Perspective

Every once in a while the filter that I view things through will drop off and things will just look different.  It happens more and more now that I'm not afraid of him.  Remove some of the hatred I was feeling towards him and even more of the filter slips away.

I still flip-flop on a daily basis, but knowing that somewhere inside of me is peace and confidence...that makes me feel hopeful.  Knowing that I am not the person he convinced me I was makes me feel joy and optimistic towards the future.  

Now I hope I can convey those traits, the optimism, joy and hope, to my daughters.  I know now that I could never have been the person they needed me to be if I had not gone to California.  My plans did not work out how I had intended, but who says they didn't go the way they needed to go?  I have faith that things happen for a reason. 

I am not a victim, so why do I sound like one?

I have to say right up front...nothing happened to me that I didn't allow.  It's easy to say I didn't see it coming, I didn't see the signs.  But really, it was easier to pretend it wasn't happening. 

I am absolutely guilty of allowing myself to be abused and then to letting myself believe that my abuser was actually going to be cooperative and allow me and our daughters to live a life that didn't involve chaos and drunken rages. 

Now I have to endure my ex's harassment, listen to him curse and terrify my children (while I'm on the phone with them), and rely upon a mother that helped my ex renig on his agreement to let my kids come with me when I moved and she worked to keep my kids here so that they would still be near her.  And that is also my own fault.  I allowed this to happen by not making it stop.

Why do I feel compelled to share all of this with you?  Because I know that someone out there is in the same position I was a year or two ago.  I know someone out there is suffocating and so stressed out that they are having chest pains daily and aren't sure if they are going to live or die and at times...just don't care any more. 

If that is you...let me just say...if I were back there two years ago and had to make the decisions I've made all over again, knowing what I know now...I'd probably do things a little differently.  Here's what I'd have done:

• Now that there are phones with video, I'd have videotaped that motherfucker screaming at me, breaking things, slamming doors, and my terrified kids asking me why he was doing that, what had they done?
  
• I'd have figured it out on my own, I would not have relied upon anyone.  Difficult to comprehend doing it alone? How about finding out your mom and friend are sharing all of your thoughts, secrets and plans with your soon to be ex.  Yeah, I'd make a plan and keep that shit to myself.
  
• I'd have his traffic records and DUI stops on paper and on hand when we went to court
  
• I'd have video of him driving drunk on hand when I went to court
  
• I'd have a copy of  the conversation between my son and I regarding my son having to drive the drunken piece of crap home when my son was only 14 years old.
  
• I'd have been ruthless, because he never every intended to do anything that was good for anyone else, it's always been about what's in it for him. 

So...KEEP TRACK OF EVERYTHING!! Really.  I can't stress that enough.  Be prepared and keep track of everything!

I'm starting over with a slight disadvantage, but I still have two girls that KNOW I love them and always have.  They KNOW their dad lies and they KNOW I'm never going to give up on them.  That is all I need to keep going and do what needs to be done. 

Finding out you aren't alone

Today I went to help my mom with some filing at the law office she works at.  She needed help, she offered money and the use of her car so I could go see the girls (my car is still in California) so I went. 

As I was sorting through endless piles of pleadings, I started to see a pattern in some of the attachments.  There were lots of pages of printouts of text messages.  And they ALL could have been written by my ex.  Holy Crap.  They were identical to something he would have said.  And they weren't all men that were the obvious aggressors here...some were women.  I was shocked.  I mean, I'm the only one who had to go through that bullshit....still go through that bullshit.  Right?  Apparently not.  Who knew?  I sure as hell didn't! 

That really did strike a chord with me.  I'm not alone.  I know people tell you that you aren't the only one, everyone goes through similar stuff, etc.  But to hear that and to understand that are two different things.  Today I understood it.