Dealing with the bumps in the road

Sometimes we get tired. Sometimes we get our period. Whatever the reason, there are times when we just don’t have the energy to be optimistic and positive. I’m not saying that I’m depressed or pessimistic about things. I’m just sort of in between today. I did do some things that make me feel good now that I’m reviewing my day. I had a few moments where I reverted back a few steps when hubby started drinking for day #5 in a row. But, I regained my composure, and I will address the issue tomorrow when I am sure there is someone inside to hear my concerns.

So, I woke up abruptly this morning because I was having an incredibly vivid dream that was so real I had to jump out of bed and run around checking on my kids and house. I was dreaming that someone was stealing my computers and van while the girls and I were in the house alone, and it was just so incredibly real. Door wide open, my monitors gone and packed in the back of my van…and i went outside in my robe (had to grab phone and I even hit 911 on my way outside to see what was going on) and there is this guy putting stuff in my van…my stuff, my neighbors stuff, all sorts of neighbors, he’s walking in and out of houses like he’s at WalMart…and then i woke up. I jumped out of bed, checked the girls, the front door, my office…I was so out of sorts that I really couldn’t function properly for hours. No amount of coffee or Red Bull helped. It was very weird. Especially since I rarely even remember dreaming. Perhaps it’s all that repressed emotional crap I have been bottling up since I was about 4 years old? LOL You let it out for a moment and it starts to take over your life! Even when you are sleeping! BAh! LOL (yes my humor is odd, and even more so when I’m very tired).

Alright. So. I had a bad moment or two today. No one died, life goes on, I’ll resume working on my goals and not dwell on things that do me no good. I know I can’t change other people, only myself. And I can change how i deal with my husbands weaknesses. Obviously the ways I’ve tried to convey my displeasure have not worked, so it’s nuts to keep repeating them.

Before I go…Congrats to Meg for getting to come home! I know that is so much nicer than being in the hospital where there is constant activity. I’ll be asking the universe to keep an eye on you, just so you are safe. You mean lots to us!!

Now, i am going to pass out before i end up with a keyboard stuck to my forehead. Have a wonderful day!!

:)

Changing perspective

I spent the day with my in-laws.  Normally that statement would have my business partner expecting me to ask for bail money in my next breathe.  But…we are turning over a new leaf, aren’t we?  I am being myself, remember.  I am being someone who I won’t be ashamed of when I think of my day and what I did.  I am changing the way I view a lot of things.

My mom says (very often) that in order to believe in something, you have to believe in everything possible for it to be real.  I might not be saying it right, I’m very tired.  Sorry. Anyway, I can’t believe that we are all products of the same creator and that we all are essentially perfect creations (behaviorally flawed as some of us may be)…and exclude the people I am related to that I have been unhappy to be around in the past.  It’s either all or none.

Now, I can’t be all fakey-fakey-nicey-nicey to these people just to pretend that I’m being someone I want to be.  I really don’t think that many people could just go out and forgive everyone of every bad thing they’ve done and be part of one big happy world where people sing in the street together like a 1970’s Coke commercial.  You know…as corny as that might seem…it sure as hell beats the world we live in today.  But that is getting off the point.

While I have trouble forgiving my in-laws for treating me like I’ve been an undesirable growth in their son’s home…I can consider that they are my brothers and sisters, in a “we were all created by the same creator” sense, and that while I may not like the things they do much, to think that they are less than or greater than myself is an insult to the force that created us.  It implies that it didn’t do such a good job, that one or the other is less than, that it messed up.

So..if I am going to change how I look at the world, then I need to change how I think about ALL of the world.

In-laws included.

I have noticed since I started thinking of things in a different way, people are very much easier to get along with.  I also feel connections with people I’ve never felt.  I think that might be due to certain parts of my emotions coming back to participate in life after having been locked up for most of my life.  I actually CARE about things.  I adore my daughters and want to stop everything that I’m doing to listen to them tell me one of their wild tales (don’t know where they get that from!! LOL) or to listen to one of them tell me how they did their balance beam or bars routine in gymnastics on the days my mom takes them.  I used to tell them, “One minute, just give mommy one minute and I’ll be there”.  Well, one minute never was…it was always 20, 45, never.  I have one child who doesn’t expect me to do things for him because I’m too busy, don’t have the money, etc…and he’s left home.  It’s too late to change him, he’s going to have to learn on his own (I can offer my enlightened view of things as I learn them, but what 19 year old boy ever actually LISTENED to his parent about life lessons??).  But it’s not to late to teach my 6 and 8 year old how to be a person that they can be proud of at the end of their lives.  That is my goal, I think.  I want to walk into the sunset at the end of my time here…and look back and see all the people I’ve touched in a positive way.  I want to know that my time here was used to it’s fullest potential.  I want my children to be proud of their mother.  I want my children to be proud of themselves when they reach the end of their path too.  And children learn by example, so I guess I better get my butt in a higher gear…because I have time to make up for.

Actually, maybe I’ll shift gears tomorrow…because I think I’ve reached official Red Bull Crash.  I must get some sleep.

Thanks for listening…I’ll see you happy campers tomorrow.  Goodnight!

:)

Oh, and I’ve been thinking about Meg a lot today.  I’ve been asking if the Great Spirit can just help her get back to her life quickly because she does touch a lot of people, and we all miss her a lot.

Putting others first

Some days I seem to be so absorbed with my own problems, that I forget that I really care about other people. I’m not sure how I forget. Maybe I lock all those feelings of sadness and longing for the time to be with them away so I won’t be distracted while I sit here for hours and hours a day “working to make things better”? I’m not sure what I do with my emotions. Honestly, up until very recently, I think I might have loaned them out to someone, like a book you forgot who you gave it to, and they somehow just found their way home.

I recently decided it was time to get my priorities straight. Yeah, ok, so lots of people do it. Yes, they do, and I hope they are as successful as I seem to be at it. This time. I’m not saying I’ve not tried this before, but this time…I hope I’ve done it right.

I got a bug up my ass about being so unfocused and scattered so I drove over to where I always go when I have something I want to learn/fix/explore/decide. I went to Barnes & Noble. I am a book junkie. And our libraries suck (oh, do I ever miss the NY Public Library). So, I went into Barnes & Noble with the express intent of figuring out what exactly my next direction would be. I wasn’t leaving til I found it.

Normally I go one of two directions…straight to the kids section or straight to the magazines. This time I walked straight in, stopped in the center and just waited for inspiration. Well, by a serious of events and ideas, I ended up in the Native American section. Ok. Let’s start with who I am. That is always a good place to begin. Who am I?

I sifted through quite a few books (most were really negative….note to brothers and sisters: Please try to focus on what good can be created today and not on the injustices that have been done to you in the past. This is the only way to grow.) I came across a few that were of interest, and being limited financially, I made my decision and took one book.

The book I chose was “The Wind Is My Mother” by Bear Heart. It’s part biography and gives ideas on how to live in balance. I realized it was the perfect choice when I got in to reading it. I actually just finished it two days ago but I think I want to read it again because I’m not sure I wasn’t rushing or falling asleep a few times (my reading time is normally very late at night). For the most part though, I think I got what I was looking for and more.

So as I’m reading Bear Heart’s stories and lessons, I’m thinking of how self absorbed I am all the time. I could be closer to my family, especially my kids and husband. I could be doing something to help other people out some way. I could teach my children how to be a good member of society by being one myself. I need to find things that touch my heart and share them with others. I could make a difference!

So, I am not sure what I will do. I will start by acknowledging things that I’ve missed and see where it takes me. I know that every day I will be thankful to our Grandmother Earth for the resources that she provides to us. I will also be thankful to the Great Spirit for the life force that flows through me. I am grateful for my wonderful kids and I am grateful to a husband that is trying very very hard to be all he can be. I am grateful for my skills and love of art, and for the fact that there are horses sharing our planet with us. I would like to combine those and help children who do not have the means to do so, learn art or learn to care for horses and ride. Maybe a camp of some sort? I would really love to be able to care for horses that are no longer wanted or no longer able to be cared for. For the latter cases, I’d want their owners to continue caring for the horse at my expense…and sharing something with the kids that come to camp. We can all contribute something to make a better life, even if we have no money, we have something…everyone has something inside them that makes them a special part of our society. I think that sometimes people get so absorbed by paying bills and trying to keep up with the rat race, that they hide that special gift…and they just need someone to remind them that it’s there, waiting for them to bring it back out so they can share it with the world.