Visiting my kids and second thoughts

No matter how right I know what I'm doing is, it doesn't make it easy. It kills me to send my kids back to their dad's house, crying and freaking out. Having no support is really hard too. If I could feel like anyone knew what this felt like, maybe I wouldn't doubting myself so often.

I need an interpreter

A few weeks ago Tom asked me to send him a bill for the design work I had done on his websites and the art for his business cards and brochures...so I did.  I also included his website hosting bill.  He never responded.  I was too busy to go chase him so I just waited.  Then the deadline for paying the hosting came and went and I did what he would have done himself.  I suspended the service.  I pay for his bandwidth, and I can't afford to pay so he can earn money and not pay his bills.  Yes, I know I'm sounding like him now.  I'm sure that was his reasoning when he called and cancelled my car insurance.  Yes, I could have called him and asked if he was going to pay it and when and then maybe given him a little more time to pay it, but I also have deadlines, so he would only get a few days.  Of course, he could have called me and said can you get your car insurance all set up before the date this one renews so I can take my bank account off the insurance autopay?  That would have been lovely.  It would also have saved me a lot of money and hassle. But that's never been his way of doing things.  He's a control freak, he is always right and he always does things his way.  So I decided to play things his way.  His deadline came, and ok...I waited another 2 weeks almost (I'm always optimistic that people will see the right way to do things and change their ways), after 2 weeks with no payment, I turned off his email and websites.  He asked what it would take to get them back on.  I told him $60, just like the invoice I sent said. 

So...does he send me $60 to cover his bill?  Does he ask if I can wait another week?  Does he try to even be reasonable?  Nope!  He simply tells me he's turning off my cell phone.

See?  He doesn't pay his bill, I do what he would have done, what any business would have done, and he finds another way to make it not his fault and he'll punish me for having the nerve to do business in a normal manner. 

He's a vindictive horrible person. 

And it gets better.

Me, being the moron I am, talk to him and turn his sites back on (without being paid yet) because it's going to hurt his business, blah blah...whatever.  Anyway, I turn them back on.  Then we discuss the invoice I sent weeks ago (that he still says he never got and that I have since sent a new copy to the new email  he set up).  He went through the list and told me to send a new invoice with just a few hand picked items on there.  He also asked exactly when the hosting had to be paid.  Originally it was 11-1-11, but I covered that for him, now I told him 11-17-11, but if he was having a hard time paying that 11-25-11 was the final date to pay before it would all get shut off.  He was fine on the phone.   Oh, and I also let him know that I had updated my change of address and was now getting the electric bill and verizon bill, since they were still in my name.  I explained that all I did was change my address to get my own mail, not try to get his bills, but that I'd be happy to send information as it came in.  He was definitely a little weird about that...but what difference is it if I get my mail?  Unless he's doing stuff in my name?  Hmmmmmmm...

Anyway, he immediately called his lawyer regarding the bills (don't ask how I know, I have my sources) and then when I sent a follow up to the invoice for the hosting and other stuff, he sent back an email saying he didn't respond to extortion.  WTF???  Why would he talk on the phone with me, work out what he could afford, have me send an invoice for just those items, and then tell me it's extortion?? He's freaking nuts!!! 

I have learned a little bit during this last week.  I send copies of everything I send him to his lawyer.  I also include Tom's responses.  Let his lawyer see how insane he really is...

Emotional and financial abuse

I've been following a Facebook page that discusses emotional and financial abuse. I really never thought of things like eliminating my access to the bank account or making our financial problems my fault after keeping me from working were considered abuse. But it does make sense. It's a way of control. It's a way to make you feel like you have no way of making a change or making a difference in what is happening to you.

I made the move to California to get away from his control.  My mom is pissed at me because she said I didn't listen to her and do it the right way.  First of all, she never told me much more than just be careful.  What does that mean?  I was freaking DYING!  Tom had sucked every ounce of my will to exist out of my soul.  If it weren't for my kids I'd have just gone to bed one day and never woken up.  My soul was that empty.  I was in so much pain and then sometime in the last few years I just became numb.  Circumstances brought me to where I met the people I know in California and I swear it was by divine intervention that I was led here. 

I have faith that I'm on the right path and I have faith that this will work out for the girls.  The girls are my motivation for all I do.  They are my soul.  They kept me alive and made life worth waking up for each day, even with his extreme negativity and the threat of violent outburst at anything I did throughout the day.  They are my angels. 

It really hurts that my mother and ex-friends all believe that I would abandon my kids to come to California.  They think I left them for a man.  How can someone who says they are my friend and especially MY MOTHER, who should know me better, tell people that?  How can they spread that lie that only is true in their mind, because it's not at all what happened? Those girls are my life, and no one comes before them.  I came to California to build a different life for them where they can be free to be themselves, where no one else will make them feel guilty because of their feelings.  Yes, I was stupid to believe that Tom would every hold up his end of the bargain...he hasn't told the truth or held up his end of an agreement since I met him so I can't even tell you why I believed that he would let the girls come out as soon as I got myself settled here.  I just wanted to believe that he could be decent.  I wanted to believe so bad that life was going to get bettter.  I wanted to believe that he cared enough about the girls to not keep them away from me.  He never wanted anything to do with us when I was there, before I left him.  Then he only wanted to call from around the corner and show up whenever he wanted to.  HE USED TO FREAKING CRAWL IN THE WINDOW OF OUR HOUSE WHEN THE GIRLS AND I WERE SLEEPING!!!!!  Can you say "STALKER???"  He's scary and his way of rationalizing things is warped beyond a level of being able to deal with him. 

This past week he threatened to turn off my phone because I shut off his websites for not paying his hosting bill.  The judge said he needed to pay my cell phone, he didn't say I had to support Tom's insurance business websites.  I sent him invoices that he conveniently says he didn't receive.  That's not my problem, just like him decreasing my insurance coverage and then cancelling it wasn't his problem. 

I think the worst part of this, after the fact that I'm not with my girls, is that he and my mother and everyone in their little circle is convinced they are right and I'm wrong.  They think I'm wrong for trying to get my kids away from an abusive person and at least let them live part of the year in an emotionally safe environment, where they can learn to distinguish between healthy and non-healthy relationship.  So...then they support the abuse and want it to continue.  That's just sick.

Seeing my mother like this has brought back some memories as a kid...memories that are filling in blanks.  My mom has always told me how my dad made our house unbearable...but he was never really there.  She was.  So if she was the one there, then she made the house unbearable.  Right?  And if my dad was so bad, then she was the one who should have fixed the problem.  She should have gotten us out of there.  So she made my life hell when I was a kid and now she's helping to make my kids lives hell.

On the almost bright side, I've started to develop a relationship with my dad, so I guess I'm not a total orphan...although at this point, I'm so numb when it comes to these people who were supposed to love you and protect you and do anything for you...I just don't think I care much any more.

I get to go the Ball!!!

I'm getting ready to head to Lake Tahoe for the Marine Corps Ball on Saturday!!!

I'm so excited!!!!

The use of terms that are incorrect

Superdad (aka my soon to be ex) just freaked out and send an email full of hate (in all caps even!! wow! I feel special!) about how I abandoned my kids.

I believe abandonment requires no contact, doesn't it? Abandonment in his world really means: "your kids are 3000 miles from you because when you tried to go somewhere I wouldn't stalk you anymore I lied and said the kids could come too (for 50% of the time) and then got a lawyer and prevented them from coming at all"

I think I need a dictionary from his planet...