MERRY CHRISTMAS!

I hope every one of you has a wonderful Christmas!!  

I just finished wrapping gifts, and now I’m going to get horizontal for a few hours.  See you after the festivities are over!

:)

Unstable men

I know that my friends and my mom worry about me and the girls here, and lately I’m starting to wonder just HOW unstable the ole hubby really is.  Nothing has happened here, but there has been a new reason for me to take yet another look at the possibilities.

This morning we woke up and I drank my coffee while he read some news article that he was browsing through.  It seems a man in the area killed his ex wife, their two children and the ex wife’s live in girlfriend/lover.  I think hubby’s comments were mostly aimed at the concept that some guy went nuts after his wife left him for a woman.  That was the end of it.  I was immediately aware that this was a good opportunity to bring up how absolutely sad that was that some person thought they had the right to take another persons life, and no matter what she had done, it did not warrant a death sentence for her, her kids and the lover (who had a 4 yr old as well, btw). Just so he knew my point on the matter in case he was considering such a thing.    That was the end of discussing it.  Or so I thought.

A few hours after he left for work, my friend calls me.  She’s in shock. She’s freaked.  She’s whispering.  I’m like, “What happened????”

Her, “Did you read the paper today?”

Me, “No”

Her, “Oh my God!! I’m in shock, I can’t believe it!  I opened it up and the front page says 5 Die in Family Murder/Suicide” and I see the names and Oh my God!! I know them!  WE know them!  etc, etc….”

Turns out we do know them. She better than I, but we do.  After a conversation shortened by children barging in (children who knew them too and who seemed to have radar and knew we didn’t want them within earshot to even hear the slightest bit of this), she gets upset and tells me that she’s worried my hubby is going to do the same.

Now, I have already admitted this is not a foreign idea…and that I’m fairy sure he’s not entirely emotionally stable…but how do you determine whether someone is “murder/suicide unstable” or just “I’m so stressed I’ll revert to being like my chauvinistic drunken asshole father and make up conversations we never even had unstable”?? And is there much difference?  AND if I get paranoid and leave will it make him going from not dangerous unstable to dangerous unstable?

I have to say my gut says I should be very cautious but I don’t feel him doing anything like that.  I think cautious here is more about me getting my ducks in a row before I spring anything like divorce papers on him cause that is going to make him just a little more unstable.  But I see him downing a few bottles of scotch, spending the rest of his life bitching about what a miserable horrid bitch I am to his parents or anyone who will listen.

And, going back to the guy who did kill his kids and ex wife…HE was SO not someone you’d ever think was capable of that.  Oh my God!! He LOVED, no..he ADORED, WORSHIPPED his kids.  He was so happy, loving, open minded, it’s just fucking a shock to believe that this man did this.  You never would have known!  I guess he snapped after the whole divorce and his wife leaving for a woman, but…if he can snap, then anyone in the world could!

How do you know?

Being pissed isn’t helping my productivity

So I’ve decided to drop the emotions involved with mom’s problem with the bank and get on with my work.  I’ve become WAY overbooked today and must finish some jobs today.  I won’t be getting anywhere dragging all that around.  Have you ever noticed how heavy that crap (being mad and indignant) is?  It’s exhausting to carry around all day.

OK, I’m off to have coffee, do some planning for the day and give myself a general attitude adjustment.
See you all later on!

Have a great day,

:)

I wish I could record the thoughts in my head…

…straight to my computer.  I have these amazing, blog entry worthy thoughts but…always when I can’t write them down.  I start thinking in the shower or while driving and I clearly see why I do things.  I find the process fascinating, it’s like a series of locks, clicking to an unlocked position and each one that I go through grants me a little more clarity.

Then I get distracted and the thought it lost forever.

An example that I just remembered:  I’m driving to a party for my kids last night and I’m thinking about my “I want to be like Dolly post”.  And I’m like, “Ok, it would be great to be like Dolly but I can’t ACT like Dolly.  That’s just nuts.  How can I actually ACT like her??”  I’m not talking about talking like her or anything, I’m talking about being that outgoing and happy and just loving life so much that I make people around me enjoy life just by being in my presence.  Making people feel important and good without being a servant to them.  My mom mentioned a quote about “Dance to the song of life and people will dance with you”, that reminds me of the feeling I’m searching for.

And my “other” voice, defiant as usual…”WHY can’t I act like that??  Who the hell is in charge of this life, if not me?  And so what if the miserable bastards I’m around now think I’m nuts?  Their opinions don’t mean squat!  I don’t want to be bowing to the opinion of a miserable bastard! That’s more nuts than letting myself be someone people enjoy being around!”

Ok, so I have in-depth discussions with myself.  But for so many years…there was no other voice in my head.  There was no instinct to survive.  I was a numb lump of shit.  So if I chatting with my “other” voice in my head is what it takes to build up the nerve to be all I can be…well, I guess I’m just gonna have to do it.

I don’t want to be scared to live anymore.  I don’t want to be scared of who I really am.  I’m deathly afraid of letting myself be me.  I could get into a whole explanation right now but I have to go get some work done.  I will say that breaking the spirit of a child by scaring them into being quiet, just so that an adult can do whatever it is adults have to do…and putting them down because the adult can’t understand their need to be outgoing…can do some serious damage.  Serious.  It can cause kids to think they aren’t worth as much as that TV show you want to watch or that book you want to read.  It can also create adults who think they aren’t worth as much as everyone else.  Adults who think the world would be better off without them.  Adults who continue the cycle of abuse (yes, scaring someone into doing what you want is abusive) with their own kids because they don’t realize they are even doing it.

I’m not going to be scared to live anymore, dammit!! Even if I use my kids as an excuse why I need to change…it’s a start.   I want my kids to enjoy being them.  I never want my children to be convinced that if they were gone, the world would run a little smoother.  That one thought is enough to get me motivated I think.

Ok, going to work now…see you all later!!

:)

really quick update

ok, I have 3.5 minutes so let’s get you up to speed:

• hubby and I had a very positive chat a week or more ago (who can tell, time seems to fold over itself here)
• hubby relapsed within days and had to be told off, I mean, chatted with again.
• power was turned off in house had to go to moms (they actually get all bent out of shape when you don’t pay the bill!!)
• hubby relapsed again
• spent 3 days at moms with crabby hubby and crazy brother
• got money, paid light bill
• found out internet was being turned off
• got money, paid internet bill
• hubby relapses again and has to be told this isn’t worth it and I’m so over the bullshit that I just don’t even want to waste my energy on the relationship anymore
• ten minutes later hubby is talking to me like nothing happened and wants to know if we can be friends again.  I’m not sure I responded to that but he seems to think we are friends again.

This is a basic rundown of events but you get the idea…shit here is not fun, I’m worn out…and yet I’m still optimistic.  I refuse to give up.  I just keep going down the wrong paths apparently
I do wish I could find the right path.

I’ll just have to keep looking.

:)