Today was fun. The girls and my mom and I went to the Chasco Fiesta Parade. There were lots of Pirates, which thrilled the girls. But the best part for them was everyone in the parade was throwing beads and candy to the crowd. It was pretty neat. Then we went to see the Native American Dancing again. It got pretty hot so we went shopping for hair ties, and found some other misc stuff we probably didn’t need but bought anyway. We found decals from my (gr) grandfathers clan. I also got a stand for my smudging shell. My shell is sort of big, and I lost the original stand, so I am happy I saw one big enough. We also got a very big bag of sage. I am considering going back for a second bag. I’m going to need to smudge this house every few hours to keep things under control I think.
I discovered I have a sunburn when I went past a mirror a little while ago. I hope the girls aren’t also burned. They went with my mom after we were done and are spending the night. I guess I’ll see in the morning.
I think the fresh air and all the activity from today has me ready for bed.
See you all tomorrow.
:)
Sunday, March 25, 2007
Saturday, March 24, 2007
I’ve been painting for hours while listening to Arvel Bird and One Nation
I went back to the festival tonight and got two cd’s from the musicians we heard last night. I loved it. (I’m trying to think of something profound to say, since I feel this music and the whole experience last night was what opened the beforementioned door in my soul that had been locked a long time ago - but I’m really tired, my eyes are hurting and I think I have to go sleep)
The musicians were a group that have a CD together as well as individual projects: Arvel Bird, and Arvel Bird and One Nation are the websites with more information about them. There are a couple of songs to download on either site. After my eyes stop burning I’ll see if I can find the other musicians individual sites (if they have them).
I got the kids in bed and came in here and put the first cd in the computer and finished a website design I had started earlier today. Shortly before I finished it I started getting ideas for some paintings. Keep in mind I haven’t painted in um…well…I have no idea how long. I’ve painted for clients but for myself? Actually, I’d have to say that I’ve never really painted for myself. I have canvases that were started before I got a computer. They’ll most likely remain in their current state until I either toss them or give them to mom to paint over for her own art. So, I got inspired, I opened Photoshop and I started painting. I have to say that it’s not bad. It’s not done, but I can see that it’s coming along almost where it should be. I painted through 2 playings of one CD (Animal Totems) and 1 playing of the other CD (Animal Totems 2). I’m sure if someone had come to the office door they’d have been quite amazed by my enthusiasm. I was just going to town. I think I need to do that daily.
I am grateful for the chance to go yesterday, I really believe it was where I needed to be. I plan on going back as often as possible while they are here. I want my daughters to see the dancers, hear stories, learn as much as possible in the short amount of time the opportunity is here. I admit that right now, they have been more interested in hanging out with their friends. I am going to try to take them without anyone else so they won’t be distracted. I think they’d have fun.
As for the other problem…I’m trying to keep the courage to do what I need to do. I know that the universe will set the stage if it’s what I truly want, I just have to show up and do my part. But…Why can’t this be simple? Hell, for that matter, why does he have to be an alcoholic? I’m sure he thinks this should have just blown over by now. I’m supposed to just pretend that he’s not blaming me for our situation. That he’s not downright nasty and venomous when he lets me know it’s all my fault. I’m supposed to forget that I won’t discuss anything with him without a counselor to act as my witness…or that he’s been given an ultimatum. I’m supposed to bow down and act like woman (or at least his ass backward idea of what a woman should be). Well buddy, we aren’t in the 1500’s anymore and the women in my family don’t bow to anyone. The women in my family catch wild horses with their bare hands and ride the hogs that got loose from their pen back after catching them with articles of clothing. He’s got another thing coming if he thinks I’m like his own mother. He’s unaware that I’ve found my own warrior spirit again…and I’m NOT bowing. I’m going to protect my family from what I see as a danger. I’m not going to back down. I never did before I met him, and I am sorry that I was temporarily a big chicken. If you call 15 years temporary :-p But now…I am strong, I am independent and I am pissed. I’ve also begun to change back into who I was…I am no longer a headstrong stubborn donkey being dragged through life. I am, once again, a determined and confident horse that has a place and a purpose in this world. I will always remember that the horse is my medicine.
Now I really HAVE to go to sleep. If I don’t I’ll start painting again…and it’s already 3:30am. The girls get up way too early to stay up til 8am painting. :-)
So I will see you all tomorrow.
Goodnight
:)
The musicians were a group that have a CD together as well as individual projects: Arvel Bird, and Arvel Bird and One Nation are the websites with more information about them. There are a couple of songs to download on either site. After my eyes stop burning I’ll see if I can find the other musicians individual sites (if they have them).
I got the kids in bed and came in here and put the first cd in the computer and finished a website design I had started earlier today. Shortly before I finished it I started getting ideas for some paintings. Keep in mind I haven’t painted in um…well…I have no idea how long. I’ve painted for clients but for myself? Actually, I’d have to say that I’ve never really painted for myself. I have canvases that were started before I got a computer. They’ll most likely remain in their current state until I either toss them or give them to mom to paint over for her own art. So, I got inspired, I opened Photoshop and I started painting. I have to say that it’s not bad. It’s not done, but I can see that it’s coming along almost where it should be. I painted through 2 playings of one CD (Animal Totems) and 1 playing of the other CD (Animal Totems 2). I’m sure if someone had come to the office door they’d have been quite amazed by my enthusiasm. I was just going to town. I think I need to do that daily.
I am grateful for the chance to go yesterday, I really believe it was where I needed to be. I plan on going back as often as possible while they are here. I want my daughters to see the dancers, hear stories, learn as much as possible in the short amount of time the opportunity is here. I admit that right now, they have been more interested in hanging out with their friends. I am going to try to take them without anyone else so they won’t be distracted. I think they’d have fun.
As for the other problem…I’m trying to keep the courage to do what I need to do. I know that the universe will set the stage if it’s what I truly want, I just have to show up and do my part. But…Why can’t this be simple? Hell, for that matter, why does he have to be an alcoholic? I’m sure he thinks this should have just blown over by now. I’m supposed to just pretend that he’s not blaming me for our situation. That he’s not downright nasty and venomous when he lets me know it’s all my fault. I’m supposed to forget that I won’t discuss anything with him without a counselor to act as my witness…or that he’s been given an ultimatum. I’m supposed to bow down and act like woman (or at least his ass backward idea of what a woman should be). Well buddy, we aren’t in the 1500’s anymore and the women in my family don’t bow to anyone. The women in my family catch wild horses with their bare hands and ride the hogs that got loose from their pen back after catching them with articles of clothing. He’s got another thing coming if he thinks I’m like his own mother. He’s unaware that I’ve found my own warrior spirit again…and I’m NOT bowing. I’m going to protect my family from what I see as a danger. I’m not going to back down. I never did before I met him, and I am sorry that I was temporarily a big chicken. If you call 15 years temporary :-p But now…I am strong, I am independent and I am pissed. I’ve also begun to change back into who I was…I am no longer a headstrong stubborn donkey being dragged through life. I am, once again, a determined and confident horse that has a place and a purpose in this world. I will always remember that the horse is my medicine.
Now I really HAVE to go to sleep. If I don’t I’ll start painting again…and it’s already 3:30am. The girls get up way too early to stay up til 8am painting. :-)
So I will see you all tomorrow.
Goodnight
:)
Thursday, March 22, 2007
I got my motivation…
I need to work on it more though. And I’m just plain wiped out tonight. I spent a few hours sitting on the ground listening to Native American music and watching dancers. We also walked around and looked at crafts and jewelry. And after a good healthy smudging…I’m really in need of a long nights sleep.
I did have a vision tonight. Perhaps a vision of what is to come. Or maybe it was my own inner strength making an appearance. I had an experience that touched me in a way that my only possible reaction was to cry, much to the confusion of others who noticed. I also discovered that these are the people I need to be among. I need it like a body needs air. I felt like I was where I belonged. I felt an enormous amount of peace. I’d like to live that feeling, not just visit it once a year.
I have a lot of building up of my self esteem to do and a lot of decisions to make. It is painfully clear that he has no intention of stopping drinking, he was reeking of alcohol when I picked him up tonight. So much so that my mom, who was in the back of the van, asked me if he’d been drinking (once she’d gotten home and could IM me without him blowing up). He also kept asking me if I was actually coming to bed tonight. That alone shows how much he had to drink. I’ve not gone in there for days because he’s just venomous and the negativity is oozing out of him AND I’m not really fond of the idea of sleeping in the same bed with a person who despises me and thinks I’m a horrible bitch who is responsible for all our woes…for some reason though last night in the middle of the night I wandered in to the bed. I think I ended up in there purely to see how great our new mattress was He totally despises and can’t seem to bitch enough about it. Personally, I thought it was very comfortable. I told him so. Then he went on about how we need to buy one of those sleep number beds…and I’m thinking, “yeah right Buddy! We need to spend money on filing for a divorce and counseling for our kids. Not a fucking bed!”
Ok, I’m losing my feeling that I had before. I need to keep it in order to accomplish what I want tonight. I really think a door was opened tonight. One that I’ve had locked for so long that I had forgotten it was there. And it was the kind of door that only a stranger would even dare to unlock.
The possible repercussions are just too great for some people I know.
I’m getting delirious now. I’m going to bed. See you tomorrow.
:)
I did have a vision tonight. Perhaps a vision of what is to come. Or maybe it was my own inner strength making an appearance. I had an experience that touched me in a way that my only possible reaction was to cry, much to the confusion of others who noticed. I also discovered that these are the people I need to be among. I need it like a body needs air. I felt like I was where I belonged. I felt an enormous amount of peace. I’d like to live that feeling, not just visit it once a year.
I have a lot of building up of my self esteem to do and a lot of decisions to make. It is painfully clear that he has no intention of stopping drinking, he was reeking of alcohol when I picked him up tonight. So much so that my mom, who was in the back of the van, asked me if he’d been drinking (once she’d gotten home and could IM me without him blowing up). He also kept asking me if I was actually coming to bed tonight. That alone shows how much he had to drink. I’ve not gone in there for days because he’s just venomous and the negativity is oozing out of him AND I’m not really fond of the idea of sleeping in the same bed with a person who despises me and thinks I’m a horrible bitch who is responsible for all our woes…for some reason though last night in the middle of the night I wandered in to the bed. I think I ended up in there purely to see how great our new mattress was He totally despises and can’t seem to bitch enough about it. Personally, I thought it was very comfortable. I told him so. Then he went on about how we need to buy one of those sleep number beds…and I’m thinking, “yeah right Buddy! We need to spend money on filing for a divorce and counseling for our kids. Not a fucking bed!”
Ok, I’m losing my feeling that I had before. I need to keep it in order to accomplish what I want tonight. I really think a door was opened tonight. One that I’ve had locked for so long that I had forgotten it was there. And it was the kind of door that only a stranger would even dare to unlock.
The possible repercussions are just too great for some people I know.
I’m getting delirious now. I’m going to bed. See you tomorrow.
:)
I am in need of motivation
I can’t seem to focus still today. It’s getting annoying. This has to be resolved so we can move on. It’s wasting too much time.
Last night he refused to speak to me while my mom was here. He wanted her to leave before he’d talk (doesn’t want witnesses to his behavior of course) and then he didn’t say a word really after she left. He is trying to act like nothing happened today but I can see him unraveling. He had to call the lawyer to discuss some things that only he can do and he got pissed at me because I wouldn’t do it. I CAN’T do it. Obviously, since he wants me to that should be a good enough reason for me to be able to do it. I have noticed that just because he thinks it should be right, he’s convinced it is. I think his parents have imposed their Judge Judy legal expertise on him one too many times. The law is the law. You can’t bully your way to your own preferred outcome. The bank wants to repossess our truck and he’s totally nonchalant about the fact when it’s an issue of me getting in trouble (it’s in my name) but now that he’s got to go to the truck to get to work, cause I’m not letting him park here and get it repossessed in the middle of the night, well now it’s a big deal. Or is it…oh wait, he thinks he can just take my van so it’s not such a big deal now. Let ‘em have it! He’s done with bills and money problems. (yes, he said that to me yesterday). He’s delusional.
I should have been able to send money to the bank today, but due to a typical blunder by him, I can’t. He can not possibly do all these things that lead to bigger problems on accident. They have to be intentional, even if it’s a subconscious thing.
It was recommended by someone, who knows these sorts of things, that I sort of emotionally divorce him in my mind in order to be able to maintain my sanity during this all…and I have to say the tremendous relief I felt just by that small action is enormous. I can breath again. I’m not seeing spots, I don’t have chest pains…it’s nice to be able to think.
OK, there was a 6 hour break in there. Didjya notice? LOL
I went in to get coffee and a friend called and wanted to know if I wanted to watch Native Americans dancing and if so…to get my butt down to the park post haste. So I grabbed kids and ran out of here.
AND I had an incredible night. I need to get some thoughts in order and then I will write more. I have so many feelings and ideas and things I can’t even classify going through my head right now. I need to sort it out. I’ll be back a little later I think.
Last night he refused to speak to me while my mom was here. He wanted her to leave before he’d talk (doesn’t want witnesses to his behavior of course) and then he didn’t say a word really after she left. He is trying to act like nothing happened today but I can see him unraveling. He had to call the lawyer to discuss some things that only he can do and he got pissed at me because I wouldn’t do it. I CAN’T do it. Obviously, since he wants me to that should be a good enough reason for me to be able to do it. I have noticed that just because he thinks it should be right, he’s convinced it is. I think his parents have imposed their Judge Judy legal expertise on him one too many times. The law is the law. You can’t bully your way to your own preferred outcome. The bank wants to repossess our truck and he’s totally nonchalant about the fact when it’s an issue of me getting in trouble (it’s in my name) but now that he’s got to go to the truck to get to work, cause I’m not letting him park here and get it repossessed in the middle of the night, well now it’s a big deal. Or is it…oh wait, he thinks he can just take my van so it’s not such a big deal now. Let ‘em have it! He’s done with bills and money problems. (yes, he said that to me yesterday). He’s delusional.
I should have been able to send money to the bank today, but due to a typical blunder by him, I can’t. He can not possibly do all these things that lead to bigger problems on accident. They have to be intentional, even if it’s a subconscious thing.
It was recommended by someone, who knows these sorts of things, that I sort of emotionally divorce him in my mind in order to be able to maintain my sanity during this all…and I have to say the tremendous relief I felt just by that small action is enormous. I can breath again. I’m not seeing spots, I don’t have chest pains…it’s nice to be able to think.
OK, there was a 6 hour break in there. Didjya notice? LOL
I went in to get coffee and a friend called and wanted to know if I wanted to watch Native Americans dancing and if so…to get my butt down to the park post haste. So I grabbed kids and ran out of here.
AND I had an incredible night. I need to get some thoughts in order and then I will write more. I have so many feelings and ideas and things I can’t even classify going through my head right now. I need to sort it out. I’ll be back a little later I think.
Wednesday, March 21, 2007
Why does the internet bring out the most childish of behaviors?
I’m sort of spinning now…going from one room to the next, doing a few dishes, then wandering off to the laundry, then wandering off to the next thing…never actually completing anything at this point. Anyway, in the course of my wanderings I plopped down here and started reading the news. One article just made me so sad. There is a woman, April Branum, in California who is overweight and didn’t know she was pregnant til 2 days before she gave birth. Ok, that isn’t horrible. I’m sure it’s not the first time it’s happened. What is horrible is the childish and nasty remarks her situation got on her local news website about the article. These people, who do not know this woman, had the audacity to question her parenting abilities based on everything from her weight and the condition of the room she was photographed in. I will venture a guess here and say that most of those people who made negative comments are not perfectly toned, healthy, neat freaks and they most likely are also overweight and live in conditions that aren’t the most pristine. Some people need to make others look bad or feel bad in order to not feel so horrible about their own lives. They take out their own frustrations with their selves on innocent people they don’t even know. God forbid someone find one of these anonymous souls and dished out commentary on their own personal choices or habits. They’d never be able to take the heat. That is why they thrash people with a virtual whip under the cover of an anonymous username. They are cowards.
I think that until you have lived with someone or experienced their world firsthand, you have no room to talk. You should worry about your own world and start fixing your own problems. In other words, Mind Your Own Business. Once your world is self sustaining and healthy, then go out and find others who need your compassion, not your judgement. Make an effort to help people, don’t condemn them because you aren’t happy with yourself. If we could all do that, maybe our world wouldn’t be such a mess.
So, Congratulations to April on the birth of her beautiful baby!! And to everyone else, grow up, start thinking like adults and use your noggin to make the world a better place!
:)
I think that until you have lived with someone or experienced their world firsthand, you have no room to talk. You should worry about your own world and start fixing your own problems. In other words, Mind Your Own Business. Once your world is self sustaining and healthy, then go out and find others who need your compassion, not your judgement. Make an effort to help people, don’t condemn them because you aren’t happy with yourself. If we could all do that, maybe our world wouldn’t be such a mess.
So, Congratulations to April on the birth of her beautiful baby!! And to everyone else, grow up, start thinking like adults and use your noggin to make the world a better place!
:)
What to do next…
so he’s still not speaking to me. I got a quick “bye” this morning. Am I supposed to be upset? I’m not sure yet.
I’m fluxuating between slight feelings of hopelessness and being completely pissed off. Who am I pissed at? Me mostly. I let this get this far and it ticks me off that I didn’t have the guts to do something ages ago. But, it’s not ages ago anymore, it’s today. And today I am doing something about it. I just don’t know what. What do I do next? Do I ask him to go to counseling as I had planned last night? I am certain he won’t go, but do I ask out of obligation to a relationship that I promised to do my best in? And when are we no longer “obligated” to keep trying?
The part that now is my primary concern is the girls. They are clueless to the current goings-on. That is purely due to the fact that they have company over. Normally, they’d have picked up on this the minute bad vibes started shooting around the house. They are both incredibly perceptive which will make lying to them a very bad thing to do. I’ll have to talk to them later today, after their friend goes home. They at least need to know that they are not responsible for ANY of the bad feelings their dad and I are feeling. They are gonna need lots of extra hugs in the next few months I think. And I know how the dreaded talk that I will have with them, unfortunately. My son handled his father and I breaking up fairly well, only because we both acted like adults and cared more about our son than about our selves. That was 17 years ago and he is still speaking to me, daily, a few times a day (which is more than he spoke to me when he was still living at home LOL ). He’s not too messed up of an adult. Hey! He went and gave blood the other day! I am so proud!! Ok, I’ve veered off the subject a bit haven’t I? Sorry.
I guess if I’m thinking of all this, then I see no real hope for the future of the relationship. That is a very sad thing.
I have more thoughts but I also have three little girls running around, breakfast dishes to wash and a coffee to locate (I swear it grows legs and hides on me every chance it gets). I have to go get some stuff done.
:)
I’m fluxuating between slight feelings of hopelessness and being completely pissed off. Who am I pissed at? Me mostly. I let this get this far and it ticks me off that I didn’t have the guts to do something ages ago. But, it’s not ages ago anymore, it’s today. And today I am doing something about it. I just don’t know what. What do I do next? Do I ask him to go to counseling as I had planned last night? I am certain he won’t go, but do I ask out of obligation to a relationship that I promised to do my best in? And when are we no longer “obligated” to keep trying?
The part that now is my primary concern is the girls. They are clueless to the current goings-on. That is purely due to the fact that they have company over. Normally, they’d have picked up on this the minute bad vibes started shooting around the house. They are both incredibly perceptive which will make lying to them a very bad thing to do. I’ll have to talk to them later today, after their friend goes home. They at least need to know that they are not responsible for ANY of the bad feelings their dad and I are feeling. They are gonna need lots of extra hugs in the next few months I think. And I know how the dreaded talk that I will have with them, unfortunately. My son handled his father and I breaking up fairly well, only because we both acted like adults and cared more about our son than about our selves. That was 17 years ago and he is still speaking to me, daily, a few times a day (which is more than he spoke to me when he was still living at home LOL ). He’s not too messed up of an adult. Hey! He went and gave blood the other day! I am so proud!! Ok, I’ve veered off the subject a bit haven’t I? Sorry.
I guess if I’m thinking of all this, then I see no real hope for the future of the relationship. That is a very sad thing.
I have more thoughts but I also have three little girls running around, breakfast dishes to wash and a coffee to locate (I swear it grows legs and hides on me every chance it gets). I have to go get some stuff done.
:)
Tuesday, March 20, 2007
A new life…a new look
I think that most people do something drastic to declare their independence or to mark change in their world. They cut or color their hair in an entirely new way. They go nuts and paint the house something wonderfully “them”. They just step out of the normal path and do something that screams, ‘I’m me! I’m alive! I’ll survive!!”
I’m sure I’ll eventually get to all of the above, but for starters, I finally gave my blog a face it could be proud of. Or at least a face that is all it’s own. It’s unique. It’s not a cookie cutter template that I found for free somewhere. It’s all mine. And I made it. Yes, I MADE it. As in designed, fiddled with php and css for hours on end and then uploaded and confused at least 70 people while I touched up the final steps. I made it and I like it. It’s really a work in progress though, much like my life. I am missing something vital that I wanted to add, I just don’t know what that is exactly. I’m sure I’ll know when I find it.
Today marks a new life for me. Whether that life involves divorce we shall see, but I certainly set in motion a chain of events that will either break or fix this relationship post haste.
Without going into great detail, purely because I see no reason to relive that particular few hours of my life at this time, I will say that I finally reached my limit. I have had enormous amounts of frustrated rage festering in my soul for years. And today I just totally could not hold it in any longer. I see no reason why I should suffer and in turn make our children suffer (they get a mom with a short fuse and no sense of humor when they did nothing to deserve such things) and I won’t do it any longer. Of course, in true fashion, when I blew up…he walked out. And I felt such an enormous amount of relief. It was wonderful. And then he came back a few hours later. I have never been so disappointed.
I’ve come to terms with the fact that the person I married is dead and gone and never coming back. It really only hit me that this was true when he left and I was not one bit sorry to see him go. I even searched for some bit of emotion…anything but anger, that I have plenty of. But I have no feelings about our relationship left. Well, the anger but that isn’t exactly a healthy feeling. :-)
So, he left, he came back, he says he refuses to speak to me and then starts talking to me 5 minutes later…he’s sadly in need of therapy, only he refuses to get any outside help because he doesn’t want anyone knowing our business. Do you think he’d shit bricks if he knew about the blog?? LOL Well, with his attitude towards therapy, and the fact that we can’t have a conversation that is productive and doesn’t involve him throwing a temper tantrum…I’d say the whole thing is a lost cause. I think that at this point it’s insane to even keep the charade going.
I know that tomorrow morning he is going to try to act like it was just a bad night, or maybe he won’t be speaking to me still. He’s like that…you never know how he’s gonna try to keep his world status quo. But I do know that I can’t live like this any longer. If it means upsetting my kids and selling my house and moving in with my mom and starting my life over without the Sheriff knocking on my door once a week to serve me with papers for something related to something he did and would not let me have any input on….then I say “Bring it on! I’m up for an adventure.”
And now, since he’s barricaded himself in my bedroom and I have the girls and their friend sleeping in the family room…I guess I’ll go crash on the couch next to the girls and at least have someone who loves me next to me for the night. And I couldn’t ask for a better set of girls to love me. I am truly grateful for their being in my life, and I have never regretted marrying him simply because I have the most awesome kids on the planet and I’d never want it any other way.
I’m off to bed. Goodnight!!
:)
I’m sure I’ll eventually get to all of the above, but for starters, I finally gave my blog a face it could be proud of. Or at least a face that is all it’s own. It’s unique. It’s not a cookie cutter template that I found for free somewhere. It’s all mine. And I made it. Yes, I MADE it. As in designed, fiddled with php and css for hours on end and then uploaded and confused at least 70 people while I touched up the final steps. I made it and I like it. It’s really a work in progress though, much like my life. I am missing something vital that I wanted to add, I just don’t know what that is exactly. I’m sure I’ll know when I find it.
Today marks a new life for me. Whether that life involves divorce we shall see, but I certainly set in motion a chain of events that will either break or fix this relationship post haste.
Without going into great detail, purely because I see no reason to relive that particular few hours of my life at this time, I will say that I finally reached my limit. I have had enormous amounts of frustrated rage festering in my soul for years. And today I just totally could not hold it in any longer. I see no reason why I should suffer and in turn make our children suffer (they get a mom with a short fuse and no sense of humor when they did nothing to deserve such things) and I won’t do it any longer. Of course, in true fashion, when I blew up…he walked out. And I felt such an enormous amount of relief. It was wonderful. And then he came back a few hours later. I have never been so disappointed.
I’ve come to terms with the fact that the person I married is dead and gone and never coming back. It really only hit me that this was true when he left and I was not one bit sorry to see him go. I even searched for some bit of emotion…anything but anger, that I have plenty of. But I have no feelings about our relationship left. Well, the anger but that isn’t exactly a healthy feeling. :-)
So, he left, he came back, he says he refuses to speak to me and then starts talking to me 5 minutes later…he’s sadly in need of therapy, only he refuses to get any outside help because he doesn’t want anyone knowing our business. Do you think he’d shit bricks if he knew about the blog?? LOL Well, with his attitude towards therapy, and the fact that we can’t have a conversation that is productive and doesn’t involve him throwing a temper tantrum…I’d say the whole thing is a lost cause. I think that at this point it’s insane to even keep the charade going.
I know that tomorrow morning he is going to try to act like it was just a bad night, or maybe he won’t be speaking to me still. He’s like that…you never know how he’s gonna try to keep his world status quo. But I do know that I can’t live like this any longer. If it means upsetting my kids and selling my house and moving in with my mom and starting my life over without the Sheriff knocking on my door once a week to serve me with papers for something related to something he did and would not let me have any input on….then I say “Bring it on! I’m up for an adventure.”
And now, since he’s barricaded himself in my bedroom and I have the girls and their friend sleeping in the family room…I guess I’ll go crash on the couch next to the girls and at least have someone who loves me next to me for the night. And I couldn’t ask for a better set of girls to love me. I am truly grateful for their being in my life, and I have never regretted marrying him simply because I have the most awesome kids on the planet and I’d never want it any other way.
I’m off to bed. Goodnight!!
:)
Wednesday, March 07, 2007
Why do my allergies act up worse in the winter than in the summer?
I know that plant life doesn’t actually ever go dormant here, but for the love of Pete! they can stop blooming or sprouting or whatever it is that makes my allergies go nuts. Just for a little while. I really would expect a bit of a reprieve in the winter but I guess not.
The allergies totally kick my ass. I mean I’m pretty much useless. I drive the kids to classes and smile and nod…but don’t ask me to hook up a dvd recorder (which my friend unfortunately did yesterday during a particularly bad day - I’ll have to call and apologize for abandoning that project after 5 minutes).
I do have Claritan that mom bought and brought me last night. She had to buy it for me. Not because I couldn’t afford it, but because some moron decided when and how much I could buy at a time. This stupid law that says you can’t buy Claritan-D without ID and swearing on your firstborn that you are using it for you. AND them keeping track of it all in a computer database is just beyond ignorant. I mean, WTF is selling me enough pills to take for a month at a time going to do? Is it really that easy to make whatever drug it is that they make? AND why do the employees at the drug store tell me I can’t have any because I bought it too recently even when I haven’t? And when I complain no one seems to have a clue. I mean, I’m giving some employee at the drug store - not even a pharmacist, just a cashier in most cases - my ID (which they copy everything off of) and signature…who says they aren’t using this info to buy boxes of the crap for friends who are drug maker/pusher/users/whatevers? It’s not an incredibly foolproof system. It’s the stuff that total idiots who’ve never really dealt with reality come up with.
So, now that my evil bitch side is loose in the blog, I should really just drink my damned Red Bull and go clean up the kitchen so I can start school. I think she’s had enough soapbox time today. Oh! The kids are starting to clean up their dishes, so I guess I really do have to go.
Have a wonderful day…I might be back, I might not…I’ve seen my record for showing up every day so…I guarantee nothing! LOL
:)
The allergies totally kick my ass. I mean I’m pretty much useless. I drive the kids to classes and smile and nod…but don’t ask me to hook up a dvd recorder (which my friend unfortunately did yesterday during a particularly bad day - I’ll have to call and apologize for abandoning that project after 5 minutes).
I do have Claritan that mom bought and brought me last night. She had to buy it for me. Not because I couldn’t afford it, but because some moron decided when and how much I could buy at a time. This stupid law that says you can’t buy Claritan-D without ID and swearing on your firstborn that you are using it for you. AND them keeping track of it all in a computer database is just beyond ignorant. I mean, WTF is selling me enough pills to take for a month at a time going to do? Is it really that easy to make whatever drug it is that they make? AND why do the employees at the drug store tell me I can’t have any because I bought it too recently even when I haven’t? And when I complain no one seems to have a clue. I mean, I’m giving some employee at the drug store - not even a pharmacist, just a cashier in most cases - my ID (which they copy everything off of) and signature…who says they aren’t using this info to buy boxes of the crap for friends who are drug maker/pusher/users/whatevers? It’s not an incredibly foolproof system. It’s the stuff that total idiots who’ve never really dealt with reality come up with.
So, now that my evil bitch side is loose in the blog, I should really just drink my damned Red Bull and go clean up the kitchen so I can start school. I think she’s had enough soapbox time today. Oh! The kids are starting to clean up their dishes, so I guess I really do have to go.
Have a wonderful day…I might be back, I might not…I’ve seen my record for showing up every day so…I guarantee nothing! LOL
:)
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