in my cranium burst.  I'll be here working until one of the girls calls me in distress again.

=((

Why do I let him push my buttons???

OMG!  He's unbelievable!! He texts me harassing texts, then I get on the phone with my 12 year old that is upset and he's in the background yelling at me OVER her and she's getting more upset, I'm getting more upset and it all just went to hell real fast.  I swear my brain short circuits when there is any kind of communication with him.  I say things I shouldn't.  I start crying almost instantly.  It's insane!  I'm 3000 miles away and he's still disrupting everything in my world.  Can you imagine if I were close enough for him to just stop by????  I can feel my veins closing up a the thought!!

Why does he want the girls there if he's so freaking miserable around them?  Why is a war every few hours a requirement with him?  He starts fights with a 12 year old!  What is wrong with him?

I need to go make a TON of money so I can get a lawyer and start fighting back.  You'd think I would have had some legal assistance but my mom lied to herself and her boss about why I left Florida and now they won't get involved.  My mom is scared that she will lose the girls so she's helping an emotionally abusive, unstable individual damage the girls more.  Seems like a good trade off, right?  She gets to see her grand daughters self esteem damaged and their chances of future happiness blown apart, BUT she gets to see the girls!! Woohoo! for her.  What a completely twisted way to see things.  So she's helping Tom, whom she has witnessed when he was drunk and out of control, to get the girls the primary part of the year.  And she's decided to lie to everyone else and tell them she tried to give me advice, which is a crock of crap.  Her and Tom seem to have this affliction where they work through these situations in their heads and then forget that they never actually had a conversation with the person.  So I get a lot of adamant bouts of "I tried to tell you!" from her.  But the bottom line is, she never tried to help me.  She's so stuck inside herself she can't even begin to help anyone else.

Honestly, her being that way help motivate me to make a drastic change (move to CA).  I refuse to be like her.  I REALLY refuse to let my girls be that way.  I'd rather die than let them think that it's ok to be like that.

Ok, I need to go try to come up with some money.  Time to start posting ads for graphic and web design on craigslist...wheeeeee!! lol

I'll be back later!

Peace!

It's been a long, strange trip, my friends...but I'm back!

This blog was started in 2006 to give me an outlet for expressing my absolute misery in a way that would allow me to get it all out while not getting me in trouble with my husband and family. 

I stopped blogging in June 2008.  I'm not sure why I stopped.  I wish I hadn't so I could have documented the complete insanity that continued after that.

It's now 2011, I'm in the middle of a divorce, moved across the country to get away from my husband and the rest of the family (that seems to have forgotten he's a violent and unstable person), had the husband agree to let the girls come with me (we were going to share time with them equally) and then after he gave me just enough money to get here from the tax return, he let me get to California, got a lawyer and then said he was keeping the girls. 

I have a plan and you are welcome to hang out and watch to see if the plan will work the way I hope it will, or if I will have to walk back to Florida and fight with nothing to get two of the three most important parts of my life back in a safe environment.

At this point I'm starting up with the blog to keep documenting the crap he's doing to my kids, that he's allowed to do to my kids because HE has an income and a lawyer.  The kids are miserable, there is absolute chaos there every day.  I get multiple phone calls from crying kids every day.  They are getting violent, injuring each other and screaming and crying all day long.  He's put them in school because he says he can't watch them and work.  Well, if he hadn't lied and kept them there when they were supposed to be with me, that would never have been a problem.  Of course, he told everyone I abandoned them, and I found out real quick who my friends were.  I'll get in to details later, though. 

Thanks for stopping by, I appreciate you taking the time to join me in this adventure called life. 

Peace!

:-)