Perspective

Every once in a while the filter that I view things through will drop off and things will just look different.  It happens more and more now that I'm not afraid of him.  Remove some of the hatred I was feeling towards him and even more of the filter slips away.

I still flip-flop on a daily basis, but knowing that somewhere inside of me is peace and confidence...that makes me feel hopeful.  Knowing that I am not the person he convinced me I was makes me feel joy and optimistic towards the future.  

Now I hope I can convey those traits, the optimism, joy and hope, to my daughters.  I know now that I could never have been the person they needed me to be if I had not gone to California.  My plans did not work out how I had intended, but who says they didn't go the way they needed to go?  I have faith that things happen for a reason. 

I am not a victim, so why do I sound like one?

I have to say right up front...nothing happened to me that I didn't allow.  It's easy to say I didn't see it coming, I didn't see the signs.  But really, it was easier to pretend it wasn't happening. 

I am absolutely guilty of allowing myself to be abused and then to letting myself believe that my abuser was actually going to be cooperative and allow me and our daughters to live a life that didn't involve chaos and drunken rages. 

Now I have to endure my ex's harassment, listen to him curse and terrify my children (while I'm on the phone with them), and rely upon a mother that helped my ex renig on his agreement to let my kids come with me when I moved and she worked to keep my kids here so that they would still be near her.  And that is also my own fault.  I allowed this to happen by not making it stop.

Why do I feel compelled to share all of this with you?  Because I know that someone out there is in the same position I was a year or two ago.  I know someone out there is suffocating and so stressed out that they are having chest pains daily and aren't sure if they are going to live or die and at times...just don't care any more. 

If that is you...let me just say...if I were back there two years ago and had to make the decisions I've made all over again, knowing what I know now...I'd probably do things a little differently.  Here's what I'd have done:

• Now that there are phones with video, I'd have videotaped that motherfucker screaming at me, breaking things, slamming doors, and my terrified kids asking me why he was doing that, what had they done?
  
• I'd have figured it out on my own, I would not have relied upon anyone.  Difficult to comprehend doing it alone? How about finding out your mom and friend are sharing all of your thoughts, secrets and plans with your soon to be ex.  Yeah, I'd make a plan and keep that shit to myself.
  
• I'd have his traffic records and DUI stops on paper and on hand when we went to court
  
• I'd have video of him driving drunk on hand when I went to court
  
• I'd have a copy of  the conversation between my son and I regarding my son having to drive the drunken piece of crap home when my son was only 14 years old.
  
• I'd have been ruthless, because he never every intended to do anything that was good for anyone else, it's always been about what's in it for him. 

So...KEEP TRACK OF EVERYTHING!! Really.  I can't stress that enough.  Be prepared and keep track of everything!

I'm starting over with a slight disadvantage, but I still have two girls that KNOW I love them and always have.  They KNOW their dad lies and they KNOW I'm never going to give up on them.  That is all I need to keep going and do what needs to be done. 

Finding out you aren't alone

Today I went to help my mom with some filing at the law office she works at.  She needed help, she offered money and the use of her car so I could go see the girls (my car is still in California) so I went. 

As I was sorting through endless piles of pleadings, I started to see a pattern in some of the attachments.  There were lots of pages of printouts of text messages.  And they ALL could have been written by my ex.  Holy Crap.  They were identical to something he would have said.  And they weren't all men that were the obvious aggressors here...some were women.  I was shocked.  I mean, I'm the only one who had to go through that bullshit....still go through that bullshit.  Right?  Apparently not.  Who knew?  I sure as hell didn't! 

That really did strike a chord with me.  I'm not alone.  I know people tell you that you aren't the only one, everyone goes through similar stuff, etc.  But to hear that and to understand that are two different things.  Today I understood it. 

He's freaking nuts. There's no other explanation.

Now that we are officially divorced, I think he's finally grasping the concept that he has NO control over my world. 

Let me back up a little, to explain how I came to that realization.

Before the school year began last year, he needed at least one utility in his name so he could register the girls.  All our bills were in my name because he'd destroyed his own credit so bad, there was no hope of getting accounts in his name.  So I called Progress Energy, who said they could not do that, he'd have to get his own account.  Ok, next!  I called Verizon, who said "No problem".  I gave them his name, and supposedly they changed it.  He registered the girls so I thought it all worked out. 

Fast forward to a couple of weeks ago.  He said Verizon was still in my name and needed to be changed.  Huh?  Ok...I'd try again when I get a minute.  Then I got a call from Progress Energy thanking me for opening a new account.  Double HUH?  Apparently he opened his own account but it's still linked to my name and my phone.  He said he fixed it, but we'll see.

So today I get this incoherent ranting about the Verizon account and how I screwed everything up and I never did anything I was supposed and blah blah blah.  How he's the only one who considers our daughters, he's the only one who does what he's supposed to, he's the only one being responsible. 

He's delusional. 

This man has never done anything that wasn't going to benefit him in some way.  What does he get out of being responsible for the girls? Everyone sees him doing it and thinks he's SuperDad.  What if everyone heard how he was talking to my daughters the other night when he didn't know I was on Skype with them?  God, I wish I had a recording device, that shit would be ALL over Facebook, Twitter, everywhere I could broadcast it.  No one should speak to another human like that, and especially not your child!  What if everyone could see his drunk, snoring, disgusting body laying in the middle of the living room floor where he's passed out, and his kids have to step over him to get anywhere in the house?

Yes, he's delusional.  He can pretend to be whatever he wants to be...but my kids know the truth.  And really, that's the only people on earth that matter.


Oh, and while I'm already ranting, he's also under the impression I'm some completely incompetent moron.  If I'm incompetent, why is his world falling apart now that I'm gone?  Who the hell was holding it all together for the last 17 years??  What a freaking train wreck! 

He's also now asking me about my car, he wants to see my repair records and verification that it's safe to operate.  Does he really want to go that route?  I think not.  His car is a nightmare, and the house he lives in?  It's disgusting, too small for 3 people and falling apart. 


So, as we go along and the girls and I enjoy life and build a future and learn and explore and LIVE....I have a feeling he's going to spiral out of control and who knows where this will land?  My ex-friend (who supplied lots of lies to support my ex's attacks on me after I left him) used to be convinced he'd kill me and the girls when he finally lost control.  I guess I'll just have to be vigilant and see what happens.

Suddenly I'm a stressed out Army Mom again

My son deploys tomorrow and suddenly my whole world shifts again.  He's not headed to Afghanistan yet but he's leaving the United States so it's scary and nerve wracking and as much as he's excited, I'm scared to death. 

My own travel plans have been delayed by a week, but that was due to my inability to count pay days.  I'll be leaving the 15th (or shortly thereafter) to head to Florida to be with my two totally amazing princesses.  I'm very excited about being back in their life full time, and a little excited and apprehensive about driving across the country by myself.  It's going to be quite the adventure!!!

And to update the divorce/custody crap:  We have had an agreement for a couple of weeks.  I had a copy signed and notarized and sent to him to submit to the court..but as usual, there is no word from him as to whether he actually submitted it or not.  It's really not going to be easy for him to blame me for this delay this time when I have email records of our correspondence as well as my own notarized copy of the Marital Settlement Agreement and Parenting Plan. 

I'm really ready for this to be over.  I'm not sure he is ready to give up control (as if he actually has it! lol) 

Gotta go work! 

(I'm) Raising a can of Red Bull to your Peace, love and pursuit of happiness!!

Moving forward. Again.

It's been a long time since I posted.  Since December actually.

Sometimes I'm afraid to keep blogging, because I'm still scared he's going to find out and come completely unhinged.  His full name isn't on here, and I doubt anyone he knows would ever read it...but God forbid ANYONE know his personal business.  I honestly don't know how far his reaction would go.

But then, I start thinking and decide...Screw it!  He did what he did, I did what I did and I don't give a shit who knows.  The people who matter to me know the truth and those that spread lies and think they know the whole story can rot in hell as far as I'm concerned.  They no longer exist to me.

Things have come a long way since I wrote my last post in December.  I'm in California still, but life is about the change drastically again.  I'm heading back to Florida in a few weeks and will spend the majority of my time there because that is where my kids are going to be for a while.  My heart can't exist this far away anymore.  And it's not fair to the girls to keep this fight going.  They deserve both parents and a stress free life. 

I will be heading back to Florida a different person entirely.  I'm not sure anyone is going to like who they are getting back.  It's going to be very interesting. 

The small things don't matter

As the tornado of emotion dissipates, you find yourself sitting on the outside watching those that thrive on chaos and feed off of others despair...and wondering why you let these vampires suck the life out of you for so long.  They throw out tendrils barbed with triggers they know will engage you...but only so long as you accept those triggers.  Eventually, you have to decide:  Shit?  Or get off the pot? 

The truth that I imagine I knew all along has come out about not only Tom but others, and I realize that they require misery and dysfunction in their world.  That is a sad way to live.

So, while my life might not be perfect and it's far from successful, I know that the path I'm on is the right one for me at the moment.  It's the path I need to take to give my daughters what they will need in the future.  My kids all know that they are my reason for living, and that I'm doing everything I can to fix the mistakes I've made in the past.  No one else matters.

Why do we let others feelings matter?

I sometimes wonder, "Why do I let anyone else's needs, wants, or opinions control my life?"  And by "anyone" I mean those who are obviously quite against my current life path.

The world is such an amazing place with so much to explore and learn...I think I'm done wasting my time with those who choose to live in their own negative vacuum.

Life is good today....

Visiting my kids and second thoughts

No matter how right I know what I'm doing is, it doesn't make it easy. It kills me to send my kids back to their dad's house, crying and freaking out. Having no support is really hard too. If I could feel like anyone knew what this felt like, maybe I wouldn't doubting myself so often.

I need an interpreter

A few weeks ago Tom asked me to send him a bill for the design work I had done on his websites and the art for his business cards and brochures...so I did.  I also included his website hosting bill.  He never responded.  I was too busy to go chase him so I just waited.  Then the deadline for paying the hosting came and went and I did what he would have done himself.  I suspended the service.  I pay for his bandwidth, and I can't afford to pay so he can earn money and not pay his bills.  Yes, I know I'm sounding like him now.  I'm sure that was his reasoning when he called and cancelled my car insurance.  Yes, I could have called him and asked if he was going to pay it and when and then maybe given him a little more time to pay it, but I also have deadlines, so he would only get a few days.  Of course, he could have called me and said can you get your car insurance all set up before the date this one renews so I can take my bank account off the insurance autopay?  That would have been lovely.  It would also have saved me a lot of money and hassle. But that's never been his way of doing things.  He's a control freak, he is always right and he always does things his way.  So I decided to play things his way.  His deadline came, and ok...I waited another 2 weeks almost (I'm always optimistic that people will see the right way to do things and change their ways), after 2 weeks with no payment, I turned off his email and websites.  He asked what it would take to get them back on.  I told him $60, just like the invoice I sent said. 

So...does he send me $60 to cover his bill?  Does he ask if I can wait another week?  Does he try to even be reasonable?  Nope!  He simply tells me he's turning off my cell phone.

See?  He doesn't pay his bill, I do what he would have done, what any business would have done, and he finds another way to make it not his fault and he'll punish me for having the nerve to do business in a normal manner. 

He's a vindictive horrible person. 

And it gets better.

Me, being the moron I am, talk to him and turn his sites back on (without being paid yet) because it's going to hurt his business, blah blah...whatever.  Anyway, I turn them back on.  Then we discuss the invoice I sent weeks ago (that he still says he never got and that I have since sent a new copy to the new email  he set up).  He went through the list and told me to send a new invoice with just a few hand picked items on there.  He also asked exactly when the hosting had to be paid.  Originally it was 11-1-11, but I covered that for him, now I told him 11-17-11, but if he was having a hard time paying that 11-25-11 was the final date to pay before it would all get shut off.  He was fine on the phone.   Oh, and I also let him know that I had updated my change of address and was now getting the electric bill and verizon bill, since they were still in my name.  I explained that all I did was change my address to get my own mail, not try to get his bills, but that I'd be happy to send information as it came in.  He was definitely a little weird about that...but what difference is it if I get my mail?  Unless he's doing stuff in my name?  Hmmmmmmm...

Anyway, he immediately called his lawyer regarding the bills (don't ask how I know, I have my sources) and then when I sent a follow up to the invoice for the hosting and other stuff, he sent back an email saying he didn't respond to extortion.  WTF???  Why would he talk on the phone with me, work out what he could afford, have me send an invoice for just those items, and then tell me it's extortion?? He's freaking nuts!!! 

I have learned a little bit during this last week.  I send copies of everything I send him to his lawyer.  I also include Tom's responses.  Let his lawyer see how insane he really is...

Emotional and financial abuse

I've been following a Facebook page that discusses emotional and financial abuse. I really never thought of things like eliminating my access to the bank account or making our financial problems my fault after keeping me from working were considered abuse. But it does make sense. It's a way of control. It's a way to make you feel like you have no way of making a change or making a difference in what is happening to you.

I made the move to California to get away from his control.  My mom is pissed at me because she said I didn't listen to her and do it the right way.  First of all, she never told me much more than just be careful.  What does that mean?  I was freaking DYING!  Tom had sucked every ounce of my will to exist out of my soul.  If it weren't for my kids I'd have just gone to bed one day and never woken up.  My soul was that empty.  I was in so much pain and then sometime in the last few years I just became numb.  Circumstances brought me to where I met the people I know in California and I swear it was by divine intervention that I was led here. 

I have faith that I'm on the right path and I have faith that this will work out for the girls.  The girls are my motivation for all I do.  They are my soul.  They kept me alive and made life worth waking up for each day, even with his extreme negativity and the threat of violent outburst at anything I did throughout the day.  They are my angels. 

It really hurts that my mother and ex-friends all believe that I would abandon my kids to come to California.  They think I left them for a man.  How can someone who says they are my friend and especially MY MOTHER, who should know me better, tell people that?  How can they spread that lie that only is true in their mind, because it's not at all what happened? Those girls are my life, and no one comes before them.  I came to California to build a different life for them where they can be free to be themselves, where no one else will make them feel guilty because of their feelings.  Yes, I was stupid to believe that Tom would every hold up his end of the bargain...he hasn't told the truth or held up his end of an agreement since I met him so I can't even tell you why I believed that he would let the girls come out as soon as I got myself settled here.  I just wanted to believe that he could be decent.  I wanted to believe so bad that life was going to get bettter.  I wanted to believe that he cared enough about the girls to not keep them away from me.  He never wanted anything to do with us when I was there, before I left him.  Then he only wanted to call from around the corner and show up whenever he wanted to.  HE USED TO FREAKING CRAWL IN THE WINDOW OF OUR HOUSE WHEN THE GIRLS AND I WERE SLEEPING!!!!!  Can you say "STALKER???"  He's scary and his way of rationalizing things is warped beyond a level of being able to deal with him. 

This past week he threatened to turn off my phone because I shut off his websites for not paying his hosting bill.  The judge said he needed to pay my cell phone, he didn't say I had to support Tom's insurance business websites.  I sent him invoices that he conveniently says he didn't receive.  That's not my problem, just like him decreasing my insurance coverage and then cancelling it wasn't his problem. 

I think the worst part of this, after the fact that I'm not with my girls, is that he and my mother and everyone in their little circle is convinced they are right and I'm wrong.  They think I'm wrong for trying to get my kids away from an abusive person and at least let them live part of the year in an emotionally safe environment, where they can learn to distinguish between healthy and non-healthy relationship.  So...then they support the abuse and want it to continue.  That's just sick.

Seeing my mother like this has brought back some memories as a kid...memories that are filling in blanks.  My mom has always told me how my dad made our house unbearable...but he was never really there.  She was.  So if she was the one there, then she made the house unbearable.  Right?  And if my dad was so bad, then she was the one who should have fixed the problem.  She should have gotten us out of there.  So she made my life hell when I was a kid and now she's helping to make my kids lives hell.

On the almost bright side, I've started to develop a relationship with my dad, so I guess I'm not a total orphan...although at this point, I'm so numb when it comes to these people who were supposed to love you and protect you and do anything for you...I just don't think I care much any more.

I get to go the Ball!!!

I'm getting ready to head to Lake Tahoe for the Marine Corps Ball on Saturday!!!

I'm so excited!!!!

The use of terms that are incorrect

Superdad (aka my soon to be ex) just freaked out and send an email full of hate (in all caps even!! wow! I feel special!) about how I abandoned my kids.

I believe abandonment requires no contact, doesn't it? Abandonment in his world really means: "your kids are 3000 miles from you because when you tried to go somewhere I wouldn't stalk you anymore I lied and said the kids could come too (for 50% of the time) and then got a lawyer and prevented them from coming at all"

I think I need a dictionary from his planet...

I want to explain why I keep posting all these little tidbits

After finally getting it through my thick skull that he is going to lie, cheat and steal until he gets his way, I've decided I don't care if the world knows he's a piece of shit.  I also realize I need to keep a daily diary of accounts, such as him getting mad at the 12 year old and picking her up by her hair, and the 12 year old jumping out of the car (both his and my mom's) when she's having a fit that could have been avoided if they'd just discipline her and stop letting her rule their world...you know, stuff like that. 
Anyway, my official reasons for blogging about this again...

1.  I want to have a record for my own purposes, to be used whenever he tries to take the girls away from me again.  He has no reason for the judge to take the girls away from me, so he's begun  making stuff up.  I think a diary like record (as in a blog) will be more than a solid record of his behavior and how it effects the girls.  I would never try to take the girls away from him the same way he's trying to take them from me, but he's insisted on going down this path...and I can't play the game like he does, not caring how much it's damaging the girls, but I have to do what I have to do in order to protect them from his deranged way of living.

2.  I need to get this out and in place I can read it back to myself and see it from a different point of view.  When chaos is erupting on the other end of the phone, it's hard not to get sucked in and react to that.  It's important that I know that I am no longer under his control and that only if I stay calm, will my children also stay calm.

I just want my kids out of there as much as possible, even if it's only half the year, to see that life is NOT healthy or normal.  They need to have an idea that they can be themselves without fear of ridicule or harassment, that they are welcome to be themselves somewhere.

This is not ideal, but this is how it all worked out.

Now to make it work out the best it can under the circumstances.

He's talked the girls into not going to gymnastics practice. Again.

This is the man that insists it was me that could not follow through, that didn't stick to anything, that I was the one that was messing the kids up by not making them follow through...and then he talks them out of going to gymnastics every chance he gets.  I guess any man that thinks he can give up on his marriage commitment and abandon his family for a bottle of scotch would think that a gymnastics commitment wasn't all that important.

ARRRRGGGHHHH!!!

My 12 year old drama queen has done it again!

Once again, my 12 year old has disrupted two households with her drama.  She didn't do her homework, so her sister, dad, myself and everyone in between has to hear her scream bloody murder about how she has to have it done, how she doesn't have the instructions, and how it isn't her fault that she didn't do it.

Somehow these evenings often correspond with immature and harassing text messages from her father to me.  I wonder if that is a coincident, or not?

Anyway...now I'm sitting here waiting for someone to call me back.  I've been hung up on twice...once by the 12 year old, the other time I'm not sure who hung up.  My poor 10 year old is in the middle of this insanity and I just want to fly in, scoop them both up and bring them here were they can be themselves without the guilt and chaos that is their life there.


*sigh*

Ok, got a call back.  Apparently the 12 year old got so worked up she vomited all over her bed.   She called me back saying she couldn't get up because she was dizzy and he was in the living room not doing anything about it.  (He did eventually wander in to change the sheets, for the record.  Or at least he said he was doing that.  There was a lot of him yelling about gross things on their floor and how they were horrible slobs, etc. so he might not have actually done it.  I don't know for sure.)

Anyway, I just finished reading to them, and everyone is asleep.  I have a headache and I'm going to go find some food...

Working with my daughter

Today is going fairly well...my 12 year old is helping me work on one of my websites.  She's so smart and creative!! Now if I could only send her and her sister a computer so we could work together every day (AND see each other via webcam), this whole separation would not be so hard.  I'm working on it though...I know it will happen soon.

Ok, she's back, going to work now!

It's a good day today!!

I'm officially a student!!  I'll be studying to become a Veterinary Technician!! I'm so excited I can't even focus on anything right now.

***insert image of me bouncing like a Tigger here***

I haven't told anyone, with the exception of a few people who gave me references and my kids...but today I can blab to the world!

I need to try to get some work done, the Marines that are so good to us are waiting for something from me so I need to make myself focus long enough to finish that art for them.

I'll be back to bounce up and down some more later!

My kids didn't call back tonight...

We have a nightly ritual. I read stories to them every night still. Usually, it's stuff like Percy Jackson, Harry Potter, the Secret Garden.

I texted their dad at 10:30, which is pretty late for them, to ask if they were ready for bed yet. He said they had company and weren't ready yet.

I think they told me they didn't have school tomorrow. I'm pretty sure it was this week they got Friday off.

So...it's now 1:20 in Florida and I'm thinking they fell asleep at some point. I'm not too worried. I just miss them.

His neglect of the animals

is killing my kids.  Today the parrotlet died.  This is the bird my 12 year old got for her birthday last year. It's basically a parrot in minature, lives for a LONG time and is very hearty (unlike parakeets).  He wouldn't buy food for it for at least a week, closer to two weeks.  I heard the girls asking him to buy it.  I told the girls to go ask their grandmother to buy it if he was going to refuse.  I think they eventually got him food, but you can't starve a freaking animal for any length of time and expect good things!

So far in the last year, his count on starving animals is:

8+ baby bunnies
5 adult bunnies
1 parrotlet

Possible starvation/probable heat stroke:

1 cat

Disappearances/possible heat stroke:

12+ chickens



The police were called about his letting the chickens into the cemetery next door and all the damage they were doing.  Then he locked all of them into an 8x6 shed/coop attached to an 8x6 yard.  20 chickens!!  Can you imagine the health problems attached to that?

He refuses to feed/water/care for any animal when the girls are gone.  He actually lost a Betta when the girls were gone one week.  LOST A FISH!! IN THE TANK!!  We were here frantically searching for pictures of this fish in my photo album so he could go replace it with an exact duplicate.

GRRRRRRRR!!!!

I have to go work on one of my sites, I just had to get that out of my system before something vital in my cranium burst.  I'll be here working until one of the girls calls me in distress again.

=((