Sometimes life is just so exhausting

I’m going to drag on about being tired still.  Sorry.  I think the sudden lack of anticipation, the ability to stop and not run out to a store for a gift or more food for the holiday dinner is taking it’s toll.  And the kids are just losing their minds.  They are so behind on sleep that they can’t function properly. 

Mom and I have started making sure they eat more often (as part of an experiment with moods) and that they sat and rested at least an hour, twice today.  That did help a bit.  They were going full speed for the last two weeks.  It’s enough to make an adult crazy, but a 5 and 7 yr old hasn’t got the capability of reasoning with themselves when they are tired.  Or at least most don’t.  Ok, Mine don’t.  I really can’t say what others do.  I know when they get tired, it’s a monumental thing to have them understand what you are trying to tell them.  They cry, they throw a fit, they don’t hear you no matter if you are agreeing with them or not.  It’s very nerve-wracking.

Well, I have one more job to finish tonight.  And a stack of blog entries to prewrite (not for here, for my design site) so I don’t have to come up with ideas when I’m too busy to focus on what color selector is best or how to create a pen and ink drawing in Photoshop.

I might be back if I get done and the coffee has really kicked in.  That happens most nights.  Just as I’m ready to sleep…whatever I’ve done to stay up will actually start to work.  Mind you…I am talking about things working hours after they’ve been taken.  It’s not like I drink a mug of coffee at 1am and expect to fall asleep at 2am.  I mean I drink a coffee at 10pm and at 2am I’m suddenly wide awake.  It could be that I’m naturally a night-owl and not the coffee at all though.

Anyway, gotta run and paint some things for a client.  See ya’ll later.

:)

I should never have taken time off

I’m so tired all the time now.  I can’t get back into the groove. 


OH well, no choice but to do it really.  I’ve already worked 4 hours today, and I’ve napped through the Grinch, A Year Without A Santa Claus and Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer.

AND I’ve had Red Bull, coffee, ice cream and breakfast and lunch.  There are no excuses for being this tired.

I’m also freezing my behind off.  At 57 degrees I broke down and turned on the heat.  Now I’ll have to listen to him bitch when he gets home about how hot it is in here.  I think I’ll put duct tape over the thermostat and threaten to give him a hickey on his forehead if he touches it.

One of my daughters accidentally gave herself a hickey while watching tv.  She was just sucking on her arm and totally freaked when she saw the result.  Everyone who came for Christmas wanted to know what she had done to herself.  She was very embarrassed, although I don’t know why, no one gave her any reason for her to be so.

Ok, I’m gonna make coffee and come back in to work.  I also have a list to make for myself.  I might get to that this evening.  And the hubby and I had another…um,…I can’t even call it a discussion because it was more me talking and everything I said he took totally can completely wrong.  I swear sometimes I wonder if we are from the same planet.

I’ll see you when I get a minute later.  Hope everyone is having a blast with all their wonderful Christmas gifts.
:)

Merry Christmas to everyone!

I am trying to get caught up, cleaned up and organized enough to relax from this evening until tomorrow evening.

The kids are bouncing off the walls, hubby has loads of “secret missions” going on, and I have gifts to wrap, the floors need cleaned and all of my aquatic critters need more water.  The latter meaning I have to lug five 5 gallon jugs up the the water kiosk in the parking lot at the strip mall down the street.  Our water in the tap would kill them all off in seconds.  I have to go get decent water down the street.  That is just wrong.  But…anyway…

A Merry Christmas to all.  And a special Christmas thought goes out to Enyo who is recovering from a rather ghastly sounding injury and Meg who is recovering from having an asshole removed from her life.  Hugs and a mug of steamy hot cocoa (with homemade whipped cream) goes out to both.

I hope everyone gets all they wished for!!

See you tuesday.

:)

Tooth Fairy is visiting tonight!

I had to yank my oldest daughters front tooth out of her head today.  Her front tooth has been dangling.  She had me look at it, started to panic and hit my hand which knocked it just about completely out except it got stuck somehow.  And it started bleeding.  She totally freaked.  So, seeing my last opportunity to get it over with, I squeezed it (had a napkin around it already to “test” how loose it was ) and I just held on.  She did the work.  She jumped and the tooth stuck for a second and then let go.  And boy did it bleed!!

****

ok, about that point she started coughing like mad in her sleep and I went in to get her all fixed up.  And fell asleep with her.  (but not before I did the tooth fairy bit   shhh!!!! )

I have to do some work, I’ll try to finish whatever was in my head yesterday when I get done.

:)

Oh my GOD! It’s a miracle.

The hubby and I are actually really talking.  Like…connecting and communicating.  Although I’m skeptical, I’m also very excited.  I have to make the effort on my part to not fall into old habits and he’s got to actually try too…but everyone noticed a difference today when they came over and commented to me after he left for work.  He had a very different appearance, open and talkative, as if he’s been set free of something.  I am going to act as if he’s really going to continue with what we said, because if I doubt him then I’ll be doing my part in making things go back to the way they were.  I have to stop my old bad habits as well.  The insanity has to stop somewhere.  And I say it ends here.

I’m going to make an effort to be less judgemental as well as not so damned angry all the time.  And I’m not saying that he’s said any of this, he didn’t say I did anything at all.  We basically worked on getting him to be able to communicate with me.  I don’t think he really ever had to talk to anyone before.  Sure, he can talk, tell stories and entertain customers and guests, but he’s not learned to really discuss and solve problems in a relationship.  And now that it’s so emotionally charged here, it’s hard to say anything without one of us blowing up at the other.  So we got the painful shit out of the way (not all I’m sure, but it was a start) and then started working on a realistic plan to make our lives better…We’ve spent 14 years together and we owe it to ourselves to try one more time.  We owe it to our children to teach them how to be in a relationship the right way.  We don’t want them thinking that it’s normal to live like this.  It’s our responsibility to be the adults, we need to start acting like parents and not like fools.

Ok, I have work to do.  I’ll continue this later.  I have some goals I need to meet daily…I think that this type of motivation is going to be very good.
later!
:)

Tonight was fun (really)

We (the kids, my mom and I) went to dinner and to see Christmas lights with friends.  It was great, and these are the kind of people who laugh constantly…it was a wonderful feeling to just laugh and not care who sees you.

I have to get some sleep.  I’m working but I’m dangerously close to having a keyboard stuck to my forehead.

I’ll post more of what is going on tomorrow.

:)

which way do I look at it?

I was discussing the drunk with a person I work with last night and they said something interesting.  They feel that contrary to what I was thinking, a persons true self is the one you see when the shit hits the fan.  And I have to admit, I think they are right and I was wrong.  The person the drunk used to be was carefree, adventurous, and exciting because he had never had to deal with adversity!  He’d never had to pull himself up by his bootstraps and keep going even when there seemed to be no hope.  He got that rude awakening shortly after I moved in with him, when he started losing his restaurant to the landlord that didn’t want to renew the lease (at least that is how I remember it, I could be making this memory in his favor when it might not really be).  I should have really seen my future then.  He came completely unglued, not unlike his behaviour now.  I attributed it to “stress” and blah, blah, blah…I never thought that I was seeing the true character of this man.  I had an opportunity that I totally missed.  But then, I’d not have my two awesome incredibly wonderful daughters if I had taken that opportunity and run like hell.  At least I’m guessing I’d never have had them…what if we were all just destined to be together and I couldn’t help them do what they have to do if I hadn’t stuck around and gone through what I’ve gone through in order to be who i am now?  In a convoluted way that sort of makes sense.  Right now.  I might come back later and wonder how I ever thought that sentence was coherent, but…whatever.

I’m behind on work because I’m giving too much energy to this shit.  I’ll be back after I’ve done something to earn some money.

Oh, and did I mention he’s forcing me to pay the mortgage (we are about $1300 short on it right now) and we have no gifts for Christmas?  AND he doesn’t think the loser he works for will pay him his whole check next week.

I think that we need to reevaluate our priorities and make a new game plan.  He, on the other hand, will start breaking things and totally blow a gasket if I even mention the idea of paying our mortgage past the last day of the grace period (today).

and now…I’m really going to work.  Really.

:)

We are back on the Merry-Go-Round

only I’m not having any fun.  One day he’s sober and willing to be reasonable, the next he’s drunk and a complete moron.  I dread doing what needs to be done to make it stop.  I am so scared of what is going to happen, but I am also scared of what will happen if I don’t make this stop.  I know I have support from my mom and friends, which is something I am certain a lot of people do not have and I’m grateful for their patience and offers of help.  It still doesn’t make it easier.  It’s like I’m frozen with fear at the thought of telling him to get out (if he’s been drinking, I see it being a very very ugly matter) or of just filing for a divorce and having him served at work.  That would be a horrible thing to do though.

Why can’t he just fucking care enough about all of us to go get the help he needs???  What did we do to deserve this pain?  Why am I responsible for him giving up control to scotch?

Ok, enough of the pity shit.  I have work to do and no real certainty of even buying Christmas presents this year yet.   If I can pull off paying the mortgage on time tomorrow it will be a freaking miracle.  I’ll be happy with that for the day.  Then I’ll start working on how to get gifts.  Ok, I’m sure I’ll get the girls gifts.  Somehow.  I’ll sell a body part.  Whatever.  I have to get out of his way of looking at things.  The mortgage, electricity, cars…yes, they are very important and have to be paid.  BUT they are not the only things that are important.  He focuses on what he’s not able to pay so much that they become everything to him.  And to make them all go away and so he can stop his brain…he drinks a half bottle or more of scotch (it used to be a whole bottle but it’s taking less and less these days to make him pass out).  I mean, I KNOW why he does it.  I can see the whole evil cycle.  I just can’t make him think that there is any other way.  And after 14 years of being his only real emotional support…I’m just too fucking beat up and worn down to pep talk his ass out of this.  I know that I put up with this shit when we were in our 20’s and had no kids.  I was probably wrong for not running down the street screaming like a maniac.  Regardless of that, I didn’t run.  I stuck around.  I saw something inside him that fit a part of me.  Now, I wasn’t the most stable individual.  I was depressed because the ex had taken off with my son and I had no idea where he was and no financial means of finding him til just about the time I moved in with my current husband (otherwise known as the drunk).  I was having hormone problems triggered by extreme stress and I was just searching for someone who was carefree, adventurous and made me feel like I could be a better person.  My husband did that.  He was that.  I miss my husband.  I don’t have a fucking clue who this soul is that is currently living in his body but I know I don’t like him.  Not one bit.  He’s mean, spiteful, he sucks the energy out of an entire house by entering it, he’s miserable, he hates everyone and everything, he makes you regret speaking of any positive experience because it reminds him of what he’s lost and somehow he’s convinced that nothing is his fault and the world is out to squash him.  I know everyone says the old person won’t come back, but my eternal optimism says he’s GOT to be in there.  Somewhere.  Please can’t he be in there somewhere?  I’d crawl through the muck and mire, in the dark, as far as I’d have to crawl just to help him come back from where ever he’s been sucked down into.  I really would.  And I’d drag this horrible creature who has been living in his skin with me and leave it there to rot.

ok, now that I’ve completely and utterly depressed myself over the fact that I’m married to a stranger that I hate and i’m never going to see the person he once was again…i do have to work.  Really.  I’m not just running away, I just don’t have the energy to run right now.

:)

today was a better day

of course, he’s not been home all day, but still…I woke up early, walked a half mile, did school, worked, took the girls to gymnastics, made them dinner and gave them desert all before 6 and now they are playing with my old dry erase board and markers.  I’m planning another half mile walk this evening.  I got some work done, am catching up from being sick and THIS is the direction I want things to start heading in.  Productive, healthy, fairly content, and not late for anything.  It’s relieving.

I have some more things to get done, I just wanted to comment.

Oh, and I’m also thrilled that Enyo has returned to us.  She hurt herself, so everyone needs to head over and give her some warm “Get Well” wishes.  She can be found here:  This Is My Affair . I was getting very worried about her. And it does suck when you can’t even call and say…”Are you ok?  Do I need to come kill the bastard?  Get you out of jail for killing the bastard?”.  She’s hurt herself, but it could have been worse, so I’ll just be happy that she’s able to write again.

Gotta run now…I’ll be back.

:)

Lots of talking done today, do I trust him?

We talked today about his horrid behaviour and the reasons behind it.  He admitted he needs a counselor or someone to help him work through his issues, and to help him learn to communicate better.  We’ll see how long he feels this way.  In the past, it’s like him saying it was enough for him and he never followed through on actually doing it.  I think it’s going to be up to me if I want to make him get help.  And as tired as I am with the whole thing, I’m not willing to give up if he’s possibly going to make an effort.  But like I said, we shall see…the track record so far has been spotty, at best.

I’m exhausted.  I laid awake on the couch til 6am when I decided enough was enough and i was going to sleep in my own freaking bed.  I didn’t sleep much there, but at least it was more comfortable.  I’m going to try to get some sleep now.  I have early meetings (early for me anyway) and things to do out of the house with the girls in the afternoon.

nite all

:)

I missed this due to being violently ill all weekend…

I, unfortunately, share an important date with two influential musicians. It’s not a happy date. My birthday, December 8th, is also the same day that John Lennon and “Dimebag” Darrell were murdered in the prime of their lives. It sort of keeps things in perspective for me, I think. While birthdays aren’t such a big deal to me, feeling like I’m here for a reason does mean something. I think both men made a difference, a very big one, in their respective areas. They influenced more people than I think they ever really knew.

I normally try to take a moment to be thankful that we’ve had such people around to influence those of us left behind. There is no way to thank them for their contributions, but maybe just by keeping their ideas alive we can honor them.

I also learned that a friend is going through a terrible time, her brother is in ICU after sustaining some serious injuries. Now, I am not religious - we’ve already discussed this, but I do believe in the power of positive energy (and I’m not counting out prayer..read on). I think if someone wants to live, then they will do just that. And if someone isn’t quite sure they want to fight, but others are pushing for them, then they might just sway the final outcome. If someone just does not want to continue to exist, then there isn’t anything any one of us can do. I think that considering this young mans injuries, if he really had wanted to die, he’d be gone already. For some reason, he’s hanging on. I was asked to pray for them, which I most certainly will do, but I also thought that some good thoughts (or prayers, if you rather) their way from anyone reading would help too.

I appreciate it.

I have to get some sleep now. The adrenaline rush of being in yet another battle is wearing off, my muscles are hurting and I need to get some rest.

I hope everyone has a wonderful evening. See you tomorrow.

:)

I guess the only one who is going to get me out of this hell is me

God, that sucks.  These last few weeks have been busy and surreal.  The more I work, the worse he gets.  The more I feel good about me, the more he attacks me.  Tonight was the kicker though.  And I honestly think I’m just provoking him now to get him to fucking leave already.  But the girls were crying and he was breaking things and it’s just gone too far.  I had him at the fucking door, he was finally getting out and then the girls were just so fucking upset that I took them to their room and somehow the bastard is still here!  He’s passed out in his chair in the living room.  What the hell????

He was just freaking spewing hate at me tonight, I was really actually scared at one point but refused to walk away because he just pushed me over the edge.  He detests me.  He didn’t lose hundreds of thousands of our money..it was HIS money so I have some big balls to dare throw that in his face.  This is after he blasted me for only making $1000 this month and said that I hadn’t made any money in our whole relationship (hey fucko!! I quit a $40,000 a year plus benefits and retirement to stay home because YOU wanted me to!!!) Oh, and did I mention I was there for 5 years?  Paying HIS house bills.  Paying for HIS car.  Paying the bills he refused to open because he couldn’t pay them.  I was so fucking stupid.  If I hadn’t gotten the girls from this relationship I’d say it was a major mistake, but I can’t imagine the thought of existing without either of these awesome kids.

Well, after the first half of our war, he went and punched a hole in the bathroom door.  Actually it’s a dent, but it’s a very old door, somewhat solid and has a full-door sized mirror on the other side. He’s fucking lucky that didn’t break.  Then he smashed a cup all over the bathroom.  I took pics this time.  I also caught the towel rack that he ripped off the wall and his stack of Playboys that he refuses to put out of view of the girls in my pics.  just in case i forget these things.  It’s good to have a reminder.

Damage he did to the door (old, heavy duty door) when  he was mad at me.

Broken plastic cup he blasted to bits when he threw it at the door.  (Heavy duty plastic cup from our pizzeria)

 

More bits of plastic cup

So, he also says I spend all my time on the computer.  (wrong)  He says I neglect my kids so I can sit in here and do “whatever it is I do” on my computer.  (wrong)  He says I’m selfish and that I’m the most selfish motherfucker out there ( I do believe those were his exact words) and then told me I am just like my father (which would have been an attempt to hurt my feelings) and just like my mother (another attempt, I think) and then he just kept on fluctuating between calling me names and daring me to keep attacking him!  I told him he drank too much, that was me attacking him.  Obviously, on his planet, that warrants scaring the fuck out of your kids, coming within an inch of taking your wife’s head off (and sacrificing the door and an innocent cup instead) and walking out on your family (although somehow he never got out the door and passed out 3 ft from it in a chair instead).

Stack of Playboys, right in view of kids

And this whole time I’m thinking he’s insane.  He’s flipped his fucking lid.  But he hits the right buttons, because within 10 minutes I’m in tears in the girls room and can’t stop them from coming, and the girls are now sufficiently freaked out…and i kept trying to tell them it was ok, but I can’t stop crying…what if I am a horrible mom?  What if I am selfish and I just don’t know it?  what if I’m making their life worse?  I am so full of doubt about myself right now that I’m crying again.

I have to go make myself a coffee and just get this out of my system.  I’m sure I’ll be back.

Oh, and did I mention I spent friday (my birthday) and saturday puking my guts out with a 102 average fever and he was upset that I didn’t hop off the couch that I was passed out on when he got home to tend to his needs?  Fucker.

Ok, I’m really going for coffee now, just had to get a little pissed to keep it all in perspective.

:)