sorry Solaris, I’m not gonna freak you out tonight.
As of today, either his will to survive has kicked in or he’s just manipulating me into thinking he’s attempting to make a change. I suggested that maybe he needs a new job since 1. they aren’t paying him nearly what was promised 2. the stress level is way beyond what was implied and 3. he’s miserable as hell. I think that when you try to go against what you were meant to do, you can NOT be happy and you can NOT succeed. (and he’s taken not succeeding to a whole new level recently.) Just like we can’t be happy in a relationship where we are not allowed to be ourselves, we can not do a job that deprives us of our natural character. He’s always done things that make him miserable. He grew up thinking you were supposed to be miserable. His parents reek of misery. They have money (their goal in life)…but all their kids are emotionally fucked up and no one likes them much. I’d rather have my loving family and my money problems, thanks. Well, I’m not so sure my husband likes me much right now, but I have 3 kids that do, 1 mom and 100 very close relatives that would be willing to give me the time of day…so I consider myself pretty well off.
Back to the job issue. I politely suggested (reality: I IM’d his ass with links and an attitude) that he check some sites my mom found with scuba diving jobs. I did also mention that if he did not make some sort of change in a positive direction that he’d be spending 16 hours a day being depressed and watching nothing but youtube videos from his parents house instead of his office here. Within an hour there was someone calling about a job interview. Obviously I hit some nerve.
Later that day, he had dragged out a box of sea treasures out to show the kids. We have things from the Atocha, the USS San Diego and a few other wrecks that he was explaining to the girls for quite a long time.
Please let this be the right path for him! When we met he was in pre-med classes at a fairly high level school in NJ and switched towards a degree in Marine Biology because that was what really interested him. He had also just bought his father’s restaurant so the college courses came to an abrupt halt shortly after that. But he loves this stuff. I can’t even count how many salt water tanks we have in our home. Really. They are everywhere. I even had plans made up to move our small galley kitchen and make the area it is in now into a fish tank. Sort of a huge room divider 1000 gallon fish tank. (Yes, I was serious about that.) We have created our own reefs, he propagates corals, we hatch shark eggs…our house is a living science class. HE LOVES THIS STUFF! I like it too. But I don’t want to do it for a living. Or at least I never considered it. I was going to school to become a veterinarian so, really, it’s not all that far off from my original plans for life. I had planned on fixing horses instead of sea horses though.
Speaking of careers, I’ve been getting comments lately that are making me stop and realize…(please don’t take this the wrong way)…I’m damned good at what I do. It’s people that are hiring me saying so. Then they send me uncomfortably large sums of money…uncomfortable for me since i still have the mindset that what I do is easy so I shouldn’t charge much for it. I’ve only just begun to change my mind about money…I think certain words like “foreclosure” and “repossession” help change your ideas about money real quick. LOL Anyway, I realized I’m good at what I do. I don’t ever dread working. I ‘could’ be earning enough money to pay all the bills if I’d quit trying to shortchange myself.
If hubby could be as happy at his work as I am at mine…I think we could accomplish so much more.
I could also be just fine living in a little bungalow in the Keys as long as I have high speed internet and access to horses within an hour drive or boat ride.
Ok, gotta get some stuff done. I just wanted to let you know I’ve not totally pulled the plug but was feeling some serious frustration the other day.
Talk to you all later!!
:)
Friday, September 28, 2007
Wednesday, September 26, 2007
I hate to say this
but even with the alcohol the shit here is going bad again. Did I really think things were going to be so great? I was very hopeful.
I’ve tried not to bitch too much, but I’m going to have to take action. After talking to my mom and best friend from when I was 10 for hours last night…I have realized that denial isn’t getting me anywhere.
I can bitch about all that hubby does wrong, but that won’t get me any closer to being happy.
I can make a plan and stick to it no matter what Captain Chaos tries to throw my way. That is the only option really. Oh, the thought of that makes me tired. But I am almost as tired of being tired as I am of listening to myself whine.
So, I say to everyone in my usual tactless way…it’s time for me to shit or get off the pot. If you want to hang around, you are more than welcome to. But don’t bitch at me when it starts to get unpleasant in here! LOL
The prospects of what my future holds scares me to the point of hives. I am literally breaking out in large welts all over my face as I type.
As of this moment, all I can do is work on my own and my girls futures…even if it means creating progress in a warzone. It has to be done for all of our sakes.
And I can’t keep typing to avoid life (as much as I’d like to). I’ll be back later.
I am now putting on my shiny suit of armor and mounting my magnificent steed…the battle with my own bad habits and lack of self worth is about to commence…consider yourselves warned!
:)
I’ve tried not to bitch too much, but I’m going to have to take action. After talking to my mom and best friend from when I was 10 for hours last night…I have realized that denial isn’t getting me anywhere.
I can bitch about all that hubby does wrong, but that won’t get me any closer to being happy.
I can make a plan and stick to it no matter what Captain Chaos tries to throw my way. That is the only option really. Oh, the thought of that makes me tired. But I am almost as tired of being tired as I am of listening to myself whine.
So, I say to everyone in my usual tactless way…it’s time for me to shit or get off the pot. If you want to hang around, you are more than welcome to. But don’t bitch at me when it starts to get unpleasant in here! LOL
The prospects of what my future holds scares me to the point of hives. I am literally breaking out in large welts all over my face as I type.
As of this moment, all I can do is work on my own and my girls futures…even if it means creating progress in a warzone. It has to be done for all of our sakes.
And I can’t keep typing to avoid life (as much as I’d like to). I’ll be back later.
I am now putting on my shiny suit of armor and mounting my magnificent steed…the battle with my own bad habits and lack of self worth is about to commence…consider yourselves warned!
:)
Tuesday, September 18, 2007
Search results
There seems to be quite a few people searching for Anthony Corder from Tora Tora out there. I was gonna try to help you out by directing you down the right path, but my own rock and roll sources seem to have given up on the net. Oh well. It happens. The only significant bit of information out there is on MySpace on the Tora Tora band page…and that’s not exactly up to date. I got all excited thinking I could watch the Walking Shoes or Amnesia videos…but…no such luck. They have links up but they are dead. You can hear Faith Healer and Dancing with a Gypsy though, so it’s not a completely wasted trip. And if you look in their friends list…L’Amour??? IN STATEN ISLAND?? When the HELL did that happen?? Damn. I am farther out of the loop than I realized.
And as for the other search strings in my stats…some are just plain disturbing. Maybe not so much that they were searching for these things but…HOW did my site come up in the search results?? I know the strangest crap happens in search engine land, but still…it’s just odd. And no I’m not going to list them all. I don’t want more people finding my site when they search for these things only to realize that I was bitching about people finding my site when they search for these things.
Not only would that be frustrating, it’d also be rude. I’m sure their needs are very real and important, I just don’t have anything to offer them here.
Ok, I’m about a pot of caffeine shy of being functional. Going to dance around the coffee maker while it slowly drips, drips, drips….
:)
And as for the other search strings in my stats…some are just plain disturbing. Maybe not so much that they were searching for these things but…HOW did my site come up in the search results?? I know the strangest crap happens in search engine land, but still…it’s just odd. And no I’m not going to list them all. I don’t want more people finding my site when they search for these things only to realize that I was bitching about people finding my site when they search for these things.
Not only would that be frustrating, it’d also be rude. I’m sure their needs are very real and important, I just don’t have anything to offer them here.Ok, I’m about a pot of caffeine shy of being functional. Going to dance around the coffee maker while it slowly drips, drips, drips….
:)
Tuesday, September 11, 2007
The noxious cloud hovering over my house
is the two bottles of perfume that the girls sprayed onto some paper (not sure why) and then tried to hide (yeah, right!).
The stench is hideous. We might have to eat out on the driveway. I just went to the kitchen to start cooking and had to leave because my eyes were watering.
They made me sit still for a makeover today. That was fun too. I had to slowly scrub bits off over a period of time so they’d not notice. I was absolutely frightening, but they thought it was beautiful and that is what counts.
Ok, off to figure out how to cook in a room I can’t breathe in. Talk to you all later!
:)
The stench is hideous. We might have to eat out on the driveway. I just went to the kitchen to start cooking and had to leave because my eyes were watering.
They made me sit still for a makeover today. That was fun too. I had to slowly scrub bits off over a period of time so they’d not notice. I was absolutely frightening, but they thought it was beautiful and that is what counts.
Ok, off to figure out how to cook in a room I can’t breathe in. Talk to you all later!
:)
Thinking too much
Mom told me I was thinking too much the other day. She might be right. Maybe. But I’m not guaranteeing it.
I have been on autopilot for too many years, so I can afford to over think things. Right? Besides, it seems my over thinking how I’m treated freaks out certain members of previous generations. It’s like my feeling as if I shouldn’t have to put up with being ignored (you KNOW what you did is written all over the few dirty looks I get) or with my life and my kids lives being scattered into chaos everytime someone else wants to be a drama queen (”he IS the husband you know…they get like that” is the comments that are given as excuses).
I am also officially on the shit list for voicing my opinion about my father-in-law the other day. Hubby’s mom had the nerve to say “He doesn’t mean to be mean and make “hubby” upset. It’s just the way he is.” To which I replied, “His way IS to be mean and make “hubby” upset.” I’m not sure she actually spoke to me after that. I was too busy getting the kids stuff together to get out of there. Hey, when you turn out three totally fucked up kids…OCD, SuperDramaQueen Syndrome, EverythingIsEveryoneElse’sFault Syndrome, and IMUSThavealcohol/drugsOrICan’tCope Syndrome then maybe, just MAYBE, your “ways” are really fucked up.
I really don’t give a shit how things were done in the old days, in the old country or in anything else old. If something does not work, it does not work. And shit was done the way it was done because no one knew better! Life is about learning and growing. We have one generation out there expecting people to do their jobs and be responsible as far as the neighbors can tell, but in private they expect to be able to take out their frustrations on their wives and children and abuse them physically and sexually, and expect them to not tell what happens at home. Those kids grew up to be even more emotionally detached from the world and needed drugs just to cope with the act of working and raising a family. And then their kids grew up to say “I care about you as much as my parents and society cared about me! Which is to say, “Fuck off! Leave me alone, I’ll take what I want and if you or I die in the process, then it’s not big deal cause we aren’t worth that much anyway.”
It’s not rocket science to see that each generation effects the next. We are products of the environment we grew up in. Who we are inside determines how we handle the information we receive. Some people grow up in an abusive atmoshere and totally shut down, take their blows and then grow up to repeat the cycle. Others take the blows and grow up to be so bitter and pissed off that no one came in to save them that they go out and randomly kill a bunch of people when the bitterness has warped their minds enough. And yet some other people take their blows while plotting a way out, escape, and learn from the experience. They make sure that their children are raised in a loving, open environment.
I can see in hubby and his brother and sister, how each coped with an abusive environment and how it shaped them into who they are now.
I can see how my brother and I coped with our abusive environment and how each of us turned out.
All five people are so completely and incredibly different…and yet, if each one was to learn a bit about coping with stressful situations and were to put some effort into learning how to undo the crap the lies they were taught, they’d be much much happier people. It wouldn’t take much effort…just a desire to be a better healthier person.
I include myself in there. I think I’ve come a long way in learning that my dad was NOT right and that I’m way more capable than he implied. BUT I still have that trigger in my head that pulls me back and feeds me doubt when I go into situations…sort of like Pavlov’s dogs…I’m all gung-ho til I hit the bell…and then I doubt myself and my talent and I have to work hard to kick that nay-sayers ass…I can do it, but I need to keep looking for a better way to do it. There has to be something that I’ve not found yet that would completely eliminate it.
I’m working hard on making a change, and there is no “trying” really…I have no choice in the matter. I have two little girls that will some day grow up and be in a relationship…and it’s my job to teach them the difference between a healthy relationship and a sick one. And it’s my job to teach them how to tell the difference and that they have the right to leave it if it’s unhealthy. I hope they are learning during our own trials over here, I’m sure they see most of what is going on. I don’t hide my emotions, I think it’s perfectly ok for people to feel what they feel. All that hiding stuff…it’s a recipe for disaster. It teaches kids to hide other things and that is just too scary to consider.
I have been on autopilot for too many years, so I can afford to over think things. Right? Besides, it seems my over thinking how I’m treated freaks out certain members of previous generations. It’s like my feeling as if I shouldn’t have to put up with being ignored (you KNOW what you did is written all over the few dirty looks I get) or with my life and my kids lives being scattered into chaos everytime someone else wants to be a drama queen (”he IS the husband you know…they get like that” is the comments that are given as excuses).
I am also officially on the shit list for voicing my opinion about my father-in-law the other day. Hubby’s mom had the nerve to say “He doesn’t mean to be mean and make “hubby” upset. It’s just the way he is.” To which I replied, “His way IS to be mean and make “hubby” upset.” I’m not sure she actually spoke to me after that. I was too busy getting the kids stuff together to get out of there. Hey, when you turn out three totally fucked up kids…OCD, SuperDramaQueen Syndrome, EverythingIsEveryoneElse’sFault Syndrome, and IMUSThavealcohol/drugsOrICan’tCope Syndrome then maybe, just MAYBE, your “ways” are really fucked up.
I really don’t give a shit how things were done in the old days, in the old country or in anything else old. If something does not work, it does not work. And shit was done the way it was done because no one knew better! Life is about learning and growing. We have one generation out there expecting people to do their jobs and be responsible as far as the neighbors can tell, but in private they expect to be able to take out their frustrations on their wives and children and abuse them physically and sexually, and expect them to not tell what happens at home. Those kids grew up to be even more emotionally detached from the world and needed drugs just to cope with the act of working and raising a family. And then their kids grew up to say “I care about you as much as my parents and society cared about me! Which is to say, “Fuck off! Leave me alone, I’ll take what I want and if you or I die in the process, then it’s not big deal cause we aren’t worth that much anyway.”
It’s not rocket science to see that each generation effects the next. We are products of the environment we grew up in. Who we are inside determines how we handle the information we receive. Some people grow up in an abusive atmoshere and totally shut down, take their blows and then grow up to repeat the cycle. Others take the blows and grow up to be so bitter and pissed off that no one came in to save them that they go out and randomly kill a bunch of people when the bitterness has warped their minds enough. And yet some other people take their blows while plotting a way out, escape, and learn from the experience. They make sure that their children are raised in a loving, open environment.
I can see in hubby and his brother and sister, how each coped with an abusive environment and how it shaped them into who they are now.
I can see how my brother and I coped with our abusive environment and how each of us turned out.
All five people are so completely and incredibly different…and yet, if each one was to learn a bit about coping with stressful situations and were to put some effort into learning how to undo the crap the lies they were taught, they’d be much much happier people. It wouldn’t take much effort…just a desire to be a better healthier person.
I include myself in there. I think I’ve come a long way in learning that my dad was NOT right and that I’m way more capable than he implied. BUT I still have that trigger in my head that pulls me back and feeds me doubt when I go into situations…sort of like Pavlov’s dogs…I’m all gung-ho til I hit the bell…and then I doubt myself and my talent and I have to work hard to kick that nay-sayers ass…I can do it, but I need to keep looking for a better way to do it. There has to be something that I’ve not found yet that would completely eliminate it.
I’m working hard on making a change, and there is no “trying” really…I have no choice in the matter. I have two little girls that will some day grow up and be in a relationship…and it’s my job to teach them the difference between a healthy relationship and a sick one. And it’s my job to teach them how to tell the difference and that they have the right to leave it if it’s unhealthy. I hope they are learning during our own trials over here, I’m sure they see most of what is going on. I don’t hide my emotions, I think it’s perfectly ok for people to feel what they feel. All that hiding stuff…it’s a recipe for disaster. It teaches kids to hide other things and that is just too scary to consider.
Sunday, September 09, 2007
You get what you expect out of life
Or at least I think that is right.
It’s very hard to trust someone when you aren’t sure which “personality” you are going to get. It’s very hard to be married to someone like that. I want to believe that I could be positive and expect great things and that all would be fine and my world would just be wonderful. I really do. I just can’t seem to convince myself to feel that with my whole heart any more.
I’m not sure if I don’t feel that way because events are starting to shift or if events are starting to shift because I feel that way. I made a comment a while back that maybe his drinking wasn’t the problem really. Maybe the problem was my expectations of what would occur when he drank. Then that little voice in my head that can’t be shut up calls me a stupid asshole for thinking something so incredibly ignorant.
I will acknowledge that he has made great progress in the way of self discovery and in motivating himself. That I can not deny. But just because he’s made progress, does that mean that I should put up with being treated like I’m either offensive or only here to cater to his needs. I don’t think so. I’m afraid the only feelings I have for him any more are resentment and pity. I do not respect him, he’s entirely to manipulative for that. I don’t like him, he’s only concerned for his own feelings and who wants to spend time with someone like that?
Could these feelings be temporary? Is this some sort of stage you go through? Total hell > Progress > Set back towards hell again > progress > set back > progress > finally reaching the goal! Or is it just the way it’s going to be forever? I can’t remain in a relationship with someone who I don’t respect and who doesn’t respect me, who I don’t like being around, who pushes my buttons just to get me upset (and enjoys it, it seems), and who is just so negative so often that the future can only be a dismal existence with much bickering or totally living on other ends of the house (like his parents do).
I don’t want this to be over but I do. I also don’t want to change someone else. But this is not the person I married. I feel like I got my luggage mixed on a trip…I left with the bright happy adventurous set of Samsonite luggage that could never be harmed, and I came back to find all my belongings in the Wal-Mart duffle bags that are being held together by duct tape.
I’m not sure what to do. I’m very confused over if I should face the facts and just end it. It’s a horrible example for my kids to see us this way.
Ok, I had to get that out before I just burst into tears. I have to work so there is no time for that. Thanks for listening.
:)
It’s very hard to trust someone when you aren’t sure which “personality” you are going to get. It’s very hard to be married to someone like that. I want to believe that I could be positive and expect great things and that all would be fine and my world would just be wonderful. I really do. I just can’t seem to convince myself to feel that with my whole heart any more.
I’m not sure if I don’t feel that way because events are starting to shift or if events are starting to shift because I feel that way. I made a comment a while back that maybe his drinking wasn’t the problem really. Maybe the problem was my expectations of what would occur when he drank. Then that little voice in my head that can’t be shut up calls me a stupid asshole for thinking something so incredibly ignorant.
I will acknowledge that he has made great progress in the way of self discovery and in motivating himself. That I can not deny. But just because he’s made progress, does that mean that I should put up with being treated like I’m either offensive or only here to cater to his needs. I don’t think so. I’m afraid the only feelings I have for him any more are resentment and pity. I do not respect him, he’s entirely to manipulative for that. I don’t like him, he’s only concerned for his own feelings and who wants to spend time with someone like that?
Could these feelings be temporary? Is this some sort of stage you go through? Total hell > Progress > Set back towards hell again > progress > set back > progress > finally reaching the goal! Or is it just the way it’s going to be forever? I can’t remain in a relationship with someone who I don’t respect and who doesn’t respect me, who I don’t like being around, who pushes my buttons just to get me upset (and enjoys it, it seems), and who is just so negative so often that the future can only be a dismal existence with much bickering or totally living on other ends of the house (like his parents do).
I don’t want this to be over but I do. I also don’t want to change someone else. But this is not the person I married. I feel like I got my luggage mixed on a trip…I left with the bright happy adventurous set of Samsonite luggage that could never be harmed, and I came back to find all my belongings in the Wal-Mart duffle bags that are being held together by duct tape.
I’m not sure what to do. I’m very confused over if I should face the facts and just end it. It’s a horrible example for my kids to see us this way.
Ok, I had to get that out before I just burst into tears. I have to work so there is no time for that. Thanks for listening.
:)
Sunday, September 02, 2007
I think I’m allergic to Florida
My head is leaking.
My eyes are swollen.
I just sneezed so hard and long that my chair rolled across the office.
What did I do today? Clean the attic? Scrub moldy pipes? Any activity that normally induces such reactions?
NO……
I just went to the beach.
Yes, the beach. I spent about 6 hours sitting in the surf on some sand in the Gulf of Mexico.
AND! I have been taking my Claritan!! I hate to imagine what I’d be like without it.
Ok, I’m useless and whiney and just need to hide someplace dark so my eyes will stop hurting.
Later taters!
:D
My eyes are swollen.
I just sneezed so hard and long that my chair rolled across the office.
What did I do today? Clean the attic? Scrub moldy pipes? Any activity that normally induces such reactions?
NO……
I just went to the beach.
Yes, the beach. I spent about 6 hours sitting in the surf on some sand in the Gulf of Mexico.
AND! I have been taking my Claritan!! I hate to imagine what I’d be like without it.
Ok, I’m useless and whiney and just need to hide someplace dark so my eyes will stop hurting.
Later taters!
:D
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