Perspective

Every once in a while the filter that I view things through will drop off and things will just look different.  It happens more and more now that I'm not afraid of him.  Remove some of the hatred I was feeling towards him and even more of the filter slips away.

I still flip-flop on a daily basis, but knowing that somewhere inside of me is peace and confidence...that makes me feel hopeful.  Knowing that I am not the person he convinced me I was makes me feel joy and optimistic towards the future.  

Now I hope I can convey those traits, the optimism, joy and hope, to my daughters.  I know now that I could never have been the person they needed me to be if I had not gone to California.  My plans did not work out how I had intended, but who says they didn't go the way they needed to go?  I have faith that things happen for a reason. 

I am not a victim, so why do I sound like one?

I have to say right up front...nothing happened to me that I didn't allow.  It's easy to say I didn't see it coming, I didn't see the signs.  But really, it was easier to pretend it wasn't happening. 

I am absolutely guilty of allowing myself to be abused and then to letting myself believe that my abuser was actually going to be cooperative and allow me and our daughters to live a life that didn't involve chaos and drunken rages. 

Now I have to endure my ex's harassment, listen to him curse and terrify my children (while I'm on the phone with them), and rely upon a mother that helped my ex renig on his agreement to let my kids come with me when I moved and she worked to keep my kids here so that they would still be near her.  And that is also my own fault.  I allowed this to happen by not making it stop.

Why do I feel compelled to share all of this with you?  Because I know that someone out there is in the same position I was a year or two ago.  I know someone out there is suffocating and so stressed out that they are having chest pains daily and aren't sure if they are going to live or die and at times...just don't care any more. 

If that is you...let me just say...if I were back there two years ago and had to make the decisions I've made all over again, knowing what I know now...I'd probably do things a little differently.  Here's what I'd have done:

• Now that there are phones with video, I'd have videotaped that motherfucker screaming at me, breaking things, slamming doors, and my terrified kids asking me why he was doing that, what had they done?
  
• I'd have figured it out on my own, I would not have relied upon anyone.  Difficult to comprehend doing it alone? How about finding out your mom and friend are sharing all of your thoughts, secrets and plans with your soon to be ex.  Yeah, I'd make a plan and keep that shit to myself.
  
• I'd have his traffic records and DUI stops on paper and on hand when we went to court
  
• I'd have video of him driving drunk on hand when I went to court
  
• I'd have a copy of  the conversation between my son and I regarding my son having to drive the drunken piece of crap home when my son was only 14 years old.
  
• I'd have been ruthless, because he never every intended to do anything that was good for anyone else, it's always been about what's in it for him. 

So...KEEP TRACK OF EVERYTHING!! Really.  I can't stress that enough.  Be prepared and keep track of everything!

I'm starting over with a slight disadvantage, but I still have two girls that KNOW I love them and always have.  They KNOW their dad lies and they KNOW I'm never going to give up on them.  That is all I need to keep going and do what needs to be done. 

Finding out you aren't alone

Today I went to help my mom with some filing at the law office she works at.  She needed help, she offered money and the use of her car so I could go see the girls (my car is still in California) so I went. 

As I was sorting through endless piles of pleadings, I started to see a pattern in some of the attachments.  There were lots of pages of printouts of text messages.  And they ALL could have been written by my ex.  Holy Crap.  They were identical to something he would have said.  And they weren't all men that were the obvious aggressors here...some were women.  I was shocked.  I mean, I'm the only one who had to go through that bullshit....still go through that bullshit.  Right?  Apparently not.  Who knew?  I sure as hell didn't! 

That really did strike a chord with me.  I'm not alone.  I know people tell you that you aren't the only one, everyone goes through similar stuff, etc.  But to hear that and to understand that are two different things.  Today I understood it. 

He's freaking nuts. There's no other explanation.

Now that we are officially divorced, I think he's finally grasping the concept that he has NO control over my world. 

Let me back up a little, to explain how I came to that realization.

Before the school year began last year, he needed at least one utility in his name so he could register the girls.  All our bills were in my name because he'd destroyed his own credit so bad, there was no hope of getting accounts in his name.  So I called Progress Energy, who said they could not do that, he'd have to get his own account.  Ok, next!  I called Verizon, who said "No problem".  I gave them his name, and supposedly they changed it.  He registered the girls so I thought it all worked out. 

Fast forward to a couple of weeks ago.  He said Verizon was still in my name and needed to be changed.  Huh?  Ok...I'd try again when I get a minute.  Then I got a call from Progress Energy thanking me for opening a new account.  Double HUH?  Apparently he opened his own account but it's still linked to my name and my phone.  He said he fixed it, but we'll see.

So today I get this incoherent ranting about the Verizon account and how I screwed everything up and I never did anything I was supposed and blah blah blah.  How he's the only one who considers our daughters, he's the only one who does what he's supposed to, he's the only one being responsible. 

He's delusional. 

This man has never done anything that wasn't going to benefit him in some way.  What does he get out of being responsible for the girls? Everyone sees him doing it and thinks he's SuperDad.  What if everyone heard how he was talking to my daughters the other night when he didn't know I was on Skype with them?  God, I wish I had a recording device, that shit would be ALL over Facebook, Twitter, everywhere I could broadcast it.  No one should speak to another human like that, and especially not your child!  What if everyone could see his drunk, snoring, disgusting body laying in the middle of the living room floor where he's passed out, and his kids have to step over him to get anywhere in the house?

Yes, he's delusional.  He can pretend to be whatever he wants to be...but my kids know the truth.  And really, that's the only people on earth that matter.


Oh, and while I'm already ranting, he's also under the impression I'm some completely incompetent moron.  If I'm incompetent, why is his world falling apart now that I'm gone?  Who the hell was holding it all together for the last 17 years??  What a freaking train wreck! 

He's also now asking me about my car, he wants to see my repair records and verification that it's safe to operate.  Does he really want to go that route?  I think not.  His car is a nightmare, and the house he lives in?  It's disgusting, too small for 3 people and falling apart. 


So, as we go along and the girls and I enjoy life and build a future and learn and explore and LIVE....I have a feeling he's going to spiral out of control and who knows where this will land?  My ex-friend (who supplied lots of lies to support my ex's attacks on me after I left him) used to be convinced he'd kill me and the girls when he finally lost control.  I guess I'll just have to be vigilant and see what happens.

Suddenly I'm a stressed out Army Mom again

My son deploys tomorrow and suddenly my whole world shifts again.  He's not headed to Afghanistan yet but he's leaving the United States so it's scary and nerve wracking and as much as he's excited, I'm scared to death. 

My own travel plans have been delayed by a week, but that was due to my inability to count pay days.  I'll be leaving the 15th (or shortly thereafter) to head to Florida to be with my two totally amazing princesses.  I'm very excited about being back in their life full time, and a little excited and apprehensive about driving across the country by myself.  It's going to be quite the adventure!!!

And to update the divorce/custody crap:  We have had an agreement for a couple of weeks.  I had a copy signed and notarized and sent to him to submit to the court..but as usual, there is no word from him as to whether he actually submitted it or not.  It's really not going to be easy for him to blame me for this delay this time when I have email records of our correspondence as well as my own notarized copy of the Marital Settlement Agreement and Parenting Plan. 

I'm really ready for this to be over.  I'm not sure he is ready to give up control (as if he actually has it! lol) 

Gotta go work! 

(I'm) Raising a can of Red Bull to your Peace, love and pursuit of happiness!!

Moving forward. Again.

It's been a long time since I posted.  Since December actually.

Sometimes I'm afraid to keep blogging, because I'm still scared he's going to find out and come completely unhinged.  His full name isn't on here, and I doubt anyone he knows would ever read it...but God forbid ANYONE know his personal business.  I honestly don't know how far his reaction would go.

But then, I start thinking and decide...Screw it!  He did what he did, I did what I did and I don't give a shit who knows.  The people who matter to me know the truth and those that spread lies and think they know the whole story can rot in hell as far as I'm concerned.  They no longer exist to me.

Things have come a long way since I wrote my last post in December.  I'm in California still, but life is about the change drastically again.  I'm heading back to Florida in a few weeks and will spend the majority of my time there because that is where my kids are going to be for a while.  My heart can't exist this far away anymore.  And it's not fair to the girls to keep this fight going.  They deserve both parents and a stress free life. 

I will be heading back to Florida a different person entirely.  I'm not sure anyone is going to like who they are getting back.  It's going to be very interesting. 

The small things don't matter

As the tornado of emotion dissipates, you find yourself sitting on the outside watching those that thrive on chaos and feed off of others despair...and wondering why you let these vampires suck the life out of you for so long.  They throw out tendrils barbed with triggers they know will engage you...but only so long as you accept those triggers.  Eventually, you have to decide:  Shit?  Or get off the pot? 

The truth that I imagine I knew all along has come out about not only Tom but others, and I realize that they require misery and dysfunction in their world.  That is a sad way to live.

So, while my life might not be perfect and it's far from successful, I know that the path I'm on is the right one for me at the moment.  It's the path I need to take to give my daughters what they will need in the future.  My kids all know that they are my reason for living, and that I'm doing everything I can to fix the mistakes I've made in the past.  No one else matters.